I walked out tonight with our kids

[Marc878]

This was by far the worst fight my husband and I have had, and the closest we've been to ending things. He is a ball of emotions right now. He goes between crying, to hugging the kids and I, to staring off into space.

 

He's so depressed. The marijuana and being away from us most of the time hid it somewhat.

 

He's been an ass, but I am worried about him right now. He's agreed to go back on an antidepressant, and we're going to our first therapy session on Tuesday.

 

I didn't walk out to make him change. I walked out because I could no longer tolerate what he was doing or be a part of it. However, I think he knew that I was fully ready to end things and I don't think he ever thought I'd do that. I think right now he's quite shaken, but I know that won't last and things could very easily slide back to what they were.

 

I want an entire lifestyle change for both of us. We've been talking about this a lot the past couple of days. He quit smoking cigarettes as well as the pot, and I have quit smoking cigarettes too. He stopped in a local YMCA and picked up an application on his way home from work without my asking. We're planning to spend more time together as a family, with our children, doing healthier things. Last night we took our boys out to dinner and went shopping with them. Both of my boys were so happy just to be with both of us. My husband noticed how they both were so well behaved and more cheerful than usual.

 

A typical Thursday night prior would have been neither my kids or I seeing my husband all night as he sat in the garage, and me inside cooking dinner, cleaning, getting the kids stuff ready, getting my stuff ready, giving my youngest a bath, etc. and then watching tv until I fell asleep. No quality time with my kids, none with my husband.

 

My husband told me that he's scared to not have marijuana, because without it he feels so bored an empty (I think that's his depression) and he doesn't know what to do when he feels that way. He said that he started it in the first place because he couldn't stand how he felt.

I really hope the antidepressants, the therapy, and the change in our lifestyle will all foster this to continue on and improve over the years. I am also so anxious this will fall apart and I don't want to stress myself out now trying to constantly keep this all going on my own. My husband is going to have to continue to want this to make it work.

 

I have been unhappy for too long. I joined this forum when I was only twenty-six-years-old and now a decade has gone by. I do not want to wake up someday and regret my life.

 

He's addicted to it and making excuses. He moves forward and improves or you'd better get out. You've wasted enough of your life on this.

[Jennifer26]

You have kept your head when others in your position would have lost theirs. I truly believe you would make a good General and if not, definitely a good leader.

 

Having read through your previous posts it is apparent that there is a big difference in your perception of things vis a vis that of your husband's. Maybe his is fuelled by dope but since he articulated it clearly, I would give some credence to it. I particularly noted what he had to say about you being competitive and being right and placing this above your capacity for love. I am assuming he was being delusional when he made that comment but I was wondering whether at any time in your marriage you came across as being competitive or needing to be right where he was concerned?

 

Hi JAA,

 

I have to disagree with what my husband said, but I think I know where it's coming from. I don't feel like I am a competitive person, no more than what's normal anyway.

 

But I am stubborn. Very, very stubborn. My entire family laughs and jokes about how stubborn I have been my entire life. If I feel something is wrong, or I am right - I do not budge easily.

 

This has been very difficult for my husband because there have been times where he felt like I was completely wrong but just too stubborn to accept it or change my mind. The fact that it's a long running joke in my family tells me that he's probably right, even though I usually feel quite justified in my stubbornness.

 

It's something I am aware of and try to consider now, but didn't in the earlier years in our relationship.

 

I think another thing that may factor into why he says this is that I think he feels emasculated by me at times. I run a business and manage around 50 employees. I can be very take charge in the way I handle things and my husband used to be more that way when we met but not so much anymore. I manage everything in our household and I think he feels like he has no voice sometimes. He's become upset (I feel unproportionately) over things like where we place a laundry hamper, or whether we should have a tv stand under our mounted television. I will think something looks tacky or out of place and it'll bother me and he just quietly broods while I "fix it" and later during an argument will come out with these things.

 

In my mind I am usually thinking "Omg, really, you're mad because I put a laundry hamper in the bathroom instead of the bedroom" but really, I think the problem is he feels insecure because I do control everything.

 

Many of those things I control are because he won't, or if he will, he procrastinates and that drives me nuts sometimes. Like when I finally do break down and ask him for help (one of our major issues) he'll be agreeable, but it's always "I'll do that in a little while" - and 10:00 PM rolls around and I see a sinkful of dishes he said he'd wash. And he's out in the garage.

 

He's joked many times that I am an "alpha female" because I do tend to want to step in and manage things.

 

In my mind, I don't want to manage things, but rather that no one else is doing it, or doing a poor job at it. It's one of those "If you want it done right, do it yourself" kind of attitudes I guess.

 

Anyway, to make a long story longer I think his comments are because of this dynamic in our marriage.

[spiderowl]

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine what you are going through. It sounds horrendous. You've effectively been forced out by his thoughtless behaviour, issues and temper.

 

I think you've done the right thing. Your husband is addicted to pot and is unstable when not on medication. You were having to cope with so much with him. If he is upsetting your son, I can't see how you can tolerate that. What else could you do but leave or get him to leave?

 

If you can, take some time with your parents to rest and to work out what to do next. I don't know what your parents are like, if they are tolerant and understanding. I hope they will protect and support you through this.

 

If you can access a free legal services, I would advise doing this. You and the kids need a home. You should put yourself and the children first. Your husband has not played the part he should and his behaviour is harmful to the children. Whatever happens next should be in your and their best interest.

 

This is either going to make your husband realise that he's going to have to sort out his problems and stand up and be the partner you need, or it could be the end of the marriage. Hopefully, it will be enough of a shock for him to improve things for you. I would not go back with him until he has promised change. In fact, I would be inclined to force him to move out for a while until he can show he can be a responsible husband.

[spiderowl]

think another thing that may factor into why he says this is that I think he feels emasculated by me at times. I run a business and manage around 50 employees. I can be very take charge in the way I handle things and my husband used to be more that way when we met but not so much anymore. I manage everything in our household and I think he feels like he has no voice sometimes. He's become upset (I feel unproportionately) over things like where we place a laundry hamper, or whether we should have a tv stand under our mounted television. I will think something looks tacky or out of place and it'll bother me and he just quietly broods while I "fix it" and later during an argument will come out with these things.

 

This is what happened with me and my (ex) husband. I ended up with all the responsibilities while he complained about tiny things. I had to have all the energy and drive to get things done, including earning a living for us all, and I just felt more and more resentful - yes, and ill with the stress of it all! I understand what you say about him feeling like he has no voice. I considered that too, at one point. I bent over backwards to try to make things work with my husband, but at the end of the day the resentment and frustration became too much. I knew I had to get out of the ridiculous situation I was in where I had to do all the work and he tried to frustrate and dilute what little energy I had left. Sometimes you do everything and it doesn't work. I hope it works for you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jennifer, thank you for your response to my last post. I have twice in the last couple of days, composed a detailed reply to your response and both times, due to some glitch in my phone, it got lost in cyber space. Sorry about that. After reading your response I have to say I commend you for being honest in analysing and recognizing the reasons that could be at the root of your problem with your husband. I have always believed that in a situation like this one, the fault is never fully that of one party alone. As they say,"It takes two to clap" and while your husband may be guilty of most of the problems in your relationship, dome blame would also accrue to you and it is good to see you acknowledging the possibility of such an eventuality. As an aside I have to say that you share good company as I have been reading a tiny book titled "Black Holes" which is a compilation of a series of lectures by the famous astro physicist Stephen Hawking of "A brief history of Time" fame. In the introduction to the the book the compiler David Shulman has written that when the scientists daughter was asked how he was able to overcome super human odds to be able to contribute to intellectual discourse at the cutting edge of the scientific community's deliberations, Lucy, his daughter replied that he was 'enormously stubborn'. Stephen Hawking was a man, who in the early 1960s was told he had only a couple of years to live as he was suffering from the dreaded motor nueron disease. Not only has he survived for over fifty years since then, he has been a prolific contributor to the scientific community's progress in an extremely complex field. If you Google his name you will understand what I am getting at.

 

Having read about your belief that you have always considered yourself to be right in the way you see things and how you want to maintain order within your domain, I can understand how, over a period of time, your husband felt overwhelmed and overshadowed by you. His feeling peeved about where you placed the laundry hamper or moved some item which he had placed according to his choice but which you found looked tacky. These little things gradually added up to a great deal of resentment in his mind, over the years and finally spilled over in the e-mail he responded with to the one you sent him. I am not for one moment excusing his flaws and his drug habit or his apathy in responding to the needs of his family or his indifference in responding to your needs. He has to own his share of the blame for all that is wrong in your relationship. However, to be fair to him, you have to acknowledge your share of the blame if you want to truly repair your relationship.

 

I have to say that it can be extremely difficult for a person to to live with some one who is stubborn especially an extremely stubborn person. Also, if you have the attitude of 'My way or the highway' then that can be a relationship killer. My suggestion would be to let him win in the small insignificant things in the home, things which are just not worth arguing about and also cleanse your mind of negative thoughts such as 'OMG, you're mad that I placed a laundry hamper in the....' because such thinking will lead you to feel negatively about your husband and also generate resentment in you against him. Try not to think resentfully about him but rather be more compassionate and charitable in your thinking and feelings towards him. Since he is the one who is depressed and his feelings are all over the place you ad the more confident and in control person, will have to exercise the necessary judgement and understanding in handling the various situations that arise in the home. While you do not have to enable his dysfunctional behaviour and you should be firm with him where you think he needs it, you can definitely be more understanding and accommodative of his needs( His genuine needs). I guess you have a lot on your plate but you also have your relationship to save(I hope you do want to save it if possible?).

 

You said he feels emasculated by the way you treat his opinion and the way you take charge of things, but that you do so because he does not pull his weight. The fact is that for a man to feel emasculated by a woman, that too his wife and in his own home, can be a spirit killer. His tardiness may be a reaction to this lack of spirit and enthusiasm for anything that you ask him to do. Of course his dope habit would be a major contributor but even that habit may, to some extent be fuelled by his lack of enthusiasm for anything coming from you. I guess both of you need some IC and subsequently MC. I hope after this shake down he would be willing to go the extra mile as would you, to recover your relationship and get it back on track, if not so much for yourselves, at least for the sake of your kids. Cheers!

[Logan787]

Jennifer, I'm sure the answer to this is yes, but, have you ever asked your husband what he is trying to escape from? That's why he smokes pot like he does, he is not wanting to deal with something. You said he gets very angry and calls you cruel when you tell him he needs to deal with his childhood issues. The reason he gets angry, is because you have touched a very sensitive and sore spot. It's sore and sensitive because he has never let it heal. In other words, he is constantly "picking" at this wound. By thinking on it(whether consciously or subconsciously), and never really deals with it. He is just reliving it over and over....whatever it is.

I also think the Prozac was a bad idea, anti depressants deal with symptoms, but what needs to happen with him is he needs to deal with the root cause and be whole and better again. He is taking everything out on you and he doesn't feel worthy to be a father or husband, so he just checks out. He seems pretty self absorbed, but if he simply medicates with pot and Prozac, he might get better for a time, but that root will always spring back up somewhere in your life and marriage. I've probably just told you a bunch of stuff you already know, but please be persistent in helping him deal with what's underneath. The anger, rage, and depression are just side effects of a deeper trauma.

[Jennifer26]

Tonight I came home from work rather stressed out. I am still sick. Yesterday I went into urgent care because I am not getting better and have begun running a fever.

 

Today I went back to work after two days off. It was a very long and difficult day and I ran a fever most of the day and still am.

 

I found out my son hasn't turned in a lot of homework. I came home to talk to him, and he copped a major attitude. He's been doing that a lot lately - no doubt because of everything that's been going on.

 

My husband came home and got upset with my son as well. I went into the kitchen, put on the news and began making dinner. My youngest son came in there to protest what I was making. Then my older son came in and started asking if he could bring three friends along to his birthday dinner with family tomorrow evening. I told him no because we already have thirty people coming and that it'd be better if we did a sleepover with his friends instead. My son argued with that and I lost my temper and told everyone to leave me alone, let me finish cooking dinner.

 

I just felt like I was bombarded all day with everything. Mostly it's because I feel terrible.

 

My husband began laying into me how I needed to stop. I got angry and told him that I've had enough, that I need a break.

 

Anyway, we all ate dinner together. I took a shower and layed in bed. He came into the bedroom and was huffing and puffing, so I asked him what was wrong. He told me that I need to think about what I had done and that he wasn't going to tell me. I replied by asking if he was upset because I became upset earlier. He refused to talk to me, told me something along the lines of that I need to grow up. I asked if we could talk about it instead of giving the silent treatment. He wasn't interested.

 

I began to cry. He said he's not dealing with me crying and went onto the couch. I didn't stop crying, apparently he could hear me, and came in, grabbed some stuff out of the closet and left.

 

We went to our first counseling session the other day. It consisted of the counselor getting background info on mainly my family, she said it was for insurance purposes. The next session is supposed to be the same but for him.

 

My husband has been for the most part not talking much, watching a lot of television and seems withdrawn.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jennifer, really sorry to read your last post. I guess on top of everything your health at this point, is a liability. I would think that you should hand over your business matters to some subordinate or maybe a family member who could handle things on your behalf, temporarily, so that you can get full and proper treatment and recuperative care till you recover fully to be able to shoulder your professional and family matters with the energy they demand. What you are doing currently is applying band aid on something that needs surgery or ICU care. It will only provide temporary relief and overall, you will regress to a much more severe state of I'll health. Health is the most important asset a person can have and abusing your state of health is a complete No No.

 

With that out of the way I have to say I thought your husband would have been more cooperative and sympathetic to your state of I'll health. I think he is still in a world of his own and has not come down to mother earth. Of course you have to give it a little more the but if he does not change and continues with his childish attitude where he is required to man up and play a responsible part, then maybe, you would be better off alone without him hanging round your neck like a dead weight. Your counsellor should be giving you some helpful and useful inputs instead of taking up so much precious time getting routine info which could have been collected by means of a questionnaire given to you both in advance. Two sessions being spent on collecting extraneous information seems a bit much.. In any case, as I said, first take care of your health before anything else. Wish you the best going forward.

[Formerfiveo]

 

He told me that I need to think about what I had done and that he wasn't going to tell me. I replied by asking if he was upset because I became upset earlier. He refused to talk to me, told me something along the lines of that I need to grow up. I asked if we could talk about it instead of giving the silent treatment. He wasn't interested.

 

 

 

WTF???? What a friggin' man-child. I am so sorry you have to deal with bs like this.

[Mittens]

WTF???? What a friggin' man-child. I am so sorry you have to deal with bs like this.

 

Yeah I wouldn't be dealing with this type of crap for a second longer. Tell him not to come back. You've already got two kids, you don't need another.

[BluEyeL]

Breaking up is hard to do, but in my experience, after the first months of grief, your life will be much much much better without the constant fighting and drama. That is, if you can afford to leave.

[Jennifer26]

He ended up coming home last night - slept on the couch. I feel asleep before he came back.

 

This morning he tried to talk to me briefly, I was half asleep and told him that I shouldn't have become so irritated but that it's not my M.O. and that I need to be cut a bit of slack on this one. Running a fever, trying to cook and clean, after a very long and stressful day of work - c'mon really? Should I even have to say this?

 

Anyway, we went out to dinner with a lot of my family for our son's birthday. My husband barely said two words to me all evening. He's brooding about something. He's currently asleep on the couch.

 

I have been thinking of my options all evening. I really don't want to go back to my parents house. I can't live with them, it's far away and I was really uncomfortable being there a couple of weeks ago. My parents argue constantly, they're messy people.. I just can't live there.

 

I know my husband probably won't leave if I am the one asking him to.

 

And living in this house with him is pure hell. He is more volatile and angry then I have ever seen before and I have knots in my stomach when he's in a room with me. I don't want my kids to see or hear me cry again. I am on eggshells everyday. I honestly hate him right now and wish he'd just die or leave and never come back. He is the most nasty, selfish ******* I have ever known and I don't know what ever attracted me to him. When I look at him now all I feel is disgust and anger.

[dreamingoftigers]

He ended up coming home last night - slept on the couch. I feel asleep before he came back.

 

This morning he tried to talk to me briefly, I was half asleep and told him that I shouldn't have become so irritated but that it's not my M.O. and that I need to be cut a bit of slack on this one. Running a fever, trying to cook and clean, after a very long and stressful day of work - c'mon really? Should I even have to say this?

 

Anyway, we went out to dinner with a lot of my family for our son's birthday. My husband barely said two words to me all evening. He's brooding about something. He's currently asleep on the couch.

 

I have been thinking of my options all evening. I really don't want to go back to my parents house. I can't live with them, it's far away and I was really uncomfortable being there a couple of weeks ago. My parents argue constantly, they're messy people.. I just can't live there.

 

I know my husband probably won't leave if I am the one asking him to.

 

And living in this house with him is pure hell. He is more volatile and angry then I have ever seen before and I have knots in my stomach when he's in a room with me. I don't want my kids to see or hear me cry again. I am on eggshells everyday. I honestly hate him right now and wish he'd just die or leave and never come back. He is the most nasty, selfish ******* I have ever known and I don't know what ever attracted me to him. When I look at him now all I feel is disgust and anger.

 

I'm in the same boat right now. I will say that mine is "trying" right now but I am so past trusting that I just feel irritation.

 

I have NO IDEA how they can just drift off into sleep like nothing is a big deal, while we lay awake just seething.

 

They do three tricks:

 

1. Charm

2. Self-pity

 

And when those two fail, they indignantly rage.

 

Whatever gets you back in line and back to the old routine.

[S2B]

You didn't change the lock on the door?

 

Change it! If he comes around then call the police.

 

Have you filed for divorce? Support money through the court?

 

Please don't allow this to be the example your kids have for a relationship. You are their model for what they will choose for themselves when they grow up.

 

Show them what a strong woman does - she stands her ground for what is right.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jennifer, I guess we are all sorry to read about what is happening in your life right now. I also think the time for trying to reconcile and get your husband to come on board is probably well in the past. The fact is one person cannot carry the burden of keeping the family together when the other is obviously checked out of the marriage and the family. Your husband has not hit rock bottom and he still has to get a few jolts to wake him up to the reality of his situation.

 

However, the time for you to wait for him is over. As S2B said, change the locks on your doors, file for a legal separation, file for a divorce if possible and cut all contact with him. I guess the time for second chances is over. It is time now for some healthy family time for you and your children minus the toxic presence of your husband. Wish you all the best in your endeavours to settle yourself and your children.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jennifer, how are you doing? Hope you have recovered or are well on the way to recovering from your flu. Do give an update when you can. Warm wishes.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jennifer, its been sometime since you posted anything. Your last post was full of anguish and I guess all of us here hope that things have worked out in your favour. You are a courageous lady and as they say 'God helps those who help themselves' so I guess some divine help would be coming your way.

 

Even a short post giving your current situation would be welcome. I guess anything positive about your situation would make your well wishers here happy. Cheers and all the very best to you.

[Jennifer26]

I am sorry for my long hiatus and no updates.

 

My last post I was very angry, and when I said what I did, I truly felt that way at the time.

 

My husband and I have continued going to counseling, which I haven't found to be terribly helpful but time will tell.

 

My husband has continued with his agreement with not smoking - marijuana or cigarettes. We have both been non-smokers for over a month.

 

I am finally better. I was sick for an entire month, sicker than I can remember being in my entire life. We have plans to finally join a gym tomorrow and so far we have been spending every weekend getting out of the house and spending time with our kids. We haven't gone on a "date" yet alone, but hopefully that will happen eventually.

 

We both still have a lot of resentment. He resents me for forcing him to quit, but I can tell that is subsiding. He told me he feels better than he has in years the other day, but there are other days when he's stressed and I can tell he's angry that he can't use it to cope.

 

My resentment is the way he handles things, how irritable he is. It's getting better, but I still feel like I am on eggshells at times.

 

Saturday we became angry at each other over finding a restaurant and chose not to speak about it until Sunday morning. To try to make a long story short, we went to a local town with a lot of shops and restaurants to walk around. My husband said he was hungry so we walked to find somewhere to eat. We've come to this place many times and have a couple of favorites, so we tried one of them and it was shut down for renovations. OK - so I suggested we try this new restaurant (new to us) right across the street because I'd heard it was good. He agreed, we go there, put our name on a wait list (5-10 minutes, nothing terrible) and as we're waiting he reads the menu and says the place seems awful. OK - let's try to go down the block to another restaurant we've eaten at that he likes. Get there, it's packed with a line (because it's an outdoor patio and it was gorgeous outside). He says "Let's just go the Mexican restaurant you like" and at this point I am over where we're going to eat and it's close by so we head there.

 

He ends up ordering a sandwich, did not say ANYTHING to me the entire meal. I ordered guacamole and chips for everyone, he didn't touch one even though he was the person who was so hungry when we started this restaurant search fiasco. I knew he was mad, I chose to ignore it. By the time we wrapped up eating a lot of the stores were closing so we ended up going home.

 

The next morning he brought it up and said I rushed with the restaurant thing and while he didn't say I ruined the day, he implied it. I told him I wasn't going to take responsibility for it. It wasn't my fault it was so busy and that one restaurant was closed, the other not good enough for him to try and the other packed full. Anyway, he kept saying "I'm not saying you ruined the day, but we need to plan better." This seemed like a cop out to me. We have gone here literally a hundred times, we often dine out, and just go somewhere without plans, without reservations. But this time because it took a bit longer now he's mad and we need to plan better.

 

I think he just can't handle stress and he sulks instead of snapping. That's his way of trying to control how angry he feels. But it still hurts to not be talked to. He thinks he's managing it by giving me the silent treatment.

 

It's so beyond frustrating and it's usually over things that to me seem utterly ridiculous and like things that even if they are annoying, the average person would get over it in a few minutes. Not him though, it can take days, even weeks. He feels like things that are happenstance are intentional.

 

I think counseling is good, but I really think he needs medication and he's not taking any initiative to go see a doctor. He asked for the number a week ago but has yet to make an appointment. This is with his GP doctor.

 

I put in a request two nights ago for a Psychiatrist. I am waiting to hear back for availability - but I know it can take a while.

[BluesPower]

Just so you know...

 

He does need to see a doctor. His way of coping was to self medicate by being high all the time. That is just one sign that he needs that type of help.

 

Also, long time pot users will be very angry for a while when they stop. It is actually worse than if they never smoked before at all. Once they don't have that crutch to lean on, it is difficult to handle their emotions.

 

Hand in there...

[Jennifer26]

Just so you know...

 

He does need to see a doctor. His way of coping was to self medicate by being high all the time. That is just one sign that he needs that type of help.

 

Also, long time pot users will be very angry for a while when they stop. It is actually worse than if they never smoked before at all. Once they don't have that crutch to lean on, it is difficult to handle their emotions.

 

Hand in there...

 

This seems to be very true. He has been having moments of being normal, to snapping and being angry the next.

 

In fact, he's sleeping on the couch tonight after lecturing me for about an hour straight. He mentioned he's given up everything to change for me, and I've done nothing.

 

I feel like he's now seeking out anything he can to make me into this bad guy.

 

I'm not sure how much longer I can take this. I thought about packing up my things again tonight and just leaving.. but where to? Some temporary bed. It's so hard with kids. I can't just disrupt their lives every time my husband is an *******. They have school and routines and need stability.

 

I fantasize a lot about just packing up and leaving my entire life behind. I love my kids dearly, I just don't know how to handle all of this sometimes. I want to go and be alone and cry and grieve and figure things out.

 

I'm trying so hard to hang in. But this all started because I was fed up with my husband's behavior and being checked out. Now he's given it up, but everyday he's picking fights with me and now looking at me with a microscope for flaws to point out. It feels like he's seeking revenge. On top of that, he's practically stopped eating and has lost 15lbs in the past month and is overall just very withdrawn or angry.

 

I haven't heard back from Psychiatry. My guess is there will be a wait list. I took my son in to one years ago (he's ADHD and on the autism spectrum) and it took a long time to get an appointment as a new patient.

[BluesPower]

It is difficult, no doubt.

 

Try to hang. If he gets on some meds he will feel better. At least his is not stoned all the time.

 

People think pot is so harmless, and for some it is. But is cases like your H, you can see how destructive it is.

 

Try to love him through it.

 

Good luck...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jennifer, good to see that you are feeling better and are over the worst of your sickness. From your post it seems that you have settled for reconciling with your husband. I know that in a previous post I suggested that you give your husband a chance. However subsequent events suggested that your husband had become a toxic presence in your life and your last post before you returned indicated that you were probably at the end of your tether. Keeping in mind the general drift of your posts I wonder if deep down you do really want to reconcile or whether you are following the principle of putting in your best effort to save your marriage before throwing in the towel. You know what you really want. I would suggest that you do some deep introspection to figure out whether you really do want to reconcile with your husband or whether you are going through this exercise just to prove that you tried your best to save yourarrisge but that your husband sabotaged your efforts. The fact is that both of you harbour deep resentments and these will prevent any true reconciliation from happening. From your husband's point of view I think he is benefitted by staying with you and the family because it gives him a motivation to stay off pot and smoking both of which are crutches for coping with his problems. If you effect a separation/divorce I am sure he will just slip back into his old habit of smoking pot and cigarettes but this time around he may try stronger halucinogens too. You have a challenge ahead of you as to how to handle your problems.

 

However one thing is clear. You are not responsible for your husband's weaknesses and you are not responsible for what he chooses to do or not do. For that he is entirely responsible himself and he cannot blame you for anything he does which is counterproductive to his health or mental wellbeing. All of us are responsible for ourselves. With that said if after introspection and maybe a course of IC you feel that you are done with your relationship and would not like to put any more effort into trying to revive it then you would be well within your rights to end it and move on with your life. You cannot continue living in a toxic relationship just for the sake of your husband's well being. Your wellbeing comes first and foremost. Living the way you are is likely to affect your mental and physical health and since you are running a business and are basically responsible for your childrens needs you have to safeguard yourself. As they say your husband needs to shape up or ship out. In any case you are the one in the driver's seat and you know what is best for your family and for yourself. Also because you are the adult in your family, the onerous responsibility of making a decision one way or another is yours. Hope some of this helps you to make your decision. Warm wishes to you.

Edited October 25, 2016 by Just a Guy

[Lion Heart]

Dear Jennifer

 

I'm separated and divorcing from a VERY similar situation. "Together" around 17y.

M ummm 14y. Divorce imminent. Twin boys and a D plus my DD from a previous M plus son-in-law and grandson.

 

IT'S BEEN A LIVING NIGHTMARE but it's fading alot now. Still not over. But I'M WAY better than I was IN the hell. And since D Day.

D Day December 2014. Official Separation Nov 2015.

 

You are trying very hard but sinking deeper into despair with each "Explosion" of Hs. I call it EXPLOSION because all of his behaviours are abusive. Termed "Domestic Violence" here. It took me 2 days to read your thread. Assimilate what's going on for you & what's happened in the past.

 

Remember YOU CANNOT heal this man.

No matter what you DO. I'll elaborate as time goes on.

 

The EXPLOSION phase of your H (from the Cycle of Violence) comes in the forms of:

* abusing the children (harsh discipline)

- verbally

- physically too.

* drug taking

* rage

* passive aggression

* verbal abuse

* criticism (of much that wouldn't occur in a HEALTHY relationship)

* silent treatment

* insisting upon sex when you don't want it.

* teaching your sons the cycle of violence so that they may soon begin abusing and not trusting you (I see that's begun already) and LEARN how to treat their wives or future gfs.

I'm certain there's more.

 

I need to insert things in your post below.

I can't access my PMs here atm lol STBexVWH has been "at it" again. Our technology has been tampered with. No matter lol that'll be sorted out over time too!

 

I am sorry for my long hiatus and no updates.

 

My last post I was very angry, and when I said what I did, I truly felt that way at the time.

 

My husband and I have continued going to counseling, which I haven't found to be terribly helpful but time will tell.

 

****not all counsellors are equipped to HELP such a M UNLESS BOTH individuals are willing to seek ALL the assisting IC they require.

You are SPOT ON by thinking H needs Psychiatry but he also needs psychological therapy too. Neither will help H unless he helps himself.

Beginning with ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY for his own behaviours.

He hasn't nearly begun.

He SHOWS this by SEEKING IC HUNGRILY lol.

You need to STOP doing all of the organizing of everything FOR him. H is an ADULT. You son is not. Huge difference there.

Jennifer I'm sorry for what I'm about to say to you but it needs to be said. It woke ME up!!!! I hope it does you too.

I extend this reflection with love and hopes for healing for you.

You are an ENABLER. You have done your VERY best to compensate for Hs deficiencies. Making him lazier and lazier regarding what H NEEDS TO DO TO SHAPE UP AND GET WITH THE PROGRAM lol ie "life". A good life.

He never will whilst you're doing it all. Where's the motivation for him?

There is none.****

 

My husband has continued with his agreement with not smoking - marijuana or cigarettes. We have both been non-smokers for over a month.

 

**** congratulations to you both! Lol****

 

I am finally better. I was sick for an entire month, sicker than I can remember being in my entire life. We have plans to finally join a gym tomorrow and so far we have been spending every weekend getting out of the house and spending time with our kids. We haven't gone on a "date" yet alone, but hopefully that will happen eventually.

 

We both still have a lot of resentment. He resents me for forcing him to quit, but I can tell that is subsiding. He told me he feels better than he has in years the other day, but there are other days when he's stressed and I can tell he's angry that he can't use it to cope.

 

**** yes. H had ALL that free choice of bringing illicit drugs into your home. Risking possible drug charges on you too. Exposing your sons to not only drugs but his behaviours being under the influence 24/7.

You stopped "enabling" this behaviour.

Now you'll cop Hs resentment forever, no matter how GOOD he feels lol.

H has decided to RESENT YOU FOR EVERYTHING FULL STOP.

THIS ALLOWS H to continue to ABUSE you INSTEAD of H having to focus on ANYTHING RESPONSIBLE whatsoever.

Not his FOO issues.

Nor his drug addictions.

Nor housework.

Nor his sh***y attitude.

Nor the fact YOU are so successful in your career / employment, while he... is not so.****

 

My resentment is the way he handles things, how irritable he is. It's getting better, but I still feel like I am on eggshells at times.

 

**** because you're IN the cycle of violence. When you left the house and stayed at your parents ALL the things that usually get you back on board didn't work; the silent treatment, passive aggression etc.

You were strong giving him an ultimatum.

Then he used guilt and shame. The kid's don't see their own suffering IN THIS family because they've known nothing else. The kid's distressed reactions coupled with Hs self pity MADE YOU RELENT.

You gave in. Allowed H back in the house.

H got you back where he wanted you.

He can virtually almost AVOID THE BUY BACK phase of the cycle.

H got you back by triggering guilt (as other LS posters have done).

BACK IN THE CYCLE AGAIN.

You should NEVER feel "guilt" about protecting your sons NOR YOURSELF from being exposed to such abuse.

Separation UNTIL H definitively SHOWS his growth, understanding and healing.

D if he can't.

I'm sorry but it's pretty obvious to me that H is beyond help BECAUSE HE WILL NOT seek it himself.

Therapists can ONLY help willing patients.

He's even far too old to blame his mother and childhood for this garbage.

He's taken to blaming the only scapegoat in his life atm.

You.

You need your own healing Jennifer.

Enrol in a DV Course if you can.****

 

Saturday we became angry at each other over finding a restaurant and chose not to speak about it until Sunday morning. To try to make a long story short, we went to a local town with a lot of shops and restaurants to walk around. My husband said he was hungry so we walked to find somewhere to eat. We've come to this place many times and have a couple of favorites, so we tried one of them and it was shut down for renovations. OK - so I suggested we try this new restaurant (new to us) right across the street because I'd heard it was good. He agreed, we go there, put our name on a wait list (5-10 minutes, nothing terrible) and as we're waiting he reads the menu and says the place seems awful. OK - let's try to go down the block to another restaurant we've eaten at that he likes. Get there, it's packed with a line (because it's an outdoor patio and it was gorgeous outside). He says "Let's just go the Mexican restaurant you like" and at this point I am over where we're going to eat and it's close by so we head there.

 

He ends up ordering a sandwich, did not say ANYTHING to me the entire meal. I ordered guacamole and chips for everyone, he didn't touch one even though he was the person who was so hungry when we started this restaurant search fiasco. I knew he was mad, I chose to ignore it. By the time we wrapped up eating a lot of the stores were closing so we ended up going home.

 

The next morning he brought it up and said I rushed with the restaurant thing and while he didn't say I ruined the day, he implied it. I told him I wasn't going to take responsibility for it. It wasn't my fault it was so busy and that one restaurant was closed, the other not good enough for him to try and the other packed full. Anyway, he kept saying "I'm not saying you ruined the day, but we need to plan better." This seemed like a cop out to me. We have gone here literally a hundred times, we often dine out, and just go somewhere without plans, without reservations. But this time because it took a bit longer now he's mad and we need to plan better.

 

I think he just can't handle stress and he sulks instead of snapping. That's his way of trying to control how angry he feels. But it still hurts to not be talked to. He thinks he's managing it by giving me the silent treatment.

 

It's so beyond frustrating and it's usually over things that to me seem utterly ridiculous and like things that even if they are annoying, the average person would get over it in a few minutes. Not him though, it can take days, even weeks. He feels like things that are happenstance are intentional.

 

****H will use any and every opportunity that presents itself as one for "Explosion"****

 

I think counseling is good, but I really think he needs medication and he's not taking any initiative to go see a doctor. He asked for the number a week ago but has yet to make an appointment. This is with his GP doctor.

 

****even highly educated professionals in the fields of mental health do not "diagnose" their relatives.

You are trying.

You are hoping that by getting inside Hs head, you can fix H.

You can't.

The only person who can fix H is H.

With YEARS of therapy.

He's developed whole patterns if behaviours AS patterns of the ONLY way he knows to LIVE AS AN ADULT in this world.

H is suffering and is going to make YOU suffer until YOU BREAK FREE from him.****

 

I put in a request two nights ago for a Psychiatrist. I am waiting to hear back for availability - but I know it can take a while.

 

So many prayers for your healing Jennifer.

You've done better than your very best for this man.

He's NOT your responsibility.

No matter how MUCH HE makes you think so.

This is ALL ON HIM.

HE needs to face his issues and the only way he'll be forced to is if you make him get out of your house.

He may threaten suicide.

If so call emergency services immediately but NEVER offer him sympathy nor get caught up in the cycle he wants to pull you back in to.

 

Lion Heart

Edited October 27, 2016 by Lion Heart

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jennifer, how are you faring? Usually no mews is good news so I hope that is the vase with you. How is your husband conducting himself? Hopefully as time has gone by his withdrawal symptoms have reduced in severity

However since he does have a mental health problem he should be on medication. Do hope he has been to a doctor and is acting more responsibly. Anyway the holiday season is approaching so wish you the very best. Cheers.

[usa1ah]

I hate how pot gets blamed for these things...he would be acting the same regardless if he smoked up or not...the pot probably makes him a lot calmer than he would be actually.

 

Pot doesn't make people lazy, lack of drive makes people lazy. Him going off his meds probably had the biggest effect.

 

Not true. Medically proven it does. It also slows reflexes. It also slows neurological input.

 

Took a class about 6 years ago about the effects of pot on the body. It is not as harmless as poeple would have you believe.