Separation fears....I want my wife back!

[CHAZ87]

I know how you feel. I am in the same boat. I am going to be moving out for awhile so my wife can search her feelings as well. I can't pressure her to give our marriage another chance. My problem is her feelings for OM. I pray everyday that she will open her eyes and come back to me. As the saying goes, "If you love something, let it go. If love comes back, it was meant to be." My wife is a great person as well. I belive she knows she made a mistake, but she is to proud to admit it to me. I love her with all my heart, and the unknown is killing me.

 

Getting back to your situation, I agree with what you told your wife, if she truly loves you, she will be back in your arms again. Don't give up hope.

[ktmrider]

[Mz. Pixie] and [Ladyjane14],

 

What are your thoughts on this? I also like to hear a point of view from the woman's side.

[Ladyjane14]

Sorry, I just got back....and I've only had time to 'skim' through.

 

This jumped out at me though:

 

Today, against my feelings I told my wife that we should go on a "real" separation.

 

I can't tell you what's right for you, but it occurs to me that if this was, in fact, "against your feelings", it's a move born of desperation....and unworthy of your intended goal.

 

Your marriage is suffering a crisis. ANYTHING that further complicates that crisis is best avoided.

 

A person 'under-the-influence' of infatuation, will say almost anything in order to rationalize the exploration of that infatuation. You do her a disservice if you willingly allow her to pollute your relationship in a way that you may at some point find unforgivable. It's like handing an alcoholic a drink.

 

Best if she has all the true facts before she goes any further. There are some folks who can go in for the marriage sabbatical, and eventually reconcile and do alright. Be damn sure you're one of them if you agree to this.

 

As I said before....you need NEVER give her your permission to cheat. It won't make a difference in the final outcome.

[ktmrider]

My wife called a couple of days ago and asked me if I would like to join her and her sister and baby at a vacation spot. Of course I said "yes!". So I'm going to join them next.

 

But there is something that is really geeting on my nerves though. I went to see her so that I can pick up our dog since she will leave one week before me. While I was there, she had a call from the OM. She asked me if I was okay with her calling him back. I told her to go ahead. I think they were on the phone for about 20 minutes....

 

For some reason, I had a bad taste in my mouth from then on.

Today, I'm more annoyed at the guy now then ever before. I feel like text messaging him to let him know what is on my mind.

I'm sure my wife won't like that. (By the way, she told him not to answer my call if i never call him).

 

I'm so damn pissed. I don't know how to handle this guy. I like to give him a piece of my mind though.

[CHAZ87]

I know how you feel. The OM called the other night while I and my son were home. My son was naked getting ready for a shower. I was folding laundry and my wife would leave the room and come back and I over heard her say "I already told you once on the phone". I knew what she was talking about. Those three little words. After that she says he hung up on her because she isn't being the girlfriend he wants her to be. Right after she hangs up the phone, she looks at me and almost yells, "You need to help me break his heart." Well I said okay I will call him right now. But the next day she says she didn't mean the things she said.

 

As for doing anything to OM, I think that would make you look desparate. I have no ambition at all to speak to OM. There is absolutly no reason to.

 

I guess this is the rollercoaster that LadyJane14 was talking about. Well I am about this close to telling the Carni to stop the ride.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by CHAZ87

I know how you feel. The OM called the other night while I and my son were home. My son was naked getting ready for a shower. I was folding laundry and my wife would leave the room and come back and I over heard her say "I already told you once on the phone". I knew what she was talking about. Those three little words. After that she says he hung up on her because she isn't being the girlfriend he wants her to be. Right after she hangs up the phone, she looks at me and almost yells, "You need to help me break his heart." Well I said okay I will call him right now. But the next day she says she didn't mean the things she said.

 

How in the HECK are you putting up with this?! Where are your boundaries?! I don't know your entire story but why on earth are you still living with her?! Forgive me for being presumptuous but this is highly unusual behavior.

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by ktmrider

I feel like a yo-yo. Yesterday, she told me that my changed in attitude and actions the past three weeks really put a wrench in her previous decision to go on with her life without me. It's because she doesn't know if that's what is best to do anymore. But she's afraid that it won't work out between us. That was my low point of the day.

 

Then I didn't hear from her until about 11PM at night, but we talked until 3:30AM this morning. She tells me that her family does play a role in her decision. For example, her dad is into riding motorcycles with me and she's afraid to ruin it. She then lists the things that her family likes to do with me like going to the lake and jet ski. She said that it would be different if she takes on a new relationship. She would probably have to on new hobbies. She's not sure if she likes that.

Basically, she's saying that I have a lot of history with her and her family. The new OM would not have those.

 

I'm on an emotional roller coaster ride.

 

She is realizing the grass may not be greener on the otherside of the fence. She is also seeing what she'll be losing. Remember, she IS NOT thinking clearly at all. This woman now is NOT the woman who is your wife. This is a person who has allowed a crush to turn into a habit and she is being fed by the excitement it brings. I hope she realizes wtf she's doing to you!!

 

Something to ask you...Are you sure they've not done anything more than just talk? She seems waaaay to attached to him, in lust, crush-like, to be considering leaving you for him.

 

 

Originally posted by ktmrider

My wife called a couple of days ago and asked me if I would like to join her and her sister and baby at a vacation spot. Of course I said "yes!". So I'm going to join them next.

 

But there is something that is really geeting on my nerves though. I went to see her so that I can pick up our dog since she will leave one week before me. While I was there, she had a call from the OM. She asked me if I was okay with her calling him back. I told her to go ahead. I think they were on the phone for about 20 minutes....

 

For some reason, I had a bad taste in my mouth from then on.

Today, I'm more annoyed at the guy now then ever before. I feel like text messaging him to let him know what is on my mind.

I'm sure my wife won't like that. (By the way, she told him not to answer my call if i never call him).

 

I'm so damn pissed. I don't know how to handle this guy. I like to give him a piece of my mind though.

 

IS this OM married too? Find out some info on him.

 

However, I would have suggested you say "I'm not willing to be a part of a love triangle. Since you can't decide, I am going to decide for you. I am filing separation papers tomorrow and you can have the OM."

 

What you'd be showing her is that you have a boundary and since she's decided to cross it you are going to have repercussions for doing so. You bowed down where it's better to cut ties.

 

I agree with Confused. You take the bull by the horn. Show her and let her know what she is losing.

 

I also suggest some therapy, one on one for you to help you cope with this. And soon. Keep posting here, many are capable of helping you through this and atleast make you feel less alone during all this.

 

**One thing that got my attention and is just odd, you mentioned her wanting a baby, but she would be loving JUST the baby, not you. Not have enough love to go around. That's a redflag. An issue that needs to be addressed at some point if you both end up back together. I still think marriage councilling is the key here, but she has to want it and to END it with this OM and go no contact.

 

Originally posted by CHAZ87

I know how you feel. The OM called the other night while I and my son were home. My son was naked getting ready for a shower. I was folding laundry and my wife would leave the room and come back and I over heard her say "I already told you once on the phone". I knew what she was talking about. Those three little words. After that she says he hung up on her because she isn't being the girlfriend he wants her to be. Right after she hangs up the phone, she looks at me and almost yells, "You need to help me break his heart." Well I said okay I will call him right now. But the next day she says she didn't mean the things she said.

 

As for doing anything to OM, I think that would make you look desparate. I have no ambition at all to speak to OM. There is absolutly no reason to.

 

I guess this is the rollercoaster that LadyJane14 was talking about. Well I am about this close to telling the Carni to stop the ride.

 

I don't know what to say to this? She's spoiled! She is playing you here, my god, take a HUGE step back. DO you think she'd put up with you if you had an OW on the side, calling and waiting in the wings????? Think about it... Wow, I'm blown away. Keep your eyes open...

[Mz. Pixie]

"A person 'under-the-influence' of infatuation, will say almost anything in order to rationalize the exploration of that infatuation. You do her a disservice if you willingly allow her to pollute your relationship in a way that you may at some point find unforgivable. It's like handing an alcoholic a drink"

 

KTM- LadyJ was right on with this. I've been away but just saw your thread again.

This was good!

 

One thing I do not want to you to is to overwhelm your wife with trying to meet her needs all at once. It needs to be gradual. My exh hadn't done anything in years to meet my needs, but once I told him I wanted a divorce he went overboard trying to do so. It was too much too fast!

 

COC was also right about drawing the line. You have to do this. Otherwise you're giving her permission to explore her relationship with this other guy. Don't do it!

[exoticdesi]

ktm and chatz,

I have been through similar situation like you guys a few months ago. I know it is very difficult to deal with the line "I don't love you anymore". It hurts our ego so much that we always try to find the answer "how can she not love me anymore". It jolts us down like anything and we try everything to revert that. Part of it is because our ego does not let us handle this kind of situation. In this process we do everything wrong which we are not supposed to do.

 

From what you have described, it is very apparent that your W has more than simple phone call chat with OM. She IS HAVING AN AFFAIR (mental or physical). You are simply in denial coz you very much want your W back and are afraid of losing her. Nothing wrong in that, I was afraid too. The thing is women have no respect for people who have no respect for themselves. It is very easy for us guys in this situation to fall into this pitfal. We want things to work, and in this process we take the blame on ourselves, try to kiss her ass and everything, because in back of our minds we are thinking "hey isn't this the reason why she drifted from me? If I don't show her the love and affection she was craving from me in the first place, things would go downhill". Big Mistake. No matter what you did, she would have done what she did. The first mistake is we all start asking this question "why you did this to me?" to our spouses. And they start giving all kinds of excuses as justification and we gulp it down coz we love him/her. The thing with you is the "why" question will come very later, as she is still not finished with the OM. She is still in delima whom to choose. And this is where you need to concentrate and win her back. Once she decides to stay with you then you can work on the "cause and prevention" aspect.

 

Lot of people in this group have told me and if you already read the book "love must be tough" it tells the same thing. You need to create a balance between showing your love and being firm. You have to keep her always wondering. If she asks you to meet her, tell her you can't go as you have some other commitments (I know this is tough), but then surprise her next day by going to her house with flowers and say "hey sorry, I couldn't make it yesterday, and I stopped by to say Hi". The point is she shouldn't see you as a weasel, but at the same time someone she once loved and capable of providing love and caring and showing her good times.

 

Also, second very important thing is don't go by the face value of what your spouse says. "I don't love you anymore" doesn't mean that she doesn't love you anymore. ???? Isn't that weird ? She is just fogged out right now or her definition of love is distorted. For my W, all the caring, providing from me wasn't love anymore. She defined love as having that 17 year old tingy feeling she had with OM. Some one in this group rightly said "long lasting love has no fireworks". You need to bring those fireworks back, and I bet if you show her that she would come running back to you. The things she said that she is considering to be with you coz her family likes you, is just part of her saying that she still loves you. her family is just a shield as she doesn't want to willingly admit that she still loves you.

 

I read all your postings and I see that right now she is torn between you and OM. Remember, if you try to push OM away from her, she won't like it and you may not be able to stop her anyway. She has to let go of him by herself. IMHO telling her NC with OM will do no good as she herself hasn't decided betwee the two of you. She is thinking in her mind what if OM turns out to be reall ass hole ?Infact what Confused and Whichway said is absoultely true. Tell her she can be with OM if she feels happy with him and you are going to divorce her. You have an appointment with lawyer to discuss this thing and you want her to go with you. I can bet all my money on it that she would stop you from going. She would tell you that don't make any hasty decisions, she needs time as she is still not decided.

 

Didn't you notice yourself that there are moments when you show little distance and "don't care attitude", she starts calling you and text messaging you. The mistake we all do is when she shows some response, we start asking for more. With women, when you ask for love in this kind of situation, you never get. They get repelled again. You ask her out and she will refuse. Make it casual. I actually tried the following line "hey, I would have loved to take you to dinner tonight, but I have this business meeting which I don't know how long will it be, so sorry honey, may be some other time. But hey, I was going to pick up chinese afterwards, and you are welcome to join me." Worked to perfection. They get all confused, and you drive them to what you want.

 

So, keep working on yourself. Give her space but at the same time don't neglect her. Also somehow get across her that you have nothing to loose if she left you. Believe me, she will be back with you (just don't tell her that!).

[Mz. Pixie]

Desi made some excellent points. I disagree however with-

 

"No matter what you did, she would have done what she did"

Not true! I know in my case, I would have never cheated if my exh wouldn't have neglected me for years and years.

 

What you said about creating the right balance though was right on. He has to do it just right or it won't work. I think there is a book by Gary Chapman called "Winning back your wife" or something like that. I think that would be a good start.

[Tuffluv]

KTM- Please listen to what I am telling you. In fact you will do whatever it takes to satisfy those obsessed feelings you are having. She is playing you and every women will give you the same line about how YOU pushed them to the OM. NO ONE can pushes you into anything. That is how we justify doing what we feel guilty about. Sorry man but this women you think is so wonderful is no different then any other women. A WONDERFUL women wouldn't be talking on the phone with some other guy she IS sleeping with in front of you. She has NO RESPECT for you. There is nothing worse then when someone has no respect for someone. That is YOUR fault. No matter what you think you did, you DO NOT deserve this type of disrespect. Walk away from her and keep whatever little dignity you have left. You will lose her anyway and believe me if you get her back you will RESENT EVERYTHING she is doing to you now and you will hate yourself for being so weak and taking it. Then you can go right back to where you started, ENDING your marriage. WALK AWAY!! HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT. Are you gonna tell your son how YOU let mommy take your spine and go sleep around with some other guy! Come on KTM get on that bike and keep on riding!!! Go find someone that does want to be with you and not someone who doesn't! Life is too short. Just listen to that other guy talking about how he still lives with his wife while she is out sleeping with someone else. How SAD does that sound!!! The pain you are feeling now is NOTHING compared to the ANGER you are gonna have after you get her back and you realize that all those SPECIAL things she did with you she was out doing with someone else and enjoying it at your expense. LET HER GO. MAN, I wish you the best. BE STRONG!!

[ktmrider]

I just came back from spending a week with her on one of the islands. It was good to get away from work but I don't know if it helped our relationship or hurt it more. The first two days I was kinda distant from her. The reason was that I kept thinking about the OM so I was pissed and frustrated. I asked myself why do I have to compete with this guy. Because of my feelings, things kinda blew up the 2nd night. I told her that I wasn't going to compete with this guy. She cried and said that I was giving up already? She told me that I lied when I told her that all I wanted was to be with her. SHe told me that everything I told her was a lie.

 

I was feeling frustraded starting the week before when I was with her for the weekend and she got a call from the OM. She didn't take the call but she knew that I knew who called. A few minutes later, she asked me if she can make the call to the guy. I said okay but I was starting to feel hurt. That hurt turned to anger for the week afterwards....all the way to the 2nd night of the vacation trip.

 

Well, after that night I changed my mood and started to feel good about myself and in turn gave more attention and affection.

Did I mention that she brought along her old sister and her 2 1/2 year old?

All I can say is that the entire trip revolved around this little 2 and half year old. What we do and what we eat has to planned with the baby in mind. Everytime we get to the beach, the kid would cried and screamed. So basically, no swimming. There was only a few times when we were able to went swimming on the beach. When we weren't at the beach, we would go to shows and stuff. Well, every night after 8pm the kid would start to get cranky.....every night around 9pm she would just cried until we get home.

 

She would ask me if I am having fun? She was dissapointed when I told her that it could be better.

She is basically dissaponited with me about the trip.

I told her that it's not fair when she brought her sister, and the trip revolved around the baby. I told her that I had a good time not great time. That was the truth.

 

I don't know what I feel right now. At times, I'm angry. Other times I want her back badly. Somtimes I just don't care. I have all sorts of emotions going through. Sometimes I just want to give up.

[Maria46]

KTM,

 

Am sorry to hear you are going thru this. I just scanned thru the posts here and feel like I should say something to you.

 

I know that you love her dearly and feel bad about how you have treated her in the past. I understand that you have apologized to her and asked for forgiveness. And you shouldn't take the blame for what has happened. Seems there should have been some more communication between the two of you before this. You have also suggested MC and she refuses to go.

 

Why not see a counselor on your own to start with. You might get your eyes opened a bit on what has happened and what is going on. Counselors know how to ask questions, they know how to make you think.

 

Seems to me you are waiting for her to throw you a bone. You do not deserve to be thrown scraps from anyone.

 

It is so hard to see a marriage that you thought was good go down the drain. IMO some couples stay together because it was confortable. You need to be happy. You need to love yourself first.

 

Talk to a counselor and get your thoughts out. Also, I read that someone suggested anti depressents. They certainly helped me in my time of need.

 

 

Good luck to you!!

[Ladyjane14]

It's really difficult to deal with the rollercoaster of emotions that you feel when your marriage is in crisis. You're up one day, and down the next

 

Regardless of what decision you make in how to handle the crisis, consistancy will help you. If you tell her one thing, be it "I'm a changed man", or "I don't want any contact with you right now".....that's what you have to stick with.

 

Otherwise, she never knows what to expect when dealing with you

 

For example, you already knew that her older sister and baby were going on the trip. You joined them. It was up to you at that point to be consistant in achieving whatever goal you had in mind. I think it might have been to prove to her that you are still fun to be with. Is that correct?

 

If so, you allowed your emotions to trip you up. That's understandable. Really, you're dealing with sooooo much uncertainty right now, that you can only strive for consistancy. You'll never maintain it 100% of the time anyway with your feelings hurt as they are. All you can do is try, right?

 

So, it would seem to me that your next course of action would be to make a decision on how you want to present yourself....and then be as consistant as possible in doing that.

[TufLuv]

Originally posted by ktmrider The first two days I was kinda distant from her. The reason was that I kept thinking about the OM so I was pissed and frustrated. I asked myself why do I have to compete with this guy. Because of my feelings, things kinda blew up the 2nd night. I told her that I wasn't going to compete with this guy. She cried and said that I was giving up already? She told me that I lied when I told her that all I wanted was to be with her. SHe told me that everything I told her was a lie.

KTM, I hate to say it but I told you so. That anger is gonna build and build. How more clear can it be. READ your post. She is playing with you. She is on an attention feeding frenzy. Cant you see it? I know that it isnt easy but do some soul searching, man. Deep down you KNOW this is wrong. YOUR SELF RESPECT SHOULD NOT BE NEGOTIABLE. SHE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU and she never will as long as you keep this up!! I don't want keep quoting you and making examples to try to clearly show you what you already know. That previous poster that mentioned "your waiting for her to throw you a bone" is right on. I am sorry but your wife is spinning everything and you are falling for it all. Asking you permission to call the guy back and then you say go ahead. Maybe this will get your attention. "KTM, can I go sleep or let me rephrase that can I go sleep AGAIN with the OM? Well since I love you I guess I have to since I was such a bad husband by not giving you the ATTENTION you deserved."

Sorry KTM, to put it that way but that is basically what is happening and your in denial because of those feelings of guilt and fear of being alone or that you wont find someone as good as her etc.. are blinding you. SHE IS NOT GOOD. She deserves that other guy. Show her that you are a strong, confident and deserving man by DIVORCING HER! You have apologized and stated your feelings for her. FINE! Now instead of forgiving you or not, she has taken the right to kick you when your down, TOTALLY DISRESPECT you and COMPLETELY show you how she can DESTROY your self esteem. That my friend, is no women who deserves your love and respect. WALK AWAY!!!!

[exoticdesi]

I totally sympathize with your situation. Seems like finally you are doing the right thing. Give her space and let her decide. If she trully loves you, she will come back. Her behavior shows that she does feel like being with you. It is just that the other person has made her thinking impaired, as of now. I don't know how genuine the OM is, but most of the time when they go after MW, they are scums and have just have one purpose. Married womens don't ask much of commitment from them. If the OM is married, then that is doubly true. As LadyJane has posted earlier, the only way you can win over the other guys is by being a better guy in action. No matter what you say, or how much logic you put into them, it just doesn't register. I know that you love her very much and want her back at any cost, but there is not much you can do until she herself gives up the OM. Btw, have you contacted the OM at all ? If you love your wife so much, why the hell haven't you told him to stay the f**k out of your life. Good luck.

[TufLuv]

Originally posted by exoticdesi

Btw, have you contacted the OM at all ? If you love your wife so much, why the hell haven't you told him to stay the f**k out of your life. Good luck.

 

KTM, Whatever you do DO NOT CONTACT THE OTHER GUY!!!!!! Don't start playing those schoolyard games that she wants. Having two guys fighting over a women. Please, you are adults and this isn't a TV show. The one with the problem is your wife. It is her you have to deal with. It is she who DECIDED to see him. She has the power to not see him, she decided to give herself to him. If it wasn't for her he wouldn't be in the picture.

Plenty of people here post the same thing. Give her space, let her decide, let her keep playing with you, let her keep controlling your life etc. But in the end it is your decision and REMEMBER there are consequences for ALL of our decisions, good or bad. Think about the consequences of being with someone after all that has happened.

Why don't you talk to her father or mother about what she is doing. Do you think they would think it is okay? Why do you think she is hiding all this from them? Honestly, can you EVER trust this women again? One day when she will tell you that she is going out with her friends, will you be able to go to sleep comfortable knowing what you know she is capable of????

Perhaps what I am telling you now, you really don't want to hear. I am not telling you the secret of how to get her back that you so badly want to. But I am offering you some very objective and truthful advice. It is Almost impossible for a marriage to recover from an event like this. There is a good chance you will get her back BUT all of this will resurface and bring about the inevitable. Yes people make mistakes and we all deserve a second chance. However when we take someone else's genuine feelings of remorse and use them against that person in order to justify a continued ongoing series of hurtful acts, to me that is not a mistake but a game of manipulation and revenge. Okay so here is the secret: You want her back, STOP PLAYING HER GAMES!!!

[ktmrider]

So it has been a couple of weeks since I posted anthing on this thread. Well, here is my update:

 

It seems that my wife is really making an effort to get back together. As far as I know, she hasn't been talking to the OM.

We've been talking to each other everyday since we came back from our vacation trip a few weeks back. Although this is a very good sign, I still hit bumps and cracks on the road.

 

I still don't get women. Well, I don't get my wife to be more precise.

 

I didn't call her today so she called and was very upset. She questioned my love for her because of it. I'm like.....geez....just because I didn't call at all today? She would not accept my explanations. Since I am on a business trip in another state and staying at a friend's house, I'm not comportable calling her when people are around. She just would not accept this explanation! Plus, since she had a long week entertaining her relatives, I thought she would need some time alone today just to relax. This was a bad explanation although that was an honest explanation. She believed that I should have called even if it was only for a minute or two.

 

I just don't get it! Sometimes, I need some personal time alone too. That doesn't mean I don't miss her or love her. Women! You are such complex creatures! Sometimes it drives men nuts....

 

I'm like she was busy the this past week fixing our jet skis by herself so that all three jet skis would be ready for sister's birthday party at the lake on Saturday. It was a long week for her given that fact that she never worked on jet skis before. Not alone that, she had to shop and made preparations for the party. So I thought Sunday would be a good day for her to relax on her own. I didn't realize not calling would get me in such trouble.

 

I woke up this morning with a headache too. Plus, since I'm staying as a guest in someone else's house, I just wasn't comfortable to call her. I thought I would wait until later in the night to call her so that we can have a longer conversation.

 

I'm kinda pissed and confused at the same time! I also know that if I want her back, I'm going to have to keep my mouth shut and don't talk back. But it's annoying. I feel like she think thinks that her feelings are always right. That what she thinks is always logical and mine is selfish or "non-loving".

 

 

Geez! It's so hard trying to figure women out.