Angelica21 Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 I'm going to try this out but I'm wondering how should I approach this new relationship she wants to have? Actually, this is the easiest part of the plan, and will be most successful if you treat it like a co-worker relationship or roommate relationship. I think all of us realize that there are millions of marriages where the "zing" has gone out of the husband-and-wife relationship, but they stay together for various reasons and have a pleasant existence by focusing on family activities. In fact, you might try posting in a non-divorce section of LoveShack and don't tell your whole story. Just post something like "My wife and I don't seem to love each other any more, but we've discussed it and both of us agree that we want to stay together as a family and focus on the children, plus have it a little easier financially than we would if we were divorced. Does anyone else have a marriage and family situation like that? How do you make it work, any ideas to help us?" Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 No one can save you from yourself. Don't worry once she gets on her feet she'll find another man. Serial cheaters never quit. Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 Wow!!! Thank you for not going easy on me. I appreciate the honesty and not sugar coating anything. You are all so right, I guess apart of me feels like I've failed as a parent and a husband and my self esteem is pretty low because of what she's done to me and the pain she's caused me. I've put her on a pedestal and you probably saying WHY!!!!! SHES NOT WORTHY!!!... I'm no brad pitt or vin diesel. I'm a pretty average guy, skinny and tall and I feel like I lucked out with her in how beautiful she is and I tend to look past her flaws and mistakes just to be with her. As I've mentioned before I've tried dating other girls since our separation but no one has ever compared to her in the "looks" department even though they were really nice and good people. I have my priorities all messed up and I need to find a way to let that go and focus on rebuilding who I once was. She's broken me down to nothing and she does have control over me, I can't tell her nothing, she pretty much does what she wants, goes where she wants and I don't have a say in any of it... I know it's going against everyone's advice but I'm going to give this a try for my own piece of mind whether it works out or not. I'm not going to waste a huge amount of time in this, I'm thinking I'm going to give it atleast 6 months to see how things are going. Right now they seem ok and she wants me to move back in with her and I've been spending a lot of time at her place and staying the night. It's as if I never left 4yrs ago, we picked up where we left off. I'm going to be posting on here to update everyone how things are going and how she is treating me and what I'm doing on my end to try and make it work. Thank you again for all your replies and most of all thank you for not sugar coating anything in regards to your opinions and advice. I truly appreciate each and one of you for taking the time to read my story and give me feedback. God Bless you all... Mr. Dazed Stay tuned for more...... If you listened to the advice here you could well be over her in 6 months without an incurable std that you have to explain to every girl you date going forward. But you have to do what's right for you. You are a grown man and have to make your own mistakes. Link to post Share on other sites
doble Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 All I can say is, 10 characters Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 Would you want your 2 sons to be cheated on and treated like plan Z by a woman? Because that's exactly what you're doing here. They are more likely to be doormats in the future following your lead. Of course she'll cheat again .... it's just a matter of time, but hopefully you won't be suprised when it happens. Once she finds a fool to take her off your hands, she'll be gone. If you base a woman purely on her looks, then you'll continue to be used and disrespected. I'd rather an average looking wife with morals, who loved me, than one who gets pregnant by another man any day (that's if I was a man of course). Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrDazed Posted July 20, 2016 Author Share Posted July 20, 2016 Thank you again for all your comments and advice. I know this will all probably end up being the wrong decision because I don't think our relationship can ever be repaired but at the same time I'm grateful and thankful that I have my kids everyday now. I think what I have to get over is that if I'm going to do this, I have to let go of the love I have for her and basically be roomates/friends. Last night we had a good dinner with the whole family, it was nice to see everyone laughing and the kids enjoying having me home. After dinner and some tv we went to bed and I laid there with my wife and the whole time she was on her phone texting. I get this ugly feeling in my stomach because I always think shes up to no good or talking to the other guy or a new guy. I have to let that go and just accept that we are co-parenting in this marriage and no love is there. We'll see how this all continues Thanks again Mr. Dazed Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 After dinner and some tv we went to bed and I laid there with my wife and the whole time she was on her phone texting. I get this ugly feeling in my stomach because I always think shes up to no good or talking to the other guy or a new guy. Why not insist on some ground rules? If she wants both your presence and support, no reason why she wouldn't agree to transparency in communication with others. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 Thank you again for all your comments and advice. I know this will all probably end up being the wrong decision because I don't think our relationship can ever be repaired but at the same time I'm grateful and thankful that I have my kids everyday now. I think what I have to get over is that if I'm going to do this, I have to let go of the love I have for her and basically be roomates/friends. Last night we had a good dinner with the whole family, it was nice to see everyone laughing and the kids enjoying having me home. After dinner and some tv we went to bed and I laid there with my wife and the whole time she was on her phone texting. I get this ugly feeling in my stomach because I always think shes up to no good or talking to the other guy or a new guy. I have to let that go and just accept that we are co-parenting in this marriage and no love is there. We'll see how this all continues Thanks again Mr. Dazed After dinner and some tv we went to bed and I laid there with my wife and the whole time she was on her phone texting. i live with an ex ...he is actually an ex once removed...so i had a relationship for fifteen years after i was with him.....one thing we have never done since our split and becoming friends is sleep together or lie with each other..you say you are room mates.......but you keep calling her your wife...you sleep beside her i am gathering and you get a sick feeling in your stomach when she is on her phone......you get that sick feeling because you are secretly hoping for a full reconciliation....you are in for a whole load of heartache...and what she is doing doesnt involve thinking about you at all...where as you....are only thinking of her and putting your own needs and desires aside.....dont do it......you dont have to be smart or an intellectual...to be loved by someone......and to know love...you wont ever have that love you deserve staying the way you are now....... there are no excuses for bad behaviour from a spouse......no past molestation included...if she is hung up on promiscuous behaviors because she was molested...then she needs counselling and or psychiatric help..not your help ...if she behaves badly she needs consequences...you arent giving her any sort of boundary.....people who have been molested can still have healthy relationships ......it takes an understanding of self and yes therapy......you actually arent helping her by condoning the relationship you find yourself in...and it isnt leading by example with your kids on what is healthy and what is not.....they see you go to bed together...you have family dinners......they see it all...that includes your wifes constant texting to others...kids arent stupid.......save heartache for all of you...and deal with this as a man who wants the best for his family...show them whats right and what is not...if you have no self respect.......then at least do whats right to allow your kids to have respect for you.you will need that respect from your kids even more when teen years hit...trust me.... do whats right by you....and whats right by the kids will follow....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrDazed Posted July 21, 2016 Author Share Posted July 21, 2016 Thanks to all again for the advice. What I've been thinking most of the day is, is it possible for me and my wife to be together for the kids and raise them together and not have any kind of real relationship with eachother? I've read on other places that sometimes this works and the kids grow up to be healthy and good kids vs. getting divorced and the kids turning out bad.... Any thoughts on this? I know I need to let go of the fact that there may not be any type of loving relationship between us so I'm trying to accept the fact that this IS really a business deal where we pay off bills and stay together for the kids and raise them together. She should be home soon so I'll update later tonight as to how the evening went. She texted me earlier today and said she wanted us to talk about everything because she can tell I'm hurting inside and she said she wants me to feel comfortable and trust her. So we'll see how this talk goes... Stay tuned!! Mr. Dazed Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Women find weakness unnattractive. She'll move on again at some point. Unless you want stuck with child support make sure your name isn't on the birth certificate Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Wow!!! As I've mentioned before I've tried dating other girls since our separation but no one has ever compared to her in the "looks" department even though they were really nice and good people. I have my priorities all messed up and I need to find a way to let that go and focus on rebuilding who I once was. Yeah well beauty's only skin deep but ugliness goes straight through to the bone. So go ahead and pretend your one great big happy family and when she has another kid that isn't yours and you wind up with a bunch of blisters on your "Johnson" then remember all the people her that warned you. Sorry but one gets what one deserves. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 stay together for the kids Be honest. You're not doing this for your kids but for YOU. Your still in-love with a woman that doesn't love you. You try to convince yourself that you can handle her not caring about you. It won't work because you still care! It works for her because she only see's you as an option. What will you do if she decides to start dating someone? She has you as the best babysitter going. She might even tell you how the dates went, in detail. I think it will destroy you. A heart can only take so much before it breaks for good. For your emotional health take a different path that really focuses on your kids and not on YOU. Tell yourself the truth. Don't lie about your intentions and I think it will become much clearer about what you should do. Love yourself first and then share that love with someone who is worthy! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrDazed Posted July 21, 2016 Author Share Posted July 21, 2016 Good Evening everyone, Well something very interesting happened tonight and I'm not sure how to handle it or how to interpret it. We had our talk and it was pretty down to earth type of conversation. She said that she had fallen out of love with me a long time ago and has always wanted out of the marriage and that is why she cheated. She said this time around she hopes that maybe we can work on our marriage even though she said this is more of a business agreement. I don't know how to read into that, I had told her that I have a ton of trust issues and she said she wants me to trust her and that she isn't talking to anyone and that she has ended all talks with the other guy (the babys father) She feels that she has caused so much damage to us, to our kids, to me and that she can't take any of it back. She wants to be good and dedicate her life to us and to God. I don't know if this is all a bunch of crap she's feeding me or if she is really sincere. Well now to what happened after our talk that has thrown me for a loop. She went to the bathroom to take a shower and left her phone out and the insecure person that I am looked at her text messages and low and behold she was talking to the babys father. Before reading any of it I automatically thought she still loves him and wants to be with him and she's lieing to me again. Well from what I can recall, the messages back and forth was somewhat ending things for good between the both of them. He wasn't begging her to stay and she was telling him that she got tired of waiting for him to leave his wife and that there is no more chance for them to be together and that she simply got tired of being alone. She told him that God wants families to be together and that is why she wants to try with me. She told him that no one will ever replace him and that even though our marriage isn't the best that she wants to try but that she will never love anyone as much as she loved him. She ended the conversation with something like, she wasn't going to bother him anymore and goodbye.... What do you all think? Mr. Dazed Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Those types of relationships are rarely over with just one goodbye session. And the fact that she brings up God is just plain hysterical to me. I'm not at all religious but for her to throw that in after everything she has done is completely mind boggling. I think she THINKS it's over with that guy but all he has to do is snap his fingers and she'll be right back with him. Here's the deal with this situation you're in. Only time -- and lots of it -- will tell you whether she's trustworthy or not. Perhaps she's aging now and realizing the folly of her ways. But if I were in your shoes, I'd be sleeping in a separate bed and I would lay the law down with her about a whole lot of things. Someone else mentioned this already but women do not respect weak men. As long as you let her lead you around by the nose, she will disrespect you at every turn. The other problem you're dealing with is the sexual abuse from her past. A lot of people that came from situations like this are often extremely promiscuous. This is the only way she knows how to get love and affection. She has no self-esteem and she married a man -- you -- who also has low self-esteem. Funny how that works, huh? If you really want to change the dynamics of this relationship, you're going to need to find your self-worth and learn to lead your family like a man in control of things. Not to be confused with becoming a controlling man. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 What do you all think? Mr. Dazed Just like everyone told you on page one...you are number 2. If he leaves his wife, she will leave you..end of story. Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery2Me Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 (edited) Dear Mr Dazed, You (I am sorry to say) are the ultimate cheater/liar/abandoner in your toxic marriage. Why do I say this...because you have shamelessly betrayed yourself choosing to offer on a sliver platter you power to everyone...so you can embraced being a martyr. Martyrdom is the identify you crave..... so of course you must be create a life rich in dysfunction, and just like any addict the dose of drug (makeup/break-up) must escalate to satisfy your growing martyr appetite. This is why you almost gloat in sharing the gory details of your co-dependant life...taking on everyone's children, starving for a cheating wife, average looks For example you've set the drama escalation regarding this person you call a wife (of course her actions are inexcusable and that is why they are tasty martyr treats): First. She is great person, Godly, beautiful and out of your league....but soon you needed more Second. She cheated on you....still you needed more to feed the addiction Third. She whom believes in God and family continued to break the marriage covenant to carry the child of a married man....still not enough Fourth. STD Herpes....are you not concerned about HIV?? You seriously need help as you are clearly powerlessly addicted to being the martyr in a co-dependant relationship. Finally you claim to care about the children, but other than providing the colorful background of your story have failed to mention how they are coping. Additionally have you considered the other man's wife and children or should they like your children in your life pay the high cost of unhappiness so you can feed your addiction. Please get some help if for not children between you and this wife, but for the children you have recruited to provide additional background to your story. Be well, Mystery Edited July 21, 2016 by Mystery2Me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 You know she doesn't love you. The inmates don't love you, either. Would you want to be tied down to one of them on parole even as a roommate? What has she done in the last four years to prove she would be a safe partner? You mention nothing about this. She already proved herself to be an unsafe partner so how do you live always suspecting her of cheating? Somebody earlier mentioned Plan B. Do you want to volunteer to be her Plan B? Your thinking is so self defeating that it's difficult to comment further without running afoul of the LS posting rules. You might consider counseling about your self esteem. It's absence is why you are considering being with her again. She needs financial and child raising help and you are the only port in that storm. Just don't do it! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Wow!!! Thank you for not going easy on me. I appreciate the honesty and not sugar coating anything. You are all so right, I guess apart of me feels like I've failed as a parent and a husband and my self esteem is pretty low because of what she's done to me and the pain she's caused me. I've put her on a pedestal and you probably saying WHY!!!!! SHES NOT WORTHY!!!... I'm no brad pitt or vin diesel. I'm a pretty average guy, skinny and tall and I feel like I lucked out with her in how beautiful she is and I tend to look past her flaws and mistakes just to be with her. As I've mentioned before I've tried dating other girls since our separation but no one has ever compared to her in the "looks" department even though they were really nice and good people. I have my priorities all messed up and I need to find a way to let that go and focus on rebuilding who I once was. She's broken me down to nothing and she does have control over me, I can't tell her nothing, she pretty much does what she wants, goes where she wants and I don't have a say in any of it... ...... You're kidding, right? It's amazing what a man will put up with just to have a beautiful woman in his house. Link to post Share on other sites
DancingInTheDark85 Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Mr Dazed, if I may, you deserve so much better than this. It isn't fair for her to neglect you at her leisure, sleep with other men, leave you for other men, then still have you to return to whenever she changes her mind. You deserve a woman who, like you, is fully committed and dedicated to the relationship. Of course this is your life and only you can know what is best, and only you can make the decision that you will have to live with. But from a neutral viewpoint and this much information . . . this doesn't sound like the right start to a happy marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 What do you all think? Mr. Dazed Well, I think she lied to you about being in touch with him, as the texts indicate. Regardless, how would she end contact with the father of her child? Parenting issues alone will tie them together. Mr. D, the questions you should be asking is this - Can I live with and raise children with a woman I'm in love with who loves someone else? Can I handle the pain of her continued contact with him? Is the benefit to me kids worth the cost to me? That's the heart of the matter... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
davidvillasor Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 are you serious? she cheated you multiple times and you are still in a relationship with her. avoid. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted July 23, 2016 Share Posted July 23, 2016 Don't marry her. If she insists, given her demonstrated history of multiple affairs, you must realize she's looking for financial support and security that you will eventually forgive her affairs. And that makes you her chump. Who cares how beautiful you think she is. Beauty fades. Don't plan your future on her staying as beautiful as she is or was. And what sort of life lesson are you teaching these multiple kids? Good luck for those 6 months. Don't tell her she's on parole for 6 months. You of all people should know that potential parolees can get and keep their **** together for 6 months. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 She had a terrible experience as a child with her father that she doesnt like to talk about and it involves some touching. Maybe this is the reason why she does what she does with other men. Stop making excuses for her. She obviously feels NO need at all to try to understand what makes her act in this reprehensible way but as long as you're continually willing to excuse it, why should she? Even after all that has happened between us I still love her deeply and I've tried to date other women but it never worked out because I still have feelings for my wife and I want our family to work out. Well now, you're contradicting yourself because in your original post in this thread, you said this: I still have heartache for what she did, there is no trust and we don't really have any love between us but I'm willing to work on it and to see if we can rekindle the fire.. Soooo...which is it? What I've been thinking most of the day is, is it possible for me and my wife to be together for the kids and raise them together and not have any kind of real relationship with each other? I've read on other places that sometimes this works and the kids grow up to be healthy and good kids vs. getting divorced and the kids turning out bad.... Any thoughts on this? The word that comes to mind is 'cuckold.' It's almost like you enjoy being humiliated and disrespected and devalued and degraded - over and over and over again. Truth is, you ceased to be a victim a long time ago and have become a volunteer. I just don't understand why, and genuinely feel sorry for you that you've chosen to completely swallow your dignity. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 Basically only read you post and I hope you are seeing a therapist about co dependency or whatever is allowing you to continue to want to be a part of this emotional abuse. Your wife is a serial cheater who has basically lied to you the entire marriage and you are thinking of going back for more. You are in a fog not her. She knows what she wants. She dumped you for her boyfriend, had his baby, and now wants you to support her and his child. You speak about trust. How the hell are you going to trust her to have broken contact with all of the other men that she has been seeing and interacting with aside from this OM whose baby she had. Personally, I do not think you will listen to any advice that makes sense. If your friend or brother told you this story, what would you tell them to do??? Link to post Share on other sites
fenix Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 Wow... you really need to be desperate to accept the amount of shyt your wife has given you and still take her back... There is not better prediction for future behaviors than previous behaviors... she has learned she can do anything to you, treat you like a doormat and you will take it ... so what will make her change her approach now? Is sad when someone gets so needy as to accept anything to be able to have someone at his side who doesn't respect him just not to be alone... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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