Seeing a guy in an open marriage but I want more

[anika99]

He has a wife and a mistress and he wants to keep it that way. That's called cake eating, doesn't matter who he is or isn't having sex with, it's about wanting to be greedy and keep everyone trapped right where they are.

 

He started off by lying to you, leading you to believe that he was available and yet suddenly you think he is being honest with you? Get a grip.

[oceansaway]

Leave him. Your helping him have it ALL. Having you is helping him with with marriage. He's using you you to cope with what is wrong at home. Don't let him "have it all". Let him suffer if things are "that" bad. He'll have to make a choice

[Maggie888]

He has already told you he doesnt have the emotional connection with you and that he doesmt want to leave his wife.

 

What more is there?? He is telling you this so believe him

 

Hell he is probably still on the dating site too

[whichwayisup]

Thank you all. I don't think he is cake eating because he said he is not having sex with his wife and moved into the guest bedroom. I know you'll say I shouldn't assume these the truth, but I don't want to assume it's a lie either.

He is telling you what you want to hear, and you're foolishly lying to yourself if you believe he has moved into the guest room and never has sex with his wife. This is false sense of security. You'd be better off facing reality which is he is married and lives life with his wife, in and out of the bedroom.

Accept it then put it out of your head.

I guess open marriage is not the correct term. It's more like a temporary "separation" he demanded of her. If he wanted to stay with his wife so badly why would he risk his marriage by telling her he's with someone else?

 

How do you know for sure he's told her anything? Many MM are very skilled liars and manipulators. Just keep your eyes open.

Also it is correct that I am vulnerable due to the void resulting to my divorce. ive met many single guys but it becomes apparent rather quickly why they are single. Or they have a brood of kids and I have none of my own, so don't want anyone else's either.

 

Bingo! Many MM (and MW) know how to push buttons and manipulate to get what they want (selfishly, not maliciously) so it seems your MM knows your weaknesses, knows that you're vulnerable so again, he's going to tell you what you want to hear.

[elaine567]

This

 

Ultimately, he's flat out told you that he doesn't connect to you like he does his wife and he's afraid to lose her.

 

And this

 

If he wanted to be with you so badly, why is he still living with her and telling you he's not seeing in you what he sees in her?

 

Zoe, I know you want him so badly and you want him to choose you, but he is a married man having an affair, a bit on the side, he doesn't want to choose you, he is happy enough the way things are.

 

After the trauma of your divorce, you can see yourself slotting nicely into this man's life as his wife, but that is not how situations like this work.

By not walking away as soon as you found out he was marred, you have accepted the role of the OW.

He gets annoyed when you bring up any "serious" stuff, as you are supposed to stay in your box as the OW, you are not supposed to demand or question anything.

You are acting above your station, and so he gets upset with you and puts you back in your place.

A place you either accept to the detriment of your own self esteem, your sanity and your happiness, or you walk away.

 

He doesn't need another wife, he already has one of those and he is in no hurry to leave her.

You could waste years of your life here, don't do it to yourself.

[Poppy47]

I don't want to shatter your illusions but MM in guest rooms not having sex with their wives, is all part of the usual deception.

Pinch of salt.

 

That is a pure classic!!!

 

Married Man on dating website???? First red flag and there are many others popping up all the time.

 

You are very vulnerable right now. Please protect your precious heart until you recover from your divorce. If you don't this insect will stomp all over your vulnerability and leave you wounded for a long time.

 

The LS community is trying to tell you. Please listen to the voices of experience.

 

Poppy.

[BuddyX]

Before you come up with all the buts, just remember he's on a dating site while still married. Do you think you're the only side piece?

 

You said he's afraid to leave. Any man who's to afraid to leave a "train wreck" is a big time pu$$y.

 

No sex with the wife? Please. Don't be so gullible. If you really want to check. Go over his house and tell her you're screwing her husband, if she gives you blessings to screw him, by all means have fun.

 

One last thing, after the Ashley Madison hack, all these guys who were looking for a side piece had to go somewhere. I've been on this forum for a while and I'm noticing a pattern.

Edited July 20, 2016 by BuddyX
Grammar

[sandylee1]

You want more .... He's not giving you more and doesn't want to give you more. The simple and sensible solution is to end it. You wont get more from him, because he's giving you what he wants.

 

You're incredibly naive to believe his lies.

 

This man DEMANDED an open relationship and you are happy with such a man? Good luck to you then.

[Toodaloo]

Thank you all. I don't think he is cake eating because he said he is not having sex with his wife and moved into the guest bedroom. I know you'll say I shouldn't assume these the truth, but I don't want to assume it's a lie either.

 

I guess open marriage is not the correct term. It's more like a temporary "separation" he demanded of her. If he wanted to stay with his wife so badly why would he risk his marriage by telling her he's with someone else?

 

Also it is correct that I am vulnerable due to the void resulting to my divorce. ive met many single guys but it becomes apparent rather quickly why they are single. Or they have a brood of kids and I have none of my own, so don't want anyone else's either.

 

Zoe

 

I know a man who, when he turned 70, started an affair with his wifes best friend... Now this man has a wife who adores him, worships the ground he walks on. They have been married for what... 50+ years. Got married in their teens. So for the past 8-9 months he has been spending the evenings (over night) and Sundays with the best friend then going back to his wife during the day. He is still banging the wife. I bet the best friend doesn't think he is because he stays over night with her but he is... regularly and pretty much every time he sees her...

 

This man you think is "yours" has lied to you from day one. He has proven himself to be a teller of porkie pies and you want to give him the benefit of the doubt and choose to think that all of a sudden he is telling the truth?

 

You are vulnerable and instead of protecting yourself and taking your time and learning how to protect yourself from this and learning how to make better choices you are jumping into the mouth of the predator while waving your arms in the air screaming take me baby! Are you Bambi?

 

Damn girl they are some thick rose tinted glasses you have on there! Are you sure its not a blind fold!

 

Go back to the drawing board. Get rid of this guy. You want more and you are not going to get it. Go back and wade through all the unsuitable ones and find someone you match with. There will be someone, but you have to start making better choices than this. Any man worth half his salt will not want to date a woman who chases other womens husbands... Quit it now while you are ahead.

 

I know some of these posts must be hard for you to read but you have to start taking them on board and listening or you are going to end up with serious amounts of egg on your face. Grow some self respect and grow some dignity. Most of all grow some balls and tell that man to hoick his pearly else where. Fast.

[stillafool]

Thank you all. I don't think he is cake eating because he said he is not having sex with his wife and moved into the guest bedroom. I know you'll say I shouldn't assume these the truth, but I don't want to assume it's a lie either.

 

I guess open marriage is not the correct term. It's more like a temporary "separation" he demanded of her. If he wanted to stay with his wife so badly why would he risk his marriage by telling her he's with someone else?

 

Also it is correct that I am vulnerable due to the void resulting to my divorce. ive met many single guys but it becomes apparent rather quickly why they are single. Or they have a brood of kids and I have none of my own, so don't want anyone else's either.

 

Trust me, if his wife is begging and pleading for him to stay in the marriage they are having sex. She knows sex is a way to keep him there and don't think for one minute she isn't using it and he's gladly taking it.

[awkward]

What did the texts between MM and his wife say exactly? The ones where you confirmed she knows they are separated, not sleeping together still, and knows about you.

 

Since he doesn't have kids, why does he want to stay with his wife so bad? He has you.

[Zoe11374]

One of the main reasons he hasn't left his wife is because of guilt. He says well he's no longer in love with her, he cares about her and wants her to come to terms with that before pulling the plug. I would say that obviously this is not the right approach, however I understand how hard it is to leave a spouse even if you don't have kids. It took me two years to get up the courage to leave my husband and we didn't have kids. It was hard for me to get over the sorrow, the guilt and also the fear that I might be making a mistake. So I do empathize with his reasons for not leaving her right away.

 

As far as the text messages go, I saw a text where she asked him if he was staying over my house that particular night. I do not have any proof that he is sleeping in a separate bedroom every night. I do know that she has offered him sex to keep him there. He swears up and down that they are not having sex and he is sleeping in a different room, maybe I am foolish to believe this is true. I'm pretty good at seeing through deception however. It's how I suspected he was married.

 

I'm not sure why he has the spell on me. He has a lot of qualities I'm just not finding in single men. He's attractive without being a pretty boy, intelligent, sophisticated, has his own business, sensitive, we have many similar interests and opinions. I suppose I could eventually find that in a single man. It's just so hard right now to overcome the loneliness

Edited July 20, 2016 by Zoe11374

[loveisanaction]

One of the main reasons he hasn't left his wife is because of guilt. He says well he's no longer in love with her, he cares about her and wants her to come to terms with that before pulling the plug. I would say that obviously this is not the right approach, however I understand how hard it is to leave a spouse even if you don't have kids. It took me two years to get up the courage to leave my husband and we didn't have kids. It was hard for me to get over the sorrow, the guilt and also the fear that I might be making a mistake. So I do empathize with his reasons for not leaving her right away.

 

As far as the text messages go, I saw a text where she asked him if he was staying over my house that particular night. I do not have any proof that he is sleeping in a separate bedroom every night. I do know that she has offered him sex to keep him there. He swears up and down that they are not having sex and he is sleeping in a different room, maybe I am foolish to believe this is true. I'm pretty good at seeing through deception however. It's how I suspected he was married.

 

I'm not sure why he has the spell on me. He has a lot of qualities I'm just not finding in single men. He's attractive without being a pretty boy, intelligent, sophisticated, has his own business, sensitive, we have many similar interests and opinions. I suppose I could eventually find that in a single man. It's just so hard right now to overcome the loneliness

 

There is a difference between being lonely and being alone. It's okay being alone for a while. Being alone enables you to reflect on the past and gives you insight on how you want your future to be. Being alone gives you time to look within yourself so that you can draw strength from yourself and learn to love yourself rather than depending on someone else to do it for you.

 

If you want to fend off being lonely, pick up a hobby, make new friends, learn a new language, volunteer at your local shelter. You don't fend off loneliness by having an affair with somebody else's husband.

 

His wife is miserable because of you, that all alone should tug at your conscience. You should never want happiness so badly that it is at the expense of someone else's misery.

[Lobe]

You're trying to fix a sucking chest wound with a bandaid. What you need isn't something to patch the hole, you need to repair and heal the hole.

 

It sounds like you're terrified of being alone. So terrified that you've decided it's ok to delude yourself and be treated like a second class citizen.

 

He's not going to leave his wife if you continue in a relationship with him. Read that over and over again. Regardless of what he tells you, he has no regard for her feelings or yours. Only his own. I'm tempted to say he's still on the dating site looking to see if Door #3 has the woman you are combined with the woman his wife is. Have you checked to see if he has an active dating profile lately?

 

If you're hoping someone here is going to tell you it all works out for the AP, well, you're already used to disappointment. Expect more disappointment.

 

Statistics: most affairs last a max of 2 years with most petering out or being discovered around the 6 month mark. Of the affairs where the WS leaves the BS for the AP, less than 5% end in marriage/long term relationships, and of that 5%, I've seen figures anywhere from 60%-80% divorce rate on second marriages. Mathematically speaking you therefore have a better chance of catching a duck fart in a beer bottle on a windy day than getting your happily ever after.

 

Seriously, write a letter. I know you're not into kids so instead of writing to your child, write a letter giving advice to your closest friend, a cherished cousin, a beloved parent or sibling or niece standing in your shoes. If it was me writing you a letter I would say break up with him and when he shows up with a finalized divorce, never trust a word he says.

[Lady Hamilton]

One of the main reasons he hasn't left his wife is because of guilt. He says well he's no longer in love with her, he cares about her and wants her to come to terms with that before pulling the plug. I would say that obviously this is not the right approach, however I understand how hard it is to leave a spouse even if you don't have kids. It took me two years to get up the courage to leave my husband and we didn't have kids. It was hard for me to get over the sorrow, the guilt and also the fear that I might be making a mistake. So I do empathize with his reasons for not leaving her right away.

 

So I get that... My AP had severe guilt issues that caused him to bounce back and forth.

 

That said, never once did he ever say "I'm afraid of losing her," or "I don't connect with you like I do her," or "I'm worried I'll never find somebody who has her qualities again." He said the opposite a lot... "I want to leave," "we have no connection at all and I'm scared to lose what we have by staying with my wife," and "I never want that kind of marriage or relationship again."

 

But never, not once, did he say he was scared to lose her.

 

As far as the text messages go, I saw a text where she asked him if he was staying over my house that particular night. I do not have any proof that he is sleeping in a separate bedroom every night. I do know that she has offered him sex to keep him there. He swears up and down that they are not having sex and he is sleeping in a different room, maybe I am foolish to believe this is true. I'm pretty good at seeing through deception however. It's how I suspected he was married.

 

Not to pop a bubble here, but your ability to perceive a situation isn't as keen as you'd think.

 

If she's offering him sex to keep him and doesn't want him to leave, then she's trying to sleep with him. If she's trying and you think he's never, ever giving in to that... Especially considering how he bemoans the idea of losing her and their connection that he even says is better than yours? Then honey, I have a bridge to sell you.

 

I'm not sure why he has the spell on me. He has a lot of qualities I'm just not finding in single men. He's attractive without being a pretty boy, intelligent, sophisticated, has his own business, sensitive, we have many similar interests and opinions. I suppose I could eventually find that in a single man. It's just so hard right now to overcome the loneliness

 

Loneliness isn't worth sleeping with a guy who's telling you that you don't have what he wants.

[13Hearts]

Thank you all. I don't think he is cake eating because he said he is not having sex with his wife and moved into the guest bedroom. I know you'll say I shouldn't assume these the truth, but I don't want to assume it's a lie either.

 

I guess open marriage is not the correct term. It's more like a temporary "separation" he demanded of her. If he wanted to stay with his wife so badly why would he risk his marriage by telling her he's with someone else?

 

Also it is correct that I am vulnerable due to the void resulting to my divorce. ive met many single guys but it becomes apparent rather quickly why they are single. Or they have a brood of kids and I have none of my own, so don't want anyone else's either.

 

Are you sure you are not with my xMM? Because he told me the same things. Separated from wife but living in same house, working on divorce, can't leave because he feels so guilty, living separate lives, sleeping in separate bedrooms. He even sent me pictures of his bedroom.

 

He fed me these lines for YEARS, and I believed them, gave him the benefit of the doubt, bided my time to see what he would actually do. And guess what? He's still in the exact same place, living in the family home, taking family vacations together, etc. Still not dating me like he promised. Told me the same things yours told you.

 

Let me give you a little advice, since I am three or four years ahead of you.

 

STOP giving him the benefit of the doubt.

STOP biding your time to see what he will do.

STOP having sex with him.

DO NOT enter into a "pick me" or "he thinks I'm better than her" mindset.

START looking on the dating website and going on dates with others.

STOP letting him sleep over.

START accepting that your boyfriend is JUST A MARRIED GUY CHEATING ON HIS WIFE!

Edited July 20, 2016 by 13Hearts

[Zoe11374]

Thanks everyone, I really am taking all of this advice to heart. It is a bit difficult for me to except. I know this might not seem very smart, however if I end this with him, I don't want to do so because I'm assuming that he's lying. Long ago I ended a relationship because of an assumption that turned out to not be true, and deeply regretted it. If he is such a liar, he could have continued this with me without telling his wife about me. That's how most affairs go. He told her so that he could continue seeing me without all the deception. Also, he'd be feeding me lines that he loves me and he's definitely leaving her and that will be together forever. He's not saying this, he is telling me what's on his mind whether I like what I'm hearing or not. This tells me he's got some sort of underlying honesty with and him.

 

Based on everything I know, I do believe that he realized he married the wrong person, and is wanting to have someone else lined up to go to if he leaves her. He did not say he is scared of losing her, I think he is more scared of being alone.

 

However, I do believe that I deserve better than less as many are saying here. I went back on the dating site as suggested and I'm trying to set up dates with other people.

[Lobe]

Based on everything I know, I do believe that he realized he married the wrong person, and is wanting to have someone else lined up to go to if he leaves her. He did not say he is scared of losing her, I think he is more scared of being alone.

 

However, I do believe that I deserve better than less as many are saying here. I went back on the dating site as suggested and I'm trying to set up dates with other people.

 

Lining someone up before you ditch the wife whether it's done "openly" or covertly is a horrible exit strategy. In fact, doing it openly is probably the most dehumanizing thing that POS boyfriend of yours could do to a person he claims to love.

 

He lies to you. The sooner you are able to stop pretending that your situation is unique or different, the sooner you will be free from him.

 

Put YOU in the driver's seat!

[sandylee1]

He did not say he is scared of losing her, I think he is more scared of being alone.

 

.

 

Why would he be scared of being alone, when he has you ready and waiting? Does that make sense to you?

 

It's terrible that desperation in some women pushes them to lower all moral standards and use the fact that you can't find a good single man, as justification to sleep with another woman's husband.

 

It's not justifiable. Keep searching.

[Zoe11374]

Is it really that unusual or immoral for people to ask their spouse for a separation in which you are dating other people? I get in this case it's not what the wife wanted. Well my husband did not want a divorce but it's what I wanted and what we got.

 

He is scared of being alone despite having me, because he's not so sure he has me. I've been hesitant to put 100% into this relationship for the reasons most of you were describing. I'm not all in until I know he is leaving his marriage. I am not pushing him to do so however.

 

I have a date tonight with a single guy, well at least he says he's single. not keeping my hopes up but we'll see how it goes .

Edited July 23, 2016 by Zoe11374

[Cloudcuckoo]

Is it really that unusual or immoral for people to ask their spouse for a separation in which you are dating other people? I get in this case it's not what the wife wanted. Well my husband did not want a divorce but it's what I wanted and what we got.

 

He is scared of being alone despite having me, because he's not so sure he has me. I've been hesitant to put 100% into this relationship for the reasons most of you were describing. I'm not all in until I know he is leaving his marriage. I am not pushing him to do so however.

 

I have a date tonight with a single guy, well at least he says he's single. not keeping my hopes up but we'll see how it goes .

 

 

It might not be unusual but it still smacks of someone so self absorbed they can't see anyone else's discomfort.

 

As you've just said, you wanted a divorce and got one despite your ex husband's objections, so why isn't your 'boyfriend' doing the same?

 

Because he's full of horse manure I wager.....

 

I fail to understand why you've insisted on keeping those rose tinted glasses frankly.

 

I don't believe for one minute his wife knows the truth. You're both being subjected to a manipulator's fabrications...

[elaine567]

People who are up front and honest, tend to act in up front and honest ways. They separate by moving out, by selling the house, by buying/ renting a new apartment, by making it clear to their spouse that the marriage is over, and they file for divorce. They thus move cleanly on.

 

They do not sneak about on dating sites whilst still married and still staying in the marital home. They do not try to con people, they do not play the victim (btw "My wife doesn't understand me" has to be the oldest trick in the book).

They do not force their reluctant spouse into "open" arrangements, they do not keep two women dangling at the same time, they do not tell porkies about sleeping in the guest room...

[Zoe11374]

He hasn't left her because he said he's not miserable. He is just unfulfilled. He is scared that what he is looking for to be fulfilled is just a fantasy, Hence why he wanted to see what else was out there. it sounds to me like he'd rather be with her than be alone. Being married to her isn't terrible, she provide companionship and friendship. He is not sure whether he should be able to expect more from a marriage.

 

Even though he is getting those things from me, I am not 'safe' like she is. I'm not vanilla. That is what he is struggling with.

 

I totally agree about him dangling 2 women. I don't think it's right, for me or for her. He says he's having such a hard time breaking it off with her because he has compassion for her and hate to see her hurt and crying. Dragging this out the way he is I think is causing more hurt and crying. And not just for her but for me as well.

 

I'm trying to focus on seeing other people. I went on a date last night and the guy was really nice and attractive. I wasn't feeling anything however, and it's because My feelings are with MM.

[Poppy47]

He hasn't left her because he said he's not miserable. He is just unfulfilled. He is scared that what he is looking for to be fulfilled is just a fantasy, Hence why he wanted to see what else was out there. it sounds to me like he'd rather be with her than be alone. Being married to her isn't terrible, she provide companionship and friendship. He is not sure whether he should be able to expect more from a marriage.

 

Even though he is getting those things from me, I am not 'safe' like she is. I'm not vanilla. That is what he is struggling with.

 

I totally agree about him dangling 2 women. I don't think it's right, for me or for her. He says he's having such a hard time breaking it off with her because he has compassion for her and hate to see her hurt and crying. Dragging this out the way he is I think is causing more hurt and crying. And not just for her but for me as well.

 

I'm trying to focus on seeing other people. I went on a date last night and the guy was really nice and attractive. I wasn't feeling anything however, and it's because My feelings are with MM.

 

He's not having a hard time at all. He's having a fantastic time. Vanilla at home and exotic on the side.

Poppy,

[Lady Hamilton]

He hasn't left her because he said he's not miserable. He is just unfulfilled. He is scared that what he is looking for to be fulfilled is just a fantasy, Hence why he wanted to see what else was out there. it sounds to me like he'd rather be with her than be alone. Being married to her isn't terrible, she provide companionship and friendship. He is not sure whether he should be able to expect more from a marriage.

 

Even though he is getting those things from me, I am not 'safe' like she is. I'm not vanilla. That is what he is struggling with.

 

Yeah... Again... This isn't what a guy who wants to leave says, neither to his wife or to the woman he wants to leave her for. It's also a danger sign that when real life soaks back in, either to his marriage or his relationship with his next woman, he will wander off again.

 

I totally agree about him dangling 2 women. I don't think it's right, for me or for her. He says he's having such a hard time breaking it off with her because he has compassion for her and hate to see her hurt and crying. Dragging this out the way he is I think is causing more hurt and crying. And not just for her but for me as well.

 

But that's not the whole story... He's telling you it's not just about not wanting her to cry. He's worried that he won't have with anybody else what he has with her. He's worried about if things don't work out, he won't have her. Not that he won't have you. That he won't have her.

 

He's on a marital field trip. He won't leave and, if he does, it won't be for long. He'll go back to her as long as she will have him, and it sounds like she will have him for awhile. She holds the door open for him to go be with you as long as it means he comes back... And he's not telling her he won't ever come back because he's scared to lose her. That says something.

 

I'm trying to focus on seeing other people. I went on a date last night and the guy was really nice and attractive. I wasn't feeling anything however, and it's because My feelings are with MM.

 

Few and far between are the times you find a great love on a first date, especially when you go in saying you love somebody else and there's nothing you can do about it.

 

I think you need to explore that medium between dating this guy or dating any other guy. I think you need to maybe take a time out from relationships for a bit. This guy isn't available and any other guy you date isn't to be with them but to prove why you should be the one who won't be with you.