am I justified to want another conversation with this man if I am going to meet him??

August 31, 2016

The thing is that the DECISION is in your lap now. You've got info from him, you've got advice from two people close to you and us, now it's on you to decide. Not drag him through your indecision. You ARE boomeranging in and out of his life. What did you expect when you asked him if he would be cordial with you and if you could be active friends???? To STILL keep him in a holding pattern where you don't know if you even want to do that? It's actually you that is being unreasonable at this point--you either want to move forward with him in your life in some way or have to let it go--really let it go. You are further complicating it by having met him on a dating site--not fair of you to change the "rules" and say you just want "friends" from the dating site. People will interpret that as "go slow in dating" compare to others on there but being on there implies there is a dating chance. FURTHER COMPLICATED by the fact that IS what you actually want from him (in some really indecisive, complicated, all on your terms way).

This has no bearing on whether or not he is a good guy. He could suck; he could be great. You are dragging yourself through all this indecision. Decide are you in or are you out?

I agree with Dis that it's not the right time for you to be dating or even making new friends. I think your issues are overwhelming EVERYTHING else. If this is what every new guy or new friend needs to go through in order to make a connection with you, you may continually bump into rejections and challenges because it's YOU that is not really open. The biggest part that makes me think it's not the right time for you to do any of this, is that you don't even seem to realize what extreme indecision and obsessiveness you are going through and that there is any problem with it as it relates to dragging others through it. It's almost like trying might set you up for failure. Self-sabotage. I think it's important to encourage you to take risks in friendship and dating. That's what you need. HOWEVER, each step with any new friend/potential date cannot have this MUCH discussion, there's no way to take you from A to Z with this when you are struggling this much with A to B!!! Correction from A to A.1. There are many decisions and steps you will need to take to build a friendship and you are struggling this much with just the very first step. I think you need to pull back and work on yourself, which is the right thing to do when you ALSO have no time and a complicated living situation. Sort those out first. Seriously work on yourself. Another person in your life under your current conditions may just worsen things rather than bring you the happiness you want. Good luck as always

Thanks again for more much needed and great advice Versacehottie,:) It is not easy to hear but I know you are right. I do feel very badly for how I have been treating this man and I honestly did not mean to do that to him. When I messaged him about being active friends I meant it and I still would like that but I keep thinking about what my mom and my x boyfriend has said to me and the advice from my mom came after I already sent him that message. Their advice has caused me to second guess all my feelings for him and now have me wondering if even the idea of being active friends with him is even a realistic one...or just part of a fantasy I have about him in my mind, but then other times I think that maybe they are the ones who are wrong and giving bad advice ( they both have their share of personal issues)...I guess you can see how my mind works with this..so yes, I am completely confused about the whole thing. I guess the way I feel is that i want to meet him and be friends with him but maybe not right now...maybe I can rethink the whole thing after I seek therapy or have more experience with meeting people if I decide to take that route...and of course I also probably need to break my obsession with him too...so I actually meant that I wanted to be cordial with him right now but active friends at a later date when I am ready emotionally...if that makes sense.

I guess the reason I continue with the dating sites is due to the fact that i have had some luck even with my approach..in fact my x boyfriend was someone I met from a dating site and we dated for about 12 years and then there is the man that lives 2 hours away. I met him through a dating site as well, but it was a vegetarian dating site so I guess that made connecting with him so much easier...and meeting him was one of the most easiest meetings I have ever encountered. I guess this is why I continue with the dating sites..because i have had some good experiences throughout my life with them but maybe I should just stick with the vegetarian dating site only from now on until I figure out my emotional issues through counseling.

In the meantime..I wont completely ignore this mans message. I will contact him back and explain myself to him. I am supposed to meet the man that lives 2 hours away this Saturday so I am thinking of waiting until Sunday to open this mans message and read it (I have waited so long already so what is a few more days). I am thinking of doing it this way because I dont want to upset myself before this Saturday and ruin any nice time I would have with this other man. In the meantime I am hoping that the man that this post is about is not too offended by not hearing back from me...as I am sure he could see that I have not visited the site nor, opened his message....he should be thinking that something happened to me to keep me from going on the site. I think it would be more offensive if I had opened his message and did not bother to reply...this was my reasoning behind not opening his message until I was sure what I wanted to do.

Anyway, thanks again Versacehottie, for all the very very helpful advice. I almost feel like I should be paying you for all of this in all honesty. Is there a way I can??? you really deserve something good for all of this!! I really mean that..please private message me if there is a way that I can thankyou for all the great advice. thanks again:)

August 31, 2016

Hi girly!!!

Seems like this has all been spun into a big mess. I think you should let this one go....whatever was between you two has been tainted and too much damage has been done considering you two havent met yet

You seem to be pretty reticent to meet men....even just as friends. Maybe thats just your intuition telling you you're not ready. Take a step back...try to get to the bottom of your fears about meeting these guys. Be honest with yourself. Its time for you to do some soul searching. I know it might be hard to do that but I think you need to figure all this out before you can move forward...I'm afraid if you dont...the same things will keep happening

I'm kind of in a similar boat...I've had a h*llish year of dating...its been really hard on me. I'm in therapy now...I need to figure out where I went wrong this past year. What my part in this whole mess was. Sometimes when I'm alone in my house at night...I cant stand the thought of being single. But during the day I am reminded that the right guy is out there...its just not my time to meet him yet...and I'm ok with that because I need to work on myself before I can have a great relationship...I'm looking forward to the future....I know the best has yet to come....I want you to have that same hope for yourself

Once you have evaluated everything....and have taken time to yourself....may I suggest you refrain from using dating sites to meet new male friends? Even if you say you're just looking for friends in your profile....its not going to pan out the way you want it to. Dating sites are for dating/hook ups....not friendships

I can sense your head is spinning alittle....you're overthinking (I do it all the time too)...you're obsessing....you're picking apart every little detail....

Its time to just stop and breathe hun

Let this guy go....and try to clear your mind. Pls dont beat yourself up...we all make mistakes...its what you do from here on out that really matters

Sending lots of love and hugs!!! :bunny:

Just wanted to thankyou once again for the very sweet advice.:bunny:. I reread it because it is exactly what I needed to hear! I appreciate your kind words of wishing me luck with the situation and telling me that we both have a great future ahead! and that we will both find that special someone!! and I believe we both will too!!:bunny: ..just wanted to thankyou once again for all your kindness. I would like to know if there is a way I can thankyou as well?? I am not really used to people being that nice to me in life:). so I would really like to thankyou for that!!

August 31, 2016

just wanted to add one more thought...

I am assuming that this mans last message to me is in regards to arranging meeting with me since he always wanted to do that all along with me but maybe he is saying something completely different for all I know. Maybe he did not like the fact that I wanted to meet as friends only or maybe he just changed his mind about the entire thing or maybe it is just a very short message just trying to schedule meeting me without any mention of really wanting to be friends with me. None of these would make me feel very good to read at this point so this is another reason why I am thinking to wait until Sunday to open and read it. I guess I just dont want to have any disapointments take place prior to Saturday and my hanging out with this other man, I know that probably seems a bit selfish on my part but I just dont want to get upset and his messages have caused me upset at times in the past..so there is always the possibility that this one will do the same. I also need to concentrate on my job right now.

I realize that all this delaying on getting back to him is probably chipping away at any good feelings he has for me, as Versacehottie has said, but at least I had a chance to apologize about my prior message to him...which was much worse. I am glad I had the chance to do that..and as I said, I am hoping that he is realizing that I have not opened his message nor visited the site in all that time and hopefully he is therefore realizing that something may have just come up for me that has caused my delay and therefore he should not take it so personally..I know if it were me and I had realized that I would just figure something happened or just message the person direct to make sure they get the message..he did not do that so this leads me to believe that he is probably not overly concerned about the whole situation. however, if he winds up messaging me directly in the meantime I will definitely message him back immediately though.

Like I said, I am just glad I was able to apologize to him:)

Edited August 31, 2016 by chumly

August 31, 2016

I actually feel sick to my stomach about this whole thing today.I feel really guilty for how i have been to him and also feel bad for the emotional rollercoaster i have been on about all of this. I also feel like I can not differentiate between reality and fantasy anymore..that is really scary. I keep thinking back to when him and I first started talking last April...how did this all happen like this?? I should never have allowed it to get to this. I should have never fluctuated from my goal with him of just being friends and maybe we could have been friends if I had or at least it would never have gotten to this point at least. I feel like I am heartbroken over the idea of him and for me it is easier to just remain friends with people when ending things but according to my mom and xboyfriend he is not worth being friends with. of course i still dont know what to believe myself but feel just horrilble today..when I heard back from him last week and he wanted to hang out I started fantasizing about being friends with him and having him in my life again....now it almost feels like that dream went out the window too.

this is the weirdest heartbreak I have ever had...especially since I never even met him and he only lives a town away from me. I know I will be ok eventually but it still hurts very badly now. thanks everyone for listening;)

Edited August 31, 2016 by chumly

September 1, 2016

I actually feel sick to my stomach about this whole thing today.I feel really guilty for how i have been to him and also feel bad for the emotional rollercoaster i have been on about all of this. I also feel like I can not differentiate between reality and fantasy anymore..that is really scary. I keep thinking back to when him and I first started talking last April...how did this all happen like this?? I should never have allowed it to get to this. I should have never fluctuated from my goal with him of just being friends and maybe we could have been friends if I had or at least it would never have gotten to this point at least. I feel like I am heartbroken over the idea of him and for me it is easier to just remain friends with people when ending things but according to my mom and xboyfriend he is not worth being friends with. of course i still dont know what to believe myself but feel just horrilble today..when I heard back from him last week and he wanted to hang out I started fantasizing about being friends with him and having him in my life again....now it almost feels like that dream went out the window too.

this is the weirdest heartbreak I have ever had...especially since I never even met him and he only lives a town away from me. I know I will be ok eventually but it still hurts very badly now. thanks everyone for listening;)

Because you aren't really living it. It's what's going on in your head mostly. You are making it both bigger and more complicated than it is. It's is a bit crazy to even be having this discussion when you haven't even opened his last message. In other words, this drama is self-created.

I'm happy to give advice BUT the most important thing you can realize as an anecdote for your indecision and feeling bad in your situation is that you have the strength to deal with whatever life throws at you and that to feel better that's exactly what you must do. Face and live your life. Stop avoiding it. That's is what is making you sick and obsess. It's psych 101.

You seem like a very sweet person. I am grateful for the kind words you have sent my way. That said, the real answers for what you want are inside of you and you don't NEED anyone's help, as far as advice (i think you could absolutely benefit from hearing this same sorts of stuff from a professional and who could lead you through coping skills and facing life skills). You will feel much better if you just DO.

September 1, 2016

Because you aren't really living it. It's what's going on in your head mostly. You are making it both bigger and more complicated than it is. It's is a bit crazy to even be having this discussion when you haven't even opened his last message. In other words, this drama is self-created.

I'm happy to give advice BUT the most important thing you can realize as an anecdote for your indecision and feeling bad in your situation is that you have the strength to deal with whatever life throws at you and that to feel better that's exactly what you must do. Face and live your life. Stop avoiding it. That's is what is making you sick and obsess. It's psych 101.

You seem like a very sweet person. I am grateful for the kind words you have sent my way. That said, the real answers for what you want are inside of you and you don't NEED anyone's help, as far as advice (i think you could absolutely benefit from hearing this same sorts of stuff from a professional and who could lead you through coping skills and facing life skills). You will feel much better if you just DO.

.

Thanks so much again Versacehottie for some further great advice and the kind words. I actually wish i can have you or someone like you as a therapist:)...if you are not one you would be a great one!! Have you ever considered the field?? Most people dont have the personality for it but you are one of the rare people that i have come across that truly does. I think it is a rare gift to be honest. I have been to so many awful therapists that did nothing to help me. However, I am definitely going to give it a try once again. In fact, a friend of mine recommends a lady that is supposed to be very good so I am hoping to be able to see her. I am going to try and make an appt tomorrow.

Yes, I know you are right..my problem is that I am not living life..that is so true! I am so afraid of rejection in anyway shape or form that I am trying everything possible to avoid it...but this makes it really difficult to do things like online dating or even online friend making (if that is even possible at this point ..as you and Disillusionment pointed out that it probably is not) I almost want a guarantee that a person wont reject me before meeting me. ...but that does not seem possible or reasonable. However, I know there is hope for me or else I never would have met the guy that lives 2 hours away. Of course it did help that he seemed to think exactly as I did regarding this issue...and seemed to agree about starting as friends first..so all of this made it so much easier and less stressful to meet him..but at the same time I was still taking a risk...he definitely still could have rejected me and he still can...or maybe I will wind up rejecting him somehow. I think the first meeting is the most stressful one though for me...if i get rejected after the second meeting it does not hurt as much to me. Somehow rejection after the first meeting seems more to do with superficial stuff (such a physical attraction) so I guess that is probably why it seems a bit more hurtful in a way...where rejection after that does not sting as much to me somehow..it seems a bit less superficial in certain ways. I dont know if that makes any kind of sense..but this is the way my mind works ....so I almost feel like if this man rejects me now it wont hurt as bad..since we already got passed the first meeting.

I wish I could be one of these people that can go out and meet people with no fear of rejection whatsoever. I soooo envy people who can do that! I want to know how they do that? what is their secret? Especially with things like dating. In particular I envy females that do that...in a way I would like to speak with other females that have done things like online dating, got rejected and survived...I want to know how they survived and went on to continue dating without letting the rejection affect them?? I really take my hat off to any female that has done it and found a way to cope. Of course I have been rejected myself from online dating years ago but it was after the second date and since i have taken so few risks in that department i dont have a whole lot else to go by...probably not really a good thing in alot of ways though, as I believe you said , experience is what makes us stronger ...but that rejection I experienced still hurt...however, I eventually got passed it and went on with my life but it took a little while to get over it. I need to know the secret that others have of not letting it affect them so much. Of course I have been rejected in many many other similar ways in life and got passed it so maybe I can try and remember how I dealt with those times.

Anyway, in regards to this man....maybe Disillusionment373 was right when she said that my hesitance with meeting this man was some kind of intuition in some way. I know she did not exactly say that ....I am just kind of putting a variation to it now...but it might be true. There really were so many red flags with him that i kept looking past over and over again....I probably should have cut him off when the red flags came up but I just kept wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt probably due to my being so desperate....I am desperate even for friends unfortunately. I know you are right about my not having even opened his message yet and in fact, his response might help to clear up certain things i am wondering about too. I still plan on opening it on Sunday and if the message indicates that he wanted to hang out I am now thinking of telling him that I do but maybe at another time..maybe I can say I need to take care of a few things first ( which would be my mental state...I wont tell him that part, or maybe i will..at least it is honest). I guess I will think about how to respond after opening it and seeing what he said. I am still planning on doing so on Sunday since I dont want to stress out any further than i already am before Saturday and ruin my time with the other nice man. I know it probably sounds like a crazy way of doing things and I dont know if this makes any sense either but that is my logic behind it anyway for whatever it is worth:rolleyes:.

Anyway, thanks once again Versacehottie...talking on here and getting advice from people like yourself and Disillusionment373. is more helpful than you can all realize. You are both such great people to help others out like you have! Thanks once again!!!!

September 3, 2016

well, a couple of things have come up in my life that I would like to share on here..I dont know if we are permitted to discuss other things like, financial problems but it kind of ties into this situation in a strange kind of way so hopefully it will be ok. I kind of feel like when I post on this forum it is a bit like a therapy session for me anyway. In fact, it is probably even better then a therapy session, it can be quite cathartic because I feel like I can be the real me on here since I am safely guarded due to the anonymity of the internet..so strangely this is sort of more helpful to me in certain ways...of course it is really great to get the helpful advice from those like Versacehottie and Disillusionment373 but even if I dont get advice it still helps to just post my feelings either way. I am so very happy that I discovered this forum. It might have been one of the best parts of a very bleak year for me so far.

Anyway, I recently discovered that the loss of a job that I had put me in more financial strain than I even realized. I have been fortunate enough to work from home but for quite a while I had 2 jobs but about a month or so ago I lost one of them (and it was the better paying one) but I have been trying to survive with just the other one alone and thought I was doing ok until I looked at my bank account and realized just how bad off I had become. Part of the problem is that I have become super lazy and distracted by all this dating BS and sadly this has had an affect on my work performance ...I need to concentrate more and put in more hours and not let all these things distract me anymore. In addition to this I have bills piling up left and right and need to take my dog to the vet. I am going to have to ask to borrow money from my mom, a position I hate to be in. It also looks like I might have no choice then to go out of town for a little while ...my sister will pay for my food and care if I watch her kids for her while she takes on a tempo job. I will be able to work from her home since I can take my job anywhere...but the good thing is this should allow me the distance from all these dating situations so that I can really focus on working and getting myself out of this financial situation I am now in and catch up with all my bills. I think I need that break from everything.

Another thing that this might do for me is allow me the time to think more about what I want to do in regards to this man and my dating/friendship approach..the distance from everything may allow me to think about all of this with a clear head..so I guess I will go ahead and tell this man the truth of what is going on with myself and that I need to go out of town again and that we can "perhaps" meet up when I get back. If he is truly interested in meeting me strictly as a friend I would think he would understand and not be too disappointed at this point. Hopefully he will understand ...my guess is that he might be too fed up with me to understand but it is the truth. With everything that is going on I guess I am not in a good frame of mind to meet anybody. I even had to cancel on my plans with the man that lives 2 hours away because I am just too depressed about my financial situation to be very much fun to be with right now and figured it would not be fair to him. Maybe I will lose him now too, I hope not...but like I said, it is the truth. It is hard to spend time with people when I am feeling this way and have no money.

I also have to think "if" I keep up any kind of online dating profile..I need to figure out early on who is worth meeting and who is not, like Versacehottie and Disillusionment373 has said dragging bad or indecisive things on for long without meeting the person is definitely not the way to go for me from now on. I also need to get into therapy too and find a way to cope with my overwhelming and immobilizing fear of rejection that I have...so in a strange sort of way this time away at my sisters place might help give me the space that I need to think about things.

I hope that everyone I explain this to will understand ...like I said, at least it is honest.

Thanks everyone again for listening. I will continue to update this thread as things continue on.

Edited September 3, 2016 by chumly

September 9, 2016

well, I figured since I shared the last message I sent to this man that I would also share the message that I got from him in response. I finally opened it on Monday morning....

"Hey!

If you want us to be totally good with each other, I am up for that too.

I bear no ill will and don't even have any bad memories of relating to you.

I don't hold on to anything negative, especially if the other person shows an interest in improving relationships.

I am 100% open to all you have to offer and will be the very best I can be to you.

We just need to meet.

I would like that.

Sorry to hear about the bummer with the job. Something better will come to you.

oh yes P.S.. Mom is fine and I'm pretty good too. I've having trouble staying on it with the web

design work, but I will get it done."

I was not sure how to respond or what to say at the moment so this is what I messaged back...

"oh wow....i am really sorry about this!! Thanks for the very nice message. Please forgive me. I am just like you in that I try my best to return all messages. i have not been able to get on Match for over a week due to some problem with my pw and did not realize that you even messaged me back. My messages do not come to any emails. I hope all is well with you.

Anyway, I am actually on my way out the door and in a big rush so I will message you in better detail in the next day or so but yes, I do want to be friends with you and I am very happy to hear that you would like to be friends with me too and that you forgot everything bad.

ok, I will message you more very soon. In the meantime if there is anything new please feel free to let me know.

Edited September 9, 2016 by chumly

September 9, 2016

so obviously he is still very much interested in meeting me. I know he messaged me back yet again, but I am still trying to sort out my thoughts on everything so have not opened his last message either but will do so probably this weekend when i message him back.

I am now out of town anyway so I will have to tell him that I will have to wait until I get back in late October to meet if he is still interested in doing so at the time. My guess is that he is going to be so fed up with waiting and delaying that he might lose all interest when I tell him this. If that is the case I suppose it might be just as well anyway. At least I am glad that we left things on good terms with each other though. I guess that was my main concern...I did not like the idea of having a weird anger thing between us so i am glad that at the very least he forgave me and that we are at least good in that regard.

I have been thinking about the entire situation and I honestly feel that if I had thought he was very nice or at least acted in a consistant manner towards me the entire time I am sure I would have met him by now. So even though I will admit that I am very insecure about meeting people and do need to work on that issue. ..it was not all on me and I am not as bad off when it comes to that as one might think...the nicest person I have even spoken to on any of these dating sites in a long time was the man that lives 2 hours away..and I DID meet him! Most of the others I have spoken to have not been all that nice or compatible with me so the motivation to meet them was really not there...So I probably should at least give myself credit where credit is due. It is not as if this man was being super nice to me and I acted this way. Instead he was inconsistant and very flaky and he caused many red flags to go off in me. I think many others would probably either have dropped him long before or would have had the same reservations as I did about meeting him if they were in my shoes.

Even his interest in meeting me now is a bit strange to me and there is something about his message that seems a bit cold to me compared to my initial message to him but maybe i am overanalyzing again. Does anybody else find his message to me to be bit cold??

He has mentioned meeting for an hour at this point ( he did not say that in this note to me but did say it in another one) but initially we were supposed to go on 10 dates together without judgement. It was probably a stupid idea but he seemed so eager to have the 10 dates with me..then suddenly he went from that to only wanting to meet for an hour?? This is just one of many examples of his inconsistancies towards me. Like I said, the 10 date idea was probably not the best one anyway but after communicating for so long with him a 1 hour meeting seems about as cold as it gets. Even though there are alot of negatives to talking to someone for so long prior to meeting each other (as many on here have pointed out) one of the positives that I usually have found to be the case is that by the time you meet the person it feels like you are meeting a friend that you already know. This is exactly what happened with me and the man that lives 2 hours away. We met as friends and felt like we already knew each other because we talked for so long so for this man to say he wants to meet for an hour it is almost as though he is acting like we dont even know each other at this point. It seems very cold and strange to me. Like I said, maybe i am overanalyzing everything but why does he want to meet me now?? is it just a curiosity thing now? to see how I look in real life?? or is he truly interested in the meeting leading to us being friends?? and what can he determine about me in an hour that he does not know about me already from talking on the phone other than the way I look? When I meet people it is with the hopes of either a romantic thing or being friends. I dont meet people just to satisfy my curiosity but I almost get the feeling that is why he wants to meet me now. I have mentioned to him how I would like to attend meetups, go kayaking etc, but all he mentions is us meeting each other...so if he is meeting me out of curiosity what will he do if he does not like what he sees? will he end the meeting in 10 min instead of 1 hour?? After all of our conversations i would be devastated to be treated like that. I dont know if any of this makes any sense but this is how I feel. It would be different if we had not talked as long as we have.

Anyway, I guess it will be interesting to see how he responds when I tell him i will be out of town until mid to late Oct. ..a part of me feels guilty to keep putting him off like this ...however, the good thing is if he still shows an interest in meeting me after hearing this I will have all that time to think about whether or not I want to go through with meeting him. In the meantime I am going to redo my entire profile and I am going to clearly state that I am just looking for non romantic activity buddies for now with the possibility of more in the future. I also decided i am going to try posting a bit more of my beliefs in my profile too..I mean, why should i hold back on who i am and what i am looking for on there. I am going to ask this mans opinion on my new profile too so that i am sure he clearly knows exactly what i am looking for too. I am also going to start initiating contact with people too instead of just waiting and hoping people will contact me. Maybe if i do all of this I will find more of the kind of people I really want to attract instead of all of this riff raff that i really dont want.

Anyway, thanks everyone for listening...it helps to get all of this out. if anybody has any thoughts on any of this I would be happy to hear it ..but either way, it is great to get all of this out...it really does make me feel better.

September 20, 2016

me and this man have been communicating with each other again but just in a friendly way now.

He told me about some women he had an interest in but that was because I asked him about it.... and I told him about the man that lives 2 hours away and what had happened with that.

He is going out of town but we said we would meet when he gets back as friends but with no certain plans. I am glad that him and I are communicating again but of course I am not really sure how long it will last...I am just glad that we are in good standings with each other now.

I hope it was not insensitive of me to tell him about the man that lives 2 hours away?? I figured since he told me about some women he went out with it would be ok.

Was that insensitive on my part?? I hope not..now I am a bit paranoid about this kind of thing due to some of the feedback I got from others on here.

Edited September 20, 2016 by chumly

September 24, 2016

would like to get others opinion on this....

I have been chatting with someone online in a friendship kind of way ...anyway, I was under the impression that this person wants to be friends with me so I sent him a message tell him that I was needing to move and a bit stressed out over it. It was a few paragraphs long. He has responded to my email prior to that in somewhat good detail but his last email to me left me wondering if he might not really want to hear from me anymore. I tend to overanalyze things so I am not sure if that is what I am doing here but this was a message he sent me after I told him I was stressed out from moving and wished him a safe business trip...I will paste it below..

"The trip is off.

I won’t explain in detail but in short, there is too much here that I need to be dealing with to take a 5 week working vacation in AZ.

Still wanting the best for you.

…and for me too."

xoxo"

so he signed it with xoxo at the bottom which is a warm thing to do but I kind of got a weird feeling of coldness in his message to me but again, I might be overanalzing and he said he is busy lately in a prior email to me.

So does this email sound like he is wanting me to leave him alone? I am just planning on leaving him a message with my new cell phone # since I told him I would give it to him and I will just tell him to call me anytime and leave it at that but I would be interested in others take on this??

Thanks for any input.

September 24, 2016

In general, men will take long missives about your troubles as hints for help. In general, unless a man is wanting to be with you and be your man, he will not be down for listening to anything depressing or complaining. Men hate that in women even the ones they marry, so they usually aren't even going to deal with it when they're just chatting for fun online.

That said, I don't detect any coldness in what he wrote. I just detect that he's not interested in long drawn-out details of your life or in sharing his. So why not just keep it short in the future.

September 24, 2016

In general, men will take long missives about your troubles as hints for help. In general, unless a man is wanting to be with you and be your man, he will not be down for listening to anything depressing or complaining. Men hate that in women even the ones they marry, so they usually aren't even going to deal with it when they're just chatting for fun online.

That said, I don't detect any coldness in what he wrote. I just detect that he's not interested in long drawn-out details of your life or in sharing his. So why not just keep it short in the future.

I agree with this ....he is also telling you his trip is off and is therefore available to meet!

Why don't you suggest meeting for coffee or something?

Do NOT make the same mistake you did with last guy whom you became very invested in for months, but never met.

Meet, see if something is there and take it from there.

September 24, 2016

ok...thankyou both. He actually knows I am out of town right now so I cant meet him either right now...and I thought he was going to be out of town for a while too but apparently not.

I am BIG conversational email person so I know I cant expect others to be like that too.

pregraph....that is very interesting! I did not really think about that being the case...yes, maybe he thought I was whining too much. Thanks again:)

Katiegirl...yes, I agree about no longer drawing things out..I am not planning on talking to him for too long...if we still want to meet when I get back I will do so with him but wont really talk too much prior to that beforehand..I learned my lesson about that... I will just leave my cell phone# though in case he wants to chat sometime and will leave it at that.

Thanks again to you both. I am glad to know you dont think he sounds as cold as I originally thought. I am so tired today so I think I am overthinking everything. Thanks again:)

September 24, 2016

That email he sent you sounded rather odd to me. If I were you, I would send my new cell phone number to him and then leave the ball in his court to contact you again. Keep yourself busy with other things in the meantime.

September 24, 2016

That email he sent you sounded rather odd to me. If I were you, I would send my new cell phone number to him and then leave the ball in his court to contact you again. Keep yourself busy with other things in the meantime.

thanks...yes, that is exactly what I am planning on doing too. He is kind of a strange bird in general so I am not overly thrilled with him anyway..he has been kind of hot and cold with me a bit.

In his prior email he was going on about how I was like a flower that needed this and that to make it grow..he was referring to my confidence. It is possible that he views us as a counselor/patient relationship where he views me as his patient...it just kind of went in that direction when he started giving advice to me as opposed to conversating with me.

Now he is sending me this short message but signing with xoxo.

I am definitely going to leave things in his court after leaving my phone number. I will kind of view it as leaving things to the universe to take care of things.

Anyway, thanks again:)

September 24, 2016

He is waiting to see what you will do too because he is unsure of you. If you like this guy why not suggest meeting up for a drink and talk in person....just for fun. There is no obligation to make this serious.

You could say "I could use a distraction from this, do you want to grab a drink?"

September 24, 2016

He is waiting to see what you will do too because he is unsure of you. If you like this guy why not suggest meeting up for a drink and talk in person....just for fun. There is no obligation to make this serious.

You could say "I could use a distraction from this, do you want to grab a drink?"

thanks so much for the response....ok, maybe you are right..maybe he is testing the waters with me as well.

I will give him my cell# and see how he responds to that. I guess it is kind of tough to tell how this email to me was meant since I could not tell his tone of voice when he said it and things like that...all those things could make a difference. It just seemed a bit cold after I put together a decent sized message to him but I did tell him one other time that I did not expect him to email me in the same capacity that I always email him since I am such a huge conversational emailer and like to do that while working in between calls at home so I dont expect others to have the time I have to put together long emails.

Anyway I will try not to overanalyze it and perhaps take your suggestion when I get back.

ok, thanks again.

September 24, 2016

The mystery of it should be exciting and enticing...not stressful. Enjoy the ride.

September 24, 2016

Well, not necessarily whining, but if he's not met you, a man may be thinking, And this has what to do with me?

September 24, 2016

It does sound like he's not interested in doing long, conversational emails with you. I used to have pen-pals back in the day, so I do understand writing my thoughts - but let's face it, it's not everyone's cup of tea.

However, not wanting to do long emails doesn't mean he's not interested.

September 24, 2016

"The trip is off.
I won’t explain in detail but in short, there is too much here that I need to be dealing with to take a 5 week working vacation in AZ.
Still wanting the best for you.
…and for me too."

xoxo"

I missed this, sorry, but what does him taking a 5 week working vacation have to do with you? Was he coming to see you but plans changed?

September 24, 2016

thanks everyone for the added insight! yes, Basil, I love writing long emails..

kendahke....thanks for the response. I know it is a bit confusing but he was just answering a question that I had asked about a business trip that I thought he was taking out of town. It just seemed a bit short and cold of a response compared to what I had messaged him so I was a bit taken back but as the others have said, I guess that does not necessarily mean that he is not interested in me. Also things like voice inflection and stuff like that could make a difference in how things are meant too.

Thanks again everyone..I am glad I asked this;)

September 25, 2016

In general, men will take long missives about your troubles as hints for help. In general, unless a man is wanting to be with you and be your man, he will not be down for listening to anything depressing or complaining. Men hate that in women even the ones they marry, so they usually aren't even going to deal with it when they're just chatting for fun online.

Absolutely true!

Also, i don't see anything negative in his response.

September 27, 2016

Thanks Joseb for your thoughts on it too:)

..and thanks again everyone. I wound up getting another very short message from him with a link to a website that he thought I might be interested in..I then asked him how he was doing and he sent a longer response back this time and asked how I was so I guess you were all correct when you said that there was nothing negative about his response..as he is still showing interest in communicating with me now. For some reason his wording sounded a bit final to me but I guess I was just overanalyzing like I tend to do.

Thanks again everyone for the very helpful responses back. I really appreciate it.

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am I justified to want another conversation with this man if I am going to meet him??

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