am I justified to want another conversation with this man if I am going to meet him??

July 24, 2016

thanks so much for the great advice everyone! I dont have alot of time right now but wanted to thank everyone for this!!

Disillusionment373 ..you are so very sweet. Thanks for all of your encouragement. I honestly wish I had a friend like you in my life!! Where can i meet someone like you??

Versacehottie...Thanks so much! you are so brilliantly insightful!! what you have said here is exactly one of the last things he said to me...the he does not have the enthusiasm about meeting me that he once did because I kept postponing it and he even used the words that you did..(he feels I am stringing him along and does not want to get his hopes up about meeting me if it is not going to happen and that it seems to be one excuse after another with me). I guess i did procratinate because i was truly unsure of him due to all the red flag things he said. I also felt myself getting obsessive about him due to all his sweet talk and I was not sure if meeting him might make myself worse. This is why I really thought another phone call where i can hear his voice tone and attitude might help me to figure it out more. However, It seems as though he was feeling just as you had said. I guess I am just so surprised at the same time though since he seemed so very interested in meeting me that he would not be willing to invest another phone conversation to allow that to possibly happen. ..but i know that in one of his emails he said he thinks we should stop all the phone conversations and just meet. ..but at the same time one of the other last things he said to me was that he missed me too and this was in response to my saying that I missed talking to him on the phone. you would think if he really felt that way he would happily call me. That part kind of baffles me. However, I think u r right on the money with your analysis of him and u r so right about me taking so long to meet people. I am just so afraid of rejection so this is my way of dealing with it. I wish i could find a simpler way of getting passed that fear. I guess i need to really analyze myself and figure out a better game plan since like you said, many men wont stick around for me until i am ready like this. but on the other hand..it might be a good test to see if the person is worthwhile too and truly likes me. I would think if someone truly likes me they would be willing to invest the time that it takes. I actually thought this guy was one of the ones that felt that way about me and I am a bit heartbroken and disappointed to find out that he is probably not. However, you are right with everything you said....I guess I got some thinking to do. Thanks so much. By the way, are you a therapist? you just seem so insightful about all of this. Thanks so much for all your help here..it makes it so worth me coming on here!

Gaeta...thanks so much too! I think you make an excellent point as well! i think that was my dilemma with him all along and why I kept procrastinating. I was just so unsure if he was worth the risk. he used to call me all the time but I guess he is feeling as Versacehottie pointed out and he is fed up with feeling like i am stringing him along. maybe my instincts were right to feel this way though and maybe i need to trust my instincts on him too. I have never communicated this long with someone that did not result in a meeting by now. I guess there must be a good reason that this has not happened as of yet. I know there are other fish in the sea and i know i will eventually meet one that will be worth my while. Thanks so much for the insight and help with this too.

as a side note...this man made a video for me a while back and I played that video for a friend of mine and my friend said that he picked up that something is "off" with this man. My friend said he seems like he might have some kind of emotional or mental issues. Maybe this is what I was picking up about him without realizing it and this may be one of the reasons that I was so hesitant. I never did find him very smart even though he would use fancy words all the time..so this may very well be the core issue here.

Thanks once again everyone:D

Edited July 24, 2016 by chumly

July 25, 2016

thanks so much for the great advice everyone! I dont have alot of time right now but wanted to thank everyone for this!!

Disillusionment373 ..you are so very sweet. Thanks for all of your encouragement. I honestly wish I had a friend like you in my life!! Where can i meet someone like you??

Versacehottie...Thanks so much! you are so brilliantly insightful!! what you have said here is exactly one of the last things he said to me...the he does not have the enthusiasm about meeting me that he once did because I kept postponing it and he even used the words that you did..(he feels I am stringing him along and does not want to get his hopes up about meeting me if it is not going to happen and that it seems to be one excuse after another with me). I guess i did procratinate because i was truly unsure of him due to all the red flag things he said. I also felt myself getting obsessive about him due to all his sweet talk and I was not sure if meeting him might make myself worse. This is why I really thought another phone call where i can hear his voice tone and attitude might help me to figure it out more. However, It seems as though he was feeling just as you had said. I guess I am just so surprised at the same time though since he seemed so very interested in meeting me that he would not be willing to invest another phone conversation to allow that to possibly happen. ..but i know that in one of his emails he said he thinks we should stop all the phone conversations and just meet. ..but at the same time one of the other last things he said to me was that he missed me too and this was in response to my saying that I missed talking to him on the phone. you would think if he really felt that way he would happily call me. That part kind of baffles me. However, I think u r right on the money with your analysis of him and u r so right about me taking so long to meet people. I am just so afraid of rejection so this is my way of dealing with it. I wish i could find a simpler way of getting passed that fear. I guess i need to really analyze myself and figure out a better game plan since like you said, many men wont stick around for me until i am ready like this. but on the other hand..it might be a good test to see if the person is worthwhile too and truly likes me. I would think if someone truly likes me they would be willing to invest the time that it takes. I actually thought this guy was one of the ones that felt that way about me and I am a bit heartbroken and disappointed to find out that he is probably not. However, you are right with everything you said....I guess I got some thinking to do. Thanks so much. By the way, are you a therapist? you just seem so insightful about all of this. Thanks so much for all your help here..it makes it so worth me coming on here!

Gaeta...thanks so much too! I think you make an excellent point as well! i think that was my dilemma with him all along and why I kept procrastinating. I was just so unsure if he was worth the risk. he used to call me all the time but I guess he is feeling as Versacehottie pointed out and he is fed up with feeling like i am stringing him along. maybe my instincts were right to feel this way though and maybe i need to trust my instincts on him too. I have never communicated this long with someone that did not result in a meeting by now. I guess there must be a good reason that this has not happened as of yet. I know there are other fish in the sea and i know i will eventually meet one that will be worth my while. Thanks so much for the insight and help with this too.

as a side note...this man made a video for me a while back and I played that video for a friend of mine and my friend said that he picked up that something is "off" with this man. My friend said he seems like he might have some kind of emotional or mental issues. Maybe this is what I was picking up about him without realizing it and this may be one of the reasons that I was so hesitant. I never did find him very smart even though he would use fancy words all the time..so this may very well be the core issue here.

Thanks once again everyone:D

lol, not a therapist. I do like to think I pay attention to what I see going on between the lines and I like people's stories etc so you learn a lot. I think you really need to put yourself in his shoes. It does feel like a test and that you are making him audition. I think it's important at an extent to roll with momentum as that is part of what creates chemistry. You also need to be aware of all the things you do--how will it make the other person perceive you. It's a two way process after all. Just being honest, but lots of back and forth, being neurotic about taking a simple step as a first date can become unattractive and fair enough if the other person thinks it is. I think if things start being adversarial (as it seems like they have about the phone call) before you have even met, it's over. In my book, it would be rare that anything worked out at this point.

I would just write this guy off, as i think it is too late (he would bug me with the medicine stuff and him digging his heels in about the phone call but on the other hand you are insisting on it too--so not attractive for both of you on that). I think in the future you need to ask yourself if you are being reasonable and in the range of what other women would require before a first date. I'm not saying don't be yourself but some compromise and consider the other person would probably help. More so, for you regardless of the outcome--you need to do things that involve more risk in dating so that you gain confidence and get a grip on what your "gut" feeling is. Anyway, you are getting there. Like I said, learn from this. You do need to speed up your answers (to go or not to go) to much quicker for sure. Good luck

to add: best way to get past fear is to just DO it. Especially in this case. Think of your hike. That is momentum for how you feel about yourself and your dating capabilities. If you keep taking risks like that, your confidence about dating will grow and you will stop fearing it.

Edited July 25, 2016 by Versacehottie

July 25, 2016

lol, not a therapist. I do like to think I pay attention to what I see going on between the lines and I like people's stories etc so you learn a lot. I think you really need to put yourself in his shoes. It does feel like a test and that you are making him audition. I think it's important at an extent to roll with momentum as that is part of what creates chemistry. You also need to be aware of all the things you do--how will it make the other person perceive you. It's a two way process after all. Just being honest, but lots of back and forth, being neurotic about taking a simple step as a first date can become unattractive and fair enough if the other person thinks it is. I think if things start being adversarial (as it seems like they have about the phone call) before you have even met, it's over. In my book, it would be rare that anything worked out at this point.

I would just write this guy off, as i think it is too late (he would bug me with the medicine stuff and him digging his heels in about the phone call but on the other hand you are insisting on it too--so not attractive for both of you on that). I think in the future you need to ask yourself if you are being reasonable and in the range of what other women would require before a first date. I'm not saying don't be yourself but some compromise and consider the other person would probably help. More so, for you regardless of the outcome--you need to do things that involve more risk in dating so that you gain confidence and get a grip on what your "gut" feeling is. Anyway, you are getting there. Like I said, learn from this. You do need to speed up your answers (to go or not to go) to much quicker for sure. Good luck

to add: best way to get past fear is to just DO it. Especially in this case. Think of your hike. That is momentum for how you feel about yourself and your dating capabilities. If you keep taking risks like that, your confidence about dating will grow and you will stop fearing it.

thanks so much for the added insight once again! You are an absolute angel to help a stranger like this and like i said, extremely intelligent as well.

Believe it or not, i did get a few emails from this man and he still wants to meet me and he wanted me to call him. I dont like to ignore anybody so i responded and asked that he call me instead..so it looks as though he is still wanting to do this and i get the feeling he is going to call me. So the question is...should i go through with meeting him with all things considered?? in addition to all the red flag things he has said to me...i think the problem is i built up a very strange and unhealthy obsession with him at this point. most of it is due to all the sweet talk that he has thrown at me. He does not quite do that anymore but it still had an affect on me. I dont know how well i would deal with it if he does not want to see me again after the first date. on the other hand, he promised when he sees me that he will hug and kiss me (and he promised that he will make my toes curl when he kisses me). i have to admit..i really like that idea!! i have not kissed someone like that in a long time!! just the whole idea of that makes me want to meet him and is probably one of the main reasons that i would want to meet him as bad as that sounds..but it also makes me so afraid of the rejection aspect of it too. i mean..what if he changes his mind about kissing me after seeing me...that scares me.

anyway, i guess i still need to think if the positives outweigh the negatives in this case. i guess the phone conversation might help me make that decision.

anyway, thanks again for the insight on all of this Versacehottie. just curious to know if u think he is worth me meeting at this point? u have been so helpful and insightful with all of this. i would be very interested in your thoughts on this. thanks so much in advance.

August 1, 2016

just wanted to update this thread...

I had a very upsetting conversation with this man last night. He is on some kind of medicine so this may have somehow warped his thought process but the first part of the conversation went well but when we discussed meeting he seemed to just want to meet once and see what happens..he also seemed to have backed off of the kisses and hugs promise too. We had originally discussed that we would meet and not judge each other and spend enough time with each other in several get togethers before making any decision about each other. however, he seems to be singing to a different tune now. i dont know if it is due to the fact that I have some new pics up on my profile and maybe he does not like them (although he seemed to have complimented me on at least some of them) or maybe it is due to all the delays in meeting....but at one point last night i started telling him that i dont like to actually go on dates but rather meet as friends if we are not going to do our original plans...i actually have all of this outlined in my dating profile so this should be nothing new to him. he suddenly snapped at me and said..."then lets not meet at all!". I asked him why he was getting that way and he said it is due to all the delays. anyway, we ended the conversation with the agreement to meet in a week but i felt awful that he was so ready to dismiss me at this point!! I was really under the impression that we were already friends due to all of our conversations we had had throughout the months we talked so to have him snap at me like that and just throw me to the curb like that really hurt.

i am not sure at this point if i should meet him with all things considered..he went from acting like he was madly in love with me to being so ready to just throw me away. i guess whatever feelings he had for me were never genuine feelings of friendship like i had hoped and thought. i just cant believe that i spent this much time getting to know such a cold hearted person.

so now i am just wondering...am i right to take offense to this?? or am i being too sensitive?? i really thought me and him were already friends so this is why his dismissive attitude hurts so much. My friend still thinks there is something mentally wrong with him and i am thinking that he is probably right. ..but it still does not take away the pain. I did send an email to him to let him know my feelings on the matter. I told him that his willingness to get rid of me like that hurt my feelings since i thought i would have meant more to him by now.

i am interested in others thoughts on this..and in particular I would be interested in hearing Versacehottie thoughts on this since you seem to have such an insight into his mindset.

so once again, i am wondering if i am right to be offended by his attitude towards me at this point? and also do u think i should meet him in light of this??

I am so terribly disappointed that all this time spent getting to know him is likely going to lead to nothing,

I have never had such an experience with someone ...anybody that i have ever spent this much time getting to know has always resulted in something positive in the end. This is so terribly disappointing.

any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much in advance.

August 1, 2016

thanks so much for the added insight once again! You are an absolute angel to help a stranger like this and like i said, extremely intelligent as well.

Believe it or not, i did get a few emails from this man and he still wants to meet me and he wanted me to call him. I dont like to ignore anybody so i responded and asked that he call me instead..so it looks as though he is still wanting to do this and i get the feeling he is going to call me. So the question is...should i go through with meeting him with all things considered?? in addition to all the red flag things he has said to me...i think the problem is i built up a very strange and unhealthy obsession with him at this point. most of it is due to all the sweet talk that he has thrown at me. He does not quite do that anymore but it still had an affect on me. I dont know how well i would deal with it if he does not want to see me again after the first date. on the other hand, he promised when he sees me that he will hug and kiss me (and he promised that he will make my toes curl when he kisses me). i have to admit..i really like that idea!! i have not kissed someone like that in a long time!! just the whole idea of that makes me want to meet him and is probably one of the main reasons that i would want to meet him as bad as that sounds..but it also makes me so afraid of the rejection aspect of it too. i mean..what if he changes his mind about kissing me after seeing me...that scares me.

anyway, i guess i still need to think if the positives outweigh the negatives in this case. i guess the phone conversation might help me make that decision.

anyway, thanks again for the insight on all of this Versacehottie. just curious to know if u think he is worth me meeting at this point? u have been so helpful and insightful with all of this. i would be very interested in your thoughts on this. thanks so much in advance.

ohhhh, thanks! I never saw this post for whatever reason and am so sorry. Anyway, to answer this one, I would have said that yes you should move forward and see him, I think because the positives outweigh the negatives. My MAIN reason for saying this is what YOU get from it, not the linear seemingly goal: of dating someone who would become a bf. Honestly, I think one of your biggest problems is being too rigid and set in your ways and overthinking things. You seem like you are paralyzed by fear. I think you need to move forward, experience things and then use the information you gather to make an informed decision.

With this guy, probably more than likely he's not the one. BUT you still have feelings and unresolved desire to see "what if". You are doing YOURSELF more harm than good by not taking the experience. You need to think more than linear. It's an experience, an adventure. The goal is answering the question: what if. Not to have all elements in place so that he'd be the perfect boyfriend and then slot yourself right in. You will never have all that information up front. I think advice for you is different than just others who are simply trying to find the one but have no problem taking chances. You avoidance of taking chances IS probably one of the top reasons you do not have/find a bf. So you need to address that first.

I'm not impressed with this guy BUT if you have resonant feeling of interest, there is no harm in going on ONE date and making a decision after that. YOU will gain from that either way. Consider your SITUATION in totality.

August 1, 2016

just wanted to update this thread...

I had a very upsetting conversation with this man last night. He is on some kind of medicine so this may have somehow warped his thought process but the first part of the conversation went well but when we discussed meeting he seemed to just want to meet once and see what happens..he also seemed to have backed off of the kisses and hugs promise too. We had originally discussed that we would meet and not judge each other and spend enough time with each other in several get togethers before making any decision about each other. however, he seems to be singing to a different tune now. i dont know if it is due to the fact that I have some new pics up on my profile and maybe he does not like them (although he seemed to have complimented me on at least some of them) or maybe it is due to all the delays in meeting....but at one point last night i started telling him that i dont like to actually go on dates but rather meet as friends if we are not going to do our original plans...i actually have all of this outlined in my dating profile so this should be nothing new to him. he suddenly snapped at me and said..."then lets not meet at all!". I asked him why he was getting that way and he said it is due to all the delays. anyway, we ended the conversation with the agreement to meet in a week but i felt awful that he was so ready to dismiss me at this point!! I was really under the impression that we were already friends due to all of our conversations we had had throughout the months we talked so to have him snap at me like that and just throw me to the curb like that really hurt.
i am not sure at this point if i should meet him with all things considered..he went from acting like he was madly in love with me to being so ready to just throw me away. i guess whatever feelings he had for me were never genuine feelings of friendship like i had hoped and thought. i just cant believe that i spent this much time getting to know such a cold hearted person.
so now i am just wondering...am i right to take offense to this?? or am i being too sensitive?? i really thought me and him were already friends so this is why his dismissive attitude hurts so much. My friend still thinks there is something mentally wrong with him and i am thinking that he is probably right. ..but it still does not take away the pain. I did send an email to him to let him know my feelings on the matter. I told him that his willingness to get rid of me like that hurt my feelings since i thought i would have meant more to him by now.
i am interested in others thoughts on this..and in particular I would be interested in hearing Versacehottie thoughts on this since you seem to have such an insight into his mindset.
so once again, i am wondering if i am right to be offended by his attitude towards me at this point? and also do u think i should meet him in light of this??
I am so terribly disappointed that all this time spent getting to know him is likely going to lead to nothing,
I have never had such an experience with someone ...anybody that i have ever spent this much time getting to know has always resulted in something positive in the end. This is so terribly disappointing.
any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much in advance.

Ok he sounds like a pill. But I'm curious ask to why, that hasn't totally turned you off by now? I actually can understand his frustration. Too many delays and you are making him jump through too many hoops. That said, his reaction is not gentleman-like and would be a dealbreaker (to me) for bf-material. Like I said before, I think this one is too far gone. You have built up a cycle of mistrust--which I'm afraid is part of your doing--with all the requirements, delays, etc. I'd actually be annoyed too if you are on a dating site, no one probably really wants to hear "friends first". You are wearing ALL of your mistrust, anxiety and reluctance on your sleeve and it's not attractive. Do whatever you need to do to take more risks, be more spontaneous.

Another disturbing thing is that you mentally have already invested in someone who you haven't even met. (and him too by sounds of it). This is why you are both frustrated. You are wasting each other's time--this is why you just need to meet people faster. You don't build up a fantasy in your head or get to this level of frustration. Plus your mindset is SAYING "friends" to him but in your emotions, you already have feelings for him. Dangerous and just be more open and honest.

I think you are being TOO sensitive. It's too much drama for someone who has never even met you. You have really already made him jump through a lot of hoops--it's all unnecessary and over the top. You also fail to see things from his perspective. I do see things from his perspective (and yours). I think based on what you've wrote in this thread, you are both in the wrong. You mishandle the relationship and he may not be a good character/difficult. I feel like it's two neurotics and that you are bound to keep clashing. Sometimes two neurotics work out perfectly--i don't think it's this time though. I can't really see why you think he's worth it at all for you. I do think in the future you need to handle your end of the street much better.

I would be offended by lots of stuff he did leading up to this and would have ruled him out already. I, however, absolutely understand why he is frustrated. I don't understand why he just hasn't disappeared when you proved to be so much trouble yourself. That points to someone who may be so damaged, without options himself that he puts up with the dysfunction and vice versa. I wouldn't put ANY more effort in trying to meet this guy. Your last message to him means ball is in his court. I also think over. I would LEARN from this for yourself. From his perspective, you may have come off like you were stringing him along, reluctant about everything. Work on opening yourself up. Good luck!!

August 1, 2016

Versacehottie....thanks so much for being so very helpful once again!! you are so right..i have no idea why I have become so hung up on him but for some reason I kept visualizing him and I being friends and doing things together...kind of like what I am going to be doing with the other man that lives 2 hours away. I also do have romantic feelings for him too and hoped that we would first start out as friends and that it would perhaps lead into something more. I dont really understand why he responded to my personal ad if he is against starting as friends since that is what I say in my greeting that I am looking for.

I know you are right...I do need to work on my approach to these situations. Apparently my approach seemed to work perfectly with the man that lives 2 hours away..we are now friends, we will see each other again and perhaps things will grow from there or maybe not, but either way we are still going to be friends. The funny thing is that when I met that man a few weeks ago we both laughed at how little stress we felt when meeting due to all of our previous conversations. It really felt like meeting an old friend at that point so i guess this was a situation where the approach I took suited both of us perfectly. However, I guess my approach will not suit everyone though. I am most attracted to those profiles that also look for "friends" too. That is why I always expect anybody who answers my add to be looking for the same thing and I assumed that this man would be open to starting as friends too in that case since he was the one that responded to my ad.

I honestly think the only reason I have lasted this long with talking to him was due to a sexual attraction to him based on his pics and video as well as some of the romantic things he said..even though I know this kind of negates my friendship approach at the same time. I also started feeling like it would be really nice to have a local friend to go out and do nice things with..such as hiking, going to meetups together, etc. Seems as though we both could have used a new friend so this started becoming a very big motivation for me with him..and perhaps even started to override the sexual attraction too. I have had many successful friendships with men before and started thinking it might be nice to really have a local activity buddy at the very least. However, like you have said..the ball is really in his court at this point since I sent the last message I did to him.

I still feel that there is something sad about the fact that it looks like this is going to lead to nothing between him and I after all that time we invested. In a way I almost want to meet him just to say I finally did but i dont know that i can meet someone who has the potential to be this cold to me and dismissive...although probably justifiable in alot of ways too..as you pointed out.

I have not even checked my messages from him today to see if there is any response back. I guess I dont want to feel anymore disappointment at this point. i will probably check his messages later tonight.

I know I need to work on my approach with people from now on in and use this as a learning experience. I guess I have to find a happy medium when dealing with meeting these people...something that works out for both parties.

Anyway, thanks again Versacehottie,for being your usual helpful self on here. This forum is so lucky to have you!!! Please let me know if I can ever return the favor in anyway. You are just so kind!!

I will keep you and anybody else interested informed about this. thanks again:)

August 1, 2016

Thank you!

I think you need to get real clear on your intentions. It's nice to make friends but it sounds like you really want a relationship/companionship and are muddying the waters. Just be honest with yourself. I think you are saying you want friendship because it is less risky. And same probably with some of the guys who agree to it. Why not start with CLEAR intentions that match why/how you invest in a person? You are hoping it will lead to romance!!! So just be upfront and about that! If it doesn't work out romantically and both parties want to be friends then of course that's great. But your non-clear intentions coupled with your relationship style/reluctance, etc is causing all sorts of unnecessary problems.

You are trying to avoid disappointment and your fears it is obvious to me. But in actuality it is bringing you much more disappointment and letting your fears build!!! You just need to face things head on. What are you afraid of? This strategy isn't helping you be any less disappointed OR getting you to your goal any quicker. A clear intention will. And yes you might get disappointed along the way. But so will you with your approach which adds a whole different set of problems.

Take this guy for example, if it had not gone south and you realized you liked him romantically BUT he really meant friends, do you think that's less painful or less disappointing. Not at all. Talk to someone or read threads where love is unrequited. Pretty much the most painful thing one can go through. You will also see it's a huge time waster!!! Start living your life!! What are you waiting for???!!!

Also you are going about this backwards and creating HIGH STAKES and high INVESTMENT before you actually have something. Be more free and open to whatever and actually making new connections and friends and watch your world open up. You are not being honest with yourself or tricking yourself into calling it friends when you actually hope for romance that's why you are investing a lot. Do it the other way around. Keep stakes LOW (realizing many people may come into your life and be gone just as fast)--your goal should be to have great experiences that lead you toward other goals. You will not find that sitting on your couch, typing messages to some internet guy. Make a quick connection and then act on it. Go DO things in the real world that back up your interests to meet others with similar interests. Being that you like vegan, holistic stuff, I think there are tons of activities surrounding that!!! Or animals if as I think I remember that is part of your reason for being vegan. At those places make friends and perhaps it will develop into more. Make like-minded girlfriends so you can do things with and build your momentum as a person and confidence. Keep investment LOW with people and only invest more when it is warranted based on real life activity and mutual investment, which should grow reciprocally, in increments and based on real life interaction. Phone and messages are nice but they are very low stake, low investment and treat them as such until a real life connection has been made. Also real life chemistry can be different and you don't want either of you to build up false expectations or a fantasy person so that you are disappointed with the real person.

I don't know, I sense that you are a relatively positive person and have a somewhat curious nature, so I'm a little surprised that you are taking these approaches. I also do sense the rigidity or non-flexible nature--which maybe comes from living in a remote place or only having very little relationship experience, a generational thing possibly and being afraid to expose yourself to people. You can't want something so much and go about it incorrectly. Learn from it, change your approach. There are things you can change; it is not all the other people's fault. Since dating is somewhat a numbers game, you are going to need to get more comfortable, putting yourself out there more to make MORE connections. Hand in hand with that is getting more comfortable with the fact that some connections are not going to work out. Actually most won't. Once you accept these facts, you might be able to force yourself a bit more. Good luck and keep updating us!

August 1, 2016

just wanted to update this thread...

I had a very upsetting conversation with this man last night. He is on some kind of medicine so this may have somehow warped his thought process but the first part of the conversation went well but when we discussed meeting he seemed to just want to meet once and see what happens..he also seemed to have backed off of the kisses and hugs promise too. We had originally discussed that we would meet and not judge each other and spend enough time with each other in several get togethers before making any decision about each other. however, he seems to be singing to a different tune now. i dont know if it is due to the fact that I have some new pics up on my profile and maybe he does not like them (although he seemed to have complimented me on at least some of them) or maybe it is due to all the delays in meeting....but at one point last night i started telling him that i dont like to actually go on dates but rather meet as friends if we are not going to do our original plans...i actually have all of this outlined in my dating profile so this should be nothing new to him. he suddenly snapped at me and said..."then lets not meet at all!". I asked him why he was getting that way and he said it is due to all the delays. anyway, we ended the conversation with the agreement to meet in a week but i felt awful that he was so ready to dismiss me at this point!! I was really under the impression that we were already friends due to all of our conversations we had had throughout the months we talked so to have him snap at me like that and just throw me to the curb like that really hurt.
i am not sure at this point if i should meet him with all things considered..he went from acting like he was madly in love with me to being so ready to just throw me away. i guess whatever feelings he had for me were never genuine feelings of friendship like i had hoped and thought. i just cant believe that i spent this much time getting to know such a cold hearted person.
so now i am just wondering...am i right to take offense to this?? or am i being too sensitive?? i really thought me and him were already friends so this is why his dismissive attitude hurts so much. My friend still thinks there is something mentally wrong with him and i am thinking that he is probably right. ..but it still does not take away the pain. I did send an email to him to let him know my feelings on the matter. I told him that his willingness to get rid of me like that hurt my feelings since i thought i would have meant more to him by now.
i am interested in others thoughts on this..and in particular I would be interested in hearing Versacehottie thoughts on this since you seem to have such an insight into his mindset.
so once again, i am wondering if i am right to be offended by his attitude towards me at this point? and also do u think i should meet him in light of this??
I am so terribly disappointed that all this time spent getting to know him is likely going to lead to nothing,
I have never had such an experience with someone ...anybody that i have ever spent this much time getting to know has always resulted in something positive in the end. This is so terribly disappointing.
any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much in advance.

Ohhh chumly! I'm so sorry hun! Geez...I can understand why your hurt hun

Versacehottie gives amazing advice so def listen to her...she's by far one of the wisest posters on here and she's always senstive towards poster's feelings

Dating is such a strange game to play. We can never rule out getting our feelings hurt....and when we least expect it...the rug gets pulled right out from underneath us...its tough hun...I'm sorry you're hurting

Can I ask why making friends first is so important to you? I dont think its a bad approach at all...I just think it might confuse some men...esp if your on a dating site

I can see his point in being frustrated at the delays in meeting...tbh if I was chatting with a guy and our plans kept falling through over a long period of time... I'd probably move onto the next....however...I would never be rude to someone....like this guy was to you. I think thats a red flag

chumly...you deserve to be treated with the utmost kindness and courtsey beause you are such a sweet person!!!

I dont tolerate men treating me any differently than how I would treat them...you shouldnt either

Keep your chin up girly and know that this is just a little bump in the road! Many great things have yet to come! Xoxo! :bunny:

Edited August 1, 2016 by Disillusionment373

August 1, 2016

Ohhh chumly! I'm so sorry hun! Geez...I can understand why your hurt hun

Versacehottie gives amazing advice so def listen to her...she's by far one of the wisest posters on here and she's always senstive towards poster's feelings

Dating is such a strange game to play. We can never rule out getting our feelings hurt....and when we least expect it...the rug gets pulled right out from underneath us...its tough hun...I'm sorry you're hurting

Can I ask why making friends first is so important to you? I dont think its a bad approach at all...I just think it might confuse some men...esp if your on a dating site

I can see his point in being frustrated at the delays in meeting...tbh if I was chatting with a guy and our plans kept falling through over a long period of time... I'd probably move onto the next....however...I would never be rude to someone....like this guy was to you. I think thats a red flag

chumly...you deserve to be treated with the utmost kindness and courtsey beause you are such a sweet person!!!

I dont tolerate men treating me any differently than how I would treat them...you shouldnt either

Keep your chin up girly and know that this is just a little bump in the road! Many great things have yet to come! Xoxo! :bunny:

Awww, thank you!

Yeah, I totally agree with you. I think starting out as friends is great---only not in this situation--when it happens organically and naturally. That's why I suggested chumly should get involved with activities that match her interests. Guys that she meet through that kinda of stuff as friends first is totally fine. Otherwise, I think chumly is using that as "seeking friends" as a cover or risk aversion strategy. It's not only not working-it's backfiring. I would say. It's also probably severely limiting how many guys are interested in her. And causing frustration on both ends. It also not really very straightforward/aka honest.

Agreed totally that this guy was rude and his reaction is just more evidence that he's not a real prize to date--even if he was legit frustrated--this is not how people should handle things. He actually sounds pretty weird to me overall--with a bad attitude? No thanks.

I hope the chumly sees "investment" as not just a linear thing either. So, you didn't get the guy? So if you discover that he wouldn't make a good bf, count yourself lucky and move on! Maybe you should call the dating process, the discovery process? That's what it really is after all. And we don't know until we know. Also the investment you are making is ALSO into OP learning to date better, gain confidence and all of that will lead her in the right direction of a great guy for her and a healthy, happy relationship. These are not "failures", they are learning experiences. An important couple from this that I see are:

*learning to take chances, open herself up, change her approach (as I talked about above)

*AND knowing where to draw the line with someone--which I think greatly needs to be learned by OP, otherwise she wouldn't be characterizing this as a "loss" of any sorts. She would decide he is not right for her, doesn't matter how much time she has put in. (I would also add it's because of her dating strategy thus far that she considers this a significant investment of time/energy; it's not really relative to others but because of way she dates it feels like it to her).

Anyway, I think she's learning from all this and that has tremendous value. It's no loss to lose this guy. Good luck

August 2, 2016

thanks so much both Versacehottie and Disillusionment373 for such helpful advise as always!! i really appreciate it:D

Versacehottie...thanks so much once again for taking the time out to share your insight with me on this. You are so right...i think the reason i am feeling so bad about this man is due to my lack of experience as well as my approach to dating. There were so many red flags that he gave me from even the very first conversation but yet i kept giving him the benefit of the doubt because he seemed to like me so much and it started becoming addictive to have someone feel that way about me even though it was based on superficiality.

I have such low self esteem that i am not sure how to deal with it sometimes. i think my pain was coupled with the fact that I had just posted some new and less glamorous pics of myself on the dating site. i did not post them on top for everyone to see but i had them below where people would be able to see if they looked. i decided to post them because i had a positive response from friends about them and seemed to still attract people when i posted them on another dating site as a test however, I was a bit reluctant to post them because they are not as glamorous as my other pics anyway, He actually complimented 2 of them but I noticed that one person took me off of his friend list after i had done this and another person never bothered to respond back to me after having messaged back and forth and then to have this man act so dismissive of me and back off on the promise of hugging and kissing me made me feel quite awful. I even questioned him on it and his response was a bit strange..he said, "well we will see and play it by ear..but u still seem to be huggable and kissable"...i thought it was suspicious that he used the word "still". I know me typing this probably does not sound so bad but it was something in the way he said it that got me feeling bad. i suppose all of these things can be just a bunch of coincidences and I know i am analyzing all these little details from a person that is just not a good human being. I just wish i could quickly forget about him but i just feel so bad about the whole thing right now.

Versacehottie, i know your advice about getting out and making new friends is really good and i do attend some meetups but unfortunately i dont go to them as much as I probably should. I am really going to try and take your advice about taking healthy risks in life more. For one thing..i may start actually responding to personal ads myself instead of waiting and hoping others will respond to me. i seem to have better luck when i take the initiative on the dating sites. I will also not take so long to meet people and if red flags come up i will end it right away instead of continuing to give it the benefit of the doubt. your advice is so great..thanks so much ...i will really take it to heart:D

Disillusionment373...thanks so much for your usual kindness again. I really like the part where you said that you would not tolerate someone treating you any different then you would treat them. That is so true! and although i might get frustrated with someone, i would never be that ready to toss them aside and snap at them like that. He actually snapped at me 2xs within the conversation. A friend of mine thinks that his medication is making him like this. He also seems to have all kinds of health issues with breathing but i still dont think that justifies him being that way to me. Thanks for saying I deserve better! I know you are right so thanks so much:D and I think that both you and Versacehottie are very helpful to everyone on this site. Thanks so much;)

Thankyou both so much once again:D

August 2, 2016

Was this a cold response in your opinion??

just in case anybody is curious.. i finally read the message back from this man in response to my message to him. I had put together a message explaining how he hurt my feelings by being so dismissive to me after having communicated for so long...i told him that i thought i would have meant more to him after all this time and was hurt that he would so easily be willing to forget me..i told him that i thought we were friends and that treating people this way is not a christian thing to do (he claims he is a christian..lol). I also told him that i realized that he probably said it out of frustration. Anyway, my message to him was not a long one but it was heartfelt and I will post below the response I got back from him...

"You are correct. I was very frustrated. I am sorry you had hurt feelings. That was not my intention. I hope you have a good day and feel better too. R."

this was all that he said in response:sick: is it just me or is this kind of cold???

anyway, I messaged him one more time and told him that i have had only positive experiences when meeting people ..some of them took longer to meet for various reasons and others i met sooner but i always wound up having a nice time meeting them and i either dated or remained friends with them but i told him that i never experiences such animosity from someone until now so therfore I did not feel better but was planning on doing all that i can to do so and i asked that he would pray for me..I kind of said that part as a bit of a dig on his religious beliefs and in particular his hypocriticalness.

I know he is sick and on medicines but his cold response almost made me feel worse in alot of ways. he also usually signs with xoxo at the end but he did not do so this time.

I wonder if he still expects that i would want to meet him after all this??we set a date to meet next week..does he actually think i would have any motivation to meet him now??? ..i had enough difficulty meeting him when he seemed nicer to me.

why did i spend so much time and energy on him and build him up in my mind like i did?? I did not want to believe this at first but i truly think he is just a self centered miserable person who is alone for a good reason. i guess i just wanted to believe that he really liked me as he kept claiming he did. I also think he is weird as others pointed out and mental as my friend said. I am almost tempted to post the video he sent me to see if others on here would pick up the same thing my friend picked up about him having something wrong with him but i guess it probably would not make a difference at this point anyway plus it might be some kind of violation.

I know the problem is him and not me. i mean..he is practically a senior citizen and has nothing to show for it, he has no money, he lives with his mom and he told me he has no friends...i wonder why???

I know I will eventually get passed this but it still hurts like crazy at the moment. i have never invested this much time in a person and have them act so coldly towards me simply because i have not met them yet or maybe because of my pics..which is even worse if that is the case! I can not wait until he is a forgotten memory.

Anyway, thanks everyone for listening ..it really helps to be able to get all of this out.

Edited August 2, 2016 by chumly

August 2, 2016

You sound like you dont know your worth.

And desperate to find someone. So you get stock on one person and force it to be truth. While there are 10000000000 of fishes in the sea that are more a match for you

and normal in communication.

The biggest red flag is that there is to much going on in the wrong way

on simple things like just being able to speak to each other.

Beside its 2016, how can it be you just email? How old are you guys?

In this time there are many more ways to contact each other, so there is less of a excuse not to.

Unless the person not into you or have something to hide ???!

And if he cant even call you because of meds, dont even that give you a sign to block him and move on ? Sounds like he may have big issues and is using heavy meds that control him that much that he never can talk to you............(mental ill???).

Thats the relationship you looking for?

Or someone who can be joyful with you and communicate with you as a adult?

Break this of block him and move on. Even-thou i think better is to personal dating, meet people personal at activity's and while socializing....Read some christian books about dating and also about online dating.

And before meeting, you got skype, yahoo messenger, and many more where you can

video-chat and talk on mic and see a while if this is someone consistent and worth to meet. Knowing also that you are a women and there are many crazy people with bad intention also on those dating-sites.

You should be careful who you meet and where.Pls read some books before dating the next person!

PS: always when you feel like this, listen to what your gut is telling you. dont try to

negotiate.

August 2, 2016

Was this a cold response in your opinion??

just in case anybody is curious.. i finally read the message back from this man in response to my message to him. I had put together a message explaining how he hurt my feelings by being so dismissive to me after having communicated for so long...i told him that i thought i would have meant more to him after all this time and was hurt that he would so easily be willing to forget me..i told him that i thought we were friends and that treating people this way is not a christian thing to do (he claims he is a christian..lol). I also told him that i realized that he probably said it out of frustration. Anyway, my message to him was not a long one but it was heartfelt and I will post below the response I got back from him...

"You are correct. I was very frustrated. I am sorry you had hurt feelings. That was not my intention. I hope you have a good day and feel better too. R."

this was all that he said in response:sick: is it just me or is this kind of cold???

anyway, I messaged him one more time and told him that i have had only positive experiences when meeting people ..some of them took longer to meet for various reasons and others i met sooner but i always wound up having a nice time meeting them and i either dated or remained friends with them but i told him that i never experiences such animosity from someone until now so therfore I did not feel better but was planning on doing all that i can to do so and i asked that he would pray for me..I kind of said that part as a bit of a dig on his religious beliefs and in particular his hypocriticalness.

I know he is sick and on medicines but his cold response almost made me feel worse in alot of ways. he also usually signs with xoxo at the end but he did not do so this time.

I wonder if he still expects that i would want to meet him after all this??we set a date to meet next week..does he actually think i would have any motivation to meet him now??? ..i had enough difficulty meeting him when he seemed nicer to me.

why did i spend so much time and energy on him and build him up in my mind like i did?? I did not want to believe this at first but i truly think he is just a self centered miserable person who is alone for a good reason. i guess i just wanted to believe that he really liked me as he kept claiming he did. I also think he is weird as others pointed out and mental as my friend said. I am almost tempted to post the video he sent me to see if others on here would pick up the same thing my friend picked up about him having something wrong with him but i guess it probably would not make a difference at this point anyway plus it might be some kind of violation.

I know the problem is him and not me. i mean..he is practically a senior citizen and has nothing to show for it, he has no money, he lives with his mom and he told me he has no friends...i wonder why???

I know I will eventually get passed this but it still hurts like crazy at the moment. i have never invested this much time in a person and have them act so coldly towards me simply because i have not met them yet or maybe because of my pics..which is even worse if that is the case! I can not wait until he is a forgotten memory.

Anyway, thanks everyone for listening ..it really helps to be able to get all of this out.

chumly...I have a tip for you....Once someone shows you their true colors (and their true colors turn out to be pretty da*m ugly) you move on right away hun! You close the door right there.

This guy showed you that he was a jerk...he treated you with disregard but you went on to continue to message him...you shouldve left it be once you saw how rude he was towards you

We are treated how we allow others to treat us. In messaging him after he had been rude to you (even if your message was intended to set him straight) it showed him he is allowed to treat you poorly...because you will keep talking to him

When someone shows you they are a jerk...there is absolutely no reason to continue to communicate with them. It doesnt matter what you say to them...it wont change anything

Yes his response was cold...it was cold because he doesnt care...nothing you could have said would have changed that...thats why you leave it be

You care right??? You're sensitive towards other people's feelings...so you should never allow someone to be insensitive towards yours by continuing to talk to them after they disrespect you... Like I said...never accept behavior that you yourself wouldnt commit hun

As you go on with this discovery process (as Versacehottie said...I love that term) you will learn to value yourself more. It doesnt matter if you are ugly, or fat, or blue or orange...you deserve someone who treats you as you treat them. Never underestimate your true self worth girly

So as you move forward....pls remember....if a man treats you poorly....you shut the door right there hun....no more communication...nothing

I know your hurt hun...and I would be too. Like Versacehottie said, this is a process...it takes time and practice. She also said you didnt lose anything here...and I 100% agree with that....but I know it still hurts

This guy wasnt who you thought he was...and sometimes theres no way to predict these things...all you can do it learn from it and apply that knowledge in the future

You're such a sweet person chumly...you deserve the best....never forget that girly!!! :bunny:

August 4, 2016

Disillusionment373...Thanks so much for your usual helpful response. I really appreciate it! yes, I agree that I probably should have just left the whole thing as is after that but i felt the need to make one last dig at him for playing with my heart and emotions as it feels like he did ...i think it angers me more since he claims to be a christian. Anyway, in response to my last message he wrote a very very long message explaining his feelings of disappointment in my continuous delays with meeting him. He was alot more kinder in this response to me but expressed that he was very sad about how things have turned out between him and I and that he can apologize for being cold to me but he cant help his feelings on the matter. He also admitted that he was completely infactuated with me based on my looks in my pictures when we first started talking and he allowed fantasies to take over. However, That part was completely unfair to me as he kept telling me that looks had nothing to do with why he liked me at the time...so he has once again showed another inconsistency to me.

I think the problem that i had all along with him was his constant inconsistency in his treatment towards me and even the possibility of actual lies he made up to me...at one point he had told me he was in the CIA...he also told me he did some directing and since I naturally think the best of everyone I believed him when he told me these things..I thought that he may have perhaps had a small time job with the CIA and maybe did some small directing. My friend thinks he suffers from a split personality and actually even went so far as to say he could even be dangerous...but at the same time he talked so intelligently so this is what keeps throwing me off about him...but then sometime I think .... maybe my friend is the one giving me bad advice??? maybe alot of his inconsistancies towards me are understandable due to my delaying things and a few confrontations I had with him...maybe all of this has lead to him being so inconsistant with me. Or maybe we just have different communication styles as he even suggested to me... but at the same time it does seem like he really is hard to predict at times and I guess the stuff he said about the CIA and directing did seem a bit suspicious to me.

I had such dreams about me and him being friends together and doing stuff together but my friend thinks it would be a huge mistake if i met him at this point and that i should just forget about him and move on and i know everyone on here seems to think the same. In the meantime I have such a horrible hole in my heart at this point. I am trying to talk with other men in the hopes of getting my mind off of him but so far it has not helped very much. I guess time is the only thing that will truly cure this. In the meantime I feel such sadness over this and according to his message to me he feels the same way.

I dont know but maybe somehow or someway in the future we can be some kind of friends with each other..it kind of makes me feel better to think this way sometimes and think that there is some kind of hope for the future between him and I but I guess it is best to just leave the whole thing alone for now and just deal with this pain and sleeplessness .

anyway, thanks everyone for listening. I know I will be ok soon enough.

August 4, 2016

Disillusionment373...Thanks so much for your usual helpful response. I really appreciate it! yes, I agree that I probably should have just left the whole thing as is after that but i felt the need to make one last dig at him for playing with my heart and emotions as it feels like he did ...i think it angers me more since he claims to be a christian. Anyway, in response to my last message he wrote a very very long message explaining his feelings of disappointment in my continuous delays with meeting him. He was alot more kinder in this response to me but expressed that he was very sad about how things have turned out between him and I and that he can apologize for being cold to me but he cant help his feelings on the matter. He also admitted that he was completely infactuated with me based on my looks in my pictures when we first started talking and he allowed fantasies to take over. However, That part was completely unfair to me as he kept telling me that looks had nothing to do with why he liked me at the time...so he has once again showed another inconsistency to me.

I think the problem that i had all along with him was his constant inconsistency in his treatment towards me and even the possibility of actual lies he made up to me...at one point he had told me he was in the CIA...he also told me he did some directing and since I naturally think the best of everyone I believed him when he told me these things..I thought that he may have perhaps had a small time job with the CIA and maybe did some small directing. My friend thinks he suffers from a split personality and actually even went so far as to say he could even be dangerous...but at the same time he talked so intelligently so this is what keeps throwing me off about him...but then sometime I think .... maybe my friend is the one giving me bad advice??? maybe alot of his inconsistancies towards me are understandable due to my delaying things and a few confrontations I had with him...maybe all of this has lead to him being so inconsistant with me. Or maybe we just have different communication styles as he even suggested to me... but at the same time it does seem like he really is hard to predict at times and I guess the stuff he said about the CIA and directing did seem a bit suspicious to me.

I had such dreams about me and him being friends together and doing stuff together but my friend thinks it would be a huge mistake if i met him at this point and that i should just forget about him and move on and i know everyone on here seems to think the same. In the meantime I have such a horrible hole in my heart at this point. I am trying to talk with other men in the hopes of getting my mind off of him but so far it has not helped very much. I guess time is the only thing that will truly cure this. In the meantime I feel such sadness over this and according to his message to me he feels the same way.

I dont know but maybe somehow or someway in the future we can be some kind of friends with each other..it kind of makes me feel better to think this way sometimes and think that there is some kind of hope for the future between him and I but I guess it is best to just leave the whole thing alone for now and just deal with this pain and sleeplessness .

anyway, thanks everyone for listening. I know I will be ok soon enough.

Oh no. You are overthinking stuff to death. You need to just hurry up and meet people so you don't continue to do this.

I'm going to be real and tough love: stop saying you want to be friends with him and dreaming of that moment. You don't sound like someone who is conscious of changing patterns that don't work for you. The "friends" thing is bs--especially when you are posting here like you are in limerence.

Anyway, you have are not being real with yourself because your reasons for liking him are just as much a fantasy as his own for liking you. It's unreasonable that people are not going to factor in how one looks when we are talking about attraction to another person.

If you are debating all that CIA/director potential falsehoods, and feel like he's a dishonest person then you should want nothing to do with him. Not because he may be dangerous (that's pretty farfetched) but he's a liar and you should be looking for a good guy. Sense of self is very important. This should not be ok with you. He has so many red flags but you are hanging on because you want a "friendship"?!??!? YOU BOTH are not being honest with each other and yourselves. I'm worried that you are not getting "it".

Sorry, but your latest post is disturbing. Good luck

August 5, 2016

Versacehottie...thanks for the response back..yes, that was a bit tough but I realize you are only trying to help and you are right..my feelings for him are obviously beyond friendship. I have no idea why I am hanging on to my dreams of him..I think it was because he had such a strong interest in me and it became almost addictive to have someone like me that much..I guess I am not used to that kind of attention..as it normally does not happen to me but I certainly liked it while it lasted.

Maybe if i can just find one interesting person to communicate with and "meet" I would be fine but unfortunately that is proving to be a tough task. I mean..I do talk to others but most are just not very interesting unfortunately and I think this might be the problem right there. I think I have become super desperate.

The one thing you said (Versacehottie), however, that I dont totally agree with though is that it is unreasonable to expect people to not factor in how someone looks when we are talking about attraction. If that were the case how do blind people find love?? I know the majority of the world thinks this way so I dont expect everyone to agree with me about this and it is only natural to be attracted to what we see but I think it is possible for an attraction to grow from simply spending time with another person even if the initial attraction is not there. I dont know...maybe my age is playing a factor in my feelings on this matter. I get the feeling I am older then most that are posting here. I will give a prime example..I know 2 people that have the most healthiest marriage I have ever seen. However, they met in medical school and hated each other at first and had no attraction to each other whatsoever...they were stuck doing a school project together and grew to like each other and an attraction grew from there and like I said, they are now happily married and have the best relationship I ever witnessed. Now just imagine if these 2 were to meet in on a dating site and judge each other based on their initial attraction to one another?? I guess they never would have gotten together. This is why I do emphasize friendship in my dating profile and thankfully others are also looking for friendship as well so these are the people I would likely click best with. However, I seem to attract only those that want to jump into a relationship right away instead of getting to know each other first. I think this is why I connected so well with the man that lives 2 hours away..he is just like me and looking to start out as friends too.

So...yes, with this man I started with the intention of friendship but his constant romantic pursuit of me made me interested in him for more. So although I agree with your advice of meeting people sooner I dont agree with your take on attraction or that I should NOT be looking for friends on a dating site. Many others on there are looking for friends too. It is even an option on a drop down menu. The problem is I am not attracting the other "friends" people too.

In the meantime I know I will get over this in time. It helps to get my feelings out.

By the way, I dont necessarily expect anybody to respond to this post..nor do I think I even want it at this point..I just need a place to vent. I hope that is ok to do here.

August 5, 2016

I agree with Versacehottie - you are WAY over-thinking this.

And you have projected feelings and a potential relationship on someone you have never met.

Look, not to many years ago I spent a LOT of time having these online conversations with guys to set up potential dates. Several times I fell head-over-heels before we had physically met. And then it would all blow-up in my face because REALITY is never like we play it out in our heads.

That is why it is important to not get so in-depth online and just get to meeting people in real life to see if there is a connection.

August 5, 2016

Versacehottie...thanks for the response back..yes, that was a bit tough but I realize you are only trying to help and you are right..my feelings for him are obviously beyond friendship. I have no idea why I am hanging on to my dreams of him..I think it was because he had such a strong interest in me and it became almost addictive to have someone like me that much..I guess I am not used to that kind of attention..as it normally does not happen to me but I certainly liked it while it lasted.

Maybe if i can just find one interesting person to communicate with and "meet" I would be fine but unfortunately that is proving to be a tough task. I mean..I do talk to others but most are just not very interesting unfortunately and I think this might be the problem right there. I think I have become super desperate.

The one thing you said (Versacehottie), however, that I dont totally agree with though is that it is unreasonable to expect people to not factor in how someone looks when we are talking about attraction. If that were the case how do blind people find love?? I know the majority of the world thinks this way so I dont expect everyone to agree with me about this and it is only natural to be attracted to what we see but I think it is possible for an attraction to grow from simply spending time with another person even if the initial attraction is not there. I dont know...maybe my age is playing a factor in my feelings on this matter. I get the feeling I am older then most that are posting here. I will give a prime example..I know 2 people that have the most healthiest marriage I have ever seen. However, they met in medical school and hated each other at first and had no attraction to each other whatsoever...they were stuck doing a school project together and grew to like each other and an attraction grew from there and like I said, they are now happily married and have the best relationship I ever witnessed. Now just imagine if these 2 were to meet in on a dating site and judge each other based on their initial attraction to one another?? I guess they never would have gotten together. This is why I do emphasize friendship in my dating profile and thankfully others are also looking for friendship as well so these are the people I would likely click best with. However, I seem to attract only those that want to jump into a relationship right away instead of getting to know each other first. I think this is why I connected so well with the man that lives 2 hours away..he is just like me and looking to start out as friends too.

So...yes, with this man I started with the intention of friendship but his constant romantic pursuit of me made me interested in him for more. So although I agree with your advice of meeting people sooner I dont agree with your take on attraction or that I should NOT be looking for friends on a dating site. Many others on there are looking for friends too. It is even an option on a drop down menu. The problem is I am not attracting the other "friends" people too.

In the meantime I know I will get over this in time. It helps to get my feelings out.

By the way, I dont necessarily expect anybody to respond to this post..nor do I think I even want it at this point..I just need a place to vent. I hope that is ok to do here.

Well, I feel disappointed that you just want to vent (this is a forum/message board)--though I do understand that maybe it's just something that's hard to hear at first but will sink in later. I can't stress enough that you need to change your approach. Yes, I would agree that the way you choose to date, causes you to have elements of desperation and false attachment. Some people are desperate by trying to dating a lot and throwing themselves at guys and become clingy. Some are more like you: you think you are going to mitigate every risk that exists by overthinking to death and all the while you are investing in someone who gives you attention--even if it is not based in reality or is subpar. You are settling on the one that gives you attention because you are afraid of REALLY putting yourself out there and in some ways think you don't deserve better. It's frustrating. If you capitalized on the good feeling you had of pushing yourself and putting yourself out there, you would be more accustomed to all sorts of attention (good/bad/indifferent) and have a stronger sense of self.

It's like you are looking for someone that will agree to ALL of your conditions AND falls in love exactly the way you do--all under the guise of pretending it's just starting out as friends nor taking your looks into consideration. It's a little messed up. And of course that will make you super desperate because you are masking your own true intention to yourself. So many hoops to jump through. It's really frustrating. For you, for whoever is trying to date you. You are upset because you want someone. I get it. But then you are really, really struggling to change one iota. Accept responsibility for your life in a different way than you have been.

I know you don't agree with the thing about looks. Again, an example of you taking outlier examples/rarer occurrences (blind people) and apply it to the general condition. You cannot strategize or out-think everything. Sure blind people fall in love. And yes people fall in love with people they initially don't find attractive (jesus, even I have done that! as have a lot of people I would imagine). BUT in general, the majority of people are going to take looks into account for initial attraction--especially males. It's just a biological fact. It'd wouldn't be smart to negate it or pretend it doesn't exist or try to control that you don't want another person to take that into consideration. They most likely will, even under the guise of a friendship that could turn into more. Also coupled with the fact that you are looking for "friends" online--that is all they really have to go on initially so it will play a bigger factor than if they were a friend already from real life. If you REALLY don't want to have a guy consider your looks, then I guess you could not put a photo up and try to generate something between a guy without one. I suspect you don't want to do that--like a weird double standard of where you want your looks to benefit you but not hurt you (more overthinking).

Yeah I don't agree that even with the drop down menu choice of looking for friends only on your DATING site that you should expect different than what is happening to you. It's a dating site, first and foremost. People come to the site because they lack companionship. I suspect most people even ones that claim "friends first" are hoping for a relationship--JUST LIKE YOU! You just are more reluctant than most and have a really slow pace, complicated by overthinking and kinda trying to control the other person. To get closer to finding the love you want, in the way you want it, the best solution would be to go out and make REAL friends with similar interests. I bet one of those will turn into a relationship and you can comfortably set the pace and be comfortable with how it goes down. Do similar-minded activities, do meetups, do church things (i think you said you were christian). I mean that is such an obvious answer to your very real dilemma. I also think you just need to take real risks in life, such as making friends, be exposed to more and a variety of types of people. I would also add that guys who write "friends" tend to mean they want to hookup with no strings or have no emotional ties but companionship, etc OR hope they can change your mind. And in turn would possibly expect that you are in it for the same. (So it's very possible that you are attracting the guys on the worst end of the spectrum for you.) Just like you hope to change their minds when you deem one of these guys the right one to pursue romantically. It's really not fair. Go make some friends, for real. And i will add that I think real friendship to romantic love is often the very best--as I know many successful relationships like this!! But trying to do that from online is not genuine, which is why it's not working.

Continuing to wish you the best..

August 6, 2016

Versacehottie...thanks for the helpful response! ok, I see your point now. Yes, you are right...it is probably way too difficult to find people that are willing to go at my pace on things via a dating site. I guess the only reason I am trying it this way is because as much as it is difficult it is not impossible either. My last long term relationship that I am still somewhat involved with and a person I am actually still living with for financial reasons(another reason I am looking to start as freinds) is a person that thinks exactly as I do..in fact, he is the one who shared the story of the couple that met that werent attracted to each other..I now know that couple as well..lol..anyway, believe it or not I met him via a dating site and we connected so well in that regard so as difficult as it will be for me I also know it will not be impossible, however, I will certainly consider meeting people sooner though at the same time and trying a different approach just as an experiment at least because I do see your point too. Maybe I should share what I have in my profile sometime..it explains the type of thinking and person I am looking for. I also agree about going out and just making new friends and I have and will continue on doing so. I am involved with meetups and will continue to attend new ones. ..so my thinking is that I will try all options out there and eventually something is bound to work for me and due to my living situation and my way of thinking I suppose I am ok with the snail pace I will take. Thankfully I already have one new friend now that lives 2 hours away which I am not physically attracted to at all right now but very willing to spend time with him and see where it might go.

Anyway, thanks again for being very helpful and explaining your point to me so clearly. Like I said, I may go ahead and experiment with meeting people a bit sooner next time so that I can at least get my self esteem up a bit too.

Anyway, thanks again:)

August 6, 2016

chumly I know Versacehottie's advice may have been hard for you to hear hun...but she raises many good points that I think you needed to hear

I know getting advice on the internet it tough sometimes. The first time I posted on LS, I had just gotten dumped...I started a thread about it bcuz I was so upset and blindsided...I got amazing advice but there was one poster (wont mention her name) she started out by giving me solid advice...then quickly turned really nasty. I was so emotional from my break up her posts actually made me cry...she was down right mean....there was no tough love....just cruelty. I had her banned from my thread. What Versacehottie is doing is giving you a healthy dose of tough love...she's not saying anything you dont need to hear...and while her advice may be tough to swallow...there is no ill will behind it...its good solid advice

I really think you need to change your approach girly...I think part of the reason why you want to start out as friends is because you believe it will make you less vunerable...maybe you think it will prevent you from getting seriously hurt...it wont hun. In life we have to take chances...sometimes we fall...sometimes we fly

You mentioned you're still living with your ex...that def complicates things. Maybe thats another reason why you claim to just want friendship....are you over him? I think it would be tough to heal from a relationship when you're still living with the person. I totally understand that you're living with him for financial reasons but I dont know how you'd be able to get another potential romantic relationship off the ground if you're still living with your ex.

This is all food for thought hun. I know its alot to take in. Take it a step at a time....but do pls think about changing your approach....yes it is not impossible but has it really been working for you?

I think its time to get out of your comfort zone hun. Xoxo :bunny:

August 6, 2016

chumly I know Versacehottie's advice may have been hard for you to hear hun...but she raises many good points that I think you needed to hear

I know getting advice on the internet it tough sometimes. The first time I posted on LS, I had just gotten dumped...I started a thread about it bcuz I was so upset and blindsided...I got amazing advice but there was one poster (wont mention her name) she started out by giving me solid advice...then quickly turned really nasty. I was so emotional from my break up her posts actually made me cry...she was down right mean....there was no tough love....just cruelty. I had her banned from my thread. What Versacehottie is doing is giving you a healthy dose of tough love...she's not saying anything you dont need to hear...and while her advice may be tough to swallow...there is no ill will behind it...its good solid advice

I really think you need to change your approach girly...I think part of the reason why you want to start out as friends is because you believe it will make you less vunerable...maybe you think it will prevent you from getting seriously hurt...it wont hun. In life we have to take chances...sometimes we fall...sometimes we fly

You mentioned you're still living with your ex...that def complicates things. Maybe thats another reason why you claim to just want friendship....are you over him? I think it would be tough to heal from a relationship when you're still living with the person. I totally understand that you're living with him for financial reasons but I dont know how you'd be able to get another potential romantic relationship off the ground if you're still living with your ex.

This is all food for thought hun. I know its alot to take in. Take it a step at a time....but do pls think about changing your approach....yes it is not impossible but has it really been working for you?

I think its time to get out of your comfort zone hun. Xoxo :bunny:

Hi and thanks so much. yes, you make some good points as well. I will certainly consider everything that both you and veracihotti said. I know it is important to take healthy risks in life so maybe that is how I would view it.

I think one of the problems is that I just cant seem to find anybody interesting enough to want to meet at this point. I dont have many strict requirements but I do want to be able to hold an intelligent conversation with a person and most I run into dont seem to be able to do so. It is rather sad..I think the pickings become slim when a person gets older in life.

In regards to living with my x...it is strictly for financial reasons..I am actually the one helping him out believe it or not. We are just friends at this point but I am guessing that some men I date might not really understand so I guess for that reason I figured it would be best to start as friends.

But I will certainly consider everything that you and versacihotti said here and thanks again for all the help...it is so very appreciated.

PS..sorry for the run in that you had with someone here when you were down in the dumps...I had some do that to me as well so I know the feeling:sick: good for you for having them banned from your post.

August 6, 2016

As one who has dated more than my fair share of men... And one who tends to be cautious and overthink things... And one who has previously tended to look for the fantasy and ignore the reality... I will tell you that you have some work to do.

I would suggest that you work on your self esteem so that you won't settle anymore for relationships that are not healthy. I suggest that you get out and do things that you enjoy - to build relationships with people in real life that will build your confidence and meet your need for social interaction. I suggest that you spend some time thinking about what you want in a relationship and what a healthy relationship looks like.

As one who has just turned 40 and thought all the good ones were gone... Because the picking have certainly been slim over the past few years;). I can tell you that it is never too late to find that special someone. I have recently met someone wonderful and the relationship has been so easy and so fun! But, I did the work... I worked on my self-esteem, I developed my social skills, I put myself out there to meet people, I thought about what I wanted in a relationship and I let go of the fantasy/romantic notions that I had. And let me tell you, the reality has been better than the fantasy!

So, don't give up. But, you need to be ready and open to the opportunity when it presents itself... And don't be afraid to say no and walk away when it is clearly not what you want! Good luck.

August 6, 2016

As one who has dated more than my fair share of men... And one who tends to be cautious and overthink things... And one who has previously tended to look for the fantasy and ignore the reality... I will tell you that you have some work to do.

I would suggest that you work on your self esteem so that you won't settle anymore for relationships that are not healthy. I suggest that you get out and do things that you enjoy - to build relationships with people in real life that will build your confidence and meet your need for social interaction. I suggest that you spend some time thinking about what you want in a relationship and what a healthy relationship looks like.

As one who has just turned 40 and thought all the good ones were gone... Because the picking have certainly been slim over the past few years;). I can tell you that it is never too late to find that special someone. I have recently met someone wonderful and the relationship has been so easy and so fun! But, I did the work... I worked on my self-esteem, I developed my social skills, I put myself out there to meet people, I thought about what I wanted in a relationship and I let go of the fantasy/romantic notions that I had. And let me tell you, the reality has been better than the fantasy!

So, don't give up. But, you need to be ready and open to the opportunity when it presents itself... And don't be afraid to say no and walk away when it is clearly not what you want! Good luck.

Thanks so much for the encouraging advice. I really appreciate it. I feel so awful today about how things went with that man and how I felt so played with by him so it is great to get some positive advice here. thanks again;)

August 6, 2016

I think one of the problems is that I just cant seem to find anybody interesting enough to want to meet at this point. I dont have many strict requirements but I do want to be able to hold an intelligent conversation with a person and most I run into dont seem to be able to do so. It is rather sad..I think the pickings become slim when a person gets older in life.

In regards to living with my x...it is strictly for financial reasons..I am actually the one helping him out believe it or not. We are just friends at this point but I am guessing that some men I date might not really understand so I guess for that reason I figured it would be best to start as friends.

In one of your thread l remember asking you why you are online scraping the bottom of the baril, now l know. Chumly, no smart, fun, stable, grounded man will start a friendship or relationship with a woman living with her ex and l don't care for what reasons. An intelligent man will prefer dating a woman living under a bridge than one living with her ex. You need to end this agreement you have with your ex and part ways. If you are not ready to do this than expect dating to be some more of what you have got so far.

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am I justified to want another conversation with this man if I am going to meet him??

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