Traveling wife met man for dinner twice

[dichotomy]

You confronted her before you had a chance to see how deep and far this was going to go - or had gone???

 

Facepalm.

 

No one ever takes the advice given here by those of us with the hard painful experience - to sit tight and monitor for a while. Human nature I guess - I made the same mistake in my first marriage.

[DKT3]

You confronted her before you had a chance to see how deep and far this was going to go - or had gone???

 

Facepalm.

 

No one ever takes the advice given here by those of us with the hard painful experience - to sit tight and monitor for a while. Human nature I guess - I made the same mistake in my first marriage.

 

I don't know, I think it was best to slow or stop the progression. I have little doubt as to where it was heading, we here have seen it a thousand times.

 

Another dinner date, made a kiss to end it. Continued communication once she returned home, feeling get involved, planning more get togethers or "business trips". Maybe catching it now without knowing how far she would have gone can be the catalyst to better communication without the pain of her falling in love and sleeping with this guy.

[Cephalopod]

I don't know, I think it was best to slow or stop the progression. I have little doubt as to where it was heading, we here have seen it a thousand times.

 

Another dinner date, made a kiss to end it. Continued communication once she returned home, feeling get involved, planning more get togethers or "business trips". Maybe catching it now without knowing how far she would have gone can be the catalyst to better communication without the pain of her falling in love and sleeping with this guy.

 

I agree. I believe that both spouses have a duty to protect the marriage. Sometimes that means stopping the other spouse from doing something stupid. I think he did the right thing stopping it when he did in this instance when the evidence was popping up right there in real-time for him to see.

 

What if, what if, what if... Look y'all, OP can only control what he can control. Like others here have said, he cannot control what she does when she is out of eyesight. That is a given. And he should not have to kill himself with worry and fretting when she does go on these out of town trips. If that worry is going to cause him stress and heartburn, better to divorce her now and save himself the pain down the road.

 

Will she be better prepared to thwart detection next time? Maybe. Again, OP cannot control that. All he can do, in the end is set his boundaries very clearly for her, and let her know that if she violates said boundaries, then he will do what he needs to do for himself.

 

I do not believe it is his place to control her. And to his credit, from what I have read of his posts, OP does not sound like the controlling type. Nor do I think he is the kind of guy to waste too much of his life on trying to entrap a duplicitous woman who has no intention of sticking to her marital vows.

[S2B]

If the tables were turned and you had dinner with another woman twice who invited you to her room and sent kissy emojis as well as stated you may have to keep your hands to yourself - I think your wife would go ballistic!

 

Think about it - she knew what she was doing was wrong and hurtful to you...or else she wouldn't have been hiding it from you.

 

Yet she made a conscious decision to hurt you for her own pleasure - then made it worse by blatantly lying about it.

 

 

It looks like your wife only has character when you're watching...or won't find out. That's definitely not a woman who has character and morals.

 

It's pretend morals. She pretends to be who you think she is when she knows you'll find out. But when you may not know...all bets are off.

 

I don't know how she earns trust when she shows little character.

Edited July 21, 2016 by S2B

[standtall]

If the tables were turned and you had dinner with another woman twice who invited you to her room and sent kissy emojis as well as stated you may have to keep your hands to yourself - I think your wife would go ballistic!

 

Think about it - she knew what she was doing was wrong and hurtful to you...or else she wouldn't have been hiding it from you.

 

Yet she made a conscious decision to hurt you for her own pleasure - then made it worse by blatantly lying about it.

 

 

It looks like your wife only has character when you're watching...or won't find out. That's definitely not a woman who has character and morals.

 

It's pretend morals. She pretends to be who you think she is when she knows you'll find out. But when you may not know...all bets are off.

 

I don't know how she earns trust when she shows little character.

 

A little harsh...we all make mistakes and lie bro. Wow....she aint slept with the football team. OP...measure your response.

[lolablue17]

A little harsh...we all make mistakes and lie bro. Wow....she aint slept with the football team. OP...measure your response.

 

I agree. The dates she had is a minor problem that can be resolved, and I don't think she had any intention to cheat.

 

But how do you deal with the lies. It's not that she slipped one fact about something that happened 2 weeks ago. She told him she is alone right now while sitting in a date with a single man. imagine the implications. He can never tryst her word again. She has proven that when it fits her, she lies with no dilemma.

 

The only way i could have stayed with this woman is if she promises she will never go anywhere without me. No business trips, not girls trips, not girls night out, nothing. I'm not saying this rule should last for ever, but I would expect her to at least, offer this. Because if she offers this rule as a part of a set of rules & boundaries, it means she understands how much damage she made, and willing to do everything it takes to earn his trust again.

 

But if she just expects him to forgive her just like that, or through time, without her doing any effort in that "time"... well, words doesn't cost money, especially in her case, so it's a bad sign. That's why I advised him to let her figure out a way by herself, how to earn his trust.

Edited July 21, 2016 by lolablue17

[road]

A little harsh...we all make mistakes and lie bro. Wow....she aint slept with the football team. OP...measure your response.

 

 

Just dinner.

 

 

 

We do not know what she has done except to at least go on dates, flirt, lie.

[road]

I agree. The dates she had is a minor problem that can be resolved, and I don't think she had any intention to cheat.

 

 

 

Famous last words I did not mean for it to go that far. After a WW just banged the OM. Then to keep doing the OM for months to years later.

 

 

Those "harmless" dates are how the OM are grooming their next partner in crime to have an affair.

[BryanMar]

Good morning. I wanted to post an update to let everyone know how it went when she got home

 

She arrived home about 2 hours before I got off work. I left a little early because I think we were both anxious to talk this out.

 

When we sat down and calmly talked about it she explained her side of the story.

 

She said she met this guy at a manager's dinner at the hotel and they sat and chatted and enjoyed the conversation. That evening she called me and told me all about this guy and I do agree she did tell me that. She told me she felt by my reaction that she didn't think I was very cool with her talking to another man while she was away. She said she could tell it in my voice which I agree I didn't like that idea at all. No I didn't tell her she couldn't talk or interact with this man but I figured it was a one-time deal

 

 

So they went out to two dinners on Wednesday and Thursday of last week. Then he left for a couple of days for business before returning on Saturday night where I read their text

 

She insisted nothing happened other than dinner. She said she didn't realize he was being flirtatious till the night he texted her to invite her to his room.

 

I asked her after she realized that he was into her why did she agree to go to dinner with him the next night. She said she could handle it and she had no plans on doing anything other than having fun that's why she invited the other engineering guy. So that she wouldn't be alone although it seems like they were going to go alone anyway once this James said he didn't want the engineer to come

 

Again that's when I called and intervened.

 

Do I think she had intentions to cheat on me?? no I do not. Do I think it could have happened? It quite possibly could have happened. he could have got her drunk and you know one thing leads to another when alcohol is involved and you wake up with regret.

 

She told me she was going to tell me about the dinners and hanging out with James when she got home. I do not believe that. Why tell me if she got away with it?? Even if nothing happened no reason to rock the boat.. I told her if you speed and get away with it do you stop at the police station to admit your guilt??

 

Was her two dinners with James dates? I guess it just depends on how you define a date? When I go on a date I have a expectation I might begin a relationship with a new person. Or to Continue a relationship with someone I already have a relationship with. If I go out to dinner with a friend then it's just dinner. To James I think they were dates. To my wife I think they were dinners. That's what I believe

 

I think my wife just went to dinner with this guy because she was bored and he was probably a lot of fun. I don't think she had any intentions of starting a new relationship or to begin an affair. Too many words to explain here but the big picture says no. Does that make what she did right? Hell no it doesn't and she knows it and admits that.

 

So we talked it all out she knows and acknowledges she violated the trust and our marriage. She knows she hurt me also.

 

I told her bluntly that right now the trust I have in our marriage is pretty low. I told her that she would have to build that trust again. That was going to be on her. She acknowledged that

 

So at least for the near future I will be sideways looking at her phone if she receives a text and probably checking records to make sure this guy doesn't contact her again. I told her flat out if she values our marriage she will not have any contact with James ever again and she acknowledged that also.

 

I have decided that this entire ordeal isn't worth getting a divorce over. But it did open my eyes and I will be watching till I feel I can trust her again.

 

Like Jen said in an earlier post I only have the facts to go on. I have no evidence she slept with a guy I have no evidence she did anything but hang out with him and have two dinners and planned a third. That's all the evidence I have and I can't convict her without condemning evidence.

 

But I will be watching.

Edited July 21, 2016 by BryanMar

[dichotomy]

 

But I will be watching.

 

 

And she knows that.. and I bet so does the other guy.

 

So your watching MAY get more challenging.

[S2B]

What did she say about lying to you?

 

How can you know she won't lie to you again when it serves her well?

 

Does she plan to do counseling to work on a tighter boundary and seeking intimacy outside your marriage? Also to work on how to build that trust she's shattered?

[lolablue17]

I just wish you a happy life with her. It could be for the best for you, to open your eyes, never trust 100%, and never take anything for granted. I know couples who never sleep separately, even for one night. They just plan their lives according to that. It's not rare.

 

Good luck!

[DKT3]

Good morning. I wanted to post an update to let everyone know how it went when she got home

 

She arrived home about 2 hours before I got off work. I left a little early because I think we were both anxious to talk this out.

 

When we sat down and calmly talked about it she explained her side of the story.

 

She said she met this guy at a manager's dinner at the hotel and they sat and chatted and enjoyed the conversation. That evening she called me and told me all about this guy and I do agree she did tell me that. She told me she felt by my reaction that she didn't think I was very cool with her talking to another man while she was away. She said she could tell it in my voice which I agree I didn't like that idea at all. No I didn't tell her she couldn't talk or interact with this man but I figured it was a one-time deal

 

 

So they went out to two dinners on Wednesday and Thursday of last week. Then he left for a couple of days for business before returning on Saturday night where I read their text

 

She insisted nothing happened other than dinner. She said she didn't realize he was being flirtatious till the night he texted her to invite her to his room.

 

I asked her after she realized that he was into her why did she agree to go to dinner with him the next night. She said she could handle it and she had no plans on doing anything other than having fun that's why she invited the other engineering guy. So that she wouldn't be alone although it seems like they were going to go alone anyway once this James said he didn't want the engineer to come

 

Again that's when I called and intervened.

 

Do I think she had intentions to cheat on me?? no I do not. Do I think it could have happened? It quite possibly could have happened. he could have got her drunk and you know one thing leads to another when alcohol is involved and you wake up with regret.

 

She told me she was going to tell me about the dinners and hanging out with James when she got home. I do not believe that. Why tell me if she got away with it?? Even if nothing happened no reason to rock the boat.. I told her if you speed and get away with it do you stop at the police station to admit your guilt??

 

Was her two dinners with James dates? I guess it just depends on how you define a date? When I go on a date I have a expectation I might begin a relationship with a new person. Or to Continue a relationship with someone I already have a relationship with. If I go out to dinner with a friend then it's just dinner. To James I think they were dates. To my wife I think they were dinners. That's what I believe

 

I think my wife just went to dinner with this guy because she was bored and he was probably a lot of fun. I don't think she had any intentions of starting a new relationship or to begin an affair. Too many words to explain here but the big picture says no. Does that make what she did right? Hell no it doesn't and she knows it and admits that.

 

So we talked it all out she knows and acknowledges she violated the trust and our marriage. She knows she hurt me also.

 

I told her bluntly that right now the trust I have in our marriage is pretty low. I told her that she would have to build that trust again. That was going to be on her. She acknowledged that

 

So at least for the near future I will be sideways looking at her phone if she receives a text and probably checking records to make sure this guy doesn't contact her again. I told her flat out if she values our marriage she will not have any contact with James ever again and she acknowledged that also.

 

I have decided that this entire ordeal isn't worth getting a divorce over. But it did open my eyes and I will be watching till I feel I can trust her again.

 

Like Jen said in an earlier post I only have the facts to go on. I have no evidence she slept with a guy I have no evidence she did anything but hang out with him and have two dinners and planned a third. That's all the evidence I have and I can't convict her without condemning evidence.

 

But I will be watching.

that is the picture I got also, from the way you told it.

 

The problem isn't what she did to that point, as much as where her lack of boundaries in the situation could have taken it.

 

If it were me in your shoes my anger would have been for the fact that she knew you were uncomfortable with it yet went on two dinner dates and offered him a third after she knew he was trying to bed her.there is your real problem. She had no idea he had another guy with him when she made the call....unless their were already communicating above what you know which is doubtful or you would have seen it. Her intentions may not have been sex, but they were beyond simply beating boredom.

Edited July 21, 2016 by DKT3

[Cephalopod]

Boundaries is the key. Bryan what if you and her were to sit down and write a list of boundaries you each expect the other to keep, such as no fraternizing with the opposite sex while apart, no going out for dinners or lunches alone with opposite sex people without consulting each other first, etc? Maybe if the two of you clearly define your expectations in writing, then you both know clearly what the rules are instead of guessing.

 

As for her getting bored? She could have gone to a movie, gone shopping, worked out...there were a lot of other things she could have done. Her "I was bored" excuse is utter b.s. She went out with that guy because she enjoyed his attention.

[BettyDraper]

If the tables were turned and you had dinner with another woman twice who invited you to her room and sent kissy emojis as well as stated you may have to keep your hands to yourself - I think your wife would go ballistic!

 

Think about it - she knew what she was doing was wrong and hurtful to you...or else she wouldn't have been hiding it from you.

 

Yet she made a conscious decision to hurt you for her own pleasure - then made it worse by blatantly lying about it.

 

 

It looks like your wife only has character when you're watching...or won't find out. That's definitely not a woman who has character and morals.

 

It's pretend morals. She pretends to be who you think she is when she knows you'll find out. But when you may not know...all bets are off.

 

I don't know how she earns trust when she shows little character.

 

This. Spouses should not have to babysit each other to make sure that they are keeping their vows.

[BettyDraper]

Famous last words I did not mean for it to go that far. After a WW just banged the OM. Then to keep doing the OM for months to years later.

 

 

Those "harmless" dates are how the OM are grooming their next partner in crime to have an affair.

 

 

This is especially true when the OM is already behaving in a flirty manner.

Nothing harmless about this situation at all.

[Poutrew]

Your wife only admitted to what you already knew. She knew she couldn't play dumb with you once she accepted the invite to dinner after James invited her up to his room, so she minimized the situation by saying "she could handle it."

 

Did you call her company and find out when the official day was for her to come home, or when the conference goers knew the day had been moved up a day? You still can't discount the possibility that she was planning on spending that entire day with James, or worse yet, that she lied about when she was coming home which means she had this planned all along.

 

This is why I counseled for you to not interfere with her plans. Now, you will never know what was really going down, and separating the truths from the lies will be a miserable process. As of right now, there are two possibilities: 1) You have a wife who understands just how close to disaster she innocently came because she was lonely and thought she was a big girl who could handle a Horney man without committing infidelity, and by keeping the truth from you. Or 2) You have a wife who planned to cheat on you for whatever reason, and is now trying to minimize that damage by placidly agreeing with you , and will do whatever you say so she regains your trust, so that the next time she is out she will be able to successfully have her affair on her terms, and keep you in the dark. To the wife in scenario#2, the past week or so has been a learning experience, and she will not make the same mistakes the next time. Unfortunately for you, there is no way to tell those two wives apart because you didn't give her enough rope to let her either hang or exonerate herself.

 

Maybe you should run the possibility of a polygraph session by her and see how she reacts? Even if you don't do it, you can probably learn a lot just by observing her reactions...but it seems to me that if she is telling the truth, she ought to jump at having one if it will prove to you she was being truthful. Either way, good luck.

Edited July 21, 2016 by Poutrew

[standtall]

OP...sounds like you did great on approaching this rationally and level headed. You got a handle on it and didn't make it any worse, and your in control.

 

Now, IMHO...you gotta up your game with your wife....make her miss you...go with her on this trips if possible ( go do you thing during the day when she is doing business, then be her companion at night...I have done this...it works.)

[BryanMar]

My wife had texted her sister to let her know she was coming home a day early to surprise me. Her sister texted me this morning and asked me how the surprise went when she showed up a day early.

 

So i know for a fact she was not planning on staying the extra day there.

If that was the case she wouldn't let her sister know she was coming home early

[S2B]

Did she OFFER a solution for the next time she's on a business trip and gets bored? Or even more so, when the next guy asks for her companionship while away?

 

What is her plan?

 

How often does she travel? It's odd that her business travel extends throughout a weekend. I've traveled a lot for business and never was required to stay through a weekend. Leave on a Sunday to be there for a Monday morning meeting - yes. But always home by Thursday or Friday.

[standtall]

OP...there are a lot of posts here trying to convince there was more..a polygraph...really? I swear some want to seed you burn your marriage to the ground just so it can be watched and enjoyed...

 

You done your thing...keep of this site for a while and work on your marriage.

[BryanMar]

She doesn't travel very often. She was in Tulsa for a one-time training event. So I don't see any more traveling in her future without me.

 

I really appreciate everyone's help and advice you really gave some great insight. Thank you so much

[Cephalopod]

Your wife only admitted to what you already knew. She knew she couldn't play dumb with you once she accepted the invite to dinner after James invited her up to his room, so she minimized the situation by saying "she could handle it."

 

Did you call her company and find out when the official day was for her to come home, or when the conference goers knew the day had been moved up a day? You still can't discount the possibility that she was planning on spending that entire day with James, or worse yet, that she lied about when she was coming home which means she had this planned all along.

 

This is why I counseled for you to not interfere with her plans. Now, you will never know what was really going down, and separating the truths from the lies will be a miserable process. As of right now, there are two possibilities: 1) You have a wife who understands just how close to disaster she innocently came because she was lonely and thought she was a big girl who could handle a Horney man without committing infidelity, and by keeping the truth from you. Or 2) You have a wife who planned to cheat on you for whatever reason, and is now trying to minimize that damage by placidly agreeing with you , and will do whatever you say so she regains your trust, so that the next time she is out she will be able to successfully have her affair on her terms, and keep you in the dark. To the wife in scenario#2, the past week or so has been a learning experience, and she will not make the same mistakes the next time. Unfortunately for you, there is no way to tell those two wives apart because you didn't give her enough rope to let her either hang or exonerate herself.

 

Maybe you should run the possibility of a polygraph session by her and see how she reacts? Even if you don't do it, you can probably learn a lot just by observing her reactions...but it seems to me that if she is telling the truth, she ought to jump at having one if it will prove to you she was being truthful. Either way, good luck.

 

 

But again, he cannot control that. He can do all those things: spying, polygraph, GPS, VAR, sleuthing, playing Sherlock Holmes...

 

That stuff is all fine and dandy up to a point, but who the hell wants to be a probation officer in their own marriage? That is no way to live. If she has such loose morals that she would continue on with this behavior, then he needs to end the marriage and let her go be the sloot she wants to be.

 

He can do the things you mentioned, but he also just needs to lay down his boundaries with her and stick to his promises. If he finds out through the grapevine, through a friend, or through spying, that she is cheating or has cheated then he is done. He is going to have to take whatever steps are necessary to protect himself emotionally and financially...which may include immediate filing for divorce.

Edited July 21, 2016 by Cephalopod

[jen1447]

Good morning. I wanted to post an update to let everyone know how it went when she got home

 

....

 

Your conclusions seem sound to me for the most part. The one thing I don't really buy tho is that she intended to tell you when she got home - that's just damage control. I think in all likelihood what she was after here was enjoying the company of a man she found attractive to some extent over dinner for a few nights while out of town, with no intention of actually sleeping w him and cheating on you. BUT, this despite knowing you wouldn't like it.

 

Sometimes being 'away' makes ppl a little more adventurous and less cautious about things but that doesn't always translate into rampantly chasing affairs. Esp if she actually has boundaries, which is sounds like she does.

[DKT3]

Your conclusions seem sound to me for the most part. The one thing I don't really buy tho is that she intended to tell you when she got home - that's just damage control. I think in all likelihood what she was after here was enjoying the company of a man she found attractive to some extent over dinner for a few nights while out of town, with no intention of actually sleeping w him and cheating on you. BUT, this despite knowing you wouldn't like it.

 

Sometimes being 'away' makes ppl a little more adventurous and less cautious about things but that doesn't always translate into rampantly chasing affairs. Esp if she actually has boundaries, which is sounds like she does.

 

I agree, there was an attraction, which being human makes it impossible to not find people attractive, being in a relationship doesn't change that. I agree I don't think her intentions were to do anything more then enjoy his company and soak up the flirty attention he was so clearly raining down on her. I do however disagree with boundaries, I think hers are lacking.

 

In reading the stuff written here by wayward wives the vast majority say they never intended on going as far as they did with Om. Tye vast majority felt they were totally in control. All the while crossing one boundaries after another then being confused as to how they ended up on I****edup road.

 

Op your wife's boundaries are questionable. Not because she interacted with this man, not because she had dinner with him twice. But the fact that she reached out to him AFTER she knew he wanted in her pants to set up a third date. The whole line about not wanting to be alone is total BS. Boundaries would have meant a married woman wouldn't engage a guy in that setting who is clearly looking to have sex with her.....unless there is at least slight interest in that idea herself. Keep that in mind, that is a question you need her to answer, why engage him after you knew he was wanting to have sex ?