1 Year relationship - can't say she loves me! [update: We have split up]

[alpha99]

Thanks for the comments.

 

It was actually that last whole conversation that made me realised I needed to go NC. I realised that I had been pushing her further away and had reached the point where things would go from quite pleasantly disagreeing over things to her becoming more annoyed with me. I think just in time I pulled back.

 

So anyway, it's now been 9 (10 in an hour or so) days of NC.

 

My emotions have been up and down. At times I feel really positive, others I feel low. Weekends have been the worst as I have more time on my own. I'm planning activities to cut that alone time down to the minimum.

 

In our last conversation, which I listened back to part of, it is clear that at the moment she has all the power and sees herself as being of higher value. I understand how that's come about. What slightly grates from my own behaviour is her implied assumption that if she texts me merry Christmas I'll instantly call her back.

 

Well, she's in for a surprise. As it stands right now I don't plan to reply to any sort of 'merry Christmas' message. I don't gain from it and will probably just over analyse what such a message means.

 

I had a work event today. Part of NC is getting out and socialising. There was a really pretty girl there who I spent part of the day chatting to. No flirting etc, just chatting, but she was pretty keen to talk and it just felt nice to have a conversation with someone of the opposite sex.

 

I'm keeping busy, mainly through work but some socialising thrown in too, so that's good. Despite the ups and downs overall I'm getting slowly better.

 

I've read a lot about relationship dynamics, push/pull etc power struggles post split.

 

To this point I've initiated all meaningful ckntact post split. Therefore I plan now to let go, not forget, but let go for the time being. It's going to be bloody tough, but 10 days have passed and I'm still alive ha-ha. I'll carry on and may even go last the 15th Jam date we oencilled in for contact.

 

I'm of a belief that our relationship was good enough that at a certain point she will realise that and contact me. Whether it's breadcrumbs or more we'll see, but as best I can I'll live life and we'll see what happens if and when that day arrives.

 

I've learnt to take some of what she's said with a pinch of salt. On the one hand she's said she hasn't thought about me since we split, but last time we met she talked about wondering what I'd think of the show she'd booked for us that we didn't go on.

 

Nothing is black and white, and nothing stays the same. I have a belief we will get back together at some point. I don't know when. I think of her a lot but as NC continues I'm able to slowly let go. The quicker I do this the better for me.

 

When she does contact me again she will be blown away by the changes in me. All neediness and desperation gone, back to my confident, outgoing self of old...if not a little improved

 

Late night mobile writing here, so please excuse any spelling mistakes.

[TooRational]

Good job for 10 days of NC. I understand what you're saying about her having all the power in the relationship post breakup (and probably during). I felt the same. In my case, I felt that I gained some power back when I refused her friendship offer and chose to go NC instead.

 

One word about self improvement. You really gotta do this for you, NOT to impress her and get her back. Do it to feel better about yourself. You need to find activities that you genuinely like, not simply because you'll look good doing them. If you fill your life with fun stuff, girls will want to partake and they won't be the sole source of happiness in your life.

 

When I look back on my own relationship, I realize now that I jumped too fast into it after my separation and I had not had the time to build a new fun life for myself. So when my ex came into the picture, I was all over her. She was my main source of happiness in my otherwise stressful life and that eventually put too much pressure on the relationship and her. She often told me that she wished she had met me 6 months or a year later, when I would have been more settled down.

 

So to sum up, build a fun life for yourself without your ex in the picture. It just might attract her back but even if it doesn't, you'll still have your fun life. Win-win.

[alpha99]

TooRational

 

I hear what you're saying. My comment does look like I'm doing things for her. I simply meant doing things for myself will have the side effect of her seeing them and being blown away. It seems like you've said previously we've had similar stories.

 

Having separated from my wife in the past, I know what I need to do to move on. This time has probably been harder because there's been no lies and deceit, and we are such a great fit for each other.

 

My emotions are up and down but with less variance and extremes. Today has been good. Work was festive for Christmas and I've been out socialising this evening, and been invited out for Christmas and New Year.

 

I have plans for the next few days to keep myself busy when I'm not at work.

 

Another day of NC. It's getting easier. The impulse to do something dramatic has waned. I still entertain ideas of turning up unannounced, buying her flowers, booking a nice meal blah, blah, blah but I know that's a fool's game.

 

Thoughts of NC occupy my quieter moments. It doesn't help I know but I wonder if she misses me, what we had. My life will go on and has a lot going for it, but I wonder about her and if she's lonely. She had previously got upset about the idea of being lonely before we met.

 

Anyway, nothing new to add, just some thoughts.

 

A crystal ball would be great, to look into the future and see how things pan out.

 

I now know should we ever reach the point of thinking of getting back together that it would be an awful lot of work. I have been hurt badly and things couldn't just resume from where we left off.

 

She definitely would have to make an effort to heal things.

 

I could go on and on but again I'm typing on a mobile.

.

Finally then, should she text over Xmas and new year what do you suggest as my response? Simple closed message? No reply? Tell her to leave me alone? Anything else?

 

Now I'm thinking I may send a delayed reply along the lines of thanks, hope you're well.

 

Come Jan I'm wondering how to deal with the plan to contact. Should I just let it ride or should I stick to what was agreed?

 

I think I'm all 'cried out' now. I feel a slight numbers there where there used to be pain

[TooRational]

Not sure what the best course of action about NC is in your case. You need to kinda figure it out yourself. What matters is what you need to do in order to feel good about yourself. For myself, I needed to go completely NC to heal and I specifically asked her not to contact me. This was to avoid exactly the kind of situations you're in now. What should I say if she contacts me... Should I contact her in a few weeks, etc... Anxiety inducing. It was "easier" to just cut contact.

 

I do believe that if we ever get a second chance later down the line, it will have been in part because I was strong enough to cut contact and not cling to her. I think she respects that.

[alpha99]

TooRational,

 

Your posts are a great help. I know I'm a good guy and there's someone out there for me. I'm sure as hard as it is, doing contact will restore some respect for me in my ex that after the begging and pleading phase I was able to follow through on giving her some space.

 

My ex is lovely but also quite resolute and stubborn. I feel if I were to completely ignore any texts she sends she'd brush it off and move on.

 

Of course I don't want that and so I think now I will respond in some way. I don't wish to be rude but I need to not be overly friendly, pushing, chasing, being too available in anyway.

 

Again, my ex assumed if she texts me at Christmas I'll call her. I won't do that unless her message is one requiring a call.

 

*****

 

The above was written yesterday but I didn't post it. Today is Saturday and I'm having a rough day. I guess during the week I'm at work and preoccupied for the most part. At the weekends, although busy, I have time to think. I know she's off work too and so thoughts skip through my head if whether she's on a date etc. I'm not helping myself I know, and so I try to move on and do an activity to distract myself from those thoughts. Being nearly Christmas isn't helping. I am missing her a lot.

 

Looking at other's stories has helped a lot. Also, I have a friend who has been on 40+ dates whilst single and I think he said only a handful got to second date stage. I know my ex is incredibly picky so although the thought if her potentially dating someone is hard, I console myself that she's unlikely to meet someone who fits the bill online in such a shirt space of time.

 

Anyway, the less time spent on these things the better. I know that. Largely what will be will be, but I do want to be with her.

[alpha99]

Need to post here right now. Finding it very, very hard at the moment.

 

My son just woke up at 1am feeling ill and whilst up with him I browse Facebookbfir a moment.

 

My ex seems to have been in a works night out with all her work mates.

 

There's been a few pictures posted on there of her and her females work mates. She looks so happy and so beautiful, and I just want to reach out to her - but it's nearly 2am now and she'll be in bed.

 

This is the biggest urge I've had to contact her. There's no men in the picture, bar what looks like a colleague, but I feel sick.

 

Maybe I should remove her from Facebook but that would seem pretty, or maybe I should reach out to her. 2 weeks is the longest we've ever gone without contact since we've known esch other.

 

Help someone please!!!

[Sweetfish]

Need to post here right now. Finding it very, very hard at the moment.

 

My son just woke up at 1am feeling ill and whilst up with him I browse Facebookbfir a moment.

 

My ex seems to have been in a works night out with all her work mates.

 

There's been a few pictures posted on there of her and her females work mates. She looks so happy and so beautiful, and I just want to reach out to her - but it's nearly 2am now and she'll be in bed.

 

This is the biggest urge I've had to contact her. There's no men in the picture, bar what looks like a colleague, but I feel sick.

 

Maybe I should remove her from Facebook but that would seem pretty, or maybe I should reach out to her. 2 weeks is the longest we've ever gone without contact since we've known esch other.

 

Help someone please!!!

 

Remove her.. the damage you'll do contacting her is greater than blocking her.. but dont do it now... its too obvious

Edited December 18, 2016 by Sweetfish

[ExpatInItaly]

Delete her off Facebook, OP.

 

You're only doing further harm to yourself by keeping her on there.

[TooRational]

I agree with the others, you need to unfriend her from Facebook. I too was reluctant to take that advice but I finally did and I'm glad I did.

 

This limbo mode that this woman is subjecting you to is torture. It doesn't look like she's about to stop either. She probably appreciates the attention (in small doses). At some point you're gonna have to be the one that walks out on this unhealthy dynamic (basically going permanent NC). Putting your life on hold for the faint hope of ever reconnecting with that woman is no way to live. If it were to happen, would you really like another relationship were she is so not attached that she can't say I love you? Because it's extremely likely that this would happen, especially because the infatuation of a new relationship is now gone.

 

I'll make the recommendation for the book Attached again. I think you would benefit tremendously from reading it.

[springy]

Agree with the other posters about un-friending her for your own sake. Disagree that she has you in limbo. She's been quite forthcoming with her feelings about the relationship. Sorry to say that it seems alpha has placed himself in limbo by refusing to let her go.

 

I do not think un-friending an ex is petty! You need to do what is best for your emotional health.

[Apricotjelly90]

I dont suggest you unfriending her completely from facebook, that might send the wrong message (you're jelous, you are holding a grudge, you are giving her way too much power) if you have sufficient will power I suggest you turn off all notifications from her, so she wont appear on your news feed, and resist the urge to check her profile.

 

What have you decided about the christmas message?

[alpha99]

A little step back and then a big step forward today!!!!

 

2 weeks NC today. Sat in work I check Facebook and see she's online. After an awful weekend where I saw her tagged with her (female) workmate on a works night out I panicked and thought I'd send a text.

 

I said 'Good morning XXX, how's it going?'

 

She replied back a minute later 'morning. All good 2 more sleeps. How are you?'

 

Encouraged by this I replied 10 minutes later with '4 more sleeps for me. Busy weekend here. You been up to much?'

 

That last sentence was probably an error.

 

Now, I sent this around the time she leaves for work. She hasn't replied all day. After a brief high I quickly realised it was a mistake.

 

We all make mistakes. I shouldn't have broken no contact. So what do you when making an error? Learn from it.

 

I realised my emotions have been held hostage based on when she's online on Facebook, whatsapp etc, and then finally when this innocent picture of her was posted I felt sick. I imagined all sorts of things but it was basically her and her colleague having a drink. I imagined what men might have chatted her up, if she'd met anyone whilst out, trying to guess what she's up to based on the last time she was on WhatsApp/Facebook etc.

 

This has to stop. I haven't had the willpower to just not look for any great period of time.

 

So this evening...I've deleted the lot!

 

Phone contact...gone

WhatsApp contact...gone

Text history...gone

Facebook app...gone (account still active and she's still a friend but I'm going to have a break from it for a while - so no app on phone now)

 

All in all, I'm now in a position where I can't drive myself crazy second guessing scraps of info off the net. Should she meet the man of her dreams tomorrow and post about it all online, I won't be seeing it till the point where I care a little less way down the line.

 

Don't get me wrong, I want to be with her. I do hold out hope for that, and I think I would reply to any Christmas message or future messages post Christmas, but now I cannot go into panic mode and do sometjing daft like spontaneously contact her on a whim when my emotions get the better of me.

 

I have kept her number in a safe place but if things are to work out it's going to take time and she will have to contact me. I believe she will at some point - I think we had it too good to just never speak again - but now I plan to do proper NC and hopefully heal a lot quicker.

 

I do miss her like mad but at some point you've got to let it be, let fate play it's part, and if she comes back to me at some point down the road I'll know it's because she reconsidered, which she says is a possibility, rather than I harassed her into something. I don't want to impulsively contact her again. I want to be free of this anguish that has engulfed me.

 

I am better than this. I should know better. I behaved similarly after my marriage broke down. I'm sure now I will rapidly feel better.

 

Being honest, I will check now and again to see if she's on the dating site... but that's it.

 

If come Jan when we say we're going to meet up I'm feeling confident in myself etc then great, so be it. I could see myself making the fatal error of allowing time to pass without making real, lasting changes, just counting down the time.

 

Now I'm going to go out and watch some football this evening. I'm going to pick up an old hobby, continue my self studies, continue with the gym, have made Christmas plans with friends and family. I feel what she must have felt - relief - relief that this phase of holding on is over.

 

I want her back...but she'll have to come and find me now...and if she does then that's the best way for it to happen. If she doesn't then over time I'll get over it. That thought right now is a sad one but you can't live on faint hope and nice memories.

 

To the future!!!

[ExpatInItaly]

Good for you, OP.

 

I think you badly needed to cut off your points of contact in this way. Try to enjoy the holidays now, and look forward to better and brighter things in the new year.

[alpha99]

We had reason to speak on Tuesday about upcoming court proceedings regarding my children and any involvement or not our relationship may have in them.

 

After discussing that things turned to us. She was quite cool, the coolest she's ever been with me, and of few words. She backtracked on the previous conversation and now said maybe in Jan we could be friends with the occasional call and text. She said she doesn't want to give me hope that we would get back together. She thinks that I'm holding out hope that everything would work out fine in January and we'd get back together, but she said we need to be realistic and she can't see it happening. She said that I talked for so long previously that she felt that she was talked into meeting up in Jan etc.

 

I mentioned being friends and seeing what came from that, and she was pretty cool on that too. She said we can't go from a relationship to being friends right now without some time apart to make it clear we're not getting back together.

 

A weird thing happened, at a certain point it appeared that a phone rang but it seemed to be another phone - I didn't think it was her phone. At the same time the phone rang there appeared to be a male voice saying something like '...I wouldn't even speak to him.... I'd tell him to f*** off'. This overlapped the ringing. She said, oh that's just a random thing on my pho...er on my laptop. Then seconds later a phone rang again. She said who's calling me now. She had been on the phone when I originally tried to call her that evening before contacting me back - and at this point it was past 10pm so unusual for someone who isn't close to call her I believe.

 

It's these things that can drive you mad thinking about them so I'm trying not to bar writing this out. She had been online on the dating site just before I rang, which would indicate she didn't have 'company' at home and that she was on her laptop. But then, phones don't normally ring if you're mid call do they? I'm not sure it was a phone, it did sound the first time like it could be a IM computer ringtone - who knows. The random thing is the male, Irish sounding voice and the swearing from 'him'- she very rarely swears so I have no idea what she may have been watching etc online or what exactly happened.

 

Nothing I can do about it I suppose. Just more questions than answers.

 

Elsewhere she said she'd made a decision and I wasn't taking it very well. It's clear she sees me as clinging on and not respecting her wishes. I need to ensure if we speak again I don't mention our relationship or pressure her in any way.

 

The call ended with agreement we'd speak over Christmas, although she said not to call Christmas Day as she'd be 'up the wall' and when asked about meeting in Jan she said I don't know, we'll see how we're feeling then.

 

She said we need some time apart because constant contact would give me hope that we'd get back together, and she doesn't want to give me that impression.

 

Overall, I'm resigned to the situation as it is and have been feeling slightly better about things - as I wrote previously. My hunch is she's still single, may have been on a date or two, possibly speaking to someone online or on the phone.

 

I have cut off Facebook/WhatsApp etc but have checked at times her online dating site presence. She's on it quite regularly but not an awful lot. We spoke for a few weeks on there before meeting up way back when so it would seem awfully quick to have met someone else so soon when she'd said she'd been away on a work course (true, planned for months) and had only had a week or so to do so. If she has or hasn't, my relief comes from knowing there's nothing I can do about it. What will be will be.

 

Nearly two months on I still love her, being apart is hard, and I do want her back.

 

I'm torn between no contact and the 'modern man's' approach of keeping in touch and through interaction changing her perception of me, and trying to reattract her.

 

I will call briefly at Christmas time I've decided, just briefly wishing all the best, and saying I accept the break up and would like to meet as planned mid Jan as friends but that's her decision.

 

The key here is if we met I wouldn't act as a platonic friend, I'd laugh, joke, flirt, tease, but not make the mistake of mentioning 'us' like I did last time. The idea being she starts to let her guard down and becomes more open to future meet ups and to me in general, maybe even reconsidering her decision over time - all in conjunction with the new me -hair, clothes, physique etc.

 

My belief is feelings can be changed based on the moment. Over time feelings change. Based on interaction, or lack of it, people like, love, hate each other, miss one another or move on.

 

My only foot in the door I suppose is she doesn't want to cut off all contact. She's said that a few times. If it's a case of her having her cake and eating it - no relationship but keeping the friendship part - then perhaps the way to go is no contact after all and let her truly miss me, which I'm certain over time she will.

 

Anyway, quite a thorough analysis there I guess with no clear plan of what to do next.

 

Often I've read here of stories where when people finally let go that their ex came back. It's the fear of letting go that keeps us hanging on. For me, the idea of interacting and winning her back is most appealing, but maybe I'll end up friendzoned, or worse, be around if/when she meets someone else.

 

The idea she could just move on is hard. I know she'd have given lots of thought to things, so I guess I just need to live my life, not panic or worry, try and put all of this on the back burner, and very quickly the weeks and months pass by and either we both move on completely or somehow things work out.

 

Thanks for reading. Any thoughts on all this?

 

I

[TooRational]

My blunt opinion is that it's over man, you have to let her go. You have to respect her choice and move on with your life.

 

Unfriend her from Facebook, stop stalking her dating profile (really, just stop that). I get it, breakups hurt. But holding on to a thin hope of getting back together will not bring anything positive in your life, it prevents you from moving on to better things (i.e. a woman who truly loves you).

 

I've personally been NC for 6 months now and it's getting easier every day. I'm at a point where I don't really want my ex back. I don't want all the complications we had in our relationship, despite all the great and intense moments. I'm actually going on a second date soon with a woman that could turn out to be even better than my ex. I believe that it's possible now, even if I had great chemistry with my ex. It's possible to get that great chemistry again.

[springy]

We had reason to speak on Tuesday about upcoming court proceedings regarding my children and any involvement or not our relationship may have in them.I

 

Why are your court proceedings about your children "reason to speak" to her? You're already broken up. There's no "our relationship" anymore. Looks like you were just looking for an excuse to break nc. I'm really not trying to be cruel here, but can you see how you twisted this into an excuse to call her?

 

After discussing that things turned to us. She was quite cool, the coolest she's ever been with me, and of few words. She backtracked on the previous conversation and now said maybe in Jan we could be friends with the occasional call and text. She said she doesn't want to give me hope that we would get back together. She thinks that I'm holding out hope that everything would work out fine in January and we'd get back together, but she said we need to be realistic and she can't see it happening. She said that I talked for so long previously that she felt that she was talked into meeting up in Jan etc.

 

She is telling you all you need to know (again) in this conversation. There is no limbo, no "false hope" anywhere in here. Please, for your sake, let go...do not call on, around or after Christmas. She felt pressured into agreeing to see you in January (it is easy to see how she felt that way) and likely feels pressured into communicating with you, because you just won't let her be.

 

She had been online on the dating site just before I rang, which would indicate she didn't have 'company' at home and that she was on her laptop. But then, phones don't normally ring if you're mid call do they? I'm not sure it was a phone, it did sound the first time like it could be a IM computer ringtone - who knows. The random thing is the male, Irish sounding voice and the swearing from 'him'- she very rarely swears so I have no idea what she may have been watching etc online or what exactly happened.

 

This is just too much..please stop torturing yourself. She probably is dating, in the real world and online. Try to stop going round and round with yourself. It looks so mentally torturous.

 

Elsewhere she said she'd made a decision and I wasn't taking it very well. It's clear she sees me as clinging on and not respecting her wishes. I need to ensure if we speak again I don't mention our relationship or pressure her in any way.

 

Do you see the truth in what she's saying here? Practically begging you to back off. If you keep on the current path, this is going to turn into her ignoring you and/or saying hurtful things to really get her point across.

 

The call ended with agreement we'd speak over Christmas, although she said not to call Christmas Day as she'd be 'up the wall' and when asked about meeting in Jan she said I don't know, we'll see how we're feeling then.

 

You really shouldn't call her anymore...for any reason whatsoever.

 

She said we need some time apart because constant contact would give me hope that we'd get back together, and she doesn't want to give me that impression.

 

It seems she has said this time and time again - yet you refuse to give her any amount of time away from you, and in fact are currently considering staying in touch regardless...

 

You continue to talk about how her feelings could change. It's fair to say that people's feelings do change but this woman is resolute and has been clear with you from the get-go. She seems pretty self-aware to me.

 

Overall, I'm resigned to the situation as it is...

 

This does not seem to be the case, based on this and other posts. Enjoy Christmas, enjoy your children, focus on moving on. She really could not make her feelings any clearer, and she's been very kind about it. Don't force her to get cruel. Don't do this to yourself. Continue your path to healing and improving whatever it is you feel needs improvement, but do these things for yourself and your future, not for her. She has given you what so many others on this forum long for - closure. I mean closure in the form of what appears to be very truthful answers to the demise of the relationship.

 

This thread is a testament to the concept that closure comes from within, as it seems nothing she says is going to ease your mind. You have to decide that you did all you could do, you got all the answers you could from her and it's time to move forward.

[dumbass2]

Alpha I have one word for you, DENIAL

 

I mentioned way back when that you should accept the break up and get your divorce and child care out of the way before you try to reconnect. That would have been your best shot at getting her back. Now you are going to push her away for good and she will never talk to you again if you keep it up. I think she might be starting to see you as delusional and that you have physiological issues (which is how it comes off on here). I think you need a therapist. You need to leave this poor woman alone. If not, it's gonna get ugly. You're going to make her have to get mean and nasty with you because you don't get it.

 

She said "not to call Christmas Day" and what do you plan to do?

"I will call briefly at Christmas time"

 

You really can't take a hint. Actually it's not even a hint, she's told you it's over. You don't listen her at all. She says something very straightforward and then you twist it to fit your wants.

 

We all have gone through denial with a break up, but it is sad to see someone who is at such an extreme level. I hope you get help.

Edited December 22, 2016 by dumbass2

[Sweetfish]

Alpha... im sorry your last post was a disappointing read.

 

You refuse NC your going to pay the price! Your gonna get friend zoned guy.

 

You gotta understand the human brain.

 

You have to inflict lost.

[alpha99]

The reason for contacting her is that at the last court hearing she was mentioned as being my partner in relation to interacting with the children of course. I know she's not as of now but our last conversation was that we need a 'break' and we did agree to see how things were in Jan. I wanted to speak to her to see exactly what that meant and what she was comfortable with me saying. I only wanted to say the truth of course at the hearing but present the best case possible, and wanted to know her thoughts about it. She was quite happy to talk about this and there was no animosity at all. I received a letter about the court that day hearing hence why I called her. She acknowledged that this was fine to do.

 

Yeah, I've struggled with the break up. People do. No denying that. I have made steps to improve things. We didn't speak for over two weeks before I contacted her, which was hard, but getting easier.

 

I've been laughing, joking at work more, and starting to sleep slightly better.

 

Yeah, she's been totally honest, and I've said before I believe she's a rare kind that has just cut through the break up clichés and spoken largely the truth.

 

I'm not trying to convince you all, I know it must seem that way, but a lot more goes on besides what I write here and how I write it, and she did seem OK with us speaking over Christmas. I thought of calling sometime between Xmas and New Year. She said that's fine, just not Xmas day, as I wrote earlier. She has said repeatedly that she doesn't want to completely cut me out of her life. I know she does care for me but those deep feelings haven't been there.

 

I guess most people would give up and move on. I don't want to be the pest that won't quit, I said as much to her, which made us both chuckle, but I do want to win her back. I clearly need to approach this in a different way.

 

My Christmas call, should I make one, will be a 2 minute merry Christmas, best wishes to you and your family type thing. No pressure, no relationship talk, the first step to making things better to some degree.

 

The internet is full of no contact advice. I get that. I'm torn between that and trying to actively spark interest in her. The problem is, as you all gather, that I get on the phone, have a nice chat, and then start relationship talk and it all goes down hill. maybe if I didn't contact her for months on end we'd both reach a point where things had settled and a clean slate reaches, and if were single who knows. I know given the situation I couldn't have treated her any better. Good people are hard to find, and I'm sure she'll find that out. She backtracked in the last call but had previously said if it turned out she missed me she would seek me out. Again, the other day she said she ''wouldn't not let it happen" when that came up again.

 

Our meet up a few weeks ago went fantastically well until relationship talk reared its head. Previous calls have gone really well til I crossed the line once again.

 

I really do need to ease off, chill out, and take stock. I'd like to meet her mid Jan, which she says we'll see how we're both feeling then, and show her my normal self that isnt reeking with desperation. Reading between the lines I did take her comment there as being it depends how her dating goes/if shes single. I'm going to work hard on myself in that time either way.

 

Sometimes you have to really stretch the elastic to breaking point to know you're at the limit. I'm there now. I was virtually there the last call. Any more and we cross the line into being hard, cold, cruel to me. I wouldn't want that.

 

We have gotten on as best friends for so long that I don't want to lose her in my life. Of course I want more than that, but friends would allow a chance to spark that interest in her. At the point either of us met someone else then it'd be time then to step back completely.

 

Thank you all for being so hard and honest. I journal here to get my thoughts and feelings out, and I know I'll get your honest views.

 

Finally, I've done an awful lot of research and there's plenty of cases far worse than mine where people have got back together. Without being delusional, I believe in hope and going after what you want. Again, the approach has been wrong but I'm going to look to date, love in my life in every way. Whilst working on this in a more controlled manner.

 

In future, should we maintain low contact or whatever, I plan to show a different side of myself - one that is there but being blocked by the constant relationship talk.

 

I appreciate all your advice, hence why I post here, and I think long and hard about what you all say.

 

Am I in denial? Yes...and no. I know the relationship is over. Got that. I believe I can change her feelings, despite what she is saying in this moment. I've been going about that in the wrong way and need to stop pushing her away further. I got that in the call weeks ago. Problem is I continued it to some degree. Honestly, was the court case letter a chance to speak to her? Yes. I only planned to stick to that though.

 

I'm going to enjoy Xmas. I wish you all a merry Christmas. I probably will call/text a simple Xmas message. I will then back right off. If we meet in Jan then that's the last chance saloon really before I go total NC and get on with life.

[Sweetfish]

Humans are funny creatures.

 

I understand you say your girlfriend is rare. I can honestly say the same for my ex gf. She was rare and "not like other girls" but we fail to see the reality. Imagine everyone's personality was like the operating system windows 95. Every computer you run into is different... you'll see different brackgrounds, different software and different color schemes.

 

What you need to understand is attraction and sexual drive is like DOS. Its primative and basic, but its the backbone of windows. No matter what computer (girlfriend) seems rare or different from the others.. DOS is the driving core of windows and if you can understand that... no computer is really rare..just as people are not really rare

 

What im saying, if you follow. Is your give the excuse that she is rare and you play on this characteristic. At the core of all men and women they are the same and driven by selfish needs some way or another.

 

 

The reality is her needs have changed...

Could be because of you or because of her.

Could be because she takes your love for granted.

But your value has changed and to bring it up you need to disappear...

 

Thats why women go crazy when they see another women with their man. Its a value game. Thats the way the brain works.

 

Read smokey bears (member) post if you havent. It wasnt until her man cut her completely did her loss kick in.. look at any recon thread here.. the guy completely removes him self from his ex and that is when the lost is really felt.

 

If your around... you just a backup that may or may not get used. Go do stuff. experience life and grow... so that if she realize you were the one.. you have new things to show her, your new and improved and so on. Go fly in glider, read books, travel, do salsa lessons. Really grow for you.

 

Make the lost real and gain your value again. Relationships is a game of value and some people do not understand the feeling they lose is not a lost of love... but the brain not pumping chemicals in the body anymore because its stressful to the body...

 

Search the 2 year drop.

 

Hope that helps

Edited December 22, 2016 by Sweetfish

[alpha99]

Excellent analogy Sweet fish.

 

All I meant is that my ex has given a valid specific reason for our break up rather than standard clichés of wanting to grow, have space, whatever else. I do respect her enormously for her honesty both throughout our relationship and our break up. I realise beneath our individuality we all largely operate in the same way in terms of attraction, desire etc.

 

I will search for the smokey bear thread now as well as two year drop.

 

Yea, I've read many stories of it's only when someone has let go and completely moved on that weirdly an ex has reappeared...

 

I've been scared of letting go. Daft really. She has free will and will do as she pleases anyway.

 

Thanks again. If I could just follow through on this line of thought I know I'd heal much quicker providing I do it for myself rather than as a means to get her back.

 

In some ways I wish I could skip six months down the line knowing that by that point things may well be resolved one way or another.

 

To recap, I've deleted WhatsApp, Facebook from my mobile, written her number down somewhere but have deleted all old texts, WhatsApp messages and her number from my phone in a bid to try and move on.

 

As my recent messages show, I'm conflicted over this. Thank you all for your advice and support. It really does mean a lot as I don't have many real life aides to offer me advice.

[Sweetfish]

Writing her number down and hiding it... is no different than an alcoholic hiding a bottle of scotch in his safe place after going thru 12 step hoping he will get a sip when he is healed.

 

It dont work that way.. rid everything.

 

The only love you want is the love she gives from with in... not some ex girlfriend recover ploy... 30 days is not enough for a person to say.. omg i screwed up..

 

It can take 6 months and the chances are so slim.. depending on how great a boyfriend you were and if the next man comes close to you. There are soo many variables.

 

Also, depends how well of a boyfriend you were in the relationship. I think many guys here, dont get the gf back because they didnt keep the bar high in the relationship.

[dumbass2]

Only after I disappeared from my ex's life with NC (and I mean total NC), did she contact me months down the road. It didn't work out, but I finally took the advice on here and went NC for myself and then only after time, did she come back, but not for good, but we had that one chance. The fact is, sometimes they don't realize what they had until you do this. They don't always come back and if they do it rarely works, but until they have had time to miss you, they wont feel the loss. If they don't contact you again, then the lose wasn't great to them and so be it. Like you have done already, I had left my ex clearly knowing that I wanted things to work, but never beg and pleaded. Nothing else I could have done. Can't force things and I didn't want to dis-respect myself any further by continuing to be in contact with someone who said they didn't want to be in a romantic relationship with me any longer. You're definitely not scoring any points with her by what you are doing, only pressuring her and she will end up wanting nothing to do with you if you keep it up.

Edited December 22, 2016 by dumbass2

[alpha99]

I know I was a great boyfriend. I always held doors open, treated her nicely and with respect, paid for most meals/drinks even though she could easily have done, helped her out when she needed it with work and other things, cooked, took her to nice places, tried to find new experiences for us both, tried to make her feel attractive, ensured she was 'satisfied' etc. If anything I was too nice, too good. I never let it slip, courteous etc. Maybe I went OTT. That's my issue. I believe if she saw more of 'me' all the rougher edges, it would actually make a difference. I've read again and again women don't like to feel you're making them your everything. They want you to have your own life. They want a challenge, to see you have purpose in your life, not to put them on a pedestal.

 

Time and again I haven't taken your advice, and look at the mess I'm in. I've thought long and hard, and as of now here's what I'm going to do:

 

*I will keep her number safely for future reference but not on my phone.

*Stop checking online presence.

*Say hi at Christmas (maybe I'll wait and see if she says hi at any point)

*Attempt no contact, get on with life, and if she ever comes back, which may be months down the line or maybe even never, then deal with it then.

 

Despite my posts, I have been feeling better, although I do think about her every day.

 

Hopefully going full NC changes that quickly.

Edited December 23, 2016 by alpha99

[ExpatInItaly]

OP - she is over you. It is so plainly obvious from her conversations with you that she wants to back the heck off. Start listening to her. You might have been an awesome guy to her, but the truth is that it doesn't matter if she doesn't have the right feelings for you. And she has told you many times that she doesn't.

 

She is already trying to move on and probably is dating or at least talking to other men. And don't expect her to come out and tell you if she had. She likely isn't going to be sharing that with you, because A) it's not your business, and B) she knows you'd probably go off the deep end.

 

Her actions and words all support her assertion that she doesn't want a relationship with you. Please, stop clinging and being desperate. All you're doing is assuring her that she made the right choice ending it and it's very clear you're bothering her. Just stop so you can make a fresh start in the new year.