Childhood school friend...

[pooldog]

It's risky for you. It feels fun and like an opportunity but they don't usually leave a wife and kids or really want a divorce. If I had it to do over I would have acknowledged the attraction and said after your divorce and I would have kept dating.

 

And he is only able to see you a few times a year.

 

My advice?date for a better deal.

 

xxoo I get it. But you are talking like a married woman with kids... I am on the outside. I am usually a thoughtful person, but... it's the nature of human beings to be a little selfish. Honestly I don't think I'll be able to resist if he contacts me. And in a way, for the first time, I confess I don't care about his wife or kids. I do feel guilty about it but that's how I really feel if I'm honest.

 

Also... It's not beautiful, but... Don't these things happen? Hence the need for this forum...

[ShatteredLady]

2092 posts. I don't think it's probable that you've replied to every single post you've read so let's just guess how many you've been through....a few thousand at least.

 

I hope that what you were really looking for was some kind of intellectual discussion on WHY? Why now do you have there feelings after reading so many posts that say it's disastrous, painful, cruel, whatever?

 

Do what you want to do. Have fun. Have something to write about for a year.

 

I'm one of those people who are background noise anyway so what does it matter what I say? My only sibling, my beloved big brother killed himself as a result of adultery (please don't bother writing about his (must have) mental disorders or whatever.ive heard it all.)

 

You either care or you don't!

 

After ALL of those posts you still wrote here.

 

Yes! It's strange the power that sexual attraction in our formative years holds over us.

 

When we were young teens we created "The perfect man" out of the seniors. I met "The Body" years later. He tried it on hard! Inside I was laughing so much. You see, we were all executives or very successful in our fields. He was the body guard assigned to us in a club.....hahaha.

 

Maybe if I'd met "The Brain" I would of felt differently at that time in my life.

 

Please. Just follow 1 rule. Don't let another woman's man f**k you! Why would you?

[minimariah]

Why is it so hard for certain people to get it?

 

dunno. i think i was ON topic & commented your feelings; i offered you an explanation on the drastic change in your opinion of the A and cheating in general (because i've been there) but you misunderstood it.

 

it's always like that though; and it's logical - you forget about his married status and the kids because the attraction comes 1st. it's you & him right now... that's what you're focused on. so it's logical that you don't really feel a thing for that other stuff and other people - you start to think about it more when you're FACED with it... usually, after the A and when you gotta deal with being a stepmom to the kids and being cordial to the wife or seeing her often (in case he divorces). that's when the guilt kicks in - ESPECIALLY if the kids & the wife cope badly. not even the guilt but more seeing the damages of the A & the consequences - only then you think: oh... well, we could have dealt with this in a better way!

[dubliner]

OP, I think the reason you're finding your feelings towards an A are different with this MM is because of the way we process.

This man is someone from your past, he's familiar, safe, and having been your crush he's also already in your mind as a thing of beauty albeit a fantasy. He doesn't fit the criteria for a cheating scheming MM because he's sat up there on a pedestal above all of them.

I also feel you are deffering your responsibility, by saying you are not responsible if this man cheats on his W you are making the damage his responsibility, this allows you to enter into something you know is wrong without guilt.

 

I have been at a similar crossroads at one point, in deciding whether or not to act on my selfish impulse and take my EA to a physical one. He's a person from my past, one I could never resist, I'm single, I'd be happy with sex and no commitment, go with the flow, very simple... Except I'm not simple, I'm an intelligent person, I have chemicals coursing through me like everyone else. Here are pages upon pages of pain from others who started out with, 'just one business trip' 'just one night together' 'just sex' and ended up a train wreck...that is why they are saying run, because we all think we are special, stronger, more in control.. I personally chose to use that strength to enforce boundaries, go against everything my mind and body was willing me to do, it's not the easy way, it takes effort and discipline, but I'm in a better place for it.

[Darren Steez]

xxoo I get it. But you are talking like a married woman with kids... I am on the outside. I am usually a thoughtful person, but... it's the nature of human beings to be a little selfish. Honestly I don't think I'll be able to resist if he contacts me. And in a way, for the first time, I confess I don't care about his wife or kids. I do feel guilty about it but that's how I really feel if I'm honest.

 

Also... It's not beautiful, but... Don't these things happen? Hence the need for this forum...

 

Wow. Scary. Truly scary. What hope for humanity in this day and age?

 

Sigh.

[sandylee1]

I'm truly perplexed by this thread.

You seem to want support to embark on an affair with no care or concern for those you're going to hurt in the process.

 

Many years ago, I had a very strong attraction to an engaged guy at work and I could very easily have slept with him.... but I wasn't out for a cheap thrill. I was in my early twenties and truthfully his fiancée didn't necessarily come into my mind, but I knew that I wasn't going to be a girl he could sleep with and still be with her.

 

I only wanted him for a relationship, not quick NSA sex.

 

He was a stand up guy. He got me on my own and said he was very much attracted to me and if he wasn't engaged, he'd want to be with me, but I deserved more than he could give and gave me a big tight hug.

 

We both knew we liked each other, the chemistry was there without a doubt. We'd flirted and had banter little in the company of other colleagues, but that was it. Everyone knew he was engaged and I wasn't about to insert myself in his relationship, despite how hot he was.

 

I had a lot of respect for him after that.

 

Step back from this or you'll get heartbroken.

[anika99]

Well if you don't care about his wife and children at least care about yourself. Getting involved with a MM is self destructive. At first it feels exciting and ego boosting but then it slowly erodes your self esteem, your self confidence, your morals, your ability to trust. If you don't care about damaging his wife, do you care about damaging yourself?

 

The fact that you had a crush on this guy decades ago when you were still a child means absolutely nothing. It doesn't mean an affair with him was fated by the universe, or that you two share a special connection or any other romantic nonsense you might be telling yourself. Stop looking at him as your childhood crush and regard him as you would any other married man who is looking to cheat.

 

I don't care if you don't care about his wife, most OW don't feel bad for the wife because they need to rationalize the affair. Instead think about what you are planning to do to yourself. You're already fantasizing about this guys possible divorce so there is no doubt that should you follow through on this attraction you will become emotionally involved and when that happens you will find yourself accepting a role that should be beneath you. Do you really want to share a penis? I know it sounds crude but when you're having sexual fantasies about this guy remember that everything you want him to do to you he is already doing to his wife. Do you really want his penis inside of you knowing that his penis was recently in his wife? Do you really want to fondle and kiss a penis that routinely spends time in his wife's vagina? Blech!

 

Shame you haven't read this board before. If you did you would see that most affairs start and end much the same and the end leaves the OW in tatters. More importantly you would know how sly and conniving these cheating men are. If you call this guy up and ask him the state of his marriage I predict that he will tell you his marriage is finished and he's only staying for the kids. He will tell you that he and his wife never have sex and they just live as roommates but he can't bear the thought of not seeing the precious faces of his children everyday. or he will tell you he can't afford to divorce or his wife will kill herself if he leaves. Basically he will just read your reactions and tell you whatever he thinks will do the trick to make you lower your standards. Doesn't sound like he's going to have try very hard for you though because you're already thinking of dropping your pants for this guy. You're already planning to be this guys easy lay on the side. No wonder you don't care about his wife. How can you when you have such low standards and don't care about yourself?

[xxoo]

edgygirl, maybe you feel you have some "claim" since you knew him first?

 

The old flame rekindled by Facebook or class reunion, is a cliche. People we met when we were young and idealistic can evoke that feeling in ourselves.

 

I'm sure he knows that, and is more than willing to use that feeling to have sex with you. It could be fun, but is it worth being an ego feed to a man married to another woman?

 

And maybe more importantly: is it worth having to potentially explain to "Mr. Right" when he comes along?

[sophinla]

This one is easy. An old crush living in another country that can't resist his charm, I think this is the dream scenario of all serial cheating MMs. Eager lover and free hot sex in a distant land, and when all is done, poof he's gone and you can't touch him or his family.

 

You want to know what he's thinking? This may sound harsh but it may wake you up from your little fantasy. I have a MM friend that goes back to his native country every year and pay for prostitutes, at least these girls are getting paid.

[Weezy1973]

I need to understand my feelings, that's all. Why is it so hard for certain people to get it?

 

OP, I think you're trying to understand why you are now attracted to a married man who is looking to cheat on his wife, whereas previously the thought of infidelity was disgusting to you. Is that right?

 

If so, I suspect you're doing what is called compartmentalization. Compartmentalizing is a complex defense mechanism that is often used by people who had a less than ideal childhood. Sometimes this can take the form of sever trauma (like sexual abuse) and sometimes it is just having a narcissistic parent (generally the mother) where the child's needs are neglected and the child's feelings aren't acknowledged. This causes the child to feel unworthy of love and creates a core shame which remains into adulthood.

 

As an adult, that core shame is to be avoided at all costs (as it is too painful) so defense mechanisms are erected. Yet, because those needs weren't catered to as a child, all that person is now concerned with is having their needs met. So all that matters to that person is the particular feeling that they are experiencing in any given moment (like attraction for example). They don't want to be constrained by anything like societal and cultural norms, the opinions of others, caring about the feelings of others, or even their own values and morals. All they want is to act on their feelings.

 

Compartmentalization "allows" people to act on their feelings without concerns about their own values and morals. In one situation they can have certain values (ex. disgust about someone being unfaithful; hurt about being cheated on etc.), but given another situation they can have other values (ex. wanting to have an affair with a married man). As long as these compartments are kept separate, the person never has to feel bad about themselves for behaving in a way that stepped outside of their own value system.

 

This of course is not the way emotionally healthy adults operate. Most people are genuinely concerned about other people's feelings and try to live a life consistent with their own values and morals. When they do hurt someone they feel bad, and this helps them learn and grow and generally they will try not to do the same thing again. Sometimes they will do something that steps outside their own values and morals, and again, this will help them learn and grow and they will try not to do the same thing again.

 

Most of this growth happens in one's late teens and twenties and as we discover more about who we are we begin more and more to live a life that reflects our values and morals and when realize this fully, it's called living a whole, authentic life. As long as one compartmentalizes, they cannot be authentic.

 

Something to remember in order to live an authentic life: thoughts and feeling don't matter. Actions do. You are your actions. Not to say good people don't make mistakes; they do. But good people feel genuine remorse when they do something that can hurt others. Do you?

[Lobe]

But in this specific case, for some reason, I don't feel this way.

 

You're delusional. That is all.

 

People can get bored of their partners or realize they chose wrongly when they were young.

 

And that's why they get divorced instead of starting affairs.

 

Look, I'm going to be perfectly honest with you. You probably looked like a dog in heat, batting your eyelashes and oozing "come f*ck me" all night. Happy or unhappy in his marriage, you advertised yourself as a walking, willing, welcoming, wet landing pad for his wayward penis. Don't romanticize it - if he comes a-calling it isn't because he's always had a crush on you too, it's because you're a cheap easy hook-up on a business trip. You really want to get used and discarded? Knock yourself out. But don't kid yourself. May the disillusionment faery hit you with a reality check before you do something regrettable. Have some self-respect.