1 Year relationship - can't say she loves me! [update: We have split up]

[ExpatInItaly]

Let go of the outcome.

 

I would wholeheartedly advise against this meeting so soon after she ended it, but since you've already decided, stop trying to calculate every move and plot each step. It will seem forced and false and she will pick up on it immediately. We women are intuitive like that, and she knows you well enough to identify your usual behaviour versus a performance. She already knows you didn't want this break-up, so she knows going into this meeting you're trying to win her back.

 

You can certainly be positive going into it and maintain a friendly vibe. Don't go overboard, don't stray too far away from who you really are.

[dumbass2]

What is the exact day the divorce will be finalized?

 

What are the specifics of the divorce? Who gets what? how will the child custody work and child care?

[alpha99]

Hey there,

 

So we went out last night. It was a mixed result.

 

We went out for tea and drinks. There was no awkwardness as right from the off we were comfortable around each other. For over 2 hours we chatted, I flirted, we laughed, and got on as good as ever.

 

At a certain point she brought up the relationship and I stupidly got dragged into talking about it. This wasn't good. I moved from sitting opposite her in a booth to sitting next to her. As we chatted I rubbed her back, a bit of her leg, occasionally her hair etc.

 

Ultimately she said that right now she feels she made the right decision. She reiterated the same thing about being friends, not feeling more than that, and that she knows what I'm saying when I mention about being fully myself, changing how we do things to bring about a change in feeling, but she said that she doesn't want to do that right now.

 

There's so many things that were said but I'll try and keep to the main points.

 

I'd walked to our meet up and so she gave me a lift home. In the car outside my house we chatted for another hour or so. She offered friendship. I told her I can't just be your friend, I want more. We both hit upon the idea that maybe one month apart with regular phone calls and her being so, so busy the work project has meant that we haven't had enough time apart for her to really see if she will miss me. She got her phone out at one point and it has a live stream of her images and I popped up on them. I called her out on this and she said that she looks at the pics, hasn't deleted any etc. She suggested if we can't be friends we have zero contact for a while. Later on we suggested meeting up again for coffee before Christmas.

 

Finally, as I did when we split, I said about seeing how we feel come the end of January. She said she didn't know how she'll feel then, didn't want to say no, but didn't want to offer hope and have me sit around waiting for time to pass. She had noted earlier in the evening how happy I seemed being single and how things in my life had improved. So she did say that if we're both single come January we'd go out on a few dates and see if there was anything there.

 

Again, she said she's always on the end of the phone, we can chat, be friends etc. We did touch upon other people and dating, and she said that she hasn't met anyone, has been online on the dating site but only gets random creepy messages, that there isn't a queue around the block for her, and that the dating site loads up whenever she turns her laptop on. With Xmas only weeks away and her still being busy at work, her meeting someone else before January seems unlikely.

 

Oh I forgot to say, we kissed passionately in the car at the end of the night. We did this twice. That left me confused. I asked her into mine for a drink and talked about sleeping together. She seemed open to the idea but said it wouldn't be for the best, would be unfair to me etc.

 

Now I want to know what to do for the best in terms of getting her back. Should I go NC or LC? Should I continue on the path I've used so far in trying to re-attract her back through the phone calls and other meet ups? Should I push to keep the coffee date before Christmas? Should I just sit back and get on with life till January and then pop up in her life and see where things stand? I want to do this next part right and so would appreciate advice on the best thing to do to get her back.

[TooRational]

It seems crystal clear that she needs time and space to figure out what she wants. By all means give it to her. That means no phone calls. No initiated contact.

 

I wouldn't read too much into the kiss. She still has some affection for you but not enough to be in a relationship. I had passionate sex with my ex 3 weeks after our break up. Didn't change anything. It only meant that we were still sexually attracted to each other, which never was in question.

 

Just chill for a month and stop over analyzing her every move. This break will be good for you too.

[alpha99]

Thanks TooRational for the advice. I'd be interested if you expanded your thoughts on giving her space. I can see how detaching from it all would make things easier for me, but letting go, even for a while, is so hard to do.

 

A few things: she called me back last night after I'd call her before going out. It was just to arrange the meet up time and place but it's the first time she's called me since we split. She also texted a few times to say she was on her way etc. I did flirt quite strongly and for some time she tried to resisted but then other times I detected a smirk and a smile she tried to keep hidden.

 

I'm at a crossroads over what to do next. Take away the relationship talk and last night was lovely. We weren't together but the connection I feel we share was there from the off. The 'talk' that dominated the second part of the evening meant her defences came up. On the one hand she thinks that we're done but on the other she appears open to things changing in the future.

 

Therefore I don't know whether to continue on doing what I've been doing in terms of calling her up, trying to re-attract her, organising meet ups and slowly working on building it up with her, or whether to step back, give us both some space, and reconnect in January if we're both still single and see what happens then.

 

The only time she got quite emotional was when I said I didn't want to be friends with her. Maybe that was a sign that whlist I'm there as a back up she doesn't have to think about losing me completely? I noticed her eyes slightly well up and water, and an intake of breath, as well as an uncomfortableness when I said I didn't want to be her friend. It was then that she said maybe we shouldn't contact each other for a while.

 

The kissing also confuses things. It wasn't a peck on the cheek, it was quite passionate. I hear you about not reading much into it but why bother kissing at all?

 

We have spoken again this morning and I basically said that I would be friends with her but I would be looking to build a connection over time to see if we could rekindle things. I said friends that are going nowhere is not what I want from her. She said she thought it would be too hard for me to be her friend like that right now. She suggested we maybe need time away from each other to see how we feel. I said again that friends to me would be people doing things together on a regular basis, maybe weekly. She said well isn't that just dating? I said it depends on how we define things and being clear where we stand. If we don't sleep together and she doesn't stay over etc then we're just doing friend things but being together (and me flirting etc) could foster the feelings she wants to feel. If over time feelings changed and it went somewhere it'd be because we both wanted them too. If someone else came along then naturally we'd step back from the friendship. She said she's going to think about things and we'll talk later in the week with my view that we may do something next weekend.

[TooRational]

My thoughts about giving her space is simply because she's repeatedly told you that this is what she needs herself. You don't wanna be just friends now and she doesn't wanna be back into a relationship with you now. That doesn't leave a whole lot of options. Pushing too hard to get her back is going against her will and even if you do succeed, I have the feeling that she will resent the fact that she didn't get that time by herself to reflect.

 

Bottom line is stop thinking only about what you want and consider what she wants too. She wants a break, the least you can do is oblige. Even if it's not what you want.

 

Only my 2 cents. Of course I'm highly unqualified to give advice

[ExpatInItaly]

My thoughts about giving her space is simply because she's repeatedly told you that this is what she needs herself. You don't wanna be just friends now and she doesn't wanna be back into a relationship with you now. That doesn't leave a whole lot of options. Pushing too hard to get her back is going against her will and even if you do succeed, I have the feeling that she will resent the fact that she didn't get that time by herself to reflect.

 

Bottom line is stop thinking only about what you want and consider what she wants too. She wants a break, the least you can do is oblige. Even if it's not what you want.

 

Only my 2 cents. Of course I'm highly unqualified to give advice

 

As a woman, I very much agree with the above.

 

One of the hardest things in dating is ending with someone who is a good man, but not someone we really feel it for. We don't want to hurt him so we try to be nice, but at the same time, don't want to go there again. We might agree to meet up for a friendly dinner or drink without really getting that this is sending the wrong signals.

 

OP, if you keep at it, she is going to become annoyed. She has told you again and again that she only wants to be friends. Let this go before it backfires completely, because if you keep pushing it's not going to end well for you. It's already not working, as you can see by her repeating she just wants to be friends. She doesn't miss you. Why? You won't give the opportunity to.

 

Please, believe her. Listen to what she is saying. She knows what she wants. It's not what you want, but refusing to accept it is going to make this so much harder on you. As I have said from the beginning, if you want even the slimmest of chances, you're sabotaging it left and right.

[alpha99]

Thank you both for your replies. I know in the past I've asked for advice here but haven't taken it. I think this time I must for my own sanity.

 

Anyway, before I read your messages I had actually called her yesterday morning. It was only a 10 minute chat as I had to leave to do something.

 

I basically said I could be friends so long as we had an eye to something happening down the line. I said that friends going nowhere is not what I want. My idea, which I honestly conveyed to her, is that being around each other even just as friends might inspire feelings over time.

 

She replied saying she felt it would be too hard for me going from what we had to just being friends. I had said I meant friends in terms of seeing each other on a regular basis, not just saying we're friends and hardly ever seeing each other, so being around each other, doing something once a week or so, and seeing what happens. If either of us met someone else then we'd take a step back from the friendship.

 

I said it's something for you to think about. She questioned that I'd said the night before that I didn't want to be friends. I said it's about defining how we go about it. She said wouldn't seeing each other so often just be like dating. I said not if we don't sleep together, hold hands, kiss etc. I also asked if she'd like to do something next weekend.

 

She did also say that she knows what I want, and that it's hard for her to see me upset, and that maybe we need to do what I'd suggested initially, i.e. see each other here and there, once or twice, and then catch up in January and see if we can reconnect then if we're both single.

 

I again said I'd like to see her regularly even if for the time being it was just as friends. She said we do need to be just friends for the time being. She finished by saying she'd have a think about things and let me know.

 

I'm going to see what her response is, if I get one at all. Apart from calling to say she was on her way the other night, and a text or two immediately prior to her leaving, she has made no contact with me since we split.

 

Maybe a bit quickly, I feel my emotions take over me sometimes even when most of the time I can manage them, but I tried to call today and she didn't answer. It was quite early morning. So instead of calling and texting relentlessly, I just texted to say I wanted to ask her something and maybe I'd call later. I haven't. I'm not going to.

 

What I'm going to do is essentially go no contact. If she gets back in the meantime, either this week coming or beyond, then I'll deal with that, but as it stands I think I'm going to go into no contact mode throughout the Christmas period and then see where we stand come January.

 

The difficulty is that although most of the internet proposes no contact to heal yourself and give your ex the chance to miss you, and you have advised that here, the website that I've followed and used that appears to me to make the most sense over all this stuff, does say that actively trying to reattract your ex is far better than hanging around ignoring her whilst she just moves on. I followed the methods on the site and things had definitely improved. If we'd have gone out and I hadn't have got roped into the relationship talk I'm sure she'd have gone home and thought about what a nice time we had. She still said she had a nice time, and we did kiss (although she also said a lot of stuff implying we wouldn't get together), and we outlined either being friends or meeting up and possibly dating in January.

 

So my problem is the advice I have followed from the other website the most has had some success, but just maybe I wasn't able to follow it through to the T, whereas most of the internet, and most people here, suggest no contact is the way to go.

 

She has mentioned needing space, but I've wondered whether that was just code for leave me alone. But then she did meet up, we did kiss, and now I'm confused. Yet today she didn't answer the phone when I called.

 

I think I need to stop reacting emotionally to things like seeing her online and instead just completely ditch things for a month or so and see where things stand, and how I feel, then.

 

Therefore I'm considering deleting whatsapp from my phone and deactivating my facebook account for a month, just to help me from looking at her online presence all the time.

 

After reading the above, what would you recommend?

 

**edit** Just to add, maybe it's my panic mode kicking in again, but I was considering sending her a photo album of pictures of us along with a letter, not a pour your heart out letter, but just exactly in words how I feel, what I'd like, and what possibility there is of a future together. As I type this out it doesn't seem like it's a good idea, but maybe that's just how I'm explaining it. The hope would be to get her to remember some of the nicer times we've had together, and a letter to pull on her heartstrings just a little.***

 

***edit 2*** it doesn't help that I've been out to the cinema this evening and watched quite an emotional movie. Call me soft if you like, but I nearly shed a tear watching it, particularly a bit where there's a family and a baby involved. It made me think of what we had talked about previously and what I'd like with her. So I thought rather than acting rashly I'd come on here and ask for some advice from clear minded individuals.****

 

***edit 3*** I know I need to change what I'm doing as I'm obsessing over her. Eg, she lives on Facebook when she's not at work. She hasn't been on the dating site for a day or two and she hasn't been on Facebook all day. It makes me think that she's on a date right now as I write this. I have no idea if she is, and it could just be my imagination, but that's the problem isn't it. Even if she is on a date there's nothing I can do about it, so I know I need to let go of the outcome and try and get on with my life*** Any help with what to do would be appreciated greatly as I'm all over the place with what to do. I need to get a plan and stick to it.

 

 

Thanks again everyone for the advice.

Edited December 4, 2016 by alpha99

[TooRational]

Alright, let's look at it from a different angle. You said that you wanted to be more confident, stronger, etc. Reread some of your posts. Does that sound like a strong, confident man? What do you think your ex would think if she read those posts? Would she appreciate the fact that you're obsessing over her to such a large extent? All for a woman who couldn't even say I love you after a year?

 

Sorry to be blunt but from your posts, you sound needy and desperate. You gotta take her down that pedestal. Maybe we're all wrong and that website is right but so far it hasn't worked for you. I highly doubt that the solution is to overanalyze everything trying to see where you didn't follow that website advice to a T. It's not an exact science.

 

She needs a break. Honestly you sound like you need a break too. Going NC is probably the best thing you can do right now. Until January doesn't seem like enough, more like the bare minimum.

 

Good luck

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh, dear.

 

OP, please, do not send her a photo album. Do not send her a letter. You will completely embarrass yourself.

 

I know you are desperate and grasping at straw but you really need to stop this. I feel for you, as most of us have at some point been in so much pain as to refuse to listen what our ex's are all but begging us to do - which is to let go. You are very rapidly reaching the point of obsession and you're attempting to rationalize it by following the advice of some random website with a list of "rules" to win your ex back. But what that website isn't taking into account is the greater power of free will. She is exercising that by ending the relationship and reiterating that she does not want more than friendship. She is repeating herself with you and obviously is already becoming frustrated that you're not listening - hence why she didn't answer your call.

 

You are demonstrating that you have no confidence or respect for her boundary. You are showing her that nothing has changed and you're getting very needy and clingy. Not good. Essentially, you are killing any remaining attraction that might exist.

 

Delete What's App and deactivate Facebook if you must. Do what you have to do to stop tormenting yourself. I know you are in a ton of pain, but this is getting out of hand.

[Sweetfish]

She replied saying she felt it would be too hard for me going from what we had to just being friends. I had said I meant friends in terms of seeing each other on a regular basis, not just saying we're friends and hardly ever seeing each other, so being around each other, doing something once a week or so, and seeing what happens. If either of us met someone else then we'd take a step back from the friendship.

 

This is your nail on your very own coffin.

 

She did also say that she knows what I want, and that it's hard for her to see me upset, and that maybe we need to do what I'd suggested initially, i.e. see each other here and there, once or twice, and then catch up in January and see if we can reconnect then if we're both single.

 

This looks like she is hunting for feelings. To build attraction from this point.. is going to take a lot and it wont be easy.

 

Maybe a bit quickly, I feel my emotions take over me sometimes even when most of the time I can manage them, but I tried to call today and she didn't answer. It was quite early morning. So instead of calling and texting relentlessly, I just texted to say I wanted to ask her something and maybe I'd call later. I haven't. I'm not going to.

 

women have a keen sense to detecting fear and insecurity. So if you feel it.. she feels it twice as much.

 

What I'm going to do is essentially go no contact. If she gets back in the meantime, either this week coming or beyond, then I'll deal with that, but as it stands I think I'm going to go into no contact mode throughout the Christmas period and then see where we stand come January

 

This is a double edge sword. January is just before FEBRUARY.

 

The difficulty is that although most of the internet proposes no contact to heal yourself and give your ex the chance to miss you, and you have advised that here, the website that I've followed and used that appears to me to make the most sense over all this stuff, does say that actively trying to reattract your ex is far better than hanging around ignoring her whilst she just moves on.

 

If she truly values you... she will come back to you with NC. Who wants half @#! LOVE. You might get back in the game, but how long you gonna be on eggshells?

 

My suggestion is just be your self.. You made contact and she knows the door is open. Let her come to you. thats all you can do.

 

I feel like your setting your self to get hurt again.

[alpha99]

Well, once more with feeling.

 

I had an urge today to do a final call to state my feelings before letting go to some degree. I knew beforehand what may well happen but I wanted to put things in the strongest terms possible knowing I'd given it my all.

 

It was the first time ever we really came close to arguing, we got to the brink, but then I pulled back.

 

Long story short, the only issue between us is she doesn't feel in love with me. We talked and talked but that didnt change. It seems all other issues could be overcome.

 

Ultimately she suggested a complete break for a bit. So bar saying hello at Christmas we're not going to speak or see each other until Jan 15th.

 

She is honest in saying that she may not feel any different then but it will be long enough to know if she does miss me and wants to try things again. At that point we plan to met up as friends and find out how we feel about each other.

 

Perfect really. This is the kind of no contact I have to follow. We talked about how we're free to meet others, we talked openly about dating others and online activities, and she said she'd be big enough to say she was wrong if she felt she was.

 

She felt like we haven't really broken up because we've been in such regular contact. She's said so far she's been surprised that she hasn't missed me, but again alludes to work and our regular contact as to why that may well have been the case

 

I'm sure she will begin to miss me as the lack of contact kicks in. I have to be strong to get through this. I plan to live life to the full. I may meet someone else. She may do. At this point I do hope time apart helps her to miss me, gives me time to sort my issues in life out, become a better person and then reattract her.

 

It was sad to say goodbye for a while but now I feel quite calm. I feel like it's finally out of my hands for a while and what will be will be.

[No_Go]

I think you have had a chance but annoyed her too much with the constant calls etc. The 'no love' is a great excuse for women/men that want out of a RL. I'm betting money that if the divorce was finalized, things would have developed differently. The divorce, kids etc were just too much for her - due to her age, she's actually REALLY in a rush if she wants her own family, and seems like she does... That's why she's letting you go. Shew doens't have the time to wait for you

[ExpatInItaly]

See, I disagree with the idea that the divorce being finalized would change something significant here.

 

I think she really and truly doesn't feel the right spark with OP; if she did, she likely would have cited the divorce/custody situation as being the primary reasons for ending it. But she has told him repeatedly that she is not in love with him. OP, you need to believe her when she tells you this.

 

She is fed up; that much we can all agree on, I feel. Don't contact her again, OP. Not on January 15, not on January 30th, not for a long time. She knows where to find out if she wants to talk to you. If she doesn't come looking, then you have no choice but to accept that it is really over.

[alpha99]

I'm on my mobile here so will keep it short.

 

Basically I feel I've turned a corner. There's been false dawns before but this time, after last night's conversation, I do more at peace.

 

Sure, there's sadness there, I've been thinking about her, but tonight with my kids for the first time in a month I've felt myself.

 

I know the next week's will be hard but tonight there's been no checking social media, no checking dating sites to see if she's been online.

 

Our conversation last night showed she doesn't want to be with me. Some time apart might change that, and I'll expand upon what she said when I'm back on my laptop, but the likelihood is that she's gone.

 

I am going no ckntact, will see if she texts at Christmas as she said she would whether or not I reply, and I'll also see how I feel about contacting her as agreed.

 

I've realised I'm responsible for my own happiness. I'm going to take some time for myself, improve myself for myself, and what will be will be.

 

Yes, I do love her, I can't turn that off, but I can turn off the desperation that has led me to the brink. No more!!!

[Sweetfish]

OP. I think I know where you getting your online advice from and to a degree it does work, but at the end of the day they or he is simply in it for the money. The site is a 30day 60day plan and by injecting things like I'm only here just to help and not take your money and by providing lots of free content they take your money... it's a blog with the options of donations per se. I'm not saying you paid either.

 

 

Your ex is not going to get those feelings again and their is only two way she will have those feelings. One your dating someone else and two the other guys she gets with suck.

 

You lingering around will not and cannot impose a feeling of loss. It's like when a relative you don't see often dies and now you truly feel loss. That is the human brain. Like when you had a toy when you were a child and take notice only when another child picks up that toy.

 

You cannot invoke the spark again because the human brain will not allow it so easily. Unless she logically realize to value unconditional love vs butterfly love ehich takes a long time to understand. It will not happen.

 

What you need to also realize is this is where your real no contact really begins. The other NC was not the REAL NO CONTACT.

 

The events you imposed recently shows her how much you love her and maybe on a different level than before and now is when you pull the plug absolutely to evoke a loss or death.

 

This is the only way. This is my opinion.

[TooRational]

You seem to have the right frame of mind, that's great. While you're at it, I strongly suggest removing the temptation to check social media and dating sites. That means unfriend her from Facebook (you can always add her later if things rekindle) and just delete the dating app. You can use another one if you wanna date later. And that's not being rude to unfriend her from Facebook BTW. It's just you doing what you already told her: you can't be "just" friend with her.

 

Love is not rational and I understand that you still love her. To some extent I still love my ex. But the more time passes, the more I'm convincing myself that I deserve someone who will love me as much as I love them. This wasn't the case in my previous relationship and it obviously wasn't the case in yours. We both deserve better. We have to take our ex's down from their pedestal. It's not healthy to be so infatuated with someone who doesn't love us back.

 

Good luck.

[alpha99]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

I thought I'd written this already but I guess not. We had a two hour conversation the other day, the result being I reached a point where I know I have to change what I've been doing.

 

Yes, I have been needy, desperate, clingy, lacking confidence, and basically looking foolish. I have been aware of all of this, and have expressed it to her. She is incredibly patient but everyone has their limits.

 

Anyway, basically the call went like this, I rang up and tried to be more assertive about what I wanted, she didn't reconsider, but then the call took a more conciliatory tone in the latter part.

 

She did say that it doesn't feel like we have split up. She said that because she's been busy with work and we've been in regular contact it feels like we need some proper space.

 

I could write all night about what was said but the end result basically was that she feels we need some time apart. I know a lot of women play games, say nonsense when splitting, but I do believe that she is the rare kind who actually just says what she's really feeling.

 

So she said this: That she doesn't feel there is more than friendship. All problems about houses, chlidren, childcare etc could be overcome if she felt differently, but she doesn't now. She was good enough to say that things could change in the future, not in the sense of leaving me hanging on, but just that it is a possibility. She did say that some time away without any real contact would be a good thing, she said that she 'needs to know for herself' whether time away would change things. If they did she said she'd get in touch.

 

So we agreed she'd contact me at Christmas to wish me all the best, and if things don't change dramatically, we'd meet up 15th Jan and have a chat and see how we feel. She said that should be ample time to find out whether or not she's happy with the decision she made.

 

She said not to hang on, she said don't sit around counting the days off, go out and meet other people, she did say she thinks the chances of her meeting someone before then would be pretty slim. She said she couldn't promise more than friendship. If that's all that's offered at that point I don't want it. I explain why to her, which she understood. She is honest enough to say that she doesn't know whether things will change, and it will be interesting to see if time apart makes her miss me.

 

So there we go, at this point, as I said in my last message, I have to go no contact. This time I have done it in the proper way.

 

I have not looked to see if she's been online since we last spoke on Monday. No checking Facebook, Whatsapp, dating site, anything else. Already after a few days I feel an awful lot better. I do want her back but I can see how completely cutting her out of my life for now is the way to go.

 

I'll have to decide what to do should she contact me at Christmas. I don't want to be rude but I don't want to open a can of worms over the Christmas period, even if by that I mean just myself moping about.

 

One thing from the net I have been doing is upping my Facebook output. I've been busy doing a lot of things and so have started taking pictures and posting them online. We are still Facebook friends and so she will start to see what she's missing out on as I do a lot of social activities.

 

I already sense a shift in my mentality. I still believe we will be together at some point in the future but I'm not hooked on the idea like I was up until Monday. Anyone who follows this thread and is going through something similar, you will feel so much better once you begin proper no contact. It is hard but you have to get yourself feeling better before you would even have a remote chance of winning your ex back. I have no idea at this point whether by the time we meet next either of us will have met someone else. I am open to the idea of meeting someone else.

 

There's so much more I could write but I think that will do for now.

 

I'm not going to send photos, flowers, letters etc. I am going to go NC and see how I feel come mid Jan and whether I bother contacting her at all or whether I just get on with my life and see if she contacts me should she start to miss me or have a change of heart. Time will tell.

 

So today is day three of no contact. It will be five weeks from Saturday until we potentially see each other again. I'm thinking of how much I will grow and change in that time and I'm excited by the prospect of it all.

[alpha99]

Four days of no contact. In that time I haven't checked to see whether she's online, on whatsapp, facebook, dating site, whatever.

 

I very quickly have started to feel better. Let's hope it carries on. I would love her back, think about her often, read info online about how to handle no contact and reconcile etc, but the desperation seems to have gone.

 

I feel when we meet next she is going to see me as I was when we met. Thinking about it on my drive home from work today, in about a six week period when I started to socialise after my marriage ended, I had six girls interested in me in about a six week period. I must have been showing a positive side of myself. In recent times I guess I've shown anything but.

 

Tonight I'm going out with a friend for drinks. Since our split I've lost weight, socialised, visited the cinema, the gym regularly, and made plans to do new things such as go to parties, Christmas plans with friends etc, as well as get on with people in my new job, which is going really well.

 

I would like her back but I know now if I continue down this path then the next time we meet, assuming we're both still single, I won't be coming from a place of putting on a front that falls apart as soon as she hints at not wanting to be together, but rather I'll be coming from a place of being self assured and confident, knowing that if we don't get back together it's not the end of the world. I can feel that in just four days. I can only imagine how good I'll feel come mid Jan.

 

I've written before, I get the feeling she hasn't had the chance to miss me. She may well be enjoying her new found freedom, but knowing her as I do, she will probably get lonely quite quickly as she finds herself home alone a lot of the time having to do work. I believe she will be in contact with me sometime before Christmas, and if I play things right then, i.e. not jump for joy and overdo things should she contact me, then it will instill some loss and fear into her that I've moved on, and the balance of power if you will will have moved back in my direction. I don't want to play games etc, it's just that by being needy, weak, insecure etc, she probably feels, and in fact it came through in what she said over Christmas, that she would text me and I'd probably call her straight back, that she has me on a piece of string should she ever want me back. Well no more! If she does indeed want to give things another go, I won't be falling into the trap of just caving in to whatever she wants, she will have to work for me!

[Sweetfish]

Four days of no contact. In that time I haven't checked to see whether she's online, on whatsapp, facebook, dating site, whatever.

 

I very quickly have started to feel better. Let's hope it carries on. I would love her back, think about her often, read info online about how to handle no contact and reconcile etc, but the desperation seems to have gone.

 

I feel when we meet next she is going to see me as I was when we met. Thinking about it on my drive home from work today, in about a six week period when I started to socialise after my marriage ended, I had six girls interested in me in about a six week period. I must have been showing a positive side of myself. In recent times I guess I've shown anything but.

 

Tonight I'm going out with a friend for drinks. Since our split I've lost weight, socialised, visited the cinema, the gym regularly, and made plans to do new things such as go to parties, Christmas plans with friends etc, as well as get on with people in my new job, which is going really well.

 

I would like her back but I know now if I continue down this path then the next time we meet, assuming we're both still single, I won't be coming from a place of putting on a front that falls apart as soon as she hints at not wanting to be together, but rather I'll be coming from a place of being self assured and confident, knowing that if we don't get back together it's not the end of the world. I can feel that in just four days. I can only imagine how good I'll feel come mid Jan.

 

I've written before, I get the feeling she hasn't had the chance to miss me. She may well be enjoying her new found freedom, but knowing her as I do, she will probably get lonely quite quickly as she finds herself home alone a lot of the time having to do work. I believe she will be in contact with me sometime before Christmas, and if I play things right then, i.e. not jump for joy and overdo things should she contact me, then it will instill some loss and fear into her that I've moved on, and the balance of power if you will will have moved back in my direction. I don't want to play games etc, it's just that by being needy, weak, insecure etc, she probably feels, and in fact it came through in what she said over Christmas, that she would text me and I'd probably call her straight back, that she has me on a piece of string should she ever want me back. Well no more! If she does indeed want to give things another go, I won't be falling into the trap of just caving in to whatever she wants, she will have to work for me!

 

 

The only way you can get back to who you were originally is to do no contact

 

You guys are done.

 

This is the only way the brain can stop producing the chemicals that are at the moment making you insecure.

 

Think about it? The way you are acting now, were you this guy when you meet her? So first you need to get back to being that guy and it wont happen in a couple weeks. The chemicals being produced in your body wont allow it. Not now.

[BC1980]

The way you conduct yourself after a breakup leaves an impression. Doing NC from the start would have been your best bet. It's almost impossible to do though. Most people can't do it but realize later that they should have. I think she simply isn't in love with you. Neither of you can control that though.

[alpha99]

Thanks as ever for your comments.

 

Yes, I want her back - but yes, I have realised that what I've been doing hasn't been working. With hindsight I probably should have just accepted the breakup and gone no contact immediately.

 

I listened back to part of our last call the other day. She said something along the lines of this:

 

"I need to be with the right person, and to know it's the right person. And yeah, it may well be that we have some time apart, and I get to thinking about things, I start to miss you, and I just think, yeah, you know what, maybe I should give things another go. I'm not saying it will happen, but yeah it could happen, it could happen, and if it did I'd get back in touch with you and we'd sort something out, if you were still available, but I don't want to give you false hope, I don't want you to think that in a few months I'll change my mind, but yeah it could happen."

 

This is pretty much what she said from memory. It may sound like I'm a back up or plan B, whatever. I do think however she is a rare breed of person who largely cuts through the cliches and just says what she feels. If that's the case then the above is at least an indication that it's on her mind things may change.

 

Now, do I hold out waiting for that day? Of course not. I would like it to happen though. I've been reading a lot about the dumper psychology and as much as we are all individuals she does seem to be following the well trodden path of feelings post split, as no doubt I have. She has expressed that she has felt both relief and guilt. I was surprised when I read that in the first few weeks post split this is exactly what she would be feeling - and not feelings of missing me. Although not an exact science I read that it's six to eight weeks later without contact from me when the feelings of loss will hit home for her that I'm not a part of her life anymore, providing I give her space and don't pursue. Well, that's what I'm going to do. No, not live in a cave passing the days, but just get on with my life the best I can, with all the slips ups that will undoubtedly come, and soon that time will pass and we'll see where we are.

 

She said as much herself when she said something along the lines of "I think we need a break, we need some proper space, you don't know where you'll be in Jan, I don't know where I'll be in Jan, we can meet up, have a chat, discuss things, and just see..." She went on to repeat other similar things. As I've said before, I can see my presence on the phone etc has meant she hasn't had the chance to miss me because I've always been there. I do believe that once she has the chance to miss me, she will reach out, she has hinted as much herself. Yes, some people split and never miss their ex, but we had such a great time together that I'm sure she will at some point soon if I'm not around.

 

I guess the important part is what I do in the meantime to better myself, and how I deal with her if and when she does get back in touch.

[Apricotjelly90]

My ex also broke it off for similar reasons (lack of feelings) and I also thought I'd be able to re attract him after 21 days NC. I did similar mistakes to those you've made (Pursuing, chasing, not leaving room to miss) and now I am doing Low contact, meaning I dont reach out to him but if he reaches out (which is often) I reply and we chat. You seemed to be in favour of low contact, as it's useful for actively attracting someone. Do you think by keeping in touch with him I am ruining my chances for him to miss me? But then how will they know we are actually improving?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I agree that the best move for you right now would be to work on improving yourself, re-investing energy in your hobbies, your children and so on.

 

You obviously put forth a lot of effort in trying to woo her back, but you can see now that it just isn't working. I sense more acceptance from you now, which is a good thing. It allows you to slowly let go of the anxiety you feel about her; you did what you could and what you felt was right. There's nothing more to do but release your grip and let the chips fall where they may. Don't think about what might or might not happen at Christmas, January 15, March 23rd or any other specific day. Take this one day at a time now.

 

When you have the urge to call her or text her, come and write here instead. We can be a tough crowd, but we also have felt the way you feel now, to one extent or another. It helps to just get it out and know that someone is reading and hearing you.

[BC1980]

"I need to be with the right person, and to know it's the right person. And yeah, it may well be that we have some time apart, and I get to thinking about things, I start to miss you, and I just think, yeah, you know what, maybe I should give things another go. I'm not saying it will happen, but yeah it could happen, it could happen, and if it did I'd get back in touch with you and we'd sort something out, if you were still available, but I don't want to give you false hope, I don't want you to think that in a few months I'll change my mind, but yeah it could happen."

 

That sounds almost verbatim to what my last ex told me several months after we broke up. That conversation convinced me to go NC. I've seen versions of that conversation on LS. It never ends well for the person who is on hold. Because you can't help but be on hold unless you make the decision to walk away. Because she won't make that decision. She will keep you at arm's length, in some way, for as long as she pleases. It's going to be up to you to walk away.