I'm new here and need people to talk to, ending marriage with wife = sad.

[Dan1977]

I know you are pretty young and this hurts a great deal, but be very happy that you are not raising children with this person.

 

This is amazingly well worded I have to say, one of the first truths i will tell you about this what you have written, I am very sensitive to writing and can tell this is just natural and honest, and i like reading that.

 

I am thankful I don't have kids with her, now. I wanted them more than anything with her, and part of me is still trying to let that go, other women have offered it to me within a week of meeting them, and she was married to me and still showed me nothing. I don't understand women who don't have that natural emotionality to them and want to care for someone, something. I do and I'm a man, and i take care of kids, men, women, everyone.

 

I am emotionally developed, I won't lie, I'm not like other men and every single woman I meet tells me this. i think i could be a woman even - that's a joke btw as I'm still a bloke - I'm so good at it. better than my 'woman' wife in fact who was so closed it is amazing. I can't stand it, I really can't. I promised myself i'd never be with someone like this, in this situation and that i was smarter, and yet here i am due to love and loyalty and compassion. I need to stop but will take my time.

 

I feel for the women on here too btw, you are right.

[Dan1977]

How old are you and your wife?

 

@elaine567

 

I just turned 39yo, she just turned 33yo. I know I've heard many theories about things, this is an age for women to get depression, this is where they change, she may change still and want babies (but of course the next guy gets to enjoy that with her after i did all the hard work), and that she is unstable. i have a woman friend in her forties and she says she is going through things and doesn't even know how to understand or deal with them and to feel sorry for her, which, I have. But she damages me daily as a result of being around her like this. And I'm a nice guy.

[tojaz]

I was blindsided, but kinda knew deep down if I'm totally honest, now I look down on her in a bad way, probably because I'm hurt at my core.

 

If that's the case then she is showing her true colors now, what you thought you were marrying wasn't real.

 

Not that this was something she did maliciously to you, there are many reasons things like this happen, it could have been something she had hoped to sustain, qualities she would have liked to posses but did not. Honestly you will probably never know for sure.

 

Although it hurts, I think you know what comes next since she has made no moves towards you. Be glad this came out before kids were involved.

[MJJean]

My DH is also a man who is very in touch with his emotional/feminine side. If you and he are as alike as I suspect, I'd bet you have difficulty letting go after a relationship ends. Your marriage has ended. It's time to let go. The only way you are going to be able to let go and move on is if you file for the divorce and go totally no contact with your STBXW. No talking, texting, visiting, social media stalking...nothing. No contact of any kind, at all, ever.

[Dan1977]

My DH is also a man who is very in touch with his emotional/feminine side. If you and he are as alike as I suspect, I'd bet you have difficulty letting go after a relationship ends. Your marriage has ended. It's time to let go. The only way you are going to be able to let go and move on is if you file for the divorce and go totally no contact with your STBXW. No talking, texting, visiting, social media stalking...nothing. No contact of any kind, at all, ever.

 

I hear you, but it's way too early. We still haven't sorted out what's hapening with the house, ca,r pets, life in general or even talked properly and have been on the same page that it's ending, she wants it to work and is in denial, i see what it is. I do find it hard to let go you're right.

[Dan1977]

If Be glad this came out before kids were involved.

 

I agree, I've been pretty lucky maybe with that, but she was dead set against having them and made sure she was always super over the top on contraception and paranoid about it, made me feel pretty awesome she hated the idea of kids so much with me since i am an amazing guy/father to kids as she put it. blah.

[elaine567]

My guess is that she is the product of her upbringing partly, but she is also a woman and my guess is that she is torn, hence all the emotional instability, the confusion, the rebellion and the lashing out.

 

After 6 years of dating the next step was marriage and no doubt she got into the swing of it, the planning, the dresses, the holiday, she was the centre of attention, it was exciting and new, but back to normality, reality hit.

She is trapped and she doesn't like it one little bit, but part of her realises she has a good thing going and she shouldn't give it up, hence she is torn. Her emotions are all over the place, one minute she is going to be the good little wife forever and ever, the next she wants to be swinging from chandeliers. She loves you and hates you at the same time.

 

She was always like that. It's a cycle, I attack as am hurt by her, she retreats and self-hates, I go into protection mode.

 

She hurts you and YOU ATTACK and that is probably a big part of the problem too.

Prince Charming is not supposed to "attack", he is her protector and the man she adores, so she takes that really badly and retreats into her shell. (I guess this part is due to childhood conditioning, to protect herself, she retreats away from conflict).

 

She then finds it difficult to maintain any emotional connection, she withdraws and she doesn't want sex.

 

YOU on the other hand are also feeling hurt, your "attack" was justified and you did it to clear the air. You got that off your chest, so you then want to reconnect and that of course means sex.

But she isn't playing, she is still in her shell or she has taken herself off to self medicate her hurt with partying.

She gives you the finger, she at that time hates you for what you did, and she doesn't forget either.

So whilst you do not really remember what happened a few days later, she stores up her resentment and it can fester for years.

You feel isolated without the sex, you want to feel close, she sees you as a sex obsessed "attacker", someone who doesn't understand her, someone who goes for her jugular, someone who just wants to get his end away, she wants to put distance between you. She feels even more trapped and conflicted too. She wants you, yet she doesn't want you.

You, no doubt feeling hurt and rejected, get sarky and snide.

Things go from bad to worse...

[elaine567]

I agree, I've been pretty lucky maybe with that, but she was dead set against having them and made sure she was always super over the top on contraception and paranoid about it, made me feel pretty awesome she hated the idea of kids so much with me since i am an amazing guy/father to kids as she put it. blah.

 

Do you have kids with someone else?

Is this your first marriage?

[Downtown]

It is my opinion that she has some serious core issues.

Dan, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, low self esteem, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

...a bad childhood and family core.

In a large 2008 study, 70% of the BPDers (those having strong traits) reported that they had been abused or abandoned in childhood. Granted, most abused children do not develop BPD. Abuse and neglect nonetheless greatly raise the risk for doing so.

 

...complex esteem issues.

BPDers suffer from low self esteem and self loathing -- feelings they have been carrying since early childhood. The result is that they usually avoid taking responsibility for any of their shortcomings or misdeeds. The last thing a BPDer wants to find is one more thing to add to the long list of things she hates about herself. Instead, she usually will think of herself as "The Victim," always "The Victim."

 

...rage.

Rage is not a defining trait for bipolar. In contrast, 3 of the 9 defining traits for BPD contain the word "rage" or "anger."

 

She has punched me in the face before.

If your W has strong and persistent BPD traits, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

...non-emotionalism. I have seen it displayed in her siblings, they all suffer from not being emotional but also flip and go off and can't deal when presented with normal life challenges.

The vast majority of BPDers turn their anger outward into a display of drama and emotionalism. Indeed, the key defining trait for BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions. This is why most BPDers show their anger outwardly. However, a small share of BPDers -- I would guess 5% to 10% -- show the outward rages only a small part of the time. Most of the time they turn their anger inward upon themselves. Not surprisingly, these BPDers are called "quiet borderlines" or "waif borderlines."

 

Significantly, their being "quiet" much of the time does not mean their partners are not punished. These BPDers typically punish their partners with snide remarks, icy silence, and cold withdrawal. But the anger will occasionally be expressed outward in the form of rage or a temper tantrum.

 

[she] acts completely stable and normal the rest of the time.

If she is a BPDer, that is to be expected. The vast majority of BPDers are high functioning. This means they usually display the anger or icy withdrawals only when you inadvertently trigger one of their two great fears: abandonment and engulfment.

 

And this means they usually get along fine with casual friends, business associates, clients, and total strangers. None of those people are able to trigger the BPDer's two fears unless they make the mistake of drawing close. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the engulfment fear.

 

She just turned 33yo. I know I've heard many theories about things, this is an age for women to get depression, this is where they change

Menopause starts at age 51 on average. Peri-menopause typically starts in the 40s but can start in the 30s. Hopefully, what you're seeing is only a hormone problem, which would mean it is likely temporary. That seems very unlikely, however, given that you say she had a terrible childhood and all the other siblings exhibit the same emotional instability and intolerance of intimacy.

 

Never again if i can help it. That's what i need to try and learn rationally.

Dan, I suggest you learn to spot the 18 BPD Warning Signs. If you decide that your W is exhibiting most of those behavioral traits at a strong level, you can protect yourself by staying away -- and by not running into the arms of another woman just like her.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, icy withdrawal, and temper tantrums.

[tojaz]

I agree, I've been pretty lucky maybe with that, but she was dead set against having them and made sure she was always super over the top on contraception and paranoid about it, made me feel pretty awesome she hated the idea of kids so much with me since i am an amazing guy/father to kids as she put it. blah.

 

I wouldn't take that too personally Dan. There are plenty of women who find that they do not have that desire or maternal instinct in them. My ex was like that while i had always pictured myself being a father.

 

Problem didn't arise from that difference though, it was because she hid that from me and played the role she thought she was supposed to play. Love leads to Marriage, Marriage leads to children like it was law, an obligation. Or to use her own words "It's just what your supposed to do"

 

I didn't really see things that way though, marriage wasn't a contract for me, I didn't get married for the purpose of producing children, that was just one of several possible outcomes that we could have decided on together. If we took a different path I would have probably been a little disappointed, but I wasn't about to sacrifice my marriage for it.

 

Every one's different though and has different priorities.

 

she wants it to work and is in denial,

 

Didn't get that from your other posts. What are her views on the marriage if shes voiced them to you?

[central]

Really, nothing more needs to be said. This is a toxic, dysfunctional relationship and you should get out of it ASAP.

[LancasterAmos1966]

I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, icy withdrawal, and temper tantrums.

 

 

Donwtown, thank you for taking the time to post this info. I've read about this topic, but you bring it down to my level.

[Dan1977]

You are an insightful woman, I can see all your points, thank you.

 

She is torn, and going through crazy stuff she doesn't even know how to work out, but yes you are right, and all I read is it is the end. I never want anyone to have to be attacked or retreat or feel like any of this? Who would? No way. I'm better than that.

 

Her behavior is massively hurtful to me, even the simplest stupid things now like a picture on Facebook with a guy who is a doosh. It has gotten so bad now, so much resentment and hate.

 

This has been building for years, she did switch on for the wedding, but didn't even look at me during the service, or want to make love to me on our wedding night, all things that are red flags for me but I endured.

 

She can't even remember our anniversary, or dates, she attacks me back defending herself for not being there on my birthday because she was stoned leaving me feeling rejected again, and then asks for the house key on my birthday and walks off on me, it's all really bad, but next minute she texts me saying she loves me out of nowhere? It is really messed up.

 

I don't have any other kids, or marriages, this was it, she seemed stable and reliable, and I have abandonment issues. She was even worse for me than the other women in the end.

 

She has absolutely no idea and is oblivious, I am about to attack again/defend and delete everyone on Facebook and change my number and start dating, then finally people might get it.

 

I was a great husband. I loved her more than anyone ever could have and know her, now it has come to me retreating away.

 

 

My guess is that she is the product of her upbringing partly, but she is also a woman and my guess is that she is torn, hence all the emotional instability, the confusion, the rebellion and the lashing out.

 

After 6 years of dating the next step was marriage and no doubt she got into the swing of it, the planning, the dresses, the holiday, she was the centre of attention, it was exciting and new, but back to normality, reality hit.

She is trapped and she doesn't like it one little bit, but part of her realises she has a good thing going and she shouldn't give it up, hence she is torn. Her emotions are all over the place, one minute she is going to be the good little wife forever and ever, the next she wants to be swinging from chandeliers. She loves you and hates you at the same time.

 

 

 

She hurts you and YOU ATTACK and that is probably a big part of the problem too.

Prince Charming is not supposed to "attack", he is her protector and the man she adores, so she takes that really badly and retreats into her shell. (I guess this part is due to childhood conditioning, to protect herself, she retreats away from conflict).

 

She then finds it difficult to maintain any emotional connection, she withdraws and she doesn't want sex.

 

YOU on the other hand are also feeling hurt, your "attack" was justified and you did it to clear the air. You got that off your chest, so you then want to reconnect and that of course means sex.

But she isn't playing, she is still in her shell or she has taken herself off to self medicate her hurt with partying.

She gives you the finger, she at that time hates you for what you did, and she doesn't forget either.

So whilst you do not really remember what happened a few days later, she stores up her resentment and it can fester for years.

You feel isolated without the sex, you want to feel close, she sees you as a sex obsessed "attacker", someone who doesn't understand her, someone who goes for her jugular, someone who just wants to get his end away, she wants to put distance between you. She feels even more trapped and conflicted too. She wants you, yet she doesn't want you.

You, no doubt feeling hurt and rejected, get sarky and snide.

Things go from bad to worse...

[Friskyone4u]

Dan,

 

I am sorry for your situation, but so far you have gotten a lot of medical diagnosis or suggestion of it about your wife;s mental conditions.

 

Maybe I missed it and if so, I apologize, but no one I do not believe has taken the time to ask you who this guy or guys she is "hanging out" with is. She is obviously posting stuff on FB indicating she is not with all female friends out overnight or without any accountability to you sitting at home there.

 

While some of the other may be correct in their diagnosis , that does not change the fact that your wife is involved in some manner with other men or man and that elephant in the room can not be ignored. Denial can be your worst enemy in sorting this out.

 

CENTRAL just gave vyou some good advice with no strings attached. You are young, have no children, and have a wife who is most likely cheating on you, and is showing enough red flags to start a bull fighting school.

 

Now your first thing you really need to do is get to the bottom of who she is spending these parrty times with. And do not assume you are getting the truth. Once you have a clue what she is really doing, then maybe you can address how to fix it.

 

Right now you have a wife who is leaving you sitting at home and being single. Is that how you really want to live???

 

I am sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but the problem ain't going away

[Mr. Lucky]

This has been building for years, she did switch on for the wedding, but didn't even look at me during the service, or want to make love to me on our wedding night, all things that are red flags for me but I endured.

 

Is your wife a US citizen? Is there a large disparity in your financial backgrounds and current monetary situation?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dan1977]

Dan,

 

Right now you have a wife who is leaving you sitting at home and being single. Is that how you really want to live???

 

I am sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but the problem ain't going away

 

Yes it is actually at a critical juncture right now, and could explode. I am waiting to talk to her but really don't want to as will come across bitter and add to her stockpile of things against me even though right now she is posting things on social media feeds with her drinking and hanging out with people she knows upsets me as they are bad for her, and for her life.

 

Tomorrow will be a bad day, I want to delete her on FB as I can't be seeing that anymore, and there will be consequences and backlash. she will get angry inevitably and think i am being bad or dramatic and this all just makes me angrier as she is the one being weird and destructive, I am just trying to protect myself, if I find out she was with someone else then that would be the next thing. Right now all i know is she is acting out like a teenager and she is a 33yo married woman. It is ridiculous.

[Dan1977]

Is your wife a US citizen? Is there a large disparity in your financial backgrounds and current monetary situation?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Everything is separated just fine, this will not be an issue other than the dogs and the wedding rings and filing for divorce which i want to right now as a final stand.

[Dan1977]

 

Didn't get that from your other posts. What are her views on the marriage if shes voiced them to you?

 

Funny enough she wrote our wedding vowels, I did everything else including show actual real emotions and talk to her, she just retreated and said she wasn't any good at it.

 

She says we can work anything out, but running around partying and doing random destructive behavior which she knows is not about me or marriage and then sanding texts saying she misses and loves me, is a bit confusing and psycho.

 

I tried and tried and tried, she didn't, so our versions of marriage are very different.

[PrettyEmily77]

Dan, my advice to you is to not worry too much about what she might or might think or be - a psychological diagnosis by strangers from a distance won't help your case at this point.

 

These things are better understood with the help of a professional and once you are out of the toxic situation anyway, which is not yet your case. All you need to know at this point is that you tried everything, it's still not working and you are therefore totally incompatible with no indication that will ever get better in the future.

 

If you feel you have exhausted all avenues and you are at the point of no return, don't return. Surround yourself with people who care about you (reach out to friends or trusted family members) and act in your best interest(your emotional well being, mainly) now.

 

You can talk it out and try and figure out the whys and hows later, from a safe place. You don't need to be under the same roof to discuss divorce plans and if you are this worried about the consequences or her reactions, get a lawyer to do it for you; this will avoid further conflict.

[Friskyone4u]

Dan,

 

Seems like you are starting to think a little rationally now. I know you are still in shock. But you MUST face reality.,

 

Dan, YOUR WIFE IS CHEATING ON YOU. A 33 year old married woman does NOT go out partying all night with other men, post the pictures on FB, and act like a teenager with no physical contact with men. And I may be wrong (some of the medical experts here can tell you) that in BPD acting out sexually is one of the things that can happen.

 

The important thing is that she is showing you the highest degree of disrespect by publically humiliating you and rubbing salt in your face, and that is the net result whether it is intended or not. And her being angry at you for deleting her on FB should be the last of your concerns.

 

Dan you are playing what is called the "pick me game" and it very rarely ends well for you.

 

Quite frankly, at this point, from what you have posted, there is really no purpose in asking her to tell you the truth. You have as much chance of that happening as you do of landing on the moon tomorrow.

 

If you have not done it ( I can't remember) you need to file for divorce. In the unlikely event there is anything to salvage here, you can stop it any time you want. Having to face the real world consequences is the only thing that may make her come back to reality. And you also need to understand if she has BPD or any mental disease other than selfishness that it does not go away and you are facing a lifetime of therapy and treatment and meds in the best of scenerios.

 

And given that you have no clue other than FB who any of these people are she is partying with other than a few work girlfriends, you will never get the truth without a polygraph as to who she is sleeping with, how many guys there have been, and who has encouraged her and cheered her on. Women behaving like her always have cheerleaders.

 

I know you do not believe it now, but in some ways you are fortunate. If you read this forum you will see how many men have WW who are lying, deceiving and HIDING what they are doing and these BH are unsure if or what is going on. Your wife is posting it on social media. YOU JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT HER ACTIONS.

 

You are now in an open marriage which you did not sign up for. You cannot end this open marriage without her active participation in stopping it. There is NOTHING in what you have posted that shows any sign that is going to happen .

 

I know and apologize. This is harsh, but you are at the point where you are spinning your wheels if you do not start to move forward and take ACTION that may trigger some change.

[oldshirt]

If she was 19 and you were 21 I'd say you need to have a fair and amicable divorce and both grow up and then if you cross paths a half dozen or so years down the road see if you are both stable enough and mature enough try again.

 

But the fact that she is 33 years old and acting this way means that this is a very toxic, dysfunctional and completely incompatible train wreck of a relationship and for your own sanity and well being, you need to get out and get away from her as fast as possible.

 

Do you honestly think for one second that she is not screwing all these guys on the beach and at these parties???????

 

You are being chumped and played a fool here. She's pulled one over on you. You didn't answer Mr Lucky's question about if she was from a different country/culture so I am going to take that as a yes.

 

She saw your nurturing and giving nature and duped you into marrying her for a roof over her head and food on the table so she could stay in the area while she goes out and parties and hooks up with other men.

 

The reason she won't/can't be intimate with you is she has no respect or esteem or attraction for you as she is attracted to the players and studs and the tan, buff party boys down at the beach.

 

She is horny and sexually active and has a vigorous sex drive - just not with you.

 

Save yourself and save what few shreds of self respect and dignity you have left and pull the ejection handle and save yourself before this whole toxic waste dump spirals into the ground in a big ball of flames.

 

Your nurturing and faithful nature and your dedication to your vows is what is endangering you now.

 

Yes you made vows and a commitment, but you were intentionally deceived and duped by someone who had no intentions of carrying out those vows and commitments to you. This was an act of fraud by a conwoman. There for your commitments and vows are now null and void and you are not obligated to uphold them.

 

Your kind and nurturing and caring nature are being used as a noose to strangle you. Save and nurture and protect yourself and grow a spine and grow some testicles and tear this leech and this parasite off of you before you are irrepairably damaged.

[tojaz]

She says we can work anything out, but running around partying and doing random destructive behavior which she knows is not about me or marriage and then sanding texts saying she misses and loves me, is a bit confusing

 

 

it's always easy to say that you can work anything out, has she made any actions that would back that up? If I remember right you had said that you were both in IC but have you been in counseling together at all? Any other actions that would suggest that she actually means what she says?

 

I usually try and avoid jumping to the conclusion that someone is cheating but to be honest, all the components are that are undeniably here. Have you ever tried accompanying her on one of her nights out? If she truly wants to work things out she should jump at the opportunity.

[Dan1977]

Dan,

 

 

Thanks for this post. I thought she would never cheat, she isn't like that. But have a sick feeling. Regardless, everything you say is right, and I'm still trying, other girls i talk to tell me dude you need to stop you've done more than enough and have tried. i am angry that she has cheerleaders, and know this is truth as well, some of our mutual friends are cheering her on even if they don't really get what that means, ultimately her being more messed up and cheating and more pain, great plan cheerleaders.

 

I have had the strangest time with the whole public shaming thing and social media, I am the only one who seems to get this in our circle of friends, everyone seems to say it is ok, normal, but it really isn't. The weekend we broke up was because I asked for an emergency crisis talk to save our marriage as she was going out all the time and ignoring me, and she came home and said instead of addressing the marriage thing she is going to a rave with her girlfriend, for a whole weekend. not only did this destroy me and our whole marriage and I was crying in pieces devastated all weekend, but she came back a day late saying her friend hooked up with someone and then posted pictures of her at a rave dancing and laughing while I was almost having a nervous breakdown at work struggling. That photo was/is a major problem for me, friends don't seem to get it, photos posted now with a guy who I know is notoriously a sleep-around sleaze in her company and who likes her, don't seem to be a problem for our friends either? I am shocked how stupid and supportive friends are in this, for me it would be simple, i'd tell my friend the same as you, it's wildly inappropriate and disrespectful.

[Jeff1690]

Dan, I think it is almost impossible to get through to a wife who has toxic friends. Almost every girlfriend my wife has is divorced. I don't know for a fact but some of the things she has said makes me feel she is getting advice on what to do from them. At one time she said I know you don't trust me but how can I trust you not to destroy the house while I am gone?

 

Really? I have never done anything remotely like that. Also why the hell would I destroy our house with our sons looking on. Beside the fact it would be immature as hell. I am sure one of her divorced friends went through this experience.

 

Her best friend is divorced has a nice home in a quiet neighborhood and does as she pleases. I am sure my wife sees this as the ultimate freedom. She has said she is tired about taking care of everybody else and wants to do things for herself. As if I stood in her way in the past. I have always supported her in what ever she wanted to do.

[Friskyone4u]

Dan,

 

I am assuming these friends who she has cheerleading are not married also. Again, each time you post, it becomes more clear that you MUST get to an attorney and get those papers in her hand ASAP.

 

Dan do you really believe that her friend hooked up with a guy and she went sightseeing for that extra day. You do not have to snoop. She is advertising what she is doing.

 

I would make an appointment with a physician and get some TEMPORARY meds to calm you down so you can get hold of yourself and make some sane decisions. Crying is OK, but NOT to her or in front of her. You CANNOT nice her back. Do you understand that.

 

And for heavens sake, you also need to get the hell out of this circle of so called "friends" who are laughing about what she is doing and egging her on. How can you still even want to associate with them.

 

You probably need IC, but you do need to stop chasing her and get a firm plan in place to move her stuff out. Even though until you are divorced she can force her way back in, maybe if she was out looking for her clothes or finding out why her credit cards are not working, she might skip a rave or two.

 

You are N OT reconciling because there is nothing to reconcile with. You must accept that and yes it is painfu;l/

 

Now do yourself a favor and get divorce proceedings started and stop begging her to stop anything. It is not working.