Coping with end affair - trying to get on but it's so hard

[BluesPower]

No I have not. That conversation goes like this:

 

Do you want to get busy? cool?

 

In fact, I always tell them that 1) you really don't want to get involved with me, and 2) you really don't want to fall in love with me.

 

Look, some women out there are just so desperate to feel like that are in love. They want someone to love and "MAKE LOVE" to them, I am happy to do that. Or I was, I have reformed. I am tempted but I have not sleep any other woman than my wife for several months. I am a one woman man, for now.

 

I warned them and then I oblige them. I enjoy sex as much as the next person.

 

And look, I am not proud of myself, I know that I have issue. I am working on them.

[Adoraxx]

No I have not. That conversation goes like this:

 

Do you want to get busy? cool?

 

In fact, I always tell them that 1) you really don't want to get involved with me, and 2) you really don't want to fall in love with me.

 

Look, some women out there are just so desperate to feel like that are in love. They want someone to love and "MAKE LOVE" to them, I am happy to do that. Or I was, I have reformed. I am tempted but I have not sleep any other woman than my wife for several months. I am a one woman man, for now.

 

I warned them and then I oblige them. I enjoy sex as much as the next person.

 

And look, I am not proud of myself, I know that I have issue. I am working on them.

 

ahh ok Blues, I was just wondering and certainly not accusing you in any way. My xMM always told me how much he loves me and all that but his actions proved otherwise, also because he never seemed to want to make love in the way that I wanted it . I always felt like I was more a toy to him.

 

At least you warned the girls beforehand that it's better not to fall in love with you so that's good! My xMM always used my feelings for him to get what he wanted, never mind that I got terribly hurt because of that. In fact, I tried to get out so many times but then he punished me for that too, so it was a lose/ lose situation.

[BluesPower]

That is what I am saying. Most MM lie like dogs. I never really understood that myself. I have never really wanted anything with them except great sex. But it is not like I did not enjoy spending time with them. I liked them all, or I would not have been with them at all.

 

Look, even if I am not/was not a liar, I knew they were vulnerable and needed to get laid. I am not proud of that in any way.

 

Frankly you can judge me all you want, I have probable done most of it.

 

And the ones that I really liked being with, I just let that stuff go on way too long. And, I knew that they were going to get hurt in the end. What kind of man does that? No, I deserve to be judged harshly for the things I have done.

[Bryce0730]

@ Jemima1234 - I feel really bad for you and what you are going through, but I highly recommend therapy. I posted on another thread about currently being involved with somebody outside my marriage. I am in love with this girl and was going to move in with her earlier this year. She had a wall that she kept up due to past relationships. When we first met she told me I could never penetrate that wall and nobody could. Six months later she cried telling me that she is in love with me. I felt the same. My marriage was already broken, but not legally over. I am still working on that today.

Me and the OW have shared many, many intimate conversations about love and a future. We went house shopping for two months and found a place. But I needed more time to leave home. When I explained this to her she said okay that is fine. But two days later she completely turned and said we are done. She started texting/talking with another guy because she was hurt. Since then we've been on and off twice but it's never been quite the same. I still love her, but she will not use terms of endearments with me of any kind or say she loves me. She tells me she cannot do that unless I am free to love again.

I have never expressed to her my love or affection without meaning it. So if you MM tells you he loves you he probably does. Being a MM and in love with the OW is very stressful and not black or white. The issue is, if he will never leave his wife then you are simply wasting your time. Unless you are okay with just being the OW. Time away does make it better.

Blues - At least you were honest with each girl from the beginning. Question, did you ever get caught? Does your wife suspect anything?

[BluesPower]

Of course I got caught. Every one does. If you did not lie to your OW then you and I are the only 2 POS's like that in existence.

 

My wife knows everything. It was her choice to ask for another chance. I was happy to say yes, and we will see if it works out in the long run. But I was that the point of filing the next day, so I know that I will be ok no matter what happens.

 

This girl that you were seeing is smarted than most. If you want her you need to leave your wife if you think there is something there.

 

She may be gone anyway.

 

Good luck...

[Bryce0730]

Blues - You seem very okay ending your marriage if it comes to that. Are you truly in love with your wife? My OW is the type of girl who has experienced a lot of hurt and pain from guys... lots of let down. Although I am very different in how I treat her she doesn't trust me. I don't blame her I guess. She is strong enough to walk away from me and mask her pain. However, I am not this way. She is the only girl I have ever loved outside my wife and I have dated many many women. So ending an affair is extremely difficult.

[Bryce0730]

ahh ok Blues, I was just wondering and certainly not accusing you in any way. My xMM always told me how much he loves me and all that but his actions proved otherwise, also because he never seemed to want to make love in the way that I wanted it . I always felt like I was more a toy to him.

 

At least you warned the girls beforehand that it's better not to fall in love with you so that's good! My xMM always used my feelings for him to get what he wanted, never mind that I got terribly hurt because of that. In fact, I tried to get out so many times but then he punished me for that too, so it was a lose/ lose situation.

 

 

Adoraxx - What do you mean your ex didn't want to make love the way you wanted? I have some thoughts about that if you could share.

[BluesPower]

Look, of course I love my wife. I have never fallen in love with any of my other women. I liked some of them a whole lot, really enjoyed being with them, but it was never love.

 

Actually, for what ever reason, I think my wife is the only woman that I have loved. But, I know that I have also sacrificed myself for my wife for 26 years while she was a drug addict. I will not sacrifice my happiness for anyone ever again.

 

All I am saying is the if you don't love your wife, or if you guys cannot make a go of it for the long run and be really happy. Then you need to let her go so that she can find someone that truly loves her and you can be with someone that truly loves you.

 

You are young enough to do that and so is she. In the long run it is better for everyone, including the children.

 

If you love her and you want the marriage, then you have to let the OW go, and she is probably gone already anyway. Then you have to get serious about fixing your marriage. That is where the real work starts.

 

For me, just because I love my wife does not mean that I can be with her for the rest of my life. If she falls off the wagon or if something else goes wrong, then game over. I don't have to have any one woman to be happy. In fact, I am not sure that I can live the rest of my life having sex with just one woman, no matter how great the sex is. And, brother it is great between us and it always has been, except when her addiction got super bad over the last few years, and she was basically comatose.

 

So yeah, I can go either way with the whole situation.

 

You just have to decide what you really want and go for it.

[Bryce0730]

Blues - I totally get you and understand your situation. Two things... One, I've had a lot of sex with many women starting when I was in HS. Was fortunate to share the company of very beautiful and hot women in my time. But sex does not drive me anymore. I seek and enjoy the intimacy of a woman's company not always including sex. Don't get me wrong, I love sex, but I enjoy the emotional connection more these days. Spooning with a girl in a hotel who just needs to relax due to a tough work week is perfectly fine with me. Secondly, I honestly have never realized how hard it would be for me to move on with my life. This forum has opened my eyes to a different perspective. Now I am thinking to break things off with the OW and give my marriage a fair shake with no distraction. Then I will know for sure how I feel. I've been with the OW for over a year now. We have plans to travel more, but many times I believe she knows we are ultimately going nowhere so she is just enjoying our times until it ends....I do help her financially as well sometimes and I wonder if that is a factor for her.

[Adoraxx]

Adoraxx - What do you mean your ex didn't want to make love the way you wanted? I have some thoughts about that if you could share.

 

Hi Bryce,

 

I always felt like I was more of a quick f to xMM while I wanted to make love to him. In the beginning he made more of an effort but he never wanted to cuddle afterwards for example, and also it was always more both of us standing/ kneeling or whatever. Hated it SO MUCH.

What kind of those were you having about it all?

[Bryce0730]

Hi Bryce,

 

I always felt like I was more of a quick f to xMM while I wanted to make love to him. In the beginning he made more of an effort but he never wanted to cuddle afterwards for example, and also it was always more both of us standing/ kneeling or whatever. Hated it SO MUCH.

What kind of those were you having about it all?

 

 

Adoraxx - As you described your lack of connection with him I felt he really didn't "feel" anything truly with you. It was purely sexual with him. That is sad. You deserved better than that. I know a friend who is with a MM and he treats her the same. Just meet up for a quick f_ck with never any emotional connection. That requires some type of true feelings and he doesn't have it for her. But she tolerates it because she is in love with him. At least she thinks she is. Don't be like my friend.

[Adoraxx]

Adoraxx - As you described your lack of connection with him I felt he really didn't "feel" anything truly with you. It was purely sexual with him. That is sad. You deserved better than that. I know a friend who is with a MM and he treats her the same. Just meet up for a quick f_ck with never any emotional connection. That requires some type of true feelings and he doesn't have it for her. But she tolerates it because she is in love with him. At least she thinks she is. Don't be like my friend.

 

Thanks Bryce, I totally agree with you and it once again confirms what I know is true. I haven't had sex with him in a long time and it's not ever going to happen again. On top of that I'll be moving (yayyy me!! haha) so I'll be free from him once and for all!! Do you know if your friend's MM ever lied to her that he 'loves' her? Because I often got to hear "I love you so much" but well eventually I figured out that it can't be true because his actions never matched his words!! Thanks again for your kind post, I appreciate it MUCH

[Bryce0730]

Thanks Bryce, I totally agree with you and it once again confirms what I know is true. I haven't had sex with him in a long time and it's not ever going to happen again. On top of that I'll be moving (yayyy me!! haha) so I'll be free from him once and for all!! Do you know if your friend's MM ever lied to her that he 'loves' her? Because I often got to hear "I love you so much" but well eventually I figured out that it can't be true because his actions never matched his words!! Thanks again for your kind post, I appreciate it MUCH

 

 

Yeah, good for you on moving! My friend is delusional in that she believes he will leave his wife for her although he has NEVER said that he would. They don't go out anywhere only to her house for a quickie. That is literally it. It's been about 2-1/2 years and they have never gone out anywhere. He does tell her that he loves her, but like I said he has never said he was going to leave his wife. She follows him on FB and get's depressed when she sees him with his wife together or out together. She tortures herself.

Not a good situation.

[Rikki67]

Tell your friends to come to LS and read our stories.

[Scarletwolf]

The NC rule is there for your own protection. It allows you to take some time to think about yourself and what you really want in life. It's hard at the beginning, every single day is agony and nothing seems to help but, it gets easier with time. What helped me was my sister. She was with me 24/7, at my Beck and call and when I felt the need to call him I'd call her, no matter what time of the day it was. She took me out, we went shopping, even took me and my kids on a vacation! But most importantly, I was ready. I felt, deep inside I deserved better. I was pregnant and he still cheated on me. Are you ready to move on? Have you realized you deserve better yet?

[Adoraxx]

Yeah, good for you on moving! My friend is delusional in that she believes he will leave his wife for her although he has NEVER said that he would. They don't go out anywhere only to her house for a quickie. That is literally it. It's been about 2-1/2 years and they have never gone out anywhere. He does tell her that he loves her, but like I said he has never said he was going to leave his wife. She follows him on FB and get's depressed when she sees him with his wife together or out together. She tortures herself.

Not a good situation.

 

I hope your friend will see the light soon! That's so sad that she believes that he will leave his W for her . Not a good situation indeed..

[pkn06002]

Having just gotten out of an affair that spanned 10 years my advice don't try to repair things with your spouse just leave. An affair that lasts any length of time changes you to the point that trying to really rebuild is just not going to happen, divorce and move on and live a open and honest life after that.

 

But learn from the affair there are lessons there:

 

1) What was missing from your spouse that opened you up to cheating.

2) What attracted you to your affair partner

3) Most importantly why would it never work with your affair partner.

 

Because here is the thing everyone is broken the key is to find what is broken and address it to not repeat it.

[Bryce0730]

Having just gotten out of an affair that spanned 10 years my advice don't try to repair things with your spouse just leave. An affair that lasts any length of time changes you to the point that trying to really rebuild is just not going to happen, divorce and move on and live a open and honest life after that.

 

But learn from the affair there are lessons there:

 

1) What was missing from your spouse that opened you up to cheating.

2) What attracted you to your affair partner

3) Most importantly why would it never work with your affair partner.

 

Because here is the thing everyone is broken the key is to find what is broken and address it to not repeat it.

 

 

PKN - I've never really thought of those questions. But here you go.

1. Spouse was kind of boring. I believe she stopped trying and took our marriage for granted. Sexually very meh.

2. I am not sure, but guessing it was just the OW personality. She is funny, outgoing, and open sexually. She loves to cuddle and is sexy is many ways. So maybe just that she is something new.

3. It would never work with the OW because her baggage is too much to over come. Not for me but for her. She's had a man who treats her good and as well as I do. So she doesn't appreciate it. She is stubborn and truly believes she is right in not wanting to change. I can't waste my time and invest in someone like this long term. I've tried to show her something better, but it doesn't really change her.

[Jemima1234]

Hi

Have posted here before about my affair with MM. Which was over. But isn't really. But I know it needs to be I really do.

 

Here's facts. I am totally controlled by this situation. This man has a hold over me like nobody else ever has. In everything else in life I am controlled strong positive! But in this situation I am a wreck. And I hate that. And I hate what I am doing to hurt others- I am risking innocent lives!!! Can't believe I would do that. So why can't I do right???!!!

 

So as of right now - I am taking breadcrumbs. I know I am. He is not even pretending he is going to leave- he is clear he won't no matter what he says he feels for me. Yet I would prefer to have contact with him than nothing??? Why am I doing that to myself??!! I wait for him to text and phone - if he does I am happy, if he doesn't I am upset. Yesterday I caught him lying to me- he still says he didn't but I know he did- so of course now I wonder have I been lied to the whole time? He said to me in anger yesterday that this was his life none of my business (when I was obsessing about his marriage as I do!!!). I adore this man but I know I need to let this go and move on. I have to. This is eating me up inside.

 

I know what I need to do- I have said it before. But please help me do it. Talk to me- tell me all the reasons to go no contact and heal.

 

Thanks

[Cyra]

I wait for him to text and phone - if he does I am happy, if he doesn't I am upset. Yesterday I caught him lying to me- he still says he didn't but I know he did- so of course now I wonder have I been lied to the whole time? He said to me in anger yesterday that this was his life none of my business (when I was obsessing about his marriage as I do!!!).

 

Girl I hear you. I was exactly the same. My whole life revolved around him and communication with him. When he was texting me, I was ecstatic, and when he was not I was devastated. I was constantly obsessing about what he was doing. Every morning I was stressing whether he had sex with his wife the previous night. I would take any ****ty crumb of attention that he gave me and was grateful for it and it was pathetic.

So do you mean you have gotten back with him? Is the affair continuing? Sorry I have been following your story and I thought you said that you had agreed to end it but he was trying to be friends. I suppose that was him trying to wiggle his way back in.

If he is clearly telling you he is not going to leave his wife then you should just go. Not that you should believe him if he did! My xMM told me he would leave and he did, for not even 2 days before running back to her. So really really it comes down to, if he loved you he would make an effort for you, he would be there for you when you are down, he would not bail when things got hard and mostly he would prove with his actions that he loves you and wants to be with you. Hugs

[rainbowsandkittens]

Aw, I totally understand what you're going through.

 

I always remind myself, "When people tell you who they are, believe them."

 

He has told you he is staying in his marriage, he has made it clear his life is none of your business. It is never going to get better than this. He's not going to have a sudden change of heart and decide to give you more than crumbs. In fact, it's going to get to the point where even crumbs seem like a lot compared to what you're getting. You deserve so so so much more.

 

It is so hard. The worst. But it will get better eventually. But only if you walk away.

[BluesPower]

Whether you girls are married or not, Your MM is using you. Just like Bryce is using his OW and she is using him.

 

Bryce, I am not dogging you, I have been where you are at. You know you need to get out of the situation, decide if you want to try and save your marriage and make some final decisions. I know it sucks...

 

Ladies, I am so sorry that your all hurting over your MM. I have been that guy. While I was not the liars that most of your MM are I was just as bad in most ways.

 

They will never, hardly ever, leave their wives for a lot of reasons. Some of them actually love their wives.

 

The are simply using you girls for an ego boost and sex, that is really all that it is.

 

I realize how it hurts to hear this but most of you know that it is true. If you must, look up some of my other posts if you need a lot of details.

 

But trust me, what I am telling you is the truth.

[Bryce0730]

Blues - No worries bro and I know you are right. Odd thing this past week. I spent some quality time with my wife and it felt good. We spent the night at a friend's party and it was really fun. We connected and honestly I know I still love my wife. We went to the movies the following day and it still felt good. The OW is sexy, beautiful and can be fun, but I know she is not right for me. I'm not perfect, but I do know I deserve much better than what I get from her. I want to end it and focus on my wife. I really do. Looking at the OW and being around her will be tough. She is very sexy and that smile... UGH it is awesome. But I will do this damn it! Wish me luck everyone.

 

 

BTW - I work with the OW. I know I never mentioned that, but I do.

[imperfectangel]

Well I ended my 12 yr affair and haven't even heard from my mm since. I wished him well but it doesn't seem he can do the same for me even though HES the one that said he wanted me to get my own relationship with another man.

 

 

Really, they don't care.

 

As soon as he realised he wouldn't get anything out of me he couldn't even be bothered to email me a goodbye.

 

Disappear on him and you'll soon find out if they care or not

[BluesPower]

Bryce - Working with her is hard.

 

And dude, they are all sexy. I know what its like, but you know you are in a world of S*** if you don't knock it off. I have been there as well.

 

Good luck...