Seeing a guy in an open marriage but I want more

[Arieswoman]

OP,

There is a similar thread to this elsewhere, so I'm posting a similar response ;

 

From the other side as a BS - my exH cheated on me with a girl at work. He gave her a sob story about how unhappy he was, and what an awful marriage he had.

Never once did the silly girl ask herself ( or him, apparently ) why he was still there! We had no kids, I was working (and earning more than he did) and was capable of supporting myself. If he had really wanted that girl he would have made moves to leave. He didn't.

Like your MM he was weak and conflict avoident.

 

Please don't be like that silly girl.

 

And if he's "in an open marriage" then I have a bridge to sell you

[elaine567]

Even though he is getting those things from me, I am not 'safe' like she is. I'm not vanilla. That is what he is struggling with.

 

She is the "innocent" angel wife at home who loves him, who provides loving vanilla sex and you are the "devious" devil OW, who feeds his kinks but is also quite happy to hurt his angel wife.

He may like to play with the devil, but can he live with her? Probably not.

[anika99]

He hasn't left her because he said he's not miserable. He is just unfulfilled. He is scared that what he is looking for to be fulfilled is just a fantasy, Hence why he wanted to see what else was out there. it sounds to me like he'd rather be with her than be alone. Being married to her isn't terrible, she provide companionship and friendship. He is not sure whether he should be able to expect more from a marriage.

 

Even though he is getting those things from me, I am not 'safe' like she is. I'm not vanilla. That is what he is struggling with.

.

 

Friendship and companionship are very important elements to have in a long term relationship. Friendship can be the glue that holds the marriage together when things get tough. Friendship is a bond, moreso than hot sex. Hot sex in a marriage comes and goes, ebbs and flows. If you are not good friends with your spouse then when the sex wanes there is nothing holding the relationship together. If your MM feels like his wife is his best friend and companion then he is definitely not going to want to walk away from that. Don't underestimate the importance of friendship in a marriage, don't dismiss the bond he has with his wife like it's meaningless. I notice a lot of OW tend to think the hot sex and passion is the be all and end all of everything.

 

You think you are not vanilla but I suspect that if the MM left his wife to be with you, after many years together he would come to see you as vanilla too. Once you live with someone for years and get to know them inside and out the excitement and mystery tends to be replaced with security and friendship with occasional bouts of excitement and hot monkey sex.

[Toodaloo]

OP,

And if he's "in an open marriage" then I have a bridge to sell you

 

So annoying when others use this phrase because I do actually sell bridges...

 

I digress.

 

Zoe.

 

Stop wasting time on married men. Single men act single. Take your time to get to know them. Take your time and be careful with your emotions. Dip your toes before you dive in. That way you have a chance of being able to have a deeply fulfilling relationship. You do have to learn how to say no and mean no. It really is the only way.

 

Yes it is difficult. Lord I know as I struggle myself. But its the only way.

[Poppy47]

Zoe,

 

Do you know the old song "Never Smile at a Crocodile" ? No truer words were ever written.

 

Poppy.

[Arieswoman]

Toodaloo #54

 

No disrespect to your career, I was referring to this one;

 

Never Enough History: And If You Believe That, I Have A Bridge To Sell You

 

but I think you knew that .......

[sandylee1]

Is it really that unusual or immoral for people to ask their spouse for a separation in which you are dating other people? I get in this case it's not what the wife wanted. Well my husband did not want a divorce but it's what I wanted and what we got.

 

He is scared of being alone despite having me, because he's not so sure he has me. I've been hesitant to put 100% into this relationship for the reasons most of you were describing. I'm not all in until I know he is leaving his marriage. I am not pushing him to do so however.

 

I have a date tonight with a single guy, well at least he says he's single. not keeping my hopes up but we'll see how it goes .

 

Anything involving a romantic relationship with another man or woman while married is immoral and wrong. The right thing is to be HONEST about the reason you want a seperation.

 

So if a spouse says "I'm dating someone else and I want a seperation to see how things go with him/her, then they are being honest." At this point the adultery has already been committed, so how can you even question the morality of it.

 

If the other spouse agrees to the terms of seperation as described above, then more fool them. I would never lower myself to be the back up plan while I'm married.

 

What you're talking about if I understand correctly ... is seperate and test the waters and see how things go. So if there's nothing better out there I'll be back.

 

I could love someone to the moon and back, but the minute they uttered the words of seperation and dating, that would be the end, unless I myself wanted to date other men too. In which case I'd make that known there and then.

[Cherryz]

Fact is he is married.

Once you knew this you should have left asap!

 

And everyone you sleep with you will feel a connection with.

Because sex connect people. THATS why its made just for 2 married people so

they can connect also on that level.

 

You are very grown up, i dont understand how you in a divorce yourself but you

so easy to walk into something like this?

Havent you learn nothing about the hurt of affairs and want something better after a divorce?

 

THis guy know he just there to use you for sex. But he sure love his wife.

He need to get back and keep working on his issues with his wife.

INSTEAD OF RUNNING from them by messing around with you.

 

Break this affair and go find someone single after you take time to heal from the divorce and work on your self esteem.

[stillafool]

OP,

There is a similar thread to this elsewhere, so I'm posting a similar response ;

 

From the other side as a BS - my exH cheated on me with a girl at work. He gave her a sob story about how unhappy he was, and what an awful marriage he had.

Never once did the silly girl ask herself ( or him, apparently ) why he was still there! We had no kids, I was working (and earning more than he did) and was capable of supporting myself. If he had really wanted that girl he would have made moves to leave. He didn't.

Like your MM he was weak and conflict avoident.

 

Please don't be like that silly girl.

 

And if he's "in an open marriage" then I have a bridge to sell you

 

There was another BS on here last year who's husband was having an affair. When the BS found out about it she told her husband she wasn't going to fight for him but held the door open for him to leave and go to the OW. They didn't have children so there was no need for him to stay. He cried, pleaded and begged for his wife to take him back but she filed for divorce. OW have to be crazy to believe MM when they say bad things about their wives. Afterall he was the one who chose her and made her his wife. They aren't going to give the wife up that easy.

[Zoe11374]

His wife is holding the door open for him because she does not have any family or friends. She completely depends on him for everything. This is also what is contributing to his guilt. As far as it goes with people running back to their betrayed spouses after their affairs being found out, I believe that often has more to do with panic and fear then it has to do with truly wanting to be with their spouse. I experienced that myself after husband and I were divorcing and reality set in.

 

I have on several occasions advised MM to work out things with his wife. He says since he's already gone this far, he's not going back.

 

I agree, why did I get a divorce to be in a situation like this? I was cheated on by my ex-husband, so I know what it's like to be a BS. I have no problem getting dates, I had one Saturday night and another one lined up for this evening. The guy from Saturday night is been texting me constantly, saying he can't wait to see me again. I think he may be a little bit more sex driven then I would like, at least that's how he is coming across with his texts. I'm not sure how exactly to navigate that kind of situation. I'm not ready to jump in bed with every man I go on a date with

[Toodaloo]

Toodaloo #54

 

No disrespect to your career, I was referring to this one;

 

Never Enough History: And If You Believe That, I Have A Bridge To Sell You

 

but I think you knew that .......

 

I did

 

Just annoys me that others can use that phrase in the context it is intended but I can't!!!

 

His wife is holding the door open for him because she does not have any family or friends. She completely depends on him for everything. This is also what is contributing to his guilt. As far as it goes with people running back to their betrayed spouses after their affairs being found out, I believe that often has more to do with panic and fear then it has to do with truly wanting to be with their spouse. I experienced that myself after husband and I were divorcing and reality set in.

 

I have on several occasions advised MM to work out things with his wife. He says since he's already gone this far, he's not going back.

 

I agree, why did I get a divorce to be in a situation like this? I was cheated on by my ex-husband, so I know what it's like to be a BS. I have no problem getting dates, I had one Saturday night and another one lined up for this evening. The guy from Saturday night is been texting me constantly, saying he can't wait to see me again. I think he may be a little bit more sex driven then I would like, at least that's how he is coming across with his texts. I'm not sure how exactly to navigate that kind of situation. I'm not ready to jump in bed with every man I go on a date with

 

Zoe the married man is full of Bull *** the runny stuff. Forget him.

 

You will meet many unsuitable men before you meet your match. Just keep wading through it all.

[13Hearts]

Do yourself a small favor and try to consider the possibility, despite the seemingly heartfelt sharing of his innermost thoughts and feelings, that he actually does not feel the things he says he feels...

 

unfulfilled, scared, not sure, struggling, having a hard time, compassion

...

 

but that he has learned how to use these words to describe himself, so that he gets what he wants from others.

[HappyAgain2014]

Is it really that unusual or immoral for people to ask their spouse for a separation in which you are dating other people? I get in this case it's not what the wife wanted. Well my husband did not want a divorce but it's what I wanted and what we got.

 

He is scared of being alone despite having me, because he's not so sure he has me. I've been hesitant to put 100% into this relationship for the reasons most of you were describing. I'm not all in until I know he is leaving his marriage. I am not pushing him to do so however.

 

I have a date tonight with a single guy, well at least he says he's single. not keeping my hopes up but we'll see how it goes .

 

He's not separated. Separated is living elsewhere with different lives. This is furthered demonstrated by his lying on the dating website about being single.

 

You have put 100% into this affair by continuing it. Regardless of percentages, it's clearly enough for him because he's getting what he wants. Him vacillating between his wife having wonderful qualities you don't have and saying he's done with his marriage, you really have been told where you stand. He's not leaving.

 

Saying he's "done" is words. Leaving is action. You need to understand you're trying to solve a riddle with no answer. He will push you away with the truth and pull you back with a lie. It's the game MM play to tell you what you want to hear while providing a backdoor for them if you actually expect them to live up to what they said. All you get then is ...."I told you I couldn't leave but I WISH I could."

 

Don't expect to get bowled over by single men. No matter how interested they are, none will compare to a MM with an intense drive to manipulate. You're supposed to start slow. You're suppose to be able to make plans and keep them, contact him when you want, meet his friends and family, etc. You don't see it now, but you're throwing away the simple right to exist if you remain in this affair.

 

Please end this. You're coming out of a divorce. You're vulnerable and he knows it. Right now you think you can help him by relating to his "bad" marriage. Sadly, it has nothing to do with you other than your willingness to participate.

[Zoe11374]

Update- I put the breaks on this relationship. We then had s serious talk and he conveyed how serious he is about me and didn't want to lose me. He told his wife he wants a divorce, and she packed her stuff and left for 3 days. Then came back and is saying she wants to kill herself, that he's her entire world and without him she has nothing. He is totally torn apart by guilt but wants me to stay with him through this. I don't know what to say to him, because I don't want it to seem I'm pushing him to leave her even though he is doing that without my encouragement.

[CarrieT]

It is not your responsibility to support him through this and what he is doing is emotional blackmail.

 

Wish him well and tell him to call you when he is 100% single and available.

[Lobe]

I don't know what to say to him, because I don't want it to seem I'm pushing him to leave her even though he is doing that without my encouragement.

 

"I have too much self-respect to allow you to abuse my kindness and dignity to watch you play me off your wife to assuage your own guilt. Please get some help, for your betrayed wife and for yourself, and don't contact me until and unless you have a signed divorce."

[aileD]

Update- I put the breaks on this relationship. We then had s serious talk and he conveyed how serious he is about me and didn't want to lose me. He told his wife he wants a divorce, and she packed her stuff and left for 3 days. Then came back and is saying she wants to kill herself, that he's her entire world and without him she has nothing. He is totally torn apart by guilt but wants me to stay with him through this. I don't know what to say to him, because I don't want it to seem I'm pushing him to leave her even though he is doing that without my encouragement.

 

Yeah. Leave. He's not I got to leave his wife.

 

This was my husband. For a YEAR. Where is his OW now? Living in a car by herself with no family and friends on her side. He didn't want to lose her, he saw a future with her, was "soulmates" with her, promised a future, promised he'd Leave me, went apartment hunting with her.........until he left her alone with a lease she thought they were signing together but he wouldn't sign.

 

He's home, they have no contact, and she's still in her car.

 

Don't be her.

 

If you really love him and he really loves you. It can wait until the divorce is final. It will be hard but if he loves you, he'll go thru with the divorce then contact you for more.

 

If he doesn't.....then you'll know.

[Lobe]

Remember when he told you he was in an open relationship but that his wife didn't know about it? Remember when he told you he was scared to leave his wife because he had a stronger emotional connection to her than to you? Remember when he was on that dating site looking to see what was behind Door #3?

 

Zoe, cut and run. What happened to dating single men? I thought that was a thing for you now?

[maryquitecontrary]

Hey, Zoe, I really want to send you a PM, but for some reason I can't figure out how. Maybe I don't have enough posts to have that ability? Are you able to send me one? I'd really like to talk to you privately if you are willing:)

[Adoraxx]

hi Mary, you won't be able to send or receive pm's until after you've posted enough times

[stillafool]

Update- I put the breaks on this relationship. We then had s serious talk and he conveyed how serious he is about me and didn't want to lose me. He told his wife he wants a divorce, and she packed her stuff and left for 3 days. Then came back and is saying she wants to kill herself, that he's her entire world and without him she has nothing. He is totally torn apart by guilt but wants me to stay with him through this. I don't know what to say to him, because I don't want it to seem I'm pushing him to leave her even though he is doing that without my encouragement.

 

He's lying. I would think a woman your age would know better than to get involved with a married man.

[MidnightBlue1980]

He's lying. I would think a woman your age would know better than to get involved with a married man.

 

Hey now. It's not about age but wisdom, and that comes from experience.

[Zoe11374]

I've been on dates with about 10 single guys and can't seem to find the desire for any of them.

I know MM is not lying, I have overheard him on the phone with his mom and brother, and unless his whole family is in on an elaborate hoax then what he says must be true.

 

CarrieT- can you explain what you mean by this being emotional blackmail?

[CarrieT]

I've been on dates with about 10 single guys and can't seem to find the desire for any of them.

That is because you are still in contact with the MM and haven't emotionally moved on from the affair.

 

CarrieT- can you explain what you mean by this being emotional blackmail?

The whole bit with the "guilt" he is experiencing that he is trying to share and put on your shoulders as well. It is a method of binding him to you. It is a version of blackmail to get you to stay with him and help him through the process.

[BTDT2012]

Update- I put the breaks on this relationship. We then had s serious talk and he conveyed how serious he is about me and didn't want to lose me. He told his wife he wants a divorce, and she packed her stuff and left for 3 days. Then came back and is saying she wants to kill herself, that he's her entire world and without him she has nothing. He is totally torn apart by guilt but wants me to stay with him through this. I don't know what to say to him, because I don't want it to seem I'm pushing him to leave her even though he is doing that without my encouragement.

 

You say, "Bye-bye. If I am still available when the divorce is final I MIGHT entertain a discussion with you."