I am..

[winnie_05]

Hiya jadeblossom,

 

My current boyfriend had known me for a few years, he had asked me out a few times over the years but i was never interested in him as a boyfriend; so yes he did know about Pete.

 

Just before I started going out with my current boyfriend we used to see each other a bit at college, still I wasn't interested, but all my friends used to say its so obvious he likes you. Anyway to cut a long story short I bumped into him outside of college one evening and we were chatting and for the first time I saw him in a different light and I liked him. I plucked up the courage to tell him not knowing he had just started going out with his girlfriend. He was over the moon and said he would finish with her. I said no, because I don't want a relationship as I wasn't over Pete. I didnt speak to him for a couple of days. Next time i spoke to him he told me he had finished with her, i felt really guilty, he told me not to be because he only went out with her to take his mind off me.

 

Anyway, we ended up going out for the day but deep down I wasn't interested because I still wanted Pete, so after a couple of days I finished with him. I really hurt him, but I just couldn't stop thinking of Pete. I was also frightened of getting hurt again, but he was lovely and promised he'd never hurt me, but still I didn't want to be with him. We never spoke for a few days, and he begged me to give it a go, so I did. We're still together 3 1/2 years later. We're soul mates.

 

Its a different relationship completely I can't compare it at all because they are different ages and he wasn't married, but it is better because he can devote his time to me and not his wife.

 

At the end of the day no matter what married men promise you they only go back to one person at the end of the day. Alot are full of empty promises, i know because I have been there just like you. You deserve better, someone who will devote their time to you and no one else, you will find this, look to the future. If you want to e-mail me feel free because I Know you need someone to talk to in these situtaions.

 

 

Winnie

[jadeblossom]

Hi Winnie, I did try to PM you on this website but somehow it didn't work...

[winnie_05]

Hi jadeblossom

 

Just wondering how your doing with things?

 

Is is getting any easier? don't give up.

 

Winnie

[jadeblossom]

Hi Winnie,

 

Just saw your message.. thanks for caring. It made me cry a bit.

 

He left for work overseas for a week. He said it was a good time to clear his mind and have time to himself without his family beside him to really think about what he wanted and be honest with himself. I told him not to ever call me unless he could offer me what a single guy could offer me: love me openly, commit to me etc. I told him I deserve nothing less than that.

 

He didn't listen. He kept calling me, He called even last night to tell me all about his day and what he did. He said he had been waiting the whole day to call me. I yelled at him and told him "I am not your wife! You have no right to call me and tell me about your day because I don't want to listen anymore! I told you to call me if and only if you can offer me what I deserve! If you can't do that, then you have no right to call me!" And then I hung up. He called again but I didn't answer.

 

Did I do the right thing?

 

I keep thinking of what you said: At the end of the day no matter what married men promise you they only go back to one person at the end of the day. Alot are full of empty promises, i know because I have been there just like you. You deserve better, someone who will devote their time to you and no one else, you will find this, look to the future.

 

I keep holding on to your words and reminding myself that you are right and I have to be strong.

 

I feel so alone. And scared. I feel like I've lost my best friend and I have no one to turn to. I have exams coming in a week and I don't know how I will cope. I really feel as though I've lost my best friend, the one I was closest to and I feel so isolated from everyone. As I type this at my desk, I'm crying and hoping no one sees. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to pick myself up. I feel sad all the time and I feel so alone even when I'm in a group of friends. I've tried new things, met new people, I've tried everything. But nothing seems to work. I've applied for new jobs, but have not got replies.

 

How are you doing?

[winnie_05]

I really feel for you, i know exactly what your going through but be strong just as your doing even though its hard; otherwise keep giving in to him and this situtation will carry on and your the one whos going to keep being hurt over and over again.

 

People used to say to me about Pete, if he is married and he can cheat on his wife and leaves her to be with you whats to say he won't cheat on you. If he was to leave his wife for you, could you trust him knowing he is capable of cheating?

 

As for the phone call I think you were right to ignore him when he phoned back, because you had already told him your feelings and he wasn't listening knowing it was hurting you.

 

Winnie

[jadeblossom]

Yes, and I don't want that to happen again. Sorry I always sound so depressed and miserable all the time. I know that my problems are really small compared to others' problems. It's just a continuous struggle and sometimes I feel so depressed and unable to go on with life. I went over to this website with the Charles Kuralt article, http://www.gloryb.com. All those stories by the OW... all of them sound the same, like a broken record... after reading almost half of them, I felt sickened... we've all got the same stories.

 

Winnie, I really admire how you've managed to pull yourself up and be the strong person you are. It's been 6 depressing months for me, and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

About the cheating thing... I don't know... people have told me the same thing before.. maybe my MM and I fell in love because something in his marriage was lacking? Not because he had a cheating habit? His wife was his first gf and they got married. But you have a point. I really don't know. Anyway... I know he will never ever leave his W for me. He doesn't have the balls to. He keeps complaining that he doesn't love her anymore and she's horrid to him etc etc but it's always the same tune isn't it? At the end of the day, he will never leave her.

 

I hate him so much. He's a b*stard and a coward and he ruined 6 months (and counting) of my life.

[winnie_05]

Trust me one day you'll be in my position, and most likely helping someone else.

 

You have nothing to apologise for, i've been through exactly the same thing and felt exactly the same. Your problem is big to you, just like others problems are big to them.

 

Think of yourself and put yourself first, concentrate on your own happiness. As much as you'd like to think of a perfect life with him, it'll never happen, you will keep on being upset and feeling depressed.

 

This is why you need to move on and forget him ( i know your probably thinking - easier said then done). It will eventually happen.

 

Don't give him the satisfaction of ruining anymore of your life. Let him see you don't need him to make you happy.

 

Winnie

[jadeblossom]

Winnie,

 

Thanks for your daily encouragement. It really helps. I'm reading and rereading your words everyday and I keep reminding myself that I'm not alone and I have to get through this and be strong. I have not seen him since saturday, and I'll only be seeing him a week from now. I'm just steeling myself to be strong and not let him affect me and as you say, don't show him that I'm suffering. Show him that I've moved on.

[winnie_05]

Jadeblossom, how are you coping?

 

Winnie

[jadeblossom]

Hi Winnie,

 

How are you? Me, I'm not doing too well I guess. Can't seem to use my head. He called last weekend and said that he and the W had an almighty quarrel over a small issue where she lost her temper hit him on the head and kicked and punched him and she asked him to leave the house. So now he's at his mom's. I saw him yesterday night after NC for almost 2 weeks, he had bruises everywhere, his ear was swollen. I felt so sorry for him. Just wanted to take care of him and be there for him. We did it. Twice. Yeah, I know. Stupid me. And today I had to go to clinic after clinic looking for a morning after pill coz it was the dangerous time of the month. Stupid me again.

 

His kid was ill last night and this morning so he went over to the house to see the toddler, and W said sorry to him and apologised for everything and asked him to move back. He said he wasn't ready.

 

I told him that I fully understand that he has to go back to her and stay married because of the child. He said yes, he knows he does have to do it for the kid. (At this point, you know the misery I felt. I felt like the stupidest person in the whole world). I asked him for closure. I asked him to tell me why wouldn't he just tell me straight to my face "I want to stay married. I'm sorry but there's no way for us to be together." He said he was still confused and he didn't know how to give closure to me.

 

Why won't he give me closure? I need to move on. Do I need to be the one to be strong and harsh and walk away? I don't think he would walk away and yet he clearly knows what he has to do.

 

Hmm, on a good note, I met a single guy last weekend, my age. And the weird thing was that he reminded me of my MM so strongly. He had similiar characteristics, we could really click, have the same interests and he seems very nice. He asked me out a few days later but I didn't reply. He asked me out again today and I said yes. I'm gonna meet him later for drinks. I feel so weird about it. I even asked my MM if I should go, he looked really upset but he said he didn't want to be a jerk and ask me not to.

 

What's going on with me? I can't seem to think clearly and do the right thing. I feel like I've been trapped and I don't know how to break free.

[newbby]

he wants to keep you trapped, he needs you, but you must tell him to work it out alone, and in the meantime get on with your life. dont throw away the chance you have with the new guy, for a maybe, but not very likely.

read the post by (?i cant remember the name) anyway its about how to turn this to a winning situation for you.

i dont think the strategy would work in all cases, but your mm's marriage sounds pretty bad. however, she may have an inkling of the affair and just lost it.

give him and yourself some time apart, at least a month, in the meantime, date this nice guy and have some fun, have a break from it all.

[jadeblossom]

The new guy and I actually had a great time last night. We both said that when we met we both felt very comfortable with each other and could click easily. When I got back, MM was waiting outside my house. We didn't end up sleeping together though. Just talked and he said he felt really happy for me and at the same time felt horrible to have to see me date other guys.

 

He said he's going to go back to live with his W and his kid again, because he said his kid is acting weird and insecure and all. Like, keeps asking for him and all, and keeps crying in the middle of the night asking for his daddy. But the kid is only 2 years old! Can a 2 year old sense that something is wrong? He says that he feels so reluctant to go back, he said he was kicked out of the house like a dog, and to now have to crawl back like a dog again, he feels that he's lost his dignity, but he said that no sacrifice should be too great to see his kid happy and secure again. So he's going back to stay with them tonight. I wasn't sad to hear that, I want the kid to be happy too.

 

I really want to turn this into a winning situation for myself. Not sure how I would be able to. I was still thinking about MM throughout the date with the new guy and I found myself looking for similarities between MM and the new guy, which I know is wrong of me to do. I hope the new guy asks me out again. I really want a fresh start. Since i can't seem to find a new job at the moment I still see MM everyday and it doesn't really help.

[winnie_05]

Hi Jadeblossom,

 

Glad to hear the date with the new guy went well, i hope that works out you. You may stop comparing him to MM if your feelings change.

 

As for your MM little boy, he'll probably sense that his Daddy isn't around as much and miss him.

 

Your MM is probably jealous about your new guy, because from what you say now it does sound like he wants to be with you but he knows its wrong and can't be because he has a family.

 

It must be very hard for you and I really hope it works out for you with your new guy. You never know he could be the one but just enjoy your life, thats the main thing! Be happy. Let me know what happens.

 

Good luck

 

Winnie