Mrin Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 How will you know - keep monitoring the texts in secret? That's actually a very tough question and a very good one. On one hand I am violating her privacy but on the other hand I think I have a right to know. Normally I am very much against this, but in your case I think it makes sense. Here's why - you have an amazing opportunity to have your faith and truth in your wife restored to 110% by seeing her rebuff this guy's advances. That's huge. It is sort of like the definition of a good person: someone who does the right thing even when no one else is around. Does that make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 But isn't that where the danger is? Look his wife has had multiple meet ups with this guy, they are texting back and forth and she has mentioned none of it to her husband. One train of thought can be she simply isn't giving it much brain space, second being (and more likely) there is an attraction on some level, some things she finds interesting and she want's to know more. I think it would be wise to approach the subject with her, but simply asking how she is sending her down time and has she met anyone interesting....if is above broad she will be honest and tell him about this guy, at which point he could likely ease up investigating, if not continue to monitor the situation. Well according to the text and there's only about 20 of them back and forth she hasn't physically met with him since Thursday night. Evidently he went back to Tyler during one of those days and was back yesterday evening staying in the same hotel as her. I think the best course of action would be just let it be for now and hopefully she stops hanging with him since he was so obviously wanting her to come to his room and she said no thanks. I honestly think she just wanted somebody to hang out with since nobody from her work will they are all much younger than her Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Normally I am very much against this, but in your case I think it makes sense. Here's why - you have an amazing opportunity to have your faith and truth in your wife restored to 110% by seeing her rebuff this guy's advances. That's huge. It is sort of like the definition of a good person: someone who does the right thing even when no one else is around. Does that make sense? The problem is that by doing so he is showing a side that brings lack of trust if she knew.. so then he becomes the one who can't be trusted. So is it only okay if she doesn't know ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 (edited) Yes. We call that in the Navy integrity and it's a real good thing. I just pray that she realizes this guy has no good intentions. Thing is I didn't intend to read those . Honest . I was doing her time sheets and her texts were popping up in little pop ups.. normally if it was her sister or family I would have ignored. But a text inviting her to a room for drinks? I'm only human. Now I'm supposed to just forget about it to not invade her privacy further? Edited July 18, 2016 by BryanMar Link to post Share on other sites
Cablebandit Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Yes. We call that in the Navy integrity and it's a real good thing. I just pray that she realizes this guy has no good intentions. You are thinking with your dick and the way men think. It doesn't matter WHAT his intentions are, she is the one in control and as far as you know she is in a happy marriage. If true, nothing is going to happen. She may be having to maneuver the "good old boy" networking minefield. Trust her intelligence. You married an intelligent and honest woman. She didn't become dumb and trashy because she went out to dinner with a guy who wants to have sex with her. Bow up and puff your chest....he CAN'T take her if she is happy. You da man!!! Act like it and appreciate it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Thing is I didn't intend to read those . Honest . I was doing her time sheets and her texts were popping up in little pop ups.. normally if it was her sister or family I would have ignored. But a text inviting her to a room for drinks? I'm only human. Now I'm supposed to just forget about it to not invade her privacy further? If you trust her, yes. If you don't trust her, you've got bigger problems than just what's going on or not going on at her hotel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 (edited) thank you Jen I appreciate your and everyone else's input. I totally agree with what you're saying but the thing is is she lied to me about going out those two nights by herself when I just received when I just received proof that she didn't. Now I'm just supposed to trust her? I think her trust level has been reduced by those lies. Maybe the truth is she thought she found a friendly older man to have dinner with but she didn't think I would be good with that so she decided to go with him under the radar. Now he's taking that as a green light and made some advances. I honestly don't think she will do anything and I don't think she will meet up with him again but I could be wrong. Deep down I guess I am just worried and that's why I reached out on these boards. They have helped me in the past tremendously. I have been cheated on in two previous relationships if you're wondering why. Those experiences are hard to forget the hurtful betrayal. Edited July 18, 2016 by BryanMar Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 thank you Jen I appreciate your and everyone else's input. I totally agree with what you're saying but the thing is is she lied to me about going out those two nights by herself when I just received when I just received proof that she didn't. Now I'm just supposed to trust her? I think her trust level has been reduced by those lies. Lied to you or didn't think it was important enough to tell you? Two very different things... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 I asked her while she was there.. she said she was by herself talking to the waitress and barmaid. I don't think she wanted me to know she was there with him.. to her hopefully just innocent chatting over dinner. To him working on a hook-up I'm sure.. She went out twice with him.. second time she rode in his vehicle 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 thank you Jen I appreciate your and everyone else's input. I totally agree with what you're saying but the thing is is she lied to me about going out those two nights by herself when I just received when I just received proof that she didn't. Now I'm just supposed to trust her? I think her trust level has been reduced by those lies. Maybe the truth is she thought she found a friendly older man to have dinner with but she didn't think I would be good with that so she decided to go with him under the radar. Now he's taking that as a green light and made some advances. I honestly don't think she will do anything and I don't think she will meet up with him again but I could be wrong. Deep down I guess I am just worried and that's why I reached out on these boards. They have helped me in the past tremendously. I have been cheated on in two previous relationships if you're wondering why. Those experiences are hard to forget the hurtful betrayal. Ok so you've got trust issues - I get it. It's still a fundamental question of trust tho, even if trust is hard for you. It just sounds like (sorry) you don't fully trust her. In my view the not telling you about dinners would depend a lot on context and who she really is. If she's got a history of being a little sneaky then I'd worry about it, if she's clean then she could do almost anything and it wouldn't really trouble me. If I were you I'd just talk to her and forget all the intrigue. Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 I asked her while she was there.. she said she was by herself talking to the waitress and barmaid. I don't think she wanted me to know she was there with him.. to her hopefully just innocent chatting over dinner. To him working on a hook-up I'm sure.. She went out twice with him.. second time she rode in his vehicle This changes everything!!! Your very much within your rights to continue to monitor her messages. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 Well like I was saying well like I was saying his last text to her was him inviting her up to his room to have a drink. With that and his comment about keeping her hands to herself which was definitely an invitation I would think that after that she wouldn't want to hang out with him anymore as it's pretty obvious he was making a move on her. If she does then I think I do need to be worried because it throws the Innocence out of the picture. Where she just wanted to have a dinner with a nice older man she met. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 Hopefully the guy realizes he ain't going to get any action and leaves her alone for the remaining time she's there Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Well like I was saying well like I was saying his last text to her was him inviting her up to his room to have a drink. With that and his comment about keeping her hands to herself which was definitely an invitation I would think that after that she wouldn't want to hang out with him anymore as it's pretty obvious he was making a move on her. If she does then I think I do need to be worried because it throws the Innocence out of the picture. Where she just wanted to have a dinner with a nice older man she met. Older? Because your wife said? Look, your wife has been out on two dates with another man. She's been in his car.....why? She's given him her phone number!! Your wife is up to no good and she knows it!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 And she didn't tell me she was out with him because she knew I wouldn't approve of it that's why I'm upset It's not right if I did that to her I would be in the doghouse. Sorry but at this time trust is kind of out the window I will be watching her texts. It's pretty obvious she knows he's into her and wants more. So if she continues to see him after last night that's no good 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 You didn't mention this car thing before ....what was up w that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 (edited) She is provided a beat up company car but the guy offered to drive to the restaurant since they are in the same hotel and she accepted. You know this is totally out of the blue. She has never given me any reason to not trust her this is blowing my mind that's why I'm finding it hard to accept Edited July 18, 2016 by BryanMar Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 She is provided a beat up company car but the guy offered to drive to the restaurant since they are in the same hotel and she accepted. You know this is totally out of the blue. She has never given me any reason to not trust her this is blowing my mind that's why I'm finding it hard to accept Stop hitting yourself Bry. How would you feel if she wanted to enjoy a nice dinner and good conversation w an attractive man who she nonetheless had no intention of sleeping with? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 (edited) Jen you probably hit the nail on the head.. just wanted some company for dinner bit knew I would get upset if she told me she went with him.. It brings to mind the old saying what I don't know won't hurt me but unfortunately I do however inadvertently... Now he has made his play it will speak volumes the next two days on how she handles him. She knows he made a move on her by inviting him to his room If she continues to see him after that then I think I need to talk to her about it when she comes home. If she stops interacting with him after last night then I'm just going to leave it alone and not say anything. like someone said before pick your battles it was probably just innocent however in my opinion inappropriate Edited July 18, 2016 by BryanMar Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 She is provided a beat up company car but the guy offered to drive to the restaurant since they are in the same hotel and she accepted. You know this is totally out of the blue. She has never given me any reason to not trust her this is blowing my mind that's why I'm finding it hard to accept It's not your fault, this isn't the rants of some jealous guy going off half cocked as some are making it appear. You have every right to feel uncomfortable with this situation. I just think you need to address it with her ASAP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 I'll probably wait till she gets home unless something drastic happens Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 And she didn't tell me she was out with him because she knew I wouldn't approve of it that's why I'm upset It's not right if I did that to her I would be in the doghouse. Sorry but at this time trust is kind of out the window I will be watching her texts. It's pretty obvious she knows he's into her and wants more. So if she continues to see him after last night that's no good You need to just stay quiet and let things transpire between the guy and your wife. If she does the right thing, your trust will be 100% restored. And, that is about you, not her. Unfortunately, it also means that you are going to have a front row seat to your wife's infidelity if the worst should happen. But, as her husband, you have a right to know. Remember, if she is being unfaithful, she has already made the decision to lie and gaslight you. She is not the woman you trusted, loved, and married anymore. She has become the enemy and you have every right to defend yourself against being destroyed - if the worst is realized. So if she behaves the way a wife should behave, I would say nothing and I would not ever mention that you were reading her conversations. She obviously doesn't know you can do that. If she is cheating, then it's all out the window anyway. Print out all the texts, and confront her when she gets home, and be prepared for a lot of crying, histrionics, and deception as she tries to hide just how far down the rabbit hole she has fallen... good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 (edited) Bryan, You are correct, how she handles him moving forward will speak volumes. I'm inclined to agree that she might have felt awkward sitting alone in a restaurant and simply wanted some company. That said, I don't think sweeping this under the rug is the answer. Her intent may have been harmless, but the fact is she lied to you - with him present. He might have taken that as a green light to ask her to his room. Lots of mixed signals get tossed around when lies are involved. You need to clear the air; otherwise, moving forward, there will likely be an undercurrent whenever she has to travel out of town. Edited July 18, 2016 by Methodical Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 Yes thank you Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Having had infidelity take center stage in my life over the past decade I can tell you the two biggest things (mistakes) that men make are 1) assuming your wife is above the temptation of cheating 2) ignoring warning signs and not addressing them. If they are in the same hotel, it's simple for them to bypass communication via cell phone. Hotel phones or just walking to the others room. Trust is about more then saying she wouldn't do it, trust is also about being able to address fears and concerns with her and her with you. If you find behavior that can be a risk to your marriage trust is not fearing to address them, and having the other person accepting and compassionate to your feelings. Having this fear or concern has to be addressed ASAP. Because you not finding evidence doesn't mean there isn't any. Over time this period will fester in my mind and heart giving way to doubt and resentment. Could all be very innocent, couldn't not be. Only one way to know..... Link to post Share on other sites
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