Tension with work colleague, both in committed relationships - what does this mean?

[BuddyX]

No, I don't think I can....

 

Then youre not ready. If you think, then you still need to figure out what you want.

[Aloneuk]

True, but he hasn't been diagnosed yet.

 

In my opinion internet diagnoses aren't worth the paper they're written on.

 

If he does have that personality type the outcome is, as far as I can tell, the same. It's not something you can prescribe a magic pill for.

 

I doubt he will ever be officially diagnosed as there doesn't seem to be the opportunity to do something like that, nor would he be willing to discuss it with a counsellor or similar...

 

I feel for me its enough to know it. I did think all men were that uncommunicative and unemotional but work guy did make me realise otherwise so if nothing else I'm glad for our interaction just for that.

 

After all my recent conversations with H about how I needed him to step up and make an effort, that I am thinking of leaving because he makes no effort in the relationship and I feel unloved etc, its our wedding anniversary this week and he arranged nothing - not even a dinner. Its like he just doesn't understand relationships or me. Its not about doing something for our anniversary but more what his apathy and lack of interest signifies....

 

I would be interested to hear from other guys as to how they might have responded to a plea from their W about wanting to save their marriage....

[pteromom]

my belief is there was no grooming or prior planning from work guy. I think he is probably having some issues in his R and was drunk, confused and overstepped a line which he regrets.

 

Actually, I see some "grooming" in his words and actions too. He kept assuming what you feel, and assigning actions and emotions to you. Like saying "YOU know what I mean." and saying that you were "further in" than he was...things like that. That's a definite manipulative tactic. Not only can he try to twist what you are feeling, but he can later blame the whole thing on you.

 

I am glad you have distanced yourself from him. Keep it that way. Do not go to work events where there is drinking if he will be there. And if it happens, do not go anywhere alone with him.

 

As far as your DH, I hope the IC helps you. I wouldn't worry so much about assigning a diagnosis to him. In the end, he is who he is whether it is some type of disorder or not. And you have to decide whether you can live with who he is.

 

One thing to think about is rather than asking him to make an effort, which is vague and open to interpretation, ask him to start doing something very easy and simple. Like... every time he leaves the house, can he come find you and give you a hug (and expect that you will do the same when you are going somewhere.) And perhaps every day when you both get home, spend 5 minutes talking about your days. Come up with some very simple "assignments" for him that won't take any extra energy or hassle for him, but that will help you start feeling intimate with him again. Who knows - maybe it will help!

[Wade Lamare]

 

I would be interested to hear from other guys as to how they might have responded to a plea from their W about wanting to save their marriage....

 

Difficult to say really, each case is different. You could be an alphadalpha aggressive arse who needs to chillaxe a bit and become a little softer or you could be an absolute doormat who needs to toughen up their game to become a bit harder.

 

I'm going to assume that you meant in your case.

 

Bearing in mind your hubby, whether or not he has the Alexithymia personality type, struggles to be emotionally available to you as you require and doesn't seem to understand the importance of this to you, you have a few problems.

 

By the way, I took the test just before and scored 70 ish. I think I would have scored higher but a few questions I couldn't really answer properly.

 

Even though your hubby has these problems I assume his cognitive abilities are ok and he is under no illusions that failure to help you will result in eventual divorce.

If I was he, knowing that I will struggle to honour things like Valentines day, birthdays and anniversaries I would set up alerts and alarms on my phone, PC etc. to prompt me to at least look like I was emotionally connected. At least that way you would know I was trying my hardest to fake it.

[Aloneuk]

Difficult to say really, each case is different. You could be an alphadalpha aggressive arse who needs to chillaxe a bit and become a little softer or you could be an absolute doormat who needs to toughen up their game to become a bit harder.

 

I'm going to assume that you meant in your case.

 

Bearing in mind your hubby, whether or not he has the Alexithymia personality type, struggles to be emotionally available to you as you require and doesn't seem to understand the importance of this to you, you have a few problems.

 

By the way, I took the test just before and scored 70 ish. I think I would have scored higher but a few questions I couldn't really answer properly.

 

Even though your hubby has these problems I assume his cognitive abilities are ok and he is under no illusions that failure to help you will result in eventual divorce.

If I was he, knowing that I will struggle to honour things like Valentines day, birthdays and anniversaries I would set up alerts and alarms on my phone, PC etc. to prompt me to at least look like I was emotionally connected. At least that way you would know I was trying my hardest to fake it.

 

thanks Wade Lamare!

My H scored 134 on the test so pretty much double what you got....

 

H doesn't forget the dates of anniversaries etc - he chooses not to organise anything despite knowing how much it means to me... Thats what I struggle with. He can organise round the world trips and meetings for his business but his marriage doesn't seem to warrant the same priority....

[Wade Lamare]

Sorry, I meant I would have scored lower. Doh! Sounds silly but there were a couple of questions I couldn't answer.

 

It's very puzzling isn't it?

 

Even though, as you say, he knows that you are reaching the end of your tether he still is unable to help you.

 

I still think my PC, phone calendar 'thing' is one way of doing it.

 

Phone sounds an alert, "Boing boing boing"

 

"Ah, it's AloneUK's birthday coming up, I set this alarm because it seems important to her and she wants a bit of a fuss made."

 

"I can't see the point myself but it obviously keeps her happy so I'll organise something now."

 

"The alternative is that I lose her and that is no alternative at all."

 

 

 

 

Personally I think Alexithymia would be better named MrSpockithymia.

[Aloneuk]

Thanks again for your response.

 

So, its our 1st wedding anniversary tomorrow. Like I said, he didn't arrange anything so I have arranged a couple of nights away, the first tonight in an old inn (we have a lot of those in the UK!) and the second at a nearby country house hotel spa tomorrow. For me this will be the real tester, on how we get on, etc.

 

Also I need to decide by the end of the week if I'm taking the place I can move into on my own as landlord is waiting for a reply. I feel this week really is one for decisions....

 

Thanks again for reading

[Osmium13]

Hope it goes well!

[Honourably honest]

Alone. Do you think you married somebody else, and the person that shuns you is someone new?

I think you've done everything right, and that whilst you are married you've explored all options...but this is leading to negative territory. Decisions like your one are difficult, and often looked at as cruel if you do decide to leave. You come across as vibrant and level headed, and it would seem you've gone through the mill on thinking it through.

For my tuppence, life is too short. If he isn't that into you, doesn't surprise or woo you or 'want' you sexually it may be time to make that move. It's not a massive move, but more a significant one. it's not over though, he may well wake up, or realise the error of his ways, and come for you. The space here could be the trigger.

Fingers crossed on whatever you do! Chin up, and hopefully the two days will have worked.

[WilyWill]

Wade's right. There are some of us who are forgetful, but we understand our spouse's need for attention when it comes to anniversaries, birthdays, etc. So we actively seek a way to compensate for our forgetfulness by setting alarms and reminders. It's weird that your husband can't do this.

 

I have to say also that if my wife came to me and said "we need marriage counseling", my eyes would get really big. I'd regard that as an emergency and it would become the biggest priority in my life. Sounds like your husband essentially says "Nah... we don't" and moves on. Have you told him of your plans to move out? I'd expect this to be a huge wake-up call.

[Wade Lamare]

Thanks again for your response.

 

So, its our 1st wedding anniversary tomorrow. Like I said, he didn't arrange anything so I have arranged a couple of nights away, the first tonight in an old inn (we have a lot of those in the UK!) and the second at a nearby country house hotel spa tomorrow. For me this will be the real tester, on how we get on, etc.

 

Also I need to decide by the end of the week if I'm taking the place I can move into on my own as landlord is waiting for a reply. I feel this week really is one for decisions....

 

Thanks again for reading

 

How did the break go? We're not long back from a trip ourselves. We stayed in several different places. A farm B&B, posh hotel, inns.

 

Did your hubby appreciate the break?

[merrmeade]

I need to make some decisions about my marriage and relationship and guess I will just need to try and avoid work guy in the meantime.

So that's from bottom p. 1. After that, the thread started shifting focus to your marriage and by p. 6, it's all about the marriage.

 

So why don't you get real marriage counseling instead of advice and myriad perspectives from non-professionals?

 

Your husband should have a voice.

[yepsurething]

 

Could there be a connection between me and this guy that we are trying to deny because we are in relationships?

 

Thanks

 

the fact that you are both in relationships is why you should be denying any connection between you. and not let it happen.

 

Why drinks out a second time with this guy? was it required for work?

 

have you tried to reignite the spark with your husband?

[Aloneuk]

I have my first IC session tomorrow, and H and I are going to discuss after to see whether we think we can go to MC alongside.

 

I don't think its a massive surprise that the thread started off with the encounter with work guy, and has ended up with me reconsidering my marriage. I honestly don't believe that happily married people find themselves in situations like that. The work guy encounter highlighted ti me issues in our marriage and issues with me.

 

I am aware I'm not blameless in this situation, far from it, but I can only tell you my story as I see it and what I am learning along the way.

 

Wedding anniversary trip was ok thanks. I still didnt feel very connected to H, but I'm not sure how much is in my head and how much is real. We spent two nights away and there was no sex, no intimacy...

 

Work guy and I are still NC. We have had to talk briefly re work things recently but it has been very limited and purely about the work stuff. I am happy with this and consciously making an effort to make sure it continues this way.

 

I am struggling to get myself out of the apathy / ambivalence I currently feel about H. I want the feelings I used to have about him and the relationship to come back and hope that MC and IC will help....

 

Thanks

[Rubix Cubed]

Work guy and I are still NC. We have had to talk briefly re work things recently but it has been very limited and purely about the work stuff. I am happy with this and consciously making an effort to make sure it continues this way.

 

That's not NC (NO Contact). This will not help H want to reconcile. Of course you are happy with it, but is he?

[Aloneuk]

I can't be 100% NC as we work on the same team and our roles involve some communication. However our communication has been purely about work and in front of other colleagues. There is no way of stopping contact entirely unless I leave my job, which is not an option as I am the main breadwinner in our household and there are no other roles in my industry currently.

 

H is aware of contact with him, has no issues at all. Also although I agree some kind of attraction between me and work guy has been established by what happened at night out, there has been no PA or EA. Nor is there going to be.

 

Thanks

[Aloneuk]

That's not NC (NO Contact). This will not help H want to reconcile. Of course you are happy with it, but is he?

 

Also H has no issues with what nearly happened between work guy and myself. I told him about both encounters when they happened. In my mind, and H's, work guy is not an issue - our relationship is. There was no EA or PA, just a near miss drunken moment and the subsequent confusion of what, if anything, that meant.

 

So there is no reconciliation needing from that - more so that we are trying to get our marriage as a whole back on track. One of the big issues is that H is happy with our marriage and the way things are, I am not.

[BuddyX]

So your husband is a bit of a chump. I'm pretty sure What will get your panties wet is your husband going over to the MM and telling him to stop "eyeing my wife". Then take you to "pound town" for an entire weekend.

 

But your husband is a bunny and you want a beast. Doubt that dynamic will change.

 

This will happen again. And your husband will stand on the sideline. SMH

[Aloneuk]

So your husband is a bit of a chump. I'm pretty sure What will get your panties wet is your husband going over to the MM and telling him to stop "eyeing my wife". Then take you to "pound town" for an entire weekend.

 

But your husband is a bunny and you want a beast. Doubt that dynamic will change.

 

This will happen again. And your husband will stand on the sideline. SMH

 

Wow thanks for the constructive feedback!

[Osmium13]

 

But your husband is a bunny and you want a beast.

 

I just wanted to see that again... move over Shakespeare

[Aloneuk]

Update - 2 months on

 

Hey, have been lurking on these boards reading all the threads and thought I would update what's happening in my situation.

 

At the beginning of October I took on the rental of a small apartment I mentioned earlier in the thread. I just felt really stifled and trapped - more so by what was going on in my head and the constant over thinking about things.

 

Before I left, H and I sat down and discussed how we envisaged it would work. We would still be officially together but taking some time apart to think about things. We wouldnt tell family or friends, and would carry on 'as normal' with family get togethers, pre arranged outings etc. I have been returning home once or twice a week for us to spend time together, with the view that time and distance would help us both determine whether we wanted to be together and put the effort in to rebuild our relationship.

 

The first week I went was really hard. Moving out, albeit only minimally, was tough. H helped me and I guess if I'm really honest, I would have liked him to show some emotion about me going, tell me that I needed to stay so we could work things out, tell me that he didnt want me to go, etc etc. Of course knowing that my H doesn't feel emotion in the same way I do, that was never going to happen. He did go quite quiet though, and has said he's found it difficult.

 

I have now been staying at the new place for around 5-6 weeks. I guess we have fallen into a new sort of routine which we have both adapted to. I had hoped that being apart from him would give me a 'Eureka' moment where it would all became clear and I realised I couldn't live without him. I've not had that. I enjoy his company when I see him, but if I'm being brutally honest, I'm not sure if I miss him much when I'm not. But I'm not sure how much of that is because I know this is my choice at the moment and the decisions seem to be in my hand. I have explained to H how I'm feeling as best as I can but I dont think he really understands it. Not surprising as I am confused by it too. But he just wants me to get 'fixed' through my IC and sort my head out and come home.

 

I have been having weekly IC for a couple of months now which has been helpful. I just really don't know what to do from here. I feel like I'm on a path and there's a fork in the road and the decision I make now is such an important one to get right.

 

I still feel fairly ambivalent about everything... About staying in my new place, about coming home. Neither option is grabbing me and in truth I am probably hoping something will happen which forces my hand either way - I know it sounds gutless. I just don't have the enthusiasm for either.

 

Work guy (which was the catalyst) is only on the scene in a work capacity which I'm happy about. On reflection, it was never about work guy but my need for love / attention / intimacy which I felt was lacking at home.

 

If anyone has some advice it would be gratefully received, though please don't be too harsh as I am struggling at the moment.

 

Thanks for reading

[elaine567]

As your attraction to your husband is luke warm at best then I am not surprised you hardly miss him when you do not see him.

He doesn't have the emotional capacity to grab your attention, so it is all rather wishy washy.

He wants you back yes, but it is for more of the same, he is not offering to change (I guess that may be impossible for him), so you are in no hurry to return. I do not blame you.

Forgive me if I am wrong but you appear to be saying that he seems to think this is all in YOUR head and he has nothing to do with it...

 

His Alexithymia makes it difficult for him to be the man you really want, so your choice is to be in an emotionally restricted relationship forever or to call it a day.

[DKT3]

In reading this thread I see two people who like each other but not in love. Honestly I don't think your husband is in to you. Emotionally short or not, when a man is into a woman she knows.

 

I don't think he missed you outside of it disturbing his routine, now that he is becoming comfortable with the new one, I don't think your marriage has a bright future. Just two people who can't make the decision to end it.

[Aloneuk]

Thanks both

 

I agree with both responses I think. I am H's first long term relationship (again because he prioritised his sport when he was growing up til he met me) whereas I have previous relationship to compare it against.

 

I feel he loves me as much as he can. He does want me to come home and is struggling without me being there. But I do wonder if he was to meet someone he was really compatible with and connected with, what would happen. I'm torn between whether to stay and be 'ok' or to risk leaving. I do love him but I'm not sure its enough...

[DKT3]

Thanks both

 

I agree with both responses I think. I am H's first long term relationship (again because he prioritised his sport when he was growing up til he met me) whereas I have previous relationship to compare it against.

 

I feel he loves me as much as he can. He does want me to come home and is struggling without me being there. But I do wonder if he was to meet someone he was really compatible with and connected with, what would happen. I'm torn between whether to stay and be 'ok' or to risk leaving. I do love him but I'm not sure its enough...

 

I don't think you do love him, nor him you. If you did the issues you describe would be manageable.

 

Also he wants you to come home for comfort if it was desire he would have come and got you.