Any tips on letting go of hurt?

[Survivedtothriving]

Thanks for sharing your story. It's sounds like you've recognized where mistakes were made and are working on continuing to improve your marriage. Continuing with therapy should be helpful as well. I would imagine that healing is simply going to take time. Praying for your marriage!

 

Thanks for the prayers.

 

 

In a lot of ways, our marriage is so much better now than it was before. We still have some things, affair related, to work through.

 

 

The goods are: a new place to live in with so many places/sights to see with so much culture. I quit drinking. We started eating healthy again and working out, together again. We spend quality time together, focusing on each other and not the TV. We are much more focused on our finances and our future together. We talk to each other about our feelings instead of holding them in for whatever reason.

 

 

The goods outweigh the bads and we need to keep focusing on the positive!

[Mr Blunt]

By Survivedtothriving

My wife is remorseful. Our marriage is going to make it. We have way too many positives in our marriage to let one month of negatives destroy it. She is helping heal me and would do anything I ask her to help me.

 

The goods are: a new place to live in with so many places/sights to see with so much culture. I quit drinking. We started eating healthy again and working out, together again. We spend quality time together, focusing on each other and not the TV. We are much more focused on our finances and our future together. We talk to each other about our feelings instead of holding them in for whatever reason.

 

The goods outweigh the bads and we need to keep focusing on the positive!

 

Based on your posts you two are doing a lot that can help build the relationship back up.

 

 

 

 

By Survivedtothriving

She took parts of our special marriage and love for each other and gave it to him. That is part of my hurt.

That hurt is not going to go away in a few months or a few years. You can reduce it somewhat in the years to come but what you two did was serious damage and it will take a very concentrated effort and several years to get a LOT better with the pain. I know that you want only positive posts but you need to know what the time frame is to get a LOT better.

 

Yes she did do a threesome and you agreed and did not stop it. I cannot understand your thinking to suggest and allow another man to take parts of your special marriage and degrade it. However, it seems that you now know how terribly harmful that threesome was.

 

I can see that you are very determined to have an R and you are to be congratulated on your sobriety; that was a HUGE step. Right now you are in the honeymoon of the first year of R with some hysterical bonding and you two are doing very well. You probably do not to have to worry to much about you two being motivated to do the things that will help heal in this year and maybe even next year. I just want you to set out a plan for the next 10 years and get in the habit of doing the things that will keep your marriage in a successful R. The first year maybe the hardest but the next 9 years are the most dangerous.

[Survivedtothriving]

 

Based on your posts you two are doing a lot that can help build the relationship back up.

 

 

That hurt is not going to go away in a few months or a few years. You can reduce it somewhat in the years to come but what you two did was serious damage and it will take a very concentrated effort and several years to get a LOT better with the pain. I know that you want only positive posts but you need to know what the time frame is to get a LOT better.

 

Yes she did do a threesome and you agreed and did not stop it. I cannot understand your thinking to suggest and allow another man to take parts of your special marriage and degrade it. However, it seems that you now know how terribly harmful that threesome was.

 

I can see that you are very determined to have an R and you are to be congratulated on your sobriety; that was a HUGE step. Right now you are in the honeymoon of the first year of R with some hysterical bonding and you two are doing very well. You probably do not to have to worry to much about you two being motivated to do the things that will help heal in this year and maybe even next year. I just want you to set out a plan for the next 10 years and get in the habit of doing the things that will keep your marriage in a successful R. The first year maybe the hardest but the next 9 years are the most dangerous.

 

 

You got it...threesome = terrible idea. We both feel equally stupid for that decision.

 

 

A plan for the next ten years is a great idea. We made contracts to each other right after the affair happened and we decided to stay together. A written plan is a good idea as well.

 

 

I agree the next coming years will be dangerous. My fear is that we will become complacent again and lose sight of goal of our marriage. That happened once already, so we cannot let it happen again.

[BluesPower]

"She probably did think she had my permission, at some level, to justify what she was doing."

 

 

I agree that you are doing pretty well, but it is so soon after D Day. I have a problem with this statement. She new what she was doing was wrong from the start.

 

 

And, did it really start the day after the 3 some? You have to ask yourself in a more realistic way. Why, was the sex with him better? She did things with him she would not do with you? Was it just that it was new sex, new cock?

 

 

These things are going to creep into you mind no matter how strong you are. How could she start screwing him right after the 3 some?

 

 

How is your sex life with your wife? Is it better, is it worse. Is she satisfied the way that she wants to be? All of this stuff has to be talked about.

 

 

I realize that it is hard to talk about all these things, but you have to.

 

 

I have to tell you this. It is your wife's responsibility to fix the trust in your marriage. She is the one that broke it into a 1000 pieces.

 

 

I had all the phases that everyone describes, and after a few months, the anger really sat in hard. I was so angry that I could not see straight.

 

 

I just want you to be aware that it is not going to be as easy as you think right now. There are hard times ahead and you have to be ready.

 

 

In some ways I don't think I ever got over my wife's affair and I think it was one of the prime factors in our divorce.

 

 

I wish you better luck.

[understand50]

You got it...threesome = terrible idea. We both feel equally stupid for that decision.

 

 

A plan for the next ten years is a great idea. We made contracts to each other right after the affair happened and we decided to stay together. A written plan is a good idea as well.

 

 

I agree the next coming years will be dangerous. My fear is that we will become complacent again and lose sight of goal of our marriage. That happened once already, so we cannot let it happen again.

 

Well, some practical advise, that has worked for my my wife and I..

 

Date night, once a week, and always. The big rule, is we do something together, and do not discuss heavy subjects. Does not have to be expensive. Sometimes we just go for a walk, other times, a show, So fourth.

 

10 Cheap Date Ideas | The Art of Manliness

 

The second part is a monthly talk. The point is, that many couples do not really communicate, or do not because the other will use it against them. So, we "schedule" a talk where everything is on the table, and we both expect honesty and straight talk, but any thing said, stays in the talk, and cannot be used outside of the talk. Takes discipline, but works in that it keep things in one area, and make each think about subjects and gives them time for hard thought. It also stop us both from wondering if the other is going to bring things up, when we are trying to just live. The following site, gives some idea. We do this monthly, and we have a spot at the end to work on harder questions.

 

The Power of a Weekly Marriage Meeting | The Art of Manliness

 

You also need to learn how to communicate. I do not know if you and your wife have issues with this, but this may help as well.

 

How to Communicate With Your Spouse | The Art of Manliness

 

How to Communicate Your Needs in a Relationship | The Art of Manliness

 

You may be thinking that you and your wife should not have to do this things on a schedule and so formally. Should not a marriage be more relaxed? The come back, is once you get on a good footing, you will find you can be more relaxed, but now you will need some structure, to stand on and help you both with the hard work of the marriage. Right now, both of you need a space where you can have some real hard talks, and this will allow you to have them, but leave space for you two to reconnect. Rule one, you can not be mad at each other 24/7. It is not fair to both of you and in the end will just led to divorce. This should allow you to keep your anger, and you should, keep it, but use it as a positive. I am still angry at my wife for her ONS almost 50 years ago, still very mad at her almost putting us into bankruptcy, but I do not allow this to define my relationship with her. I am really, deeply, in love with her, and I place that first. Hope this can help.

 

I wish you luck......

[Survivedtothriving]

"She probably did think she had my permission, at some level, to justify what she was doing."

 

 

I agree that you are doing pretty well, but it is so soon after D Day. I have a problem with this statement. She new what she was doing was wrong from the start.

 

 

And, did it really start the day after the 3 some? You have to ask yourself in a more realistic way. Why, was the sex with him better? She did things with him she would not do with you? Was it just that it was new sex, new cock?

 

 

These things are going to creep into you mind no matter how strong you are. How could she start screwing him right after the 3 some?

 

 

How is your sex life with your wife? Is it better, is it worse. Is she satisfied the way that she wants to be? All of this stuff has to be talked about.

 

 

I realize that it is hard to talk about all these things, but you have to.

 

 

I have to tell you this. It is your wife's responsibility to fix the trust in your marriage. She is the one that broke it into a 1000 pieces.

 

 

I had all the phases that everyone describes, and after a few months, the anger really sat in hard. I was so angry that I could not see straight.

 

 

I just want you to be aware that it is not going to be as easy as you think right now. There are hard times ahead and you have to be ready.

 

 

In some ways I don't think I ever got over my wife's affair and I think it was one of the prime factors in our divorce.

 

 

I wish you better luck.

 

We have already had most of the sex talks. They started right after I found out and continued for about two months. The way she explains it was that he was just different than me. It wasn't better, just different. He was a new person and he did things differently.

 

 

We never stopped having sex. Before, during and after the affair we have never gone more than a few days on average. Now, our sex life is great and we don't do anything crazy. We are more in tune to each other and it feels better. It isn't just a routine.

 

 

She started with him right after the threesome for several reasons. One, the door to sex (and emotional connection) was open for her. Two, he gave her a HUGE self esteem boost by telling her things that she wanted to hear. He knew what to say to make her feel really special and he started the day after the threesome with it. She fell right into it.

 

 

This isn't easy and I know it isn't going to get easier anytime soon. It sucks everyday to think about. But, it happened and we want our marriage to work. So, we will do what it takes to make it work. She is prepared for whatever may come and her actions will speak loudly on how bad she wants our marriage to work. So far, so good. She has said and shown me she wants me and our marriage, and nothing else.

 

 

I am sorry to hear your marriage ended in divorce. I don't think anyone ever completely gets over an affair. I know I won't. My wife knows I will never be 100% over it. It doesn't need to ruin our marriage though. It can be dealt with. I know our marriage won't be like it was before, but then again, it needed some work before (and I am certainly not justifying her having an affair!). It sucks that it took an affair for us to realize we had issues.

[Survivedtothriving]

Well, some practical advise, that has worked for my my wife and I..

 

Date night, once a week, and always. The big rule, is we do something together, and do not discuss heavy subjects. Does not have to be expensive. Sometimes we just go for a walk, other times, a show, So fourth.

 

10 Cheap Date Ideas | The Art of Manliness

 

The second part is a monthly talk. The point is, that many couples do not really communicate, or do not because the other will use it against them. So, we "schedule" a talk where everything is on the table, and we both expect honesty and straight talk, but any thing said, stays in the talk, and cannot be used outside of the talk. Takes discipline, but works in that it keep things in one area, and make each think about subjects and gives them time for hard thought. It also stop us both from wondering if the other is going to bring things up, when we are trying to just live. The following site, gives some idea. We do this monthly, and we have a spot at the end to work on harder questions.

 

The Power of a Weekly Marriage Meeting | The Art of Manliness

 

You also need to learn how to communicate. I do not know if you and your wife have issues with this, but this may help as well.

 

How to Communicate With Your Spouse | The Art of Manliness

 

How to Communicate Your Needs in a Relationship | The Art of Manliness

 

You may be thinking that you and your wife should not have to do this things on a schedule and so formally. Should not a marriage be more relaxed? The come back, is once you get on a good footing, you will find you can be more relaxed, but now you will need some structure, to stand on and help you both with the hard work of the marriage. Right now, both of you need a space where you can have some real hard talks, and this will allow you to have them, but leave space for you two to reconnect. Rule one, you can not be mad at each other 24/7. It is not fair to both of you and in the end will just led to divorce. This should allow you to keep your anger, and you should, keep it, but use it as a positive. I am still angry at my wife for her ONS almost 50 years ago, still very mad at her almost putting us into bankruptcy, but I do not allow this to define my relationship with her. I am really, deeply, in love with her, and I place that first. Hope this can help.

 

I wish you luck......

 

 

Thanks! There is a lot of good information in these links.

 

 

We can communicate...I think we can do better. In person, talking, we usually do well. When we want to talk about heavier things, we sometimes use email or texts. When I write something to her, I get to proof read it first. In person, I don't get to proof read and sometimes I say things that I should not say or they come out completely wrong.

 

 

We are working on a date night right now. We are in a new area and we need to find a sitter. We know we need quality time alone, without interruption. There are plenty of things to do near us and since we are in a new area, they are all new things.

 

 

I have learned in all of this that marriages need maintenance breaks. We need to sit down and bring up the subjects that we may not want to talk about, that need to be talked about. Otherwise, resentment can build and needs not met. Then a marriage gets into trouble. I like the idea of a planned, monthly talk.

[Survivedtothriving]

Went to MC today. Of course, half the session was just getting to know the counselor. We spent the last 20 minutes explaining what happened and then the session was over.

 

 

I feel terrible. It was almost like we are starting all over from D Day. It really sucks to have to tell the story to another person. We went together and we both want to be there. But now, hours later, I am still trying to calm my brain down. It feels like I stepped back in time. My emotions are all over the place. I still love my wife more than anything in the world and still want to work this out, but it really sucks!!

 

 

Hopefully next week will be better.

[Wade Lamare]

We had discussed a threesome before that night. it wasn't exactly unplanned, we just didn't know it would be with him.

 

You got it...threesome = terrible idea. We both feel equally stupid for that decision.

 

Reading between the lines I assume that she was the driving force behind this as it was a MMF threesome?

 

Were there ever any plans for 'your' turn with a MFF threesome?

 

No experience of this in real life but I've seen several threads on various forums where one spouse is very happy when they have the 'benefit' of an extra opposite sex partner in a threesome but suddenly rather go off the idea when it is their spouses turn for 'their' threesome.

 

I wouldn't normally suggest this as I think it is pouring petrol on a fire to try and put it out, but you do mention you had been trying to be adventurous.

 

Do you think it would lessen the hurt you are feeling if your threesome was arranged? As I say, personally I think it is a bad idea but I do know that some of the hurt people feel after these things is a feeling of "He/she got their jollies, their fun and all I got was this ^*!& sandwich."

Depending on how adventurous you want to be I suppose it could help. It could, of course, be the final nail in the coffin.

Did you ever ask your wife how she'd have felt if you had your threesome?

 

Do all the texts etc. absolutely confirm that nothing went on prior to that night? Is there no way that this could have been arranged by the two of them previous to that night as you mention that he was always around at your place.

 

And top tip, if in the future your wife ever starts fantasising about a threesome or even suggests it say "Yep, great idea, when can she get here?" It normally shuts that nonsense down pronto.

 

To be absolutely honest I think the only thing that will lessen the hurt you feel is time and to continue doing exactly what the two of you have been doing.

[BluesPower]

It may or may not get better next week. This is how the feelings come up as you really start to work out all the issues.

 

 

Now you see that this stuff comes up out of the blue when you don't expect it, I can tell you that one good thing happened at least.

For maybe the first time your wife saw in front of the counselor how much she hurt you. You, her strong loving husband who loved her and protected her and your children, allowed her to stay home with the kids.

 

 

She may have seen it before, but it is a good thing for the WS to see the damage that they have done. You know what, it really hurts them and they really deserve to hurt because of what they have done. I know that no man that loves his wife wants her to hurt, but is this situation it is necessary for the marriage and both of you.

Make not mistake, in your earlier post you were defiantly taking blame and responsibility for the affair because of the threesome. Soon you will realize that it was in no way a result of the threesome. She was ready to cheat, and this may not be something that she or you actually realize.

 

 

When I went through this I thought that I was (arrogant as this is) the strongest man that I knew. I had already been through **** that you can hardly imagine. I thought that I could handle anything, and boy was I full of ****.

 

 

The affair and the aftermath broke me down into a whimpering puppy.

 

 

You hang in there and don't feel bad for ANYTHING YOU FEEL. You have every right to feel it and it really just has to happen.

Sending much (manly) love to you and your whole family.

[DKT3]

Went to MC today. Of course, half the session was just getting to know the counselor. We spent the last 20 minutes explaining what happened and then the session was over.

 

 

I feel terrible. It was almost like we are starting all over from D Day. It really sucks to have to tell the story to another person. We went together and we both want to be there. But now, hours later, I am still trying to calm my brain down. It feels like I stepped back in time. My emotions are all over the place. I still love my wife more than anything in the world and still want to work this out, but it really sucks!!

 

 

Hopefully next week will be better.

 

One of the reasons many people don't like therapy is most good therapist will discover underlying issues that have been swept under the rug. It can be very difficult, like walking through the storm.

 

My wife and I have cut way back on mc, instead we use what we call walk therapy, every Tuesday we take an hour long walk during which we lay out any issues we have, we are not allowed a rebuttal , just listening. Then again on Thursday we use to discuss Tuesday's issues. It works great for us.

 

My advice, do your best to make your wife safe enough to be honest with you (I honestly believe you have more truth coming, I'm suspecting they were involved proir to the threesome) if you show too much anger at the things she says and feels she will become more cautious about what she says or shut down totally.

[Cephalopod]

To be honest, their sex during the affair did hurt. I know the things they did. It was different than anything I'd ever done with my wife. We haven't tried those things that he did, but then again, I don't want to and she doesn't want to either. At the time she seemed to enjoy them, but now it seems that she is really turned off by the things he did.

 

 

.

 

Did she really enjoy the sex acts themselves or merely the attention she was getting from him.

 

For many men this is a dealbreaker..."Why won't you do it for me if you did it for him?" Because if she enjoyed those things then there is no reason why she should not be willing to do them for you. If she did not enjoy them, but used her submissiveness as barter for ego kibbles from him, then I could see how she would not want to do them.

 

But that is a huge thing to get past for a man.

[Wade Lamare]

(I honestly believe you have more truth coming, I'm suspecting they were involved proir to the threesome)

 

Yes. My concern too which is why I asked if the MMF threesome had been largely driven by her.

 

I dunno, perhaps I'm being over cynical but due to the fact that OM was continually sniffing around I do wonder if something, even maybe as minor as mild flirting was going on previously. Once the threesome happened they became careless.

On the other side of the coin the OM sounds like just the sort of arrogant arse that would delight in informing the OP of any previous trysts. So as he hasn't it may mean there is nothing to tell.

Surviving, you are hurting now but if you get any trickle truth a month or two down the line that hurt will come rushing back at full strength.

 

Perhaps show your wife 'Josephs' letter and then give her an opportunity to have a 'no foul' airing of anything she might have held back?

[Wade Lamare]

Did she really enjoy the sex acts themselves or merely the attention she was getting from him.

 

For many men this is a dealbreaker..."Why won't you do it for me if you did it for him?" Because if she enjoyed those things then there is no reason why she should not be willing to do them for you. If she did not enjoy them, but used her submissiveness as barter for ego kibbles from him, then I could see how she would not want to do them.

 

But that is a huge thing to get past for a man.

 

Could be the Madonna-Wh**re complex.

 

With Surviving she feels that she has to be the good, church going, motherly and responsible wife.

 

With OM she was able to release some of her slightly 'slutty' (I hate that word but hopefully you know what I mean) side, be more wanton, more sexually promiscuous.

It's not an unknown phenomena and let's face it, affairs aren't real life are they?

[Survivedtothriving]

The threesome was NOT her idea. When we had talked about one in the past, we always decided that it was a bad idea. Add in some alcohol a few months later and boom, threesome.

 

 

I drove the threesome. She was against it at first and finally gave in. I remember that clearly.

 

 

I can take the blame for the threesome. She did agree, but I drove it. I mean really drove it. I can take blame for introducing my wife to another man. I know my wife gets emotionally attached. I knew that before the threesome. Some of you say for me to not take blame for the affair, but without this threesome she would have probably told me if he ever contacted her outside of me. Without the threesome, there would not have been an affair. That is me speaking, not my wife. I firmly believe that. But, it doesn't matter. the "what if" game doesn't get us anywhere.

 

 

Our sex life was fine before this. It's much, much better now. No, we don't do anything he did. He was into some different stuff. My wife doesn't want to try it with me and I have no desire to try it either. She was in love with the way he treated her and the way he boosted her self esteem. The sex was great for her because of the way he made her feel, not because he was better in bed. I know this because of our last MC and numerous articles written about affairs.

 

 

There is no proof of an anything between them before the threesome. NONE. The phone logs show that they never called each other or texted each other. The emails start after the threesome. It is even written in the emails that he had feelings for her before the threesome. In the emails, my wife never talked about having feelings for him before the threesome. In fact, I remember before the threesome having her talk to me about not liking him so much as a friend because she knew how he treated his wife.

 

 

I gave her the Joseph's letter yesterday and she said she would sign it. I've gone around and around with her on this subject. She told me everything, and I mean everything, that happened during the affair. Where they met, when they met, what they did, the conversations they had, the things they did in bed, the shower, everything. I had gotten all the facts within two weeks of D Day. To this day, the story remains the same. I seriously doubt anything major is going to surface. My wife is done lying to me, and hasn't lied to me since the affair was over. I haven't caught her in any lie since. If I am going to move on from this, which I desperately want to do, I am going to have to have faith in her honesty. She knows that any new information will cause a major set back.

 

 

I feel this thread isn't helping so much anymore. I understand where everyone is coming from and has experience in infidelity. But no story is the same. It seems as if you all are waiting for more bomb shells to drop and to find out she has been lying to me still. I don't feel like she is hiding anything. She wants to reconcile. You all don't need to believe her, only I do. And I do. She wants our marriage. And so do I.

 

 

Thanks for the support. I do appreciate it.

[SweetiePi]

Welcome Survived

 

 

Congrats on your sobriety. Am happy to hear that there are couples like you and your W that forgive and make it work.

 

 

The only thing I find helpful to the memories subsiding is to talk to someone about it and get it out and mindfulness as well. Training your mind to not wander off and be more controlled. I'm in a class like this right now and it has helped, but I'm still not a master at it yet.

[Wade Lamare]

Just to be clear I didn't post to bust you or your wife's chops about the affair. You wanted advice on how to let go of the hurt and I know full well that there is little hope of letting go if you get some trickle truth a week, a month, six months from now.

Having said that it does look as though you've been lucky (lucky you). And that everything has stemmed from the night of the three some.

 

Yes, everyone's situation is different but you might be surprised to find out how remarkably similar and tawdry the vast majority of these affairs are. On numerous occasions on this and other boards you read "omg you were right, he/she has been carrying on for half our marriage, I'm sorry I doubted you."

There is a 'cheaters script' and a 'betrayed script' and it is remarkable how often they follow the same lines.

 

To be honest I think you are doing fantastically well all things considered and it is difficult to add any advice on top of what you are already doing.

 

To successfully let go of the hurt and reconcile I think you need;

 

A spouse who is genuinely remorseful for hurting and betraying you and will do 'anything' to help you recover.

 

A big heart on both sides.

 

Time.

 

Luck.

 

Some form of counselling.

 

A better marriage going forwards.

 

And, from what I've read, you have that in spades. Just don't get complacent!

Edited August 5, 2016 by Wade Lamare

[Joie]

I love your post. It feels full of positives and not so much negative. I don't want this to drag on for 3-5 years because that is statistically correct. What works for others doesn't necessarily mean it is going to work for me.

 

 

Last night was a great example of me letting her know how she hurt me. I gave her some specifics that were bothering me and then she listened. She said first, that she was wrong. The affair was wrong. Then she talked about why she did it. That really helped me even though she has told me before.

 

 

We are going to get back into counseling. Journaling is still happening.

 

 

Thanks for the post!

 

This was my great fear. I didn't want to be unhappy for 2-5 years of my life. I will say that it did take TIME and hard work. I took anti depressants to get me through the initial months. I journal my thoughts in a thread here at LS. For months the A was always a thought in the back of my mind. But slowly as months past I thought of it less and less. Last month we went on a family vacation and I didn't think of it at ALL! There was no shadow.

 

However I was NOT unhappy for 2 years. Yes, sometimes the affair taints my thoughts but I still have happy memories while healing. It is the happiness that kept us going.