Opium Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by VirginiaBob yea, an ex-fiance of mine would always get cell phone calls from a guy. I'd always see his name on the phone and when he called, she'd wouldn't answer, but later she would sneak into the bathroom to call him back. When I confronted her about who he is, she acted all p1ssed off. After we broke up, surprise surprise, guess who came into the picture. OUCH! Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 If your partner feels the need to hide someone, something, anything from you.....there is nothing good about it unless it is a surprise party, present, etc for you. Brutal honesty is a tough thing to live by but offers the most amount of trust in a relationship. If your g/f is hiding guy friends of her's from you then confront her about ASAP and if she isn't willing to fess up what that is all about then move on. Life is too short to waste time with someone that wants to keep secretes from the person in their live that is supposed to matter most. Link to post Share on other sites
scratch Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by airbus Well, at the age of 21 i've never cheated on anyone! I treat my g/f like a princess and yet I still end up as the only one following the rules (this has happened in every relationship i've been in) Now i'm either unlucky or just plain stupid. Well, if you are aware that the rules are unfair, and agree to play by them anyway, I'm guessing you know where you fall out on that "either or" question. My ex tried to set unfair rules, e.g. "you can't talk to her" or "you can't leave me at parties." However, she could give people "harmless kisses" or meet up with other guys she knew were into her. I didn't stop her from seeing who she wanted, but refused to honor her requests and started kissing and meeting with other women, so she broke up with me. In retrospect, we should have laid out rules like Bob's. Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 I just don't like the idea of "No, you can't hang out with guys" If my BF told me that I would leave him. Not b/c I'm going to cheat, just that there shouldn't be "rules" like that in a relationship. If she's going to cheat, she can do it at church for god sakes! Limitation on a relationship is not healthy, bottom line. So don't tell me who I can and cannot hang out with b/c you have a fear I might cheat or my male friend will make a pass. You can't go through every relationship thinking like this. You won't have any solid ones! Link to post Share on other sites
VirginiaBob Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Limitation on a relationship is not healthy, bottom line. So I assume it is ok for you if he hangs out at strip clubs, hires prostitutes (after all it is not cheating if only for physical reasons), and becomes addicted to drugs. Why should he follow your rules? You can't go through every relationship thinking like this. You won't have any solid ones! I go by these rules and they work for us. Our relationship is very solid. Actually she was happier about these rules than I was since they almost guaranteed we would have a faithfull marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
scratch Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue I just don't like the idea of "No, you can't hang out with guys" If my BF told me that I would leave him. Not b/c I'm going to cheat, just that there shouldn't be "rules" like that in a relationship. If she's going to cheat, she can do it at church for god sakes! Limitation on a relationship is not healthy, bottom line. So don't tell me who I can and cannot hang out with b/c you have a fear I might cheat or my male friend will make a pass. You can't go through every relationship thinking like this. You won't have any solid ones! What if your boyfriend demanded you not have sex with other guys? Why should there be rules like that in a relationship? Wouldn't that be an unhealthy limitation in a relationship? The whole process of setting rules is arbitrary, and should be based on the comfort and needs of the parties involved. Personally, I'd like a relationship with almost no rules or limitations at all, including sexual ones, but am pretty willing to compromise. My only requirement is that the rules must absolutely be equal. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue I just don't like the idea of "No, you can't hang out with guys" If my BF told me that I would leave him. Not b/c I'm going to cheat, just that there shouldn't be "rules" like that in a relationship. If she's going to cheat, she can do it at church for god sakes! Limitation on a relationship is not healthy, bottom line. So don't tell me who I can and cannot hang out with b/c you have a fear I might cheat or my male friend will make a pass. You can't go through every relationship thinking like this. You won't have any solid ones! I agree with the above. If she is going to cheat, she is going to cheat. And you cannot tell anyone what to do. However, there is nothing wrong with walking away from a situation that is not appropriate. On the original post. Dude, YOUR g/f is going on dates with another dude. She's not even trying to cover it with it just being lunch or dinner, or that its a group of friends. If you let this continue, the other dude will be chuckling all the way to her bedroom. Just tell her this is B.S. and if she hopes to be a decent upstanding woman, she'll end it now. But since she's 5 hours away, I wouldn't bother. She will just lie to you. I say she's had her chance and nows the time for you to cut her loose. Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by VirginiaBob So I assume it is ok for you if he hangs out at strip clubs, hires prostitutes (after all it is not cheating if only for physical reasons), and becomes addicted to drugs. Why should he follow your rules? I wouldn't have stupid rules like this...If he wants to go to a strip club....I'll go with him! If he wants to smoke a joint...I'll roll it. I'm not as uptight. I go by these rules and they work for us. Our relationship is very solid. Actually she was happier about these rules than I was since they almost guaranteed we would have a faithfull marriage. Too controlling for me. I don't like rules in relationship, if there has to be rules to have a solid relationship, that's not solid, its outlined. Originally posted by scratch What if your boyfriend demanded you not have sex with other guys? Why should there be rules like that in a relationship? Wouldn't that be an unhealthy limitation in a relationship? I'm in a RELATIONSHIP and i have a BOYFRIEND, why would I be sleeping with anybody else anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Fundamentally, a solution to this is to recognize that it's a numbers game. Why bother going out on a limb to trust someone who is doing something shady (intentionally hanging out with one particular guy a large amount of the time (which is a bad thing all by itself, regardless of what it leads to)) when you can find someone who does not do this? She doesn't see a problem with it, you do. Make her wishes come true and go find a decent girl who doesn't stick her hand in the lion's mouth. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 I'm not saying I want to be a dictator in my relationship and say what, when, where and how. That is not letting my wife be the women I feel in love with now is it. But there should still be some guidelines for both people that are deal breakers and each of know what those are for us. The original thread was about a g/f who lived 5 hrs away and was going out alone with other men. I don't know if the original poster has trust issues or just unhappy about the fact that another man is getting to spend time with his g/f. In any event the g/f spending time with these men is still a recipe for bad things to happen. All she can do is be honest about it and not hide it and the b/f can either trust her and deal with or decide it is too much for him to handle. Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Bottom line guys, it's not about whether he/she will cheat or I don't trust him/her, it's RESPECT! Out of respect for MY bf I would not go out with a guy alone out to dinner. Now if it was a group of us then I wouldn't make it big deal. However the original post said she was going out alone. In my eyes I'm not saying she's cheating it's just disrespectful for her to do that to him. I don't understand why they would need to be alone when I'm sure they have other friends to not make it seem as her/his intentions are as others may think it is. I don't set rules, it's just the way it suppose to be. I would allow my bf to go out with his friends girls and guys but not alone with a girl, What's the point of that, he has me. Link to post Share on other sites
scratch Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue I wouldn't have stupid rules like this...If he wants to go to a strip club....I'll go with him! If he wants to smoke a joint...I'll roll it. I'm not as uptight. That's cool, if the rules aren't for you, they aren't for you. But that's because of your personal values and attitudes, not because they're stupid. As I said, I prefer open relationships, but don't think that rules against them are stupid, or that all those who don't want them are uptight. Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue Too controlling for me. I don't like rules in relationship, if there has to be rules to have a solid relationship, that's not solid, its outlined. Without rules, there is chaos. We are, I assume, simply arguing over the number and degree of rules. Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue I'm in a RELATIONSHIP and i have a BOYFRIEND, why would I be sleeping with anybody else anyway? You may have the urge at some point, or he may. But, if you feel that being in a relationship necessarily means that you aren't allowed to sleep with other people, it sounds like a rule to me. You really ought to be less uptight. Link to post Share on other sites
airbus Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by scratch Well, if you are aware that the rules are unfair, and agree to play by them anyway, I'm guessing you know where you fall out on that "either or" question. True.. I can't be stupid, afterall I fly planes and we need to be particularly smart for that... yea, an ex-fiance of mine would always get cell phone calls from a guy. I'd always see his name on the phone and when he called, she'd wouldn't answer, but later she would sneak into the bathroom to call him back. When I confronted her about who he is, she acted all p1ssed off. After we broke up, surprise surprise, guess who came into the picture. Ooooh yeah, I can relate to this one alright!!!! My last g/f had texts all the time from other people... Although I never saw who the texts were from, she would sometimes say 'oh its from my friend... i'll be back in a moment' and nip off somewhere to reply! Anyway, she ended up leaving me for another guy. My current g/f, well, she has a guy she goes clubbing with, hes 10yrs older than her and she texts him all the time!!!!! Shes always saying 'oh, im almost out of credit and i've got to text Gary' i've confronted her about that but she insists she doesnt fancy him or anything, but I dont get it, we're in a long distance relationship and she would rather save her credit and text her 'friend' than text her b/f who is 260 miles away. Last week she got really annoyed because he didn't text her good night, and I said 'well, we dont always text eachother good night, and when we do I always initiate it' and she said 'I know' Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by scratch But, if you feel that being in a relationship necessarily means that you aren't allowed to sleep with other people, it sounds like a rule to me. You really ought to be less uptight. Being in a relationship DOESN'T automatically mean you can't sleep with other people? I don't know what kind of relationship you were in where you even had to question the fact of sleeping with other people. Its an unwritten rule that you just don't sleep with others. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue Too controlling for me. I don't like rules in relationship, if there has to be rules to have a solid relationship, that's not solid, its outlined. Originally posted by scratch Without rules, there is chaos. We are, I assume, simply arguing over the number and degree of rules. Yeah, I don't think it's the rules themselves, or lack thereof, that determine whether or not a relationship is solid. In my opinion, a relationship is solid when two people have similar beliefs on what rules should or shouldn't exist. One person's definition of controlling might be another person's definition of loyal. It's all just perspective. The OP and his gf sound like they have dissonant views. (Where is he, btw? He never replied to his own thread...) Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by tanbark813 Yeah, I don't think it's the rules themselves, or lack thereof, that determine whether or not a relationship is solid. In my opinion, a relationship is solid when two people have similar beliefs on what rules should or shouldn't exist. One person's definition of controlling might be another person's definition of loyal. It's all just perspective. The OP and his gf sound like they have dissonant views. (Where is he, btw? He never replied to his own thread...) Agreed. Lets leave it at that...this could go on for a while. Yeah, where did he go? Link to post Share on other sites
lvgrly Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Well considering he was new, probably scared him away... Link to post Share on other sites
scratch Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by airbus True.. I can't be stupid, afterall I fly planes and we need to be particularly smart for that... I hear you. I wonder how many of us have said to ourselves, "I have degree X or job Y. How can it be that I'm not smart about women?" Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue Being in a relationship DOESN'T automatically mean you can't sleep with other people? I don't know what kind of relationship you were in where you even had to question the fact of sleeping with other people. Its an unwritten rule that you just don't sleep with others. An open relationship. Do you find the concept that hard to imagine? I'm not saying that such a relationship is the way to go for everyone, especially those who aren't extremely secure in their feelings for one another, but you had the nerve to criticize those who need more strict boundaries that you do. Boundaries vis a vis the behavoir of your significant other is a very personal thing, and I respect the fact that everyone needs to be comfortable with their own. This is not the place for you to be holier than thou, especially against those who fall both to the right AND the left of you on the rules continuium. What you've said in this thread, effectively, is that your way is right and everyone who deviates from your way in any direction is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
VirginiaBob Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Yeah, I don't think it's the rules themselves, or lack thereof, that determine whether or not a relationship is solid. In my opinion, a relationship is solid when two people have similar beliefs on what rules should or shouldn't exist. One person's definition of controlling might be another person's definition of loyal. It's all just perspective. Exactly, one person might think going to orgy parties and having an open relatinship is ok, while another might not. It's all a matter of degree and circumstance. One relationship have more rules in some situations (dating friends, sex, drugs, etc.) and another may be lax on those rules, but strict on others (church, family, diet, etc.). Link to post Share on other sites
airbus Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Just a question regarding to the open-relationship thing... Whats the actual point in having a b/f or g/f, when the concept of an open-relationship is that you can see other people too? Also, when you do see someone else, do you say 'by the way, I have a b/f/g/f but they are okay with it'? Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by airbus Just a question regarding to the open-relationship thing... Whats the actual point in having a b/f or g/f, when the concept of an open-relationship is that you can see other people too? Also, when you do see someone else, do you say 'by the way, I have a b/f/g/f but they are okay with it'? This should be a new thread, just my opinion, it would be interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
airbus Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 It just came up on here, and I don't agree with them, I just thought i'd ask! If you wish to see it as a new thread then please do post it. Link to post Share on other sites
airbus Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Thanks for explaining that out! I personally don't agree with open-relationships. I devote myself to one person only, but I am grateful for your explanation. Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by airbus Just a question regarding to the open-relationship thing... Whats the actual point in having a b/f or g/f, when the concept of an open-relationship is that you can see other people too? Also, when you do see someone else, do you say 'by the way, I have a b/f/g/f but they are okay with it'? Great question. Ask those whose has this as a "Rule" Link to post Share on other sites
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