Is it ever possible to be friends?

[Lous2807]

If you don't mind me asking, how long were you in your affair for? Have you tried NC before?

 

I know exactly what you mean about weekends away. I was practically beside myself when my MM went away with his family. Can't even explain why!

 

Do you really think he might turn up at your house? I hadn't even considered that. Is your MM quite persistent if he wants to get hold of you?

 

From what you've said about his responses to your emails I'm not surprised you've had enough. One day at a time.

[imperfectangel]

I don't think he meant for it to be that way, I just don't think he's the best at communicating his feelings (awws) but it lasted about 11-12 years known him for 18.

 

In that time I've tried nc a million times. He would just ignore though maybe he needed a break idk as I never got any kind of explaination when he reappeared and I was so grateful when he did come back I didn't even ask. Pathetic.

 

He's had long enough to sort his **** out. He isn't leaving so I'm not staying

[Lous2807]

Wow. That's a long time. He just ignores your requests for NC? That must make it so hard for you! No wonder you've found it so difficult to break away. Did he always come back wanting to start up where you left off again?

It does sound like you've really made your mind up this time though. Was it something specific? Or more that you literally cannot take it any more?

[imperfectangel]

I've just had enough. We made plans in July and that changed because his wife's changed. That was it for me really. He really made an effort after but I'm just done.

 

Something happened to me (don't want to post it here) and I felt like I needed him. I ended up not even telling him because I know he can't be there for me.

 

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to be with him yes but he doesn't want what I want. He wants his family and me on the side. So degrading.

 

If he turned up on my doorstep today suitcase in hand things may be different but that's not gonna happen. He may turn up but if he does that'll be for sex, not because he wants to be with me

[Satu]

These people never voluntarily leave your life, or come to respect your wishes.

 

It's not in their playbook.

 

You might not hear from them for months, and then they'll pop up again with the same old BS.

 

They will do whatever it takes to maintain a presence in your life, because they believe in a twisted way, that they own you.

 

 

Take care.

[Lous2807]

His wife has changed? What do you mean?

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. It sounds like you're really hurting.

[Lous2807]

These people never voluntarily leave your life, or come to respect your wishes.

 

It's not in their playbook.

 

You might not hear from them for months, and then they'll pop up again with the same old BS.

 

They will do whatever it takes to maintain a presence in your life, because they believe in a twisted way, that they own you.

 

 

Take care.

 

Oh god really? Is this true? I don't want that.

[imperfectangel]

His wife has changed? What do you mean?

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. It sounds like you're really hurting.

 

I meant his wife's plans changes, so ours had to. That was my breaking point.

 

I'll be ok. I just really miss him.

[Satu]

Oh god really? Is this true? I don't want that.

 

Just read through the threads here, and you'll see that it is absolutely true.

[Lous2807]

Oh I see. Yes always coming second best really gets to you in the end. And knowing that you can never have what you really want.

[Lous2807]

He called me last night. I had every intention of telling him I wanted to go NC and would be blocking him. I just couldn't do it. Or I didn't want to do it I guess. How pathetic! I just didn't feel ready. I'll probably never be ready. I know it's unhealthy. I know it's holding me back. I know it's wrong. I know it's for the best. How do people do this?!

[Patrice]

further hurt. They cycle will replay itself, over and over - and you will loathe yourself for not respecting all that you are. I know it's uncomfortable to part ways on an unfriendly basis. It never works, I tried that years ago - and I don't live anywhere near him. In the end, the sexual talk starts, the issue of - he is married and unavailable comes up, and the division remains. You will arrive at the point - where your respect for yourself returns - if you CUT him off. I flatly ended it - told him, until you get your crap together, and get off the fence DO NOT CONTACT ME. There have been periods of months to years, where we have not spoken at all. Then I'll get some random message "asking how are you"? I have bitten maybe twice just with contact - and no physical contact. And it always turns out the same - he has not left the marriage, I cannot do that to other women, I am not mistress material, and I need to cut my losses and run. You stay involved, I am betting you will again return here again, only more bereft and hurt.

Edited September 28, 2016 by Patrice

[Lous2807]

further hurt. They cycle will replay itself, over and over - and you will loathe yourself for not respecting all that you are. I know it's uncomfortable to part ways on an unfriendly basis. It never works, I tried that years ago - and I don't live anywhere near him. In the end, the sexual talk starts, the issue of - he is married and unavailable comes up, and the division remains. You will arrive at the point - where your respect for yourself returns - if you CUT him off. I flatly ended it - told him, until you get your crap together, and get off the fence DO NOT CONTACT ME. There have been periods of months to years, where we have not spoken at all. Then I'll get some random message "asking how are you"? I have bitten maybe twice just with contact - and no physical contact. And it always turns out the same - he has not left the marriage, I cannot do that to other women, I am not mistress material, and I need to cut my losses and run. You stay involved, I am betting you will again return here again, only more bereft and hurt.

 

I know you're right. There is no sexual talk, no talking about 'us'. We just chat about what we've been up to etc. Does that normally change?

 

I feel like we both know we've done wrong and wouldn't go down that road again. But I also realise that still talking behind his wife's back is disrespectful and hurtful. I think that I should go NC for her. I know that it would also be helpful to me in the respect of moving on but I love talking to him. How can I be so selfish?

[Patrice]

healthy for YOU, because you desire something you won't obtain. This is unfair to the wife, because she has done nothing to deserve this. He is a selfish man, who wants it all. You will talk platonically, then inevitably - the whole cycle will begin again. You need to be firm and tell him, I don't feel this is right or fair to me or your wife - so, I need to find other people who care and love me, who are healthy for me. Who is hurting from this? YOU. Who would be hurting, the wife ... get rid of the bum.

[Lous2807]

healthy for YOU, because you desire something you won't obtain. This is unfair to the wife, because she has done nothing to deserve this. He is a selfish man, who wants it all. You will talk platonically, then inevitably - the whole cycle will begin again. You need to be firm and tell him, I don't feel this is right or fair to me or your wife - so, I need to find other people who care and love me, who are healthy for me. Who is hurting from this? YOU. Who would be hurting, the wife ... get rid of the bum.

 

I never thought I would obtain him. At least I never thought I would want to. He never lied about leaving his wife. I just didn't control myself and I feel so guilty about that.

I know it's not fair, particularly to his wife. I just don't feel like I have the guts or self discipline to do what I know I should. He probably feels that this isn't hurting anybody but I know his wife would be devastated if she found out. He forgave her affair and I'm sure she would forgive him his but that doesn't justify what we are doing. I know that. I have plenty of friends and I know that I'm putting him on a pedestal. I know that I don't want to be 'just a friend' to him. I've realised that now.

 

I'm too proud to ever contact him but I crave the contact from him. Which is how I know it needs to stop.

[Satu]

This is why blocking him is so very important .

 

 

Take care.

 

 

I won't contact him. I just hope I'm strong enough to get through not answering his calls. It's not what I want but I guess this chapter of my life has to be over

 

 

*You won't be, because you want him to call you.

 

So you have to block him and delete his phone number, and any internet addresses you have for him.

 

Half measures don't cut it.

 

 

Take care.

[imperfectangel]

This is where we differ. I don't believe in all this blocking business as it shows they still have something over you.

 

Plus what happens when they get a new number or use another email address to reach you?

 

You have to do this yourself. Do you still want to feel like this in 1,2,3 months? A year?

[Satu]

This is where we differ. I don't believe in all this blocking business as it shows they still have something over you.

 

Plus what happens when they get a new number or use another email address to reach you?

 

You have to do this yourself. Do you still want to feel like this in 1,2,3 months? A year?

 

I don't share your opinion, but I do respect it.

 

 

Take care.

[Lous2807]

 

Plus what happens when they get a new number or use another email address to reach you?

 

You have to do this yourself. Do you still want to feel like this in 1,2,3 months? A year?

 

I guess it's not hard to call on a withheld number either although I don't answer those.

 

And no. No I really don't want to feel like this in a years time. Even a months time. I realise we can never be just friends after all that has happened. I just don't want to cut him off even though I know deep down I should. I know I want more. I have also come to terms with the fact that I will never get more. I know he wasn't happy but I don't know much more than that as we didn't talk about his marriage a lot. I suppose that made it easier to pretend that that part didn't exist. I think he needs for me to not be around so that he can focus on working on his marriage and as it is always him that contacts me I guess the only way to do that is to block him. I just really don't want to! How do I get to a point where I actually want to do that? Or will I never get there and just need to get it over and done with!?

[imperfectangel]

I have never blocked my mm's number or email and I won't. He's blocked on fb and what's app.

 

It's hard. I miss him so much. I could reach out to him and see him tomorrow. I'm dying to. But I won't because when he goes home, back to his wife I'll feel like crap and u don't want to feel like that anymore.

 

MM will usually let these things carry on forever because let's face t they have the best of both worlds.

 

Do you want to be with him full time? Or do you want a affair?

 

Or non of the above?

[Satu]

Nobody ever found these things easy.

 

There's no part of it that's easy.

 

Its common for people to weaken at times and slip back a bit, and there there's no shame in that.

 

Ending any kind of relationship is very difficult.

 

Just carry on being good to yourself.

 

 

Take care.

[eye of the storm]

And no. No I really don't want to feel like this in a years time. Even a months time. I realise we can never be just friends after all that has happened. I just don't want to cut him off even though I know deep down I should. I know I want more. I have also come to terms with the fact that I will never get more. I know he wasn't happy but I don't know much more than that as we didn't talk about his marriage a lot. I suppose that made it easier to pretend that that part didn't exist. I think he needs for me to not be around so that he can focus on working on his marriage and as it is always him that contacts me I guess the only way to do that is to block him. I just really don't want to! How do I get to a point where I actually want to do that? Or will I never get there and just need to get it over and done with!?

 

You will get there. For some of us, it just takes longer. It doesn't mean our love was better/worse. It just means we have a tighter grip and a higher tolerance for Bulls**t.

 

Of course you don't want to block him, you have feelings for him. You want the relationship to continue.

 

One day, you will get to the point where you are tired of it. Then you will be where you can finally block him.

[Lous2807]

I have never blocked my mm's number or email and I won't. He's blocked on fb and what's app.

 

It's hard. I miss him so much. I could reach out to him and see him tomorrow. I'm dying to. But I won't because when he goes home, back to his wife I'll feel like crap and u don't want to feel like that anymore.

 

MM will usually let these things carry on forever because let's face t they have the best of both worlds.

 

Do you want to be with him full time? Or do you want a affair?

 

Or non of the above?

 

I know just how you feel. I'd talk to him all day every day if I could. I miss him so much.

 

I guess deep down I do want to be with him full time. I was just resigned to the fact that it would never happen from the minute it all started. Maybe that's made it easier for me now but it doesn't feel like it. It really hurts. Plus he has young kids and I just feel it would cause too much pain to ever progress. I think maybe I thought that as he was unhappy and that they had both now had affairs that their marriage didn't have much chance of surviving. But I was just kidding myself.

[Lous2807]

You will get there. For some of us, it just takes longer. It doesn't mean our love was better/worse. It just means we have a tighter grip and a higher tolerance for Bulls**t.

 

Of course you don't want to block him, you have feelings for him. You want the relationship to continue.

 

One day, you will get to the point where you are tired of it. Then you will be where you can finally block him.

 

Thank you. I just want to get to that point now. I'm just not tired of it at al! Why not? It's a ridiculous situation.

[Lous2807]

Nobody ever found these things easy.

 

There's no part of it that's easy.

 

Its common for people to weaken at times and slip back a bit, and there there's no shame in that.

 

Ending any kind of relationship is very difficult.

 

Just carry on being good to yourself.

 

 

Take care.

 

Thank you.