! A (lame) question about behavior after sex...

[katiegrl]

JoeSmith357

 

I never said I was looking for a provider. I am looking for a great lover - not FB or FWB but definitely not a serious boyfriend. I was very happy to spend the night with this man and don't have any regrets. I wish he treated me in a way that would make me want more sex with him but his lack of excitement was a turn off. His bragging about being a male s@@t definitely influenced my decision as well. That's all. We all make our own rules.

 

Hi Coldfire... playing devil's advocate, did you display or indicate your excitement and enthusiasm about having sex with him again?

 

Or about the sex you did have? Like "wow that was HOT last night, having trouble focusing today (wink wink)," or something like that?

 

It goes both ways.

 

We all want our partner to be excited about us, at least to some extent, otherwise we're left feeling 'meh' (at least I am) ... whether it's bf/gf, FWB, FB or whatevs.

 

If neither one is showing that excitement or enthusiasm, the RL (no matter what type of RL it is) is going to fall flat, again leaving one or both feeling meh (or in the friendzone). Even after having sex... and even if the sex was hot.

 

Especially in the early stages when you're both in the process of moving towards each other.

 

It sounds like that may be what happened here?

Edited August 11, 2016 by katiegrl

[mortensorchid]

You said you aren't into casual sex but you suddenly want something else out of this situation? Sorry, but you contradicted yourself. Then again, I realize some of that is not your fault. Women have been conditioned to think one way and men another (Mars and Venus). Women build a social contract with sex, men are just doing what feels good and then go about their business. I have been in similar places with it, you think something is going to happen when in fact it does not.

 

Move on. What's done is done. You don't know this person at all, do you? And would you want to? Not really. Life is complicated.

[BluesPower]

If all you want is to get properly laid and he calls or texts, go for it if you are comfortable with doing that.

 

Meanwhile, if you want a real relationship maybe with someone, this guy is not it.

 

If you want something more you are going to have to maybe go somewhere besides tinder. POF and OkCupid are more for real dating, tinder is to get laid.

 

You are grown, if this guy does not get back to you, find another F-Boy.

[joseb]

Thanks, joseb.

 

Then I can definitely not deal with this and I don't know where this leaves me since I am not able to commit to anyone at the moment and can't have completely meaningless sex either

 

It doesn't have to be meaningless sex. Its actually smart if a guy doesn't lead you on if it's just short term. And vice versa.

 

If you can't commit, then why are you looking for a guy who acts like he wants to commit and sees a future by sending you relationship building texts? I don't get it.

 

I don't like meaningless sex either, some of the most "meaningful" sex was in flings and a fwb set-up.

Neither of us lied and pretended we wanted a relationship, that's all.

[Versacehottie]

JoeSmith357

 

I never said I was looking for a provider. I am looking for a great lover - not FB or FWB but definitely not a serious boyfriend. I was very happy to spend the night with this man and don't have any regrets. I wish he treated me in a way that would make me want more sex with him but his lack of excitement was a turn off. His bragging about being a male s@@t definitely influenced my decision as well. That's all. We all make our own rules.

 

You can make your own rules but if he plays by another set of them, then there will be a disconnect between you two.

 

I think wanting date-like behavior from a hookup type arrangement is not what you will typically get, which I think is what a lot of people are saying, ie the majority of people play by the other set of rules.

 

You should probably keep your search going so maybe you can find someone who wants no commitment but will treat you like you are dating. I think both of those things are at odds though so it may be a tough ask OR a long search.

 

But if you think about it like this: the "search" will satisfy your goal; you will keep getting hookups where the first or second time may have a date like quality and then you keep it moving. As long as you realize that your "process" can sort this dilemma out for you. As a matter of fact, I think its a strategy guys use as a no brainer--date with first goal to hookup and not really in a place to commit to a relationship so they jump from short term thing to short term thing, effectively hookups disguised as dates. As a distant goal, they are evaluating the person for a real relationship but it takes a lot for it to stick if that's possible at all; sometimes they are not honest with themselves or the people they are dating about their intentions because they have trouble understanding the intentions themselves. It's less common for a woman to do it, but you could do that. And get what you want from the process rather than a person. Not exactly the clearest of intentions BUT it is a solution. I feel like if you keep using tinder for your dates, they are effectively on notice about this as a potential outcome.

 

I think the one person you need to make sure you aren't lying to is yourself. I think biologically it's pretty hard for the majority of women to just hookup without having feelings. In fact, your thread is almost a conformation of that, ie you want someone who will "date" you and make you feel like he's got feelings for you and should be someone suitable for a relationship even though you SAY you don't want to act on that portion of it for your own reasons.

[katiegrl]

I wish he treated me in a way that would make me want more sex with him but his lack of excitement was a turn off .

 

 

I think wanting date-like behavior from a hookup type arrangement is not what you will typically get, which I think is what a lot of people are saying, ie the majority of people play by the other set of rules.

 

 

 

Unless I missed something where did Coldfire ever say she wants or expects "date-like" behavior?

 

She said she wants him to show a little excitement about just having had sex with her, some enthusiasm reflecting his desire to have sex with her again.

 

Just because this is a FWB arrangement, she still wants and needs to feel sexually desired... that's normal.

 

This has nothing to do with "date-like" behavior, or him acting like her "boyfriend" unless again I missed something.

 

It goes both ways though... she needs to show excitement and enthusiasm too... it shouldn't be all on him.

Edited August 12, 2016 by katiegrl

[Versacehottie]

Hi!

 

I would really appreciate some feedback, especially from guys.

 

I recently ended a long term relationship. Not looking for something too serious immediately but I've never been into casual sex either.

 

I met a guy on Tinder and had sex with him on Friday after a couple of dates. I didn't want him to stay over but he insisted and we went for breakfast in the morning. I was very attracted to him although he appears to be pretty unreliable. I have a good job, house etc. while he is still in grad school, hangs out at bars every night, and has several roommates. He also described himself as a [promiscuous] and "alcoholic" . Now I am definitely not judging, he is very intelligent and the dates and sex were great. He was what I needed and made me happy.

 

I have to admit I freaked out that he may ignore me after having the sex so, to avoid being dumped (!) I texted him yesterday that I feel like it would be best to not meet again. Before that he wasn't overly enthusiastic in texting but wasn't ignoring me either. And it has only been 2 days since we had sex at the time I texted.

 

My question is: Did I overreact? I would have enjoyed seeing him again but I thought if he truly liked me he would have attempted to arrange another date and would have been more enthusiastic about texting/calling. I followed my instinct but maybe I was simply afraid because of the way he presented himself...

 

yep, you missed it. From her 1st post

[Coldfire]

joseb,

 

I truly appreciate your perspective.

 

I just don't know what to do about this. You have a point. I can totally love bomb strangers I am attracted to , shower then with compliments and attention. It's part of what I find sexually exciting. when I am going to bed with someone, I make them feel like the most special and attractive man/woman on earth. Then I may disappear if the person can not keep providing the same emotional high. I am definitely not a victim and you are right - my behavior may be misleading. But I have no problem being misled or lied to. I do not worry if a lover tells me I am a goddess and the best lover imaginable even if they don't really feel this way. I would be delighted, enjoying the compliment and feeling great about it. Having "just sex" with soneone who is totally honest that I am not the woman of their dreams doesn't do it for me.

 

I definitely cannot commit right now but I need mutual admiration in bed. Am I doomed!?

 

 

It doesn't have to be meaningless sex. Its actually smart if a guy doesn't lead you on if it's just short term. And vice versa.

 

If you can't commit, then why are you looking for a guy who acts like he wants to commit and sees a future by sending you relationship building texts? I don't get it.

 

I don't like meaningless sex either, some of the most "meaningful" sex was in flings and a fwb set-up.

Neither of us lied and pretended we wanted a relationship, that's all.

[Coldfire]

katiegrl

 

Yes! You totally get this! I do need to feel desired and gorgeous. I don't understand how this is date-like/boyfriebd-like behavior.

 

I did show him that I was super excited. I think most people are not used to this and don't know how to react even though they enjoy it....

 

I don't know. I am somewhat lost.

 

Unless I missed something where did Coldfire ever say she wants or expects "date-like" behavior?

 

She said she wants him to show a little excitement about just having had sex with her, some enthusiasm reflecting his desire to have sex with her again.

 

Just because this is a FWB arrangement, she still wants and needs to feel sexually desired... that's normal.

 

This has nothing to do with "date-like" behavior, or him acting like her "boyfriend" unless again I missed something.

 

It goes both ways though... she needs to show excitement and enthusiasm too... it shouldn't be all on him.

[Coldfire]

Versacehottie

 

Thank you for the message. I will reply in more detail tomorrow as it is 1 am now.

 

this makes sense. I agree with what guys do - date with hookup as a first goal. Women are more selective so from my perspective it just happens less often. If the guy doesn't play by my set of rules I should just move on. I definitely can't be with someone who doesn't express genuine passsion and excitement (alright it could be an act too, i would be ok if the acting is good!). J still don't understand why what I want is considered so untraditional.

 

You can make your own rules but if he plays by another set of them, then there will be a disconnect between you two.

 

I think wanting date-like behavior from a hookup type arrangement is not what you will typically get, which I think is what a lot of people are saying, ie the majority of people play by the other set of rules.

 

You should probably keep your search going so maybe you can find someone who wants no commitment but will treat you like you are dating. I think both of those things are at odds though so it may be a tough ask OR a long search.

 

But if you think about it like this: the "search" will satisfy your goal; you will keep getting hookups where the first or second time may have a date like quality and then you keep it moving. As long as you realize that your "process" can sort this dilemma out for you. As a matter of fact, I think its a strategy guys use as a no brainer--date with first goal to hookup and not really in a place to commit to a relationship so they jump from short term thing to short term thing, effectively hookups disguised as dates. As a distant goal, they are evaluating the person for a real relationship but it takes a lot for it to stick if that's possible at all; sometimes they are not honest with themselves or the people they are dating about their intentions because they have trouble understanding the intentions themselves. It's less common for a woman to do it, but you could do that. And get what you want from the process rather than a person. Not exactly the clearest of intentions BUT it is a solution. I feel like if you keep using tinder for your dates, they are effectively on notice about this as a potential outcome.

 

I think the one person you need to make sure you aren't lying to is yourself. I think biologically it's pretty hard for the majority of women to just hookup without having feelings. In fact, your thread is almost a conformation of that, ie you want someone who will "date" you and make you feel like he's got feelings for you and should be someone suitable for a relationship even though you SAY you don't want to act on that portion of it for your own reasons.

[Gaeta]

Unless I missed something where did Coldfire ever say she wants or expects "date-like" behavior?

 

She said she wants him to show a little excitement about just having had sex with her, some enthusiasm reflecting his desire to have sex with her again.

 

Just because this is a FWB arrangement, she still wants and needs to feel sexually desired... that's normal.

 

This has nothing to do with "date-like" behavior, or him acting like her "boyfriend" unless again I missed something.

 

I won't dig into this thread but somewhere in beginning she mentioned reading some 'rules' and understood if a man was interested he would get back to the lady within 72 hours. Those are dating rules. Sure a FWB can show interest but he can show it the following weekend, following week or 3 days down the road. He does not fall within the 3 day rules we all talk about in dating.

[Gaeta]

Just because this is a FWB arrangement, she still wants and needs to feel sexually desired... that's normal.

 

He would have shown his sexual desire for her in time when he would have wanted sex again. This was a FWB encounter and she wants him to what? court her? pursue her? each time as if it were the first time?

 

The man had sex, his sexual needs were taken care of, he's good for a couple of days without sex. That's normal.

 

For all of us who had FWB this is not the type of relationship to get 'attention' and not the type of relationship to get good morning text. We get the occasional text to set up meetings and that's it.

 

Show me a man on here that is wiling to invest the time and effort OP is demanding in a fwb situation. Read: Joseb

Edited August 12, 2016 by Gaeta

[elaine567]

He would have shown his sexual desire for her in time when he would have wanted sex again.

 

And as he even admits to being highly promiscuous, then the OP may be well down his list of women he wants to sleep with even if he did get horny in a few hours time.

He also has a drinking problem which may have meant he may have "lost" the next few days...

 

The assumption here by the OP is that the OP is someone that this man would be wowed by, and that she somehow deserves "communication" and "attention", when the reality may be that next day he went "meh!", or that "love them and leave them" is his MO.

Just because she doesn't want a relationship and she wants "casual" or a FWB relationship, does not necessarily mean she is someone he wants to see again.

 

I guess some men want NSA sex as that is exactly what it is; NSA.

There is no need to jump through hoops, no need to spare "feelings", no need to "communicate" (not in the way many women want to "communicate" anyway), no need to set up extravagant dates, no need to lavish attention, no need to have long in-depth talks or engage in petty arguments.

 

What it sounds like the OP wants is a bf, not Mr Right, but Mr RightNow.

[katiegrl]

He would have shown his sexual desire for her in time when he would have wanted sex again. This was a FWB encounter and she wants him to what? court her? pursue her? each time as if it were the first time?

 

The man had sex, his sexual needs were taken care of, he's good for a couple of days without sex. That's normal.

 

For all of us who had FWB this is not the type of relationship to get 'attention' and not the type of relationship to get good morning text. We get the occasional text to set up meetings and that's it.

 

Show me a man on here that is wiling to invest the time and effort OP is demanding in a fwb situation. Read: Joseb

 

Fair enough and I guess this is precisely why FWB relationships don't interest me.

 

For me, when I have sex it's because I am into a guy, he is into me, sexually and otherwise.

 

Contacting me occasionally when he wants sex = No thank you. Does nothing for me.

 

OP, is this how YOU feel too?

 

If so, stay away from FWB type arrangements.... they don work for everyone.

[Gaeta]

Here is what she wants:

 

Post #20

I would love to date but I am in no position to date right now because it wouldn't be fair to anyone including myself. I have to try what you explained about the different guys for different things. But why would I waste somebody's and my time just to cuddle? Isn't it better to see someone for a month and then move on.

 

Post #66

I wouldn't mind him seeing others and not spending too much time with me. I would like to do the same. I don't want to make any plans for the future or meet his family, ever. I don't see long term potential. I don't even need to go out that much with him

 

 

That is a fwb, not even, this is a F buddy situation BUT she wants him to call, flirt, pursue her and make her feel all giggly inside.

 

She is also contradicting her self, I suspect because she is just coming out of a relationship and she is confused. She is upset he has not called her after sex to set up another 'date' but in #20 she says she doesn't want to date. She is also frustrated because he is showing independence and not blowing her phone the day after BUT in #66 she says she doesn't want to spend too much time with him and would be ok he sees other women. Maybe that is exactly what he was doing.

 

OP does not know what she wants. In this thread she contradicts herself from one post to another.

[katiegrl]

Tnx for breaking it down Gaeta... I get it now.

[Redhead14]

I think Gaeta is spot on. In addition, the OP did say somewhere along the line that she didn't like the fact that the guy didn't seem very enthusiastic about having sex with her. She wants passion which doesn't necessarily exist in an F Buddy relationship. Being horny and scratching an itch (which is what F buddy's are about), is different than having passionate/intimate sex.

[Redhead14]

I think Gaeta is spot on. In addition, the OP did say somewhere along the line that she didn't like the fact that the guy didn't seem very enthusiastic about having sex with her. She wants passion which doesn't necessarily exist in an F Buddy relationship. Being horny and scratching an itch (which is what F buddy's are about), is different than having passionate/intimate sex.

 

The OP is discovering one of the pitfalls of not being clear in her head about what she wants. Having indiscriminate sex when you really want a deeper relationship, is empty and unfulfilling and confusing for most women.

[Coldfire]

I wanted to provide an update about the situation but could not add this to the original posting.

 

After I texted the guy that I don't think I should see him again, he asked me to clarify why and I explained that I need more passion and excitement than he will likely be able to provide given his lifestyle and preferences. Based on the feedback I received here, I also told him that I understand that what I require may be unconventional but I have to stay true to myself etc. He replied that he had a great time, likes and respects me and would like to see how things develop between us. I said that I would think about it and get back to him if I change my mind.

[Coldfire]

mortensorchid

 

yes, i enjoyed his company but don't want to get to know him that much. if he was willing to sustain the illusion of romance I would sleep with him again but there is nothing between us.

 

I am not sure if the male/female difference is the major issue here. I have always been very avoidant in relationships and unwilling to commit. I am far more interested in romance with a person I don't know or understand completely than in traditional dating where I slowly get to know the other person.

 

You said you aren't into casual sex but you suddenly want something else out of this situation? Sorry, but you contradicted yourself. Then again, I realize some of that is not your fault. Women have been conditioned to think one way and men another (Mars and Venus). Women build a social contract with sex, men are just doing what feels good and then go about their business. I have been in similar places with it, you think something is going to happen when in fact it does not.

 

Move on. What's done is done. You don't know this person at all, do you? And would you want to? Not really. Life is complicated.

[Coldfire]

BluesPower

 

For some reason I am happier on Tinder. I meet people right away, most of the time it doesn't work out but I don't waste endless time with texts and phone calls only to find out there is no chemistry....

 

If all you want is to get properly laid and he calls or texts, go for it if you are comfortable with doing that.

 

Meanwhile, if you want a real relationship maybe with someone, this guy is not it.

 

If you want something more you are going to have to maybe go somewhere besides tinder. POF and OkCupid are more for real dating, tinder is to get laid.

 

You are grown, if this guy does not get back to you, find another F-Boy.

[smackie9]

mortensorchid

 

yes, i enjoyed his company but don't want to get to know him that much. if he was willing to sustain the illusion of romance I would sleep with him again but there is nothing between us.

 

I am not sure if the male/female difference is the major issue here. I have always been very avoidant in relationships and unwilling to commit. I am far more interested in romance with a person I don't know or understand completely than in traditional dating where I slowly get to know the other person.

An illusion of romance.....? now I have heard everything. I don't see the difference between real romance and an illusion....still requires the same effort. lol

[Redhead14]

mortensorchid

 

yes, i enjoyed his company but don't want to get to know him that much. if he was willing to sustain the illusion of romance I would sleep with him again but there is nothing between us.

 

I am not sure if the male/female difference is the major issue here. I have always been very avoidant in relationships and unwilling to commit. I am far more interested in romance with a person I don't know or understand completely than in traditional dating where I slowly get to know the other person.

 

I am far more interested in romance with a person I don't know or understand completely -- I thought you couldn't be more contradictory than you have been throughout this thread, until I read this . . .

 

That's not romance . . . that's hormones and endorphins and living on temporary highs. You are confused to a spectacular degree.

 

Please listen to most of us here, you need to back off dating or whatever it is you are trying to do until you get some clarity for yourself.

 

if he was willing to sustain the illusion of romance -- Hire an actor. You want a guy to pretend to be in love with you and treat you like a woman he respects and adores and who inspires passion in him while knowing all you want is to get laid without any emotion from you. Paleeze.

[Coldfire]

Gaeta,

 

Thank you for your comments and I understand that what I want is difficult to find and that this guy can't provide it. However, I would totally not sleep again with someone if he is not showering me with compliments and sharing his excitement about the sex and me the next day. This is just how I am. This is what I need. I have another lover I am seeing occasionally who does exactly this and everything is perfect. We contact each other occasionally, treat each other with respect and admiration and sex is just breathtaking. I can not imagine my life with this man and I am sure he feels the same way but we create this perfect romance when we are together.

 

I won't dig into this thread but somewhere in beginning she mentioned reading some 'rules' and understood if a man was interested he would get back to the lady within 72 hours. Those are dating rules. Sure a FWB can show interest but he can show it the following weekend, following week or 3 days down the road. He does not fall within the 3 day rules we all talk about in dating.

[smackie9]

I get it now....you are only getting half of your cake.