High Functioning Alcoholic

[manheart1989]

I was with a functioning alcoholic for 10 years, married for 3. We are now divorced. I couldn't take it anymore. His parents are also both functioning alcoholics. They all drink tons of beer. And even at work. ....worry and heartache. Good luck to you. I know how you feel. I thought I could fix my ex husband too. Took me 10 years to realize it was a lost cause.

 

Thanks for sharing startinganew777. I really appreciate it. These are the things I need to hear even though it's hard.

 

At least I'm only 10 months in and not married with kids. I'd be even more hard!

 

I don't know why I can't picture myself without him though. He has so much to offer, I love his family, I love his friends, he is the whole package and then this addiction had to get in the way.

 

I wish I knew about it before we got serious, even on our first date he had like 1 or 2 beers. I couldn't even tell this was to come.

 

I would be devastated to leave him.

[startinganew777]

I get it. Look.... I stayed with my ex for 10 years even though I knew he was an alcoholic. I loved him and thought he was my soul mate. Our personalities clicked perfectly. Everything seemed perfect. His friends, family, everything. But is always does in the beginning. He is showing you right now the best he can be because he wants to keep you around. It goes downhill from here. Relationships get harder and harder as time goes on. Marriage is also hard even without addiction. If you are questioning things at 10 months in, I mean, that is still pretty early. I can't imagine a year from now what you will then be dealing with.

 

 

I thought I would never find anyone else after him. I thought we were meant to be. But I did find someone else and I have never been happier. The relationship is "easy" compared to my marriage and relationship with my ex. I realized relationships are hard but they shouldn't be so stressful from day to day. There shouldn't be all this worrying. It just isn't healthy.

 

 

You can find someone just as loving and caring as he is. But someone who puts you before alcohol. And it feels so good! Give yourself that chance.

[Mr. Lucky]

Just not sure what that will be. Maybe talking to his dad who was an alcoholic at one point will help?

 

Have you been with them together when your BF is drinking? Having achieved sobriety, can't help but wonder about Dad's emotions as he watches his son go down the same destructive path.

 

Does Dad attend AA meetings? Could he convince your BF to attend one with him?

 

Mr. Lucky

[manheart1989]

Have you been with them together when your BF is drinking? Having achieved sobriety, can't help but wonder about Dad's emotions as he watches his son go down the same destructive path.

 

Does Dad attend AA meetings? Could he convince your BF to attend one with him?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Hi Mr. Lucky,

 

Yes, his father has been around while he is drinking. I often wonder the same thing, what does he think? Does he even notice? Does he see his son drinking the amount he does? I've been waiting for the right moment to ask.

 

I don't know the full backstory with his dad other than he was a rock star and drank a ton in his singing days. He was a sloppy drunk and always had a drink in his hand. He has been sober for 33 years. He got sober when his son was born, my boyfriend. Maybe the mom had something to do with that one. Now he always carries a water bottle and drinks a TON of water. One time he thought he lost it and we literally had to drive around to all the places we had been to see if he left his water bottle there. We are talking about a water bottle. I think that was his way of replacing his bottle of booze.

 

Maybe one day I can find a way to bring it up.

[No_Go]

Indeed sucks

 

With my alcoholic exBF the things were in short the following. He was super intense, we moved in literally in a month so although the relationship lasted 6 months only, I have a lot of observations. Initially he didn't tell me he's an alcoholic, I noticed he drinks EVERY night and quite a lot, but didn't know precisely before we moved in together because he won't react too much to it: (lesson 1) alcoholics develop VERY high tolerance after years of usage. He told me he used other drugs in the past but was clean for years... Which was probably true because he was closely monitored by a police officer (!) after a DUI accident (5th in a row!!) the year before we met.

 

I asked him not to drink SOME evenings and he said of course no problem. However, I noticed a vodka bottle on the stairs one of the "drink free" nights... He refused - said it's probably the neighbors and.... And subsequently I found vodka bottles EVERYWHERE - hidden in the staircase, trash bin, under the couch, under his pillow - you name it. Thats on top of 2-3 6-packs of beer that he consumed.

 

I realized his schedule is inverted (lesson 2: alcoholic drink themselves a night usually, sleep during day times; that's a sign for progressed disease). He'll stay up until 5 am to 'watch TV and read' .. He just couldn't stop drinking. He couldn't hold a job... I idn't know initially because he showed me evidence for some job but he got mysteriously kicked out... The same with his next job attempt.

 

Everything went downhill because I had to support him 100%, he was getting more and more inadequate and aggressive (lesson 3: alcoholics HIDE their supplies - don't even try to question them... they are ashamed and will refuse to admit)...

 

We broke up. He got another GF immediately (lesson 4 another sign of addictive and codependent personalities is to get drawn in relationship after another... they need the partner to make it through). After they broke up SHE called me to tell me that he still drank every day, in the end he assaulted her in one of his bad days...Lesson 5 and most important: alcoholics can't and won't change without extensive treatment regardless what they say (he told me he stopped haha , also he was in AA for a decade with no success - HE didn't want to admit his illness, so the program did nothing for him).

 

Proceed with extreme caution OP. I don't want to give you a ready decision but want to point out potential warning signs and almost inevitable outcomes.

 

 

YIKES. That's scary. Thanks for sharing that with me. It's the reality I need to see. I'd love to hear your other experience!

[anika99]

Thanks for sharing startinganew777. I really appreciate it. These are the things I need to hear even though it's hard.

 

At least I'm only 10 months in and not married with kids. I'd be even more hard!

 

I don't know why I can't picture myself without him though. He has so much to offer, I love his family, I love his friends, he is the whole package and then this addiction had to get in the way.

 

I wish I knew about it before we got serious, even on our first date he had like 1 or 2 beers. I couldn't even tell this was to come.

 

I would be devastated to leave him.

 

 

So many great posts on this thread. If your bf only drinks beer and no hard alcohol then it may be many years before any physical damage occurs to his body. My ex was the same. After we met he agreed to cut out the double rum and cokes and switched strictly to beer. We were 31 yrs old when we met and he was in amazing shape. His work was physical and he had an awesome body, tons of energy, he was the life of the party and not the least bit unhealthy. Ten years later and I still don't think he had liver damage but his lifestyle was definitely taking a toll on him. He was fatigued (possible liver damage), had a beer gut, always cranky and looking older than his age.

 

You don't have to defend your bf, I believe you when you say he is a great guy. Many alcoholics are and they are loved by many people. However being a great guy and being a great partner are 2 different things. You will always have to carry the bulk of the relationship, you won't be able to depend on him, he will make irresponsible decisions that you will have to fix, life will revolve around him and whatever his latest crisis is. You will always be talking about him and his problems while your feelings and problems are neglected. Look up Al-Anon, they will help you find your way.

[CarrieT]

I don't know why I can't picture myself without him though. He has so much to offer, I love his family, I love his friends, he is the whole package and then this addiction had to get in the way.

This is because you are picturing "the whole package" as a fantasy that you believe will play out towards the happing ending of a beautiful wedding and a white-picket fence.

 

But something brought you to this site and the veneer is beginning to crack; you are seeing the ugly underbelly of loving someone who is addicted. And it already affected your birthday. There will come a traumatic day when you need him and he won't be there for you. And then another, because you will make excuses for him the first time - and maybe even the second time and the third time. I made those excuses for my Ex several dozen times.

 

For me, the breaking point came when he and I were traveling in Europe (an apology and make-up trip he had booked for all the indiscretions that had happened up until that point) and we were in a gorgeous four-star hotel in Geneva. After dinner and a few drinks, we went to bed but he couldn't sleep so he got up and left. He was out drinking or something. All I knew was that sometime around 4:00 a.m., he came in with another guy who was also drunk. My BF told this other guy that I was the secretary and that it would be okay for the guy to crawl in bed with me to sleep or "whatever he wanted." Fortunately, whomever this guy was talked my BF out of it and they left.

 

I know you aren't ready to end the relationship yet. But I am sorry for all the headaches and trauma you will have to go through to get to that point. It is going to hurt, but trust us when we say that it will hurt a lot less now than it will later - when you are in deeper....

[manheart1989]

TONS of great information from you all! I really appreciate it!

 

When we first met he had a really nice body, 8 months in and he had started to develop a beer gut. I'm by no means shallow so it doesn't bother me, but I do realize it's from all the drinking. Maybe he is keeping something from me. Maybe he is drinking more than he used to? Or maybe he sees that I'm not going to leave him for it and he feels more comfortable to drink? Maybe I am the enabler!!

 

He also has gotten more irritable lately. I assumed it was his depression and him drinking while on medication. But everything goes hand in hand. It's just a circle of destruction. depression-drinking-irritation. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

 

I guess it's all a matter of how much I can take before I break.

 

Thanks everyone for the wake up call. I'll keep you all updated! <3

 

So many great posts on this thread. If your bf only drinks beer and no hard alcohol then it may be many years before any physical damage occurs to his body. My ex was the same. After we met he agreed to cut out the double rum and cokes and switched strictly to beer. We were 31 yrs old when we met and he was in amazing shape. His work was physical and he had an awesome body, tons of energy, he was the life of the party and not the least bit unhealthy. Ten years later and I still don't think he had liver damage but his lifestyle was definitely taking a toll on him. He was fatigued (possible liver damage), had a beer gut, always cranky and looking older than his age.

 

You don't have to defend your bf, I believe you when you say he is a great guy. Many alcoholics are and they are loved by many people. However being a great guy and being a great partner are 2 different things. You will always have to carry the bulk of the relationship, you won't be able to depend on him, he will make irresponsible decisions that you will have to fix, life will revolve around him and whatever his latest crisis is. You will always be talking about him and his problems while your feelings and problems are neglected. Look up Al-Anon, they will help you find your way.

[manheart1989]

All I knew was that sometime around 4:00 a.m., he came in with another guy who was also drunk. My BF told this other guy that I was the secretary and that it would be okay for the guy to crawl in bed with me to sleep or "whatever he wanted." Fortunately, whomever this guy was talked my BF out of it and they left.

 

I am SO SORRY you had to go through that. Yuck.

 

Actually, If I'm honest I had a similar ground breaking moment, minus him bringing in another guy or anything like that. :-/

 

We went to Disneyland 5 months into our relationship. I was so excited!!! We both were! Well, the first morning we woke up in our hotel and we were supposed to be happy and pumped for our first day in the park. I woke up to him sitting on the edge of the bed and completely pissed. Come to find out he didn't sleep all night because right before we went to bed he saw that I took off a "sticker" to one of his Vans hats. Yes, a sticker...

 

I asked what was wrong and he started questioning if I took the sticker off his Vans hat. I could not recall for the life of me if I took a dumb sticker off or not. I thought he was joking or something, I could not believe he was serious. I guess it was a sticker that I took off that was supposed to stay on the hat for decoration. WHATEVER. Who cares, right? It was an accident at most.

 

I had never seen this side of him and he was livid and acted like a child. Would not let me touch him or apologize. It turned into me trying to change him because I didn't like the way he was. That's what he accused me of. He completely took a small issue and made it this huge ordeal. Ruined that trip for me.

 

We got to Disneyland and both of us hardly said a word when the first thing he uttered while waiting in line to the park was, "I wish I could put a bullet between my teeth right now."

 

I remember walking away and wanting to go home after he said that. I cried because I never heard someone say something so awful before. The minute he saw how he hurt me, he snapped back and tried to apologize for acting that way. He tried the whole day to bring me back up, but I couldn't let that go.

 

That's when I told him he needs to start depression medication or I'm out. I couldn't live with someone who was so up and down.

 

That was the first sign. It has gotten better in that aspect and he hasn't ever had a moment like that again. BUT that's because he suppresses it with alcohol.

 

I can only imagine what is in store.

Edited August 1, 2016 by manheart1989

[AMJ]

My dad has missed or ruined Christmases, birthdays, pretty much all holidays for the past decade, thanks to alcohol. I have friends who miss their parents on special occasions because they're dead. I think- well my dad chose not to be here or celebrate my birthday. He's just destroyed all the relationships in the family so he feels like he can't be with us anymore. Even when I make the effort to include him, he doesn't show up.

 

You know, one time I had a horrible date at Disneyland too! For different reason. But I could not stand the guy and wanted to leave. I thought- how can anyone possibly have a bad time at Disneyland, this clearly means we are not a good fit for each other. I broke it off the next day.

 

Anyway your BF has some serious issues with depression, that is not a normal reaction to taking the sticker off his hat. Btw I really dislike when guys leave those stickers on the hat, lol.

 

It's good you are open to hearing other stories. If you're thinking about staying with him, I think it's time you find someone else in his circle that you can talk to (brother or sister perhaps?) because you won't have a chance getting him to sober up on your own.

I wish you the best.

[anika99]

I am SO SORRY you had to go through that. Yuck.

 

Actually, If I'm honest I had a similar ground breaking moment, minus him bringing in another guy or anything like that. :-/

 

We went to Disneyland 5 months into our relationship. I was so excited!!! We both were! Well, the first morning we woke up in our hotel and we were supposed to be happy and pumped for our first day in the park. I woke up to him sitting on the edge of the bed and completely pissed. Come to find out he didn't sleep all night because right before we went to bed he saw that I took off a "sticker" to one of his Vans hats. Yes, a sticker...

 

I asked what was wrong and he started questioning if I took the sticker off his Vans hat. I could not recall for the life of me if I took a dumb sticker off or not. I thought he was joking or something, I could not believe he was serious. I guess it was a sticker that I took off that was supposed to stay on the hat for decoration. WHATEVER. Who cares, right? It was an accident at most.

 

I had never seen this side of him and he was livid and acted like a child. Would not let me touch him or apologize. It turned into me trying to change him because I didn't like the way he was. That's what he accused me of. He completely took a small issue and made it this huge ordeal. Ruined that trip for me.

 

We got to Disneyland and both of us hardly said a word when the first thing he uttered while waiting in line to the park was, "I wish I could put a bullet between my teeth right now."

 

I remember walking away and wanting to go home after he said that. I cried because I never heard someone say something so awful before. The minute he saw how he hurt me, he snapped back and tried to apologize for acting that way. He tried the whole day to bring me back up, but I couldn't let that go.

 

That's when I told him he needs to start depression medication or I'm out. I couldn't live with someone who was so up and down.

 

That was the first sign. It has gotten better in that aspect and he hasn't ever had a moment like that again. BUT that's because he suppresses it with alcohol.

 

I can only imagine what is in store.

 

Yes, alcoholics are commonly very childish and behave immaturely. You end up being their mother instead of their partner. It's so complicated though because people tend to blame the alcohol for the alcoholic's poor behavior. Even the alcoholic will blame booze. Sometimes it's true but sometimes the booze is blamed when it's actually much deeper underlying issues. It's all intertwined and that's why just quitting the drinking won't fix things. Everything has to be addressed and treated.

[CarrieT]

I've been thinking about the Disneyland incident and it is *so* reminiscent of scenes I went through - scenes where the smallest, seemingly innocuous occurrences will set the alcoholic off on incomprehensible tirades.

 

I used to explain to friends that he was unreasonable; meaning, there was nothing I could do or say to reason with him when he was in one of those states.

 

You are starting to see it and I am sorry for you...

[standtall]

10 month boyfriend that is a raging alcoholic? You aint going to change or fix him....punt...you can do much, much better.

[knitwit]

That was beautifully written. I'm going to keep that for my personal journal. :-)

 

You are right about everything. The finances, the resentment....even me having to drive him everywhere and sacrifice my own fun. It was my birthday yesterday and I could only have one drink because I know he would be drinking one too many.

 

What was the deciding factor to make you leave? You say it took you 3 years and he was trying...I'm guessing he never got over the bridge? Do you still talk to him or know if he is still drinking?

 

Happy birthday! I hope you had a lovely day!

 

My ex also had battled a major drug addiction in his teens, and went on to become a successful chef. He was amazing at his job; he worked in one of a very few top restaurants in our city and got great write ups in the papers. He was an amazing person- smart, funny, generous. He mentored young kids coming out of culinary schools, and was a natural leader; people gravitated to him. He was fit, very attractive. We believed that we were just meant for each other.

 

He had stopped using hard drugs for about 10 years when we first got together, and instead drank. Your guy reminds me of mine in this way. I was a pretty heavy drinker myself back then, and even though I knew he drank more than was healthy, his life seemed to be going fine and it didn't really phase me too much. I figured that we were all young and single and would slow down later in life. He was drinking a lot, much more than me, but like your guy, he didn't get trashed or sloppy, etc. He was successful, his drinking didn't seem to cause him problems. We had three great years together before things turned.

 

He had to stop drinking as his liver started to deteriorate. He stopped drinking for a while, but then went to both drinking and back into drugs. He put up a huge fight. He'd stay sober for several months, nearly a year once, but kept falling back. He could not handle life sober. I stopped drinking except for rare occasions, like a holiday with my parents, while this was going on. I went to Naranon and many, many NA and AA meetings with him. Every time he'd get sober, it was wonderful! I had my guy back, and it was intense and fabulous! But he couldn't keep it together. He was like Jeckyll and Hyde, depending on where he was in his addictive cycle.

 

I finally left when other parts of my life led me to make a change. I was 34 years old when I left; I knew I wanted a family, and I finally accepted that he was unlikely to get better and be the kind of man I wanted as the father of my child. This was a devastating admission to make, as it required me to let go of my dearly-held view of him. I kept a death-grip on my belief that he was a very good man, in the throes of a terrible disease, and so letting go of him felt like giving up on him.

 

I still believe that he was a very good man who couldn't beat his disease, but I now see that my choice was not about giving up on him. It was about me, choosing life. I wanted a different life.

 

Today, I am married with a son. I now have peace and stability. Sadly, my ex was not able to beat his addiction. He died before he turned 40. I would not have the life I have today if I had stayed.

 

My story has a part 2, which is that once I left my ex, I moved back home to help my ill father (one of those other parts of life that led to my leaving)and started drinking again. I started dating my now-husband, and we both liked to drink. We were far from the destructive levels of my ex, and never had any big consequences, but over the years, it got to be too much. After almost ten years, we were no longer social drinkers, we were entering "problem drinker" status. I stopped first, and after a very tough year, my husband stopped as well. I know that I would have left my husband if he hadn't stopped because by the end, he was barely escaping very serious consequences. He saw that he was crossing a line and he knew that I was getting ready to go. He decided to stop, and he quit cold turkey.

 

I was terrified for a while that he would either refuse to stop, or that he would be like my ex and be unable to stop. In a marriage, with kids, it is do important to believe that your guy will do whatever it takes to protect and take care of his family. My marriage is much better now. I am very grateful and relieved that my husband stopped drinking. (I also am still ready and willing to leave if he starts up again. It will be a long time before I stop waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop, after my experience with my ex.)

 

Your guy might be a problem drinker like me and my husband, or he might be a serious substance abuser like my ex. He might be something else as well. I don't think the terms really matter- all that matters is, can he, will he, get free of alcohol? Or will everything important in his life come after drinking in his priority list? People without a problem with drinking don't have these questions. The vast majority of boyfriends would have taken the initiative to make sure you had a great time on your birthday- you would have been the priority.

 

Anyway, this is my long story! It is so hard to leave. If you can't imagine leaving now, just stay and really watch carefully. It's ok to question things. Believe me, most sane women would not stick around with him at the level he's drinking now. That's not a slam on you, I was right there with you! But it's a truth: lots of women would not even begin the journey. They would rightly see that they were ready low on the priority list, and they'd be out of there. If you stay, you'll get your answers over time. Don't be afraid to chose the best future for you, even if it's not the best future for him.

Edited August 2, 2016 by knitwit

[Poppyolive]

There is so much wonderful advice here for you. Advice I wish I had. The hurt, turmoil, frustration, exhaustion, sadness,... Etc.. etc... that you will face in your future with him and your relationship makes me want to wrap you up in cotton wool and Keep you from getting hurt. It's very similar to my last relationship. It will get worse. It will wear you down. He is showing you his best right now, especially that you're only 10months in. You have already seen glimpses of what can be (Disneyland etc) it will get worse. Alcohol will always be number one for him.

 

My ex would promise change. Even to the point where he wrote a signed promise that his drinking wouldn't affect me. Two nights later he came home smashed. Just a dumb, nonsense talking numpty. I remember bring really sick with an ear infection/tonsillitis. I showed him his note and asked that he slept in the spare room and he flipped. It went on for hours. Him yelling stuff, I have no idea what. I just cried myself to sleep. Next day he cried and promised on ____ life (whoever's life) that he wouldn't drink, that he was so sorry. Sure enough, the following day he cracked a beer open when out friends showed up....and so the cycle began, again. Same situations different events. Basically, alcohol always comes first to an addict.

 

Your boyfriend isn't even promising change. He's telling you that's it, you either agree with or not. He is a damaged soul. Him being a coke & heroin addict in the past shows that he is feeding his demons, his pain. Now it's with alcohol. Soon those 18 beers won't be enough.

 

I'm still hurt from the pain of being with someone who had a drink problem. Being with him wasted my time. Don't do it to yourself. You deserve better.

[Arieswoman]

manheart1989,

A girl I knew was married to a "functioning" alchoholic.

 

He died of stomach cancer when he was 40 leaving her with 4 children under 10.

 

Please get out of this while you can.

 

I'm sorry x

[manheart1989]

I can't say thank you enough for all of you sharing your stories with me! I feel bitter sweet reading them, but I really need to take it in. I'm surprised to see that, very often, the destruction of this addiction is death. It's scary.

 

After this conversation on here, I came home and had a serious talk with him. Surprisingly, the lines of communication were very open. I asked him about his dad's alcoholism and I asked him how he plans to handle his own.

 

He said his dad was a different alcoholic than he was. He would drink hard alcohol till he got completely wasted, unable to do anything. He used to sing at bars so that was the norm to get up on stage and be wasted. He stopped when he had his two kids and never looked back. Not sure the process he went through to get there. Maybe having kids woke him up. He said that his dad gives him advice on drinking when he feels like he is getting out of control. And it has helped him and he is open to listening to it.

 

I asked him how many drinks he has in a day. He says it varies. Going through his divorce he drank a lot, he never has resorted to hard alcohol, just beer. He said at one point he was having at least 18 beers in a day. But I guess since we've been together, the most he had is 10-12. I've never counted the beers he has in a day to know if that is true or not, I just see him continuously cracking a new one open.

 

I asked him if his dad is worried about him and he said that he doesn't think he is because his dad would've said something. He said that his dad was able to replace his alcoholism with something else, which was prescribed weed and that's why he thinks it was easier for him. It'd be interesting to get the dad's perspective.

 

I expressed my fears about the alcohol killing him or making him do something that he normally wouldn't (drink and drive for example). He told me that he just got a physical done and his liver levels were normal and have always been. He promised he would tell me if they weren't. I asked him what he would do if they got high. He said he would cut back. And then he goes, "I guess I made a mistake by telling you I am an alcoholic because you started to worry about me, and I am an alcoholic, but not to the extent that you think. But I'm drinking bud light and beer is mostly water so 4 beers equals one vodka drink." That was what he said. I know he is making excuses and trying to make me feel better. But after talking to you guys I see it for what it is.

 

He told me that he doesn't get the shakes from not having beer at work. He said sometimes he goes to wild fires for a month at a time and doesn't have access to any kind of alcohol and is completely fine. He just said that beer is like my coffee and he enjoys drinking it when he can.

 

I told him if we had kids if things would change. He said he would never want his kids to see him drinking and he would make sure they didn't. So that means he is going to hide it? Doesn't that tell him something?

 

Last night he waited till I got home to drink. I counted this time. He had 4 drinks. Better than normal. But honestly, on medication, he shouldn't be having any.

 

I just wanted to share what he told me. I know in the beginning of our relationship there were a lot of moments like the "Disneyland" moment I shared. I remember almost walking away at one point. But he agreed to get help and start medication. Since the medication, his emotions have stayed in check. In the beginning he even stopped drinking all together. But that didn't last long.

 

I understand there is nothing I can do. I just have to decide whether I want to spend my life with this person or walk away. I can't tell the future. I don't know if he would die at 55 from alcoholism or if he'll live beyond 70 like his dad is after his drinking days. I can't forsee if he will make dumb decisions or if he'll dig his grave deeper or if one day he decides it's time to quit.

 

This is a big decision for me. I have to do what is right for me and my sanity. I have to figure it out whether I'm someone who can sit back and watch or decide to go our separate ways.

 

Thanks for listening! Thanks for giving me some awesome advice that I definitely have considered and some insight on the reality I was too ignorant to see. I really really appreciate it. What a great community, I'm glad I stumbled across it.

 

Love,

Manheart1989

[hotgurl]

My mom is a high functioning alcoholic.

 

I still have a lot of anger because of her and my dad who enables her.

 

I would ask you if you decide to stay please don't have any kids together. It sucks having one parent being an alcoholic and one parent being an enabler and no parents looking out for the child.

 

Growing up knowing that there is no one who has your back, who puts you first, who you can trust just sucks.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just wanted to share what he told me.

 

I'll just say, based on some hard-earned experience, take what he says with a grain of salt. He has lots to protect and many well established reasons for doing so. You've seen some things with your own eyes and experienced others firsthand, I'd tend to give those precedence.

 

Hope you find the truth you're looking for ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CarrieT]

All that stuff he told you? Yeah, I heard it before and then some...

 

The excuses on why "it is just beer" or "I will cut down when... (insert rationale, be it children or something else).

 

Look at his actions - do not listen to his words.

[knitwit]

It's good that you were ignorant about high-functioning alcoholism! It sucks to be familiar with it. You were very smart to go looking for information, and it's clear that you're open to hearing and learning. I was resistant for a long time; I think you are likely to avoid the pain that I and others have gone through.

 

This is a big decision, and no one knows how the future will unfold. My best recommendation to you is, don't squabble over the details or get caught up in labels. Does it really matter if he's drinking 18 or 10 beers? Beer or vodka? In my experience, there is no peace, no way forward if the focus is on these arguable items. Nothing good comes out of counting, controlling, proving.

 

What really matters is: are you the priority, or are the drugs/drinks the priority? Are you really, truly, treated well, or is he often unpleasant because he's hungover/waiting until he can drink/cranky because of some potential roadblock to drinking? Can you count on him, or will you always need contingency plans because of his drinking?

 

Is your life, are your plans, based on his access to alcohol? Are your problems mostly due to his drinking? Is the relationship only enjoyable if he's drinking (the flip-side: if he's not able to drink, he's unhappy and not enjoyable)?

 

These are the critical factors. He can and will argue over how much he drinks or doesn't drink, whether or not he's physically addicted, whether anyone else thinks he's got a drinking problem or if it's just you, beer vs wine, situationally-understandable or not, so on and so forth. Absolutely none of it matters.

 

All that matters is: are you able to have the life, the relationship, the family, the priority that you want? Or is everything mediated by his need to have alcohol?

 

If you keep your goals and needs in the forefront, I think you will be fine. It sounds so easy, haha. It can be much more difficult in real life...but it is key.

[Gr8fuln2020]

My mom is a high functioning alcoholic.

 

I still have a lot of anger because of her and my dad who enables her.

 

I would ask you if you decide to stay please don't have any kids together. It sucks having one parent being an alcoholic and one parent being an enabler and no parents looking out for the child.

 

Growing up knowing that there is no one who has your back, who puts you first, who you can trust just sucks.

 

Wise words hotgurl! OP, I am sorry you are in this situation.

 

I had a father who passed away from cirrhosis. He didn't drink when going to work and successfully hid his problem from his employers. Physically debilitating and terrible to watch. He spent years quietly drinking his life away and we did what we could to support him, but also try to leave the drink. He didn't. He was never violent. Always isolated, quiet and DEPRESSED. Your bf is DEPRESSED for certain. He mixes alcohol with prescription drugs, he is wreckless and aware of his behavior. He WILL NOT CHANGE...for long, as you have witnessed.

 

He uses alcohol to help him deal with reality. THAT in itself is a terrible sign of what kind of husband he will be...heck, you see that now. He cannot deal with the real world and we all deserve someone who can function in the real world, not a fantasy or escape.

 

There are times when I wonder if people stay away from the hard stuff b/c they feel that somehow that will postpone the inevitable...serious liver damage or worse. Like your bf drinking 10-18 beers a day instead of hitting the harder stuff. I don't know, but it WILL catch up to him if, in fact, he is physiologically fine now.

[startinganew777]

I'm just going to put this out there, and I'm in no way putting down fireman or saying they all do this, but I dated one for quite a few months. I went to go see him a couple times at work and him and his other fireman buddies were sitting around drinking beer. In fact, some of them were married and having their "girlfriends" over to party with them. I saw it more than once so I wouldn't put it past him drinking on the job too. Alcoholics lie and rationalize all the time.

 

 

Mine also thought drinking beer was ok and he drank a lot of it. When I started getting on his case about it, guess what, he then started drinking vodka and hiding it from me to get his fix. I eventually found empty bottles hidden all over our place. This guy sounds so much like my ex. Just be careful and watch.

 

 

I assume you live with him. The longer you stay with him, you will see. I also think more incidents like the Disney World one will start to happen more often. Then he will apologize and the cycle begins.

[No_Go]

If your bf only drinks beer and no hard alcohol then it may be many years before any physical damage occurs to his body.

 

Unfortunately the type of liquor doesn't matter much. It is amount of ethanol that he has over the time that he has it.

 

My ex was 29-30 years old and he hadn't had an apparent physical damage yer. My father didn't have any as well, he was getting his army physical scores in top level every year until he developed ascitis at 52, and was diagnosed with decompensated liver cirrhosis. But then it was too late to help him

 

The liver is a silent killer. When the symptoms of liver damage appear (ascitis, jaundice etc), usually is too late. Enzymes are not a good detector of damage. A friend of mine had progressed metastatic cancer in his liver and still his enzyme levels were ok, almost up until the end

[No_Go]

"I guess I made a mistake by telling you I am an alcoholic because you started to worry about me, and I am an alcoholic, but not to the extent that you think. But I'm drinking bud light and beer is mostly water so 4 beers equals one vodka drink." - that's a huge red flag - making excuses for his own behavior.

 

You can calculate with him the amount of ethanol in 10 bud lights (not even mentioning 18) - it is FAR beyond the acceptable (for men 14 drinks a WEEK).

 

If he's absolutely conscious of his condition - you can try to get him on Vivitrol injections that will make him insensitive to alcohol, so he may stop. That in combination with AA & therapy. He'd likely need to go through a detox in a hospital center because if he goes from his level of drinking to zero he can get seizures.

 

Btw prescription pills + alcohol is a freakish combination - this may kill him any time ... Beware.