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Should he have paid the 2nd date? Why isnt he asking me out for 3rd yet? [updated]

aSadGirl

By aSadGirl
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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aSadGirl Established Member

aSadGirl

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Please people... i don´t want advice on how to move on, delete block and that... I wish you to tell me what i can say or do to get him back!?

 

Especially i wish to erase the mistake of calling him coward and not man enough for me + goodbye... those words felt like i burned the bridge back ;(

 

Can i say that im sorry and just wish him a great vacay and that id be happy to try to rekindle things when he is back on a fresh note if he´d like to or what?

 

</3

LD1990 Established Member

LD1990

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Please people... i don´t want advice on how to move on, delete block and that... I wish you to tell me what i can say or do to get him back!?

 

Especially i wish to erase the mistake of calling him coward and not man enough for me + goodbye... those words felt like i burned the bridge back ;(

 

Can i say that im sorry and just wish him a great vacay and that id be happy to try to rekindle things when he is back on a fresh note if he´d like to or what?

 

</3

 

Your words didn't burn any bridge back, because there never was a bridge back. He was already ignoring you and you barely saw him because of his many supposed illnesses and injuries. He just wasn't into you. People here told you this over and over.

 

You will be much happier if you take some time to work on yourself and cool it with the dating. That may not be the advice you want, but you can't say anything to get this guy back or get the kind of relationship you want with him.

Scarlett.O'hara Established Member

Scarlett.O'hara

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Please people... i don´t want advice on how to move on, delete block and that... I wish you to tell me what i can say or do to get him back!?

 

Especially i wish to erase the mistake of calling him coward and not man enough for me + goodbye... those words felt like i burned the bridge back ;(

 

Can i say that im sorry and just wish him a great vacay and that id be happy to try to rekindle things when he is back on a fresh note if he´d like to or what?

 

</3

 

 

The only way he might want you back if you completely disappear from his life and he realizes that he made a mistake by taking you for granted. If he can't see you on social media and doesn't receive any messages he may start to miss the attention.

 

For the record, you did not make a mistake ditching the guy. His behavior was rude and thoughtless. He needed to learn that he can't get away with it.

 

Right now you need to be strong and and gain your confidence back. Do not let this guy mess with your head and do not apologize and be a doormat. He was in the wrong, not you. Let him know how it feels to be ignored and start going on dates with other guys.

 

I can see that you have strong feelings for this guy, but I have to ask, have you considered the possibility that he might have been using you as a backup? Would it make a difference if you knew that he could see your messages and was laughing at them?

 

I don't know about you, but I would never date someone who was that heartless.

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ohleahmarie Member

ohleahmarie

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Girlie, the advice you're getting from us is what's best for you. That guy sounds awful. He is not into you, I promise. If he was, you'd know it. He'd be texting you. He wouldn't ghost you. He wouldn't have done any of the crap he's done to you.

 

Move on, sweetie. He's not even close to worth it.

  • Like 1
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Please people... i don´t want advice on how to move on, delete block and that... I wish you to tell me what i can say or do to get him back!?

 

Especially i wish to erase the mistake of calling him coward and not man enough for me + goodbye... those words felt like i burned the bridge back ;(

 

Can i say that im sorry and just wish him a great vacay and that id be happy to try to rekindle things when he is back on a fresh note if he´d like to or what?

 

</3

 

I don't think there is a poster here that would even think of telling you how to get him back even if there were words or a way. The fact is that you shouldn't want him back!!!! and he shouldn't entertain it either.

 

And, if he did choose to ignore what you said, I would say that HE also has a serious problem. No healthy, intelligent, secure, confident man would accept and forgive that kind of treatment. It's abusive!!!! I'm sorry, I am a woman, and I've said this before, I am embarrassed as a woman that you said that to him. It's unacceptable.

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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While this forum is designed to be a support system, it's not a place where behavior that, quite frankly, borders on delusion, will or should be enabled.

 

This guy has fed you excuses that even gullible children would push back on. Much like your other mega thread, you show a real unwillingness to engage reality when it doesn't jive with what you want. You shouldn't date this guy, and honestly, you shouldn't be dating at all until you do something about your self-esteem and establish some boundaries.

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aSadGirl Established Member

aSadGirl

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I don't think there is a poster here that would even think of telling you how to get him back even if there were words or a way. The fact is that you shouldn't want him back!!!! and he shouldn't entertain it either.

 

And, if he did choose to ignore what you said, I would say that HE also has a serious problem. No healthy, intelligent, secure, confident man would accept and forgive that kind of treatment. It's abusive!!!! I'm sorry, I am a woman, and I've said this before, I am embarrassed as a woman that you said that to him. It's unacceptable.

 

 

Ok I get your point, but which do you mean is bad treatment, for him to ignore me? What exactly do you mean is abusive? Me or him?

 

What do you mean you´re embarassed that i said to him?

Edited by aSadGirl
Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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Well, you said he wasn't "man enough" for you, which is probably one of the last things a guy wants to hear, whether you mean it or not.

 

You don't seem to understand that words can be damaging, whether you mean them or you don't, whether they're said in the heat of the moment or whether they're calculated and thought out.

  • Like 1
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aSadGirl Established Member

aSadGirl

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Well, you said he wasn't "man enough" for you, which is probably one of the last things a guy wants to hear, whether you mean it or not.

 

You don't seem to understand that words can be damaging, whether you mean them or you don't, whether they're said in the heat of the moment or whether they're calculated and thought out.

 

:( I know.. i said it.. i admit, it was stupid in the heat of the moment to do.

 

How about me sending him this text now?

 

"I'm sorry, I did not mean what I said. I realize Ive been too pushy while you were overloaded.

I should have given more space as I want to want the best for you and you being happy!

So I wish you have a great vacay and I hope that we can find the way back to each other, as I want to continue the fine connection we have built up since summer that felt so good. I believe in us :) I but if you don´t want anything more I respect that."

 

how about that???

DarrenB Established Member

DarrenB

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I'll leave this here. Feel free to reflect on it.

 

This is best described in the story of the broken plate. A mother had a son who had an extremely bad temper. He would often do or say some of the most hurtful things. After which he truly seemed repentant. No matter what the mother did she could not get the child to think before he reacted. One day while washing dishes she had a great idea. She called her son into the room with her and handed him a glass plate. “Throw that plate on the ground” she instructed the young man. After some encouragement the young man did as he was told. As expected the plate broke into several pieces. “Now let’s glue this plate back together” her mother said. So they worked together for quite some time and had the plate looking pretty close to its original state, although a few cracks and chips were still visible. “Now say you’re sorry to this plate” the mother said. The child looked confused but saw his mother was serious. So he said his apology. “Now is the plate good as new?” she asked. The child shook his head no because although it was back together it would never look the same. The mother went on to explain that is what we do to the hearts of our loved ones when we are angry. Although the pain can be mended and apologies can be given they relationship will never be able to be put back together the same again.

 

So the next time you are in a heated debate with your spouse, friend, coworker before you say the well crafted biting reply you have been working on, think of the story of the broken plate and ask yourself is it really worth the damage that can never be undone?

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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Look, I feel bad, because it's blatantly clear that you have almost no self-esteem.

 

The poor boundaries and low-bar you have set your standards for other men is precisely why you have been treated like you are disposable.

 

Simply put, secure people filter out the kind of people you're chasing. They don't double down when faced with clear truths and keep pushing. And you're still talking about contacting him!

 

He's not interested in you. OK? I couldn't even finish some of your posts in this thread because I felt such second-hand embarrassment. Stop doing this to yourself! No well-adjusted person could read this thread and truly think that this guy had any interest in a true relationship with you.

 

I mean, you've been out with him 8 times in four months? I spend time with people I *don't* like more than that. If this guy was interested in you above a backup plan to a backup plan, you wouldn't be seeing him on average of twice a month. He wouldn't be coming up with the absolute lamest excuses for his lack of communication.

 

Do you know of any long-term, serious, healthy relationship that started with four months of the nonsense you've posted in this thread?

 

Your cellar-dwelling self-esteem in tandem with your obsession with not being the "crazy cat lady" have totally blinded you from what literally everyone else here can clearly see: He does not want you.

 

I'm sorry. But stop dragging this madness out and figure out why you are so accepting of a situation that is so clearly wrong.

  • Like 3
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aSadGirl Established Member

aSadGirl

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I mean, you've been out with him 8 times in four months?

 

 

No,we met 12 times in four months, one of them he dissapeared due to no phone internet etc.. and also travelling, sometimes we have met every other day, and another time every 3-weeks.. its been diffrent but yeah..

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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Talk about missing the forest for the trees. Yeesh.

 

My main points still apply, your correction notwithstanding.

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aSadGirl Established Member

aSadGirl

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ok, i might be bad at repliying to everyones last comments but im readying everything twice! and thinking about it.. taking it to consideration..

 

ive realised i got the Anxious attachement style which means i need more reassurment than a normal person.. i have s list o examples in my head of what i shouldt have dont.. like seeking validation for my "excersising of the body. i asked him if i look fitter" etc.. but that is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

I think he got a stable secure style but trending towards avoidant... as he just dissapeared witouth a trace and seem bad at handling emotions.. have a hard time expressing them.

 

I hear you all out but what im really am interested in is if i can say something to make him come back?

 

Perhaps this?

"I wrote the last text cause i didnt think clearly, but i dont want it to be over. I realisie i had been to pushy and you overloaded,. I should´ve gave you more space you seem to need, cause i want your best and happiness!

So i wish you a great vacation, and hope we can find our way back to each other cause i want to continue what we have built up since summer which felt very good. I believe in us :) but if you don´t want the same I respect it"

 

 

I really dont want it to be over </3 I love him so much so please help me with tips<3

 

Meanwhile i see him upload tons of happy sunny vacation photos/videoclips :( it kills me that he will be home 1 week then travel 2 more again... i miss him so bad, but the worst part is im afraid ill never see him again if i dont do something quickly?

 

I want to keepthe no contact rule to make it cool down but the problem is that because i wrote "coward, you are not man enough for me, so i delete you everywhere now. goodbye" is very hars words im afraid i dont know how to take back...

PLEASE HELP ME GET HIM BACK <3333333333

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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Please leave this guy alone. He does not want you and his interest in you was tepid at best from the very start. Between this thread and your own from earlier this year, you seem to have a loose grip on reality when it comes to your romantic interests.

 

I'll reiterate that you should not be dating, because you have a ton of self-image issues to work through first before you can be part of a healthy relationship.

 

No one can help you get him back, because this guy does not want you. You may be infatuated with him, but it's insulting to say that you love him. You barely know him.

  • Like 5
  • 3 weeks later...
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aSadGirl Established Member

aSadGirl

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I thought about sending another apologizing text for weeks, so after chaning the text like 100 times this is unfortunately what i sent 23:30 ó clock right before NewYears fireworks (because i was drunk i just wanted to connect somehow and stop waiting to press the send button):

 

"Happy new year! How are you celebrating? :)

I didn´t thought clearly when I wrote so fiery last text. Realize I have been too pushy and you probably overloaded by all :/

I thought that we for the most part seemed to have it fun, cozy and special so it came as a shock to me when you chose to end so abruptly :( Please tell me how it could turn out like that..

I hope you atleast had it good on the Thailand-vacation-trip and heard dolphin songs ;)

Thanks for all the good you brought me, I value it highly!

All the best :'* "

 

Now..the dolphin songs was just an inside-joke cause he listened to my stomach the almost last date at my place and said my stomach make fun noices and that there excist "whale-song, doplhin-song, and stomach-song" and he laughed and held/caressed me a lot despite his teasing.. so i just tried to bring him back to that happy memory of ours.. so i just tried to rekindle nostalgia.

 

Also, the :'* signs at the end should´ve been a "kiss-smiley" :-* but i was drunk and wrote :'* which is no smiley just some frills... but perhaps for the best, because:

 

NEXT DAY (1st january) I saw a girl he have liked a lot of pictures of on instagram (and just a few weeks added on facebook) put up a pic FROM HIS BALCHONY VIEW ON NEW YEARS EVE with fireworks around with the text

"A good ending of 2016 and an even better beginning of 2017"

 

I was so chocked and devastaded they might have a relationship! Because my guessing is he had her over to celebrate new years evening :( i hope it was just a party, but i see no more pictures from this night so my guess is only SHE was there.. which would be legitime since he came back from thailand 27th december so there wasnt many days to plan a new-year party...

 

So now i guess i´ve blown it all? I hate myself right now for all that ive done wrong and it feels like no way back - or is there any chance at all to get him back at this point?

He is leaving tomorrow to carribeans for 2 weeks with his family.. my 28-th birthday is in a few days and i guess i cant hope for any congratulation then either... I feel like its all doomed and im embaressed for not being able to handle this situation better so that he would gain interest back.

 

Is there anything more i should say to him now to raise the chance of him coming back to me? <3

 

I hope you people can stop being so blaming and looking down on me... because I love him, so please understand that it´s not easy to just "move on" when there´s these feelings involved!

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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Is there anything more i should say to him now to raise the chance of him coming back to me? <3

 

There is no chance of getting him back. You need to accept that it is over.

 

I hope you people can stop being so blaming and looking down on me... because I love him, so please understand that it´s not easy to just "move on" when there´s these feelings involved!

 

You don't love him. Love isn't obsessive. Don't confuse your toxic attachment for love. Most times when these type of situations cause us to react intensely, we mistake it for love. It's not love. It's a manifestation of your attachment issues.

 

"Feelings" =Unhealthy feelings. Just because you have feelings it does not mean it's a situation to keep holding onto. Feelings DO NOT justify staying in a damaging situation.

 

It would be best for you to work on yourself, stay away from men and invest rebuilding your self-esteem and if you don't you'll keep falling into these situations.

Edited by Zahara
  • Like 1
IfonlyIknew Established Member

IfonlyIknew

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This ship has sailed far far away, please don't torture yourself anymore. If he wants you, he will find you.

  • Like 1
Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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You need to hear this: You are making a total fool of yourself.

 

None of us can help you "get him back," because he is a free-thinking person, capable of making his own decisions; not some object to be obtained.

 

He doesn't want you. Your obsessiveness, quite frankly, is unsettling.

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aSadGirl Established Member

aSadGirl

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There is no chance of getting him back. You need to accept that it is over.

 

 

 

You don't love him. Love isn't obsessive. Don't confuse your toxic attachment for love. Most times when these type of situations cause us to react intensely, we mistake it for love. It's not love. It's a manifestation of your attachment issues.

 

"Feelings" =Unhealthy feelings. Just because you have feelings it does not mean it's a situation to keep holding onto. Feelings DO NOT justify staying in a damaging situation.

 

It would be best for you to work on yourself, stay away from men and invest rebuilding your self-esteem and if you don't you'll keep falling into these situations.

 

Why is there no way to get him back!???

 

How do you mean i should rebuild my self-esteem? I have gotten that advice from so many but no one is telling me how to do it! :(

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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You aren't going to get him back because he's gone and he was never that interested to begin with.

 

Between this thread and your thread from last spring, it seems as though you latch on to some guys easily and imagine that there's this deep connection and strong compatibility when the proof of that is really not in the pudding.

 

You can improve your self esteem by establishing some boundaries. You seem to have none, or at the very least, you have poorly-defined boundaries.

 

An example of a strong boundary would be, "I will not chase after someone who does not want me."

  • Like 7
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aSadGirl Established Member

aSadGirl

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You aren't going to get him back because he's gone and he was never that interested to begin with.

 

Between this thread and your thread from last spring, it seems as though you latch on to some guys easily and imagine that there's this deep connection and strong compatibility when the proof of that is really not in the pudding.

 

You can improve your self esteem by establishing some boundaries. You seem to have none, or at the very least, you have poorly-defined boundaries.

 

An example of a strong boundary would be, "I will not chase after someone who does not want me."

 

 

:( I see...

 

well, i did try to set bounderies such as telling him its no ok to tell me he will call me a certain day and not do it... or its not okey to be late to dates... but other than that its hard as i felt he did want me at some points.. since we have been on 12 dates it must meant something...

its not easy to "not care" when there is feelings involved</3

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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Why is there no way to get him back!???

 

How do you mean i should rebuild my self-esteem? I have gotten that advice from so many but no one is telling me how to do it! :(

 

Why? Because he is not interested in you. You can't force someone to be interested in you. And your behavior will send any man running for the hills. You're dependent, obsessive and needy. He knows that and no man wants to deal with that type of behavior.

 

You've received many, many posts on how to rebuild your self-esteem. Go back and read your threads. You fail to have any introspection. You rattle on and on, blindly running into walls. It's so apparent in the way you communicate here.

 

You're so caught up in this lalaland of love that nothing anyone is saying is registering in your brain.

  • Like 4
Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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:( I see...

 

well, i did try to set bounderies such as telling him its no ok to tell me he will call me a certain day and not do it... or its not okey to be late to dates... but other than that its hard as i felt he did want me at some points.. since we have been on 12 dates it must meant something...

its not easy to "not care" when there is feelings involved</3

 

Yes, he wanted you. But not for reasons that were based on creating a genuine connection with you. It was sex, company, fun, etc.

 

Feelings are feelings. But when someone is treating you in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself, then "feelings" take a backseat and you hold onto your self-respect. You create a boundary that protects you from falling further into pain.

 

Feelings do not justify chasing a man that does not want to be with you.

clia Established Member

clia

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:( I see...

 

well, i did try to set bounderies such as telling him its no ok to tell me he will call me a certain day and not do it... or its not okey to be late to dates... but other than that its hard as i felt he did want me at some points.. since we have been on 12 dates it must meant something...

its not easy to "not care" when there is feelings involved</3

 

I can't even believe this thread is still going. :eek:

 

He is not interested in you and you are making a fool of yourself. You have to move on. You have no choice.

 

The examples you describe above are not "setting boundaries." They are examples of why you don't have boundaries. You don't have to tell a guy who is interested in you that he needs to call you. You don't have to tell a guy who is interested in you that he needs to be on time. These are blazing red flags of a guy who is not that interested in you, but you stuck around. Actual boundary setting behavior would be to move on when he behaved like this. But I can't even hate this guy -- he's been abundantly clear from the beginning that he didn't want to date you seriously.

 

Here's another protip -- don't send guys endless pictures and quotes. They don't like that. I suffered secondhand embarrassment reading all the crap you sent this guy, and I can clearly picture him shuddering and deleting the message immediately.

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