Any tips on letting go of hurt?

[Survivedtothriving]

Yeah you are. It's normal. For a period I took on the blame for my ywife' affair. If I had done this or that.

 

I made excuses, many you are using. "She didn't mean this" "she was in a fog"

 

You have to understand how contradictory most of your writing is, for us it's a sign of confusion.

 

What do you recommend as my next step?

[ladydesigner]

Yeah you are. It's normal. For a period I took on the blame for my ywife' affair. If I had done this or that.

 

I made excuses, many you are using. "She didn't mean this" "she was in a fog"

 

You have to understand how contradictory most of your writing is, for us it's a sign of confusion.

 

I did the same thing until I found broken NC (no contact)

 

Never take on the blame for an A. Problems in the M... maybe... but the A no that is 100% on the WS.

[ladydesigner]

What do you recommend as my next step?

 

Just curious.. have you been trusting but verifying (making sure the A is actually over)?

[Survivedtothriving]

Just curious.. have you been trusting but verifying (making sure the A is actually over)?

 

Oh yes! Before we moved, I was checking the phone log, all of her email accounts (I changed the passwords...she had to get the new ones from me), I checked every web browser's history, I kept my eye out for a "burner" phone, came home from work early on days that would work for her to see him, etc.

 

 

The last time she saw him alone was really the last event of the affair. Any text or email she got she immediately showed me in order to be transparent as possible. The next time we saw him together was in court and she was terrified of him.

 

 

Now that we moved, I still check up.

[Survivedtothriving]

I did the same thing until I found broken NC (no contact)

 

Never take on the blame for an A. Problems in the M... maybe... but the A no that is 100% on the WS.

 

I try not to take the blame.

 

 

The threesome was a terrible idea and I did have a drinking problem. But, those aren't reasons to have an affair.

[heartwhole]

Of course, the easy answer is that you need time to let go of the hurt. I can't count the number of times people responded to me that you need 2-5 years to get over infidelity. That's all well and good, but does that mean my life is just on hold until at least 2 years have passed?

 

I think that if you are moving forward together with your wife, which it sounds like you are, then you need her to listen and acknowledge and take responsibility for your pain. You need to spend some time reflecting on exactly what about the affair still hurts you, how it affected your psyche, how it traumatized you and negatively impacted your self-esteem. You need to verbalize this with your wife, if she's a safe partner to do so with at this point, and know that she hears you.

 

I also think that journaling, confiding in trusted friends, counseling, and posting here can all help. It's a matter of "getting it all out." You can't ignore or sidestep the hurt; you must tend to it carefully, letting it hit the air and sunshine, and little by little it will dissipate.

[DKT3]

What do you recommend as my next step?

 

You are actually doing great, my caution is in believing you 1) have already forgiven her 2) believing too much of what she is saying 3) making excuses and taking the blame

 

This things are setting you up for major setback, and continued wayward behavior. you can't speed though this, it's a slow walk with you eyes open while waiting to take the next hit. as another poster loves to say "eyes open mouth shut".

 

In time if her actons match her words you will begin to heal and trust. you have no control of that. All you can doing is proceed with the idea of you being a better you and not fixing her. Hopefully the two will match and you can grow the marriage, if not your now in a better position to move forward with out her.

[understand50]

What is going to do this, is time and hard work by your wife and yourself. I think it goes with out saying, no more group sex. The fact she fell head over heels, for this guy after the threesome, is a red flag, but again, once you gave her the outlet, you have to take some of the responsibility for her actions. Not much, but some. Communication, will help, and you should be talking about thins, how it happened and why. She had approved sex with another guy, with you looking at her, why did she feel that she needed more? Did she think she had, at some level, your permission? You need to acknowledge, that you moved to a "open" marriage, even though you may not think so. You both are going to have to deal with that and work it out.

 

I wish you luck......

[drifter777]

I also think you are doing a great job ..... of sweeping the whole thing under the rug. You are in full defense-mode of your wife's cheating because you are not yet ready to face the fact that what she did was a brutal betrayal. Whenever a BH says that he "forgave" his wife soon after d-day it means he is too afraid of losing his marriage to process and work through his own anger, sadness, and pain. He will bend over backwards to make excuses for her so that he can justify staying with her and taking big bites out of the sh*t sandwich she just handed him. He needs this to hold on to some semblance of his self-esteem. I get it - I did it myself.

 

You've watched your wife have sex with OM and had zero problem with it so it's clear the sexual aspect of what she did is not the primary issue here. For this reason I think you have a chance to reconcile IF you begin processing all of this for real. Judging by your emotional state right now I can safely predict that you won't believe anything I've said here. But when you are ready I would suggest you come back and read this as well as DKT3's posts.

[Survivedtothriving]

Of course, the easy answer is that you need time to let go of the hurt. I can't count the number of times people responded to me that you need 2-5 years to get over infidelity. That's all well and good, but does that mean my life is just on hold until at least 2 years have passed?

 

I think that if you are moving forward together with your wife, which it sounds like you are, then you need her to listen and acknowledge and take responsibility for your pain. You need to spend some time reflecting on exactly what about the affair still hurts you, how it affected your psyche, how it traumatized you and negatively impacted your self-esteem. You need to verbalize this with your wife, if she's a safe partner to do so with at this point, and know that she hears you.

 

I also think that journaling, confiding in trusted friends, counseling, and posting here can all help. It's a matter of "getting it all out." You can't ignore or sidestep the hurt; you must tend to it carefully, letting it hit the air and sunshine, and little by little it will dissipate.

 

 

I love your post. It feels full of positives and not so much negative. I don't want this to drag on for 3-5 years because that is statistically correct. What works for others doesn't necessarily mean it is going to work for me.

 

 

Last night was a great example of me letting her know how she hurt me. I gave her some specifics that were bothering me and then she listened. She said first, that she was wrong. The affair was wrong. Then she talked about why she did it. That really helped me even though she has told me before.

 

 

We are going to get back into counseling. Journaling is still happening.

 

 

Thanks for the post!

[Survivedtothriving]

You are actually doing great, my caution is in believing you 1) have already forgiven her 2) believing too much of what she is saying 3) making excuses and taking the blame

 

This things are setting you up for major setback, and continued wayward behavior. you can't speed though this, it's a slow walk with you eyes open while waiting to take the next hit. as another poster loves to say "eyes open mouth shut".

 

In time if her actons match her words you will begin to heal and trust. you have no control of that. All you can doing is proceed with the idea of you being a better you and not fixing her. Hopefully the two will match and you can grow the marriage, if not your now in a better position to move forward with out her.

 

 

I understand where you are coming from. At work, I see drama between people and listen to what they tell me, yet I don't believe they know what is really happening.

 

 

I can see the affair as it happened, through the emails and texts. I can see what they talked about and how it progressed so quickly. Part of our healing process is seeing that this guy manipulated both of us together. He manipulated me since the beginning of our friendship. He lied to me, over and over about who he was. He did things to show that he was a great friend, but it was an act. I boosted his ego, so he kept feeding me BS to keep his ego up. I can see this clearly, on my own. Then, add the affair into the picture. He did the same thing to my wife. He was very, very good at telling her the things she wanted to hear. He dropped the "I love you first". He dropped the "soul mate" first. He did everything first. Most of the emails he sent were about sex and wanting more. My wife's emails were mostly one liners, that agreed with what he was saying. The proof is in the emails, and it matches my wife's story. It doesn't excuse my wife, but it does show that he was driving the entire affair.

 

She is an open book for me, and except for that month, she has always been. I can access her emails, bank account, phone, journal, whatever. She also has access to mine. I mostly trust her.

[Survivedtothriving]

What is going to do this, is time and hard work by your wife and yourself. I think it goes with out saying, no more group sex. The fact she fell head over heels, for this guy after the threesome, is a red flag, but again, once you gave her the outlet, you have to take some of the responsibility for her actions. Not much, but some. Communication, will help, and you should be talking about thins, how it happened and why. She had approved sex with another guy, with you looking at her, why did she feel that she needed more? Did she think she had, at some level, your permission? You need to acknowledge, that you moved to a "open" marriage, even though you may not think so. You both are going to have to deal with that and work it out.

 

I wish you luck......

 

 

Ha, yes, no more group sex! Obviously it didn't work for us. I take responsibility that the threesome idea was terrible. I know that it was a stupid, drunk, stupid decision. It doesn't give her permission for an affair.

 

 

I don't really agree with you about an open marriage. My wife and I agreed what was cheating and what was not. She moved it to an open marriage without my consent. She probably did think she had my permission, at some level, to justify what she was doing.

[Survivedtothriving]

I also think you are doing a great job ..... of sweeping the whole thing under the rug. You are in full defense-mode of your wife's cheating because you are not yet ready to face the fact that what she did was a brutal betrayal. Whenever a BH says that he "forgave" his wife soon after d-day it means he is too afraid of losing his marriage to process and work through his own anger, sadness, and pain. He will bend over backwards to make excuses for her so that he can justify staying with her and taking big bites out of the sh*t sandwich she just handed him. He needs this to hold on to some semblance of his self-esteem. I get it - I did it myself.

 

You've watched your wife have sex with OM and had zero problem with it so it's clear the sexual aspect of what she did is not the primary issue here. For this reason I think you have a chance to reconcile IF you begin processing all of this for real. Judging by your emotional state right now I can safely predict that you won't believe anything I've said here. But when you are ready I would suggest you come back and read this as well as DKT3's posts.

 

It's not that I don't believe you, but I do take anything anyone says to me with a grain of salt. I've never done things in life according to any one person's opinion. I've never been the norm. I've made it pretty far in my career because I took a lot of advice and made the best choices for me. I am on this forum to hear other people's advice.

 

 

Sweeping it under the rug? Her family knows, my family knows, my old work knew, the court system knew, she made sworn statements in court about her affair with him, and more. I keep open communication with her about it. When these thoughts pop in my head, I usually tell her. She listens. We work through it.

 

 

You call it defense mode, I call it trying to rebuild my life and move on. I can't change the past, so now I need to take the pieces and rebuild. I can find out the reasons why it happened, then make sure my wife and I fix the causal factors, then try to live the rest of our life together without issue.

 

 

Whether I am in denial or not, I would do anything for my wife or marriage, with the exception of going through this again. Life isn't easy and **** happens. People make mistakes. I don't want to keep reliving this because it isn't going to help me live my life the best way I can live it. I want to get rid of the negative energy and focus on the positive.

 

 

Before we moved, our marriage counselor and my own counselor said they were really surprised to see that I was able to cope so well with the affair. They both said that they wished all of the affair couples could work through it the way my wife and I were working through it. In the first post, I said we had something special, and I truly believe that. Most marriages don't survive infidelity. Ours is. We have a lot of healing left, don't get me wrong. We are going to make it.

 

 

Sorry if I reacted to your post a little strongly...I still welcome what you have to say. That's why I came here!

[SevenCity]

I think part of your being able to cope better with it was the fact that you were ok with them having sex. The leap of some posters claiming it is your fault I do not agree with. A threesome should be nothing more than a sex toy. Taking it to an emotional level is a complete betrayal.

 

I've never had a threesome, but have entertained the idea (though this story gives me pause). If I did / do go through I wouldn't want it to be with someone close. My friend and his wife did it with a close friend of theirs and there did not seem to be any ill effects.

 

I think you are taking the right outlook. If a woman did that to me I do not think I would ever be able to forget and it would eat me up inside. The fact that he turned out to be a psycho made her decision easier. How would it have turned out if he was joe cool?

 

What were her reasons for the affair?

[understand50]

Ha, yes, no more group sex! Obviously it didn't work for us. I take responsibility that the threesome idea was terrible. I know that it was a stupid, drunk, stupid decision. It doesn't give her permission for an affair.

 

 

I don't really agree with you about an open marriage. My wife and I agreed what was cheating and what was not. She moved it to an open marriage without my consent. She probably did think she had my permission, at some level, to justify what she was doing.

 

No we agree, I state, badly of course, that you moved to a "open" marriage and did not know it. I do think you do need to hold her responsible for her actions. She is one half of the affair, she could have said no. At some point, you will have to ask just how this happened, and why she let it.

 

This is needed for both of you, and will help in reconciliation, as I think you are working towards.

 

I wish you luck....

[Survivedtothriving]

I think part of your being able to cope better with it was the fact that you were ok with them having sex. The leap of some posters claiming it is your fault I do not agree with. A threesome should be nothing more than a sex toy. Taking it to an emotional level is a complete betrayal.

 

I've never had a threesome, but have entertained the idea (though this story gives me pause). If I did / do go through I wouldn't want it to be with someone close. My friend and his wife did it with a close friend of theirs and there did not seem to be any ill effects.

 

I think you are taking the right outlook. If a woman did that to me I do not think I would ever be able to forget and it would eat me up inside. The fact that he turned out to be a psycho made her decision easier. How would it have turned out if he was joe cool?

 

What were her reasons for the affair?

 

 

To be honest, their sex during the affair did hurt. I know the things they did. It was different than anything I'd ever done with my wife. We haven't tried those things that he did, but then again, I don't want to and she doesn't want to either. At the time she seemed to enjoy them, but now it seems that she is really turned off by the things he did.

 

I would not have a threesome. I would not recommend it to anyone to do that is married. If you are single and it's with people you aren't emotionally attached to, that's a different story.

 

 

He was Joe Cool until my wife broke it off with him for the last time. Then he showed us his true colors. It probably would have turned out the same. She only found out he was psycho after she ended it.

 

 

The reasons? The door for intimacy was wide open after the threesome. He was a womanizer. He claimed to have been with hundreds of woman. He made my wife feel very, very special. He boosted her self esteem to new heights. He knew everything to say. He planned the days they met in person at nice hotels. She was a stay at home mom and we were very into the groove of kids, events, this, that, and not each other. I drank a lot and focused on drinking instead of quality time with her. Instead of holding her I held a beer. At events at work I'd leave her with people she never met to go get drunk. She felt neglected and I didn't see it. She told me she wanted me to be more affectionate and to get help for drinking and I ignored her over and over.

 

 

Nothing mentioned above excuses her affair.

[Survivedtothriving]

No we agree, I state, badly of course, that you moved to a "open" marriage and did not know it. I do think you do need to hold her responsible for her actions. She is one half of the affair, she could have said no. At some point, you will have to ask just how this happened, and why she let it.

 

This is needed for both of you, and will help in reconciliation, as I think you are working towards.

 

I wish you luck....

 

Thanks.

 

 

I've probably told her 100 times in the past four months that all she had to do was no respond to his initial text and tell me.

 

 

My last post has the "how's". It was a culmination of a bunch of things all coming together at once.

[SevenCity]

To be honest, their sex during the affair did hurt. I know the things they did. It was different than anything I'd ever done with my wife. We haven't tried those things that he did, but then again, I don't want to and she doesn't want to either. At the time she seemed to enjoy them, but now it seems that she is really turned off by the things he did.

 

I would not have a threesome. I would not recommend it to anyone to do that is married. If you are single and it's with people you aren't emotionally attached to, that's a different story.

 

 

He was Joe Cool until my wife broke it off with him for the last time. Then he showed us his true colors. It probably would have turned out the same. She only found out he was psycho after she ended it.

 

 

The reasons? The door for intimacy was wide open after the threesome. He was a womanizer. He claimed to have been with hundreds of woman. He made my wife feel very, very special. He boosted her self esteem to new heights. He knew everything to say. He planned the days they met in person at nice hotels. She was a stay at home mom and we were very into the groove of kids, events, this, that, and not each other. I drank a lot and focused on drinking instead of quality time with her. Instead of holding her I held a beer. At events at work I'd leave her with people she never met to go get drunk. She felt neglected and I didn't see it. She told me she wanted me to be more affectionate and to get help for drinking and I ignored her over and over.

 

 

Nothing mentioned above excuses her affair.

 

As much as a jerk you may have been, it was her choice. Don't take the blame for this.

 

I give her credit for telling you what bothered her before. I didn't get that

[Survivedtothriving]

As much as a jerk you may have been, it was her choice. Don't take the blame for this.

 

I give her credit for telling you what bothered her before. I didn't get that

 

I'm sorry she was open to you. Are you still together?

 

 

I don't take the blame for this. I do however, understand why she did what she did. There is a difference. I've never said to her, "Your affair is my fault", nor do I believe that at all.

[WilyWill]

A threesome should be nothing more than a sex toy. Taking it to an emotional level is a complete betrayal.

 

In theory, this should be true. But in practice, sex and love are so closely connected that people cannot easily separate them. I believe disconnecting the two is especially hard for women.

 

If your wife looks at sex and love as closely connected, it was a mistake to give her away to another man. Once you did that, she probably felt like a form of chattel, possibly feeling that she lost your respect, and losing respect for herself. Along comes a KISA to make her feel whole and cherished again. This is one of the dangers with open marriages. I'm sure it works for some people, but you really need to make sure that both partners are ready. She might be hurting too.

[SevenCity]

I'm sorry she was open to you. Are you still together?

 

 

I don't take the blame for this. I do however, understand why she did what she did. There is a difference. I've never said to her, "Your affair is my fault", nor do I believe that at all.

 

My situation is different. I broke up with my girl of 7 years with basically no warning. Since then all this stuff she was hurt by came up. She never said a thing before. A lot of it was just not real (thinking I banged girls I didnt).

 

I'm in the mess of trying to mend. No cheating for either of us.

 

But my point is your wife at least told you how she was feeling.

[Survivedtothriving]

In theory, this should be true. But in practice, sex and love are so closely connected that people cannot easily separate them. I believe disconnecting the two is especially hard for women.

 

If your wife looks at sex and love as closely connected, it was a mistake to give her away to another man. Once you did that, she probably felt like a form of chattel, possibly feeling that she lost your respect, and losing respect for herself. Along comes a KISA to make her feel whole and cherished again. This is one of the dangers with open marriages. I'm sure it works for some people, but you really need to make sure that both partners are ready. She might be hurting too.

 

 

You are correct in most of what you are saying. She did feel a bit like I gave her away. It didn't help that he exaggerated my decision to have a threesome. He definitely fed off it and used it to win her over. I saw some of that in the emails he had sent. Basically, he had said, "how can he truly love you if he shared you with me"?

 

 

We have worked through the threesome, for the most part, and both agree we deeply regret it. But, she did agree to it and she could have said no. My wife and I equally share the responsibility for the threesome.

[road]

Any tips?

 

 

Beware of the anger phase. Many BS go through the anger phase at 6 months from D day. The anger phase can last up to 1 year from D day.

 

 

You have read every email/text between the OM and WW.

 

 

You have asked every question that you could think of.

 

 

At this point unless there is anything you need to know that you have not been told then it is time to stop talking about the affair. Revisiting the affair prevents the WS and the BS from healing.

 

 

It takes 2 to 5 years to recover from an affair. The main component for the healing is to let time do the healing.

 

 

Time allows the memories of the affair to fade. If the affair memories are not allowed to fade the healing will never take place.

 

 

Yes after D day, even when the BS knows everything they will trigger and their mind revisits the affair acts. Though as time goes by the triggers happen less and pass faster because the affair memory has been allowed to fade. To where triggers can happen years apart and last less then a minute. Talking about the affair once everything is known only keeps those memories fresh, triggering more then hardly ever, and keeping the BH feeling humiliated.

[mamabear32018]

Thanks for sharing your story. It's sounds like you've recognized where mistakes were made and are working on continuing to improve your marriage. Continuing with therapy should be helpful as well. I would imagine that healing is simply going to take time. Praying for your marriage!

[Survivedtothriving]

Any tips?

 

 

Beware of the anger phase. Many BS go through the anger phase at 6 months from D day. The anger phase can last up to 1 year from D day.

 

 

You have read every email/text between the OM and WW.

 

 

You have asked every question that you could think of.

 

 

At this point unless there is anything you need to know that you have not been told then it is time to stop talking about the affair. Revisiting the affair prevents the WS and the BS from healing.

 

 

It takes 2 to 5 years to recover from an affair. The main component for the healing is to let time do the healing.

 

 

Time allows the memories of the affair to fade. If the affair memories are not allowed to fade the healing will never take place.

 

 

Yes after D day, even when the BS knows everything they will trigger and their mind revisits the affair acts. Though as time goes by the triggers happen less and pass faster because the affair memory has been allowed to fade. To where triggers can happen years apart and last less then a minute. Talking about the affair once everything is known only keeps those memories fresh, triggering more then hardly ever, and keeping the BH feeling humiliated.

 

While we still have the emails saved (more for future use if we go back to court), I don't access them anymore. I put them inside a folder, inside another folder on my computer. I named the folder "history", so it doesn't trigger any memories.

 

 

Also, by moving, most of the memory triggers are gone. Now, its just the random thoughts and memories the keep popping in my head that I am trying to control.

 

 

I keep the question asking to a minimum. It helps to hear her answer the same way, which shows me she has been truthful in telling me the story. I know the longer I keep asking questions, the longer the memories stay alive.

 

 

And I hope I just skip the anger phase!!