am I justified to want another conversation with this man if I am going to meet him??

[chumly]

Chumly, with love hun, all these protracted posts reminiscing and rehashing your RL, your feelings, your what ifs, etc. are keeping you STUCK, and preventing you from moving on.

 

It's good to write your feelings down for a little while, but after awhile you just gotta let it go. Pick yourself up, shake it off and carry on. Otherwise as I said, you remain stuck... which is where imo you are now.

 

Bordering on obsession even.

 

Force yourself to stop thinking about it, stop posting about it, get out, get busy, take up a new hobby, join meet ups, start responding to other posters in an attempt to help them!

 

In helping others, you help yourself too.

 

I have BTDT so I know.

 

I understand these on line interactions/relationships can be intense, and real feelings can develop..... but seriously girl, it's time to stop rehashing, let it go and start living your life again.

 

Wishing you the best as you stop looking back, and instead move forward!

 

thanks! I know you are right ..unfortunately for me I have OCD so that makes it so much more difficult to stop obsessing but I am definitely trying! I have not even checked messages from him since leaving the last message I posted here because I know I will feel bad if I did not hear from him and confused if I did. I also dont go on the dating site we met on. For some reason I feel really bad today.

 

I have been talking to a man in Indiana and I am hoping it will help and there are others that I have been communicating with too. I am planning on hanging out with a friend on Saturday too.

 

For some reason I feel really bad today and I am not sure why. I guess it is just the idea that he seems to want nothing to due with me. I did not think what I did was so bad like that and the fact that he has no feelings for me according to what he last said...and not even a feeling of friendship after all this time.

 

I work from home so this kind of makes things a bit tough for me. I am alone alot with my obsessive thoughts.

 

ok, thanks again for the advice. I am trying..today is just a bad day.

[chumly]

Versacehottie....you have been so helpful about all of this...a total angel in fact and I cant thankyou enough, and in particular because you seem to have a good understanding of this mans feelings on the matter.

 

I know you said you will probably not discuss this with me anymore but I figured that it could not hurt to ask... Just curious to know...do you think he was being a bit mean to me to say he wanted nothing more to do with me? or do you think he is justified to be that way to me? Just curious of your thoughts on the matter?? since you understand him so well??

 

I am having a bad day today. Thanks again for all the help:(

[chumly]

like I said, I have not checked the email address he has for me so I dont know if he ever tried to contact me back but for some reason I get the feeling he did not.

 

I think it hurts because I thought he was so anxious to meet me but if he was so ready to forget about me I guess he was not as interested in me as i thought:(

 

 

i wish i can take a pill and just forget about him.

[chumly]

Hi everyone...

 

Just wanted to update this thread to the latest development and possibly get some insight on this at the same time....I am particularly interested in hearing from Versacehotti, since I have found your posts extremely helpful to me so far and had alot to do with why I wound up apologizing to this man...so thanks so very much for being just so kind with sharing your knowledge...with me and everyone on this board. We are very lucky to have you:) but I am also interested in hearing from anybody that might be able to share some helpful advice with me.

 

 

Anyway, I went for over 2 weeks without checking emails from this man. However, one day last week I was having a really bad day and feeling particularly bad about myself so since I felt like I could not feel any worse I decided to check the email address that he has for me. I was very disappointed to find out that he never did message me back but at the same time I was also kind of suspicious that that would be the case since his last message to me indicated he really wanted nothing much to do with me at this point. So anyway, I broke down and sent him a message through the dating site that we met through. I simply said to him that I know he said he would be willing to be cordial with me and I told him that one of his best qualities is that he ALWAYS writes back to people that message him (this is very true about him and I really do feel that is a great quality that he has so I wanted to let him know that) so I therefore would like to know how he was doing. I said that I prayed that he would message me back and he did...It took me a day to summon the courage to read his message back since I was not sure if he was going to further reject me but surprisingly he really was cordial to me (just as he said he would be). He just told me how he was doing and about his work and he wanted to know how I was...but he did something a bit surprising at the end. He said that he would still like to meet me If I wanted to meet him. This part was quite a surprise. He ALWAYS wanted to meet me and tried in everyway to get together with me so under normal circumstances his invite to meet would have made sense, however, his last message to me indicated that he had no feelings for me...just indifference, it seemed as though he did not even have a feeling of friendship towards me and if you look back in my past post (where I posted his message to me) it seemed like the only reason he was being cordial with me is because I pushed the issue on him...so the question I have is why would he want to meet me at this point if he feels that way??

Anyway, I did message him back and thanked him for getting back to me. I also apologized for my last message to him where I was completely judgemental towards him..I thank Versacehotti, for helping me to see that I was wrong to do that to him. I told him that I was not in a position to judge him since I only knew him via phone calls and emails so I asked for his forgiveness. I also told him that I assumed his invite to meet me was his way of saying he forgave me or was trying to forgive me. I told him that I was very interested in being "active" friends with him and that I would like very much to make new friends (both male and female) and that I would like him to be one of them. I said that I think that just because we might not connect romantically that does not mean that we would not be good friends for each other. So in summary I told him that I was still interested in meeting him. However, the truth of the matter is the entire thing is so confusing to me now. I can not deny the fact that I still have sexual feelings for him. I believe in spite of this I can still be just friends with him but I am so confused on his intentions towards me at this point and I am still completely afraid that he might reject me upon meeting me even as a friend and I am not sure how well I would handle it...it will likely devastate me. On the other hand, the "what ifs" are coming back in my head..and I am thinking that maybe he could wind up being a great friend of mine if we met and Of course anybody can wind up rejecting me when I meet them so I know I have to get passed this fear I have of rejection like this but I think it is somehow more hurtful when more time has been invested in someone, as is the case with him...so rejection from him might be more painful than if it were someone else..so I guess the risks are more heavy with him.

 

Anyway, all this confusion has lead me to avoid opening his latest message to me through the dating site. He immediately messaged me back after I accepted his invitation to meet. His message has been sitting in my "Match" mailbox unopened since last week. In fact, I have not even visited the site since that time either and the reason for this is because I dont want to offend him by opening his message and not getting back to him, I am avoiding the site right now for the very same reasons, I dont want to offend him into thinking that I am deliberately ignoring him.... even though I am..I figured by the time I respond back I can just make up an excuse about not being able to get into the site or something. I am assuming that his message back to me was likely to set up a time to meet me and since I am so confused about all of this I am not sure how I will respond now so like I said, I am just holding off on reading his message for now. Of course, his response back to me might help shed some light on his intentions behind meeting me ..I guess I am also a bit afraid to open his message to me as well in case it is not what I want to hear.

 

In the meantime...I wonder if anybody on here might have some ideas on why he would want to meet now with all things considered??..I am particularly interested in getting some thoughts from Versacehottie, since you seem to have a real insight to this mans way of thinking. Why do you suppose he would want to meet me at this point with everything he has said to me in his prior emails?? For me I usually meet people for 1 of 2 reasons..either I am interested in them romantically or I am interested in them to be friends. I am assuming others think like me in this regard but perhaps they do not. Do you think his wanting to meet me indicates that he has an interest in me romantically or as a friend at this point? or do you think it is just a curiosity thing for him at this point?? Meeting me out of sheer curiosity is the one I am most bothered by and fear the most since it usually is motivated by lack of real feelings. At this point..I cant deny that I have feelings for him..most of them are sexual but I do also have friendly feelings towards him too...I naturally develop these kinds of feeling when I share so much with someone as I have with him, I guess this is my personality and the way I operate. If I met him it would be with the intention of hanging out with him other times too and being "real" friends with him. ..but are these his intentions with me??

 

I guess I dont really have the right personality for online dating. Finding people that think as I do is kind of like finding a needle in a haystack. I realize for alot of people in the dating world take the "all" or "nothing" approach. They either want a romantic relationship or nothing at all. I am different in that I want the inbetween frienship part too if it does not work out romantically. I know I can find others that think this way , it is not impossible because I have met such people so I know it can be done. I just cant figure out if he is one of those "all" or "nothing" people. Certain things indicate he is but then certain things indicate he is not.

 

Anyway, any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much in advance.

 

PS...I will share the message I sent to him in response to his message asking me to meet him just in case anybody is interested in reading it. Thanks again

[chumly]

this is a copy of my last message to him where I apologized to him and told him that I would be interested in being friends with him....

 

"Hi there,

 

At this point I was not sure if you would even message me back. Thanks for doing so:) I am hoping that you being interested in still meeting me means that you really did forgive me or maybe you are trying to forgive me for the long message that I left for you...most of which I realize now I was out of line to say to you since I really dont know you...I only know you via emails and phone calls which is really not enough for me to make judgements on someone like I did to you ( I actually should not judge anybody anyway, only God can do that)...so I guess what I am saying is that I am really sorry for all of that and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Even though we might not be compatible romantically I think we might be compatible as friends. That might be why we had good conversations when we first started talking..I think we might have good conversation chemistry (as much as I hate to use that word), which usually indicates that we might make good friends for each other. I know that is not exactly what you are looking for on Match but while you wait for Mrs. Right or just bring her along if you already have, and we can all be friends together. I would like to meet you as a friend and be "active" friends that do activities together such as attend "meetups" together and maybe I can go kayaking with you. I guess I am a little bit curious to try that now. Do you still go with that lady Karen?...so yes, I would like to put all of this weirdness behind us and I would still like to meet you. My goal right now is to make new friends (both male and female) and I would like you to be one of them if you are open to that.

 

Anyway, it sounds like you are still working hard. How is your breathing issue? How are your parents? Nothing much new with me other than the fact that the Academy Sports job did not work out after all that training! and I wont get paid for all that either. Oh well, I guess that is life..I am just concentrating on my sales job and doing better with it all the time. I just won $100 the other day for selling something that I dont ever remember now...lol:) So thankfully I still have that job. I am going to my moms tonight for a few days but anyway thanks again for getting back to me and being so forgiving.

 

 

 

PS...sorry for all the typos and the poorly put together message. I hope it made sense..lol:)"

[Versacehottie]

Hi everyone.

 

Well first of all I don't think you are doing yourself any favors by "avoiding" the messages he sends. Basically you are turning a message into a very frightening thing and giving it more power and taking power away from yourself. You are also building things up around it in the meantime to a huge level. it's not really healthy for you you nor does it move you closer to your goals in life. Secondly, in the spirit in which you reached out to him under the guise of friendship and being cordial, which he honored, you have now blown him off!!! Basically. You are sending tremendously mixed signals and it's really unfair. Each time you do something like this you are chipping away at any good feelings he has about you.

 

Thanks for all the nice things you said about me. I'm going to be honest though. I was overwhelmed by your message. The quantity of overthinking (which happens on this site a lot and i'm not immune myself) was a new level!!! Sorry I don't want you to feel bad. I guess I'm just trying to say WHY are you trying to figure out every meaning of every nuance. I would say you are doing it so you can avoid meeting up with him or moving forward in your life (with whoever). Avoiding looking at the emails or meeting up with him won't take away the potential for hurt. In fact, you are likely bringing a lot of it onto yourself. And may be sabotaging the very thing you want. You need to tell yourself that you WON'T be devastated if he just wants to be friends or dating you is out of the picture. You will survive and happily.

 

I think he may want to meet you because you backed off some, which gave him time and space from your last dramatic interactions (negative ones). Also he may mean exactly what he said: that he is fine being friends. He may just want to "see" what can be, after all he has investment too, like you do. I wouldn't worry too much about his intentions. You wanted contact with him, presumably to keep him in your life and have a chance with him that you blew before. You have been offered this chance--take it. It's that simple.

 

The "risks" are not more heavy with him. You have built him up and the false/fantasy relationship so much in your head that is what is the biggest risk that you are trying to protect. I will keep coming back to the same thing: you need to live you life in order to not build stuff up in your head so much. It will both invigorate you and make you more relaxed. This stuff is just causing tons of anxiety in you. I'm not a therapist and I think you mentioned that you suffer from OCD--I think some of this seems to be falling into that category. I don't know if you go to a therapist but I think it would be good for you to go. This feels really overblown. I hope I'm not overstepping in saying that. Some of this is out of the scope of what people here can help with, I'm afraid and I want you to have a good life that is the one you want. I don't think, no I'm sure, that answering all the questions that are raised in your head will not bring you closer to those goals. If you look at your recent history, trying to answer the "what ifs" all the time in your head PREVENTS you from getting what you want.

 

Anyway, I think he is open to whichever possibility (friends or romance). Probably still romance--well at least last week. All this stalling is exactly on his end why you started to fall out in the first place--don't forget that. You are not being fair to him to avoid that message. The push/pull is absolutely annoying and neurotic. I know he has his issues but you are really getting up there with this stuff (from his POV). Sure he could be curious--to see if you would make a good dating prospect for him or a friend. Doubt he is going to waste time or effort for anything else. You already have wasted a lot of his time.

 

Personally, I think online is not the best for you. I think it doesn't suit your personality, your time frame, the approach you have, the type you need and you need a tougher skin for it. I think you have a tendency to mislead guys and the kind you need ARE a real needle in a haystack. Similar interests seems to be really important to you and you need time to feel safe enough with someone to give them ANY sort of chance. I think that's best done through friends or common interest sort of group.

 

"Certain things indicate he is but then certain things indicate he is not." The SAME exact thing could be said about you. If you met him on match, I think your biggest assumption has to be that he is looking to date or a romantic type companionship. Everything else is secondary. If he just wants to be a friend, that's what you SAY you want and would be fine with. If you are worried he will try to use you physically, you just have to protect yourself from that. I would normally say by moving slower. But sweetie, you really couldn't move slower than you are already.

 

Just open the message and go from there. It was a week ago so it may not even be relevant anymore since his feelings could have changed and whatever invite he proposed could have passed. You need to engage with your REAL life. And that was it. Don't let moments pass you by. Good luck

[Versacehottie]

this is a copy of my last message to him where I apologized to him and told him that I would be interested in being friends with him....

 

"Hi there,

 

At this point I was not sure if you would even message me back. Thanks for doing so:) I am hoping that you being interested in still meeting me means that you really did forgive me or maybe you are trying to forgive me for the long message that I left for you...most of which I realize now I was out of line to say to you since I really dont know you...I only know you via emails and phone calls which is really not enough for me to make judgements on someone like I did to you ( I actually should not judge anybody anyway, only God can do that)...so I guess what I am saying is that I am really sorry for all of that and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Even though we might not be compatible romantically I think we might be compatible as friends. That might be why we had good conversations when we first started talking..I think we might have good conversation chemistry (as much as I hate to use that word), which usually indicates that we might make good friends for each other. I know that is not exactly what you are looking for on Match but while you wait for Mrs. Right or just bring her along if you already have, and we can all be friends together. I would like to meet you as a friend and be "active" friends that do activities together such as attend "meetups" together and maybe I can go kayaking with you. I guess I am a little bit curious to try that now. Do you still go with that lady Karen?...so yes, I would like to put all of this weirdness behind us and I would still like to meet you. My goal right now is to make new friends (both male and female) and I would like you to be one of them if you are open to that.

 

Anyway, it sounds like you are still working hard. How is your breathing issue? How are your parents? Nothing much new with me other than the fact that the Academy Sports job did not work out after all that training! and I wont get paid for all that either. Oh well, I guess that is life..I am just concentrating on my sales job and doing better with it all the time. I just won $100 the other day for selling something that I dont ever remember now...lol:) So thankfully I still have that job. I am going to my moms tonight for a few days but anyway thanks again for getting back to me and being so forgiving.

 

 

 

PS...sorry for all the typos and the poorly put together message. I hope it made sense..lol:)"

 

Ok some of it was ok. My big critique would be that you need to speak from a confident place even in an apology. You were over-apologizing and being a bit neurotic about everything. You did sound easy-going in some ways and positive in nature, both of which are attractive qualities. Anyway, he likes you and you've spoken with him before via messaging and on the phone, so safe to say he's ok with a certain level of the things that in general i don't think will go over well with every guy/most guys. More confidence. No overapologizing.

[CarrieT]

Why would you want to be "good friends" with someone who is "indifferent" towards you?

 

What possible benefit could there be to expend so much energy towards a person who has expressed apathy?

[chumly]

I forgot to mention one more thing... I did tell him a couple of times that people liked me better in everyway when they met me...maybe I should not have told him that because now I am wondering if this piqued his curiosity and might lend more to the idea that he wants to meet me to satisfy his curiosity about me and maybe even just see if i look the same in real life as I do in my pics.

 

Versacehottie....Thanks so much for taking the time out once again and helping again;). I guess the reason that I did not open his message yet is because I simply have no idea on what I should do.His offer to meet me was quite unexpected at this point. It somehow seems more rude to open his message and not respond or respond half heartedly and in a wishy washy manor since he will be able to see that I opened it (this is a feature that the dating site has). It almost seems more polite to not open it at all and not even visit the site at all so this way maybe he will think that something has kept me away from going to the site too and he would hopefully not take it so personal. I dont know if any of this makes any sense.

 

I am torn on what to do regarding meeting him not only due to my complete fear of rejection but because I have gotten feedback from not only my xboyfriend but also my mom at this point that they think something is wrong with him and that meeting him will be a mistake on my part. I know that I am no angel too and I am sure people would describe me as having something wrong with me too...so I guess 2 wrongs dont make a right...but on the other hand I cant help but wonder if there might be a chance that him and I can somehow be friends if we met and maybe even good friends. He was at one point friends with a lady that he claimed he was not attracted to, although he originally said something quite different..and they kayaked together. I even asked him about her in his email..when I asked about the lady Karen. Maybe he would be someone I can take a hike with once and a while or just grab a coffee with sometimes. I would really like something like that with someone but on the other hand I keep thinking about the warning that my mom has given me about him. ..so the whole thing has become completely confusing. I am also thinking that since I made a point to tell him that I would be meeting his as "friends only", as I pointed out in the above message I left for him... that he will hopefully be ok with the fact that I have not gotten back to him yet. Maybe this will help further dilute any unrealistic expectations that he might have about me and further drive home the point that I want to only meet him as friends. I admit I like him for more than a friend (sexually) but only want to meet him as a friend.,,if that makes any sense. If we ever meet I want him to have literally no expectations of me other than to hopefully be friends.

 

Yes, I will admit i fantasize about him and he has caused me to do this with the way he was to me. i also probably caused him to do this as well but the drive towards romance with him came from him and not me. I only had interest in him as a friend originally...he was the one that pursued me non stop and admitted to becoming infactuated with me based on my pics (which I dont think were even that great..but he somehow built some dream up in his head based on theml).

 

I had no idea that he would offer to meet me when I messaged him last week..especially after he told me he felt indifferent towards me. I have not responded further because i just have no idea what to do. :confused:

 

Versacehottie, you are right..i dont have the right personality for online dating and I am going to start going to meetups more and things like that but I will keep my dating profile up in the meantime ...maybe I will somehow become more tough and be able to deal with possible rejection better or maybe I will meet that needle in the haystack..my attitude is...why not keep all options open for myself. In the meantime, I guess I will have to think long and hard if this man is worth meeting at this point (as long as he still wants to).Versacehottie, with everything I have told you about him and what you know of myself..do you think I should meet him at this point in your personal opinion? anyway, thanks again for all your wonderful help and by the way, I am looking into getting professional help. I know that I need it.

 

CarrieT....Thanks for the response. I guess I want to be friends with him because i kind of feel like his feelings of indifference is based on the way things went towards us..it is not based on really knowing me as a person. We have both shared alot of information about ourselves with each other and I think there is potential for friendship between us for that reason. I also have a "need" to be friends with everyone I ever know. It may not be healthy but I need to have everyone like me. I cant really deal with thinking someone feels less than something positive for me especially after spending so much time getting to know someone.

 

Versacehottie...I forgot to thankyou for the very helpful critique on my message to him. I am glad that you thought there was positive and attractive elements to it. :)That made me feel really good to hear that..so thanks! and thanks once again for being your usual helpful self!!! I know I have alot of work to do on myself and alot of thinking to do on this and how I approach these situations with others. thanks so much again;)

Edited August 30, 2016 by chumly

[chumly]

Versacehottie....just wanted to let you know...I did reread your response to me again..it truly was very very helpful!! Thanks so much!! I tend to need to read things several times before the message behind it kicks in and I think it has..you offered me tremendous and well needed advice here..and to be honest, probably better than any professional would offer me but like I said, I will continue to pursue getting professional help and I just wanted to thankyou once again.

 

I also wanted to clarify that although i was unsure of his intentions regarding meeting me..I am hoping that my message back to him made it clear that I only wanted to meet him as an "active" friend at this point. I truly hope my message made this very clear to him. Believe it or not, my fear now is that he will reject me as a friend and perhaps wont really want to be friends with me if he is not attracted to my physically or in some other way.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to explain that part to you and thanks again for the very nice and helpful message. I will keep you and everyone else updated on things.

[Versacehottie]

I'm glad you found some benefit in my reply.

 

I'm going to make this one short: Yes you should go meet him and you should stop thinking it to death.

 

Right now what you are doing to him IS THE definition of wishy-washy (and it's not good). For yourself and only for yourself, no more wishy-washy-ness. You can handle whatever life throws at you. You don't need my advice, your mom's or your ex-bf's, just live your life. Open the email. Go from there regarding this situation. Good luck

[chumly]

I'm glad you found some benefit in my reply.

 

I'm going to make this one short: Yes you should go meet him and you should stop thinking it to death.

 

Right now what you are doing to him IS THE definition of wishy-washy (and it's not good). For yourself and only for yourself, no more wishy-washy-ness. You can handle whatever life throws at you. You don't need my advice, your mom's or your ex-bf's, just live your life. Open the email. Go from there regarding this situation. Good luck

 

Thanks so much Versacehottie, for your response to this. I really appreciate your insight on it and your thoughts on it. Thanks again;)

[randall]

I just skimmed this thread and the last few posts amaze me.

 

This might be hard to hear, but you're being very unfair. He told you a while ago that he was ready for the two of you to end things as it was better for his and your peace mind. But you kept contacting him.

 

Looking at your original posts it seems one of the reasons he got put off was because you kept delaying meeting him. He's now asked to meet again and instead of replying right away you've left him hanging for a week with no reply.

 

You've only talked briefly to this person for a couple of months and have let it consume your life. You should step back and take a break unless you are serious about him, in which case refusing to open his mail for a week is doing nothing but hurting yourself and him.

[angel.eyes]

You're playing games. Either meet him or leave him alone. Stop boomeranging into his life if you have no intention of actually meeting him. He's not on a dating site to make "great friends."

[katiegrl]

chumly -- with respect girl, it's time to stop the obsessing. It's out of control.

 

Put on your big girl panties, open and read his email, and respond to him like a grown up.

 

Come on now, this is silly. You are an adult.

 

And seriously, you haven't even met the guy!! And you're talking about still being 'sexually' attracted to him?

 

What's that about?

 

You have allowed yourself to get all caught up in a great big fantasy, just meet him for chrissakes and stop this nonsense.

[chumly]

Hi Randall, thanks for the response. I actually talked much more then briefly with him. I did not respond to him because I did not expect him to ask to meet me after our last conversation. that was clear out of nowhere...in his last message he seemed to barely want to be cordial with me.

 

I have not responded because I am unsure if I want to meet him or even when I would be able to meet him. I was simply just saying hello to him. I gave him a basic message back saying that I would meet him but did not follow through with his response because , like I said, I am not sure if and when i would want to meet him at this point. he kind of threw that invite at me out of nowhere. He should not be too offended that I did not respond back since he should be able to see that i have not been on the site in a while and have made it clear that we would be meeting as friends only at this point. I have a busy schedule for the next week so i am not sure when I would be able to meet him either.

 

thanks for the response

Edited August 30, 2016 by chumly

[chumly]

angel.eyes...I appreciate the response but even though it is a dating site i have made it very clear to him that I am personally only looking for friends..he tried to sway me differently with that and I went with that with him for a little while but now i once again made it clear that i only want to be friends with him. I simply said hello to him..I dont see how saying hello is boomeranging out of his life in all honesty!!! I say hello to many people..that does not mean I want to marry them and have their kids..lol

[chumly]

I guess the reason why I am so back and forth about the whole thing is because I truly am feeling back and forth about meeting him. He kind of put me on the spot with his invitation to meet me so that is why I sent him the message that I did..but after talking more with my mom and my x boyfriend and having them tell me that they think there is something wrong with him (I did get into more details about his behavior with them...so they have a bit more info to go by), and this is what has lead me to feeling very confused about meeting him. I am also admittedly obsessed with him so I am not sure if this is a good frame of mind to meet someone in.

 

so even though I messaged him I did not expect him to want to meet and was unsure on how to respond so that is why I sent him the message back saying that I would meet but did not follow through....because I truly am indecisive about the entire thing and not sure if I am mentally ready to meet him at this point..I really just wanted to say hello to him and find out what is new..that was all I had intended to do.

[chumly]

also wanted to add....wouldnt anybody on here feel indecisive about meeting someone when 2 close loved ones (my x boyfriend and now my mom) actually warn you against meeting someone???

 

They are both saying that I am blind to the truth of his behavior and that his behavior towards me has been extremely strange and that I am not seeing it due to my obsession with him that he brought on himself. They are saying something is very odd about him and my x boyfriend thinks there is even a potential for him to be dangerous too.

 

They have both WARNED me strongly that they do not get a good feeling about him at all and this is based on lots of detailed information that I did not have time to reveal here. They are saying that my OCD has got the better of me and I am not seeing him for who he is.

 

Just wanted to explain a bit more about why I am so indecisive about it. I honestly dont know what to think at this point.

[Dis]

I guess the reason why I am so back and forth about the whole thing is because I truly am feeling back and forth about meeting him. He kind of put me on the spot with his invitation to meet me so that is why I sent him the message that I did..but after talking more with my mom and my x boyfriend and having them tell me that they think there is something wrong with him (I did get into more details about his behavior with them...so they have a bit more info to go by), and this is what has lead me to feeling very confused about meeting him. I am also admittedly obsessed with him so I am not sure if this is a good frame of mind to meet someone in.

 

so even though I messaged him I did not expect him to want to meet and was unsure on how to respond so that is why I sent him the message back saying that I would meet but did not follow through....because I truly am indecisive about the entire thing and not sure if I am mentally ready to meet him at this point..I really just wanted to say hello to him and find out what is new..that was all I had intended to do.

 

Hi girly!!!

 

Seems like this has all been spun into a big mess. I think you should let this one go....whatever was between you two has been tainted and too much damage has been done considering you two havent met yet

 

You seem to be pretty reticent to meet men....even just as friends. Maybe thats just your intuition telling you you're not ready. Take a step back...try to get to the bottom of your fears about meeting these guys. Be honest with yourself. Its time for you to do some soul searching. I know it might be hard to do that but I think you need to figure all this out before you can move forward...I'm afraid if you dont...the same things will keep happening

 

I'm kind of in a similar boat...I've had a h*llish year of dating...its been really hard on me. I'm in therapy now...I need to figure out where I went wrong this past year. What my part in this whole mess was. Sometimes when I'm alone in my house at night...I cant stand the thought of being single. But during the day I am reminded that the right guy is out there...its just not my time to meet him yet...and I'm ok with that because I need to work on myself before I can have a great relationship...I'm looking forward to the future....I know the best has yet to come....I want you to have that same hope for yourself

 

Once you have evaluated everything....and have taken time to yourself....may I suggest you refrain from using dating sites to meet new male friends? Even if you say you're just looking for friends in your profile....its not going to pan out the way you want it to. Dating sites are for dating/hook ups....not friendships

 

I can sense your head is spinning alittle....you're overthinking (I do it all the time too)...you're obsessing....you're picking apart every little detail....

 

Its time to just stop and breathe hun

 

Let this guy go....and try to clear your mind. Pls dont beat yourself up...we all make mistakes...its what you do from here on out that really matters

 

Sending lots of love and hugs!!! :bunny:

[Versacehottie]

Hi girly!!!

 

Seems like this has all been spun into a big mess. I think you should let this one go....whatever was between you two has been tainted and too much damage has been done considering you two havent met yet

 

You seem to be pretty reticent to meet men....even just as friends. Maybe thats just your intuition telling you you're not ready. Take a step back...try to get to the bottom of your fears about meeting these guys. Be honest with yourself. Its time for you to do some soul searching. I know it might be hard to do that but I think you need to figure all this out before you can move forward...I'm afraid if you dont...the same things will keep happening

 

I'm kind of in a similar boat...I've had a h*llish year of dating...its been really hard on me. I'm in therapy now...I need to figure out where I went wrong this past year. What my part in this whole mess was. Sometimes when I'm alone in my house at night...I cant stand the thought of being single. But during the day I am reminded that the right guy is out there...its just not my time to meet him yet...and I'm ok with that because I need to work on myself before I can have a great relationship...I'm looking forward to the future....I know the best has yet to come....I want you to have that same hope for yourself

 

Once you have evaluated everything....and have taken time to yourself....may I suggest you refrain from using dating sites to meet new male friends? Even if you say you're just looking for friends in your profile....its not going to pan out the way you want it to. Dating sites are for dating/hook ups....not friendships

 

I can sense your head is spinning alittle....you're overthinking (I do it all the time too)...you're obsessing....you're picking apart every little detail....

 

Its time to just stop and breathe hun

 

Let this guy go....and try to clear your mind. Pls dont beat yourself up...we all make mistakes...its what you do from here on out that really matters

 

Sending lots of love and hugs!!! :bunny:

 

Great advice!

[Versacehottie]

also wanted to add....wouldnt anybody on here feel indecisive about meeting someone when 2 close loved ones (my x boyfriend and now my mom) actually warn you against meeting someone???

 

They are both saying that I am blind to the truth of his behavior and that his behavior towards me has been extremely strange and that I am not seeing it due to my obsession with him that he brought on himself. They are saying something is very odd about him and my x boyfriend thinks there is even a potential for him to be dangerous too.

 

They have both WARNED me strongly that they do not get a good feeling about him at all and this is based on lots of detailed information that I did not have time to reveal here. They are saying that my OCD has got the better of me and I am not seeing him for who he is.

 

Just wanted to explain a bit more about why I am so indecisive about it. I honestly dont know what to think at this point.

 

The thing is that the DECISION is in your lap now. You've got info from him, you've got advice from two people close to you and us, now it's on you to decide. Not drag him through your indecision. You ARE boomeranging in and out of his life. What did you expect when you asked him if he would be cordial with you and if you could be active friends???? To STILL keep him in a holding pattern where you don't know if you even want to do that? It's actually you that is being unreasonable at this point--you either want to move forward with him in your life in some way or have to let it go--really let it go. You are further complicating it by having met him on a dating site--not fair of you to change the "rules" and say you just want "friends" from the dating site. People will interpret that as "go slow in dating" compare to others on there but being on there implies there is a dating chance. FURTHER COMPLICATED by the fact that IS what you actually want from him (in some really indecisive, complicated, all on your terms way).

 

This has no bearing on whether or not he is a good guy. He could suck; he could be great. You are dragging yourself through all this indecision. Decide are you in or are you out?

 

I agree with Dis that it's not the right time for you to be dating or even making new friends. I think your issues are overwhelming EVERYTHING else. If this is what every new guy or new friend needs to go through in order to make a connection with you, you may continually bump into rejections and challenges because it's YOU that is not really open. The biggest part that makes me think it's not the right time for you to do any of this, is that you don't even seem to realize what extreme indecision and obsessiveness you are going through and that there is any problem with it as it relates to dragging others through it. It's almost like trying might set you up for failure. Self-sabotage. I think it's important to encourage you to take risks in friendship and dating. That's what you need. HOWEVER, each step with any new friend/potential date cannot have this MUCH discussion, there's no way to take you from A to Z with this when you are struggling this much with A to B!!! Correction from A to A.1. There are many decisions and steps you will need to take to build a friendship and you are struggling this much with just the very first step. I think you need to pull back and work on yourself, which is the right thing to do when you ALSO have no time and a complicated living situation. Sort those out first. Seriously work on yourself. Another person in your life under your current conditions may just worsen things rather than bring you the happiness you want. Good luck as always

[Dis]

Great advice!

 

Thats a big compliment coming from you Versacehottie, thanks!

[Versacehottie]

Thats a big compliment coming from you Versacehottie, thanks!

 

haha. sweet:bunny:

[chumly]

Hi girly!!!

 

Seems like this has all been spun into a big mess. I think you should let this one go....whatever was between you two has been tainted and too much damage has been done considering you two havent met yet

 

You seem to be pretty reticent to meet men....even just as friends. Maybe thats just your intuition telling you you're not ready. Take a step back...try to get to the bottom of your fears about meeting these guys. Be honest with yourself. Its time for you to do some soul searching. I know it might be hard to do that but I think you need to figure all this out before you can move forward...I'm afraid if you dont...the same things will keep happening

 

I'm kind of in a similar boat...I've had a h*llish year of dating...its been really hard on me. I'm in therapy now...I need to figure out where I went wrong this past year. What my part in this whole mess was. Sometimes when I'm alone in my house at night...I cant stand the thought of being single. But during the day I am reminded that the right guy is out there...its just not my time to meet him yet...and I'm ok with that because I need to work on myself before I can have a great relationship...I'm looking forward to the future....I know the best has yet to come....I want you to have that same hope for yourself

 

Once you have evaluated everything....and have taken time to yourself....may I suggest you refrain from using dating sites to meet new male friends? Even if you say you're just looking for friends in your profile....its not going to pan out the way you want it to. Dating sites are for dating/hook ups....not friendships

 

I can sense your head is spinning alittle....you're overthinking (I do it all the time too)...you're obsessing....you're picking apart every little detail....

 

Its time to just stop and breathe hun

 

Let this guy go....and try to clear your mind. Pls dont beat yourself up...we all make mistakes...its what you do from here on out that really matters

 

Sending lots of love and hugs!!! :bunny:

 

thanks for this and yes, this is great advice!! thanks for also being so nice about it too. I really dont feel very good about this situation at all and really dont mean to be playing games with him like this.

 

Yes, I know that I need to work on myself too and I wish you luck with your situation too and I will certainly work on mine at the same time. Thanks once again for being so sweet!