Traveling wife met man for dinner twice

July 21, 2016

A little harsh...we all make mistakes and lie bro. Wow....she aint slept with the football team. OP...measure your response.

Just dinner.

We do not know what she has done except to at least go on dates, flirt, lie.

July 21, 2016

I agree. The dates she had is a minor problem that can be resolved, and I don't think she had any intention to cheat.

Famous last words I did not mean for it to go that far. After a WW just banged the OM. Then to keep doing the OM for months to years later.

Those "harmless" dates are how the OM are grooming their next partner in crime to have an affair.

July 21, 2016

Good morning. I wanted to post an update to let everyone know how it went when she got home

She arrived home about 2 hours before I got off work. I left a little early because I think we were both anxious to talk this out.

When we sat down and calmly talked about it she explained her side of the story.

She said she met this guy at a manager's dinner at the hotel and they sat and chatted and enjoyed the conversation. That evening she called me and told me all about this guy and I do agree she did tell me that. She told me she felt by my reaction that she didn't think I was very cool with her talking to another man while she was away. She said she could tell it in my voice which I agree I didn't like that idea at all. No I didn't tell her she couldn't talk or interact with this man but I figured it was a one-time deal

So they went out to two dinners on Wednesday and Thursday of last week. Then he left for a couple of days for business before returning on Saturday night where I read their text

She insisted nothing happened other than dinner. She said she didn't realize he was being flirtatious till the night he texted her to invite her to his room.

I asked her after she realized that he was into her why did she agree to go to dinner with him the next night. She said she could handle it and she had no plans on doing anything other than having fun that's why she invited the other engineering guy. So that she wouldn't be alone although it seems like they were going to go alone anyway once this James said he didn't want the engineer to come

Again that's when I called and intervened.

Do I think she had intentions to cheat on me?? no I do not. Do I think it could have happened? It quite possibly could have happened. he could have got her drunk and you know one thing leads to another when alcohol is involved and you wake up with regret.

She told me she was going to tell me about the dinners and hanging out with James when she got home. I do not believe that. Why tell me if she got away with it?? Even if nothing happened no reason to rock the boat.. I told her if you speed and get away with it do you stop at the police station to admit your guilt??

Was her two dinners with James dates? I guess it just depends on how you define a date? When I go on a date I have a expectation I might begin a relationship with a new person. Or to Continue a relationship with someone I already have a relationship with. If I go out to dinner with a friend then it's just dinner. To James I think they were dates. To my wife I think they were dinners. That's what I believe

I think my wife just went to dinner with this guy because she was bored and he was probably a lot of fun. I don't think she had any intentions of starting a new relationship or to begin an affair. Too many words to explain here but the big picture says no. Does that make what she did right? Hell no it doesn't and she knows it and admits that.

So we talked it all out she knows and acknowledges she violated the trust and our marriage. She knows she hurt me also.

I told her bluntly that right now the trust I have in our marriage is pretty low. I told her that she would have to build that trust again. That was going to be on her. She acknowledged that

So at least for the near future I will be sideways looking at her phone if she receives a text and probably checking records to make sure this guy doesn't contact her again. I told her flat out if she values our marriage she will not have any contact with James ever again and she acknowledged that also.

I have decided that this entire ordeal isn't worth getting a divorce over. But it did open my eyes and I will be watching till I feel I can trust her again.

Like Jen said in an earlier post I only have the facts to go on. I have no evidence she slept with a guy I have no evidence she did anything but hang out with him and have two dinners and planned a third. That's all the evidence I have and I can't convict her without condemning evidence.

But I will be watching.

Edited July 21, 2016 by BryanMar

July 21, 2016

But I will be watching.

And she knows that.. and I bet so does the other guy.

So your watching MAY get more challenging.

July 21, 2016

I just wish you a happy life with her. It could be for the best for you, to open your eyes, never trust 100%, and never take anything for granted. I know couples who never sleep separately, even for one night. They just plan their lives according to that. It's not rare.

Good luck!

July 21, 2016

Good morning. I wanted to post an update to let everyone know how it went when she got home

She arrived home about 2 hours before I got off work. I left a little early because I think we were both anxious to talk this out.

When we sat down and calmly talked about it she explained her side of the story.

She said she met this guy at a manager's dinner at the hotel and they sat and chatted and enjoyed the conversation. That evening she called me and told me all about this guy and I do agree she did tell me that. She told me she felt by my reaction that she didn't think I was very cool with her talking to another man while she was away. She said she could tell it in my voice which I agree I didn't like that idea at all. No I didn't tell her she couldn't talk or interact with this man but I figured it was a one-time deal

So they went out to two dinners on Wednesday and Thursday of last week. Then he left for a couple of days for business before returning on Saturday night where I read their text

She insisted nothing happened other than dinner. She said she didn't realize he was being flirtatious till the night he texted her to invite her to his room.

I asked her after she realized that he was into her why did she agree to go to dinner with him the next night. She said she could handle it and she had no plans on doing anything other than having fun that's why she invited the other engineering guy. So that she wouldn't be alone although it seems like they were going to go alone anyway once this James said he didn't want the engineer to come

Again that's when I called and intervened.

Do I think she had intentions to cheat on me?? no I do not. Do I think it could have happened? It quite possibly could have happened. he could have got her drunk and you know one thing leads to another when alcohol is involved and you wake up with regret.

She told me she was going to tell me about the dinners and hanging out with James when she got home. I do not believe that. Why tell me if she got away with it?? Even if nothing happened no reason to rock the boat.. I told her if you speed and get away with it do you stop at the police station to admit your guilt??

Was her two dinners with James dates? I guess it just depends on how you define a date? When I go on a date I have a expectation I might begin a relationship with a new person. Or to Continue a relationship with someone I already have a relationship with. If I go out to dinner with a friend then it's just dinner. To James I think they were dates. To my wife I think they were dinners. That's what I believe

I think my wife just went to dinner with this guy because she was bored and he was probably a lot of fun. I don't think she had any intentions of starting a new relationship or to begin an affair. Too many words to explain here but the big picture says no. Does that make what she did right? Hell no it doesn't and she knows it and admits that.

So we talked it all out she knows and acknowledges she violated the trust and our marriage. She knows she hurt me also.

I told her bluntly that right now the trust I have in our marriage is pretty low. I told her that she would have to build that trust again. That was going to be on her. She acknowledged that

So at least for the near future I will be sideways looking at her phone if she receives a text and probably checking records to make sure this guy doesn't contact her again. I told her flat out if she values our marriage she will not have any contact with James ever again and she acknowledged that also.

I have decided that this entire ordeal isn't worth getting a divorce over. But it did open my eyes and I will be watching till I feel I can trust her again.

Like Jen said in an earlier post I only have the facts to go on. I have no evidence she slept with a guy I have no evidence she did anything but hang out with him and have two dinners and planned a third. That's all the evidence I have and I can't convict her without condemning evidence.

But I will be watching.

that is the picture I got also, from the way you told it.

The problem isn't what she did to that point, as much as where her lack of boundaries in the situation could have taken it.

If it were me in your shoes my anger would have been for the fact that she knew you were uncomfortable with it yet went on two dinner dates and offered him a third after she knew he was trying to bed her.there is your real problem. She had no idea he had another guy with him when she made the call....unless their were already communicating above what you know which is doubtful or you would have seen it. Her intentions may not have been sex, but they were beyond simply beating boredom.

Edited July 21, 2016 by DKT3

July 21, 2016

Boundaries is the key. Bryan what if you and her were to sit down and write a list of boundaries you each expect the other to keep, such as no fraternizing with the opposite sex while apart, no going out for dinners or lunches alone with opposite sex people without consulting each other first, etc? Maybe if the two of you clearly define your expectations in writing, then you both know clearly what the rules are instead of guessing.

As for her getting bored? She could have gone to a movie, gone shopping, worked out...there were a lot of other things she could have done. Her "I was bored" excuse is utter b.s. She went out with that guy because she enjoyed his attention.

July 21, 2016

If the tables were turned and you had dinner with another woman twice who invited you to her room and sent kissy emojis as well as stated you may have to keep your hands to yourself - I think your wife would go ballistic!

Think about it - she knew what she was doing was wrong and hurtful to you...or else she wouldn't have been hiding it from you.

Yet she made a conscious decision to hurt you for her own pleasure - then made it worse by blatantly lying about it.

It looks like your wife only has character when you're watching...or won't find out. That's definitely not a woman who has character and morals.

It's pretend morals. She pretends to be who you think she is when she knows you'll find out. But when you may not know...all bets are off.

I don't know how she earns trust when she shows little character.

This. Spouses should not have to babysit each other to make sure that they are keeping their vows.

July 21, 2016

Famous last words I did not mean for it to go that far. After a WW just banged the OM. Then to keep doing the OM for months to years later.

Those "harmless" dates are how the OM are grooming their next partner in crime to have an affair.

This is especially true when the OM is already behaving in a flirty manner.

Nothing harmless about this situation at all.

July 21, 2016

Your wife only admitted to what you already knew. She knew she couldn't play dumb with you once she accepted the invite to dinner after James invited her up to his room, so she minimized the situation by saying "she could handle it."

Did you call her company and find out when the official day was for her to come home, or when the conference goers knew the day had been moved up a day? You still can't discount the possibility that she was planning on spending that entire day with James, or worse yet, that she lied about when she was coming home which means she had this planned all along.

This is why I counseled for you to not interfere with her plans. Now, you will never know what was really going down, and separating the truths from the lies will be a miserable process. As of right now, there are two possibilities: 1) You have a wife who understands just how close to disaster she innocently came because she was lonely and thought she was a big girl who could handle a Horney man without committing infidelity, and by keeping the truth from you. Or 2) You have a wife who planned to cheat on you for whatever reason, and is now trying to minimize that damage by placidly agreeing with you , and will do whatever you say so she regains your trust, so that the next time she is out she will be able to successfully have her affair on her terms, and keep you in the dark. To the wife in scenario#2, the past week or so has been a learning experience, and she will not make the same mistakes the next time. Unfortunately for you, there is no way to tell those two wives apart because you didn't give her enough rope to let her either hang or exonerate herself.

Maybe you should run the possibility of a polygraph session by her and see how she reacts? Even if you don't do it, you can probably learn a lot just by observing her reactions...but it seems to me that if she is telling the truth, she ought to jump at having one if it will prove to you she was being truthful. Either way, good luck.

Edited July 21, 2016 by Poutrew

July 21, 2016

OP...sounds like you did great on approaching this rationally and level headed. You got a handle on it and didn't make it any worse, and your in control.

Now, IMHO...you gotta up your game with your wife....make her miss you...go with her on this trips if possible ( go do you thing during the day when she is doing business, then be her companion at night...I have done this...it works.)

July 21, 2016

My wife had texted her sister to let her know she was coming home a day early to surprise me. Her sister texted me this morning and asked me how the surprise went when she showed up a day early.

So i know for a fact she was not planning on staying the extra day there.

If that was the case she wouldn't let her sister know she was coming home early

July 21, 2016

OP...there are a lot of posts here trying to convince there was more..a polygraph...really? I swear some want to seed you burn your marriage to the ground just so it can be watched and enjoyed...

You done your thing...keep of this site for a while and work on your marriage.

July 21, 2016

She doesn't travel very often. She was in Tulsa for a one-time training event. So I don't see any more traveling in her future without me.

I really appreciate everyone's help and advice you really gave some great insight. Thank you so much

July 21, 2016

Your wife only admitted to what you already knew. She knew she couldn't play dumb with you once she accepted the invite to dinner after James invited her up to his room, so she minimized the situation by saying "she could handle it."

Did you call her company and find out when the official day was for her to come home, or when the conference goers knew the day had been moved up a day? You still can't discount the possibility that she was planning on spending that entire day with James, or worse yet, that she lied about when she was coming home which means she had this planned all along.

This is why I counseled for you to not interfere with her plans. Now, you will never know what was really going down, and separating the truths from the lies will be a miserable process. As of right now, there are two possibilities: 1) You have a wife who understands just how close to disaster she innocently came because she was lonely and thought she was a big girl who could handle a Horney man without committing infidelity, and by keeping the truth from you. Or 2) You have a wife who planned to cheat on you for whatever reason, and is now trying to minimize that damage by placidly agreeing with you , and will do whatever you say so she regains your trust, so that the next time she is out she will be able to successfully have her affair on her terms, and keep you in the dark. To the wife in scenario#2, the past week or so has been a learning experience, and she will not make the same mistakes the next time. Unfortunately for you, there is no way to tell those two wives apart because you didn't give her enough rope to let her either hang or exonerate herself.

Maybe you should run the possibility of a polygraph session by her and see how she reacts? Even if you don't do it, you can probably learn a lot just by observing her reactions...but it seems to me that if she is telling the truth, she ought to jump at having one if it will prove to you she was being truthful. Either way, good luck.

But again, he cannot control that. He can do all those things: spying, polygraph, GPS, VAR, sleuthing, playing Sherlock Holmes...

That stuff is all fine and dandy up to a point, but who the hell wants to be a probation officer in their own marriage? That is no way to live. If she has such loose morals that she would continue on with this behavior, then he needs to end the marriage and let her go be the sloot she wants to be.

He can do the things you mentioned, but he also just needs to lay down his boundaries with her and stick to his promises. If he finds out through the grapevine, through a friend, or through spying, that she is cheating or has cheated then he is done. He is going to have to take whatever steps are necessary to protect himself emotionally and financially...which may include immediate filing for divorce.

Edited July 21, 2016 by Cephalopod

July 21, 2016

Good morning. I wanted to post an update to let everyone know how it went when she got home

....

Your conclusions seem sound to me for the most part. The one thing I don't really buy tho is that she intended to tell you when she got home - that's just damage control. I think in all likelihood what she was after here was enjoying the company of a man she found attractive to some extent over dinner for a few nights while out of town, with no intention of actually sleeping w him and cheating on you. BUT, this despite knowing you wouldn't like it.

Sometimes being 'away' makes ppl a little more adventurous and less cautious about things but that doesn't always translate into rampantly chasing affairs. Esp if she actually has boundaries, which is sounds like she does.

July 21, 2016

Your conclusions seem sound to me for the most part. The one thing I don't really buy tho is that she intended to tell you when she got home - that's just damage control. I think in all likelihood what she was after here was enjoying the company of a man she found attractive to some extent over dinner for a few nights while out of town, with no intention of actually sleeping w him and cheating on you. BUT, this despite knowing you wouldn't like it.

Sometimes being 'away' makes ppl a little more adventurous and less cautious about things but that doesn't always translate into rampantly chasing affairs. Esp if she actually has boundaries, which is sounds like she does.

I agree, there was an attraction, which being human makes it impossible to not find people attractive, being in a relationship doesn't change that. I agree I don't think her intentions were to do anything more then enjoy his company and soak up the flirty attention he was so clearly raining down on her. I do however disagree with boundaries, I think hers are lacking.

In reading the stuff written here by wayward wives the vast majority say they never intended on going as far as they did with Om. Tye vast majority felt they were totally in control. All the while crossing one boundaries after another then being confused as to how they ended up on I****edup road.

Op your wife's boundaries are questionable. Not because she interacted with this man, not because she had dinner with him twice. But the fact that she reached out to him AFTER she knew he wanted in her pants to set up a third date. The whole line about not wanting to be alone is total BS. Boundaries would have meant a married woman wouldn't engage a guy in that setting who is clearly looking to have sex with her.....unless there is at least slight interest in that idea herself. Keep that in mind, that is a question you need her to answer, why engage him after you knew he was wanting to have sex ?

July 21, 2016

Well the boundaries are what kept it in her pants so to speak when he invited her up to his room. If she had none she wouldn't have been able to employ that level of discretion and this would have been a much bigger mess than it was.

July 21, 2016

Well the boundaries are what kept it in her pants so to speak when he invited her up to his room. If she had none she wouldn't have been able to employ that level of discretion and this would have been a much bigger mess than it was.

She is married, I'm sure she loves her husband, so I'm sure that played a role. Point being Jen, true boundaries would have kept her from engagement after she admitted knowledge of what he was after.

July 21, 2016

That's true - but it is still out of bounds for what they must have agreed to or he wouldn't be upset and she wouldn't have felt she needed to keep that info from him...

It still crossed a boundary he's not comfortable with - and she knew that but still did it anyway.

Sure - I'm not at all saying she's blameless and that her boundaries are air tight, but they were at least sufficient to keep her out of this guy's bed. Now thanks to that all OP has to overcome are the trust issues, not trust + betrayal.

July 21, 2016

OP....on question that I think still exists is her level of attraction as opposed to the remedy for being on a boring business trip. Can you get his last name and look him up on social media to see if he is indeed an older gentleman or if that turns out to be a smoke screen as well? This might answer a few questions for you.

July 21, 2016

Sure - I'm not at all saying she's blameless and that her boundaries are air tight, but they were at least sufficient to keep her out of this guy's bed. Now thanks to that all OP has to overcome are the trust issues, not trust + betrayal.

Out if his bed that time.....her clear intention to maintain hanging out with him meant she was allowing him more opportunities to woo her into his bed, with full knowledge of that being his goal.

July 21, 2016

My wife had texted her sister to let her know she was coming home a day early to surprise me. Her sister texted me this morning and asked me how the surprise went when she showed up a day early.

So i know for a fact she was not planning on staying the extra day there.
If that was the case she wouldn't let her sister know she was coming home early

Have you verified this?

Again, have you looked at the phone records to see if there was more contact during her trip and after?

July 22, 2016

Well if she texted her sister Monday Morning she was coming home on Tuesday prior to me calling her on Monday at 7:00PM then I'm sure she was planning on coming home... She texted her sister that she was going to surprise me and be in bed when I got off work. (Yeah I wouldn't tell MY sister intimate details but you know women LOL)

I know this because her sister texted me and asked if I was surprised. She told me when my wife texted her that info.

The airline tickets were reissued for Tuesday at 9:00AM so she would have had to miss her flight to stay the extra day.

So I am 100% sure she was coming home on Tuesday and not staying till Wed her original time home.

But if she had that would have been pretty bad. Thanks for bringing it up.

July 22, 2016

I doubt it as her sister would have talked to me about it if so I'm sure.

I don't expect her to chastise herself infront of her family though.

Edited July 22, 2016 by BryanMar

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