am I justified to want another conversation with this man if I am going to meet him??

[chumly]

In one of your thread l remember asking you why you are online scraping the bottom of the baril, now l know. Chumly, no smart, fun, stable, grounded man will start a friendship or relationship with a woman living with her ex and l don't care for what reasons. An intelligent man will prefer dating a woman living under a bridge than one living with her ex. You need to end this agreement you have with your ex and part ways. If you are not ready to do this than expect dating to be some more of what you have got so far.

 

unfortunately he would be on the streets if it were not for me. I am not sure what to do in this situation. I guess my heart is too big for my own good:sick:

[CarrieT]

unfortunately he would be on the streets if it were not for me.

That is *his* problem. Not yours.

 

I am not sure what to do in this situation.

Give him a definitely, hard, fast timeline to get his sh*t together to be able to move on with both of your lives; 30 days, 60 days, something...

 

But what others have said is true: No one is going to want to get involved with you, knowing you are still living with "an Ex" (which makes them think you are actually just a cheater).

[chumly]

I had sent a final message to this man to tell him how I felt about his attitude and actions towards me and that the reason I was so hesitant about meeting him was due to his continuous inconsistencies towards me in his actions and his attitude. I also told him that it hurt me that he told me that he liked and cared for me for who I was on the inside but according to his last email to me it was never really me that he liked but a fantasy that he built in his head based on some of my pics...and I told him this fantasy was something I could never live up to...so it was never really me he was truly liking or interested in but a fantasy that he had in his head but yet he lead me to think it was me he liked. I told him this hurt me that he did this to me and that his feelings for me were not genuine at all. I was rather rough in my message to him..I also told him that I believe he also has a cold side to him and does not think of how he hurts others and I questioned his christianity but I did try to say all of this to him in the nicest way possible too if that is possible. Anyway, the following was his response back to me

 

 

 

 

"Some of your recounting of events is correct. Not all but some, maybe most.

However, your interpretations of my feelings and motivations for my actions are incorrect and somewhat insulting.

I don't think you are in a position to judge my sincerity in my Christianity.

You are only guessing at my intentions or my sincerity in my intentions or actions or words to you.

Fine. I should be, as you call it, "big enough" to just accept what you say and not be offended just because you do not intend to offend.

OK. Fine again. I can accept that you are not malicious because I believe you are a good and caring person. Instead of being offended, I will just remind myself that you are merely not understanding me and my feelings.

 

We have both contributed to getting on the wrong path with each other and going astray from our intentions to get to know each other and grow a friendship.

I don't know where or how, but we did.

I can also understand your questioning of my intentions in the beginning although you are incorrect in assuming you were being "played."

That is insulting.

You just do not understand me and how my feelings can be changed by feedback and experiences as events and communication proceed along the passage of time.

I can't blame you for everything that has happened and I will not. Things happened to each of us and you reacted to things I said and I reacted to things you said and that caused me to retreat in my feelings. Maybe you did not retreat until now and I admire you for that. Perhaps I am more insecure than you and more cautious of disappointment and hurt.

Either way, I feel that we are done here.

 

It is unfortunate because I think that we are both really good people (just with some insecurities about relationships), and we may have been really good friends under different circumstances.

I infer from what you wrote that you think I do not treat people well and I am not the kind of person you want to be friends with. That is OK. I have my faults but I know who I am and I will try to not be concerned with what you think of me.

I do not have to because we will not be associating with each other any more.

 

Just one small note, you have misread and or misremembered what I said about Colleen. She told me what she thought and then we got along fine after that.

 

I am sorry that you think the evil sounding things you do about me. Like I said, it is unfortunate.

You do not have to worry about being "mislead" or "played" by me any longer.

I won't bother you again.

 

Sincerely wishing you well in all you do,"

 

 

...I felt very sad by this message to me and felt the need to share it for whatever it is worth:sick:

[chumly]

...I tried to be a really big person and had even sent him a message after that apologizing for being a bit rough on him in the message I sent. I told him that I dont think he is evil and that it seems like we just misunderstood each other alot. I even suggested that maybe one day we can reconnect in the future and had a chance to put all these misunderstandings behind us and start again from scratch just as friends for now. I told him even though he seems to want nothing to do with me now he can still feel free to say "hi" to me if he would like and I will always say "hi" back. I asked him it if is ok for me to say "hi" to him if I see him online but he did not respond back to my message.

 

 

I have never been rejected to be someones friend before and remain in at least some kind of contact. This rejection is hurting me so much. I thought I was once again being the bigger person here but yet he wants nothing to do with me now ... he was the one that mislead me with all the sweet talk and made me think he really liked me for "me"but I am still trying to make things right. I always have the need to make things "right" with everyone in life. I told him so much about myself and he told me so much about himself. He has no friends so why would he not want to be my friend?? I am a good person with many good qualities. It hurts to think that he never really appreciated that about me or at least not enough to want to remain in contact with me.

 

I know this was nothing more than an online fantasy thing but for some reason I am in so much pain over this. I have been crying on and off all day.

 

I know there is really no advice that could be given here that was not already said but I just felt like I needed to vent to someone and I have nobody else to turn to. Thanks for listening.

[chumly]

...I also thought it would have been nice if he apologized for misleading me into thinking his feelings for me were genuine as he had. It seemed like his feelings for me were based on whichever pics were posted online...when they were good he would like me more but when they were not he would like me less.

 

As you can see in his message to me He practically admitted I was correct that that he built up a fantasy of me based on some of my pics that had no basis in reality. I do feel an apology was in order but he never gave me one . That part also hurts too.

[chumly]

..I should add...he was in my life for 4 months, it hurts that he can just forget about me like that after that and not want to at least keep in some sort of contact.

[CarrieT]

But YOU made up a fantasy about him as well! That is why you are in so much pain. Because you created this ideal relationship and person in your head and it all imploded.

 

Why haven't you answered my questions about giving your live-in BF a deadline to move out?

[chumly]

I am going to go for a car ride and get some air. I have definitely learned my lesson about not talking to people for too long before meeting them. it seems like he was more attached in the beginning but unfortunately I got more attached in the end after talking and sharing so much. It is one thing to be rejected as a girlfriend but so much worse to be rejected as a friend

 

I guess it would not be so bad if I was young and more attractive..I would probably have alot of men to choose from and talk to and date so I can forget about him but this is not the case.

 

Once again, I know there is nothing that anybody can say that they have not already said here. It just helps to vent and get this out. I think I am finished venting now and will go for the car ride..I need to get away from this computer. Thanks again for listening.

[CarrieT]

It is one thing to be rejected as a girlfriend but so much worse to be rejected as a friend

Guys talking to women online are not looking for FRIENDS.

 

You were rejected because you came across as needy, wanting, and desperate.

[Versacehottie]

ok, I hope you learn a lot from this. I'm just going to say that his response to you was more in line with good communication. And yours to him, both of the last two times was not.

 

Most importantly, why are you putting words in his mouth? You accused him and all sorts of deducing what his intentions are and how his mind is working. It's not fair. It's not good communication. And will not help you achieve what you want to achieve. Also keeping in mind, that you are not bf/gf and barely scratching surface of real friends. It's better to just SAY how you feel ("i feel upset/hurt") and ASK him what he is thinking or why he did something. It's not good communication to make all these interpretations about his thinking, or position. I'm not explaining it well but you should pick up a book on good communicating for any relationship.

 

Also I think it's important that you don't ACT like a girlfriend when you haven't even met. It's too much drama and invested emotions without the other bonding glue that a REAL relationship needs, especially if you are trying to start out as "friends". From your end (and from his end) that was hardly a "friends" interaction. It's not fair to expect bf behavior from someone you claim to want to start out as friends. I just have to call you out for being a hypocrite on that. That's a lot of emotion to lay on some guy, very heavy, and you are calling him out claiming he misled you--when your message to him is same-same. That is not a message from a woman who thinks she is just "friends" with someone. A lot of the pain you are going through, you just have to admit to yourself is self-caused. That's why I keep urging you to be honest with yourself.

 

During the telling of your story to us, you left out the part of ex who still lives with you. I think that makes it more understandable that you want/need to start out as friends with a guy. Absolutely you should do it through meetups, church, your common interests. It's a way to go slow and not be in predicaments again. I agree that you need to give your ex a deadline because it is infringing on your ability to enjoy and live your life. Honestly though, I think it's not the only thing that's holding you back because of your posts, it seems to me that's just an excuse that "protects" you some more so maybe that's why you left it out from telling us. Bottom line, there is much that you can do to change your circumstances and feel better, approach things differently. I'd be cautious of slipping into a victim mentality. Stop looking for excuses and reasons of why not and trying to place blame. Look for why yes and ways to make it work. If there is a legitimate thing that throws a wrench into you getting what you want, address it. Such as, live in ex. I think you would benefit from therapy too. Initially it just seemed as if you were a little fearful or sheltered but with additional information it also seems like there is a one sided interpretation of events and situations and a need to work on communication and socialization. I think if whatever you discuss comes from a professional, it may be easier for you to absorb.

 

I know last time or time before that i posted you took it that it was a bit harsh. It's easy to discuss your dilemmas on both threads when what I was saying was supportive and pushing you positively to say "yes you can do this" and things in that spirit. Trust me when I say the more "negative" things and asking you to TRULY be introspective, that I say those in the SAME spirit. It may feel harsh because we are starting to get into stuff that's about you and how you have gotten to this place. It's less about encouraging you to go on hike with a guy or take a chance which are more external and supportive to you. Inherently, saying take a chance means that an outsider has faith in you/believes in you for whatever reason you cannot have full faith in yourself--so it feels good. But when we get to this kind of stuff in the last several posts, the stuff I'm saying can come off harsh or as criticism because it's hard to hear. But trust me, it ALSO comes from the spirit of "you can do this" (sort out what's going on inside of you). I promise I am being no less supportive in saying any of the things I say but it wouldn't be right of me to just notice major things you are doing that stand in the way of what you say you want and say nothing and only be supportive in a way you can handle. Actually I think you can handle this as well--IF you really want to change and have what you want. Good luck

[chumly]

ok, I hope you learn a lot from this. I'm just going to say that his response to you was more in line with good communication. And yours to him, both of the last two times was not.

 

Most importantly, why are you putting words in his mouth? You accused him and all sorts of deducing what his intentions are and how his mind is working. It's not fair. It's not good communication. And will not help you achieve what you want to achieve. Also keeping in mind, that you are not bf/gf and barely scratching surface of real friends. It's better to just SAY how you feel ("i feel upset/hurt") and ASK him what he is thinking or why he did something. It's not good communication to make all these interpretations about his thinking, or position. I'm not explaining it well but you should pick up a book on good communicating for any relationship.

 

Also I think it's important that you don't ACT like a girlfriend when you haven't even met. It's too much drama and invested emotions without the other bonding glue that a REAL relationship needs, especially if you are trying to start out as "friends". From your end (and from his end) that was hardly a "friends" interaction. It's not fair to expect bf behavior from someone you claim to want to start out as friends. I just have to call you out for being a hypocrite on that. That's a lot of emotion to lay on some guy, very heavy, and you are calling him out claiming he misled you--when your message to him is same-same. That is not a message from a woman who thinks she is just "friends" with someone. A lot of the pain you are going through, you just have to admit to yourself is self-caused. That's why I keep urging you to be honest with yourself.

 

During the telling of your story to us, you left out the part of ex who still lives with you. I think that makes it more understandable that you want/need to start out as friends with a guy. Absolutely you should do it through meetups, church, your common interests. It's a way to go slow and not be in predicaments again. I agree that you need to give your ex a deadline because it is infringing on your ability to enjoy and live your life. Honestly though, I think it's not the only thing that's holding you back because of your posts, it seems to me that's just an excuse that "protects" you some more so maybe that's why you left it out from telling us. Bottom line, there is much that you can do to change your circumstances and feel better, approach things differently. I'd be cautious of slipping into a victim mentality. Stop looking for excuses and reasons of why not and trying to place blame. Look for why yes and ways to make it work. If there is a legitimate thing that throws a wrench into you getting what you want, address it. Such as, live in ex. I think you would benefit from therapy too. Initially it just seemed as if you were a little fearful or sheltered but with additional information it also seems like there is a one sided interpretation of events and situations and a need to work on communication and socialization. I think if whatever you discuss comes from a professional, it may be easier for you to absorb.

 

I know last time or time before that i posted you took it that it was a bit harsh. It's easy to discuss your dilemmas on both threads when what I was saying was supportive and pushing you positively to say "yes you can do this" and things in that spirit. Trust me when I say the more "negative" things and asking you to TRULY be introspective, that I say those in the SAME spirit. It may feel harsh because we are starting to get into stuff that's about you and how you have gotten to this place. It's less about encouraging you to go on hike with a guy or take a chance which are more external and supportive to you. Inherently, saying take a chance means that an outsider has faith in you/believes in you for whatever reason you cannot have full faith in yourself--so it feels good. But when we get to this kind of stuff in the last several posts, the stuff I'm saying can come off harsh or as criticism because it's hard to hear. But trust me, it ALSO comes from the spirit of "you can do this" (sort out what's going on inside of you). I promise I am being no less supportive in saying any of the things I say but it wouldn't be right of me to just notice major things you are doing that stand in the way of what you say you want and say nothing and only be supportive in a way you can handle. Actually I think you can handle this as well--IF you really want to change and have what you want. Good luck

 

Thanks for the help once again..I really appreciate all your insight. I know that your advice was from the heart and that you are actually giving good advice in a positive way. You seem like a huge help to everyone here..it is amazing that you take the time out to help like that for people. I always think I will try and respond to other posters myself but wind up so caught up in my situations that I forget. I give you credit for being so selfless like that and the same goes to the rest of the helpful responders to my posts and everyones posts as well.

 

I agree that I could probably benefit from professional help to deal with my deep seated insecurities. I am glad that you took the time to read his message to me and gave your thoughts on it. I thought it might be helpful for you or someone to hear his side of things and I agree that he communicated well to me...even though I did not like what he said..it was well written. I also posted it so you can see why he seems so intelligent in certain ways so that you might understand the attraction in a way for whatever it is worth at this point.

 

As far as the part about living with my x goes...yes, I did not mention it because I guess I knew it was really other things that made me approach relationships as I do...so I left it out for that reason. There is also a bit more to it ...I actually live in his house but it is a very complicated situation...he is waiting and hoping to get on disability for all kinds of medical issues. thankfully he has a court date for a hearing coming up but in the meantime he is struggling financially so I pay him rent and this helps him pay his bills and his brother also helps him but it is kind of a win win situation because it sort of helps me too. I save alot more living with him then if I rented somewhere else but I kind of made a deal with him that I would stay here at least until he gets a decision on his disability case..which is finally coming up after about 4 years of waiting! We really are just friends at this point. He has dated others and obviously so am I. It is a big house so we dont get in each others way. I know alot of people who live with the opposite sex as a roommate so I am hoping it wont be too much of an issue with someone but at the same time I know it is also awkward. I ddont plan on revealing that he is my xboyfriend to anybody..instead I will just say he is my landlord since technically that is what he is at this point. So yes, this is also another reason that I need to take things slow with people as well but like you said, not the only reason.

 

Anyway, getting back to the situation with this man. ...as I think I mentioned..I did send a message to him apologizing for being so harsh on him and suggested that we might be able to reconnect in the future. I also asked that he forgive me for hurting him because I got the feeling in his message to me here that I did. Anyway, I can see he messaged me back but I have not opened it as of yet. I am very happy he messaged me back but I hope it is nothing mean. I have to work tonight and I dont want to be upset in case he said something "not so nice" to me in it but I will read it later tonight and if it is anything worth mentioning I will update this post. I am hoping he is willing to be at least cordial with me at this point and not have a weird anger thing with me after 4 months of knowing someone I dont want to end with animosity. ..I prefer to end on a good note sort of speak.

 

Anyway, thanks for the helpful response once again. i really appreciate it.

[Grisho]

Dis and Chumly, I was sad to read that posts here have made you both cry at times. No internet forum nor poster should be doing that, unless they are tears of happiness. Sometimes we can all be so flippant when we post here, and post and then carry on with our normal lives, leaving the scene of the crime, so to speak. It's a good reminder to all of us to be kinder, so thanks for admitting the crying. In future, it my help to mention on the threads themselves that tears are falling, so we all get a strong reminder to be kind and careful towards each other. Wishing you both calm waters ahead.

[chumly]

Dis and Chumly, I was sad to read that posts here have made you both cry at times. No internet forum nor poster should be doing that, unless they are tears of happiness. Sometimes we can all be so flippant when we post here, and post and then carry on with our normal lives, leaving the scene of the crime, so to speak. It's a good reminder to all of us to be kinder, so thanks for admitting the crying. In future, it my help to mention on the threads themselves that tears are falling, so we all get a strong reminder to be kind and careful towards each other. Wishing you both calm waters ahead.

 

 

Thanks so much for your very kind words! I agree...I think some people might not realize that for some people in this lonely world online forums is all they have to turn too...as sad as that may sound. I only recently discovered this one and have found some wonderful help on here from people like Vers and Dis as well as yourself as well as many others but I have found that there seems to be a trend on ALL online forums were there might be one or two people that kind of like to almost be sort of like a troll and make things worse for the person. I try to just ignore it myself but I can actually see the potential to really harm someone when they are so sad already. I agree that it would be nice if people can be a bit more sensitive and realize this and maybe try putting themselves in others shoes and think how they would feel to hear such cruel remarks when they are already in such pain. Thanks for the post and the reminder.

[chumly]

Well, I read the response from this man to my asking for forgiveness for my very harsh message to him where I said some very rough things to him...I believe they were all true but they were definitely rough. I said he was inconsistant, a hypocrite of christianity and had a cold side (I think his message to me will demonstrate the cold side i am referring to). Anyway, I asked for his forgiveness because I feel I probably hurt him deeply but he also hurt me too by acting like he had genuine feelings for me when it was only a fantasy he had feelings for and I did absolutely nothing to encourage this behavior...in fact, I kept telling him otherwise but he insisted on fantasizing about me anyway, apparently I was the only one with genuine feelings in the relationship. I will share his message below ( I had also asked if we can be at least cordial with each other)..

 

 

"To be Cordial, you have to have communication,Which I had rather not have.

I have no hate in my heart or mind.

I am neutral. I neither love nor hate.

I choose to cease activities that create unrest and reduce my peace of mind.

 

Our communications went from ecstatic to unpleasant over the course of time.

I do not understand why and I forgive both of us for whatever we contributed.

I do wish you only well."

 

 

and then he added another response to another quick message I sent when I said I would pray that he will forgive me and it is posted below..

 

 

'Forgiven and you can have cordiality if that is what you wish."

 

 

..I guess he suddenly changed his mind about being cordial with me. I am not sure why I want to be friendly at least with him..maybe I still have an attraction to him...I never really understood why he liked me anyway. That might have been part of the problem all along. I think I was convinced if he met me he would not like me anymore and I panicked and stressed about it . I hate to admit it but it was definitely his looks that interested me too and still does and I know that is very hypocritical to say considering how i feel about that kind of thing but he is so gorgeous and looks just like the actor Sam Eliot and not too far from Sam Eliots age too. If I posted his pic you would see what I mean...anyway, I will post how I responded to him below (and I know it probably sounds as pathetic as it gets but it is how I feel)...

 

"Thanks so much for forgiving me and letting me know about it!! I really appreciate it and feel better. I also appreciate that you also said we can be at least cordial with each other.

 

I do wish that we can at least be periodic friends with each other but not because I have a romantic interest in you at this point but because we knew each other for 4 months and I have never experienced anything like this before where someone wanted nothing to do with me after that..It is also hard to accept that you dont at least have friendly feelings for me at this point but only indifference after all this time....just wondering if it is because I hurt you so much in my last message? or were you feeling this way prior? I am just curious to know? Like I said, It is a bit hard to accept but I am trying..usually people like me so much more when they meet and get to know me...not less. This is honestly the very first time this has EVER happened to me and I hope to God that it never happens again but I guess I will just have to find a way to accept it. I almost feel like crying now but I wont because I know I am a worthwhile person even though you probably never had a chance to really see that.

 

If you change your mind at some time and would ever like to just start from scratch maybe we can be meetup/activity buddies... I would like that alot. I know you said you dont have enough friends and neither do I. I even have a few female friends that you might have a romantic interest in if you met them. The point I am saying is I am really a good person even if you dont believe that right now and I know you are a good person despite what I said to you...I never thought ( or said) you were evil or bad and I will never pass up an opportunity to make a new friend in life.

 

Well, take care and feel free to say hello if you wish and in the meantime I wish you the best in life as well

 

PS...

I forgot to mention..I dont normally have those kinds of weird confrontations with my friends either like you and I had. I think it was one of those weird things that happened due to the way things were going between us. If we started from scratch at some point as friends I doubt that would happen again. Like you said,, maybe in a "different set of circumstances" we could be great friends so maybe at some point we can make the "different circumstances" happen and who knows...we might be really great friends in the future and just laugh about how this all happened like this.

 

anyway, just wanted to add that sidenote that I forgot to mention and still continue to wish you the best in everything in the meantime. I still feel bad about all of this but everyday I am feeling better. I am actually going to a meetup today by myself just to feel even that much better."

 

 

 

I do feel bad that he said he is indifferent to me now after all these 3 or 4 months talking to each other. I asked my x boyfriend if I drive people away and am unloveable but he assured me that I am not and that it is him and not me. He is convinced that he suffers from a split personality. Well, I guess he at least forgave me and said he will be cordial with me and does not hate me. I know I will be ok soon enough. It helps to post on here. Thanks for listening. and I hope nobody posts any mean or hurtful responses back..I already know my message back to him was pretty bad.

[chumly]

...I would like to add something here and since it seems like it is mostly females on here I feel sort of comfortable to say this and I hope it is ok to say this too.....I think (or I should say) I know the other reason I have such an attraction to this man is due to not only his good looks but the level of which he tried to seduce me over the phone and on the internet. I have not been sexually active in years and he knew it and was constantly teasing me in any way and everyway he could think. He was so bad that we even said at one point when we met we would kiss and I guess he got my juices going so bad that I was about ready to do that but then suddenly he changed on me. This is the second sexy man that teased me this year!! there was one right before him that did the a very similar thing but actually even worse. I kind of talked to this man on a rebound for the first and now wound up in a similar frustrating set of circumstances.:o

 

By the way, I came in contact with both of them through the dating site Match and I only joined Match this year. Match is turning out to be a bad dating site for me and this is turning out to be a very frustrating year for me to say the least:love: and if it was not so sad it would be funny:sick::sick:

 

maybe i need to hire a male escort..lol..and maybe i would then feel betterll:laugh:

[chumly]

it kind of helps to post on here even though I know I am saying the same things over and over but for some reason I am in so much pain over someone I have never met! I know on paper it sounds crazy but I cant help my feelings. I have never been told by anyone before that they felt indifferent about me. I think I would rather someone just hate me. At least that is an emotion. Also he is supposed to be a christian..arent they supposed to love everyone!

 

I know I was rough on him in my message but he had criticized me a few times himself and I took it as constructive criticism.

 

How can I have had someone in my life for 3 or 4 months and not have had some kind of positive impact! Even though I never met him in my mind I did. He was my boyfriend in fantasy so it kind of hurts as if it really was a relationship in reality.

 

I am avoiding the email address I gave him and also the dating site we met on. I know I will be over this eventually but it still hurts like crazy right now. I think it is the rejection that hurts most of all.

 

For me it helps to stay in contact with the person when I am ending things..to at least be able to talk with them sometimes..almost like weeding off of a drug but since he seems to not want anything much to do with me I guess i have no choice then to go cold turkey. I am not used to doing things this way.

 

Anyway, thanks again for listening:(

[chumly]

..forgot to add that I am supposed to hang out with the man that lives 2 hours away on Saturday again. It will be our second time hanging out. I am actually going out his way this time because there is supposed to be a good veg restaurant there. I really hope this helps me forget about this man.

 

thanks again:(

[Versacehottie]

How can I have had someone in my life for 3 or 4 months and not have had some kind of positive impact! Even though I never met him in my mind I did. He was my boyfriend in fantasy so it kind of hurts as if it really was a relationship in reality.

 

I am avoiding the email address I gave him and also the dating site we met on. I know I will be over this eventually but it still hurts like crazy right now. I think it is the rejection that hurts most of all.

 

For me it helps to stay in contact with the person when I am ending things..to at least be able to talk with them sometimes..almost like weeding off of a drug but since he seems to not want anything much to do with me I guess i have no choice then to go cold turkey. I am not used to doing things this way.

Anyway, thanks again for listening:(

 

I think you need to ATTEMPT to view things from the other person's position--not just your own. He was in your life for 3-4 months and you were in his. In spite of all his efforts, you kept him at arms length and kept stalling on meeting him. How do you think that made him feel? Bad about himself? Exasperated with you? Disillusioned? Ready and content with giving up? I think those are some of the things he went through from his perspective. What can you learn FOR YOURSELF from realistically imagining how it may have felt to be in him in this situation with you? His feelings, as with yours, are not some FIXED entity. They morph based on many things, weighted heavily toward his interactions with you. If those are not positive or do not achieve what he is hoping for, he can lose hope or lose interest. As I said before, talking to a person, dating is a process of discovery. Sometimes you discover it would not be the right thing for you or good to pursue. The hope and feelings evolve based on what happens.

 

I also bolded above another example of only seeing things from your perspective. I think you are really just musing with this statement however, if you are not, this is not a realistic expectation. Most people don't continue to talk if a romantic relationship was in the works and is now not going to happen. That's what this was for both of you. No matter how you faux-defined it. Also it's in your best interest to not talk so you can grasp the reality that you will not be moving forward and so you can put effort into the rest of your life and other relationships.

 

You seem like a really nice person so I am surprised when you can't apply empathy to a situation or see things from his point of view. I think it sets you up for unrealistic expectations. I still think the guy this thread is about sounds like a pill or that something was not quite right with him for a variety of reasons. It makes no sense to keep trying to put the blame 100% on him when things are rarely that and you can only change yourself. Also your ex is not doing you any real favors when he says it's 100% this guy. Sometimes people hurt you more when they keep letting you live life in a way that does not serve you.

 

ps. regarding your vegan guy from other thread. I'm glad as you said in this one that you have something planned to take your mind of this and move your life forward. That said, don't overthink it.(as is going on your other thread) If you think you have enough information to make the final call about him than do that. If you don't, then go. Maybe go with the idea in mind that you can legitimately tell him you'd be better as real friends only since you don't feel attraction toward him. Personally, I think you know already but are just trying to force things. You can still have a good time with him as a friend and be honest with him so as not to lead him on anymore. Time to stop being wishy-washy.

[chumly]

I think you need to ATTEMPT to view things from the other person's position--not just your own. He was in your life for 3-4 months and you were in his. In spite of all his efforts, you kept him at arms length and kept stalling on meeting him. How do you think that made him feel? Bad about himself? Exasperated with you? Disillusioned? Ready and content with giving up? I think those are some of the things he went through from his perspective. What can you learn FOR YOURSELF from realistically imagining how it may have felt to be in him in this situation with you? His feelings, as with yours, are not some FIXED entity. They morph based on many things, weighted heavily toward his interactions with you. If those are not positive or do not achieve what he is hoping for, he can lose hope or lose interest. As I said before, talking to a person, dating is a process of discovery. Sometimes you discover it would not be the right thing for you or good to pursue. The hope and feelings evolve based on what happens.

 

I also bolded above another example of only seeing things from your perspective. I think you are really just musing with this statement however, if you are not, this is not a realistic expectation. Most people don't continue to talk if a romantic relationship was in the works and is now not going to happen. That's what this was for both of you. No matter how you faux-defined it. Also it's in your best interest to not talk so you can grasp the reality that you will not be moving forward and so you can put effort into the rest of your life and other relationships.

 

You seem like a really nice person so I am surprised when you can't apply empathy to a situation or see things from his point of view. I think it sets you up for unrealistic expectations. I still think the guy this thread is about sounds like a pill or that something was not quite right with him for a variety of reasons. It makes no sense to keep trying to put the blame 100% on him when things are rarely that and you can only change yourself. Also your ex is not doing you any real favors when he says it's 100% this guy. Sometimes people hurt you more when they keep letting you live life in a way that does not serve you.

 

ps. regarding your vegan guy from other thread. I'm glad as you said in this one that you have something planned to take your mind of this and move your life forward. That said, don't overthink it.(as is going on your other thread) If you think you have enough information to make the final call about him than do that. If you don't, then go. Maybe go with the idea in mind that you can legitimately tell him you'd be better as real friends only since you don't feel attraction toward him. Personally, I think you know already but are just trying to force things. You can still have a good time with him as a friend and be honest with him so as not to lead him on anymore. Time to stop being wishy-washy.

 

 

thanks so much Vesacehottie, for helping so much once again! yes, I suppose I do see things from his perspecitive and thanks for some added insight as well. I am not sure why I have a need to be friends with everyone that has ever entered in my life but for some reason I do. He even admits in his message to me that the communications started as ecstatic but it was really him that was ecstatic about me...he kept messaging,calling and communicating with me non stop in the beginning. I just responded initially to be polite but then he lured me in. I was out of town for about 1 and 1/2 months so we obviously could not meet then but we had very lengthy phone conversations in that time. I really thought we were friends at that point and he even said we were...I remember he kept saying when we meet it will be like old teary eyed friends reuniting at an airport. However, he started changing when he seen a video of me ..he claims he changed because I got upset that he did not remark about it but I feel he changed when he seen it. Either way, we were still in contact then but it slowly started deteriorating after that and the more he distanced himself from me the less I wanted to meet him so it was kind of like a strange catch 22 situation...but I guess the more I delayed meeting the less he felt for me.

 

I do see things in his perspective though but I honestly thought we already were friends..I told him so much about myself and it seemed like he did the same..I guess I still had that belief due to his original thoughts on it. I also never had someone like me so much like that to the point of almost infactuation (as he said in another message) and then go down from there..it is usually the other way around..where they like me more once they know me. I am shocked because I dont think my pics are even that wonderful for someone to get that head over heals about..lol:) I think my personality is so much better than any of my outward qualities and I think I have always prided myself on feeling like I had a good personality that can win anybody over ...I think it kind of hurts my ego that this is not what happened this time,,in fact, just the opposite.:confused:

 

but like you said, I guess i see his point and my last message was really rough on him so I can also see where he might have been extremely offended. Although everything I said was completely true..I can still see where he would be offended. However, I would not have been offended if it were me because i can handle constructive criticism but I guess not everyone has the same attitude about that as I.

 

I guess the other part is I am also now wondering if I let an opportunity pass me by too by waiting too long to meet him?? I am wondering now if I made a mistake?? I am wondering if maybe we could have at least been friends if we had met?? all these questions are now going through my mind making me uncertain that I did the right things with him now. Well, I know for sure I should not have talked to him for so long on the phone or the internet ..so I know now that that was a big mistake, as you have said Versacehottie and others on here as well, but now I am wondering if I really should have at least met him?? I think the last few weeks i was heavily influenced by my x boyfriend who kept trying to convince me that he thinks meeting him with my frame of mind and whatever problems he apparently has would be a huge mistake. He practically convinced me that I would be even more of a emotional wreck if I had met him. I am not sure but i guess I will never know now. I guess there is a sense of loss that I have over the whole thing though and lots of "what if??" questions...but at the same time I suppose that I can also look at it that since I left the door open to him..if he does not respond to my invite to at least be friends than maybe it really was not meant to be. i know he wants more than friends with people and so do I but I would think he would be happy to also have a friend too.

 

Well, either way I guess it is a learning experience and i do actually feel bad for how I was to him in alot of ways and I can definitely understand his frustration. I know I will eventually get passed all this.

 

thanks Versacehottie, for the advice about this other man too. yes, I suppose it will be good for me to go and hang out with someone else even if they are boring..it is better than staying at home and being on the computer anyway and moping about this other man and like you said, since I am still undecided on it I might as well go and find out..maybe he will even surprise me and be more fun this time since it will be our 2nd time hanging out.

 

Anyway, thanks again Versacehottie for always being such a HUGE help to everyone on here. You are a true angel for helping all us lost souls like this!! thanks again;);)

[chumly]

Versacehottie...I meant to also say that I see what you mean about my need for staying friends with others and how that is not always a realistic hope. Of course there will be situations where this is possible but not everyone is wanting to do that kind of thing. I know this man seemed to talk about a lady that he met from the same site that he was just a kayaking buddy with. Although I thought he initially told me he thought she was attractive but then at a later time he told me he was not attracted to her at all and that he only enjoyed hanging out with her as a friend ( I guess this was one of his many inconsistencies to me) but either way, the last thing he said was that he was not attracted to her but enjoyed being friends with her. For some reason I envied her position though...as strange as that is to hear...I guess because it seemed like he truly "liked" her and enjoyed being with her as opposed to me where it started to seem like if there was no romantic interest that might be the end.

My need to be friends with people is to do with not being able to let go. I have such problems with letting go of things even when they are bad for me.

There is quite a bit of other reasons that i got so attached to him too...we had at one point promised each other that we would go on 10 dates with each other and not judge each other on all those dates because we really wanted to give each other a chance to get to know each other without making any superficial decisions. Looking back it was not a very realistic plan but it caused me to fantasize about him even more. I think that is what caused me to feel a bit like his girlfriend prior to meeting. I know he said he felt like he was my boyfriend but like i said, all of these plans started to crumble to pieces as things started to deteriorate. Anyway, just wanted to mention that part so you might understand a bit more why I got into such a fantasy state with him and developed such a need to keep in contact with him.

Like I said, I know I will get passed all this but it still hurts for now.

thanks so much for all your help Versacihottie and for also all the listening. This forum and mainly you, are a Godsend!! thanks again:)

[Versacehottie]

thanks so much Vesacehottie, for helping so much once again! yes, I suppose I do see things from his perspecitive and thanks for some added insight as well. I am not sure why I have a need to be friends with everyone that has ever entered in my life but for some reason I do. He even admits in his message to me that the communications started as ecstatic but it was really him that was ecstatic about me...he kept messaging,calling and communicating with me non stop in the beginning. I just responded initially to be polite but then he lured me in. I was out of town for about 1 and 1/2 months so we obviously could not meet then but we had very lengthy phone conversations in that time. I really thought we were friends at that point and he even said we were...I remember he kept saying when we meet it will be like old teary eyed friends reuniting at an airport. However, he started changing when he seen a video of me ..he claims he changed because I got upset that he did not remark about it but I feel he changed when he seen it. Either way, we were still in contact then but it slowly started deteriorating after that and the more he distanced himself from me the less I wanted to meet him so it was kind of like a strange catch 22 situation...but I guess the more I delayed meeting the less he felt for me.

 

I do see things in his perspective though but I honestly thought we already were friends..I told him so much about myself and it seemed like he did the same..I guess I still had that belief due to his original thoughts on it. I also never had someone like me so much like that to the point of almost infactuation (as he said in another message) and then go down from there..it is usually the other way around..where they like me more once they know me. I am shocked because I dont think my pics are even that wonderful for someone to get that head over heals about..lol:) I think my personality is so much better than any of my outward qualities and I think I have always prided myself on feeling like I had a good personality that can win anybody over ...I think it kind of hurts my ego that this is not what happened this time,,in fact, just the opposite.:confused:

 

but like you said, I guess i see his point and my last message was really rough on him so I can also see where he might have been extremely offended. Although everything I said was completely true..I can still see where he would be offended. However, I would not have been offended if it were me because i can handle constructive criticism but I guess not everyone has the same attitude about that as I.

 

I guess the other part is I am also now wondering if I let an opportunity pass me by too by waiting too long to meet him?? I am wondering now if I made a mistake?? I am wondering if maybe we could have at least been friends if we had met?? all these questions are now going through my mind making me uncertain that I did the right things with him now. Well, I know for sure I should not have talked to him for so long on the phone or the internet ..so I know now that that was a big mistake, as you have said Versacehottie and others on here as well, but now I am wondering if I really should have at least met him?? I think the last few weeks i was heavily influenced by my x boyfriend who kept trying to convince me that he thinks meeting him with my frame of mind and whatever problems he apparently has would be a huge mistake. He practically convinced me that I would be even more of a emotional wreck if I had met him. I am not sure but i guess I will never know now. I guess there is a sense of loss that I have over the whole thing though and lots of "what if??" questions...but at the same time I suppose that I can also look at it that since I left the door open to him..if he does not respond to my invite to at least be friends than maybe it really was not meant to be. i know he wants more than friends with people and so do I but I would think he would be happy to also have a friend too.

 

Well, either way I guess it is a learning experience and i do actually feel bad for how I was to him in alot of ways and I can definitely understand his frustration. I know I will eventually get passed all this.

 

thanks Versacehottie, for the advice about this other man too. yes, I suppose it will be good for me to go and hang out with someone else even if they are boring..it is better than staying at home and being on the computer anyway and moping about this other man and like you said, since I am still undecided on it I might as well go and find out..maybe he will even surprise me and be more fun this time since it will be our 2nd time hanging out.

 

Anyway, thanks again Versacehottie for always being such a HUGE help to everyone on here. You are a true angel for helping all us lost souls like this!! thanks again;);)

 

Thank you for the kind compliments. Ok, in a way i think you are ruminating and rehash and rehashing things. Part of that can be healing and then there's a part where it's not helpful. Maybe put a time limit on yourself? Like set a two week deadline for yourself for which you will kinda of mourn the loss of "this" and after that put it behind you ACTIVELY. Also during each day of the two weeks (or whatever time frame you find suitable--I think two weeks is plenty), set aside time for thinking about it, like 10-20 MINUTES. That way you will not let it consume your day or invade your thoughts. And it will be easier to break away from them at the deadline time. I think you need to work on this now.

 

Even if you two were already "friends", a relationship is still a fluid thing. Feelings will ebb and flow based on what happens. They are not fixed. Friends fall out of like too. I would also say you still take so much on the LABEL you put on the "friendship" when that was not the way you two exchanged with each other. You promised each other romantic things. Even if he did the talking, you allowed it. The connotation was never really friendship. You were in consideration for a future romantic interest (maybe near future for him) and he was in consideration for future romantic interest (maybe more distant future from your perspective). But you each led each other on. You never had a real friendship to revert back to. Even with the other woman he dated, then rejected, they agreed to be friends. Guessing there was mutual respect but no real chemistry and similar interests and that kind of vibe. AND an honest, respectful discussion the way out of being each other's romantic interest possibilities. Maybe you guys could have that but I wouldn't count on it. I also think it wouldn't be healthy for you--because those are not your real intentions.

 

Number 1 bolded: NO, everything you said in your first harsh message to him was not true. You made assumptions and put words in his mouth. Part of the reason it became impossible (near to;one never knows completely) to salvage. With the statement of this, it doesn't seem like you can see things from his perspective or your own wrongdoing in this. You accused him of lots of things out of hurt and your frustration. That's not really ok. AND if you believe yourself to the core that you are 100% interpreting his every action toward you correctly and said all the harsh things toward him in truth, then you shouldn't want anything to do with him. I wouldn't call what you said to him constructive criticism at all. please pick up a book on good communication. (i do get that he may have criticized you in the past--two wrongs don't make a right but anyhow the majority of what you said to him was not criticism really but you deducing what was going on in his mind, in a hyper critical fashion, yes). I'm also concerned that when I saw his message back to you, it was pretty measured and an example of good communication (even if he's telling you he doesn't see a future with you)--so I am wondering WAS he really critical of you before or were you hyper-analyzing what he said to you in the past and making lots of assumptions, like your message to him. Anyway, we only have your version. Not blaming--it doesn't even matter anymore. I just think for your own benefit you might be reading into things that happen and putting tons of your own spin onto things. Also not good. Get a book, see a therapist.

 

Number 2 bolded: YES, I thought you understood this. This is the primary thing I have been going on about. Yes, you waited too long. Mistrust crept in and momentum got jacked up. And of course you should have met him for tons of reasons. I don't think you should hold out hope for that now though or pin your hopes or put effort into trying to make that happen. He was pretty clear.

 

Number 3: the other man. Remember he's a human with good intentions (so far) who's only been kind to you even if he is "boring". If you don't know, give him a fair shot this weekend. If you DO know, treat him with respect and let him know--don't use him or lead him on. BE a friend. See things from his perspective. Karma does exist. And even if you get away with things now and then, this person doesn't deserve to be used. BE a friend. Don't just think of yourself. I hope he does surprise you but if he doesn't take responsibility and do the more difficult thing and be honest.

 

Thanks for saying the nice things about me. I like to help people. I'm not sure if whatever I'm trying to say is making it through though. Just being honest. I still wish you the best and want to respond.

 

I'm glad you are learning and of course you will get through this. My hope is that it will be a bit enlightened about yourself so you can have the life you want and be happy.

[chumly]

Thank you for the kind compliments. Ok, in a way i think you are ruminating and rehash and rehashing things. Part of that can be healing and then there's a part where it's not helpful. Maybe put a time limit on yourself? Like set a two week deadline for yourself for which you will kinda of mourn the loss of "this" and after that put it behind you ACTIVELY. Also during each day of the two weeks (or whatever time frame you find suitable--I think two weeks is plenty), set aside time for thinking about it, like 10-20 MINUTES. That way you will not let it consume your day or invade your thoughts. And it will be easier to break away from them at the deadline time. I think you need to work on this now.

 

Even if you two were already "friends", a relationship is still a fluid thing. Feelings will ebb and flow based on what happens. They are not fixed. Friends fall out of like too. I would also say you still take so much on the LABEL you put on the "friendship" when that was not the way you two exchanged with each other. You promised each other romantic things. Even if he did the talking, you allowed it. The connotation was never really friendship. You were in consideration for a future romantic interest (maybe near future for him) and he was in consideration for future romantic interest (maybe more distant future from your perspective). But you each led each other on. You never had a real friendship to revert back to. Even with the other woman he dated, then rejected, they agreed to be friends. Guessing there was mutual respect but no real chemistry and similar interests and that kind of vibe. AND an honest, respectful discussion the way out of being each other's romantic interest possibilities. Maybe you guys could have that but I wouldn't count on it. I also think it wouldn't be healthy for you--because those are not your real intentions.

 

Number 1 bolded: NO, everything you said in your first harsh message to him was not true. You made assumptions and put words in his mouth. Part of the reason it became impossible (near to;one never knows completely) to salvage. With the statement of this, it doesn't seem like you can see things from his perspective or your own wrongdoing in this. You accused him of lots of things out of hurt and your frustration. That's not really ok. AND if you believe yourself to the core that you are 100% interpreting his every action toward you correctly and said all the harsh things toward him in truth, then you shouldn't want anything to do with him. I wouldn't call what you said to him constructive criticism at all. please pick up a book on good communication. (i do get that he may have criticized you in the past--two wrongs don't make a right but anyhow the majority of what you said to him was not criticism really but you deducing what was going on in his mind, in a hyper critical fashion, yes). I'm also concerned that when I saw his message back to you, it was pretty measured and an example of good communication (even if he's telling you he doesn't see a future with you)--so I am wondering WAS he really critical of you before or were you hyper-analyzing what he said to you in the past and making lots of assumptions, like your message to him. Anyway, we only have your version. Not blaming--it doesn't even matter anymore. I just think for your own benefit you might be reading into things that happen and putting tons of your own spin onto things. Also not good. Get a book, see a therapist.

 

Number 2 bolded: YES, I thought you understood this. This is the primary thing I have been going on about. Yes, you waited too long. Mistrust crept in and momentum got jacked up. And of course you should have met him for tons of reasons. I don't think you should hold out hope for that now though or pin your hopes or put effort into trying to make that happen. He was pretty clear.

 

Number 3: the other man. Remember he's a human with good intentions (so far) who's only been kind to you even if he is "boring". If you don't know, give him a fair shot this weekend. If you DO know, treat him with respect and let him know--don't use him or lead him on. BE a friend. See things from his perspective. Karma does exist. And even if you get away with things now and then, this person doesn't deserve to be used. BE a friend. Don't just think of yourself. I hope he does surprise you but if he doesn't take responsibility and do the more difficult thing and be honest.

 

Thanks for saying the nice things about me. I like to help people. I'm not sure if whatever I'm trying to say is making it through though. Just being honest. I still wish you the best and want to respond.

 

I'm glad you are learning and of course you will get through this. My hope is that it will be a bit enlightened about yourself so you can have the life you want and be happy.

 

 

Thanks so much once again Versacihottie. I think the most difficult part to read in your message to me was when you said you dont think there is any hope of me and this man every being in connection anymore. ..unless I misread that...I hope you are wrong about that and that this whole thing will somehow have a more positive ending than what seems to have occurred here.. I have a need to have a positive ending with everything.

 

The things I said in my harsh message to him was based on my experience with him. He was very inconsistent with me which caused alot of miscommunication from me and caused me to stall meeting him..I wanted him to understand that because I thought it would help him with future relationships with people (he seems to have experienced alot of rejection from women he liked so I thought this might help him out) and he also talked about looks quite often when talking about women..and only seemed to treat people he was romantically interested with the respect we all deserve... I thought that was hypocritical against christianity. I did apologize while saying these things to him and even admitted to him that I could be wrong with my interpretations of him. I also thought he would take it as constructive because another lady told him he talked about himself too much and he immediately tried to change after that...I was hoping this would have the same affect. I also thought that his fantasizing of me, that I discouraged as much as I possibly could was very hurtful since his feelings for me seemed to only be based on that as it has turned out..he actually admitted I was correct in my interpretation of that too...this made his feelings for me less then genuine and caused alot of unecessary pain for me. Maybe I can post the message I sent to him so you can see how I put it together but it is really really long though. I will admit that I was probably wrong with how I interpreted some aspects of his feelings for me though but I never thought and never said he was evil ...I think he has some very nice qualities so that is why I still want to be in contact with him...or at least that is why i think i want to be in contact with him anyway. I know I fantasized about him as well but I still had genuine feelings for him unlike him for me. I guess this is the difference I see between us. I am just hoping he will be more careful in the future with his over romantic ways with women before really knowing them. I know I learned not to believe such stuff so easily again.

 

Thanks for the advice on how to get over this and how to set up a schedule to reduce thinking and obsessing over this. I should probably mention though that I do suffer from OCD so some of this is going to probably be a bit more of a challenge for me but I will try anything at this point and I also think a good conversation with an interesting person might be all I need at this point but this is proving to be such a difficult task.

 

Yes, I will definitely treat this other man with respect and I do respect him.He is a very nice person with a similar mind set as myself. I am hoping very much that he will be less boring this weekend but I will certainly give things more of a chance at this point.

 

Anyway, thanks again Versacehottie. I find your advice interesting because I get the feeling that you seem to understand this mans mindset perhaps more than I do so I almost feel like I am getting a better understanding of his views by hearing your thoughts on this. Like I said, the only part I hope you are wrong about is the possibility of reconnecting as at least friends in the future...even if it is just to say a quick hello online every now and than. Right now the thought of that possibly happening is kind of helping me feel better...eventually i am hoping that kind of thing wont matter to me but right now I seem to have a need to believe it will happen.

 

I also wonder if he thinks about me at all anymore?? or am i really completely out of his mind as he said. that part really hurt me.

 

Anyway, thanks again Versacehottie for your usual helpful advice.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks so much once again Versacihottie. I think the most difficult part to read in your message to me was when you said you dont think there is any hope of me and this man every being in connection anymore. ..unless I misread that...I hope you are wrong about that and that this whole thing will somehow have a more positive ending than what seems to have occurred here.. I have a need to have a positive ending with everything.

 

The things I said in my harsh message to him was based on my experience with him. He was very inconsistent with me which caused alot of miscommunication from me and caused me to stall meeting him..I wanted him to understand that because I thought it would help him with future relationships with people (he seems to have experienced alot of rejection from women he liked so I thought this might help him out) and he also talked about looks quite often when talking about women..and only seemed to treat people he was romantically interested with the respect we all deserve... I thought that was hypocritical against christianity. I did apologize while saying these things to him and even admitted to him that I could be wrong with my interpretations of him. I also thought he would take it as constructive because another lady told him he talked about himself too much and he immediately tried to change after that...I was hoping this would have the same affect. I also thought that his fantasizing of me, that I discouraged as much as I possibly could was very hurtful since his feelings for me seemed to only be based on that as it has turned out..he actually admitted I was correct in my interpretation of that too...this made his feelings for me less then genuine and caused alot of unecessary pain for me. Maybe I can post the message I sent to him so you can see how I put it together but it is really really long though. I will admit that I was probably wrong with how I interpreted some aspects of his feelings for me though but I never thought and never said he was evil ...I think he has some very nice qualities so that is why I still want to be in contact with him...or at least that is why i think i want to be in contact with him anyway. I know I fantasized about him as well but I still had genuine feelings for him unlike him for me. I guess this is the difference I see between us. I am just hoping he will be more careful in the future with his over romantic ways with women before really knowing them. I know I learned not to believe such stuff so easily again.

 

Thanks for the advice on how to get over this and how to set up a schedule to reduce thinking and obsessing over this. I should probably mention though that I do suffer from OCD so some of this is going to probably be a bit more of a challenge for me but I will try anything at this point and I also think a good conversation with an interesting person might be all I need at this point but this is proving to be such a difficult task.

 

Yes, I will definitely treat this other man with respect and I do respect him.He is a very nice person with a similar mind set as myself. I am hoping very much that he will be less boring this weekend but I will certainly give things more of a chance at this point.

 

Anyway, thanks again Versacehottie. I find your advice interesting because I get the feeling that you seem to understand this mans mindset perhaps more than I do so I almost feel like I am getting a better understanding of his views by hearing your thoughts on this. Like I said, the only part I hope you are wrong about is the possibility of reconnecting as at least friends in the future...even if it is just to say a quick hello online every now and than. Right now the thought of that possibly happening is kind of helping me feel better...eventually i am hoping that kind of thing wont matter to me but right now I seem to have a need to believe it will happen.

 

I also wonder if he thinks about me at all anymore?? or am i really completely out of his mind as he said. that part really hurt me.

 

Anyway, thanks again Versacehottie for your usual helpful advice.

 

I think you are holding onto hope of friendship with him so that you can rekindle feelings with him. You are not really letting him go. I'm not a fortune teller so I don't know what the future holds exactly. But I do think for now, his message to you was clear. If I was a betting person, I would go with that--which is that he is not interested in contact with you. Even with your second message kind of apologize, I only think he agreed because you were pleading for a friendship or some future contact. I just think he said that to get you off his back, TBH.

 

So yeah, it sounds like you are completely ruminating and that this "thing" with him is growing bigger and more important to you. That you are even more in limerence with the thought of him. I think it's not healthy for you. Important to actively address moving away from thoughts of him. The most important thing in your romantic life should be reseting yourself, putting him out of your mind so you can move forward with as clean a slate as possible to meet someone else. It should not be concern for what the future of your "friendship" with him is. Let's be honest with each other. That's not why you want to be friends. You mean it in the same way you did initially--so that you have a romantic chance with him. And possibly don't like being rejected. You are holding pretty tight onto the idea that he did stuff wrong. Not sure why you want to be "friends" with someone like this then.

 

A lot of his message to you was refuting your interpretation of events and giving you his explanation. I don't want to speculate if he still thinks about you--that doesn't move you toward any goal of getting over him. Thanks again for the kind words. I might post less though--I think this continued discussion is FUELING your feelings toward him at this point so want to be careful not to contribute to that. I know you need to get over him. Ok, have a good day!

[chumly]

Thanks so much Versacehottie, you are always such a help and not just to me but everyone apparently. It is so kind of you to take the time out to help like that.

 

I think I am beginning to feel better slowly but surely. Of course I still think of him and still have all those "what ifs??" in my mind about whether I made the right choice about not meeting him. I know that you thought I should have but the reason by x boyfriend was opposed to the idea is because he knows me and how emotional and senstive I am...some of this is due to my OCD. He kind of felt that considering my emotional state and what appears to be some kind of mental condition that this man suffered from that it would not be a wise choice for me to have met him. Not to say, that he does not think I should meet anybody at all ....but just not him with the way things were going. He thinks I would be in worse shape now if I had met him. However, You made some good arguments as to why I should have met him but he had some good point as to why I should not have. The whole thing was a bit confusing. Well, either way I guess whats done is done now.

 

I guess you are right..my wanting to remain friends with him is due to my hope of their being some potential for a romance down the line. For some reason I am so attracted to his pics and some of the stuff he said to me. It is so annoying because I really do not want to be!! I think I am also worried that maybe I wont find someone else that I will feel this attracted to again. I know I never met him in real life so I now have no way of knowing if I would have felt this way upon meeting him but based on the video and all the things he said to me i am almost certain I would have and I think this also may have contributed to my acting a bit more neurotic about him. I try not to place too much importance on that normally but I will admit that it is nice when you have that attraction like that. I wonder if alot of people feel this way when they end relationships?? and worry that they wont find someone else they feel this way about? I am hoping that this is all in my head and that it was just my fantasy about him that clouded my judgement and made him seem so attractive to me and that I will definitely meet someone I feel even better about in the future.

 

I also agree that the rejection is now playing a big part in the pain I am feeling. It may even be making him appear more attractive in a weird sort of way. Like everyone else in this world, I hate rejection...and the very act of rejection automatically makes me want what I cant have. Anyway, in the meantime..I am actively trying to move on with my life..for one thing, I have not even checked the email address that he has for me...the last time I checked that email was in the early afternoon after I sent him the last email that I posted here so I dont even know if he responded back or not to my request of being activity buddies at this point. I dont want to check because it will make me feel sad if he did not respond and confused if he did. Maybe in a week or two I will be emotionally ready to check the emails. Hopefully if he did respond back he is not waiting around for a message back from me and realizes that his last cold message to me was a bit off putting. I also have not gone on the dating site that he goes on. One reason is because I always see his pic when I first go on..and I dont want to have to look at that right now. There are other dating sites I can use in the meantime anyway. I have also been sleeping better now too..at first I was having problems sleeping...I kind of kept waking with a horrible pain in my heart but that does not seem to be as much of an issue now.

 

There is also a few people I have been talking to a bit on the other dating sites and that kind of helps in a way. in fact, there is a man that lives in Indiana that I gave my phone # to. I live in SC . anyway, he tried to call but I was not home at the time. I am hoping that maybe if I talk to him it might help in a way too. I am hoping to talk to him sometime over the weekend. I am also thinking of giving myself a bit of a break from all the dating sites now too and will try and focus more on just attending meetups and things like that for now. or perhaps focus more on just the vegetarian dating sites where I seem to have better luck meeting more like minded people anyway. that is the site where I met this nice man that lives 2 hours away. I seem to connect better with those I meet from there as opposed to the other mainstream sites.

 

Anyway, I know you said you will probably post less but I just wanted to update you about things and thankyou again so much for being such an angel and for all the help and insight into everything. I really appreciate everything. I will keep you and everyone else posted.:

Edited August 12, 2016 by chumly

[katiegrl]

Chumly, with love hun, all these protracted posts reminiscing and rehashing your RL, your feelings, your what ifs, etc. are keeping you STUCK, and preventing you from moving on.

 

It's good to write your feelings down for a little while, but after awhile you just gotta let it go. Pick yourself up, shake it off and carry on. Otherwise as I said, you remain stuck... which is where imo you are now.

 

Bordering on obsession even.

 

Force yourself to stop thinking about it, stop posting about it, get out, get busy, take up a new hobby, join meet ups, start responding to other posters in an attempt to help them!

 

In helping others, you help yourself too.

 

I have BTDT so I know.

 

I understand these on line interactions/relationships can be intense, and real feelings can develop..... but seriously girl, it's time to stop rehashing, let it go and start living your life again.

 

Wishing you the best as you stop looking back, and instead move forward!

Edited August 12, 2016 by katiegrl