I have a crush on this guy, and I hate it.

[AMJ]

The thing is, I don't even feel much like trying anymore. I'm kind of over this one...and seeing immaturity that I didn't see before. I think that's one reason I've not really put effort into talking to him lately. But my mind could change again in a few days. I'm fickle sometimes...

[Mystique01]

I've mostly- but not entirely- been ignoring YGG. And he does not like being ignored. I'm not proud to admit but we've kind of regressed into juvenile territory. If I'm a little cold to him, he's cold to me. He even takes it out on me in the class by being harsh, and never used to act like that. And definitely doesn't treat anyone else like that. But when I DO talk to him, he lights up, moves in closer, and acts like I just made his day by talking to him. He mirrors my actions almost perfectly, and I have to give that much to him- I've not known many people to be as perceptive to other's emotions. Honestly it feels like he understands my moods better than most men I've dated.

 

He's consistent with how he speaks to everyone else in the class, except me. With me, he's happy, talkative, flirty, friendly basically only when I give him the green light by being warm to him. Sometimes he'll walk over to me and stand there, waiting for me to talk to him and I don't. Why am I doing this? It's kind of instinctual. I mean he was $%&king with me for awhile, so I guess now I feel like that's what he gets in return. Like I said, it's juvenile.

 

And it's also less fun.

 

Oh yeah...been there, done that with that guy who ended up being a player from my past.

 

A "player" is not just about sex you know. Again, I'm not saying that THIS particular guy is a player, but trust and believe me that some guys just like the ATTENTION.

 

Right now I think the only thing hurt is his ego. I had a guy who would get downright JEALOUS and moody if he saw me talking to another guy, or if another guy was flirting with me. Ask me though if he ever asked me out on a proper date or made moves to date me and start a real relationship with me. NOPE!!!! Again, it was all just a mind game. Maybe not even consciously. He was attracted to me (sure), but he wasn't interested enough to want to start a RELATIONSHIP with me. THAT'S the point I'm trying to make.

 

I think this is the same case with your YGG. I don't think anyone is doubting that he's attracted to you. But what I'm saying is that attraction =/= the desire to date you or even genuine interest for that matter.

 

It's sad, but it's true. Men operate a little differently from women.

 

 

 

 

I think you're either into or on the verge of the impossible zone now Am, where the precedent pretty much establishes the future bc it's well established and it's the only thing there is. Your relationship w this guy, such as it is, pretty much is this push and pull dynamic where nothing ever happens and the boundaries are always rigidly observed.

 

I wouldn't look for it to change at this point unless one of you do sth relatively 'crazy.'

 

I completely agree. I'm getting this same impression.

 

 

Either way, I'm hoping the OP has moved on completely and is opening up herself for better men who want to date her.

[AMJ]

Mystique posts always make me smile

 

I'm pretty much over it, mostly. At least this week I'm over it, lol.

 

I agree it's clear he likes attention...how lame. So so disappointing. I can't even think of why I'd play games to rile someone up just for attention and no follow through...for me the follow through is the best part.

 

I've always been open to and have been dating other guys...I just seem to find crazy ones. Most recently a guy who believes in UFO conspiracy theories (nope, not motorcycle accident guy).

[Mystique01]

Mystique posts always make me smile

 

I'm pretty much over it, mostly. At least this week I'm over it, lol.

 

I agree it's clear he likes attention...how lame. So so disappointing. I can't even think of why I'd play games to rile someone up just for attention and no follow through...for me the follow through is the best part.

 

I've always been open to and have been dating other guys...I just seem to find crazy ones. Most recently a guy who believes in UFO conspiracy theories (nope, not motorcycle accident guy).

 

Well that's good. As long as you're over it then I'm glad! Because I think this guy is just going to be a big time waster honestly. At least, that's the impression I've been getting all this time.

 

Continue dating other guys closer to your age, and enjoying the company of men who are really into you. Even if they are weird or you aren't as into them as they are into you, at least you will be able to find more of a fulfilling time out being with someone who's actually INTERESTED in you, and is making moves to be with you.

 

Trying to get the attention of a guy who's either not interested, or interested and playing mind games just sucks and drains your self-esteem. Not only that but it kind of makes you doubt yourself and your desirability after a while. Like I said....time wasters....

 

Good for you for moving on.

[AMJ]

Only me and this other lady took his class today. He looks really sad and serious in the beginning and tells us, "I have some news." This is his last week, next saturday is his last class. I knew all along he wasn't completely happy working there. Mostly it has to do with the gym manager, who even I think is a complete jerk and I'm just a member. He reminded me that I can always visit him next door at his second job.

 

I told him we should throw a party for his last class (he's been teaching it for 4 years) where we do shots after each rotation, it's a circuit class. He laughed and loved that idea. He's not moving to a different gym (like I've said the other gyms here are crap) but taking a job in sales. I told him he'll do well in sales because he's good with people and genuine. He got a little bashful when I said that.

 

So, I am sad. I really liked his class.

 

I guess if there is an upside, it's that there's no work related barriers to us hooking up, if that is still in the cards? lol. I have to be too old to have a bartender crush right?

[AMJ]

You know that feeling when you quit a job that made you miserable? How your last few days you just dial it in and DGAF about anything? Yeah, that's him right now. Now I can see that he was pretty stressed out most of the time. I knew he had issues with his manager but now it's all making more sense.

 

IDK what will happen, I am still attracted and interested but not as much as I was a few weeks ago.

[Mystique01]

Wow!!!! This new news actually works in your favor AMJ!!!!

 

 

NOW he can fully pursue you without any "hinderance". There won't be a "client"/"teacher" barrier anymore.

 

As a last ditch effort, if you're feeling up to it, I say you ask for his number to keep in touch. Honestly, I think he would have already asked for your number by now since he knows he's on his way out anyway, but who knows....maybe he's waiting until his absolute LAST day lol.

 

But yeah, I mean if you really sense a mutual attraction, then I say take the bull by the horns now and see what happens. He's no longer tied to the job, and you already offered the "last day party" in his honor. Why not get his number? It sounds like he liked the shots idea.

[AMJ]

SO, tonight it was just him and I alone in his class, no one else showed up. We talked and laughed the entire time. It was more enjoyable, and a better conversation, than any date I've had in, sadly a long time. And it felt more like a date than any date I've had in a long time. He invited me to a party at his house this weekend....annnnnd yeah, that's the update!

[jen1447]

He throws parties? What a confusing guy lol - party host and gym class instructor extraordinaire but too scared to ask you out or talk to you at the bar, etc.

[katiegrl]

SO, tonight it was just him and I alone in his class, no one else showed up. We talked and laughed the entire time. It was more enjoyable, and a better conversation, than any date I've had in, sadly a long time. And it felt more like a date than any date I've had in a long time. He invited me to a party at his house this weekend....annnnnd yeah, that's the update!

 

I'm thinking now he may play for the other team or leaning in that direction.

 

I know you said he had a previous gf, but that doesn't mean jack ****.

 

I echo what jen said ...... none of this makes any sense whatsoever.

 

I mean you were finally alone together, just the two of you. Finally!!

 

I am glad you had a nice *conversation* and all, but if there were a mutual attraction, after literally months of all this so-called "tension" building ..... guarantee you would have been doing more than conversing! Lol

 

This guy is obviously not shy if he's throwing parties, etc.

 

Something is definitely not jiving here AMJ.

Edited September 15, 2016 by katiegrl

[insert_name]

So much over thinking in this thread, to the point where this poor guy is now obviously gay!

 

Based strictly on what OP has said (and I suspect there is less to it than even that, allowing for a lack of objectivity on OP's part) it seems to me that this guy simply likes OP's company, likes chatting to her etc but is not interested in anything romantic. He has done nothing overt at all to indicate interest apart from perhaps be over-friendly, but even that is really subjective depending on the perception of the person narrating each interaction. For there to be such a history of interactions to mine for signs and for there to ultimately be so little from him to indicate any interest suggests to me that there is nothing in this at all.

 

OP could flat out ask him out, he could turn her down and it would not be a shock and be entirely congruent with what I have read so far of his behaviour, certainly no sign that he is anything ridiculous like a player or stringing OP along. It amazes me that conclusions like this can be drawn when the conversation the whole time has been no more than friendly and never once (that I have seen) escalated into something more intimate than that.

 

I dunno, maybe I have got it all wrong and this guy is inviting OP round to this party so he can propose to her in front of all his friends....but personally I think this is women using their fabled intuition to read cues that, on this occasion, simply aren't there. Sorry OP.

[katiegrl]

I did not say he was gay, I said he *may* be.... that it's possible.... because *something* definitely sounds off.

 

And it would not be all that uncommon if he were.

 

I wouldn't be ruling anything out at this point (including what you just said insert) cuz things are just not adding up to a man who is all that attracted on a romantic/sexual level.

 

Would probably make a nice friend though.

 

JMO.

Edited September 15, 2016 by katiegrl

[AMJ]

I'm probably not doing a great job of giving details like, for example, how he invited me to the party.

 

If he had said, "Hey, we're having a party at my house this weekend, you should come, etc etc" like no big deal, that probably would just be a friendly invite.

 

But what he did instead, was ask me as usual what my plans are this weekend. I said, "oh we might go to this festival but not sure yet..." and then maybe ten minutes later he brings it up again and says "So you're going to XYZ festival?" (Keep in mind, this is in the middle of me sprinting on a treadmill or doing some otherwise grueling exercise that I'm not good at when he distracts me like this, not that I care, but just keep that in mind) I'd forgotten that we just talked about the festival and said "Yeah, well maybe? not really sure yet."

Him, "Okay, well, we're having a party at my house on Saturday, you should come."

 

To me, but I suppose I'm not objective as name just said, the first way of inviting me to a party is like, hey no big deal bc i'm inviting everyone to this party. And the second way was more nervous, he had to work up to it. But then again I'm probably just overthinking everything, right? Not like guys who use PUA tactics....they just naturally concoct these elaborate manipulative strategies on the fly.

 

 

OH and seriously everyone, he is not gay, not possible. My gaydar is infallible. He's a college baseball player type guy.

[Versacehottie]

hmmm, i agree lots of overthinking going on the thread. I just see AMJ telling her detailed story of something that starts slow and giving us lots of the details. If she is patient enough to find out what's going on and enjoy it for what it's worth, then who are we to tell her not to? It's not like she is putting her life on hold or not going out with other guys. Seems harmless, flirty, enjoyable AND could lead to something-something. All good.

 

For what it's worth, I think he could not be in the best place in life to date right now. It DOES happen. That's why he's making an effort to keep you in his life albeit a bit at arm's length (well not with the party update! which absolutely coincides with the end of his job, seems significant enough to me!!). I think his job situation, working two jobs, (not to mention who really knows his other girls situation) coupled with him being younger than AMJ might make him a little slow to move things forward. He might not feel like he has that much to offer or it's not the best time in life so doesn't want to mess up. Also until this week, he may not have wanted to do much in case it didn't work out bc she goes to that gym. Those all seem like the most obvious explanations to me. And for a second what it's worth, I know several successful couples who started out slow and not so obvious--so this makes sense how he is handling it. Have fun at the party!! You ARE going, right?

[katiegrl]

AMJ, when you were alone together, finally........ were you feeling any tension? Sexual tension?

 

When there's a mutual attraction.... the tension is kind of just "there" ....hard to miss really.

 

Or did you really just talk..... what like friends? I am trying to get a picture.

 

I remember when I first met my ex, the attraction and tension between us was so intense, I could barely speak! There was a lot of subtle touching, mirroring.

 

Are you gonna take a date to the party? Or go alone?

 

I hope *something* finally happens at the party!

 

If there is something there, this game has really gone on long enough.

Edited September 16, 2016 by katiegrl

[AMJ]

Versace that's exactly where my head's at! Thank you!

 

And I agree I think part of his hesitation was the awkward job situation, plus he's maybe not in a place in his life for a relationship.

 

YES going to the party, no to bringing a date. Possibly bringing a friend though.

 

katie- yeah I've felt tension all along really. When we were alone though he just seemed more comfortable. Like before he had to act a certain way and now he can relax. We talked like friends plus flirting.

 

Either way I've felt like this is all harmless like Versace said. He is really adorable though <3

[katiegrl]

Versace that's exactly where my head's at! Thank you!

 

And I agree I think part of his hesitation was the awkward job situation, plus he's maybe not in a place in his life for a relationship.

 

YES going to the party, no to bringing a date. Possibly bringing a friend though.

 

katie- yeah I've felt tension all along really. When we were alone though he just seemed more comfortable. Like before he had to act a certain way and now he can relax. We talked like friends plus flirting.

 

Either way I've felt like this is all harmless like Versace said. He is really adorable though <3

 

Ok.

 

Have fun at the party and keep us posted!

[Mystique01]

SO, tonight it was just him and I alone in his class, no one else showed up. We talked and laughed the entire time. It was more enjoyable, and a better conversation, than any date I've had in, sadly a long time. And it felt more like a date than any date I've had in a long time. He invited me to a party at his house this weekend....annnnnd yeah, that's the update!

 

That's GREAT!!!

 

FINALLY! Something is starting to move in SOME direction.

 

 

Definitely go to the party this weekend and let us know how it goes.

 

I definitely wouldn't overthink things too much.

 

 

 

So much over thinking in this thread, to the point where this poor guy is now obviously gay!

 

Based strictly on what OP has said (and I suspect there is less to it than even that, allowing for a lack of objectivity on OP's part) it seems to me that this guy simply likes OP's company, likes chatting to her etc but is not interested in anything romantic. He has done nothing overt at all to indicate interest apart from perhaps be over-friendly, but even that is really subjective depending on the perception of the person narrating each interaction. For there to be such a history of interactions to mine for signs and for there to ultimately be so little from him to indicate any interest suggests to me that there is nothing in this at all.

 

OP could flat out ask him out, he could turn her down and it would not be a shock and be entirely congruent with what I have read so far of his behaviour, certainly no sign that he is anything ridiculous like a player or stringing OP along. It amazes me that conclusions like this can be drawn when the conversation the whole time has been no more than friendly and never once (that I have seen) escalated into something more intimate than that.

 

I dunno, maybe I have got it all wrong and this guy is inviting OP round to this party so he can propose to her in front of all his friends....but personally I think this is women using their fabled intuition to read cues that, on this occasion, simply aren't there. Sorry OP.

 

I've been sensing this from the get-go as well, but I'm not a mind-reader. I'm not there in the OP's shoes. So, while I have been thinking all along that this guy is NOT interested/ready for anything serious/romantic, I will try to back any receptive interest on AMJ's part, as long as she's not the one chasing HIM, or overanalyzing things too much.

 

 

 

 

But what he did instead, was ask me as usual what my plans are this weekend. I said, "oh we might go to this festival but not sure yet..." and then maybe ten minutes later he brings it up again and says "So you're going to XYZ festival?" (Keep in mind, this is in the middle of me sprinting on a treadmill or doing some otherwise grueling exercise that I'm not good at when he distracts me like this, not that I care, but just keep that in mind) I'd forgotten that we just talked about the festival and said "Yeah, well maybe? not really sure yet."

Him, "Okay, well, we're having a party at my house on Saturday, you should come."

 

Hmmm.....who's "we"??

 

 

To me, but I suppose I'm not objective as name just said, the first way of inviting me to a party is like, hey no big deal bc i'm inviting everyone to this party. And the second way was more nervous, he had to work up to it. But then again I'm probably just overthinking everything, right? Not like guys who use PUA tactics....they just naturally concoct these elaborate manipulative strategies on the fly.

 

 

OH and seriously everyone, he is not gay, not possible. My gaydar is infallible. He's a college baseball player type guy.

 

Imo this is way too much overthinking.

 

The guy invited you to a party. I say go, have fun, and see what happens. I think this party will DEFINITELY let you know once and for all whether he's into you or not, because he will be in his OWN element, he won't have the threat of co-workers looking over their shoulders at what he's doing, and since it's a party he will probably be more relaxed and in a good mood.

 

Whatever you do....please don't sleep with him lol.... Let him show you that he's genuinely interested in YOU as a person and wants to date you.

 

 

 

hmmm, i agree lots of overthinking going on the thread. I just see AMJ telling her detailed story of something that starts slow and giving us lots of the details. If she is patient enough to find out what's going on and enjoy it for what it's worth, then who are we to tell her not to? It's not like she is putting her life on hold or not going out with other guys. Seems harmless, flirty, enjoyable AND could lead to something-something. All good.

 

For what it's worth, I think he could not be in the best place in life to date right now. It DOES happen. That's why he's making an effort to keep you in his life albeit a bit at arm's length (well not with the party update! which absolutely coincides with the end of his job, seems significant enough to me!!). I think his job situation, working two jobs, (not to mention who really knows his other girls situation) coupled with him being younger than AMJ might make him a little slow to move things forward. He might not feel like he has that much to offer or it's not the best time in life so doesn't want to mess up. Also until this week, he may not have wanted to do much in case it didn't work out bc she goes to that gym. Those all seem like the most obvious explanations to me. And for a second what it's worth, I know several successful couples who started out slow and not so obvious--so this makes sense how he is handling it. Have fun at the party!! You ARE going, right?

 

Has OP been dating other guys since this Gym guy though??? I didn't get that impression that she's been dating other guys. But I could be wrong.

 

I agree with letting the OP have her "fun", but I just don't want to see OP get hurt.

 

As I've mentioned ad nauseam in this thread, I was in almost the same exact position years ago with a guy friend who was a few years "younger" than me as well.

 

What that experience taught me was that it's not good to assume things. Just because a guy is younger doesn't necessarily mean that he's "shy" and "too scared" to tell you he's interested. I thought the same thing, and ended up getting hurt, played with, and made a huge fool of myself. Not saying the same will happen to OP, but just hoping that this guy is actually interested in her, and not just enjoying the attention of an "older woman".

 

Like I said, this party will tell you a LOT. Who knows....he may have a gf/or bf (who knows these days??) for all we know.

 

I doubt he would be so cruel, but we shall see. OP should definitely go to that party. It might clear up a LOT of things....for bad or for the good!

[insert_name]

That's GREAT!!!

 

FINALLY! Something is starting to move in SOME direction.

 

 

Definitely go to the party this weekend and let us know how it goes.

 

I definitely wouldn't overthink things too much.

 

 

 

 

 

I've been sensing this from the get-go as well, but I'm not a mind-reader. I'm not there in the OP's shoes. So, while I have been thinking all along that this guy is NOT interested/ready for anything serious/romantic, I will try to back any receptive interest on AMJ's part, as long as she's not the one chasing HIM, or overanalyzing things too much.

 

 

 

 

 

Hmmm.....who's "we"??

 

 

 

 

Imo this is way too much overthinking.

 

The guy invited you to a party. I say go, have fun, and see what happens. I think this party will DEFINITELY let you know once and for all whether he's into you or not, because he will be in his OWN element, he won't have the threat of co-workers looking over their shoulders at what he's doing, and since it's a party he will probably be more relaxed and in a good mood.

 

Whatever you do....please don't sleep with him lol.... Let him show you that he's genuinely interested in YOU as a person and wants to date you.

 

 

 

 

 

Has OP been dating other guys since this Gym guy though??? I didn't get that impression that she's been dating other guys. But I could be wrong.

 

I agree with letting the OP have her "fun", but I just don't want to see OP get hurt.

 

As I've mentioned ad nauseam in this thread, I was in almost the same exact position years ago with a guy friend who was a few years "younger" than me as well.

 

What that experience taught me was that it's not good to assume things. Just because a guy is younger doesn't necessarily mean that he's "shy" and "too scared" to tell you he's interested. I thought the same thing, and ended up getting hurt, played with, and made a huge fool of myself. Not saying the same will happen to OP, but just hoping that this guy is actually interested in her, and not just enjoying the attention of an "older woman".

 

Like I said, this party will tell you a LOT. Who knows....he may have a gf/or bf (who knows these days??) for all we know.

 

I doubt he would be so cruel, but we shall see. OP should definitely go to that party. It might clear up a LOT of things....for bad or for the good!

 

It is moving in a more positive direction...but the venue choice is odd to say the least if there still is any chance of him being interested. If I want to date a girl the ideal first date is inviting her to a communal gathering where we can be interrupted from getting to know her better by my friends...NOT!! Once again I am still left thinking this guy sees OP as someone who is great company and will bring some spark to this party. In fact I am pretty confident that the deal her is that that this guy probably has a friend in mind that he wants to set OP up with as that is far more congruent with inviting her to a party than it is with him inviting her to a party to make a move himself. The only possible caveat to that is if he is concerned about overtly asking a client out on the job so an invitation to a party is pretty neutral...but not likely as he is leaving this job anyway so who cares?!

 

Aaaaand now I am well into overthinking territory myself dammit!

 

Either way, OP is best served going alone I think, it will encourage this guy to talk to her throughout the night or at least make introductions to eligible friends whereas she could get left to her own devices if she took a friend along.

[AMJ]

Aaaaand now I am well into overthinking territory myself dammit!

 

I know, and you're ruining all my fun.

[katiegrl]

Okay spill it AMJ, what happened at the party?

 

Inquiring minds!

[ThisOverThat]

She still hasn't done anything with this guy or turned the page on the whole idea?

[katiegrl]

She still hasn't done anything with this guy or turned the page on the whole idea?

 

Dunno. Still waiting for her update about what happened, if anything, at the party.

[AMJ]

Okay spill it AMJ, what happened at the party?

 

Inquiring minds!

 

 

Nothing! Absolutely nothing. He got called into work at his second job and cancelled the party :/

 

I wasn't going to go sit at his second job because...how desperate does that look?

We exchanged numbers. Well he has mine, I didn't bring my phone into class. He gave me a huge hug and more puppy dog eyes, with a very sad sounding goodbye.

 

At this point, I have no interest to pursue. I'll see him at 2nd job whenever I happen to go in there...but I've kinda lost that loving feeling at this point. He knows how to find me. I really don't like to chase. I already knew that but now know for sure, since this is really the first time ever a guy has put me in this weird position.

 

Another one of his coworkers was trying REALLY hard to get his attention these past few days though. I mean, she showed up out of nowhere suddenly to take his class wearing the skankiest workout outfits imaginable- and he again seemed really uninterested. Maybe he's more used to that type of attention than I'd thought. It's not like he didn't notice her, she and her whole act were impossible to miss.

[katiegrl]

Nothing! Absolutely nothing. He got called into work at his second job and cancelled the party :/

 

I wasn't going to go sit at his second job because...how desperate does that look?

We exchanged numbers. Well he has mine, I didn't bring my phone into class. He gave me a huge hug and more puppy dog eyes, with a very sad sounding goodbye.

 

At this point, I have no interest to pursue. I'll see him at 2nd job whenever I happen to go in there...but I've kinda lost that loving feeling at this point. He knows how to find me. I really don't like to chase. I already knew that but now know for sure, since this is really the first time ever a guy has put me in this weird position.

 

Another one of his coworkers was trying REALLY hard to get his attention these past few days though. I mean, she showed up out of nowhere suddenly to take his class wearing the skankiest workout outfits imaginable- and he again seemed really uninterested. Maybe he's more used to that type of attention than I'd thought. It's not like he didn't notice her, she and her whole act were impossible to miss.

 

How did you find out the party was cancelled, did he call or send a text message?

 

Or did you have a Saturday class and he told you then? Wonder how he informed everyone else, bizarre!

 

And what's up with the 'puppy dog eyes' and sad goodbye?

 

If he were interested, he would hardly be 'sad' .... now he can ask you on a date without fear of breaking any gym rules! That should make him happy!

 

IF he were interested.

 

AMJ, I hope you are not harboring any notion that this guy is crushing on you.

 

I said this awhile back, but it sounds like he is playing you a bit, for kicks, whatever.

 

Who knows, who cares.

 

I wouldn't be stepping one foot in the bar he works at. Ever!

 

If he wants to see you, he has your number.