am I justified to want another conversation with this man if I am going to meet him??

September 28, 2016

chumly I agree with the others, you do seem like a very sweet and lovely girl.

My only advice to you at this point is try putting yourself in the other person's shoes before sending messages like that.

Be aware of how others are perceiving your messages and actions.

Your intention was innocent enough, you wanted to show him you are cool, not clingy, open minded, etc.

That is not how he perceived it though. He perceived it as you have zero romantic interest in him, were friendzoning him, so he is moving on.

Or maybe he moved on before that as he sensed you had no romantic interest even before that message.... which is why he never responded to your first message.

You simply cannot force a friendship (if that is even what you want) on a man who has romantic interest.... or no interest.

Again, men are not on dating sites to make friends. They are on there to meet women to date and who want to date them.

Thanks for the kind words! Yes, I see that now. I held out for a little hope with him being open to friendship because is sounded like he met a woman from the site and just kayaked with her. He told me he had no romantic interest in her so I guess this is what made me think he was open to a non romantic relationship too so when it became clear that we were not compatible romantically (he actually told me that a few times) I assumed he was open to being friends with me since he was still willing to communicate with me. My thought was...why is he still wanting to communicate with me and meet me if he already told me he did not think we were compatible romantically. I assumed it was because he wanted to at least be friends with me and even though I still had romantic feelings for him I was ok with that.

I honestly wish I could go back to when he first started trying to talk to me and that I put it to an end then since there were so many signs right away that we were not compatible. I was just attracted to his pics and certain things he said so I let those feelings take over.

anyway, thanks for all the help. I know I will get passed this soon but I never expected things to end like this with him. I always imagined us being some kind of friends with each other at least.

Thanks

September 28, 2016

Thanks for the kind words! Yes, I see that now. I held out for a little hope with him being open to friendship because is sounded like he met a woman from the site and just kayaked with her. He told me he had no romantic interest in her so I guess this is what made me think he was open to a non romantic relationship too so when it became clear that we were not compatible romantically (he actually told me that a few times) I assumed he was open to being friends with me since he was still willing to communicate with me. My thought was...why is he still wanting to communicate with me and meet me if he already told me he did not think we were compatible romantically. I assumed it was because he wanted to at least be friends with me and even though I still had romantic feelings for him I was ok with that.
I honestly wish I could go back to when he first started trying to talk to me and that I put it to an end then since there were so many signs right away that we were not compatible. I was just attracted to his pics and certain things he said so I let those feelings take over.
anyway, thanks for all the help. I know I will get passed this soon but I never expected things to end like this with him. I always imagined us being some kind of friends with each other at least.
Thanks

Well it sounds like HE was sending you quite a few mixed messages too.

Or perhaps he was emulating you, who knows.

In any event, going forward, when encountering men who send mixed or double messages that confuse you, or throw you off....best to just walk away.

Otherwise **** like what happened here will occur, leaving you more confused, disappointed and hurt.

That said I am sorry this didn't work out since you liked him.

Maybe he WILL text you back and you can start over. No games. No pretending you are cool with something when you are really not. Okay?

Edited September 28, 2016 by katiegrl

September 28, 2016

Hi Girly!

So sorry I'm a bit late to respond

Remember when I said it might be best for you to take a break??? Otherwise you might continue to repeat the same patterns

Well I think thats whats happening here....you have yet to process your fear of rejection...what it is you want....where you want to go from here whether thats find new friends or actually date

So now, your stuck in the same place you were before

I know that its so tough to be on your own. I'm doing it now...but there are times when it really gets to me...But you know what??? If I dont allow myself to be on my own while going to therapy...I will never...ever...find what it is I truly want and need out of life

Sometimes we have to go through alot of pain and introspection to get to a happy/healthy place

I really...really...want you to think about taking a break from all this hun. Its not working...the reason its not working is because of you...not because these men reject you...or the fact that your using a dating site to meet friends, these are symptoms of the bigger problem which you need to address before you can move forward

I think the missteps your taking, like using a dating site to meet male friends, or the confusion your causing these men...are things your doing to protect yourself from getting hurt....you're keeping men at an arms length when all I think (please correct me if I'm wrong) you really want is to be loved and be in a relationship at some point

Pls get yourself into therapy girly. We can only help so much. You need more help than we can give you....and btw...theres nothing wrong with that. I need therapy (not just advice from LS) which is why I'm going to therapy and taking time to myself

You are the only person that can solve these problems...I emplore you to be proactive and do just that

We're always here for you (Including me ) But the solution lies within you...its just a matter of getting out of your comfort zone and doing the work

Oh! I think you mentioned you're moving??? Are you moving into your own place...without your ex??? If so...that would really help you along in this process...in fact I think you living with your ex might be the crux of the matter

Love ya girly! Sending lots of love and hugs!!!

Hi and thanks for the kind words! yes, I know that this is not working for me and I know that I need help with dealing with these feelings of rejection before I can enter into a relationship.

I know I need to enter into therapy. Sadly the living situation is getting worse for me. Me and my x are needing to now move in with my mom temporarily. He is losing his house so there really are much worse and pressing things going on in my life then this situation. ..I am surprised I am even thinking about this right now with everything that is going on around me and needing to find a new place to live. another words..this is probably one of the most difficult periods of my life right now but my disslike of rejection is so severe that I have spent the last hour talking about this man than concentrating on doing things regarding my living situation that i should be doing.

Anyway, maybe I should just realize that he is probably feeling just as rejected as myself or maybe even more as Katiegirl pointed out so I guess I need to see things from his perspective too.

Thanks so much Disillusionment for being your usual kind self and good luck with your situation. Sounds like you are doing some good soul searching and discovering of yourself. That is great and very inspiring! Thanks again.

September 28, 2016

unfortunately yes..it is him:sick:

Okay, thanks for clarifying.

I say this gently, as a fellow over-thinker and anxious dater: this particular relationship has run its course. It's time to, as much as humanly possible, let go of the hopes and expectations you placed on this man. I know that is much easier said than done. Time will help, as will placing your focus elsewhere. By that I mean, gently, staying off dating sites for a while and even posting less here about it, as this will only feed the rumination and obsession. You have received a wealth of sound and helpful advice in your threads, and I would only add that for me, staying busy is a key when I am struggling with anxiety and what I call "running the footage" (i.e., overthinking). I particularly recommend a change in scenery (leaving the house and computer--I favor coffee shops) and some sort of physical exercise (I practice yoga, which has the added benefit of emphasizing the present moment through deep breathing).

i relate to your fear of rejection & your tendency to spiral mentally. This morning, I received a text from the man I am dating that hurt my feelings because I felt slighted. Typically, I would fall down the rabbit hole of analysis paralysis and let my mood and morning be ruined. But today, I texted my therapist for her feedback and went on with my work. This may sound minor, but for me it's practically a revolution. I strongly encourage you to resume seeking a therapist; the right one can make a world of difference in helping you manage your emotions & learn new ways of thinking and reacting.

Lastly, you have mentioned several times that you struggle with OCD--is this something you have been diagnosed and/or treated for in the past?

Sending good thoughts,

Minneloa

September 28, 2016

Well it sounds like HE was sending you quite a few mixed messages too.

Or perhaps he was emulating you, who knows.

In any event, going forward, when encountering men who send mixed or double messages that confuse you, or throw you off....best to just walk away.

Otherwise **** like what happened here will occur, leaving you more confused, disappointed and hurt.

That said I am sorry this didn't work out since you liked him.

Maybe he WILL text you back and you can start over. No games. No pretending you are cool with something when you are really not. Okay?

Thanks again Katiegirl! You were actually more helpful to me with thread than you probably realize. I did not really see his side of things until you had me look at his angle on things. Thanks for doing so. It actually made me feel alot better.

Yes, he did give many mixed messages to me and I guess I did the same to him. I have a really strange need to make something good out of even the worst situations. Most people probably would have just moved on by now but I have a need to be friends with everyone who enters into my life...so I guess this is what brought me to this point with him. I hate letting go of anything even if it might not be very healthy for me.

Yes, I suppose as long as me and him are both still alive there is always hope that I may still hear back from him and maybe we can really start from scratch as real friends for each other...however, if he is not interested in that I have to believe that someone else more worthy will be.

Anyway, thanks Katiegirl again for all the help. it did help me to see things from his perspective more. Thanks again:)

September 28, 2016

Thanks again Katiegirl! You were actually more helpful to me with thread than you probably realize. I did not really see his side of things until you had me look at his angle on things. Thanks for doing so. It actually made me feel alot better.

Yes, he did give many mixed messages to me and I guess I did the same to him. I have a really strange need to make something good out of even the worst situations. Most people probably would have just moved on by now but I have a need to be friends with everyone who enters into my life...so I guess this is what brought me to this point with him. I hate letting go of anything even if it might not be very healthy for me.

Yes, I suppose as long as me and him are both still alive there is always hope that I may still hear back from him and maybe we can really start from scratch as real friends for each other...however, if he is not interested in that I have to believe that someone else more worthy will be.

Anyway, thanks Katiegirl again for all the help. it did help me to see things from his perspective more. Thanks again:)

You are very welcome my dear... I am glad I was able to help!

I hope you will listen to others as well... as I think everyone gave you some good and solid advice to take with you.

Best of luck on your journey to self-awareness and personal discovery.

((hugs))

September 28, 2016

Okay, thanks for clarifying.

I say this gently, as a fellow over-thinker and anxious dater: this particular relationship has run its course. It's time to, as much as humanly possible, let go of the hopes and expectations you placed on this man. I know that is much easier said than done. Time will help, as will placing your focus elsewhere. By that I mean, gently, staying off dating sites for a while and even posting less here about it, as this will only feed the rumination and obsession. You have received a wealth of sound and helpful advice in your threads, and I would only add that for me, staying busy is a key when I am struggling with anxiety and what I call "running the footage" (i.e., overthinking). I particularly recommend a change in scenery (leaving the house and computer--I favor coffee shops) and some sort of physical exercise (I practice yoga, which has the added benefit of emphasizing the present moment through deep breathing).

i relate to your fear of rejection & your tendency to spiral mentally. This morning, I received a text from the man I am dating that hurt my feelings because I felt slighted. Typically, I would fall down the rabbit hole of analysis paralysis and let my mood and morning be ruined. But today, I texted my therapist for her feedback and went on with my work. This may sound minor, but for me it's practically a revolution. I strongly encourage you to resume seeking a therapist; the right one can make a world of difference in helping you manage your emotions & learn new ways of thinking and reacting.

Lastly, you have mentioned several times that you struggle with OCD--is this something you have been diagnosed and/or treated for in the past?

Sending good thoughts,
Minneloa

Thanks! Great advice and I agree..I have gotten terrific advice on here. I am so greatful to have discovered this forum and all the wonderful help on here. it has been so very helpful!

Yes, I have full fledged OCD and I am sure this is playing a big part in things here. I have been diagnosed years ago by doctors.

I so agree that time will help and keeping occupied and this might be what is making matters worse...that I am in such a chaotic living situation right now that I am not finding much of an escape but I suppose like you said, I can try a coffee house or simply going for a drive.

Good for you for your revolution!!! I can relate to your feelings on the matter. I kind of felt really good about myself in the summer when I went to meet that man that lives 2 hours away! In fact, that was probably one of the highlights of my year believe it or not because I took a chance! and faced a fear! most people might laugh at such a thing being so big for me but it really was! Maybe i will just make myself remember that good feeling again when I start to feel bad about how things went with this man and like Katiegirl said, I cant force someone to like me or be friends with me if he does not for some reason, and I cant take that as a reflection of something being wrong with me. I have had far too many people tell me nice things about myself and want to be friends with me so I should just think of those people when I start to feel bad or rejected and also as Katiegirl said, maybe he is actually feeling rejected by me.

Anyway, thanks Minneloa, for some further terrific advice. I really appreciate it.

You and everyone else have really helped me feel better.

September 28, 2016

You are very welcome my dear... I am glad I was able to help!

I hope you will listen to others as well... as I think everyone gave you some good and solid advice to take with you.

Best of luck on your journey to self-awareness and personal discovery.

((hugs))

yes, I am planning on listening to not only your great advice but others as well! It was all so helpful! I even get the feeling if there were more going on in my life (like more friends, etc) I probably would not being giving this whole things as much energy as i have. I know I need to focus on the other areas of my life that need help.

Thanks again Katiegirl...I really appreciate it.

September 28, 2016

yes, I am planning on listening to not only your great advice but others as well! It was all so helpful! I even get the feeling if there were more going on in my life (like more friends, etc) I probably would not being giving this whole things as much energy as i have. I know I need to focus on the other areas of my life that need help.

Thanks again Katiegirl...I really appreciate it.

Heck who needs therapy when there is Loveshack? LOL

Again, glad I was able to help.

September 28, 2016

I am rooting for you, Chumly!

It was a *huge* deal for me to accept a date last spring, which to most people might seem ludicrous. But I am so glad I did! I have had so much fun with this man and have learned a lot about myself in the process. Like you said, I faced my fear! Much better than sitting in my apartment and feeling lonely/sorry for myself, which had become my default mode (I exaggerate a bit, but still).

I don't mean to pry, but are you on medication for your OCD? I ask because I am currently on Lexapro & it has helped me take the edge off my anxiety, as well as leveling out my mood. I know that there are many different opinions about psychiatric meds, and I certainly don't know which one might be helpful for your particular situation, but I view mine as a boost that allows me to participate more actively in my own wellbeing.

M.

September 30, 2016

katiegirl....lol, yes, I actually feel like the help I have gotten online from places like loveshack is a bit better than any therapist I have seen. It is so hard to find a good one sadly. thanks again:D

Minneloa...Thanks so much for your kind and encouraging words! I am rooting for you as well! That is so great that you were courageous enough to go on that date and got so much out of it...good for you! I kind of felt the same way when I went out with the man that lives 2 hours away..even though it did not work out between us in the end...I felt so great that I surpassed my fears and met him. Of course it helped that he did not reject me at the time. I so wish I did not have such an enormous fear of rejection like I do. I just have such difficulty not taking is personal...especially when it comes to dating. I so admire people (especially women) that can meet people from dating sites and not let the fear or rejection stop them. I really wonder how they do it so easily? I know others and maybe you, have suggested that practice and experience with that kind of thing helps.

To answer your other question...no, I am not currently on any medicine. I was on it years ago but got off because it was putting too much weight on me which was causing me to be more depressed. I have considered going back on a few times though. I would not completely rule it out, but I am not sure if I noticed it to have enough of an affect on me when I was on it as opposed to not. I am glad that you are getting alot out of the medicines that you are on. Thanks again:D

September 30, 2016

I did actually get a message back from him so I was very relieved. I will copy and paste the message I got from him and I will also post my response below that. ..

"Dr gave me a steroid shot to help clear up mu nasal problem and while not perfect, I have not used a spray injector for 3 days now so that is progress.

I deactivated my profile because I did meet someone and I want to give it all possible chances.

No reason not to write you. I may have felt I answered 2 for one or I missed it.

I hope all is well with you."

the following was my response back...

"Hi there,

Thanks for getting back to me. Glad to hear that the drs visit went ok and that you are getting better. That is always good news.

Congrats on the new relationship!! I hope it all works out. It is a good idea to have deactivated your Match account in that case. I would love to hear all about her if you ever have the chance.

I will be back in SC in early November. I am still very very good but non romantic friends with my x boyfriend...maybe we can go on a double date sometime when I get back. You would like him..everyone does.. It might be kind of fun;). I did a similar thing with a man from veggieconnection that I spoke to for so long but never had the chance to meet in person...I finally met him and his girlfriend about a month ago..we are all great friends. I think I told you about him.

Anyway, I know you are busy with your work and your new relationship so I will back off. I may just say hello every now and then if that is ok to do and of course you can feel free to say hello to me whenever you would like as well. I will also send you a copy of my last message to you just to make sure you got it...like I said, no rush to get back since I know you are probably very busy.

Good luck with everything and I hope you have a great week"

I thought I would try and be as positive and upbeat as I could in my response back. I hope I succeeded in doing so. I am not sure why...but I have a need to be friends with him..but I guess that is because I have a need to be friends with everyone I have ever known. I wont pursue things anymore though, as I already told him.

Anyway, I am very happy I heard from him. Thanks everyone for the helpful responses.

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