Wife of 9 years Cheated for last three years

[aus_avi2000]

Maybe I am bit naïve but I just cant comprehend how a person can have an EA and go through the rollercoaster of emotions with the lover and yet at home hide the emotions so well. She was absolutely normal and lovey dovey with me all these years and now claims that she never stopped loving me???

Unbelievable really. I would be caught within a week at most.

[Friskyone4u]

You are being more than a bit naive. Does not matter that it is baffling to you. She banged another man for three years. That is a fact and it really does not matter that you could not do what she did.

 

Women who cheat fall into two categories.

 

COMPARTMENTALIZERS - which your wife is have the capacity to lead the double life and have convinced themselves that what they are doing is OK as long as the act loving towards you. Sex can actually be great because they feel that is making you happy and proves she can handle the double life. These type are much harder to catch

 

NON COMPARTMENTALIZERS- have strong feelings of guilt at what they are doing and therefore have to demonize their husbands and find reasons to be angry at their husbands, not attracted to their husbands, etc in order to justify in their minds what they are doing.

 

Don't be surprised if your wife at some point asks for an open or polyamorous marriage since she claims she loves you dearly but if really having fun banging her boyfriend. They discover non monogamy in order to keep the fun going.

 

With her work and travelling, your only recourse if you want to protect yourself is a polygraph, regardless of how you feel about it. Just the suggestion will tell you what is in her head.

[Buckeye2]

She still praises him for his intelligence and support as a friend but is saying that she wants to forget all he past three years and focus on her thriving career as she is also doing well in her career.

 

They had discussed in details that they would leave their respective partners and would live together. Not so easy as families are involved and she cant fathom telling her son.

 

She had a division of labor going on. Your value to her is as a father for her son. You're a nice guy and she picked you because you were perfect for the job as you are still proving by your actions. You even adopted her kid.

 

 

The OM was her mentor and she loved having sex with him. If the OM asked her to marry him the only thing that would give her pause is her son.

[Buckeye2]

 

Women who cheat fall into two categories.

 

COMPARTMENTALIZERS - which your wife is have the capacity to lead the double life and have convinced themselves that what they are doing is OK as long as the act loving towards you. Sex can actually be great because they feel that is making you happy and proves she can handle the double life. These type are much harder to catch

 

NON COMPARTMENTALIZERS- have strong feelings of guilt at what they are doing and therefore have to demonize their husbands and find reasons to be angry at their husbands, not attracted to their husbands, etc in order to justify in their minds what they are doing.

 

There is a rare third category.

 

They just have no guilt at all for what they are doing. You had no idea that the affair was going on. She was and is probably nicer to you than she otherwise would be to compensate you. Both for taking care of her son and her affair.

 

She treats you great and you were never supposed to find out about the affair so there was no problem and no guilt. Why should there be? Both you and her son were happy. Now she will sex you up and tell you what you want to hear to keep a home and family life for her son. Don't be surprised if she divorces you when he's 18.

Edited September 22, 2016 by Buckeye2

[Cephalopod]

Maybe I am bit naïve but I just cant comprehend how a person can have an EA and go through the rollercoaster of emotions with the lover and yet at home hide the emotions so well. She was absolutely normal and lovey dovey with me all these years and now claims that she never stopped loving me???

Unbelievable really. I would be caught within a week at most.

 

Like Frisky said, she is a compartmentalizer. This mindset is hard for most people to understand.

 

Police, soldiers, doctors and people with high stress jobs learn how to compartmentalize...to separate their jobs from their lives...as away to stay mentally healthier. Cheaters do this also. She partitions off her mind and emotions, because if she did not it would destroy her or turn her into a fire breathing, unremorseful cheater from hell.

[flowergirl14]

Maybe I am bit naïve but I just cant comprehend how a person can have an EA and go through the rollercoaster of emotions with the lover and yet at home hide the emotions so well. She was absolutely normal and lovey dovey with me all these years and now claims that she never stopped loving me???

Unbelievable really. I would be caught within a week at most.

 

Normal people couldn't..wouldn't. Cheaters do. It seems that fundamentally they don't share the same values, ethics as the non betrayer. That is something to really think about. 3 years or more of deception. My h has cheated on me multiple times. Yet, I havent cheated. Its not who I am or want to be. Period.

[aus_avi2000]

Can you please describe how the affair sex is different from normal sex between husband wife or even boyfriend and girlfriend. I imagine it to be intense and wild even if short lived.

 

 

I never had such an experience but I believe it is this element that would have kept my partner to keep falling back in the trap. Potentially it is this same element that can destroy the reconciliation at some stage as well.

 

 

We always had a very involved, emotional, sensual and even wild at times physical relationship. I fail to understand how this still left room for more ....

 

 

During the questioning she tried best to dodge and give vague description of the experience and that the whole relationship for her was just for emotional and his intelligent persona.

[CupCakess]

Can you please describe how the affair sex is different from normal sex between husband wife or even boyfriend and girlfriend. I imagine it to be intense and wild even if short lived.

 

I never had such an experience but I believe it is this element that would have kept my partner to keep falling back in the trap. Potentially it is this same element that can destroy the reconciliation at some stage as well.

 

We always had a very involved, emotional, sensual and even wild at times physical relationship. I fail to understand how this still left room for more ....

 

During the questioning she tried best to dodge and give vague description of the experience and that the whole relationship for her was just for emotional and his intelligent persona.

 

Cheating sex in general is usually very good. But not because of the "other man/woman" being a good lover or anything. Its because the whole setting of forbidden fruit (which isn't really love) is just exciting.

 

The added component is that both of them like to lie to themselves that they are in love with each other, thus making them think it is actually more special. They like to see themselves as "destined souls", which they are not. Remember that people create their own little realities within their relationships, to make themselves believe what they want to believe. Think of yourself, you wanted to think she can be trust her, but is this the reality or just something you wish to believe?

 

An affair is like a relationship among young people: no problems, no arguments, no responsabilities to each other, no worrying about money - without all those things, all that is left is just *fun*.

 

I once hooked up with an ex-girlfriend, while both of us were in relationships with other people. The sex was...amazing...much better than when we used to date. She even told me she really enjoyed it much more than when we used to date and have sex regularly. The reason? because it was very passionate and secretive. It was exciting. I'll be honest, for the 2 years we dated, sex was not bad but mostly average. How can one drunken hook up just be soooooo good? Because we were cheating, and had this whole fantasy setting that made it better.

 

I know this is sort of hard to hear, but I mention it because you are probably suffering from the paranoia most men go through: is the other man a better lover than me? does she enjoy it more?

 

The answer is that she probably did enjoy the act, but not because of him. It has nothing to do with the other man's skills in bed.

 

If they actually had a normal relationship, they would probably end up cheating on each other and divorcing. Thats the reality.

Edited September 23, 2016 by CupCakess

[Buckeye2]

The above is spot on. Having sex in your bed was huge "forbidden fruit" and a huge turn on. What can you do to compete with that?

 

 

Plus by definition you and your AP are being bad by having an affair. So you can be extra wild. You can’t tell your AP that you’re not that kind of girl because you're currently being that kind of girl.

 

You don’t go to church or a PTA meeting with your AP. You don’t look across the dinner table at them. People do things with their AP that they refuse to do with their spouse. It’s kind of like the expression “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.“

 

Do a search for a 20 minute video TED TALK by Helen Fisher: Why we cheat why we love. Romantic infatuation only last two or three years with anyone no matter how perfect. A new person restarts the clock.

Edited September 23, 2016 by Buckeye2

[road]

Can you please describe how the affair sex is different from normal sex between husband wife or even boyfriend and girlfriend. I imagine it to be intense and wild even if short lived.

 

 

During the questioning she tried best to dodge and give vague description of the experience and that the whole relationship for her was just for emotional and his intelligent persona.

 

 

Simple:

 

 

Affair sex for a WW has been bad.

 

 

Affair sex for a WW has been good.

 

 

Affair sex for a WW has been the best sex she ever has had.

 

 

More detail:

 

 

Affair sex was bad why did WW keep going back? Because OM was meeting emotional needs that WW wanted met so she keep putting out to keep those emotional needs met.

 

 

Affair sex was good. It was, but many WW say not better but different. Just that OM did things different that were good, just as what the BH did was good. Just two different men with different but good games.

 

 

Affair sex was the best WW had. Hey, its life not everyone can be the Sultan of Swat. Though after a long time some WW realized looking back it was the high from the rush of being naughty, getting away with being bad made them think the sex was much better then it was.

 

 

Post D day can the BH elevate his game?

 

 

Yes he can.

 

 

Can the BH elevate his equipment?

 

 

Well he can increase his appeal by hitting the gym losing weight and finding muscle.

 

 

Length and girth?

 

 

No.

[Cephalopod]

Can you please describe how the affair sex is different from normal sex between husband wife or even boyfriend and girlfriend. I imagine it to be intense and wild even if short lived.

 

 

I never had such an experience but I believe it is this element that would have kept my partner to keep falling back in the trap. Potentially it is this same element that can destroy the reconciliation at some stage as well.

 

 

We always had a very involved, emotional, sensual and even wild at times physical relationship. I fail to understand how this still left room for more ....

 

 

During the questioning she tried best to dodge and give vague description of the experience and that the whole relationship for her was just for emotional and his intelligent persona.

 

Remember the first time you ever had sex? It was exciting, scary, exhilarating and shameful all at the same time? Well that is what affair sex is. The risk of it makes it more exciting, but not always "better". It depends on what your wife thinks "great sex" is. She may have a very different idea than you do. You may really like passionate, intimate sex, and she may dig energetic, frenetic sex. But there is nothing you can do about that. Nor should you feel compelled to change anything you do.

 

Here is the thing mate, don't start letting yourself wonder if the other guy was better in bed than you. That is just crazy making. Your WW was trading him sex for ego gratification and kibbles. The sex was the currency for his attention.

 

I know the mind movies are awful, but do not under any circumstance let yourself believe that this guy has anything on you. He doesn't. You are fifty times the man he is and you always will be...because you have integrity. You are a big wedge-tailed eagle, soaring high, and he's a wombat scavenging on the ground for scraps.

 

The measure of a man is not his penis size.

Edited September 23, 2016 by Cephalopod

[aus_avi2000]

You know friends What hurts the most? It is loosing that loving feeling towards her and loosing that blind trust towards her. That was love for me...My soulmate and more...Sad it wont be the same ever....No matter how hard she tries....Something inside me is just dead...We were madly in love when we had met and it stayed that way even after the marriage and she played her part so well even through these three years...Even now she is just the same just more dedicated to make up to me and to save the marriage...But inside I know I just cant be same with her for I don't trust her and the scars are too deep and fresh

[Clay]

You know friends What hurts the most? It is loosing that loving feeling towards her and loosing that blind trust towards her. That was love for me...My soulmate and more...Sad it wont be the same ever....No matter how hard she tries....Something inside me is just dead...We were madly in love when we had met and it stayed that way even after the marriage and she played her part so well even through these three years...Even now she is just the same just more dedicated to make up to me and to save the marriage...But inside I know I just cant be same with her for I don't trust her and the scars are too deep and fresh

 

sadly everything you said is the truth for most of us. I sure wished we could just turn back time but you cant undo the past. Just focus on taking care of you. Its all you can do now.

[doyathinkso]

No matter how hard she tries, or acts like she's trying, you will never get back what you once had.

 

That being said, do you think that you will be able to get to the point where you can make do with the damaged goods?

 

Shyt is not a very tasty sandwich spread, is it?

[CupCakess]

You know friends What hurts the most? It is loosing that loving feeling towards her and loosing that blind trust towards her. That was love for me...My soulmate and more...Sad it wont be the same ever....No matter how hard she tries....Something inside me is just dead...We were madly in love when we had met and it stayed that way even after the marriage and she played her part so well even through these three years...Even now she is just the same just more dedicated to make up to me and to save the marriage...But inside I know I just cant be same with her for I don't trust her and the scars are too deep and fresh

 

We understand.

 

But you need to understand something. Its not out of malice that people do this. People are just dumb and selfish. It is a simple fact of life. It will never be the same, but is that a bad thing?

 

That being said, what she did was selfish, and you shouldn't be with her unless you re prepared to forgive her.

 

Right now it is imposible for you to see, as it is expected, but with time you will realise things can always take a turn for the best.

 

You also need to realise that, after the affair is discovered she is now fighting to maintain the status quo, but what will happen if she has a new affair in the future, but this time leaves you for good? Do you want that?

 

If I were you, I would leave. Give yourself some self-respect, and she will actually respect you. Make her realise what she lost.

 

You know what will actually give you relief? dumping her and dating someone new, younger, and hotter. And letting her pick up the pieces of the mess she made, and realise what she lost.

 

Her other guy? just some married guy looking for easy sex (married cheaters are the easiest conquests out there), that doesn't really care about her.

 

I must say. In a while you re probably going to feel silly for forgiving her after her betrayal. You are not. It is the common go to response of betrayed people, because one is usually more than up to forgive at first. But in a few months, reason is going to start sinking in, and you will realise how naive you were by forgiving her. The good thing about this forum is thta people can help you realise that sooner, so you don't make the mistake of granting her an easy pardon.

 

You wanna be with her? Leave her, and make her fight for you. If she is not willing to do that, then she is worthless. And if thats the case, you would have already started the process of moving on.

[Buckeye2]

 

If I were you, I would leave. Give yourself some self-respect, and she will actually respect you. Make her realise what she lost.

 

And letting her pick up the pieces of the mess she made, and realise what she lost.

 

 

You wanna be with her? Leave her, and make her fight for you. If she is not willing to do that, then she is worthless. And if thats the case, you would have already started the process of moving on.

 

Divorce was never on the table. R was offered without any work on her part,

 

 

If a problem is immediately fixed then it must not have been much of a problem. The magnitude of the problem never has a chance to sink in.

 

 

Your doctor tells you: "You have cancer but I happen to have the cure in my pocket." Now how upset are you that you have cancer?

[BTDT2012]

Divorce was never on the table. R was offered without any work on her part,

 

 

If a problem is immediately fixed then it must not have been much of a problem. The magnitude of the problem never has a chance to sink in.

 

 

Your doctor tells you: "You have cancer but I happen to have the cure in my pocket." Now how upset are you that you have cancer?

I never thought of it this way. On reflection, this is exactly the mistake I made initially with my cheating husband.

[CupCakess]

Divorce was never on the table. R was offered without any work on her part,

 

 

If a problem is immediately fixed then it must not have been much of a problem. The magnitude of the problem never has a chance to sink in.

 

 

Your doctor tells you: "You have cancer but I happen to have the cure in my pocket." Now how upset are you that you have cancer?

 

Yes. And unfortuntly that is the case for most people. Everyone wishes, at first, to keep the status quo.

 

Blinded by love, pardons are given without thinking. But a few weeks/months into the whole ordeal its a different story. Once reason kicks in, doubt arises, and people start looking for help.

 

The reality is that when you get cheated on, the best course of action is to leave the marriage, maybe not divorce (although consulting a lawyer is always a must), but at least separation.

 

Also letting every adult in your family know why you are leaving, and by this I mean your in-laws. Tell his/her parents that you still consider them family, but that you are leaving the marriage because you were cheated on. This is so you don't give the cheater time of creating lies, and making you look like some person that "just gave up". Let everyone in your family know you were the one who got betrayed.

[BuddyX]

You know friends What hurts the most? It is loosing that loving feeling towards her and loosing that blind trust towards her. That was love for me...My soulmate and more...Sad it wont be the same ever....No matter how hard she tries....Something inside me is just dead...We were madly in love when we had met and it stayed that way even after the marriage and she played her part so well even through these three years...Even now she is just the same just more dedicated to make up to me and to save the marriage...But inside I know I just cant be same with her for I don't trust her and the scars are too deep and fresh

 

Yup. It blows. And I'll add another LS member who left a quote that hits the nail on the head.

 

"I could never cheat on anyone. Knowing that you destroyed someone's trust is bad, but destroying their perspective on love is far too worse."

 

Unfortunately, from this point on, every potential partner will be "guilty" unless proven otherwise. They will have to prove to you they can stay faithful. And that my friends, is what cheating will do to you. Cheaters will never understand the impact of an affair.

[harrybrown]

has she written the timeline of her A?

 

std testing?

 

She still respects the OM. She does not respect you.

 

Talk to your attorney today.

[Cephalopod]

You know friends What hurts the most? It is loosing that loving feeling towards her and loosing that blind trust towards her. That was love for me...My soulmate and more...Sad it wont be the same ever....No matter how hard she tries....Something inside me is just dead...We were madly in love when we had met and it stayed that way even after the marriage and she played her part so well even through these three years...Even now she is just the same just more dedicated to make up to me and to save the marriage...But inside I know I just cant be same with her for I don't trust her and the scars are too deep and fresh

 

There is nothing wrong with adultery being a deal breaker. Nothing at all. It is no bad reflection on you that you are not willing to swallow it.

 

This woman stole three years from your life. Three years...where you could have moved on, gone back to school, taken a different job, moved on in a new direction in your life. She lied to you and defrauded you out of all that time; time that you will never get back.

 

Nothing wrong with telling her it was a deal breaker.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Aus, I am really sorry for the unenviable position you find yourself in. This is going to drain you of all your energy, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. You queried about what was different about affair sex as compared to marital sex. I guess Cephalopod has answered that succinctly. I remember reading somewhere in a book written by Isadora Duncan, where someone said " You can have sex with some one you don't love; you can love some one and have sex with some one else, but the best sex you can have is with some one you love." I guess that answers your question to some extent. If your wife really loved you through her affair then sex with you would surpass any sex she had with her OM. However the moot question is whether she actually loved you at that time or whether she loves you now. That is a question that only she can answer.

 

A lot of good advice has been given to you but the choice to take action on what you know now is up to you. I said in a previous post that you have to make a choice but you will have to live with the consequences of that choice, good or bad. There was another thing about your question. You asked how your wife could be loving and lustful with you you all the while have unbridled sex with her AP. Well a lot of good answers have been given to you about that but there is one more I can put forward. She may be a consummate actor able to pull off the whole loving wife routine without blinking her eyes. In fact that is what she is doing right now. The other thing that clearly comes out from what you have written is that she is not remorseful in the least. Sorry yes, but that is because her comfortable, stable world is about to come crashing down around her. It is not because she is in the least remorseful otherwise she would be an open book for you. She is not giving you any specific details and all she wants you to do is sweep it under the carpet and go back to the comfortable false life you were leading again.

 

If you reflect on the terrible disrespect that she dished out to you by bringing her AP into your home and into your marital bed to do her dirty deed then you will realize that she is not worth the toilet paper you use after a c..p. The fact is she did this for three long years and would have continued to do it if the AP's wife had not discovered the affair. So the fact is that if you can suck this up and go on with life as usual then coming to a forum like this will be of no use to you because you are not going to hear what you want to hear in this place. Read the story of Jeff1690 in the Separation and Divorce forum. It will give you the perspective you need, to come to a decision about your own case. Warm wishes.

[road]

Aus, any update?

[Marc878]

You know friends What hurts the most? It is loosing that loving feeling towards her and loosing that blind trust towards her. That was love for me...My soulmate and more...Sad it wont be the same ever....No matter how hard she tries....Something inside me is just dead...We were madly in love when we had met and it stayed that way even after the marriage and she played her part so well even through these three years...Even now she is just the same just more dedicated to make up to me and to save the marriage...But inside I know I just cant be same with her for I don't trust her and the scars are too deep and fresh

 

She is excellent at deception. But her actions show you who she really is. If you're smart you'll believe her actions. Her words hold little meaning and probably always will.

[drifter777]

Aus - I cannot believe you are staying with this woman after what she has done. The years of deceit and the pure distain she showed for you & your marriage by bringing their sex-fest into the bed you sleep in would crush nearly every man. How do you do it? Do you just force yourself to pretend it never happened? Like it was a nightmare but now you've woken up? Do you have any self-respect or have you just given up?

 

Is she still seeing OM at work? Does she still speak of the admiration she has for him?