Girlfriend Dumped Me Unexpectedly: Fight for her or give up?

[dangerous]

What's R/S? Oh, relationships

Edited September 10, 2016 by dangerous
Just realised

[fromheart]

Well, I'm a week into our new relationship and sure enough it's a game of two halves - already..

We spent a heavenly weekend together but this week I've been working away so apart from literally one or two texts a day we have a phone call in the evening.

We won't see each other until next weekend (almost two weeks apart).

Last night I called her after a day of no texts - we were both busy. I confess to feeling lonely and missing her like crazy. Anyway when we talked that evening, I told her how I missed her and how I would have preferred more communication from her. Although I know I came across as needy I'm fed up with over analyzing and I just want an honest and loving relationship, where we can open up with our vulnerabilities and expect support from the other.

Her reaction disappointed me: she reprimanded me for putting pressure on her. She told me how my call had made her feel unhappy and not happy like she wants. Boy did she lay into me - telling me I need to rehearse what I'm going to say to her. You can imagine I left that call pretty low.

 

That night as I reflected alone. I figure that this isn't the relationship I want. I have enough other worries in my life that I don't want an unhappy partner too. I'm thinking I'd like to date other women to see how it feels, make friends, find attraction and ultimately a GF. I can easily get dates from the web and at least that will get me meeting new people.

 

Next day I apologised to my GF (by text because she was traveling) but she didn't respond for a few hours. I figured she was still sulking and punishing me.

The confusing thing though was later in the day she texted back telling me she loves me and although we're apart she can't wait to be with me next weekend.

 

I'm confused, by her, and also by my own feelings. I just want a loving and secure relationship and to protect myself from the likely and repeated rejection from my existing girlfriend, but I find it so hard to walk away.

 

 

She needs to be the one chasing you up, saying that she misses you and wants more communication. Thats perfectly natural.

 

However, as she sounds a bit imbalanced her desires are going to come across in a rough way. Women like that often end up with men who are unavailable to them and treat women badly, or men who are available to them and they treat the men badly.

 

I avoid that drama like the plague, and would end things at this point. Its like having a relationship with the hulk.

 

But if you really want to give it a go, let her do all the chasing (which she should be doing anyway, as she was the one who talked about ending it with you) and give her your precious time when she makes herself available to you.

 

When she gos off the radar, and this will happen, don't contact her. There's a possibility that this will turn things around. Be the busy man putting his career first, but will find the time to be with her when and only she reaches out.

Edited September 11, 2016 by fromheart

[bubbaganoosh]

OK friend it's like this. First, she wasn't married to a bully. Probably her ex husband finally had enough and let her have an ear full because of her selfishness. If anything she's the abuser and your proving my point every time you post.

 

It's time you tell her that if she isn't happy with you and the way you are and can't find it in her selfish heart to compromise a little then tell her to hit the skids.

 

If you haven't noticed, it's all about her, her feelings, wants and needs and yours don't count for squat. If you want to be her whipping boy and under her thumb, then so far your doing a good job but if you want a equal say then you either open your mouth and put her in her place and let her know that in a relationship it's a two way street or continue to be kicked around. Your choice.

[dangerous]

Thanks Heart & Bubba, good advice indeed!

 

I know, for my own good I need to regain control. My weakness is that I've gone through a very low period over then past 2 years (separation after a long marriage, job loss, financial problems etc) and my self esteem is at an all time low.

 

This GF gave me comfort and joy for 6 months and then after she removed the security so suddenly, she's now providing me with this ON/OFF treatment. It's doing my head in, but as long as I have the weekend joy (read intimacy & sex) that's so important to me.

 

I am struggling in my mind whether to:

1. cut her out now (sensible option)

2. keep quiet and just get her love when she gives it (weak, selfish option). I suppose this option is just to take it easy for the next couple months while her divorce goes through and my job settles.

3. talk to her and tell her I need more and if she can't give it then I am out (risky option). I run the risk of course that if she says she wants me now or later, then she'll revert back to type anyway. Maybe I need to make this option conditional that she gets therapy?

 

Thanks for your patience, I know this is taking its time, but I'm sure it will all pan out soon enough whichever way that ends up.

[sooshi]

dangerous,

 

There is too much drama here. And this woman sounds very unstable.

 

One week into your "new" relationship, and things are already going downhill. That's because it's not actually a new relationship. No inner work has been done, no true healing on either end.

 

Go through with option #1. Cut her out now. You're right: it's the sensible option.

 

Choosing either of the two other options will only lead to more pain and misery.

 

Go no contact and take time and space for yourself, to heal. You've been through so much over the past couple of years. Take to time focus on your emotional, mental, and physical health. Your entire well-being. Build joy, comfort, and security from within, so that you do not need to get it from someone else.

 

It might take a long time. But it'll be worth it.

 

Take care, OP.

[PegNosePete]

I'm still going to continue to see her, but much more on my terms.

she reprimanded me for putting pressure on her. She told me how my call had made her feel unhappy and not happy like she wants. Boy did she lay into me

So much for "your terms"? Seems like more of the same. She isn't getting things her way so she has a go at you for not treating her like a Disney princess even though she acts like a spoiled brat.

 

Next day I apologised to my GF

Why?

 

I just want a loving and secure relationship

Sorry, but you are not going to get one with this woman. You are going to have drama every single day because she is a creator and distributor of drama and trouble and misery.

[dangerous]

Well, as predicted by many of you, we broke up. Again. Finally, I'd say.

 

We had three wonderful weekends, making love and lots of intimacy. During the weeks we have both been working hard, and with me working away, the communication was sparse, sparser than I would have liked.

 

I will admit, I felt needy (I have my own insecurities) but I want a GF who talks to me regularly, especially when she knows I'm feeling down. After all, our relationship was exclusive and committed and not a casual/ open one. So weekend before last when we met, I asked if we could have a big talk. I told her about my insecurities and need for more closeness. She opened up about her painful past and we seemed to connect on a very deep level, lots of emotions, tears, hugging .. and we made love too. When I left I felt it was an amazing breakthrough.

 

Monday morning, and all week while I was away, to my surprise, the same thing happened: few texts/calls and she seemed cool.

 

The Friday, I was back home (working) but no word from her, no goodnight, no good morning, so I called her to ask her what's up and confirm arrangements for meeting that night as planned. She was hostile: told me she didn't want to text me, she was busy in the week, she preferred to be alone tonight, and that last weekend was horrible and she felt depressed by it! I was shocked at how we had viewed things so differently, and I also told her that she never told me how she felt. As before she said that she shouldn't have to tell me. To be honest, I was fed up that this sounded exactly like it was before, before we had our break/make-up and big talks. So I said "so are we over?". She said, "I guess we are". Anyway, I went straight over and collected some stuff, and had a brief chat where she told me a few things she hadn't liked about me (again not communicated at the time) and that she's not ready for a relationship etc.

 

Of course, I'm sad of the loss of the good things, but when I look at my journal of the last 3 weeks together, I see the regular pattern where she reprimanded me and then didn't contact me. I saw the warning signs but was blinded by the sweet moments. I had thought we had made the big break-through but clearly we hadn't.

 

You guys were right of course, but I had to find out the hard way.

[noukster]

Is this relationship/woman really making you happy? Do you feel that it's normal to completely shutdown on someone after just one fight?

 

 

I think she is being a little overdramatic. Of course awful things happened in her past, but leaving her for a little bit so you guys can sort things on your own doesn't mean that you don't care. That doesn't mean your anything like her ex.

 

 

I think this woman uses her past as a reason to block someone out of her life. It seems to me that it's somehow easier for her to just stop and move on, instead of trying to work things out. If she wanted it to be okay, she could have made the first move as well. But instead she is blaming you for not making the first move.

 

I would think about it really good, is this the kind of relationship you want? What happens when you get in another fight?

[dangerous]

yes, you are exactly right. She did exactly the same thing at the next argument. She shows no loyalty or commitment.

[fromheart]

Alot of us have been there in very similar situations. That's why when we read just the first few lines of you initial post, we say call it a day with her.

 

So now you spend the weekend with her, she opens up to you emotionally and then makes love to you. After that, she pretty much turns nasty. Would you treat a girl like that after having sex with her? Of course not, it would be a form of abuse.

 

Depression can turn people abusive, and she is depressed and abusive. That's where she's at and its nothing to do with you.

 

Of course, there's something wonderful about her also. But she's not that wonderful person all the time is she. In fact, she's mainly the horrible one at the moment.

 

You can't get emotionally close to people like that. Time to become emotionally distant from her, walk away and do not look back.

 

 

Some harsh advice I must give; don't ask a woman to be close to you. She'll see you as weak. She can come close to you, and if she doesn't move on to one who does. Don't talk about your insecurities too much, only the solution that you are applying to your insecurities.

[victimsoflove]

thanks for sharing ur story. u are such a brave soul.

 

i can see you really love her. and u understand her past -- issues with her dad and a karmic/abusive ex-bf. she can love so much because she knew how it felt to get hurt.. she learned a lesson there.

 

but then she still has unresolved issues with her dad and ex-bf that she needs to heal. And u somehow mirrored the patterns to her unintentionally when she got angry and became drama queen.

 

The mirror happens because it needs the clearing for our past issues, past wounds, fears, insecurities.

 

But i think u really love her and u understand her for acting that way. I can see myself in her. You can help her heal. Let her be and plan for her future and love herself, focus both on yourselves.

 

When the time is right for u to be together again, the universe will arrange that for you.

 

We've all got healing to do! Goodluck!

[dangerous]

Thank you for your kind words.

Since we broke up last Friday, I feel strangely calm and accepting.

To be honest, unlike the first break up, I feel as though I want to and could be her friend. But I won't rush in, I won't contact her first.

 

To my surprise, and honestly some sadness, I notice she has been quick to unfriend me from Facebook and remove me from all future group meeting invites that we had booked for future months. Tbh I would have done the same before (when I had been discarded by her) but now we mutually broke up I hadn't thought it necessary. It seems she is hurting a lot more than me right now.

 

I think kindly of her and wish her well. But that is all I am prepared to do right now.

[aloneinaz]

I reread some of what your wrote about her behaviors and wonder if she's been diagnosed with any personality disorders. Her behavior reminds me of a girl in my past that I'm sure suffered at some degree from Borderline Personality Disorder. Lots of similarity there.

 

You should google BPD signs and see if any of them resonate with your now ex's behavior.

 

I'm not diagnosing her, just sharing that her behavior isn't normal at all and you should feel good that you dodged a bullet with her and cut all ties. She'd be the last person I'd want to befriend.

[Downtown]

Dangerous, I agree with AloneInAz that you're describing some of the classic traits of BPD -- e.g., the rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you, inability to trust, the repeating push-away and pull-back cycle, and always being "The Victim." If you would like to read about BPD symptoms, an easy place to start is my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join AloneInAz and the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Dangerous.

[dangerous]

I feel sorry for her, especially if she has BPD too, I guess she needs (professional) help.

I still feel the draw to offering her friendship. Her behaviour post breakup of going silent and withdrawing from me (yes I'm on the receiving end of NC) shows she's hurting - even though she is the one who initially broke away.

 

I don't feel I want to win her back as a lover but I would still like to offer her friendship (and I think I'd still enjoy that too). Is this so wrong?

But that would involve me breaking NC.

Question: is no contact still appropriate when BOTH parties are ready to split. It's not as though I'm trying to win her back. I have in fact already started dating, casually.

[Downtown]

I feel sorry for her, especially if she has BPD too, I guess she needs (professional) help.

If you decide she is exhibiting strong BPD traits, you should feel sorry for her because it means her emotional development likely is frozen at the level of a young child. Yet, as with a misbehaving spoiled child, it is important -- for her own welfare -- that she be held fully accountable for her own bad choices and bad behaviors. Otherwise, you would be harming her by destroying her opportunities to confront her own issues and to learn how to acquire the missing emotional skills. Being "an enabler" is not doing her any favors.

 

I don't feel I want to win her back as a lover but I would still like to offer her friendship (and I think I'd still enjoy that too). Is this so wrong?

The problem is that it is not "wrong" but, rather, unworkable. If she exhibits strong and persistent BPD behaviors, she likely is incapable of trusting you for any extended period. As you know, trust is the foundation on which all friendships -- and all close LTRs -- must be built. Absent this foundation, your relationship with her will collapse. When a person is unable to trust you, she will eventually turn on you -- as this woman has already done several times.

[dangerous]

And I'll have a good read up on BPD.

[aloneinaz]

If you decide she is exhibiting strong BPD traits, you should feel sorry for her because it means her emotional development likely is frozen at the level of a young child. Yet, as with a misbehaving spoiled child, it is important -- for her own welfare -- that she be held fully accountable for her own bad choices and bad behaviors. Otherwise, you would be harming her by destroying her opportunities to confront her own issues and to learn how to acquire the missing emotional skills. Being "an enabler" is not doing her any favors.

 

The problem is that it is not "wrong" but, rather, unworkable. If she exhibits strong and persistent BPD behaviors, she likely is incapable of trusting you for any extended period. As you know, trust is the foundation on which all friendships -- and all close LTRs -- must be built. Absent this foundation, your relationship with her will collapse. When a person is unable to trust you, she will eventually turn on you -- as this woman has already done several times.

 

Agree ^^

 

I'll add that in general, you can't transition from a lover relationship back to a platonic friendship. It simply doesn't work, especially when one or the other still has strong feelings and emotions for the other.

 

You'd be miles ahead in accepting that you dodged a bullet here. Then, healing from it and moving forward in meeting someone new.

[dangerous]

Today is exactly a week since we split for good. I dont want her back but I do feel pretty hurt that she's done the 'no contact' on me. Because we split mutually this time I personally don't see the need for total NC. I'm actually very sad that the amazing and beautiful 6 months we had seems to have been overshadowed now by the last bad month and hostility of this last week.

 

Because I dont hear from her I don't know for sure but I can only guess she's either hurting badly or bitter - or both. But I accept there's nothing more for me to do.

 

And that time and space will heal me, a little more each day.

[whatnot]

If we do get back together..[edit].."

I'm not sure what this means. But, I know what it doesn't mean. It doesn't mean that your 20 year marriages do not doom this relationship. One man's opinion...

 

Good luck to you both

 

 

My prophesy came true before I could read the whole thread.

 

 

Sorry.....

Edited October 1, 2016 by whatnot

[dangerous]

whatnot, I don't understand your comment. Are you saying because I have a 20 year marriage behind me I can't have a successful new relationship?

[dangerous]

Downtown,

Great advice - I've read the threads about BPD and I can see a lot of it in our situation: Her behavior and my codependency.

Whilst labeling and amateur diagnosis is a slippery slope, it does help me identify how and why some of the events happened the way they did and importantly it's helping me come to terms with the reality that I just couldn't do anything differently except perhaps not get sucked in so quickly snd intensely and to accept that it had to end, and better sooner than later.

I need to concentrate on rebuilding myself not post mortem of past relationship.

Thank you.

[Downtown]

Whilst labeling and amateur diagnosis is a slippery slope, it does help me identify how and why some of the events happened....

Dangerous, I'm glad to hear you found the information helpful. As to your discussion of BPD symptoms being "a slippery slope" to "amateur diagnosis," I wouldn't worry about that. What you've been doing here is learning to identify behavioral symptoms (i.e., warning signs) and learning to replace street language with educated terms. You are nowhere near trying to diagnose BPD.

 

The reason is that nobody on the planet can do a real diagnosis of BPD or any other PD. That would require professionals to identify its underlying cause, which is yet unproven. All discussions of BPD traits, then, are simply descriptions of behavioral symptoms. Those symptoms do not describe the traits or characteristics of the underlying disorder causing the symptoms. Hence, discussing BPD behavioral symptoms is not an attempt to diagnose the underlying disorder -- i.e., not in the way the term "diagnose" is used in every medical field.

 

Importantly, you don't go to a medical doctor to be told what symptoms you have. Instead, YOU tell the doctor all about your symptoms. Similarly, when you go to an auto repair shop, you don't go to be told about your car's symptoms. Rather, YOU tell the repairman what problems the car is exhibiting and he diagnoses the situation to tell you what is causing those symptoms to occur.

 

Hence, whereas diagnosing a cause is the province of professionals, describing and identifying symptoms is the province of laymen (i.e., the client seeking help). This is why, when a patient is unable to identify disease symptoms, that disease is said to be "asymptomatic," i.e., "without symptoms."

 

By definition, then, symptoms are traits that laymen are able to spot -- without trying to diagnose anything. This is why hundreds of mental institutions and hospitals describe the symptoms for NPD and BPD on their public websites. They know that, when laymen are able to spot these symptoms, they are far more likely to seek treatment -- for themselves or for their loved ones -- and to do so much sooner.

[TooRational]

Let me suggest that you read up a little bit on attachment styles theory too. The most often recommended book is Attached by Amir Levine. You seem to have some of the anxious-preoccupied style characteristics (I do too). That book will help you identify compatible partners while you date. The one type to avoid for you is the dismissive-avoidant type, because they'll never be able to fulfill your need for a very close relationship.

 

My last relationship was with a dismissive-avoidant also lasted 6 months. There are lots of similarities with what you experienced. Texting dwindled towards the end (she was also very busy) and when I confided my need for more contact, she saw me as needy and that was pretty much the end of it.

 

Good luck, you already seem to be recovering very well, faster than me anyways

[dangerous]

Thanks.

Too rational. I read your story, and yes lots of similarities. I was/am needy, and that put her off. But what I realised is that she has the bigger problem. She can't do commitment. I can, I just need the right woman. Now therein lies the challenge, but it will be fun trying to find that lady

Keep strong. It's a battle, but one day at a time.