Girlfriend Dumped Me Unexpectedly: Fight for her or give up?

[Frozensushi]

Dangerous, I agree with AloneInAz that you're describing some of the classic traits of BPD -- e.g., the rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you, inability to trust, the repeating push-away and pull-back cycle, and always being "The Victim."

 

Reading those four traits, my entire relationship with my Ex-GF flashed in my mind. I don't know if I will ever be able to understand it fully. I just appreciate that I'm not alone in what I experienced.

[TooRational]

dangerous, my ex-wife is BPD too while my recent ex is dismissive-avoidant that has commitment issues like your ex. I've been unfortunate to a point but, like you, I also look forward to the process of finding the right one.

 

Best of luck!

[dangerous]

I am so tempted to reach out, as a friend, and break NC.

I figure that if she has these psychological issues, then why shouldn't I show compassion? She's clearly hurting, and maybe a few kind words will help.

I can't see her approaching me, as she has her coping mechanism of shutting out/down. But at least if I try/make the gesture, I know I have tried my best.

 

 

I posted this is the NC section, but this is the way, I am feeling today:

"I'm still feeling this urge to CONTACT her as a friend. I accept we are over as lovers, and she hurt me, for her own selfish reasons. BUT the fact that she has gone NC with me, means she is hurting. Maybe we can talk and there was something I can say to reassure her. I'd still like her as a friend, rather than nothing. She may not even want to talk, but at least if I try, I will feel better, and maybe achieve my own version of closure. I don't see this will harm me... or will it?.. Sorry to ask, but can I have some opinions and encouragement either way? Thanks, and sorry, I'm feeling low this morning."

 

 

I am battling

[TooRational]

To be honest it seems awfully soon after the breakup to reunite as friends.

 

What if she gives you mixed signals that she might consider getting back together? How will you handle that?

 

I believe that friendships, like romantic relationships, should be a two-way street. You need to get something out of it too. Otherwise she will just suck out the goodwill out of you and leave you empty. Being that she's BPD, does she has enough to offer to a friendship? Only you can answer that.

 

If you feel low as you're saying, getting a boost by helping her out is IMHO not the right thing to do. I understand though, I like to help to and it does make me feel good. But you gotta learn how to improve your mood without relying on her, otherwise you'll have a hard time moving on. Surely, she has friends around her that can help.

 

The typical advice applies: workout, see friends, start a new hobby where you can meet new people, etc.

 

Good luck.

[dangerous]

Well here I am a week later. I've kept myself busy with work and friends, and although I'm still thinking of my ex a lot (worst thing is to get sucked in, in the morning, I have to stop myself!) but I'd say its getting less each day now. I've reminded myself how badly she treated me, by re-reading my posts.

 

I am tempted less to contact her. Partly I realised that I did all the chasing, running, and apologising before, so if I mean anything to her at all, then she will have to come to me. But I won't hold my breath.

 

I confess to still battling depression, but its reactive of my own personal issues (career, financial) so I'm trying to focus in fixing those (and not looking for romance right now).

 

Thanks for the ongoing support x

[TooRational]

I confess to still battling depression, but its reactive of my own personal issues (career, financial) so I'm trying to focus in fixing those (and not looking for romance right now).

 

Good plan. Make sure to do regular physical activity as well. Best antidepressant there is. Hang in there, it will get better.

[Marc878]

If you haven't learned by now begging and pleading are the worst things you can do. I suspect you are both dating too early and this is a rebound. Which usually never works out. Learn to like living alone and stay away from this screwed up mess.

[dangerous]

Thanks and I agree. I work out a lot. And I am not begging.

But I think like a lot of us going through early NC, its hard to fight the urge to contact and tell her to talk to me like a human being!

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Edited October 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[dangerous]

After 3 weeks now, my exGF texted me out of the blue today to ask me if I would like some company and go for a drink?

 

I would of course like to see her/talk to her to try to put the recent hostility firmly in the past. But I am concerned that seeing her will upset me or make me melancholy for the lost relationship (which I confess to wishing would rekindle, despite the obvious risks of her past performance of bailing at the first sign of hardship).

 

Please can I have some more input based on your experiences and views? I really need some extra strength whether I resist her or see her either way.

[TooRational]

Tough call. I'm in a similar situation and I wouldn't know what to do in your shoes. What I do know is that I couldn't go back to the same old relationship. Something would have to change.

 

What I've read time and time again in this forum is that unless that reason for the first breakup has been addressed, then any future relationship is doomed to failure.

 

Could you be happy always walking on egg shells with her for fear of pissing her off and her breaking up again with you?

[dangerous]

I don't think I'd go back into the relationship anyway - We both need a lot of work doing first. But I would like her back in my life as a friend - even if to clear the air and then realize that we couldn't be friends - if that makes sense? I just think the NC/ silence is worse at the moment.

 

But as it is I've not replied yet. I'm reflecting on my choices.

[aloneinaz]

You HAVE to know the answer to this. No way should you meet up with her again. Most will wonder why you didn't block her number or change yours so you don't have to deal with any contact w/her?

 

Personally, you'd be better off hitting you hand with a hammer than even considering it. It would be less painful, drama filled and the pain would ease quicker than rehashing all the past BS that would only start again if you saw her or dated her again.

[TooRational]

Just trying to be friend with an ex, while at the same time, hoping that you could rekindle the relationship, even in the far future, is playing with fire in my opinion.

 

If you're anything like me, you're likely to over-analyze your interaction with her to find any signs that the attraction is still there. You'll be clinging to any sign of hope. I know I was, during the 3 weeks after the breakup where we remained friends.

 

I was fortunate enough to be able to have a nice closure with my ex, one week after the breakup. Nice evening where we talked about everything over beers and finished the night with amazing break-up sex. But we couldn't continue seeing each other after that. As I said, I was driving myself crazy with any sign of hope that wasn't there. She had been controlling the relationship up to that point and going NC meant I took some power back.

 

So, perhaps you can indeed go out with her once to get closure if she's open to it. But I would strongly suggest to go NC after that for quite a while, so that both of you can heal and grow separately. Otherwise you'll just be a doormat to her.

[dangerous]

Update. I met her to talk earlier this week and we started off just polite but I hated the falseness so I told her I wanted to get everything out in the open. I proceeded to tell her I still love her but that I accepted even if we got back together now it would not work - we both need time to fix our own demons. However maybe in time if we do fix them and we grow our friendship then we might look forward to a full relationship in the future. It was all theory and maybes. She didn't commit and she made it clear she wants to be alone and not be BF/GF. We agreed we'd go to dinner two days later as planned:

 

So tonight we went for dinner. I chose the venue and decided to be the confident man. The evening was pleasant enough but no sparks for sure. My over riding feeling was that she was extra holding back, no physical contact at all, and even a couple of knock backs to invitations i suggested for the future. For me she was cold and soul-less. It wasn't a long evening and we said our goodbyes and I felt flat.

 

At her previous request, we have arranged to go together (as friends, as she likes to reiterate!) on a group walk next week. I've decided to pull out. I really don't like her 'as a friend'.

 

After all the previous agonising about NC and should I/ shouldn't I see her or tell her how I really feel, my conclusion is that it was worth it. Now I feel I did absolutely everything possible to explore the options and at the end of it I now see her in a different light - one I do not LIKE (whether or not I love her) and I honestly feel that I can truly begin to heal and move on now. That's my feeling tonight immediately after seeing her.

[TooRational]

Glad it worked out for you. Probably a good thing that she was fairly cold. Otherwise it could have rekindled hope and that can lead to lots of anxiety (that's what happened to me anyway). Probably best to go NC again to heal properly. You don't seem ready for a platonic friendship with her.

[Kelley]

It's hard to go from a relationship without boundaries to one where you have them as a friend, especially if you are still in love. I held on for 3 months as a friend in the hope we would rekindle the romance, but he kept me in the dark most of that time, using my friendship and support whilst seeing another woman. It hurt being a friend and I didn't move on, it was like the relationship ended all over again. Go NC and heal it's the best way.

[dangerous]

Thanks.

 

Today is the following morning and I still feel the same, so I called her up to ask to meet.

 

We met and I told her that I had decided that 'friends' didn't work for me. I explained that I need a loving relationship (including touch) and that if she won't give it to me, I need to begin my search for someone who will. She said that's not what she wants (with anyone).

 

I reiterated that I still love her but its all or nothing for me. I continued that my love enables me to bless her new single life that's she's chosen, and I truly wish her happiness and continued growth away from her challenges. I told her that if in the future she decides that her new life would be even better with me in it, then she should contact me, and if I'm still around I'll be glad to be in it. For now though we both need space to rebuild our separate lives.

 

I left. So now the real NC begins.

[dangerous]

She's been texting me and stupidly I've been replying. But My feelings have completely changed:

I've been feeling irritated with her texting in the first place and then when I reply with fun or flirty she iterates that we are just friends. It all came to a head yesterday and I repeated that if she doesn't see us giving it another try at any time in the foreseeable then I can't be her friend. I know that I've said that before but this time I told her I'm hanging up and goodbye. I've now blocked her calls and deleted her number and messages.

After an initial remorse I seem to have settled in a more calm mindset of acceptance that she is not the one for me. I will actively avoid her from this point on. It does feel different now.

[dangerous]

Well here we are 3 weeks later. I have kept no contact and I've been casual dating a little also. I'm still thinking of her but it's becoming less painful and I'm finding more in my thoughts that I don't like about her.

However like a fool although I've deleted her messages I unblocked her number and sure enough I received text yesterday, she has some important news she wants to tell me before she tellls all our common friends. Today I texted her and said ok text or call me, so she called. Her news is she's selling up and moving for a new job to a different part of the country. I'm thinking yeh and? So I just said good for you, well done and see you some time, bye.

 

What was that all about?

 

I felt pretty annoyed tbh that she felt she wanted to tell me. It's not as though I am her BF or even her friend right now. I see it that everything she does now just hurts me. No contact!!

[Marc878]

Well here we are 3 weeks later. I have kept no

[*]contact and I've been casual dating a little also. I'm still thinking of her but it's becoming less painful and I'm finding more in my thoughts that I don't like about her.

[*]However like a fool although I've deleted her messages I unblocked her number and sure enough I received text yesterday, she has some important news she wants to tell me before she tellls all our common friends. Today I texted her and said ok text or call me, so she called. Her news is she's selling up and moving for a new job to a different part of the country. I'm thinking yeh and? So I just said good for you, well done and see you some time, bye.

 

[*]What was that all about?

[/LIS

I felt pretty annoyed tbh that she felt she wanted to tell me. It's not as though I am her BF or even her friend right now. I see it that everything she does now just hurts me. No contact!!

 

This was your fault. Hopefully you've learned to quit hanging on when all the signs say move on. No one needs a drama queen.

[PegNosePete]

What was that all about?

She is excited and happy and wants as many other people as possible to be happy and excited for her. Typical attention seeking behaviour.

 

I see it that everything she does now just hurts me. No contact!!

I'm sure it's not deliberate, she's not trying to hurt you, she's just selfish. But the end result is that if you break NC, you get hurt. Direct cause and effect.

[dangerous]

Yes I can understand what you say about NC but in this case, it wouldn't have helped. I'd hear anyway through other friends telling me.

 

I'm really surprised how much it has upset me. I was actually feeling better then this announcement has brought back the feeling of loss and the memories of the joint life we had planned together.

 

Yes she is selfish and has no concept of empathy. (Further traits of her BPD/avoidant behaviour!).

 

It's been a horrible couple of days.

[dangerous]

I thought it useful to let people know that here I am a year later. I have indeed gotten over my ex. I haven't seen or heard from her or of her, I hardly even think of her now.

 

I've enjoyed some casual relationships soon after and then met a new 'special lady' and in fact have had a long(ish) term relationship, still current, for the past 6 months. Don't laugh but I have new challenges with this new lady, but that's another story for another thread! BUT my point is, the heartache from the ex is well and truly over

[Downtown]

Dangerous, thanks so much for returning after a year to let us know how you're doing. I'm pleased to hear that you're over your exGF and are no longer hurting. I'm also pleased to hear that you're getting along well with another young lady in a R/S that has already lasted six months. Take care, Dangerous!