Separation fears....I want my wife back!

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Woggle

So let me get this straight. She had an affair at work and you are blaming yourself. Grow some balls.

 

I am sure you want to help, but this is over the line and unnecessary.

 

She can't expect you to be a mindreader and if she had issues she should have told you. If you want to win her back grow a spine and show her you can be happy without her. Never beg and plead because you only look pathetic. Women do not respect a spineless man. My wife cheated on me and then blamed me. She expected me just to forgive her well she was thrown for a loop when I divorced her ass. Now she is begging me to take her back even though I won't give her the time of day. No matter what issues there were in the marriage she had no right to have that affair. Man up and learn to be happy on your own.

 

Sorry you had a tough time, but the anger you hold against your former spouse is not going to help KTM and his situation. Every situation is different.

 

Also, some cultures handle relationships differently. KTM's culture is a bit different from the traditional US Culture in regards to marriage.

 

Telling him to "grow some balls" is an over-simplified answer to a more complex problem. He needs to understand and correct his behavior. He could use Counseling, IMHO, and reading "Love Must Be Tough" because I feel the advice in there he would greatly benefit from. It will help him understand his behavior and come correct.

 

And yes, I believe his wife would benefit from Counseling as well.

[ktmrider1]

This is so hard!

 

She called me. Into the conversation, she told me that she is confused. She feels that if we get back together, she would be so sensitive at everything that I do. She just doesn't want that. She doesn't know if she can love me again. It seems she has too much anger and resentment right now that it's clouding her thoughts.

 

She said that she doesn't want to get old and be unhappy. She doesn't know if she can take the risk and not be happy again.

I don't know if she wants to make a decision right now or not. She has feelings of anger and guilt at the same time. She feels bad that I'm hurting that now. She feels guilty. There are times I thought she was going to say "I want a divorce". At that point, I just told her to take all the time she needs.

 

Then she switched 180 degrees and said "I don't know why I should be feeling guilty." It seems she feels that she is the victim but why she has feelings of guilt.

 

I'm not giving up but I feel that I'm fighting a losing battle.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by ktmrider1

This is so hard!

 

She called me. Into the conversation, she told me that she is confused. She feels that if we get back together, she would be so sensitive at everything that I do. She just doesn't want that. She doesn't know if she can love me again. It seems she has too much anger and resentment right now that it's clouding her thoughts.

 

She said that she doesn't want to get old and be unhappy. She doesn't know if she can take the risk and not be happy again.

I don't know if she wants to make a decision right now or not. She has feelings of anger and guilt at the same time. She feels bad that I'm hurting that now. She feels guilty. There are times I thought she was going to say "I want a divorce". At that point, I just told her to take all the time she needs.

 

Then she switched 180 degrees and said "I don't know why I should be feeling guilty." It seems she feels that she is the victim but why she has feelings of guilt.

 

I'm not giving up but I feel that I'm fighting a losing battle.

 

It's because you're talking too much and rehashing everything. You both need a break. She needs time to think and so do you. You should be working on whatever issues you feel you can correct that contributed to the situation you're in right now. She needs to do the same.

 

If she will agree to it, why not go to Marriage Counseling?

[ktmrider1]

She refuses to go to a MC.

I mentioned it to her and she got upset. She said that I'm presurring her.

[nightskyreader]

Originally posted by ktmrider1

It seems she feels that she is the victim but why she has feelings of guilt.

 

Probably because she's slappin' thighs with the colleague. Where I work, infidelity runs rampant. Hell, I'm doing it myself! Then again, it is highly probable that your wife is a much better person than I am. I wish you much luck in this endeavor! Keep us updated.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by ktmrider1

She refuses to go to a MC.

I mentioned it to her and she got upset. She said that I'm presurring her.

 

Ask her if she will go to the same one you go to separately then. She needs to talk and so do you, and you need a professional to help mediate. I mean, the books will help you but something is bothering her (and yes, you are pressuring her) but if she won't go, YOU go anyway. She needs to see you making those kinds of steps.

[ktmrider1]

update:

 

Spent the weekend the weekend with her. I stayed at her sister's house. I came Saturday and shared a family get together at her sister's house with her parents. Her parents don't know what's going on though. Sunday I took my dirt bike out and rode at a local track but my mind was always on her. Later that day, she and I met up and had dinner together. It was great seeing her and holding her but at times it was so hard thinking that I may lose my wife.

I stayed at her sister's again Sunday night since we will have the 4th celebration the next day. She as going to go back home to her parent's house but she stayed at her sister's house that night. Orginally, she would sleep in another room but in the middle of the night, she came over to my room. We just cuddled that night.

Leaving Monday night sometime after 11pm was very hard. She doesn't want contact for the next month. She said we can talk ocassonally on the phone though.

 

It will be so hard not calling her. Everyone on this forum tells me NO CONTACT but it's so hard controlling the pain that is inside.

 

How will no contact help me? No phone calls? No emails? No letters?

[Woggle]

Originally posted by ktmrider1

update:

 

Spent the weekend the weekend with her. I stayed at her sister's house. I came Saturday and shared a family get together at her sister's house with her parents. Her parents don't know what's going on though. Sunday I took my dirt bike out and rode at a local track but my mind was always on her. Later that day, she and I met up and had dinner together. It was great seeing her and holding her but at times it was so hard thinking that I may lose my wife.

I stayed at her sister's again Sunday night since we will have the 4th celebration the next day. She as going to go back home to her parent's house but she stayed at her sister's house that night. Orginally, she would sleep in another room but in the middle of the night, she came over to my room. We just cuddled that night.

Leaving Monday night sometime after 11pm was very hard. She doesn't want contact for the next month. She said we can talk ocassonally on the phone though.

 

It will be so hard not calling her. Everyone on this forum tells me NO CONTACT but it's so hard controlling the pain that is inside.

 

How will no contact help me? No phone calls? No emails? No letters?

 

You are just delaying the inevitable. The marriage is over. Learn to be happy on your own and live life as a single man. It is not twh rost fate in the world. In fact it can be freeing.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by ktmrider1

How will no contact help me? No phone calls? No emails? No letters?

 

Is contacting her helping you feel better? Or does it just push her away? Does she look at you with disgust and loathing? I know NC is very hard to implement, but honestly, every time you get to talk to her, do you feel better or worse? For me, I hated talking to my stbxh because he just reminded me of how he doesnt love me anymore, and it hurt so bad. I did leave the ball in his court. I told him everything I was willing to do and that I loved him very much. And then I implemented NC. Any communication we have, I try my hardest to maintain control of my emotions. He's a stranger, and I dont recoginize him. He acts so calm and collected and it tortures me, so I maintain NC for my own well being. I've become stronger and my mind is clearer on what's going on. I'm not in the survival mode anymore. It takes time, but you can do it. Whenever you feel the urge to call her, call your friend! Tell him that you're trying your hardest not to contact your ex so you called him. He'll help you through it. Come vent on these boards. You can cry and go through all the pain, and it's good. Just stick to NC. It will get better, and it'll give her some time to wonder what's going on with you. Honestly, would you want to be with someone who is crying and begging you back to be with them? The ONLY way to save your relationship is to heal yourself. Read up on divorce and how to overcome it. I've read marriagebuilders and divorcebusting websites. It makes sense. I dont know if it'll work, but it's the only chance I've got. And the more I've implemented NC, the more I realize the mistakes we both did in this relationship, and I have a better understanding of what needs to be fixed.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by ktmrider1

She doesn't want contact for the next month. She said we can talk ocassonally on the phone though.

 

It will be so hard not calling her. Everyone on this forum tells me NO CONTACT but it's so hard controlling the pain that is inside.

 

How will no contact help me? No phone calls? No emails? No letters?

 

Is she using that month to think about her marriage....or is she using that month to carry on her affair without interference from you?

[ktmrider1]

She is telling that she is using the separation to think about the marriage. She will not talk to the guy or see out of respect for me.

She tells me that she knows I'm hurting. She tells me she knows how it feels. She tells me that during the past two weeks, I've talked to her and see her more often than when everything was "normal".

 

She called me this morning. She ripped me again on why I waited so long until now to "see the light".

I told her that I understand and that I'm paying for it now. She got upset thinking about it.

 

She got a phone call from the other guy yesterday when we were out shopping for fireworks. She didn't take his call. Good? Bad? Who knows.

 

I'm just trying to make it through the day...one day at a time....

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by ktmrider1

She is telling that she is using the separation to think about the marriage. She will not talk to the guy or see out of respect for me.

 

Well, that's good.....if it's true. Unfortunately, it's difficult to ascertain if your partner is keeping their word when they aren't living in the home with you.

 

Many people consider a "separation" as a marriage sabbatical in which they are free to explore their illicit relationship without damage to the primary one. The problem is....that it really does damage the primary one anyway.

 

You should be very specific in your expectations here. If anybody is going to go NO CONTACT, it should be no contact with OM. She's still your wife, afterall. It's unreasonable for her to expect that you should be supportive of her 'interviewing' a potential new partner while you hold out a safety net for her.

 

You're going to have to get in the driver's seat here....with a willingness to end the marriage if necessary. I know you aren't prepared to do that yet. But you can't be her back-up plan either.

 

As I said before, she'll cheat or she won't. She'll leave you, or she won't. Your permission will not make ANY difference in this. In fact, it could be exacerbating the demise of the marriage. So, don't give into the temptation to give that permission. It is a solid boundary.

 

She ripped me again on why I waited so long until now to "see the light".

I told her that I understand and that I'm paying for it now.

 

It's important for you to make it clear to her that you can and you WILL change the previous behaviors that lead to this emotional distance between you. She needs to see actions. What are you actively doing to fix these problems?

 

You can't show her your changes without contact. It's too soon to go NO CONTACT with her. Instead, keep your contact to positive interchanges. Show her the attractive, fun guy she fell in love with. Keep the heavy-duty relationship talk to a minimum. Don't sulk. Don't pout. Don't use any emotional blackmail on her. Minimise the amount of contact. Give her an opportunity to miss you a little. Then blow her mind with how great you are when she does see you.

 

As long as she's compliant in NO CONTACT with OM. Then, be supportive. Put your best foot forward, and try to show her that your THE GUY for her.

 

I know you shouldn't have to compete for the devotion of your own wife, but sadly....that's kind of where you are. You've BOTH allowed your relationship to deteriorate to this point. Now, it's time to go back in and see if there's still a foundation upon which you can build.

 

If she is NOT compliant with NO CONTACT with OM....that's a horse of a different color. She'll need to know that she can't count on you to still be there after her dalliance has ended. She'll need to know that you aren't her safety net. This is where you let her know that your boundary is SOLID, and you're willing to walk away.

 

Anyway, the bottom line is...it's too early for NO CONTACT. NC should be reserved for OM.

[ktmrider]

I feel so hopeless and helpless. It's so painful to know that you wife no longer has the same feelings about you.

Although we talk everyday, it's so hard to keep a happy tone on the phone when all you want is to be with her but she doesn't feel the same. I told her how lonely I feel at times during the day and when I'm home alone. She would tell me that she knows how I'm feeling since she has gone through it with me. She told me that I didn't really understand the pain and loneliness she felt until it happens to me.

 

She wants no physical contact with me for a month (I'm on day TWO!). What happens then? Is she going to say she wants a divorce?

I can't make of it at this point. She calls me; I call her. But it's a separation.

 

But I'm hurting so much. It's hard to concentrate on work. The worse times of the day for me is when I wake up, after work driving home, and when I'm laying on my bed at night. I have no idea how bad it will be this weekend when I can't see her.

 

I need advice on how to cope on a day to day basis.

[CHAZ87]

ktm,

I feel the same way you do. But my wife is still in the same home, she might as well be in a different state. She's having an affair. I don't know were her head is right now, but it is killing me. She did move out for a couple days amd I felt like I was dead. That waking up and she not there, driving home knowing she won't be home, and the thought of her feelings for another. I want her back so bad it hurts. I know I am not cut out for this advice stuff at the moment, but hang in there. She loved you for a reason.

[RecordProducer]

You want to bring her back home and you want to know how. Certainly not by putting pressure on her. Don't tell her to date or not date. Forget that part as if she never mentioned it. If that guy is so important to her she will find a way to date him and it will mean that her feelings for you have died long time ago.

Right now she's holding the good cards and it's your call. Don't underestimate her position; you ARE her husband, but if you do one wrong move you can lose her.

 

From my position, only the person I love could win me back. Under no other circumstances would I go back to my ex-partners with whom I am not in love anymore. But if she still loves you then the best you can do is be a true gentle man. Send her flowers, surprise her with some present, and talk to her face-to-face. Apologize for your previous behavior, make realistic promises, and tell her how much you love her. Suggest a second honeymoon if possible and don't forget to shower her with attention and smiles.

But most of all, be patient. Don't give her any deadlines, don't threaten, warn her or blackmail her. She is used to get cold and negative from you. Try warm and positive this time.

And if you want to maintain your marriage, be always sweet to her. Good luck!

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by ktmrider

But I'm hurting so much. It's hard to concentrate on work. The worse times of the day for me is when I wake up, after work driving home, and when I'm laying on my bed at night. I have no idea how bad it will be this weekend when I can't see her.

 

I need advice on how to cope on a day to day basis.

 

Maybe you should make an appointment with your primary care doctor. Anti-depressant medication may be in order, at least for the time being. It's something to consider. Your doctor will be able to give you guidance on this.

[CHAZ87]

I asked my wife if I were to compliment her if it would have any efffect on her and she said no. I will still compliment her no matter what she says. I have been doing all those things you say and I still see myself losing her. But I don't want to give up hope.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by ktmrider

It's so painful to know that you wife no longer has the same feelings about you.

 

One more thing..... I know you think her feelings have changed. Maybe they have, maybe they haven't.

 

I have a theory that sometimes our softer emotions are BLOCKED.....usually by Anger, Resentment, or maybe even Infatuation with another person.

 

In my marriage, the Love was not gone. After these things were resolved it was readily (and even shockingly) apparent that the love was still there. You could have knocked us over with a feather, we were both so certain that love was gone.

 

Of course, we've been married for well over 20 years....so, we had ALOT of anger and resentment to resolve. But when we cleaned off all the crud, there was our Love, bright as a newly minted penny.

 

The most hurtful thought for me during my marriage crisis was..."he doesn't love me anymore". But it wasn't true.

[ktmrider]

Today was a different day. For once, I was able to concentrate on work due to an urgent technical difficulty at work. It felt kinda good because I was force to concentrate on something else for a change. She called me this morning but I had to concentrate on work. She text message me telling me what she will be doing for the day. I was very happy to have received the text message and phone call though.

 

I don't know if it was a mistake to ask to see her this weekend but I asked anyway. She politely refused.

At least my situation is not getting worse. I think about her all the time.

[Devildog]

KTM, if I may offer some advice. I know you want to see her. And she isn't likely going to invite you over, especially if you ask. Perhaps what you might want to do, next time she calls you, especially if it is in the evening, tell her you were just walking out the door to go get something to eat, and then ask if she would like to meet you at some restaurant. She might be a bit more willing to see you on neutral ground. If you try this, and if she agrees, keep the conversation light for your part. Don't get into the relationship talk, try to steer things away if she goes there. Don't ignore the topic if she brings it up, but don't turn it into the sole focus. Try to show her that time with you can still be fun. But don't put any pressure on her!

[ktmrider]

I don't know what to do anymore. We spent the weekend together, and we had a great time.

Today, she didn't answer two calls from me until I called her the third time.

She told me that she is very confused. She repeated what she told me before in that she is torn between giving up or marriage or try to make it work. If she tries to give it another chance and it turns out she still is not happy, she feels that she will waste too much time. She's afriad that her biological clock is ticking and she doesn't want to make a mistake. On the other hand, if she doesn't give the OM a chance, she might miss out something that she would be happy with. She knows that the other relationship carries the same risks.

Basically, she doesn't know what the right decision is. But she knows that either one carries the same pain and potential risks.

 

I told her that I love her enough to let her go. I don't want her to stay with me and be unhappy. She told me that she doesn't want to hurt me; she knows that what she will do will kill me inside. And she doesn't want to hurt me. She then cries on the phone.

 

I basically told her that I'm willing to step aside because I love her. I do want her to be happy.

It kills me to say those words but I had to. I can't force her to love me. She has to want to be back with me.

It's not fair for her to try to make the marriage work when her heart is no longer in it.

 

Now, I just have to brace for the pains that i will be having in the coming months.....when I see that she will give the OM a chance.

Keep in mind that she has never dated the OM. They just talk on the phone.

 

Love hurts so much....

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by ktmrider

I don't know what to do anymore. We spent the weekend together, and we had a great time.

Today, she didn't answer two calls from me until I called her the third time.

She told me that she is very confused. She repeated what she told me before in that she is torn between giving up or marriage or try to make it work. If she tries to give it another chance and it turns out she still is not happy, she feels that she will waste too much time. She's afriad that her biological clock is ticking and she doesn't want to make a mistake. On the other hand, if she doesn't give the OM a chance, she might miss out something that she would be happy with. She knows that the other relationship carries the same risks.

Basically, she doesn't know what the right decision is. But she knows that either one carries the same pain and potential risks.

 

I told her that I love her enough to let her go. I don't want her to stay with me and be unhappy. She told me that she doesn't want to hurt me; she knows that what she will do will kill me inside. And she doesn't want to hurt me. She then cries on the phone.

 

I basically told her that I'm willing to step aside because I love her. I do want her to be happy.

It kills me to say those words but I had to. I can't force her to love me. She has to want to be back with me.

It's not fair for her to try to make the marriage work when her heart is no longer in it.

 

Now, I just have to brace for the pains that i will be having in the coming months.....when I see that she will give the OM a chance.

Keep in mind that she has never dated the OM. They just talk on the phone.

 

Love hurts so much....

 

I hope it works out.

 

However, I would have suggested you say "I'm not willing to be a part of a love triangle. Since you can't decide, I am going to decide for you. I am filing separation papers tomorrow and you can have the OM."

 

What you'd be showing her is that you have a boundary and since she's decided to cross it you are going to have repercussions for doing so. You bowed down where it's better to cut ties.

 

Just my 2 cents though I really pray it works out for you.

[ktmrider]

I feel like a yo-yo. Yesterday, she told me that my changed in attitude and actions the past three weeks really put a wrench in her previous decision to go on with her life without me. It's because she doesn't know if that's what is best to do anymore. But she's afraid that it won't work out between us. That was my low point of the day.

 

Then I didn't hear from her until about 11PM at night, but we talked until 3:30AM this morning. She tells me that her family does play a role in her decision. For example, her dad is into riding motorcycles with me and she's afraid to ruin it. She then lists the things that her family likes to do with me like going to the lake and jet ski. She said that it would be different if she takes on a new relationship. She would probably have to on new hobbies. She's not sure if she likes that.

Basically, she's saying that I have a lot of history with her and her family. The new OM would not have those.

 

I'm on an emotional roller coaster ride.

[ConfusedInOC]

If you do not draw a boundary and have repercussions for it, you will lose her. Maybe not now, but eventually.

 

In my opinion, I believe you should tell her this:

 

"I'm not going to be a third spoke. Since you can not decide you are telling me you do not want me. Since that is the case, I am going to file for divorce. I am not going to share you with someone and I am not going to wait forever."

 

And be prepared to back up your words. This is the time for you to put your foot down and prove you will move on without her.

 

Why are you letting her waiver like this? She's going to sit on the fence forever until you do something to knock her to one side or the other. If you want your wife back, prove it by be willing to risk losing her.

 

Good luck. Hopefully you read "Love Must Be Tough" by now.

[ktmrider]

Today, against my feelings I told my wife that we should go on a "real" separation.

She needs to sort out her feelings. The only way is to not have no contact with me for a while.

 

I told her to use this separation to find out if she can love me again or find true happiness with another man.

She agreed that this is what she should do.

 

I think I can pressure her into giving our marriage another try but I think that would be selfish of me. I don't want to use guilt to pressure her. I feel that if I really love her, I should let her choose her happiness.

 

She is a great person. She tried so hard to keep our marraige intact but I was too stupid and selfish to realize that. Now, I should repay her love that she gave to me over the years. The only way is to let her choose her happiness and not pressure her.

 

The 1st stage of the separation will be to find out if she will miss me if we have no contact. The 2nd phase will be when she dates someone else. She would then know if we can get back together or not.

 

I don't know if I"m doing the right thing by agreeing to it.....