I walked out tonight with our kids

[Jennifer26]

I don't think he sent her a text message, I think she was saying that she'd e happy IF he sent that.

 

No, the text messages posted earlier was a real conversation. But there was also a post I made prior to that saying what I wish he'd say - maybe you are referring to that?

[Jennifer26]

Wow.

 

I hope when I have arguments with my SO in the future....I hope it's a women who can ACTUALLY articulate her feelings in such a calm and concise manner as you did while also displaying your obvious love for him.

 

I have nothing to add to your debacle as I feel that you are leaps and bounds ahead of most people here. After reading your letter, I'd imagine a favorable response considering his earlier text to you.

Thanks, but that's not usually how my husband perceives things. In fact, the nicer I am sometimes the more irritated he gets. He thinks I have a "holier than thou" attitude. Sometimes I think he feels better when I do explode.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Ah....I see.

 

My mistake.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Thanks, but that's not usually how my husband perceives things. In fact, the nicer I am sometimes the more irritated he gets. He thinks I have a "holier than thou" attitude. Sometimes I think he feels better when I do explode.

 

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

 

You exploding on him shows you care. If that has been the case over the years, it's positive reinforcement, unfortunately, IMO.

 

Maybe, you being calm and collected and readily identifying what you want from him while also telling him you still adore him and want to work things out will be the kick in the ass he needs?

[rester]

I'm very sorry it has come to this but I skimmed through a couple of your older threads and you've had major major issues for over eight years. Have you gone back to reread those threads?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/160523-i-think-i-am-going-crazy

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/180884-my-husband-seems-so-unhappy-i-am-loss

 

This has been dragging on for far too long. It's time for a new start.

[ChickiePops]

Ah....I see.

 

My mistake.

 

That doesn't rhyme! You should've said:

 

Oh I see that's my mistake, I didn't know that text was fake.

[Lowrider93]

Hey Chickiepops, a little laughter goes a long way on this site.

[Jennifer26]

So I sent the email and this is the reply I received: "You and the boys were my everything. I'm sorry I failed you all."

 

He packed up and left before I got home. He cried and hugged our teenage son and told him he was sorry.

 

This has been a very hard day.

[BluesPower]

I think you did the right thing.

 

I know that you hurt right now, and that is ok. If your husband can get himself together, maybe you can have a real marriage.

 

But until he does, you need to take care of you and your kids.

 

Stay strong...

[EZNona]

So I sent the email and this is the reply I received: "You and the boys were my everything. I'm sorry I failed you all."

 

He packed up and left before I got home. He cried and hugged our teenage son and told him he was sorry.

 

This has been a very hard day.

 

I'm really sorry this is happening to you and your family. The letter you wrote was so real and heartfelt and I hope you don't regret sending it.

 

Hopefully, after some time, your husband will come out of the fog he has enveloped himself into and is able to come back a better man.

 

Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom and lose the most precious things in life to them before they get that wake-up call they so desperately need.

 

It looks like you guys have gotten to a point where it might be best to be away from each other for awhile. Some space and peace away from each other to de-stress and get some mental clarification.

 

Just continue to be a smart, caring, and brave woman for yourself and for your children. I pray your husband can regain his former strength and pull himself out this situation and get some real help to save himself and repair his family.

[Jennifer26]

I think you did the right thing.

 

I know that you hurt right now, and that is ok. If your husband can get himself together, maybe you can have a real marriage.

 

But until he does, you need to take care of you and your kids.

 

Stay strong...

 

I'm really sorry this is happening to you and your family. The letter you wrote was so real and heartfelt and I hope you don't regret sending it.

 

Hopefully, after some time, your husband will come out of the fog he has enveloped himself into and is able to come back a better man.

 

Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom and lose the most precious things in life to them before they get that wake-up call they so desperately need.

 

It looks like you guys have gotten to a point where it might be best to be away from each other for awhile. Some space and peace away from each other to de-stress and get some mental clarification.

 

Just continue to be a smart, caring, and brave woman for yourself and for your children. I pray your husband can regain his former strength and pull himself out this situation and get some real help to save himself and repair his family.

 

 

Thank you both so much. It is so helpful to have somewhere to go to vent and get some input.

 

My husband replied, this is what I am up against. This is in response to me telling him I have a therapy appointment booked that he his invited to join:

 

I hope they can help you see how everything that's happened since Friday was 2000x more difficult than just asking for help, or collaborating, or whatever you want to call it. Maybe they can help you see the double standard of saying I didn't help while simultaneously dismissing anything I said or felt, and undermining anything I did. Someone there has to be able to explain in terms you can understand what's wrong with playing 'get on my level' in what should have been a team effort. I hope they can team up and get across to you that this will only happen again and again. You think I'm a loser now? How will you feel when it sinks in that you worked harder and with more determination on tearing down anyone you're with than anything else? You trashed a 16 year relationship because, somehow, that was easier for you. Being stubborn and competitive appears more important to you than LOVE--that you can't see this is why I don't have a home. That you can't see the handicap you have is why I will never be happy with you--because you don't understand the nuances happiness requires. Or maybe you don't CARE. Either way, I'm the eternal idiot for thinking you would at some point. That maybe if I waited you would finally get it one day. I can't show it to you, because anything I say to you or the children is so unbearable that silence is the only option, yet at the same time your stacking reasons why I'm a piece of **** in your head. There is no way ANYONE BUT YOU can change that. Even if I became everything you wanted, there would always be other reasons for you not to respect me, because the problem here is that you don't know what the **** respect is, how it's earned, or how it's given. You have a picture in your head of how respect and love and affirmation that is wrong, so every time you go looking, you never find it. Your experience has been that respect looks like bipolar mud wrestling. You have your family to thank for that, which probably plays no small role in why you never got more than 10 feet away from them--because they taught you mostly dysfunctional behaviors and thinking--and that **** doesn't make one feel very equipped in the real world.

 

 

My response was this:

 

I'm sorry but I just see things differently. I think you want to brush aside the fact that you sit in the garage and get high day in day out. I think you want to brush aside the fact that you have checked out. I think you want to brush aside the fact that you have some sort of depression and or mood disorder.

 

If you don't feel like you need to change, then don't change. I am telling you what I need from you.

 

You either want to try or you don't. Maybe you're right, maybe this is all me, maybe it's all from my dysfunctional family.

 

Overall, I feel pretty happy with who I am as a person. But maybe I am really a horrible person and just can't see it. Maybe my perception of reality is so skewed I can't even tell up from down and right from left.

 

The entire reason I suggested therapy is because we obviously cannot see what the other is saying.

 

I am planning to go with or without you. With you would obviously be to try to make things work between us without you is for support to get through what is to come which will not be easy on you, me or the kids.

[Jennifer26]

P.S. I think I screwed up big time.

 

After my husband left, my fourteen year old son was left home by himself for about a half hour before I arrived. My husband cried, hugged him, packed his stuff in the car in front of him and left.

 

My son ran downstairs, trashed the family room, threw a remote at the television. My mother and I walked in to find this, and my son was angry at me. He blames me for this. My mother stepped in and told my son that he needs to stop, that his dad is choosing this not me. That he needs to consider how much this hurts me too and that I have pneumonia on top of it all (I am still not better, I need to go back to the doctor because I am having difficulty breathing).

 

I became angry and did something I regret now. I said to my son something pretty much like "Your father chose this, your father is putting himself before you, your brother or me. Your father is the one who decided to sit out in the garage and smoke marijuana for the past several years."

 

My son is old enough to have gone through DARE and knows that marijuana is a drug. He kept saying, my dad would't do drugs. But he knows I am telling the truth.

 

I don't think my son is old enough for this information and I think it adds more to what already is an awful situation for him.

 

Clearly he's going to therapy with me. Both of my kids are.

 

It just came out of my mouth like word vomit. I wish I could take it back.

[EZNona]

P.S. I think I screwed up big time.

 

After my husband left, my fourteen year old son was left home by himself for about a half hour before I arrived. My husband cried, hugged him, packed his stuff in the car in front of him and left.

 

My son ran downstairs, trashed the family room, threw a remote at the television. My mother and I walked in to find this, and my son was angry at me. He blames me for this. My mother stepped in and told my son that he needs to stop, that his dad is choosing this not me. That he needs to consider how much this hurts me too and that I have pneumonia on top of it all (I am still not better, I need to go back to the doctor because I am having difficulty breathing).

 

I became angry and did something I regret now. I said to my son something pretty much like "Your father chose this, your father is putting himself before you, your brother or me. Your father is the one who decided to sit out in the garage and smoke marijuana for the past several years."

 

My son is old enough to have gone through DARE and knows that marijuana is a drug. He kept saying, my dad would't do drugs. But he knows I am telling the truth.

 

I don't think my son is old enough for this information and I think it adds more to what already is an awful situation for him.

 

Clearly he's going to therapy with me. Both of my kids are.

 

It just came out of my mouth like word vomit. I wish I could take it back.

 

You're a parent, but no parent is perfect. And honestly, you only told him what he already knew deep-down.

 

When a parent leaves (especially the Father), many times the Mother gets the blame at first. I experienced that within my own family dynamic when we were younger...but as children get older and wiser, they get out of the denial and realize the truth.

 

I would sit down and have a talk with your son when you are both calm and express how much you and your husband love him, but that there are important issues that need to be worked out between you and him to make for a better family. And that no matter what happens, nothing will stop you and your husband from giving him all the love he needs and deserves. And I would also ask for him to try to be patient with you two adults as you are trying to figure this all out. I'm very glad to hear you will be bringing your sons to therapy. This is a big change for everyone.

 

Trust me, you did the right thing by leaving. The fact your husband comes home daily just to smoke it up and even all weekend is beyond neglectful to his family. If I had a husband who did that even for just ONE day, I would be gone.

 

The letter he wrote to you shows that he isn't ready to face himself and his shortcomings in the mirror as a husband and father. Lots of blame shifting and anger going on there.

[Lowrider93]

Sorry you can't take your words back too.

 

Does your son understand why you left? (Without pointing fingers)

 

Does he know you want to work things out with his father?

 

Is he old enough to know that your marriage is unhealthy?

 

Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

[Raena]

I think you've been through enough with this man. His porn addiction that kept him from being able to maintain a healthy sex life with you, then his boredom at being home, unemployed taking care of the kids all day and going to school all night while you paid the bills and took care of the family and now to his addiction to pot. He's never really been in this marriage at all with you. Not from what you've talked about here on LS anyway.

 

His comment about you trashing a 16 year marriage because it was easier for you just seems ludicrous considering you've been off and on going to therapy and trying to figure out how to deal with his and your issues for quite awhile. It's not like you just had one fight and up and walked out. This has been going on for many years. It hasn't been easy at all from what I read in your past threads. Eventually you just have to say "Enough is enough!!" and draw the line. You can't make him be who you want and apparently he can't open up enough to converse with you about what he needs either.

 

I'm not a fan of giving too much information to kids about their parents relationship issues but I don't think that what you said to your oldest son was all that far out of line. He's old enough to know and see what's been going on, even if he doesn't want to admit it. I'd be careful about sharing too much information with him though. He'll want answers but the therapist can help you figure out what to tell him and how much information he should know.

 

One thing I did want to say though... Prozac can make you feel apathetic while on it and coming off of it without the support of a doctor weaning you off can have massive side effects (anxiety, irritability, mood swings, feelings of confusion, etc.). It's not recommended to just stop taking it cold turkey. A good deal of his apathy could have been coming from the prozac as much as the pot. Both can make you feel like you just don't care about a single thing in the world. Regardless, I agree with you that he needs to see a licensed psychotherapist.

 

Maybe this break will be just what you both need to get your lives straight. You've been so wrapped up in what his problems are and he's been so wrapped up in his own head. Maybe some time alone to focus on you would be good for you.

 

Best of luck to you... I hope it works out well.

[ChickiePops]

It sounds like your husband is in a serious depression spiral and nobody can pull him out of it but himself. Hopefully he's able to do that quickly for the sake of your kids.

 

You did make a mistake blaming him and it sounds like perhaps he may have done the same to you. I'm glad you're getting your kids into therapy.

 

You sound like a very level headed woman. I think you and your kids will be ok.

[Jennifer26]

Thank you everyone for all of the support, input and advice.

 

My husband reached out to me this morning. He has agreed to go to therapy, says he's going through withdrawals right now from not smoking pot for the last couple of days.

 

I went home yesterday evening and all of his paraphernalia and supply were in the garage. I threw it all in the trash.

 

He says he wants to join a gym, go to yoga with me, go to therapy with me. He's asking me to go to bed earlier (I am a night owl), not scold him when he tries to discipline the kids (I do it because I think he's too harsh, but we'll save this for therapy) and to listen to his needs - which he didn't say what they were but I know it includes affection and sex. I have been withdrawn for years and he's said to me many times that I never give him these things.

 

Crossing my fingers. I hope the therapist can help with his issues with depression, because I think until that's addressed, nothing else can really be fixed.

[BluesPower]

Well good luck.

 

I hope he can change, but just keep your eyes open and try not to waste your life if he does not.

[Jennifer26]

Well good luck.

 

I hope he can change, but just keep your eyes open and try not to waste your life if he does not.

 

I definitely plan to be more vigilant going forward. I just can't go back to how things were. Had he not agreed to go to therapy, this marriage would be over.

 

I don't expect this will be easy, or that therapy will be a fix all solution. This is going to take a lot of effort and work and he's going to have to be willing to work with me and put his family before unhealthy behaviors.

 

I will try to support him as he goes through this process, but I will not stay if he quits.

 

My children are a big part of why I am going to give him this chance. They were more upset than I was, especially my teenage son. My husband knows this too, and I really hope it was an eye opener and motivator for him to change.

[pteromom]

Thank you everyone for all of the support, input and advice.

 

My husband reached out to me this morning. He has agreed to go to therapy, says he's going through withdrawals right now from not smoking pot for the last couple of days.

 

I went home yesterday evening and all of his paraphernalia and supply were in the garage. I threw it all in the trash.

 

He says he wants to join a gym, go to yoga with me, go to therapy with me. He's asking me to go to bed earlier (I am a night owl), not scold him when he tries to discipline the kids (I do it because I think he's too harsh, but we'll save this for therapy) and to listen to his needs - which he didn't say what they were but I know it includes affection and sex. I have been withdrawn for years and he's said to me many times that I never give him these things.

 

Crossing my fingers. I hope the therapist can help with his issues with depression, because I think until that's addressed, nothing else can really be fixed.

 

Firstly, his angry response to you was a typical blameshifting response. I would completely ignore it.

 

Secondly, I am glad he is agreeing to counseling. I would let him temporarily get an apartment while you do it, since he's already moved out. You need a little space to be you and he needs a little space to be him, while you both decide how to move forward.

 

Thirdly, what you said to your son wasn't ideal, but it was the truth. There is no point in letting him believe you kicked your husband out. Although you can go back to him and make sure he knows that his father's poor choices doesn't mean that he doesn't love his family. Remember - kids like to blame themselves.

 

Lastly... you aren't asking for anything unrealistic or crazy here. Trust yourself.

[BluesPower]

I hope his eyes are opened.

 

I went through this for 20 out of the 26 years with my wife, only her addiction was hidden. I did not know what was going on.

 

She got sober, which is what he needs to do, and we are giving it another try. I don't know what the future holds but it is ok for now.

 

Good luck...

[Marc878]

Jennifer,

 

Your life to a large extent is going to be what you make it.

 

Never back down from the path you've now taken. At this time your children depend on how you handle this.

 

Your husband needs accountability not coddling. He can overcome this if he chooses but you must remain strong on your convictions.

 

Many do not wake up until all is lost but by that time you will not an option.

 

You need to make him understand this if there is to be a future together.

 

At some point if this doesn't change you will be done and there won't be anything left to fix.

[Jennifer26]

This was by far the worst fight my husband and I have had, and the closest we've been to ending things. He is a ball of emotions right now. He goes between crying, to hugging the kids and I, to staring off into space.

 

He's so depressed. The marijuana and being away from us most of the time hid it somewhat.

 

He's been an ass, but I am worried about him right now. He's agreed to go back on an antidepressant, and we're going to our first therapy session on Tuesday.

 

I didn't walk out to make him change. I walked out because I could no longer tolerate what he was doing or be a part of it. However, I think he knew that I was fully ready to end things and I don't think he ever thought I'd do that. I think right now he's quite shaken, but I know that won't last and things could very easily slide back to what they were.

 

I want an entire lifestyle change for both of us. We've been talking about this a lot the past couple of days. He quit smoking cigarettes as well as the pot, and I have quit smoking cigarettes too. He stopped in a local YMCA and picked up an application on his way home from work without my asking. We're planning to spend more time together as a family, with our children, doing healthier things. Last night we took our boys out to dinner and went shopping with them. Both of my boys were so happy just to be with both of us. My husband noticed how they both were so well behaved and more cheerful than usual.

 

A typical Thursday night prior would have been neither my kids or I seeing my husband all night as he sat in the garage, and me inside cooking dinner, cleaning, getting the kids stuff ready, getting my stuff ready, giving my youngest a bath, etc. and then watching tv until I fell asleep. No quality time with my kids, none with my husband.

 

My husband told me that he's scared to not have marijuana, because without it he feels so bored an empty (I think that's his depression) and he doesn't know what to do when he feels that way. He said that he started it in the first place because he couldn't stand how he felt.

 

I really hope the antidepressants, the therapy, and the change in our lifestyle will all foster this to continue on and improve over the years. I am also so anxious this will fall apart and I don't want to stress myself out now trying to constantly keep this all going on my own. My husband is going to have to continue to want this to make it work.

 

I have been unhappy for too long. I joined this forum when I was only twenty-six-years-old and now a decade has gone by. I do not want to wake up someday and regret my life.

[BluesPower]

Maybe it will be enough for him to sober up.

 

I really hope so. Don't reduce your stance on your feelings.

 

What you will learn is that you have in fact been enabling him to stay stoned and drunk because you allowed it in your life.

 

It is something a lot of us do when we have drug addicted people that we love in our lives.

 

In therapy, you need to learn about codependency. Most people in our position are codependent.

 

Good luck to you and yours...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jennifer, it is good to see the progress being made by you and your family but particularly by your husband. I think this sudden separation and the events that led up to have resonated at some level within him and even though he has been in a marijuana induced fog, it has percolated down to some part of his brain that his sixteen year marriage is under severe threat of going belly up. I think that the way you have handled things and the way you have held up under severe emotional and physical stress is beyond remarkable. Sadly, you as the woman in the relationship have had to carry the entire burden of your family, including that of your husband, on your shoulders. It goes to show that really speaking, you are the man in this relationship andaybe one day, your husband will acknowledge this fact. You have kept your head when others in your position would have lost theirs. I truly believe you would make a good General and if not, definitely a good leader.

Having read through your previous posts it is apparent that there is a big difference in your perception of things vis a vis that of your husband's. Maybe his is fuelled by dope but since he articulated it clearly, I would give some credence to it. I particularly noted what he had to say about you being competitive and being right and placing this above your capacity for love. I am assuming he was being delusional when he made that comment but I was wondering whether at any time in your marriage you came across as being competitive or needing to be right where he was concerned? My own thinking is whether these perceptions on his part are accurate or not, his concerns need to be addressed in joint therapy sessions that the two of you would be atyending. For the rest of it, you have been given good advice by the forum mbrrs and all of us here support you fully as you move forward to repair and reclaim your marriage. I hope for the sake of your children particularly, and for your own sakes that you are able to come out of this harrowing experience successfully and happily and that henceforth you, as a family will be able to forge ahead with a happy and proactive, fun filled, productive life in the coming years. Cheers for a Happy Future!