Mindset of a Bully - some insight?

[GemmaUK]

This has kicked off in different ways and so big time I cannot even post all of it!

 

Our Boss' first day back was filled up almost entirely with complaints about this manager.

 

But for my part - our boss didn't say anything that day about my complaint, I asked discreetly - so at least I know my 'warning' was only about a stoopid parcel.

 

She will still be on my radar as always though.

I'll just question any odd comment - same as I always did.

 

Funny though - I didn't tell our boss what she said and he keeps hovering around me asking if I am alright. He wants to ask. I give it until Friday. He'll ask - or keep asking if I am OK.

[Toodaloo]

Gemma

 

Bullies are cowards. I was bullied very badly at school and after growing up they pretty much are all afraid of me. So much so I can almost smell it on them when I see them about.

 

I was nasty to a girl once and bullied her for a short time and at the time it was because I was afraid. Where that fear came from I have no idea because she was a lovely girl, beautiful, bright, so intelligent it was unreal. But I was mean to her for a few weeks. In truth I think at the time she intimidated me and thankfully I had the good sense to stop what I was doing because it sickened me that I was behaving that way.

 

As I have grown older I have discovered that bullies have these little glass houses that they try to protect. They are highly insecure people and use intimidation to get what they want. Often as not they are not smart or bright or even much fun but they use fear and manipulation to fool others into thinking that they are better than they are.

 

I pity that woman. She will end up on her arse and her glass house will be shattered. Perhaps professionally but more than likely it will happen in her personal life.

 

I should just be polite and keep going as you are. Tyrants never gain respect and are always open to a revolt within the ranks.

[Arieswoman]

I don't think she's a bully, I think she has a tile loose.

 

You are right to keep out of her way. Give her enough rope and she'll hang herself....

[Timshel]

You're right Gemma, it can happen to anyone and most of us at some point experience it to a degree. You seem to be handling this properly...remaining professional and keeping interaction brief and to the point. Documenting any inappropriate behavior is also useful.

 

Maybe she is unhinged or maybe this is simply a personality conflict that leads to misunderstandings. It seems there are others in your office who are also observing her behavior. I wouldn't engage in commiserating, as it can backfire..but it does indicate a general problem.

Regardless, I agree with others that maintaining integrity/principle will ultimately resolve this issue with the least amount of damage to yourself.

 

Good luck

[GemmaUK]

Thanks everyone!

 

Our boss managed to enable her today - he called my team in for a meeting minus me. She made a beeline for me during the meeting walking past laughing and saying 'Alright Gemma! Hahaha!' at seeing me sitting on my own and seeing the team in the meeting room.

I just replied 'yeah good thanks!'

 

Team came out of the meeting and immediately started talking about it - the reason for the meeting was that there will be a team change and the boss swore them all not to say a word as nothing is finalised. Just prior to him calling them in another manager had asked a question and one of the team had said something she shouldn't have. They were sworn to secrecy and came out talking about it!

The change will affect me quite drastically in terms of my workload but he chose to only call those folk in as they will see paperwork relating to the change - I won't see any of that paperwork.

 

It gave that bully manager a chance to have a good old laugh at me though. Great!

 

It was so nice to se the support here tonight and to know that you guys think I am (so far) doing the right thing in terms of how I deal with her.

 

Makes you realise you aren't going insane!

Gotta say I'm thoroughly pissed off tonight that our boss didn't call me in as well - feeling very much not part of the team but your support feels like a great big hug!

[GemmaUK]

A few hours later and I am still upset. A lot upset.

 

If my boss had called me in too I would be cool.

 

I am just trying to deal with a bully who is now targeting me.

I am out of the equation of knowing the score because our boss left me out of the meeting.

 

What do I do?

Do I tell my boss about her 'warning' the other week and and her laughing at me or do I ignore it all?

 

It's friggin' hard when it's you in this situation.

[GemmaUK]

Plus my boss 'joked' and said You're not being made redundant yet' yesterday.

 

Sorry all..am not feeling great.

[SpiralOut]

I think she was hoping for you to be on the same wavelength as her. She wanted you to immediately understand what she meant, and to get embarrassed or upset or whatever, to give her the reaction she wanted. She's too cowardly to communicate directly. So when she saw that she would have to explain her comment to you, she immediately backed down.

 

Yeah, I think you should mention it to someone. If not that, at least keep a written record of incidents as they come up.

 

I think that bullies forget (or don't realize) that not everyone thinks the same way as them. They just assume that you are going to understand what they mean, or that you MUST be thinking something bad about them.

 

I left my last workplace due to bullying, so I know how unnerving it is to be a target. I think you are handling it well.

[GemmaUK]

My apologies to anyone who reads - I flipped a little on here in my last few posts! Lol!

 

Interesting out come though.

I did speak up, told two colleagues and also told my boss about the warning Ms Bully retracted.

My concern wasn't about not being called in by the time I had thought things through - it was Ms Bully and her 'warning' to me plus her bee line to me and her dig. I do not want to be that woman's target!!!

I only ended someone else harassing me in April (two months after having to send her a mail and deal with it myself) this year which had gone on for years! I didn't speak up right at the minor beginnings so was unable to carry it through with HR - this time I wanted to speak up right at the initial minor stages so that people know/

 

My boss was great, totally understood why I was telling him something that seemed so minor towards me at that point in time - just back up in case anything else happens.

 

Colleagues were not quite the same though. One of them jumped in and said I need to ignore her bullying as she is stressed. Basically, I need to be empathetic to Ms Bully.

 

I find it amazing that some folk can ignore bully tactics and give them an excuse!

[Timshel]

You're right Gemma, it can happen to anyone and most of us at some point experience it to a degree. You seem to be handling this properly...remaining professional and keeping interaction brief and to the point. Documenting any inappropriate behavior is also useful.

 

Maybe she is unhinged or maybe this is simply a personality conflict that leads to misunderstandings. It seems there are others in your office who are also observing her behavior. I wouldn't engage in commiserating, as it can backfire..but it does indicate a general problem.

Regardless, I agree with others that maintaining integrity/principle will ultimately resolve this issue with the least amount of damage to yourself.

 

Good luck

 

 

Remain professional...at all times!

[GemmaUK]

Remain professional...at all times!

 

No question of that.

With support over it, professional but I'm not going to not say if something else happens for me.

For others who have her behaviour day in day out - it's up to them - all too scared of her though so they will do as her team often does - they just leave.

[Toodaloo]

Plus my boss 'joked' and said You're not being made redundant yet' yesterday.

 

Sorry all..am not feeling great.

 

That was a really insensitive remark. It is also telling.

 

I know its hard but I think you need to keep an eye open for other opportunities and if anyone ever says anything like that again to you make it known that you are perfectly happy to be employed elsewhere and that you consider your job "disposable".

 

A smile and comment such as "Oh well that is nice to know but just give me the heads up so I can book a fantastic holiday with my redundancy payout before I start my new job".

 

Be confident in yourself Gemma even when you are not feeling it. Hold your head up high and stride forward with a smile.

[GemmaUK]

That was a really insensitive remark. It is also telling.

 

I know its hard but I think you need to keep an eye open for other opportunities and if anyone ever says anything like that again to you make it known that you are perfectly happy to be employed elsewhere and that you consider your job "disposable".

 

A smile and comment such as "Oh well that is nice to know but just give me the heads up so I can book a fantastic holiday with my redundancy payout before I start my new job".

 

Be confident in yourself Gemma even when you are not feeling it. Hold your head up high and stride forward with a smile.

 

Actually that comment on it's own had no impact on me whatsoever he giggled his head off after saying it and I piped up loudly to the team 'Someone write that down Bossman just said he's not making me redundant yet!! You are all my witnesses!

So much like you do with your work colleagues we can be pretty evil to each other in our smaller team (which doesn't include Ms Bully).

Had it not been preceded by Ms Bully's retracted comment about 'don't you ever do something for someone who doesn't have the confidence' and then followed by a meeting I was excluded from and having by that time become aware of what Ms Bully had tried to do with that comment then I wouldn't have mentioned it.

When I told my boss about all that went on he apologised and said he should have called me in also. When I said Ms Bully was attempting to bully his face was deadly serious but unless others open up to what she does he won't take any action. I asked him not to over what happened to me.

But, he walked out of the office and turned and said ''I'll have to think of something to bully you about now' (he was laughing), I turned back and said 'F*** off you!!' He roared out laughing at that...so insult banter is typical between he and I.

It's not just him who makes evil digs - I am the same with him - and it has been known for me to run away and him try to throw something at me! Lol!

I had a lot of fuel not long ago when he became a Grandpa for the first time..

 

But yep, I admit, when I was excluded I can't help but say the redundant comment ran through my mind!

 

Plus, I should add, I worded my last post not so great - I will let the boss know should anything else happen and he is fine with that, what I won't do is mention it to those two closest colleagues.

[GemmaUK]

Hopefully this is the end of the story for me personally.

 

Ms Bully has a new target, has done a very swift and vile job of dropping her best friend at work (who is one of her second in commands - Ms B runs two sections) like a hot brick and manipulating several others too.

 

I happened to get a lift to work from the dropped best friend so was chatting about bits and pieces, general stuff and then a little bit about Ms B but only to the extent that ex-bestie has to go visit another office but make sure Ms B is there to cover the team. Ms B booked a day off last minute so the plans are scuppered now.

I was 'seen' talking to ex-bestie then was pounced upon with a diatribe of questions and IMs once I got into work. I would give it leeway except I know for a fact that those who have been manipulated have been lied to by Ms Bully as I overheard a conversation a week or so ago between Ms B and our boss.

 

This is way too far gone for me to do anything.

I don't think the ex-best friend will be with us much longer, she will be forced most likely or will leave eventually.

 

I was thinking back over all of it, the people involved, what has gone on the past few years and all of it comes down to Ms Bully. The entire problem going on with ex-bestie etc was begun by her. It's scary someone could do all that! It has come from friending and dropping, friending and dropping. She does it all the time and she has already begun friending a new one in her team too.

 

There's way too much to post about but there's times when you gotta just look out for yourself. I am pulling right out of it all and found a great book on work bullying so that I have the skills should Ms B choose to go for me again. So far, I did the right thing going by some of your reactions and also by the book I'm reading.

Now that I am aware I plan on questioning her anytime she tries to get to me again. It appears to be the way to go..

[GemmaUK]

I am aware my first post was pretty confusing sounding - apologies for that - I did fill things out later on.

 

This has taken an interesting turn the last few months.

Ms Bully had a team of about 10 staff.

 

There was a change in things a few months ago - she lost nine staff and was left with just one reporting to her as the structure al got changed around.

 

Most things began to get batter immediately. The morale of the team who used to report to her has drastically improved. They used to get torn down, ripped to shreds daily/weekly and that no longer happens.

They are being guided, instructed and encouraged. They have a new boss who is pretty new herself but she is quick - but more than that she is fair with her team.

 

One fairly big task (time consuming admin task which needs to be spot on)r moved with Ms Bully and she told those who had been doing it over the years quite blatantly that they had been doing it wrong.

She took over and within a day or so it actually stared to go badly wrong.

 

So, fast forward a few weeks and Ms Bully - who was always great at being off sick a lot is again off sick a lot.

A few weeks later and Ms B is being made redundant.

 

She has notice though and the company knows.

 

She asked her one remaining team member (the one who was threatening to leave earlier in this thread) to start a collection for her leaving gift.

I can't blame said team member for doing this - at all.

But the collection went around and they collected £17.50.

Two who gave gave £5 - within our team and they felt compelled to give £5 each as we do that in our own team for birthdays.

I gave 50p. The rest of the company gave £6.00 total, there are over 180 of us at this office and if you leave the standard is £1 and for birthdays it's £1.

 

I can't believe she asked her sub to start a collection??!!! She is being made redundant - her sub is taking over as 'in charge' of what they do.

 

The boss is sticking in £10 after hearing what happened so we can get her a bunch of flowers. She will be expecting £100 worth of vouchers from a particular clothes shop - she has stated which shop for vouchers and has stated the collection will be big. The collection she asked to be started.

 

This woman is deluded about her popularity at our company. Seriously deluded.