! A (lame) question about behavior after sex...

[Coldfire]

TXGuy

 

Ok, it is true that his presentation influenced my decision making. I wouldn't have dumped him if he presented himself as a more responsible, trustworthy guy. Yes, he had 4 drinks and I had one so I perceived him as a drunk[]. But it doesn't seem like I hurt his feelings, if he is doing this on a regular basis and telling me, and treating women like this why would he expect a different treatment?

 

OP hands type one thing but her brain says another.

 

You wanted a hook up then get mad when he doesn't call you. He isn't going to unless he wants to get laid on his time. That's how hook ups work. Figure out what it is you actually want from a guy before sleeping with him next time.

 

She knew both those things (promiscuous and alcoholic) prior to having sex with, and then dumping, him.

 

So it seems your position now is that you would encourage men to sleep with, and then dump, drunken [promiscuous partners]

Edited August 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language and edit quotes

[Coldfire]

So there are only 2 options - casual sex or serious dating?

 

I simply disagree. I loved spending time with him but I need more enthusiasm about the sex to be turned on. He didn't provide that so I left (and yes I did want to have the upper hand) I think this is good enough of a boundary. Nobody is getting hurt.

 

I didn't want him to stay over but he insisted -- what does this mean? If you didn't want him there, you should have stuck to your guns. Learn how to set boundaries and enforce them -- #1.

 

Not looking for something too serious immediately but I've never been into casual sex either. -- Evidence to the contrary in this situation.

 

You are being wishy washy about your goals and boundaries. Either you want to date casually without sex or you want to have sex without a relationship. Until you get clear in your head about what you want, you will find yourself in confusing situations often.

 

I don't understand this line of thinking:

 

On one hand you say,

 

Not looking for something too serious immediately

 

And, then on the other hand,

 

but I've never been into casual sex either.

 

You ended up having casual sex with this guy and kinda knew he wasn't going be all in for moving forward (which you don't want anyway), and yet you're concerned that you aren't hearing from him?????

 

Casual sex usually means once and done or simply goes into an FWB situation. And, a woman who doesn't have her dating goals and boundaries in order cannot maintain an FWB without getting hurt or end up hoping for more with that person.

 

Figure yourself out before you go out into the dating world. A person who is recently out of a relationship needs to give themselves plenty of space to make sure their head space in clear and focused . . .

[SunnySide0418]

I'm curious if he responded to your text ?

[VeveCakes]

Not going to get anywhere with anyone being that guarded.

[Coldfire]

I'm curious if he responded to your text ?

 

Yes he said that he didn't understand but my feeling is that he reacted like this because he was surprised/ his ego was hurt. I think he is used to being chased by women which I find unattractive. I told him that we could potentially reconnect in the future. I don't think I can go back at this point. But a part of me still thinks that perhaps I overreacted....

 

Maybe I should have waited a couple of days, let it go, whatever but I preferred to end things on a high note. I told him I had a phenomenal evening but felt that it would be best for us to not meet again. Now, if he was more enthusiastic and has attempted to schedule another date during this weekend, I would have been happy to see him again. I feel confused about some of the feedback I have received regarding not having boundaries. I think telling a man that I don't want to see him again because he lets me wondering if he is attracted or not, no matter how much I like him, means that I have boundaries in place and will not let him hurt me.

[Coldfire]

Not going to get anywhere with anyone being that guarded.

 

I think that with the right man (FB or a potential bf, doesn't matter) I would feel comfortable and know exactly where I stand. Isn't the fact that I was feeling anxious and thought he may dump me enough to justify my decision to leave? I think so. I was just asking if I gave him enough time, that's all..

[morrowrd]

So it's "reject ye first, lest ye be rejected" - while I understand, I am going to challenge you on your "he made me happy" statement. I am not feeling that, since the rest of the story says otherwise. Irresponsible alcoholic partying good looking guy who has sex with you. He hates texting (communicating) so you got a little horny and took care of some sexual needs <using> him yet you don't want to feel cheap when he discards you.

 

Here's some advice, nothings free.

[Coldfire]

Ok morrowrd, now you are making me feel guilty and selfish

 

He was an adorable alcoholic and wannable writer. I'm sure he struggles in his own way. But I firmly believe that if a guy really wants to see a woman he schedules a date.

 

Now I realize he may have been out of cash because he insisted on paying for everything. Still, I needed to feel more wanted.

 

Why is everything so complicated?

 

 

 

So it's "reject ye first, lest ye be rejected" - while I understand, I am going to challenge you on your "he made me happy" statement. I am not feeling that, since the rest of the story says otherwise. Irresponsible alcoholic partying good looking guy who has sex with you. He hates texting (communicating) so you got a little horny and took care of some sexual needs <using> him yet you don't want to feel cheap when he discards you.

 

Here's some advice, nothings free.

[SunnySide0418]

Yes he said that he didn't understand but my feeling is that he reacted like this because he was surprised/ his ego was hurt. I think he is used to being chased by women which I find unattractive. I told him that we could potentially reconnect in the future. I don't think I can go back at this point. But a part of me still thinks that perhaps I overreacted....

 

Maybe I should have waited a couple of days, let it go, whatever but I preferred to end things on a high note. I told him I had a phenomenal evening but felt that it would be best for us to not meet again. Now, if he was more enthusiastic and has attempted to schedule another date during this weekend, I would have been happy to see him again. I feel confused about some of the feedback I have received regarding not having boundaries. I think telling a man that I don't want to see him again because he lets me wondering if he is attracted or not, no matter how much I like him, means that I have boundaries in place and will not let him hurt me.

 

I think you did the right thing. Fwb or not a guy should make you feel good not bad. Even if you waited he still wasn't saying the things y ou wanted/needed so it would have been the same outcome. Move on.. There's always others.

[deep_night]

honestly, i think you did right, protecting yourself after what HE said about his character.... dont think about it twice.

[SoThatHappened]

(nevermind...)

Edited August 10, 2016 by SoThatHappened

[Vado]

LOL...did you even read the OPs post, or were you just too driven to repeat your usual mantra about how women are gold diggers, and you missed the part in her post where she says she has a good job and owns her home?

 

Lover boy is still in college and fills HIS spare time with trips to the bar with his frat buddies and chasing skirts. The guy couldn't support a damned goldfish.

 

OP, I think you were smart for dumping this guy. It wouldn't have lasted anyway.

 

You misinterpreted my words, the boy she found was in the mean time; she was looking for a provider, the boy was not, that's why she dumped him. If the guy couldn't support a damn goldfish, he's no provider is he?

 

I never wrote she's a golddigger. If a woman wants a man that can be a provider for her future kids (so she don't have to pay everything), why would she be a golddigger?

[joseb]

OP, alcoholics are not adorable.

You are trivialising a serious issue that many of us on here have personal experience with.

 

He is most likely just a guy who likes a drink.

 

As to the rest, yes there are some fine lines between fwb and relationship, but you are really expecting pretty much 95% relationship behaviour.

This will only happen with a guy who needs to pretend he wants a relationship to hook up with girls.

So if you go looking for this, you will most definitely get hurt.

 

Sounds like this guy was honest. If I were him, I too would not understand your reaction.

[longjohn]

I thought if he truly liked me he would have attempted to arrange another date and would have been more enthusiastic about texting/calling. I followed my instinct but maybe I was simply afraid because of the way he presented himself...

 

You said it right there, trust your gut. If he wanted to see you again he would have made the effort. If I were he and interested I'd have texted or asked to get coffee or something. If I got knocked back or ignored I'd leave it as is.

 

If you've got your life together and he hasn't that can put strain on a relationship too. Would you want to be his crutch while he gets his crap together if he gets it together.

[Versacehottie]

Ok morrowrd, now you are making me feel guilty and selfish

 

He was an adorable alcoholic and wannable writer. I'm sure he struggles in his own way. But I firmly believe that if a guy really wants to see a woman he schedules a date.

 

Now I realize he may have been out of cash because he insisted on paying for everything. Still, I needed to feel more wanted.

 

Why is everything so complicated?

 

Hmmmm, you want a date from a guy you met on tinder (right? i forgot now), who you SAY you are fine being casual with and possibly is just for hookups. I agree with whoever said you need to get clear in your own intentions in order to convey them. I wouldn't expect or want or need a "date" under these conditions--it implies other things; things you "claim" not to want. (don't really believe that, but ok).

 

And if your only real question is: were you too abrupt/too soon in your "rejection" of him? Yes of course. That was a knee jerk reaction that doesn't match what is going on in your head. I'm not even touching his suitability for good bf (drinking problem potentially and whatever else). Not sure why you want to take on an alcoholic mess as a FWB either though? It's all confusing.

[Coldfire]

joseb

 

My apologies, wrong choice of words. Unfortunately he does have a drinking problem which is indeed quite sad, definitely not adorable.

 

I need to reflect on what I need. I am confused and I guess I don't understand.

 

I wouldn't mind him seeing others and not spending too much time with me. I would like to do the same. I don't want to make any plans for the future or meet his family, ever. I don't see long term potential. I don't even need to go out that much with him. Why does what I seek qualify as relationship behavior?

 

I lived in France for the last 6 yrs and just moved back to the US. I think we are talking about some serious cultural differences here? Your insight is truly appreciated.

 

OP, alcoholics are not adorable.

You are trivialising a serious issue that many of us on here have personal experience with.

 

He is most likely just a guy who likes a drink.

 

As to the rest, yes there are some fine lines between fwb and relationship, but you are really expecting pretty much 95% relationship behaviour.

This will only happen with a guy who needs to pretend he wants a relationship to hook up with girls.

So if you go looking for this, you will most definitely get hurt.

 

Sounds like this guy was honest. If I were him, I too would not understand your reaction.

[Coldfire]

You said it right there, trust your gut. If he wanted to see you again he would have made the effort. If I were he and interested I'd have texted or asked to get coffee or something. If I got knocked back or ignored I'd leave it as is.

 

If you've got your life together and he hasn't that can put strain on a relationship too. Would you want to be his crutch while he gets his crap together if he gets it together.

 

longjohn

 

Thank you. I trusted my gut. Would you have texted immediately though? He keeps texting now so it is very confusing. I think what you said about me having my life together is a very important point. It really doesn't bother me but perhaps it bothers him.

Edited August 11, 2016 by Coldfire

[Coldfire]

honestly, i think you did right, protecting yourself after what HE said about his character.... dont think about it twice.

 

Yes! I really appreciated your feedback, deep_night. So true.

[Coldfire]

I think you did the right thing. Fwb or not a guy should make you feel good not bad. Even if you waited he still wasn't saying the things y ou wanted/needed so it would have been the same outcome. Move on.. There's always others.

 

Thank you, SunnySide0418!

 

At the end of the day it matters how we feel. Trying to move on.

[joseb]

 

I wouldn't mind him seeing others and not spending too much time with me. I would like to do the same. I don't want to make any plans for the future or meet his family, ever. I don't see long term potential. I don't even need to go out that much with him. Why does what I seek qualify as relationship behavior?

 

I lived in France for the last 6 yrs and just moved back to the US. I think we are talking about some serious cultural differences here? Your insight is truly appreciated.

 

The only thing you are not getting us that if it's casual/fwb don't expect date like behaviour.

Things like calling you next day, telling you you are wonderful, that sort of thing.

 

Thats not to say he would never call or text, but its more likely to be to arrange another trist. Just don't expect morning how are yous etc.

[Coldfire]

The only thing you are not getting us that if it's casual/fwb don't expect date like behaviour.

Things like calling you next day, telling you you are wonderful, that sort of thing.

 

Thats not to say he would never call or text, but its more likely to be to arrange another trist. Just don't expect morning how are yous etc.

 

Thanks, joseb.

 

Then I can definitely not deal with this and I don't know where this leaves me since I am not able to commit to anyone at the moment and can't have completely meaningless sex either

[Gaeta]

I wouldn't mind him seeing others and not spending too much time with me. I would like to do the same. I don't want to make any plans for the future or meet his family, ever. I don't see long term potential. I don't even need to go out that much with him..

 

There is a someone for every need. You just need to be clear about what you are looking for. Which you have not done with this guy, you just expected him to act a certain way and what you expected from him did not even fall within the norms.

 

You are looking for a FWB and the 'friend' part is important. If you explain that from the get go there will be many volunteers to fill that role. You want sex and companionship with no commitment. It's very common.

 

Why does what I seek qualify as relationship behavior?.

 

Because it's the norm here. Of course sometimes a few people fall out of the norm but 80% of the time what you are asking is found among people seeking relationships. Because calling the next day, following up, showing attention, courting, flirting, requires time and efforts.

 

And yes it could be cultural. I am Canadian dating a man from France. We deal with cultural differences often but we are in Canada and I am Canadian so he has to adjust to how things are done here, just like you have to adjust to how things are done in the US.

[JoeSmith357-1]

So, just to recap events: She bangs this Tinder guy on the second date. Then immediately dumps him for being too promiscuous for her. And the Ladies of Loveshack congratulate her on doing the right thing.

 

I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do or not, but it is interesting to see the reaction here when a common occurrence (that is often denounced) is gender flipped.

 

I was just about to post the same thing.

 

OP had sex with guy from tinder, was afraid of being dumped or him ghosting her, so she dumped him?? You don't see this too often when the girl does it, but women complain ALL the time about dudes doing this... kind of funny actually

[JoeSmith357-1]

You misinterpreted my words, the boy she found was in the mean time; she was looking for a provider, the boy was not, that's why she dumped him. If the guy couldn't support a damn goldfish, he's no provider is he?

 

I got the impression that she knew this BEFORE she slept with him... so where does that leave this??

[Coldfire]

I got the impression that she knew this BEFORE she slept with him... so where does that leave this??

 

JoeSmith357

 

I never said I was looking for a provider. I am looking for a great lover - not FB or FWB but definitely not a serious boyfriend. I was very happy to spend the night with this man and don't have any regrets. I wish he treated me in a way that would make me want more sex with him but his lack of excitement was a turn off. His bragging about being a male s@@t definitely influenced my decision as well. That's all. We all make our own rules.