I have a crush on this guy, and I hate it.

[joseb]

Okay but, what do I do going forward? Ignore him?

 

Why is he useless?

 

I mean that if he is interested then he is pretty useless with women if he hasn't asked you out at this stage given all the chances.

 

I don't think he is interested.

[Weezy1973]

OK, I read the whole thread.

 

AMJ, you do not have bigger balls than this guy. In fact, you have no balls at all. You're a coward.

 

I learned when I was a teenager how stupid crushes are and how much of a waste of time they are. When I was a teenager. You're 34.

 

Ask him out directly. "Hey trainer, I think you're really attractive. Would you like to go out on a date sometime?"

 

No ambiguity whatsoever. He says yes, you get to have a date with your crush. He says no, you get to move on. It's a win / win.

 

Just stop being a coward and pretending he's the wishy washy all over the place game playing guy that has smaller balls than you. That's just you making up stories in your head to make yourself feel better. Ego defense mechanism at it's finest.

[LadyLike30]

I don't think he's shy or playing games

 

Like a barista, bartender, hostess - service industry - he has to be sociable. He can't be showing up and coldly doing his gym class and running off.

 

And also, in talking to gym members he makes people feel welcome and can even help people meet goals at the gym.

 

At my gym, this woman was trying to open the door with her stroller and not one of the women at the greeting desk got up to help her. Same thing with an old guy and I almost wanted to file a complaint. Mean, cold and rude is bad.

 

Be thankful he's not one of those jerks that does sleep with women at the gym.

 

Just enjoy him being a friendly guy. It's nice to have a hunky guy to put a smile on your face. Makes going to the gym fun

[AMJ]

 

AMJ.....just give up. If he IS interested in you, he will definitely let you know. My guess is that he is just a guy who thinks you're attractive and likes to flirt. Nothing more. You don't really have to "do" anything honestly. Just be yourself. The YOU that you were before you started crushing on him.

 

Mystique I hear you. I do.

 

I gotta say again though, that I promise, sincerely promise, that I'm not at all stressed or upset or anything like that about young gym guy (YGG). I told my friend this story- the one who's visiting from out of town- and we both just laughed about it. Let's face it, there's plenty to giggle about in this story.

 

Also because, as someone who's known me since we were wee little teenagers, this is a very typical AMJ situation. And she knows that I know when a guy is into me for some reason. She'll tell me when I wrong. We both are chalking this up to him being young. There are a few other guys in my orbit at the moment, I could post about them, but there's nothing that interesting to talk about with any of them. Anyway, I know I sound like I'm seriously bent out of shape over YGG but I'm really not. This has mostly just been fun- and as best friend pointed out, a really great reason to motivate myself to get in better shape. And on that note, I'm in better shape now than I was when I was YGG's age so...this crush is actually healthy for me. Literally

[AMJ]

 

Just stop being a coward and pretending he's the wishy washy all over the place game playing guy that has smaller balls than you. That's just you making up stories in your head to make yourself feel better. Ego defense mechanism at it's finest.

 

You're the 2nd person to tell me I'm too old to have a crush. I see threads on here all the time about men having crushes on coworkers or women they see at the gym, and missing opportunities to ask her out. Two of my friends (who are also my age) have huge crushes on guys at work. Two male friends of mine who are both several years older than me have had a crush on me for a very long time (I know this because they tell me about it pretty often). I think it's sad that people put an age limit on crushes. I hope I still have them when I'm 84.

 

I have a pulse. My hormones still work the right way. I have a sex drive, therefore I have crushes sometimes.

 

This is not some teenage, scribbling his last name in a notebook crush. This is me wanting to rip his clothes off and have sex for days crush.

 

Also, I'm not a coward. I have plenty of faults, and people who know me personally (as opposed to you Weezy) would say that I'm stubborn, overly critical, afraid of intimacy, and a little bit ADD. But not cowardly. I've done things in my life that absolutely terrify lots of people.

 

I wasn't afraid of asking him out. I'm not afraid of rejection. I was 11 the first time I told a boy I had a crush on him, and I've asked out or made a move on plenty of guys since. My hesitation in this situation was to avoid awkwardness so that I don't need to start looking for a new gym. If he were another member in the gym, or a guy I met in public, or something where we were both on even playing field, I WOULD have been more forward/aggressive and flirtatious with him as soon as I realized he was flirting with me too.

[AMJ]

I don't think he's shy or playing games

 

Like a barista, bartender, hostess - service industry - he has to be sociable. He can't be showing up and coldly doing his gym class and running off.

 

And also, in talking to gym members he makes people feel welcome and can even help people meet goals at the gym.

 

At my gym, this woman was trying to open the door with her stroller and not one of the women at the greeting desk got up to help her. Same thing with an old guy and I almost wanted to file a complaint. Mean, cold and rude is bad.

 

Be thankful he's not one of those jerks that does sleep with women at the gym.

 

Just enjoy him being a friendly guy. It's nice to have a hunky guy to put a smile on your face. Makes going to the gym fun

 

 

When I was telling my friend this story she said "Why is he even asking you about your personal life to begin with?" I get your point- it's kind of like when your hairdresser is making small talk. Generally I can tell the difference when someone is just being pleasant and actually trying to get to know me. It's safe to say that his conversations probe deeper than necessary for the sake of being polite to clients.

 

Also, he's not a stereotypical hunky personal trainer. One of our running jokes is that he's always pushing/encouraging us during workouts to work harder, but he doesn't work out himself ever, at all, because he works too much. He's not a smokeshow, just an average looking guy. Not sure if that changes perceptions of the story.

 

Also- I'm learning that gym management is strict and there's dumb politics among coworkers. I overheard a few staff talking about it the other day. And they moved YGG's desk from the private back room where we have sessions, to the front with the other staff...so he no longer has any privacy. I don't know if they're concerned about keeping an eye on him or what, but I know he's not happy about it.

Edited August 21, 2016 by AMJ

[jen1447]

You're the 2nd person to tell me I'm too old to have a crush. I see threads on here all the time about men having crushes on coworkers or women they see at the gym, and missing opportunities to ask her out. Two of my friends (who are also my age) have huge crushes on guys at work. Two male friends of mine who are both several years older than me have had a crush on me for a very long time (I know this because they tell me about it pretty often). I think it's sad that people put an age limit on crushes. I hope I still have them when I'm 84.

 

I have a pulse. My hormones still work the right way. I have a sex drive, therefore I have crushes sometimes.

 

This is not some teenage, scribbling his last name in a notebook crush. This is me wanting to rip his clothes off and have sex for days crush.

 

Also, I'm not a coward. I have plenty of faults, and people who know me personally (as opposed to you Weezy) would say that I'm stubborn, overly critical, afraid of intimacy, and a little bit ADD. But not cowardly. I've done things in my life that absolutely terrify lots of people.

 

I wasn't afraid of asking him out. I'm not afraid of rejection. I was 11 the first time I told a boy I had a crush on him, and I've asked out or made a move on plenty of guys since. My hesitation in this situation was to avoid awkwardness so that I don't need to start looking for a new gym. If he were another member in the gym, or a guy I met in public, or something where we were both on even playing field, I WOULD have been more forward/aggressive and flirtatious with him as soon as I realized he was flirting with me too.

 

LOL @childish or cowardly. I literally know of a few 80-90 year olds who have crushes. (Ppl tend to marginalize seniors' emotions and conduct as 'cute' in a childlike way but make no mistake, they're adults.) And while I may wish you'd "woman up" and just make this happen AMJ, I don't see any cowardice here, just caution. They're two very diff things.

[katiegrl]

I'm not getting the criticism for having a *crush* either.

 

Perhaps it's semantics, the wording of it that rubs some people the wrong way.

 

You dig the guy, you fancy him, you have "the feels" for him, this happens at all ages not just to young teens.

 

AMJ, if it were me I would hang back, lay low for awhile and let the universe figure this out.

 

Everything works out the way it's supposed to in the end.

 

Don't try and force it.

[AMJ]

LOL @childish or cowardly. I literally know of a few 80-90 year olds who have crushes. (Ppl tend to marginalize seniors' emotions and conduct as 'cute' in a childlike way but make no mistake, they're adults.) And while I may wish you'd "woman up" and just make this happen AMJ, I don't see any cowardice here, just caution. They're two very diff things.

 

My nana is 84 and was quite the player in her nursing home. She had two boyfriends in there for awhile. Granted, she has dementia and thought one was my grandpa and the other was her second husband. My mom and aunt were so grossed out because they'd always find her coming out of these guys' bedrooms, but I was silently a little bit proud of her I also really loved watching her flirt with this really cute doctor who was probably around 38.

[AMJ]

YGG seemed sad today. I don't know why. I told him he wasn't his usual happy self and he smiled and said he was really tired from working too many hours and needed more coffee.

 

Otherwise I've been pretty much ignoring him completely.

 

But today I got ready for work at the gym after class. He was standing right there when I came out of the locker room and totally got caught checking me out from top to bottom and bottom to top again. He'd never seen me in a dress and heels before. I just smiled at him and said bye.

[katiegrl]

 

YGG seemed sad today. I don't know why. I told him he wasn't his usual happy self and he smiled and said he was really tired from working too many hours and needed more coffee.

 

Otherwise I've been pretty much ignoring him completely.

 

But today I got ready for work at the gym after class. He was standing right there when I came out of the locker room and totally got caught checking me out from top to bottom and bottom to top again. He'd never seen me in a dress and heels before. I just smiled at him and said bye.

 

AMJ, with respect hun, I can't believe you fell for that game.

 

Look, I have been exactly where you are.... many times. You are probably thinking (hoping) he is sad because you have decided to ignore him.

 

Am I wrong about that? C'mon be honest girl... again I have been there!

 

All I can say is please do not start to over-think this!

 

I think this guy is playing some kind of weird game with you....even his "sadness" today is a game!

 

He's not sad, he just wants you to think he's sad so you say to him exactly what you said to him today -- thus giving him the attention he so desperately craves.

 

If it were me, if it's so difficult to continue ignoring and behaving indifferently, I would change gyms.

 

I have known women who have remained stuck in this type of game for YEARS.

 

If he was truly sad you were ignoring him, he would be doing something about it, like asking you out.

 

Period, end of.

 

Please try and move on from him, I see nothing positive coming out of this for you.

Edited August 24, 2016 by katiegrl

[AMJ]

I can't change gyms, we don't have that many around here and the other ones are terrible.

 

I overthink lots of things but promise I'm not overthinking this. I don't know why he's acting sad. I think it's possible there's something else going on- unrelated to me- because we all have bad days, myself included. I'd be surprised if he were acting sad because of something I did or didn't do. I don't think the universe revolves around me. But he did like my short, barely work-appropriate dress! lol. That was really the only point to today's story.

[katiegrl]

I can't change gyms, we don't have that many around here and the other ones are terrible.

 

I overthink lots of things but promise I'm not overthinking this. I don't know why he's acting sad. I think it's possible there's something else going on- unrelated to me- because we all have bad days, myself included. I'd be surprised if he were acting sad because of something I did or didn't do. I don't think the universe revolves around me. But he did like my short, barely work-appropriate dress! lol. That was really the only point to today's story.

 

Yes we all have bad days, and we all at least try to put on a happy face to the world despite of that... and carry on.

 

And as I said, I have known guys like him, many of them....who have pulled the "sad face" card out of their bag of tricks, I just don't trust it anymore.

 

And if he hadn't pulled his last game on you (suggesting y'all meet up and then taking it back with a big smirk on his face), I might be inclined to think he's a decent genuine guy.

 

But after that last trick, frankly I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, and I would continue to ignore.

 

Just me.... if you wish to still engage and play this game with him.... your prerogative.

 

Best of luck.

[jen1447]

But he did like my short, barely work-appropriate dress! lol. That was really the only point to today's story.

 

Work it girlfriend.

[Mystique01]

 

All I can say is please do not start to over-think this!

 

I think this guy is playing some kind of weird game with you....even his "sadness" today is a game!

 

 

START????????? LOL......

 

 

Imo, I'm not going to say that this guy is necessarily playing a game, but yes AMJ, you definitely are over thinking this...way more than necessary.

 

And I'm not so sure that he was really all that "sad" as you say. I honestly just think that you are hypersensitive to his every little move and behavior (you're constantly reading his facial expressions for goodness sakes), and so any little change from his "baseline" makes you wonder about him (trust me...I've been there). And yes, I agree with Katiegrl that you're looking for little signs to see whether your ignoring him (or anything you do/say/wear etc) is having any effect on him. This is all because you still have feelings for him. It's so obvious.

 

Hun, Idk how many ppl are going to have to try to tell you this, but please, just move on. You may not be able to switch gyms, but surely you can workout at a day or time when he is not working, since I doubt he works there 12 hours each day....especially if he has a second job elsewhere. So my advice would be to try to go early in the mornings before work if he's not there, or late after work if he's not there. Try that for a few weeks.....switch it up a little,maybe take another class where he's not the instructor (surely he's not the only gym instructor there), work out outside or do smthg different and start getting over him. Give yourself a mini break from him. Trust me, it will be for the best.

Edited August 24, 2016 by Mystique01

[AMJ]

I'm pretty tuned into everyone's facial expressions, moods, etc. Like when my boss is irritated with someone else but acting nice and no one can tell, I can tell. When coworkers are having a bad day, even if they're not outwardly showing it, I can tell. That's not really something I turn off, I'm just aware of things like that. It's exhausting sometimes. And sure, I pay more attention to people I like or find interesting. But I'm not pulling my hair out or stressed or anything about YGG. I'm actually having fun with this situation.

 

Mystiquey, I think you think that I'm more invested in this than I actually am. But I do appreciate your concern I do like this guy but I won't lose my head over it.

 

I think switching gyms or figuring out how to avoid seeing him (he's there pretty much all the time and I'm not about to topsy turvy my own life just to avoid him, that seems extreme and honestly I have a busy schedule myself...the time I can make for the gym is the only time I have available. If he's there, he's there, oh well) is a little extreme. It's not like I did anything severe or embarrassing. I told him it would be fun to hang out sometime. He and I have conversations about our lives and tease each other. It's all pretty innocent, big picture.

Edited August 24, 2016 by AMJ

[jen1447]

So what's the verdict on just plainly and boldly asking him out Amjay? If you're actually enjoying all this intrigue then ok, but if it's as agonizing for you as it is for us , that's the quick and easy solution to all your problems. And no you don't have to quit the gym after.

[Weezy1973]

I'm not getting the criticism for having a *crush* either.

 

Perhaps it's semantics, the wording of it that rubs some people the wrong way.

 

Ah, I should have been more clear. It's not the crush that's the problem; it's not doing anything about it that's a problem. If you have a crush, ask the person out on a date, with no ambiguity. If you can't bring yourself to do that, then acknowledge you're a coward.

 

And being cautious because there might be a company policy against it is just a made up excuse. You could say, again with no ambiguity: "Hey trainer, does the gym have a policy against dating clients because I think you're really attractive and I'd like to get to know you better etc. etc."

 

Again, just direct and straightforward. You'll get an answer one way or the other.

[Leigh 87]

Same crap happened to me in 2010.

 

Trainer just wanted to bang me. And he did

 

You should know by now that flirting, good energy and " feeling" each other doesn't mean he feels anything.

 

Men can feel enough chemistry to act super into you- without having actual feelings.

 

Men who want to ask you out-- ask you out.

 

Even super introverts find their way even if they have to stutter their words as they ask for your facebook- since you don't even have to ask for someones number these days. You can go right onto facebook and ask somone out without having to face them! Fancy that.

 

Just ignore him and respond in kind when he chats.

 

Think about the great and fun honeymoon stage if dating again when it happens! You have lots to look forward to; just not with this player.

 

Enjoy. Enjoy flirting but don't instigate more he has already shut you down as it is.

[AMJ]

I don't really see how he's played me, guys. Guys who are "players" are looking for sex, not attention. We haven't had sex, I'm not feeling like some used and abused sad little girl while he's moving onto the next one....I think lots of you are projecting stereotypes/personal experiences onto this situation.

 

I never said he had feelings for me. It's a little premature for feelings....

 

I've said he's interested, he flirts with me, is attracted to me. That much I'm sure of. I don't think he wants to take it anywhere and I have suspicions why, but am not really sure.

 

I get the whole- when a guy is into you, he'll be super forward and etc. But really guys, there have been many times in my life when things didn't just magically work out that way. Men are human and a little more complex than that. Sometimes these things take a little bit of time to sort out.

 

He's not a player. I know who players are, they're pretty easy to spot.

 

Anyway, my fun is getting spoiled a little bit here...I'm feeling like I don't want to post any more updates. Maybe just for big news updates. The small things I'll keep to myself for now

[Chris2016]

AMJ, I didn't read this whole thread. Just glanced a few of the last posts.

 

Your advice to me:

 

"But you can't practice flirting with someone who isn't going to reciprocate your actions...also, don't give her the satisfaction of your attention if she doesn't appreciate it. That rule applies to all women, but since she's your coworker, it's important for obvious reasons. You don't want to get in trouble at work.

 

Flirting is meant to grow into affection and ultimately sex..a ripple effect, like throwing a pebble into a lake. First there's little flirting, then she reciprocates, then you flirt more intensely, she likes it, then you ask her out, flirting continues on a date, etc, etc, until you guys sleep together at some point.

 

If you're practicing with someone who doesn't at least enjoy your flirting, it's like throwing that pebble at a brick wall. Not good practice."

[AMJ]

Ohmygosh where did you dig that up from?

 

I still agree with that. He does enjoy and react to my flirting though. There are ripples happening, just very very very small ones. Every situation is different, and requires a different approach

[AMJ]

I've mostly- but not entirely- been ignoring YGG. And he does not like being ignored. I'm not proud to admit but we've kind of regressed into juvenile territory. If I'm a little cold to him, he's cold to me. He even takes it out on me in the class by being harsh, and never used to act like that. And definitely doesn't treat anyone else like that. But when I DO talk to him, he lights up, moves in closer, and acts like I just made his day by talking to him. He mirrors my actions almost perfectly, and I have to give that much to him- I've not known many people to be as perceptive to other's emotions. Honestly it feels like he understands my moods better than most men I've dated.

 

He's consistent with how he speaks to everyone else in the class, except me. With me, he's happy, talkative, flirty, friendly basically only when I give him the green light by being warm to him. Sometimes he'll walk over to me and stand there, waiting for me to talk to him and I don't. Why am I doing this? It's kind of instinctual. I mean he was $%&king with me for awhile, so I guess now I feel like that's what he gets in return. Like I said, it's juvenile.

 

And it's also less fun.

[jen1447]

I think you're either into or on the verge of the impossible zone now Am, where the precedent pretty much establishes the future bc it's well established and it's the only thing there is. Your relationship w this guy, such as it is, pretty much is this push and pull dynamic where nothing ever happens and the boundaries are always rigidly observed.

 

I wouldn't look for it to change at this point unless one of you do sth relatively 'crazy.'

[Shining One]

My vote is for something crazy.