My husband went out without his wedding ring

[BluesPower]

Look before I was the POS that I later became, I was like super husband.

 

Let me tell you some things that may help you understand what I am saying.

 

1) A women is never, ever more beautiful that when she is carrying your child, never. I think that any man that does not feel this way is an AH.

 

2) I was with my wife nearly every moment that I was not at work. I used to have to get her shaved ice 3 or 4 times a day, and I never minded for a second. (she was usually pregnant in the summer for some reason)

 

3) Not all couples were this way, but she wanted to have sex 3 or 4 times a day. It nearly killed me, and I was young. It was great though.

 

4) The period that we were having babies were some of the best times we ever had. I will forever remember them fondly.

 

Now I am not saying that every man is like me, but I know that they should not be like your husband.

 

I firmly believe that he is sleeping around on you and you need to confront him if at all possible. Cheating is always wrong, but when your wife is pregnant, I think that is just about as low as you can go.

 

And believe me, I have a general idea of how low a man can go.

 

Good luck...

[MJJean]

FYI - most men don't feel a connection to the baby until it's born. And even then, it often takes a bit of time.

 

I've read that before and would love to know what kind of men are out there, because the ones I know were all very excited and very involved with their wives and gf's pregnancies. Most I know went to every appointment, did things like talk to the baby, make recordings for the baby, rub lotion on the baby belly, run across the room to feel it move, and get very concerned for/protective of the mother.

 

The more I read from Driver, the more I think her H is one of those guys that wanted a wife and family in theory, but has discovered he doesn't want a wife and family in reality.

 

Driver, if your husband is cheating, and signs point in that direction, DO NOT have sex with him. Condoms aren't foolproof and do not protect against diseases spread by skin to skin contact, such as genital warts and genital herpes. Some STD's can cause blindness and even brain damage to a fetus. Don't take chances. You don't know where he's been or what he may have gotten while he was there.

Edited September 18, 2016 by MJJean

[Mr. Lucky]

They are married and no one forces anyone to do anything they don't want to do. If a man asks a woman to marry her the assumption is he wants to. Mature adults don't get "forced" to make life decisions they don't want to make.

.

 

Here's the OP's exact words:

 

"I think he felt more obligated to marry me than wanting to"

 

I'm going to trust her assessment over yours...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gemma1]

I've read that before and would love to know what kind of men are out there, because the ones I know were all very excited and very involved with their wives and gf's pregnancies. Most I know went to every appointment, did things like talk to the baby, make recordings for the baby, rub lotion on the baby belly, run across the room to feel it move, and get very concerned for/protective of the mother.

 

My H did all those things too. He was and still is an extremely involved father. But he still took time to develop a real connection (i.e. "feelings") for the baby. He went to the appointments and helped me with everything because he loved me and was excited for our future together. But most men's' actual LOVE for their child develops after the child is born, and often not immediately. And my H is about as involved as a father can be, he's great.

[Friskyone4u]

I agree. Never knew drinking beer with mates was such a vigorous activity that he has to come home sweaty. Are they drinking out in the woods in summer time or do they have air conditioning where you live.

 

Forgetting the wedding ring once may be a mistake. Multiple times is a bunch of crap, and now he is out all night.

 

There is more going on her I am afriad.

 

Why don't you put your wedding ring beside his and tell him you are going out to the clubs with some girlfriends and see what reaction you get.???

 

And then you better start snooping because there is nothing you have posted here that would give anyone a warm fuzzy feeling about what he is doing.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Here's the OP's exact words:

 

"I think he felt more obligated to marry me than wanting to"

 

I'm going to trust her assessment over yours...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I still don't see the correlation or how you concluded that she "entrapped her husband with a baby" by getting pregnant on their honeymoon?

 

Again: mature adult, freedom to choose.

 

Men are not victims of marriage and babies, they are willing participants.

[understand50]

While I respect your personal philosophy on marriage, for the majority of the rest of the world marriage is not just a "state of mind" otherwise there would be no need to endure all the other symbolic deeds that come along with the decision to marry someone; the ring, the certificate, the wedding, the engagement ring, the celebration day, the yearly anniversary celebration and the certificate of divorce issued when/if that marriage is dissolved.

 

Ask a person who has gone through all this if their bank account agrees that "marriage is a state of mind" I think they would beg to differ.

 

In your case where you can't wear a ring because the metal feels bad against your skin you have decided to not wear it at all.

 

Being selective about when you wear your ring, i.e. conveniently forgetting it at home while you are out on the town while your pregnant wife is at home, is not the same thing.

 

Sunkissedpatio,

 

I think you misunderstood. I do not think, if you are truly committed to being married, and living up to the vows you took, that a ring, or all "paper" that goes along with it, mean that you personally are married. "marriage as a state of mind" for me means that I am married, and as a married man, there are things that are closed to me. Yes, you cannot just decide I am married and make it so, but you must first take the step in your mind, that "I am committed and will not cheat." You can have all the trapping of marriage, and not be committed, and your marriage will fail. We give rings, get a license, have a wedding, all this to show we are committed. You must decide in you mind that you are married, as all above are meaningless.

 

Acting as a single man is not OK, as you do not have the minds set of being married. In fact, I would put out there, that having the mind set of "being married" is more important then anything else. The physical things, the trapping of a marriage, are meaningless, unless you back them up with the discipline to remain married, and this all starts in your mind. A ring is not a magical thing, that allows you to be single if you remove it.

 

In the case of mendews, her husband is taking off his ring so he can play at being single. Taking it off does not give him permission, or change that he is married, this is a big red flag, and she should ask questions, and have a discussion of the whole meaning of what is marriage, and what it entails.

 

My two cents, and I wish her luck.

[Sunkissedpatio]

understand50, I understood your point perfectly. You are saying that in your case taking the ring off doesn't matter because to you marriage is state of mind. Your point was that beyond all the symbolic gestures of marriage, being married without the mindset of commitment, is pointless.

 

So to counter that I was saying that often I have heard men say "marriage is just a piece of paper" "wearing a ring is just a formality" and if that were true and enough, then there would be absolutely no point or need to get married.

 

Wearing a wedding bad is just as important as having the mindset of commitment. They go together when you decide to get married.

Edited September 18, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Deidre]

The ring alone isn't the issue, but coupled with how long it took for him to propose, and you feel that he was obligated/reluctant...that all doesn't help. I'd just ask him about the ring, and if there's anything going on. If he is evasive, then you'l have a better idea of what to do next. If it happens a third time, I'd think he's cheating...although, they say men who wear wedding rings get hit on by women more than men who aren't wearing them. lol I can't imagine wanting a married guy, but ...guess some women do.

[S2B]

I'd be more concerned about him consistently going out to bars and thinking when he shows up the next morning is ok.

 

I wouldn't be ok with that.

 

And you don't know for sure he stays at his friend's place when he comes home the next day.

 

He's acting single. That would be a problem I wouldn't overlook.

[ShatteredLady]

I just wanted to ask.... Where does this information about fathers not having real 'feelings', not loving their babies until after they're born comes from? Have there been studies? I know men's brains hear baby cries differently than women but I've never heard that one.

 

I asked my H without explaining the conversation. He theorized that that idea comes from before you had modern technology to see your baby or less open touching etc....but then he said no! He felt very much a loving father before they were born.

 

I knew he would say the last bit!

 

Our first born had problems around 24 weeks. It went on for so long! I knew I was in trouble, felt like I was getting a really bad period. From that point on it was 3 days + of 'magnesium flush' OMG that's awful!! Weeks, days in hospital. Lectures on how to care for a premature baby (when I hadn't slept for days & was pumped full of drugs & so focused on not loosing my baby that I couldn't hear a word they said!) it was a nightmare....AND I could just see that my husband was right there with me!! I had/have zero doubt that he felt all of the emotions that I did.

 

When my daughter was born there was silence. It lasted long enough for the alarm to be hit. It lasted long enough for the hospital to go into 'practiced procedure mode'....all the staff backed to the walls as others rushed in with all kinds of carts & equipment....Then she cried!

 

That all lasted probably seconds but it felt like a lifetime & my husbands eyes were fixed on mine the whole time. I don't believe that most fathers don't have feelings.

 

I'm sorry, I don't think the ring is anything 'innocent'.

 

I asked my H if he was interested or seeing another woman & I believe that he deserves an Oscar for his performance! Hook-Line-Sinker!! I actually believed him when my gut was screaming at me. Dumb, dumb, dumb!!!!!

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

I asked my H if he was interested or seeing another woman & I believe that he deserves an Oscar for his performance! Hook-Line-Sinker! I actually believed him when my gut was screaming at me. Dumb, dumb, dumb !!!!!

 

Don't we all Shattered!

[Mr. Lucky]

I still don't see the correlation or how you concluded that she "entrapped her husband with a baby" by getting pregnant on their honeymoon?

 

Again: mature adult, freedom to choose.

 

Men are not victims of marriage and babies, they are willing participants.

 

Your focus on his role in this ignores the question I was asking her - with her misgivings about the relationship, why would she want to immediately get pregnant? Seems rushed...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bathtub-row]

He wasn't reluctant to have unprotected sex. We both agreed to have my IUD/coil removed before the wedding. I didn't get pregnant to try and trap him... He just married me, I already had/have him. Trapping doesn't get one anywhere but single down the road. Not all women trap men...

 

It's 6AM and he still hasn't come home. He texted and said he was staying at a mates flat because he was tired. I don't know though...

 

This is 100% unacceptable! He's not a college kid out with his buddies and having sleep-overs. He's a married man who should come home to you every night. You should never, ever accept this kind of behavior. I personally think he has been cheating on you. If I were you, I'd tell him to leave until he can act like a husband who can be trusted. The more you tolerate this kind of behavior, the worse it will get. It's up to you to draw the line on how much you'll allow him to disrespect you.

[bathtub-row]

Wait -- he's English and you moved thousands of miles away from home to be with him? Dear lord. Sorry, I know not all Englishmen are bad but I was married to one and I also knew his friends. They were a very superior acting bunch and didn't really think twice about cheating. They thought it was their god-given right; or just something that guys do. As far as marriage, my relationship with him fell apart as soon as we were married. He thought he owned me and thought he could do as he pleased. Again, not saying they're all like that but your husband sounds a lot like my ex.

 

Also, there are a lot of situations where the woman moves away to be with a guy only to find that he has created a situation where he can truly abuse her. She is isolated and very dependent on him. If he's not a good guy, he'll exploit that situation.

[GunslingerRoland]

 

 

He wasn't overjoyed like I was, just neutral. He said he was relieved when we "lost" the baby because he realized he wanted to wait longer to have kids and maybe didn't even want them at all. He won't participate at all, won't help assemble furniture or talk names, won't feel my belly when she kicks.

 

So no, he's not excited at all. Not anymore. Everyone keeps saying it will change when she is born...

 

 

 

There is something very wrong with this situation... was he really on board with having kids when you had your IUD removed? Because it sure doesn't sound like he wants this kid. Same as it doesn't sound like he wants the marriage. That is the problem with giving ultimatums, "best" case scenario is you drag an unwilling person into a life they are actively trying to avoid.

 

 

Well, now you have to figure out how you're going to handle this. I don't agree with this whole play dumb until there is evidence line of thinking. What does evidence do.. you know he's cheating (and despite your protests to the contrary probably has been for a long time).

 

 

You need to point out to him that he's married you and willingly got you pregnant and he has to live with the life he's chosen for himself.

[BettyDraper]

There is something very wrong with this situation... was he really on board with having kids when you had your IUD removed? Because it sure doesn't sound like he wants this kid. Same as it doesn't sound like he wants the marriage. That is the problem with giving ultimatums, "best" case scenario is you drag an unwilling person into a life they are actively trying to avoid.

 

 

Well, now you have to figure out how you're going to handle this. I don't agree with this whole play dumb until there is evidence line of thinking. What does evidence do.. you know he's cheating (and despite your protests to the contrary probably has been for a long time).

 

 

You need to point out to him that he's married you and willingly got you pregnant and he has to live with the life he's chosen for himself.

 

The OP shouldn't have to tell her husband this. He should man up and take responsibility but sadly he is not a mature individual.

 

Evidence makes it impossible for the cheater to continue living a double life. It's much harder to lie when there are indicators of cheating collected.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Your focus on his role in this ignores the question I was asking her - with her misgivings about the relationship, why would she want to immediately get pregnant? Seems rushed...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That isn't how you asked it initially there was a lot left to the interpretation and that is what I did; interpret it my way. In fact it seemed like you already had the answer.

 

Thanks for clarifying what you meant.

 

That's a good question.

Edited September 23, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[adna89]

I think you need to ask him,the ring does not need to be a proof for anything,if he wanted to hide it ,i think he would take the ring off and put it in his wallet or car.But you seem to have weird communication

[mendews]

In November my husband admitted to me that he cheated on me with 4 women, while I was pregnant... He said they were one night stands, he only saw each woman once and never again. A couple of his friends knew about it and confirmed when I asked them. He said he was stressed, didn't want a baby, had regrets and needed time to man up. He said he was done and that he wouldn't do it again. Our daughter was born a week later. After she was born he wouldn't help at all. I've chosen to breastfeed her, which isn't common here, and he judges it. Even in front of the midwife he was judging it. His family judges it too. In the beginning he wouldn't help at all with diapers/nappies, wouldn't hold her, wouldn't help at night. It got a bit better around Christmas, he said he just needed time to bond... and it has slowly been getting better.

 

Last Friday he went out and he didn't come home. He said he fell asleep at his mate's flat because he needed a night away, he had his friend confirm (or back up). He swears he didn't cheat but I can't believe it... Do I trust him or end the marriage with no proof that he did anything wrong (this time)?

 

We haven't even been married a year... together for 7 years but only married 11 months. I moved to the UK for him, leaving behind my family and friends. The novelty of a new country has worn off and now I just hate this place. He makes me hate it.

[oldshirt]

In November my husband admitted to me that he cheated on me with 4 women, while I was pregnant... He said they were one night stands, he only saw each woman once and never again. A couple of his friends knew about it and confirmed when I asked them. He said he was stressed, didn't want a baby, had regrets and needed time to man up. He said he was done and that he wouldn't do it again. Our daughter was born a week later. After she was born he wouldn't help at all. I've chosen to breastfeed her, which isn't common here, and he judges it. Even in front of the midwife he was judging it. His family judges it too. In the beginning he wouldn't help at all with diapers/nappies, wouldn't hold her, wouldn't help at night. It got a bit better around Christmas, he said he just needed time to bond... and it has slowly been getting better.

 

Last Friday he went out and he didn't come home. He said he fell asleep at his mate's flat because he needed a night away, he had his friend confirm (or back up). He swears he didn't cheat but I can't believe it... Do I trust him or end the marriage with no proof that he did anything wrong (this time)?

 

We haven't even been married a year... together for 7 years but only married 11 months. I moved to the UK for him, leaving behind my family and friends. The novelty of a new country has worn off and now I just hate this place. He makes me hate it.

 

He isn't husband and father material.

 

You are basically raising this baby alone now in a foreign land.

 

He is a lier and a cheat and a big child with Johnson he can't keep in his pants.

 

Do you have supportive family back home that would be more help and support than he?

 

He will probably happily relinquish his parental rights if you were to move back home and you and the baby would probably be better off to do so.

[S2B]

ANY husband who goes out and doesn't come home has got to realize they aren't acting as if they are committed to a marriage.

 

He already cheated 4 times.

 

Cut your losses and move forward.

 

He's a man child. You don't need another child to raise. You can't MAKE him grow up!

[Rubix Cubed]

Divorce and move back home, you may even be able to have the marriage annulled. This will just get worse with time.

[EZNona]

Last Friday he went out and he didn't come home. He said he fell asleep at his mate's flat because he needed a night away, he had his friend confirm (or back up). He swears he didn't cheat but I can't believe it... Do I trust him or end the marriage with no proof that he did anything wrong (this time)?

 

 

The 4 times he cheated that you know about or more than enough proof for leaving this marriage. He doesn't want to be a husband and he doesn't want to be a father.

 

I hope you find the strength walk away. If you have strong family ties, you can move back home and raise your baby with their help.

 

Staying with him is not the only solution. Ask for help from your family. Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

In November my husband admitted to me that he cheated on me with 4 women, while I was pregnant... He said they were one night stands, he only saw each woman once and never again.

 

Given that a cheating spouse usually trickles out the truth as circumstances dictate, you have to realize 4 women could be 8...or 10...or more.

 

And since it's his job after D-Day to regain your trust, staying out all night simply reinforces his disconnect from the role of husband and father.

 

mendews, you have to do what's best for you and your child. If that means moving back to a place where you have more support, I wouldn't hesitate. He's indicated his priorities, time for you to act on yours...

 

Mr. Lucky