Taking time off of dating

[Lorenza]

Hi Lorenza!

 

It's funny, I really could've wrote this post...word for word

 

The past year I've jumped from relationship to relationship....got burned by a few...broke a couple hearts too. It never phased me...I just kept going and going

 

Like you, I was trying to fill that void. I crave love, affection and a bf too. I thrive in relationships....I live for them. But after all my failed relationships this past 12 months I realized I'm so burnt out I have nothing left to give and cant open myself up to recieve anything either

 

I think you answered your own question in your post. You know you need time to yourself...time to recharge your batteries. I was never devasted by any of the endings to my relationships...its not like I have a gapping wound to tend to....but after we jump around from guy to guy....its hard to see straight and make sound decisions (I made some bad choices in men too...ignored incompatibilities, red flags etc)

 

The problem is, its so tempting to jump back into OLD. I havent dated anyone in almost 2 months which is a year long record for me but yesterday when I was out with my gfs...I realized my match account was still active...so yup!...now I'm on it again! I'm convincing myself not to take it seriously....and judging by the selection of men....thats not too difficult lol

 

So listen to your gut girly....take a breather....decompress....clear your head. You know what to do....I've read your posts on here....you're a smart woman...its time to listen to yourself and take a break

 

Thanks, Disillusionment!

 

I can completely relate to what you wrote about thriving in a relationship, that describes me perfectly as well. Too bad that women like us, who are ready to give it all, as a result make such bad choices in men. Must be because of all the rushing to love and be loved again.

 

Don't know how about you, but I noticed that the more honest, genuine and devoted I am in a relationship, the less respect I get from my partners. At the end, the way they treat me is the complete opposite of how they treated me in the beginning. Wonder if they sense my weakness and feed their egos on it.

 

The guy I was with before, was completely heartbroken when women who didn't care so much about him, broke up with him, but couldn't care less when I, who cared so much about his wellbeing, mental health and talked and thought so highly about him, finally cut ties.

 

Must be something in me that reeks of some kind of weakness and desperation and I've got to figure how to break this pattern before submerging myself into new waters.

 

So yes, like you say - got to breath and decompress...

[Lorenza]

I'm curious to know how in the past jumping into new relationships has worked miracles for you and why you have decided to try a different approach now?

 

I've never tried jumping from one rel to the next always need time in between. Sure you miss the affection and intimacy but you learn to adapt. We are programmed to become habitual no matter what that habit/routine is. The key is to ride the painful part out, and then you eventually get used to your new state of contentment.

 

If you convince yourself you need to be with a man to feel good then you will seek that out and never feel content on your own.

 

It worked miracles to make me forget the past. Like my feelings smoothly went over from one person to another each time (4 times in total, to be exact).

 

I decided to try a new approach because all of those times I made very bad choices. I picked unavailable men who don't want the same I do. Ignored the warning signs. Just went with the feeling of intoxication, so happy that I'm in love again. It was all that mattered, "I'll deal with the incompatibilities later", I thought.

[Lorenza]

Believe it or not, I've known the most moral people to "cave" to at least one FWB situation to ease the craving for human contact.

 

Oh, no no no, I don't that's immoral at all! If it works for people, I'm happy for them.

 

But myself, I can only enjoy physical contact if I really like the person. So most likely I would just develope feelings and be left as a fool.

[Toodaloo]

I wonder: how do people who choose to stay single for a longer while deal with intimacy cravings? Not necessarily sex, but just closeness, affection, hugs etc.

 

They get a dog...

 

Or they get a cat... and that leads to another cat and another and another... Because lets face it. Cats are like handbags and shoes. You can never have too many...

 

I have spend years on my own (and a small fortune in Ann Summers, God blass that woman). Its actually quite liberating knowing I can cope going to bed at night after watching that scary movie or that I can hang that door, or do all those things about the house and garden. I enjoy being on my own... Yes I miss companionship but being on my own is a good thing.

[carhill]

Yes I miss companionship but being on my own is a good thing.

 

OP, that's the balance I was speaking to. Beware of the opposite of the quote, not 'missing' the companionship. That's the slippery slope. Why? Because companions don't just fall into one's lap and sit there. They take effort and care to seek out and maintain. If the drive for that goes away, the effort and care diverts somewhere else. Pets are one example.

 

IMO, as long as you still 'miss' not having a companion but are OK alone, dating will find you again.

[Miss Peach]

For me, I don't date unless I can date with self esteem in tow. I have taken breaks and done back to back relationships. Regardless of what I do, if I am happy with my life and will take it as-id without a guy, then that's when I attract good ones. If I can't then I don't date.

[Lorenza]

They get a dog...

 

Or they get a cat... and that leads to another cat and another and another... Because lets face it. Cats are like handbags and shoes. You can never have too many...

 

I have spend years on my own (and a small fortune in Ann Summers, God blass that woman). Its actually quite liberating knowing I can cope going to bed at night after watching that scary movie or that I can hang that door, or do all those things about the house and garden. I enjoy being on my own... Yes I miss companionship but being on my own is a good thing.

 

I have a cat! He loves to cuddle with me, especially when I'm down. But it's still not the same, hehe. Sometimes it feels super good to grab a bucket of B&J's, cuddle up with my cat and watch Pride and Prejudice for the 50th time, but otherwise I feel this unquenchable longing so strongly that I almost want to howl.

 

But this feeling is not nearly as bad now when I'm actually single and know that I'm alone because I'm supposed to be alone. It was worse when I was with my ex and felt lonely because he didn't want to make time for me.

 

It kinda feels ok now. I do love my own company, as the only child I had to learn to play by myself ;D

[Dis]

Thanks, Disillusionment!

 

I can completely relate to what you wrote about thriving in a relationship, that describes me perfectly as well. Too bad that women like us, who are ready to give it all, as a result make such bad choices in men. Must be because of all the rushing to love and be loved again.

 

Don't know how about you, but I noticed that the more honest, genuine and devoted I am in a relationship, the less respect I get from my partners. At the end, the way they treat me is the complete opposite of how they treated me in the beginning. Wonder if they sense my weakness and feed their egos on it.

 

The guy I was with before, was completely heartbroken when women who didn't care so much about him, broke up with him, but couldn't care less when I, who cared so much about his wellbeing, mental health and talked and thought so highly about him, finally cut ties.

 

Must be something in me that reeks of some kind of weakness and desperation and I've got to figure how to break this pattern before submerging myself into new waters.

 

So yes, like you say - got to breath and decompress...

 

Ya Lorenza...I've had the same experiences...to the tee

 

I think it comes down to our poor choices in men...because men that are good guys, with good hearts, good intentions, would never be turned off by a woman who treated them well

 

I think its time for both of us to re-evalate why we pick the men we do. My therapist had a good idea for me...this is it...

 

Write about each guy in a chart under these columns...

 

Column #1-Why I chose to be with them (e.g, chemistry, attraction etc)

 

Column #2-What I liked about them and want our future partner to have

 

Column #3-What I didnt like about them that we wont tolerate again

 

Column #4-Red flags they displayed

 

Column #5- Incompatiblities

 

Column #6- Reason for break up

 

I have yet to complete this chart...its been a crazy few weeks of nursing school but I'm going to start it tomorrow since my first exam is over with. I think it will help me recognize patterns and areas of my judgment that I need to work on before I can get back out there

 

I dont know about you but it seems like I'm the common denominator here....if I dont work on myself....I wont be able to have a health relationship in the future...for example, I dated a SUPER nice guy...I mean he rolled out the red carpet for me, wanted to know everything about me, wanted to support me in everything I did...and guess what??? He turned me OFF! So I ended things with him

 

So yup....lots of introspection and self improvement needs to be done in my part....sounds like you ran into similiar problems as me so maybe this will help you out a bit I hope!

[Gr8fuln2020]

Ya Lorenza...I've had the same experiences...to the tee

 

I think it comes down to our poor choices in men...because men that are good guys, with good hearts, good intentions, would never be turned off by a woman who treated them well

 

I think its time for both of us to re-evalate why we pick the men we do. My therapist had a good idea for me...this is it...

 

Write about each guy in a chart under these columns...

 

Column #1-Why I chose to be with them (e.g, chemistry, attraction etc)

 

Column #2-What I liked about them and want our future partner to have

 

Column #3-What I didnt like about them that we wont tolerate again

 

Column #4-Red flags they displayed

 

Column #5- Incompatiblities

 

Column #6- Reason for break up

 

I have yet to complete this chart...its been a crazy few weeks of nursing school but I'm going to start it tomorrow since my first exam is over with. I think it will help me recognize patterns and areas of my judgment that I need to work on before I can get back out there

 

I dont know about you but it seems like I'm the common denominator here....if I dont work on myself....I wont be able to have a health relationship in the future...for example, I dated a SUPER nice guy...I mean he rolled out the red carpet for me, wanted to know everything about me, wanted to support me in everything I did...and guess what??? He turned me OFF! So I ended things with him

 

So yup....lots of introspection and self improvement needs to be done in my part....sounds like you ran into similiar problems as me so maybe this will help you out a bit I hope!

 

What turned you off with the nice guy?! EXACTLY what was it? Was he SO nice?

 

Creating a list or ledger of wants and what-not can only be helpful IF you discover something useful and you adhere to your own recommendations. People are immutable, 1/2-dimensional objects that can easily be catergorized.

 

How old are you? I can probably tell you more based on nothing more than your age and age of guys you date than most other qualities. If you are youngish...unfortunately, this day and age, there is little to NO pressure, motivation to remain monogamous. That simple.

[Lorenza]

Ya Lorenza...I've had the same experiences...to the tee

 

I think it comes down to our poor choices in men...because men that are good guys, with good hearts, good intentions, would never be turned off by a woman who treated them well

 

I think its time for both of us to re-evalate why we pick the men we do. My therapist had a good idea for me...this is it...

 

Write about each guy in a chart under these columns...

 

Column #1-Why I chose to be with them (e.g, chemistry, attraction etc)

 

Column #2-What I liked about them and want our future partner to have

 

Column #3-What I didnt like about them that we wont tolerate again

 

Column #4-Red flags they displayed

 

Column #5- Incompatiblities

 

Column #6- Reason for break up

 

I have yet to complete this chart...its been a crazy few weeks of nursing school but I'm going to start it tomorrow since my first exam is over with. I think it will help me recognize patterns and areas of my judgment that I need to work on before I can get back out there

 

I dont know about you but it seems like I'm the common denominator here....if I dont work on myself....I wont be able to have a health relationship in the future...for example, I dated a SUPER nice guy...I mean he rolled out the red carpet for me, wanted to know everything about me, wanted to support me in everything I did...and guess what??? He turned me OFF! So I ended things with him

 

So yup....lots of introspection and self improvement needs to be done in my part....sounds like you ran into similiar problems as me so maybe this will help you out a bit I hope!

 

 

I actually think that this is a good exercise, thanks! Will make sure to fill it in for myself.

 

Exactly, there should be plenty of men out there, dreaming about a devoted, loving woman. Emotionally available men. I always happen to pick the ones who want nothing but freedom and space.

 

I read this the other day - no matter how good you are, you'll never be good enough for a man who's not ready. Hope that we'll meet someone who's ready.

 

I understand why you rejected the nice guy, probably you've preprogrammed yourself for certain types and behaviours that give you the thrill and intoxication you crave for. Maybe you want strong emotions asap and that's your love drug.

 

Me, I fall for passionate men who come on strong. Not really "bad guys", because my recent ex was the sweetest and kindest guy in the beginning and I was instantly hooked. First 3 months I thought - that's it, this is the guy I'm gonna marry, I feel it! He acted so crazy in love and so did I. The relationship started off so strong and then regressed severely. I realized that the small things I brushed off in the beginning (like him saying that he sucks at relationship or that some exes broke up with him because he didn't spend enough time with them) foreshadowed this pretty clearly but I was too high on my lovedrug to see this coming.

 

Sometimes I see nice, loyal and devoted men treated like **** by their controlling, mean and selfish girlfriends. Yet they go through ice and fire to please them. I hate this.

[LookAtThisPOst]

.I mean he rolled out the red carpet for me, wanted to know everything about me, wanted to support me in everything I did...and guess what??? He turned me OFF! So I ended things with him

 

Yes, and this is an unhealthy decision making process. You're making poor choices, but....at least you're not taking the next step...admitting you have a problem...and you're actually seeing someone about it.

 

That's a good thing! Perhaps after that's all said and done, the next nice guy you come across, you'll stick around and even marry him because the nice guy is what makes for healthy relationship or even marriage material.

 

I understand why you rejected the nice guy, probably you've preprogrammed yourself for certain types and behaviours that give you the thrill and intoxication you crave for. Maybe you want strong emotions asap and that's your love drug.

 

I recall and OK Cupid question that a woman answered that was a winner for me. I had something to do with "spark" or "passion" or something..I think it was "passion"

 

They had to choose between what they wanted most, "Passion" or something along the lines of intellectual conversations, which do you desire most. She chose intellectual conversations because "passion" may not ALWAYS be present.

 

Which is true, you can have it all, consistently. Someone who BORES easily is a person who is someone you wouldn't want a long term relationship with, but for some reason, men are told how to jump hoops to make themselves interesting to a person that's bored with life to begin with.

Edited September 27, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

[Dis]

What turned you off with the nice guy?! EXACTLY what was it? Was he SO nice?

 

Creating a list or ledger of wants and what-not can only be helpful IF you discover something useful and you adhere to your own recommendations. People are immutable, 1/2-dimensional objects that can easily be catergorized.

 

How old are you? I can probably tell you more based on nothing more than your age and age of guys you date than most other qualities. If you are youngish...unfortunately, this day and age, there is little to NO pressure, motivation to remain monogamous. That simple.

 

Good questions and helpful insight

 

I turned 30 in June. My ex's were anywhere from 32-37. Granted most of them were manchildren...not at all mature adults when it came to relationships..but I chose them

 

The nice guy....my answer is going to sound horribly shallow and and I dont know what to make of it but....he was really short, I was used to dating really tall guys so in my mind I convinced myself his height was a deal breaker. I do prefer taller guys by far. But I think the core issue was he seemed very intimidated by my looks, he kept talking about how gorgeous I was and how he was overjoyed to be sitting within 3 feet of my presence....that stuff really turned me off...he was pretty insecure and had some jealousy issues

 

So you dont think the chart is a good idea huh??? Can you elaborate on that alittle?? I'm just curious

[Dis]

I actually think that this is a good exercise, thanks! Will make sure to fill it in for myself.

 

Exactly, there should be plenty of men out there, dreaming about a devoted, loving woman. Emotionally available men. I always happen to pick the ones who want nothing but freedom and space.

 

I read this the other day - no matter how good you are, you'll never be good enough for a man who's not ready. Hope that we'll meet someone who's ready.

 

I understand why you rejected the nice guy, probably you've preprogrammed yourself for certain types and behaviours that give you the thrill and intoxication you crave for. Maybe you want strong emotions asap and that's your love drug.

 

Me, I fall for passionate men who come on strong. Not really "bad guys", because my recent ex was the sweetest and kindest guy in the beginning and I was instantly hooked. First 3 months I thought - that's it, this is the guy I'm gonna marry, I feel it! He acted so crazy in love and so did I. The relationship started off so strong and then regressed severely. I realized that the small things I brushed off in the beginning (like him saying that he sucks at relationship or that some exes broke up with him because he didn't spend enough time with them) foreshadowed this pretty clearly but I was too high on my lovedrug to see this coming.

 

Sometimes I see nice, loyal and devoted men treated like **** by their controlling, mean and selfish girlfriends. Yet they go through ice and fire to please them. I hate this.

 

Oh wow! The bold print....yup that happened to me too....a guy love bombed me back in Feburary....and I soon found out he wasnt the nice/loving/caring guy I feel for. And yup I felt like I feel in love with him over night! It was so intense..he wanted me around alllll the time. Then out of no where he dumped me. He then wanted me back and at least had the self respect to say, nope.

 

Ya I wouldnt say the guys I've been with were the "bad boy" types but they sure turned out to be a**holes in the end. They made sure they were on their best behavior in the beginning though

 

And those guys getting treated like s*it by their gfs are the male equivalent of us lol. But I think both you and I arent ones to stay with guys who treat us poorly for too too long....some people tolerate that kind of treatment for years and years

 

Another reason why I think you should take a break is because right now you're attracted to guys who arent healthy for you and unless you figure out why it is you chose those men and stop chosing these men in the future....you wont find the kind of relationship you want....instead your head will always be spinning....running to catch that next guy. Thats one of my problems too. Unless we solve the core issues that lie within ourselves...we'll never have that happy/healthy relationship we both crave

[Gr8fuln2020]

What turned you off with the nice guy?! EXACTLY what was it? Was he SO nice?

 

Creating a list or ledger of wants and what-not can only be helpful IF you discover something useful and you adhere to your own recommendations. People are immutable, 1/2-dimensional objects that can easily be catergorized.

 

How old are you? I can probably tell you more based on nothing more than your age and age of guys you date than most other qualities. If you are youngish...unfortunately, this day and age, there is little to NO pressure, motivation to remain monogamous. That simple.

 

I meant:

People are NOT immutable...

[katiegrl]

 

Me, I fall for passionate men who come on strong. Not really "bad guys", because my recent ex was the sweetest and kindest guy in the beginning and I was instantly hooked. First 3 months I thought - that's it, this is the guy I'm gonna marry, I feel it! He acted so crazy in love and so did I. The relationship started off so strong and then regressed severely. I realized that the small things I brushed off in the beginning (like him saying that he sucks at relationship or that some exes broke up with him because he didn't spend enough time with them) foreshadowed this pretty clearly but I was too high on my lovedrug to see this coming.

 

 

Lorenza, the bolded seems to contradict what you posted earlier about him needing so much space to the point of ridiculousness.

 

If he came on strong and acted so crazy in love, giving you loads of attention and apparently meeting your needs for the first three months.... that would indicate that somewhere along the line he LOST interest, which is why he suddenly required so much space.

 

For me (and I would think most people who need more space), I need space straight from the get go.... I don't need tons of togetherness for the first few months and then suddenly need space.

 

If that were the case, then it would mean I lost interest and therefore do not wish for all that togetherness anymore.

 

Would probably just next him... but some guys are cowards in this regard. Would rather just hang out and string her along until something better comes along.

 

When that happens, best for YOU to walk away.. instead of hanging out waiting for him to get back to how he was in the beginning. Not gonna happen.

 

Something to think about.

Edited September 28, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lorenza]

Lorenza, the bolded seems to contradict what you posted earlier about him needing so much space to the point of ridiculousness.

 

If he came on strong and acted so crazy in love, giving you loads of attention and apparently meeting your needs for the first three months.... that would indicate that somewhere along the line he LOST interest, which is why he suddenly required so much space.

 

For me (and I would think most people who need more space), I need space straight from the get go.... I don't need tons of togetherness for the first few months and then suddenly need space.

 

If that were case, then it would mean I lost interest and therefore do not wish for all that togetherness anymore.

 

Would probably just next him... but some guys are cowards in this regard. Would rather just hang out and string her along until something better comes along.

 

When that happens, best for YOU to walk away.. instead of hanging out waiting for him to get back to how he was in the beginning. Not gonna happen.

 

Something to think about.

 

I understand that it sounds like a contradiction, but that's exactly how it was. A lot of togetherness, passion, sweet words and smses and suddenly it just dropped. He did warn me though during the initial chatting, but as he acted completely opposite in the beginning, I did not want to believe him. Until it happened.

 

From adoring me to barely spending time with me. All happened in just few weeks in January or something. He might have tried while the initial intoxicatiin was still on, then got tired and decided "f it, I'll just do what suits me". From then on just used me as an occasional distraction. Have heard so many excuses that it will suffice for my whole life. A lot of "drag-pull" too.

 

He claims it happened to all of his RL. But his reasons don't matter to me anymore. What matters more is MY reasons to why I stayed with guys like that and how to change that.

[katiegrl]

I understand that it sounds like a contradiction, but that's exactly how it was. A lot of togetherness, passion, sweet words and smses and suddenly it just dropped. He did warn me though during the initial chatting, but as he acted completely opposite in the beginning, I did not want to believe him. Until it happened.

 

From adoring me to barely spending time with me. All happened in just few weeks in January or something. He might have tried while the initial intoxicatiin was still on, then got tired and decided "f it, I'll just do what suits me". From then on just used me as an occasional distraction. Have heard so many excuses that it will suffice for my whole life. A lot of "drag-pull" too.

 

He claims it happened to all of his RL. But his reasons don't matter to me anymore. What matters more is MY reasons to why I stayed with guys like that and how to change that.

 

I dunno, easier said than I done I guess... but how about just telling yourself that you deserve better. You deserve a man who is 100% into you and not just keeping you around as a pretty side piece.

 

For me it's easy as once I sense a man has lost interest and/or is pushing me away (for whatever reasons).... I lose interest.

 

I actually need a man to be interested in me (and show it) for me to become (and maintain) my interest in him!

 

Not to the point of suffocation obviously.... there has to be a balance. And of course we both need our lone time.

 

But I definitely need him to be into me and show it, otherwise I am done. Same should hold true for HIM too!

 

If you could get to that place too Lorenza.... it's really a beautiful place to be!

Edited September 29, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

I dunno, easier said than I done I guess... but how about just telling yourself that you deserve better. You deserve a man who is 100% into you and not just keeping you around as a pretty side piece.

 

For me it's easy as once I sense a man has lost interest and/or is pushing me away (for whatever reasons).... I lose interest.

 

I actually need a man to be interested in me (and show it) for me to become (and maintain) my interest in him!

 

Not to the point of suffocation obviously.... there has to be a balance. And of course we both need our lone time.

 

But I definitely need him to be into me and show it, otherwise I am done. Same should hold true for HIM too!

 

If you could get to that place too Lorenza.... it's really a beautiful place to be!

 

To add: Lorenza, regardless of what I posted above, I think we ALL still struggle in one form or another.

 

For me, my weakness is the man who sends those dreaded mixed messages.

 

First he shows strong interest (the pull), then disinterest (the push), then interest again (pull), then disinterest (push).

 

I have had men do this in the span of one evening!

 

This totally confuses me as I can't figure out... is this man interested ... or not interested?

 

It's a bit crazy making to say the least!

 

So I may hang out a bit, until I reach the point where I say to myself.... no this man is definitely NOT interested otherwise he wouldn't be dishing out such mixed messages. Unless it's a game which is even worse! lol

 

I need to learn to walk immediately as soon as I start experiencing that.

 

Getting there!

Edited September 29, 2016 by katiegrl

[Sunkissedpatio]

It worked miracles to make me forget the past. Like my feelings smoothly went over from one person to another each time (4 times in total, to be exact).

 

I decided to try a new approach because all of those times I made very bad choices. I picked unavailable men who don't want the same I do. Ignored the warning signs. Just went with the feeling of intoxication, so happy that I'm in love again. It was all that mattered, "I'll deal with the incompatibilities later", I thought.

 

 

Thank you for your frank response. I guess I have been toying with trying your approach this time around because I have a steady track record of being alone through the whole healing process and this time around I don't want to get too comfortable being alone. I have a tendency to do that and I become almost too happy being alone. And I don't ultimately want to be alone for the long haul I figure if I make a move now then I won't settle into my comfort zone and being with someone and enjoying the routine of having someone in my life is still fresh enough that it is appealing to me.

 

Having said that, my therapist thinks it is a terrible idea, she knows as well as I do I am just not ready.

 

I'll tell you this, and this is in response to the second part of your response, I am a firm believer that in order to heal you must hurt first. Sort of like in order for a scab to form you must be cut first and bleed. What I mean by that is that if you don't allow yourself time to feel that pain and just bleed those negative emotions out of you, it stays with you on some level. Sure getting into a new relationship will help to rid the pain and distract you long enough so that your suffering is minimal but I do believe you will end up in another situation that is just not good for you.

 

The more bad relationship experiences you add to your string of romantic failures, the more baggage you carry with you. I don't have direct experience with that, but that is my fear and why I tend to choose to be alone until I feel very ready.

[Miss Peach]

 

For me it's easy as once I sense a man has lost interest and/or is pushing me away (for whatever reasons).... I lose interest.

 

I actually need a man to be interested in me (and show it) for me to become (and maintain) my interest in him!

 

I used to date EU, push/pull guys. This is what I had to work on to get better guys. I had to learn not to be attracted to the push pull, to be more confident in myself, and to not put up with that crap. Now when guys pull that crap I move onto the next one.

 

I found Natalie Lue's blog baggage reclaim very helpful. She calls these people Mr./Ms. Unavailable. There are a lot of predictable patterns in here. I had to learn to change MY behavior so that my self esteem raised and I didn't find this stuff attractive anymore.

[Toodaloo]

What turned you off with the nice guy?! EXACTLY what was it? Was he SO nice?

 

I can't answer for anyone else but my ex was a "nice guy"...

 

What turned me off was that behind doors he was a total *bleep bleep bleeeeeeeeeeep* who was not as he appeared. It happened slowly over a period of some time and he was the least caring most selfish, nasty piece of bone and gristle ever to have walked the earth.

 

He left me at a time when even the biggest douche I had ever dated before wouldn't. He lied to our friends. He made me feel like I was useless, ugly, unimportant and worthless. He abused me financially and emotionally. He cheated on me with four women at the same time that I know about. It could ell have been more...

 

But to the whole world including his own opinion of himself, he was a "nice" guy.

 

Give me the pain in the backside self opinionated a-hole. At least they are honest and what you see is what you get.

 

THAT is why I will NEVER date a "nice" guy EVER again. Because you know what? They ain't so nice.

[katiegrl]

I used to date EU, push/pull guys. This is what I had to work on to get better guys. I had to learn not to be attracted to the push pull, to be more confident in myself, and to not put up with that crap. Now when guys pull that crap I move onto the next one.

 

I found Natalie Lue's blog baggage reclaim very helpful. She calls these people Mr./Ms. Unavailable. There are a lot of predictable patterns in here. I had to learn to change MY behavior so that my self esteem raised and I didn't find this stuff attractive anymore.

 

Agree Miss Peach, did you read my subsequent post about that? The "mixed messages" / "push/pull" guy?

 

What I have also learned from reading the PUA sites, is that for some guys this push/pull is a game they play too.

 

They can be very interested *and* available, but employ the push/pull as a strategy to attract women. As it is supposed to get our brains spinning and thus heighten our emotions and increase attraction. Maybe you know all this already... I am just learning it.

 

It's a manipulation of sorts. (Below is one such article explaining the strategy, but there are tons of them floating around).

 

Although I am very cognizant of this now, I still don't quite get it. I tend to think they're just not interested (paying more attention to the "push" part).

 

Like in the article below, one such example is this: "Wow… you really do have an amazing body — I have a friend who would be so into you.”

 

The way I would interpret that is... he could NOT possibly be interested in me if he is suggesting I hook up with his friend.

 

And as such would just walk away.

 

http://www.therealsavoy.com/2015/04/powerful-pushpull-pua-techniques.html

Edited September 29, 2016 by katiegrl

[Miss Peach]

Agree Miss Peach, did you read my subsequent post about that? The "mixed messages" / "push/pull" guy?

 

What I have also learned from reading the PUA sites, is that for some guys this push/pull is a game they play too.

 

I wasn't meaning to single you out specifically. I quoted you because I felt you summed up well what the female posters are saying.

 

I agree with you it's manipulation. It's either guys who wouldn't share my values (players) or guys who are insecure. Neither are for me. If they aren't doing PUA, then they are probably EA which is also not for me.

 

So even if a guy pulls that crap, even if he really likes me, I move on and find another guy.

[2005tahoe]

I can't answer for anyone else but my ex was a "nice guy"...

 

What turned me off was that behind doors he was a total *bleep bleep bleeeeeeeeeeep* who was not as he appeared. It happened slowly over a period of some time and he was the least caring most selfish, nasty piece of bone and gristle ever to have walked the earth.

 

He left me at a time when even the biggest douche I had ever dated before wouldn't. He lied to our friends. He made me feel like I was useless, ugly, unimportant and worthless. He abused me financially and emotionally. He cheated on me with four women at the same time that I know about. It could ell have been more...

 

But to the whole world including his own opinion of himself, he was a "nice" guy.

 

Give me the pain in the backside self opinionated a-hole. At least they are honest and what you see is what you get.

 

THAT is why I will NEVER date a "nice" guy EVER again. Because you know what? They ain't so nice.

 

 

But not all guys are like this one. They why dating is so hard for me. Ive been told in the past that I was a great guy, a good guy, a 9 out of 10. But then I get judged bc the guy before me was a total jerk with no manners or respect. So, the "nice" guy that you just met doesn't get the time of day.

[katiegrl]

 

So even if a guy pulls that crap, even if he really likes me, I move on and find another guy.

 

Makes sense and very smart.

 

But how would you know whether he really likes you or is playing the game?

 

That's my problem. Especially with the push/pull.... so confusing!

 

I mean first they pull (indicating interest), then they push (indicating DIS-interest). And back and forth it goes.

 

As I said, I have had men do this within the span of one night!

 

I guess it doesn't matter either way since I will be walking anyway, but with that particular strategy, I tend to focus on the "push" part and assume he is NOT interested, and walk.

 

Just as well I suppose since whether it's a game/strategy, he's flat out not interested, or is EU, it's still effed up.

 

Although apparently many women do fall for it, are thrown a bit off balance, their emotions/attraction heightened.. and thus begin to chase.

 

Which I guess is what this is all about (according to PUA), getting a girl to chase so as to prove her worth/interest (qualify her).

 

The problem with that though is that the woman is doing and wanting the same thing from the guy!

 

Needing HIM to show his high interest in HER! Consistently. I know I do. And other women I know do too.

 

So if the guy does really like me, the push/pull strategy just backfired. So stupid.

 

I dunno... it's all one big power struggle and incredibly effed up IMO.

Edited September 29, 2016 by katiegrl