Coping with end affair - trying to get on but it's so hard

[NeotericJack]

Grey Cloud,

 

I TRIPLE like your post.

 

No, nothing changes for them. If the OW leaves, life just flows on for MM.

 

Poppy.

 

That's just not so. They hurt, too.

 

I know.

[BuddyX]

Main reason behind the hurt, OW tend to make the MM a priority. I see it time and again on LS. "Got no one to turn you", "Don't have any friends".

 

I was with my ExW for 15 years, married 10. After I found out about her infidelities, you know how long it took me to get over her? 24 hours. I even told her "Honey, you're just version 1.0, I know I can upgrade"

 

My friends were right there for me. A beer, a night out, crashing on their sofa. That's real love righ there.

 

You treat'em like a main course meal, when you're nothing but a dessert.

 

Time to live a little-with friends. Time to enjoy yourself. You weren't put on this earth to be someone's mistress.

[Grey Cloud]

Thank you everyone

 

You are all so right- I know you are! Friends is impossible. It's so hard because this guy was my best friend, someone I can be totally myself with. I know him, I don't doubt he has had deep feelings for me- but hey not enough! Realty is he has chosen. And I have chosen too I guess. But it kills me to see him getting on with his life.

 

I hate the fact I am struggling right now. I love my kids, I have a great job, a lovely family and amazing friends! I shouldn't be this low! But I am!!!

 

I obsess about his life. Like right now- is he having sex with her? Has he resumed a sex life? Or was he lying and has been having sex all along? crazy mind I know!!

 

Have got antidepressants and counselling planned! Hope it helps!

 

So appreciate the support on here thank you

 

There is no point obsessing anymore - what he is doing with his wife, what he is up to. It's not going to change anything except make YOU feel worse!!

 

When xMM and I ended its like he flipped a switch and overnight just picked himself up and got on with things. We still worked together at that stage. It just about killed me at the time because I was struggling big time. He also seemed annoyed at me for feeling guilt and not getting over it. He left work and then we decided a month later to be "friends". Except I was still a secret and there were still certain rules about what times we could contact each other so that he didn't have to worry about being secretive with his phone. It made me feel awful and in the end I felt worse about staying friends because it was never the same. I am now feeling better being in NC.

 

Xmm view the affair for what it is so can move on quite quickly. My xmm once said to me that of course he was sad but the whole thing was a train wreck waiting to happen so from that perspective it was a good thing it ended. They can be more pragmatic about the situation and assign the whole thing to their memory bank and move on.

[lemondrop21]

Yeah... no being friends.

 

It will probably be a scab that you'll continue to pick occasionally. I have this situation with xMM at work. But I started detaching a long time ago and it has really helped. It's a gradual process. No quick fix unfortunately. Try reading "The No Contact Rule" by Natalie Lue even if you're not 100% NC it will give you ideas and make you think.

 

If he was really emotionally invested in you (impossible to say) then he may very well be putting up a front. But even if he is, so what? What does that change? You might eventually get him to break down and have that "I miss you so much, I'm really hurting" conversation, but then what? You both agreed it should end. I know you want to feel validated, but sometimes you have to try and take a colder attitude in order to start moving on.

 

Also realize that you're human and you have feelings and you need to take care of YOU. If he can handle a friendship, that's nice for him.. but you cannot. Embrace yourself and your emotions, even the negative ones, because they mean that you're alive, you can learn from this opportunity, and you can look forward to a brighter, drama-free future. Good luck.

Edited August 24, 2016 by lemondrop21

[Poppy47]

Why would you want to? Just in case he changes his mind? Or he is thinking he will keep you on a string ?

Poppy.

[Poppy47]

That's just not so. They hurt, too.

 

I know.

 

I didn't say there was no hurt, just no visible disruption to their every day existence. That's what MM want. A smooth life at home with no disruptions.

 

Poppy

[Midlifecrisis1]

Jemima...you are in a very similar circumstance to me. I saw your other thread and cried because i felt that you were speaking my words. mine also ended 3 weeks ago after 4 months (which i try to keep telling myself is so short, it's nothing). but we had become best friends and lovers and spoke of a future together. he said soulmates, he said he wanted to marry me, he was putting away money to take a big trip with me when the time would finally come for us to be together for real. he was the romantic dreamer and i was more practical. i am afraid that my comments to him in being practical kind of planted the seed for him to end it and he is being so strong and abiding by NC and it kills me to think he is fine when I am crying every day. now i wish i had never said anything to him that may have brought him into reality and wish i had kept letting him think the dream could be real. i regret everything. I know how you feel. i tried to continue being his friend, but without the "i love you and i miss you" i was hurting with every conversation. I do believe NC is the right thing, but it's so damn hard. I'm off to my therapy appointment now.

[Jemima1234]

Hi

I posted a few times about the end of my affair. I would love to tell you it ended there but sadly it hasn't. However I am determined that it has to now before it breaks me any more than already has. And I want to stop being a person who does something which is just wrong!!

 

But here's the complication- I said no contact impossible and this is why - I have a child with this man. My child has a good relationship with him and sees him regularly. How can I handle this now? No contact is impossible! But i don't know how to move forward from here.

 

I really do love this man. He is a good dad to my child. But I need to heal now somehow and try and move forward with my life.

 

Please help! I know I am a fool to have got myself in this situation. I need to get this right for my child in particular and for everyone else. I hate myself for what I have done but wish this didn't hurt like hell!!

 

Thanks

Edited September 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Jemima1234]

Thank you for responses- so appreciate them, just haven't been in place to respond. Have posted again now

[NTV]

You could notify his wife and file for child support....

[Jemima1234]

His wife knows. It's no secret. And he supports his child

[anika99]

Okay, well if your child is not a secret then why do you have to have contact with the MM? Arrange a proper visitation schedule where the MM picks the child up for the visit and then drops him off. Ask him to have some other trusted person do the pick up and drop off or if your child is old enough just tell the MM to wait in his car and the child can go out to the car. Having a child doesn't mean that you have to see the MM or spend time with him.

[whichwayisup]

His wife knows. It's no secret. And he supports his child

 

Then you limit your contact, only deal with him when it pertains to your child, nothing else. NO in between calls or chats, personal conversations. you give make yourself accountable for your own feelings and reactions, work hard to detach and never allow yourself to wish or hope for something else between you two. He chose his wife obviously and he's not leaving her, she's not leaving him.

 

Get counseling and work on you to get strong and never put yourself in that situation again (with him or any other MM).

[aileD]

Wait I'm confused....

 

I am now 3 weeks down the line from my 6 month affair.

 

How can you have a child with him already? Were you with him prior?

[NTV]

You speak like you have no control over your own emotions. You know you aren't powerless to them.

 

 

I suggested two things because I imagined that doing something like filing for child support would piss him the heck off. And it's a lot easier not to talk to someone when they don't want to talk to you either.

[Ronnie33]

He is a good man to his child, but he is not a good man, to you, or his wife.

[Jemima1234]

Yes I was with him before. We have a much loved and precious child together. But I know it's still wrong what we are doing

 

I also know you are all right. I need to look at other ways to manage this doing right by our child.

 

So painful tho

[grassisorisntgreener]

His wife isn't on high alert and making sure he isn't seeing you?

[Jemima1234]

Just really letting off some steam. why is it so difficult? It just seems to be so painful. I know what's right, I want to do right, but "right" hurts so badly too!!! I wish I didn't love xMM - I am not like this about anything or anyone else in life!!! How can this man affect me so much??!

 

Just feel so low tonight. I wish could be with him. I hate the fact he in bed with someone else. I wish he loved me half as much as I love him!!!! I question and obsess over everything. On the surface life goes on- I work, look after my kids, meet friends etc - but inside I am just so sad.

 

Rant over sorry!!!!

[oceansaway]

Feel your pain. Your not alone. It is just that it was a fantasy relationship. We crave what we can't have. Any addiction is very difficult to overcome.

 

Personally I am glad I don't have all the drama anymore but it doesn't mean I don't miss him. It's just loneliness taking over my mind. It wasn't a real relationship. All fantasy...but doesn't mean I don't miss it. Wish you the best

[sadsickandscared]

When you work it out could you share it....

 

 

I'm starting to think the only way to end it is to hit rock bottom and bounce... or lose everything.

 

 

I'm trying to just become more emotionally detached but it isn't working. I care too much.

[Miss Clavel]

can you guys explain to me what you mean by "love" and what you "love" about these men?

 

seriously, i just don't get it.

 

and altho my crush wasn't married and niether am i, i've walked a few miles in your shoes.

 

until the time i took my pride back, drew a line and never changed my mind.

 

yes, i miss the man, i was "with" him for five years. i'm here to tell you the heights i soared with him, the air up there is the sweetest, the fall, not so much.

 

in the end, i realized that he was who i made him into with the excuses i told myself to explain away the games he played with my head.

 

he didn't deserve me, he's beneath me.

 

i don't give a **** if i ever speak to him again. he treated me like ****, alot, and i let him.

 

so, i do understand.

 

i just don't get the fact that you keep letting the bottom get lower.

 

hit the bottom already. for the love of god.

 

xoxo

[patriots22]

Nothing to add, except I feel your pain. These thoughts run through my head every night. Especially when he says "I love you more." UGH. No, I can assure you that you don't!

[BluesPower]

Jemima1234... No judgment here, I really know how much you are hurting. I have read you other thread, but is there are more that one, maybe you used a different name.

 

And I am in no way making light of what you are feeling, because to you, it is so real, and deep and exciting, I mean the affair was just really great. Until it was not, and now, it is not.

 

I do find it sad and funny that all of the women here think because they had one or two or even three affairs, they fell in love, had sex outside of their marriage, some broke up their families and some really hurt their husbands in a way that they did not know that they could, they think that they are the most horrible person in the world.

 

Don't get me wrong, all of us a just real POS's, make no mistake about that.

 

But the fact is, that I am really one of the biggest POS's that there is and most of you are not even in the same league as people like me. I have hurt women like you so badly over the years by getting involved with them. And while I never lied to them about being in love with them, which I was not, I knew they were falling in love with me and I did not break it off like I should have. Some of them have actually lost their minds over the break up. I still feel bad about that and I should.

 

Look, frankly you are going to hurt for a while, it is just like any other love affair. When it is over you just really hurt so bad, sometimes you think you will die. I get that.

 

But, here is the truth, I was not real, it was an affair. Affairs, by definition are not real love. While you are in it, it is exciting, the sex is GREAT, most of the time, but outside of that affair bubble it is not real.

 

What you have to do is work on yourself, and get mentally healthy, and figure out what you want out of life. It is never to late to do that. I am 52, and I have just started to do that. And frankly, I am starting to fell great.

 

If you love your husband, or you ever did, try, try, try, to work things out with him. Try to fall in love again, talk to him, find new ways to make love with him. The two of you can try MC and see if you can have a happy marriage.

 

If you cannot fix the marriage, and or you don't love your husband, then have the courage to get a divorce and start a new life. Find someone that you can have a passionate love affair with that will actually be REAL.

 

It is simply not worth living a life without love in it, it really is just not.

[Adoraxx]

I have hurt women like you so badly over the years by getting involved with them. And while I never lied to them about being in love with them, which I was not, I knew they were falling in love with me and I did not break it off like I should have.

 

Hi BluesPower,

I'm just curious... Have you ever told an OW that you love her? I guess not because you said you never lied to them about being in love with them? Have you never said anything like "I really do love you" to persuade a woman to have sex with you?