Author Aloneuk Posted November 6, 2016 Author Share Posted November 6, 2016 I think he is trying to be respectful and give me the space I said I wanted.... I think he loves me as much as he can. I do love him but dont feel content. How do you know the difference between a great friendship and a true 'in love' relationship? How do you know if you are settled with someone and happy, or just settling? I have no idea. I guess if I'm asking.... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 6, 2016 Share Posted November 6, 2016 I think he is trying to be respectful and give me the space I said I wanted.... I think he loves me as much as he can. I do love him but dont feel content. How do you know the difference between a great friendship and a true 'in love' relationship? How do you know if you are settled with someone and happy, or just settling? I have no idea. I guess if I'm asking.... Sadly, you can never know until you've ruined the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 6, 2016 Share Posted November 6, 2016 But I do wonder if he was to meet someone he was really compatible with and connected with, what would happen. I'm torn between whether to stay and be 'ok' or to risk leaving. I do love him but I'm not sure its enough... I think when the above happens you will know whether you really love your husband or not. I have to agree with the others I don't think he really loves you either. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 6, 2016 Share Posted November 6, 2016 Affective Deprivation Disorder and Alexithymia in Marriage ^^^^ Something to read for you. "Emotional reciprocity, love and belonging are essential human needs, if these needs are not being met and the reason is not understood, then mental and physical health may be affected. (Maxine Aston)" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aloneuk Posted November 6, 2016 Author Share Posted November 6, 2016 Thank you. I do think he loves me, at least as much as he can love someone. But I guess I've got to figure out whether I can accept our relationship for what it is, or whether its nor going to be enough for me. I feel guilty as its me who has developed the problem with accepting the lack of intimacy. He has always been like this to a certain degree, although he does seem to have gotten worse since our engagement and marriage. Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 6, 2016 Share Posted November 6, 2016 Husband and I have been drifting apart for some time, I think a lot to do with him being a workaholic which also means he's away a lot. Again another cliché but I am home alone most of the time and lonely. This has gotten worse over the last 4 years or so, as he has his own business. He also finds it difficult to talk about emotions etc. I have probably spoken more to work guy in last month about our near miss and how that happened, etc than I have spoken to husband in the last 2 years about anything to do with our relationship, feelings etc. I guess the work guy has made me realise that I am missing the emotional intimacy (not that I'm getting that from work guy either) and its almost like I had forgotten what it was like to 'share' stuff. I hadnt realised what I was missing until I started getting it again from someone else... I think you have accepted for years a "normality" that is not actually normal in any shape or form. I guess you came out of your 10 year relationship a bit shell shocked and not that emotionally available yourself, so your now husband seemed fine at the time. It suited you to keep everything superficial, you don't get too hurt that way. He was a safe pair of hands as opposed to the "love of your life". As the years went by you got used to the lack of deep emotion, you accepted your lot, until your chance encounter with this work colleague woke you up to realise just what you had been missing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Osmium13 Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 Update - 2 months on Hey, have been lurking on these boards reading all the threads and thought I would update what's happening in my situation. At the beginning of October I took on the rental of a small apartment I mentioned earlier in the thread. I just felt really stifled and trapped - more so by what was going on in my head and the constant over thinking about things. Before I left, H and I sat down and discussed how we envisaged it would work. We would still be officially together but taking some time apart to think about things. We wouldnt tell family or friends, and would carry on 'as normal' with family get togethers, pre arranged outings etc. I have been returning home once or twice a week for us to spend time together, with the view that time and distance would help us both determine whether we wanted to be together and put the effort in to rebuild our relationship. The first week I went was really hard. Moving out, albeit only minimally, was tough. H helped me and I guess if I'm really honest, I would have liked him to show some emotion about me going, tell me that I needed to stay so we could work things out, tell me that he didnt want me to go, etc etc. Of course knowing that my H doesn't feel emotion in the same way I do, that was never going to happen. He did go quite quiet though, and has said he's found it difficult. I have now been staying at the new place for around 5-6 weeks. I guess we have fallen into a new sort of routine which we have both adapted to. I had hoped that being apart from him would give me a 'Eureka' moment where it would all became clear and I realised I couldn't live without him. I've not had that. I enjoy his company when I see him, but if I'm being brutally honest, I'm not sure if I miss him much when I'm not. But I'm not sure how much of that is because I know this is my choice at the moment and the decisions seem to be in my hand. I have explained to H how I'm feeling as best as I can but I dont think he really understands it. Not surprising as I am confused by it too. But he just wants me to get 'fixed' through my IC and sort my head out and come home. I have been having weekly IC for a couple of months now which has been helpful. I just really don't know what to do from here. I feel like I'm on a path and there's a fork in the road and the decision I make now is such an important one to get right. I still feel fairly ambivalent about everything... About staying in my new place, about coming home. Neither option is grabbing me and in truth I am probably hoping something will happen which forces my hand either way - I know it sounds gutless. I just don't have the enthusiasm for either. Work guy (which was the catalyst) is only on the scene in a work capacity which I'm happy about. On reflection, it was never about work guy but my need for love / attention / intimacy which I felt was lacking at home. If anyone has some advice it would be gratefully received, though please don't be too harsh as I am struggling at the moment. Thanks for reading I missed this! I was wondering the other day how you were going with the separation... I don't think there's anything you could have done differently so far; it seems to me like you've done all the right things. Realistically, you're not going to get to a stage where you know what to do/how to feel in a few weeks, when you've been with him 10 years. Give it time. From an outside point of view, I think you should be concentrating on your own direction - there's only so much effort you should put in for your husband's feelings (or lack of them!) before you need to focus on what YOU need from life. I'd suggest trying to break any routines you're still in with him and fit him around other plans - you'll either start to miss him (to the point you know you can't be without), or you'll wonder why it took you so long to realise that the world was still turning! Whilst it may be tough at the moment, you've been incredibly brave to take the steps you have already and I'm sure the haze will start to clear soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aloneuk Posted January 1, 2017 Author Share Posted January 1, 2017 Hi Thought I would post an update as to what's being going on with my situation. Well everyone on here was right about work guy and me. We developed a friendship over the past couple of months which has bordered onto an EA and one drunken night together (we didn't sleep together, there was some physical action though, but more that we spent the whole night talking and getting to know each other). Work guy has been honest throughout with me - that he really likes me, feels a connection with me but needs to figure his situation out as he's not wanting to cheat any more than what has already happened. He feels his 20 year relationship has come to an end but wants to make sure he's not having a mid life crisis or making a rash decision. We agree theres a strong mutual attraction and we really 'click' but we are also aware that the feelings could be heightened because of the situation we are in. We are both surprised about how much we get on, have in common, and that him spending the night 'just felt so right'. We spent hours and hours on the phone just talking and want similar things from a relationship and the future. But we know we cannot carry on like this as its not fair on our partners. About 10 days ago he told her he's not happy and is confused about his future and they have started talking. He told me that he thinks he is going to look for a place to live in the new year. We said if anything is to happen between us we want to do it in the open and in an honest way. So we've agreed to go NC to sort out our respective relationships (whether that be to see if they can be salvaged or to separate properly) and if we are both single in the future and still feel the same we both would like to see what could happen between us. I have been honest with my H and he knows everything that has happened between me and work guy. He says he loves me and wants me to come home and try and fix things. I am so confused. There's a big part of me that thinks I owe it to my marriage to give it everything I can so if it does end, I have no regrets and can say we tried to make it work. Then there's the other part of me that has strong feelings for work guy, and really wants to see where that could lead as we just 'click' in a way I've never experienced with a guy before including my H. Even if nothing happens in the future with work guy, it's opened my eyes to what it's like to meet someone that you have a connection with and whilst I do love my H, I have never felt like that with him. H and I have never really been able to talk properly and in a meaningful way, whereas I have that with work guy. So....should I go home and try and make my marriage work, even though my heart isn't 100% in it (and my appalling actions since July seem to back this up)? Or do I accept that the marriage is over and let my H go so he can find someone who loves him like he deserves to be loved? My H is a great man and there is something stopping me making the total break. I'm not sure if it's guilt, whether deep down I want to make things work, or what... I feel like I'm at a real crossroads in my life and I need to make a decision one way or another. This limbo is not helping my H or me. I am still having IC and we have had 2 MC sessions so far which have not helped much so far. I know my actions have been incredibly selfish both to H and work guys partner and want to try and minimise the hurt to everyone going forward. All I think about is this situation..all day every day and I can't seem to make a decision on what to do. I feel so confused and sad about where I have ended up and the person I have turned into. Any advice gratefully received. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 1, 2017 Share Posted January 1, 2017 I think you should divorce and pursue the work guy. He's the one you're hot for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted January 1, 2017 Share Posted January 1, 2017 Hi Alone, it is now the New Year and a time to make new resolutions and stick to them. Reading the events in your life as they have unfolded seems to show that you are wanting to eat your cake and have it too. You have been sitting on the fence for far too long and you need to get off it and face your situation head on. Firstly, I would say it is very unfair to your husband for the way you have been handling things. You say he does not communicate much yet you say he was very quiet when you discussed things and said that he found your separation difficult. The thing is he seems to be the "Still waters run deep" kind of man. He is one of those who probably hides his feelings maybe because of events that took place when he was small and growing up. Such people cannot really express their feelings openly. They hide behind a facade. It does not mean those feelings are not there only that they are not expressed openly. He may have deep feelings for you but is unable to express them. Maybe some therapy may be able to help him become more forthcoming and expressive. On the other hand as you yourself have said, your actions have been very selfish. The decent thing for you to do would be to let your husband be free and then as a single person you can pursue your romantic inclinations to your heart's content. Your husband too, would be able to find a woman to complement him better than you possibly can. Just some food for thought and action on your part. Warm wishes and a Happy New Year! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aloneuk Posted January 1, 2017 Author Share Posted January 1, 2017 Hi Alone, it is now the New Year and a time to make new resolutions and stick to them. Reading the events in your life as they have unfolded seems to show that you are wanting to eat your cake and have it too. You have been sitting on the fence for far too long and you need to get off it and face your situation head on. Firstly, I would say it is very unfair to your husband for the way you have been handling things. On the other hand as you yourself have said, your actions have been very selfish. The decent thing for you to do would be to let your husband be free and then as a single person you can pursue your romantic inclinations to your heart's content. Your husband too, would be able to find a woman to complement him better than you possibly can. Just some food for thought and action on your part. Warm wishes and a Happy New Year! Thank you. I am in total agreement. My actions have been so selfish and there is an element of cake eating and testing out a new life without him to see if it fits before making a decision. I am ashamed of how I have acted and have put myself in H's shoes many times and have to admit I would not be reacting with as much patience and understanding as he is. I just can't seem to make a final decision and don't know whether that's because deep down I know I want to stay with H, or if it's because I know how much it will hurt H to end it. I feel like I have over saturated every waking thought with it, read so many online articles, self help books, seeing and IC and MC and talked with friends and H and work guy about it and now I can't see the wood for the trees. I am very mixed up and just don't know what to do for the best... Link to post Share on other sites
LexiCat29 Posted January 1, 2017 Share Posted January 1, 2017 First and foremost, you should tell your husband that you're cheating. He deserves to have a say in this too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aloneuk Posted January 1, 2017 Author Share Posted January 1, 2017 First and foremost, you should tell your husband that you're cheating. He deserves to have a say in this too. H knows everything that has happened between work guy and I and about my feelings for him. I have been upfront about everything. H says he thinks we can get through it and wants me to come home. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted January 1, 2017 Share Posted January 1, 2017 H knows everything that has happened between work guy and I and about my feelings for him. I have been upfront about everything. H says he thinks we can get through it and wants me to come home. So has your husband had a wake up call? Whats he willing to do to work with you to get your marriage on track? If he is prepared to go to relate then why not give your marriage a chance? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 1, 2017 Share Posted January 1, 2017 Leave your husband alone, he deserves better. I said at the start of you posting here your issue was about you, while you wanted to make it about your husband. Now we get the standard wayward wife lines about amazing connection like never before and how you never had it with the husband....Let's get honest when you always looking for better you can't focus on and enjoy what you have. Leave your husband alone, in time you will only be a dot on his rearview mirror. Show compassion 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 1, 2017 Share Posted January 1, 2017 So has your husband had a wake up call? Whats he willing to do to work with you to get your marriage on track? If he is prepared to go to relate then why not give your marriage a chance? Because it's unfair to ask him to be what he isn't. She wanted a different man, she went out a found one, how can her husband fix that? It's not his issue, he is who he is and has been. She wants something different so she needs to let him go, hopefully he can find someone to love and accept him for who he is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted January 1, 2017 Share Posted January 1, 2017 Because it's unfair to ask him to be what he isn't. She wanted a different man, she went out a found one, how can her husband fix that? It's not his issue, he is who he is and has been. She wants something different so she needs to let him go, hopefully he can find someone to love and accept him for who he is. Yes different since her husband has been all consumed with his business. Perhaps this has made him realise that he didn't prioritise his marriage enough. Surely it is up to him if he wants to try and see if this is fixable too? This is same old unhappiness leading to cheating. I'm an advocate for divorce normaly but having read all her threads perhaps this time they should give it a try. But hey thats just my opinion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 1, 2017 Share Posted January 1, 2017 Thank you. I am in total agreement. My actions have been so selfish and there is an element of cake eating and testing out a new life without him to see if it fits before making a decision. I am ashamed of how I have acted and have put myself in H's shoes many times and have to admit I would not be reacting with as much patience and understanding as he is. I just can't seem to make a final decision and don't know whether that's because deep down I know I want to stay with H, or if it's because I know how much it will hurt H to end it. I feel like I have over saturated every waking thought with it, read so many online articles, self help books, seeing and IC and MC and talked with friends and H and work guy about it and now I can't see the wood for the trees. I am very mixed up and just don't know what to do for the best... You won't divorce your BH because your OM will not marry you. OM likes the ego boost you are giving him. Though not enough to dump his current woman for you. So much for you being the OM's soul mate. More like sole mate the way the OM used you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aloneuk Posted January 1, 2017 Author Share Posted January 1, 2017 So has your husband had a wake up call? Whats he willing to do to work with you to get your marriage on track? If he is prepared to go to relate then why not give your marriage a chance? We started MC in November but due to the time of year, have only had 2 sessions so far. Too early to make any real progress or insight. I continue to see my IC although haven't had an appointment for 3 weeks due to Christmas. Something I struggle with, which has come out in IC, is him prioritising work over our M. This has gotten worse over the past 4 or 5 years. I thought it was something I was coping with and able to handle but it turns out not. I am very much a 'work to live' person and not career driven and work to earn the money to get out and live life. H is the opposite. He values status and money over relationships and his work is the main priority in his life. It's something he has acknowledged over the past few weeks but I'm unsure if this is something that will ever change. Over time I have come to realise I struggle with not being a priority in our relationship to him. I guess this is one of the main factors that has led me to this point. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 1, 2017 Share Posted January 1, 2017 Yes different since her husband has been all consumed with his business. Perhaps this has made him realise that he didn't prioritise his marriage enough. Surely it is up to him if he wants to try and see if this is fixable too? This is same old unhappiness leading to cheating. I'm an advocate for divorce normaly but having read all her threads perhaps this time they should give it a try. But hey thats just my opinion. My point is, in reading her story it just never comes across that she loves the guy...I just don't see it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2017 Share Posted January 1, 2017 So despite you moving out, he has not come forward with any solutions, compromises, or things he needs to change in this marriage. He wants you back to continue on as is, is that right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aloneuk Posted January 1, 2017 Author Share Posted January 1, 2017 You won't divorce your BH because your OM will not marry you. OM likes the ego boost you are giving him. Though not enough to dump his current woman for you. So much for you being the OM's soul mate. More like sole mate the way the OM used you. OM and I became (somewhat) physical at the beginning of December. He told his partner that he was unhappy in their relationship around 2 weeks later. Christmas has happened in between and he tells me he plans to rent somewhere to live in the new year. He says that our interaction has made him realise that their relationship has just been a good friendship for many years and that the romantic relationship between them is over. He has made it clear to me that he needs time to make sure he makes the right decision and doesn't want us to rush into anything with me even if he leaves her. But that he would like to see what may happen between us in future if we are both single at the same time. It might be future faking but it seems to me (if he follows through with leaving in new year) that he has told her fairly quickly after us being intimate? Obviously only time will tell if he really does leave her, but he had been upfront with me in all communication. It would be easy for him to pursue an affair with me if that was all he was interested in, but he has made it clear that we have crossed the line once and we can't do that again and we need to resolve our relationships first. Am I naive? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 1, 2017 Share Posted January 1, 2017 OM and I became (somewhat) physical at the beginning of December. He told his partner that he was unhappy in their relationship around 2 weeks later. Christmas has happened in between and he tells me he plans to rent somewhere to live in the new year. He says that our interaction has made him realise that their relationship has just been a good friendship for many years and that the romantic relationship between them is over. He has made it clear to me that he needs time to make sure he makes the right decision and doesn't want us to rush into anything with me even if he leaves her. But that he would like to see what may happen between us in future if we are both single at the same time. It might be future faking but it seems to me (if he follows through with leaving in new year) that he has told her fairly quickly after us being intimate? Obviously only time will tell if he really does leave her, but he had been upfront with me in all communication. It would be easy for him to pursue an affair with me if that was all he was interested in, but he has made it clear that we have crossed the line once and we can't do that again and we need to resolve our relationships first. Am I naive? This post encompasses exactly why you need to leave your husband alone....Tell him this, tell him that your focus and desire is on this other man and any effort on his part is a waiting failure. Be compassionate and end your sham of a marriage, don't continue to drag him along just in case mm is lying. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aloneuk Posted January 1, 2017 Author Share Posted January 1, 2017 My point is, in reading her story it just never comes across that she loves the guy...I just don't see it. I'll be honest...that is something I am struggling to know myself. I love him and he's a great guy, however our relationship is more companion like and a great, steady friendship. How do I know whether that's the comfortable love you get after being with someone for a long time, or a sign that it's not right. OM makes me feel alive, i feel we can really talk about anything and everything, he challenges me mentally and there is a spark physically. But I know that could be because of the 'fog' and because of limerance.... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 1, 2017 Share Posted January 1, 2017 I'll be honest...that is something I am struggling to know myself. I love him and he's a great guy, however our relationship is more companion like and a great, steady friendship. How do I know whether that's the comfortable love you get after being with someone for a long time, or a sign that it's not right. OM makes me feel alive, i feel we can really talk about anything and everything, he challenges me mentally and there is a spark physically. But I know that could be because of the 'fog' and because of limerance.... Does it matter? Husband isn't enough, not good enough so be compassionate and let him go. Of course you don't love him...Have you actually read the stuff you've said about him here? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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