I have a crush on this guy, and I hate it.

August 16, 2016

This is going to be LONG......so I hope you have a comfortable chair!

I usually don't write messages this long, but I just HAD to add my input since I've been in a similar situation before myself.

Okay well, that's the thing though- you're missing the point of me being his client. The only reason I made the move to begin with is because I realized that he'd never cross that line. If he were just a member at the gym like me, I'd agree with your point. I also left out this detail which is actually probably a little more important:

There's this room that connects to the room him and I were in, which staff are always coming and going from, it connects to a different part of the gym so sometimes we can't tell if staff are in there. Right after he said "Yeah, definitely we should do something" he kinda jumped over to see if any of his coworkers were in there, because they'd be able to hear us. No one was there- I'd not even put him in that position if that were the case- but I'm now realizing that he probably is really concerned about that. And when I think about it, the gym probably does give him a lot of grief about acting professionally and not sleeping around with members. It's a family owned business, not a big chain gym.

I understand why he would be hesitant since he works at the gym, but imo it kind of seems like you're going through a whole litany of possibilities of why he acted the way he did, when the answer might just be simple...he may just not be interested in dating you.

I know that's a tough pill to swallow, and I agree that the verdict MAY be still open on him....But think about this logically for a second.......

Even if he had a fear of "dating his clients", he could have told you that upfront, or at the very least gotten your number so that he could text you outside of the gym. Getting a client's number is not a big deal. It could be to let you know when class is cancelled, or whatever.

Another thing, if he REALLY was worried about the client-trainer relationship, is there another trainer he could have referred you to?? Just curious....

Case in point...when I worked at a law firm years ago, I was told of the story of how the Partner in the practice group I was in met his wife. Turns out, she was his assistant! But when he realized that they were developing feelings for each other, in order to not have a "conflict of interest", he suggested that she be the assistant for another attorney so that they could carry on a proper dating relationship w/out having a conflict of interest arise in the work place.

So my point is, if he were REALLY interested, he could have suggested something like that, or at the very least stated that maybe you two could meet outside of the gym (since he's always checking doors). Are PT not ever supposed to have a relationship with people in the gym? I mean, they spend a lot of time at work lol.

What I'm wondering is, if he's really not interested, then why did he act interested all of those times? There are a lot of little things he's done that I didn't mention here. Or, why was he so flustered when I asked him out? He's a confident guy, it doesn't make sense why he'd be flustered about that. When people ask me out and I'm not interested, I don't get all nervous about it, I just calmly say no thanks. So something's definitely up with him, I'm just not sure what. Idk I've been wrong about lots of things when it comes to guys...but I'm usually never wrong about knowing when a guy is into me.

Are we bored with updates or should I keep this thread going, lol? This is the most g-rated story on here I'm sure.

I know....sometimes men can be so confusing.....especially when they're not interested. Men (I find) are pretty direct. If they're interested, they'll let you know in a clear way....it may take AGES, but you won't have any "doubt". Whenever I find that I'm "wondering", I take that as a sign that this guy may not be as interested in me as I am in him lol. It saves me a LOT of headache and mental gymnastics.

Again, I'm not saying that he's NOT attracted to you. I think he IS. I've never doubted that. I've always been questioning though whether he really is indeed INTERESTED in dating you (or anyone for that matter).

Let me tell you, men like attractive women. Even MARRIED men can flirt, be friendly, and look at you with "doe eyes". It's not right, but it happens. They're married....they're not DEAD lol. But in MY experience, until a man makes a CLEAR move to show me that he's interested, I just assume that he's "attracted", but not interested in dating.

I mean, this guy had a CLEAR "in". If he were harboring any "secret feelings" for you, don't you think he would have given you more signs of that either during your conversation or shortly after? I mean, look at how much you've analyzed this situation. If HE had been the one to say: "hey, we should hang out sometime"..... wouldn't YOU have jumped at the chance to hang out with him? If he was afraid about his job, he would have wanted to remain TACTFUL (yes), but at the same time he would have been too afraid of turning you off or giving you the WRONG impression, that he would have made sure that you knew he was at least interested in getting to know you and spend some time w/you outside of gym. If a man isn't afraid of giving you the wrong impression, then he is probably not that interested.

SOME men may be "shy" about romance, but if a woman gives them an inch, they will take a mile if they are interested in her. Just the fact that you asked to "hang out" one day (even if as a friend), a man who was interested in you would have jumped at the chance and would have probably suggested: "how about this weekend?" or...."okay, let me get your number and maybe we can plan something....". But just an "Okay yea sure...."??? IDk......most men (especially confident men) know how to pick up the ball when it's thrown to them...IF they are truly interested.

Oh and I used to like a guy in the past (ironically who was 6 years younger than me) and he was indeed shy, but like your guy, he would always act kind of "shy" and "reserved" whenever I was showing interest. Yet, whenever he was around the girl he REALLY liked, oh he was a totally different person! No "awkwardness", no "shyness", nothing! He was attracted to me (oh sure!), but he for whatever reason didn't like me like he liked this other girl. There is a definite difference between how a man treats you when he's INTERESTED and wants to date you, vs. how he treats you when he's not really interested but maybe thinks you're a nice and attractive woman.

Plus, like others have mentioned, he wants to keep you as a client, and doesn't want to offend you. And if he is as "good-guy" as you say, he definitely doesn't want to put you off. Plus, keep in mind he's YOUNG.

Again, I don't mean to rain on your parade here, but I just don't want to see you inadvertently fall into the same trap I fell into years ago. I will still hold out hope that this guy will make a move later on down the line, but I'm not going to hold my breath unfortunately. I have seen situations like this before, and 9 times out of 10 it didn't end up in the girl's favor unfortunately. Again, you know him better than we do (obviously), but just based on the signs and descriptions you've given so far (especially LATELY), I'm not getting such a good feeling about this. I thought for SURE that when you made more of an effort that he would take the ball running and end up DOING something to show interest.

When is your next session w/him?

For me when a man asks me out and I am not interested, it makes me very uncomfortable (and a bit nervous and hesitant) ... I know I have to reject which is always awkward.

If we work together, I might say "sure" but think of reasons why I cannot, just like he did.

If he were some anonymous guy I met at a bar or club I would feel more comfortable saying, "thank you, but not interested" but again you are a client, so it's an awkward and somewhat precarious situation.

Short of him telling you, no not interested, he declined as politely as he could without risk of offending or losing you as a client.

If there was a policy against dating clients, or he had a gf, he would have told you. Easy peasey.

"Sounds fun, but I have a gf, so wouldn't be cool.". Or "sounds fun but we are not allowed to fraternize with clients outside the gym."

Something like that.

The fact he said sure but came up with several (bogus) excuses speaks volumes.

I wouldn't be giving him a second thought if I were you.

^^BINGO.

I agree....especially with the parts in bold.

If a guy had approached you in this fashion, would you have considered yourself "asked out"?

I may not have considered myself "asked out" in the formal fashion, but I would have definitely gotten the impression that he was interested in seeing me OUTSIDE of the gym. I would have gotten the hint he was interested in me at least as a person. And YES...if I were interested in him, I would have definitely behaved differently than this guy.....job or no job lol. I wouldn't have wanted to give him the wrong impression that I was blowing him off.

I had to think about this one. I'm not really sure
I'd probably be suspicious but still a little confused. Which is kinda how I wanted him to feel. Maybe if I had been more direct his response would be less ambiguous? Something tells me it wouldn't have mattered much. I really think the main reason he was so flustered is that he really did not at all expect me to say that to him.

yea I don't think it would have mattered much either, but at least it's out there. The ball is squarely in his court.

Who knows, he may still pick up the ball, so I wouldn't lose ALL hope here... But definitely don't give him anymore thought. Treat him normally like a friend. At least the invitation is out there. If he's interested, he will take you up on your offer, or at least make a counter-offer or get your number. If he doesn't even ask for your number though, then I'd definitely just assume he's not interested.

In my experience the types of trainers who hook up with their clients and are known for it, hook up with pretty much all of their clients. If my guy were like that, I think he probably would have tried to make it happen already.

But I know what you mean. It's weird that he's suddenly shy.

Guys can act that way when they sense that you're interested, but they're not really interested back.

Guys really hate confrontation, and don't want to hurt girl's feelings. So if he acts anyway weird, "shy", or awkward after you've shared your feelings, then that's usually a sign that a guy is probably not feeling the same way. Any guy who was feeling the same way would be acting MORE confident around you, not LESS.

Edited August 16, 2016 by Mystique01

August 16, 2016

Thank you Mystique for sharing your advice and perspective. I feel bad writing such a short response to a long post

I totally agree with everything you said. And it's definitely a huge waste of time to try to figure out what's going on in this guy's head since he really is all over the map. I probably sound more invested in this situation than I really am...I'll admit sometimes it's fun to overreact about things like this. Or at least it's a fun distraction from things in my life which are not at all fun. Which means, I'm not actually going to be crushed or super sad or anything like that.

I don't even really know if I wanted to date him, I think I just wanted to play. I mean, we do get along really well and I think we would have fun together. But I honestly just wanted to explore possibility and see what happened. It's not like I was planning our wedding or anything like that.

Since the other day I've seen him twice and at first he was acting strange, and then he realized that I was acting normal so he snapped out of it and went back to acting the way he always does. Maybe he just gets a kick out of being a huge flirt and I called his bluff?

So for example, here's our conversation today, which is pretty typical:

Him- What are you doing this week/weekend?

Me- (This and that for work, etc) Oh and my best friend is coming to town! I'm pretty excited about that.

Him- Nice! Where is she coming from? What are you guys doing? What day does she get here?

And I'll answer all those questions. And, I get it- a big part of his job is being personable and friendly, and he will be more successful if he's good at building relationships with clients. But I've been to a LOT of different gyms, worked out with a lot of different trainers, and none of them have ever shown that level of interest with my day to day life. Sometimes he asks me questions like that and I'm thinking "Why do you care what day my friend gets to town...?" Like there's small talk, but he asks me these questions all the time, about everything. And he doesn't really talk to other clients like that.

And the other thing, which to me was more significant, is all the invading my personal space. He does that ALL the time. He'll come up from behind me to surprise me when I'm not looking, comes up right in my face to talk to me (not talking about the gym subjects usually) and is generally always in my space. And he does not do that to anyone else. He also doesn't touch anyone else but sometimes he touches me to help me with posture or whatever.

Moral of the story- maybe he's not interested but I swear I didn't fabricate this out of nowhere....he started it! lol.

Edited August 16, 2016 by AMJ

August 16, 2016

Thank you Mystique for sharing your advice and perspective. I feel bad writing such a short response to a long post

I totally agree with everything you said. And it's definitely a huge waste of time to try to figure out what's going on in this guy's head since he really is all over the map. I probably sound more invested in this situation than I really am...I'll admit sometimes it's fun to overreact about things like this. Or at least it's a fun distraction from things in my life which are not at all fun. Which means, I'm not actually going to be crushed or super sad or anything like that.

I don't even really know if I wanted to date him, I think I just wanted to play. I mean, we do get along really well and I think we would have fun together. But I honestly just wanted to explore possibility and see what happened. It's not like I was planning our wedding or anything like that.

Since the other day I've seen him twice and at first he was acting strange, and then he realized that I was acting normal so he snapped out of it and went back to acting the way he always does. Maybe he just gets a kick out of being a huge flirt and I called his bluff?

So for example, here's our conversation today, which is pretty typical:
Him- What are you doing this week/weekend?
Me- (This and that for work, etc) Oh and my best friend is coming to town! I'm pretty excited about that.
Him- Nice! Where is she coming from? What are you guys doing? What day does she get here?
And I'll answer all those questions. And, I get it- a big part of his job is being personable and friendly, and he will be more successful if he's good at building relationships with clients. But I've been to a LOT of different gyms, worked out with a lot of different trainers, and none of them have ever shown that level of interest with my day to day life. Sometimes he asks me questions like that and I'm thinking "Why do you care what day my friend gets to town...?" Like there's small talk, but he asks me these questions all the time, about everything. And he doesn't really talk to other clients like that.

And the other thing, which to me was more significant, is all the invading my personal space. He does that ALL the time. He'll come up from behind me to surprise me when I'm not looking, comes up right in my face to talk to me (not talking about the gym subjects usually) and is generally always in my space. And he does not do that to anyone else. He also doesn't touch anyone else but sometimes he touches me to help me with posture or whatever.

Moral of the story- maybe he's not interested but I swear I didn't fabricate this out of nowhere....he started it! lol.

Have you decided to arrange something amongst friends, that you can invite him and his friends to?

August 16, 2016

Have you decided to arrange something amongst friends, that you can invite him and his friends to?

I think he needs a little time to calm down before I do anything like that. I was thinking that maybe the biggest issue with him being so young is his perception of what women are like. Let's face it, his experience at this point is all younger women who are insecure and needy. Maybe if he sees that he can act however he's going to act, and I'll be just fine, he can relax a little bit.

August 16, 2016

I think he needs a little time to calm down before I do anything like that. I was thinking that maybe the biggest issue with him being so young is his perception of what women are like. Let's face it, his experience at this point is all younger women who are insecure and needy. Maybe if he sees that he can act however he's going to act, and I'll be just fine, he can relax a little bit.

I'm wondering how you know about his experiences. Have you talled to him about previous relationships? How do you plan to determine when he has calmed down?

August 16, 2016

I'm wondering how you know about his experiences. Have you talled to him about previous relationships? How do you plan to determine when he has calmed down?

He was playing college baseball and it never sounded like there was time for a serious relationship. We haven't really had many conversations about past relationships. I'll know he's calmed down when...idk how I think I'll just know?

August 16, 2016

Thank you Mystique for sharing your advice and perspective. I feel bad writing such a short response to a long post

I totally agree with everything you said. And it's definitely a huge waste of time to try to figure out what's going on in this guy's head since he really is all over the map. I probably sound more invested in this situation than I really am...I'll admit sometimes it's fun to overreact about things like this. Or at least it's a fun distraction from things in my life which are not at all fun. Which means, I'm not actually going to be crushed or super sad or anything like that.

I don't even really know if I wanted to date him, I think I just wanted to play. I mean, we do get along really well and I think we would have fun together. But I honestly just wanted to explore possibility and see what happened. It's not like I was planning our wedding or anything like that.

Since the other day I've seen him twice and at first he was acting strange, and then he realized that I was acting normal so he snapped out of it and went back to acting the way he always does. Maybe he just gets a kick out of being a huge flirt and I called his bluff?

So for example, here's our conversation today, which is pretty typical:
Him- What are you doing this week/weekend?
Me- (This and that for work, etc) Oh and my best friend is coming to town! I'm pretty excited about that.
Him- Nice! Where is she coming from? What are you guys doing? What day does she get here?
And I'll answer all those questions. And, I get it- a big part of his job is being personable and friendly, and he will be more successful if he's good at building relationships with clients. But I've been to a LOT of different gyms, worked out with a lot of different trainers, and none of them have ever shown that level of interest with my day to day life. Sometimes he asks me questions like that and I'm thinking "Why do you care what day my friend gets to town...?" Like there's small talk, but he asks me these questions all the time, about everything. And he doesn't really talk to other clients like that.

And the other thing, which to me was more significant, is all the invading my personal space. He does that ALL the time. He'll come up from behind me to surprise me when I'm not looking, comes up right in my face to talk to me (not talking about the gym subjects usually) and is generally always in my space. And he does not do that to anyone else. He also doesn't touch anyone else but sometimes he touches me to help me with posture or whatever.

Moral of the story- maybe he's not interested but I swear I didn't fabricate this out of nowhere....he started it! lol.

Yea sure no problem AMJ!

Yea I just don't want to see you get caught up in a situation like I did years ago. It was really frustrating (to say the least!) lol. I was always constantly analyzing this guy's actions,facial expressions, flirty behavior, sentences towards me ("what did he mean exactly by.....??"), etc. It was a big major HEADACHE!

Now days I've just learned and realized that when a guy is interested, he will eventually let me know, and I usually won't have to do quantum physics in order to find out haha!

This guy (for right now) just seems really friendly, open, and flirty. He probably doesn't mean anything by it. And keep in mind too that some people are just great conversationalists!

But at least now you don't have to worry or analyze anything, because after what you told him a few days ago, I think he kind of gets the hint that you wouldn't mind spending some time w/him outside of the gym.

So, just treat him normally like you've been doing, but I wouldn't waste anymore thought on him as a romantic prospect. Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised.... But even if not, at least you've moved on quickly and didn't dwell on this any longer than need be.

August 16, 2016

So for example, here's our conversation today, which is pretty typical:
Him- What are you doing this week/weekend?

Amjam, you think he asks, literally, what you're doing this weekend and that doesn't mean he wants to go out w you??

August 16, 2016

Amjam, you think he asks, literally, what you're doing this weekend and that doesn't mean he wants to go out w you??

I think it's fair to say that he doesn't even know what he's doing at this point.

August 17, 2016

Amjam, you think he asks, literally, what you're doing this weekend and that doesn't mean he wants to go out w you??

FWIW, my very happily married boss often asks me what my plans are for the weekend.

I highly doubt he is interested in dating me since as I said he is happily married. lol

I agree with Mystique. If he had been interested in dating you AMJ, he would have jumped all over your invite (no matter how casually executed).

And jmo but I think he does know what he is doing and knows perfectly well what to do when he is interested.

Unfortunately in this case, it just doesn't appear he is all that interested.

Do you know whether or not he has a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend?

August 18, 2016

Do you know whether or not he has a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend?

I had to LOL at this one. He's very much into women. And he's single.

August 18, 2016

OH My GOD, this guy.

So whenever a guy toys with me like this, I typically respond by ignoring them. That's what I've been doing more or less. I'm polite when he talks to me, and am not acting upset or anything like that, just not going out of my way to initiate conversation. Which means that he makes more of an attempt to talk to me. It happens every single time.

Anyway so that's what he's doing. And then the conversation goes like this-

Him-"So what are you doing with your friend while she's in town?"

Me- "I'm not really sure yet, probably going to the beach"

Him- "So I have tomorrow off and am so excited (to finally have a day off), and can't decide between doing ( he describes activity #1) and (activity #2). Maybe you guys want to do one of those....?

*A few weeks ago him and I had a conversation about activity #2.

Me- "Yay, so glad you finally have a day off! Oh yeah we've been talking about going to activity #2. That WOULD be super fun tomorrow. I'll talk to her. Let me know if you decide to go ( do #2)"

Him- with a huge smile "Well see I say I want to do those things but since it's the first day I've had off in forever, I'll probably just want to sit at home and do absolutely nothing".

Me- "Totally, I can definitely understand that! Well either way, let me know"

And I pretty much wanted to throw my medicine ball at him right then. WTF?

No seriously, What The F is he doing? I'm starting to get irritated.

August 18, 2016

That almost sounds like a scene from a romcom where two ppl dancing around each other finally find some common ground and then decide to do a mutually appealing activity separately.

Do you like movies?

Yes, yes I do!

I was thinking of going to a movie Saturday. Would you like to go to a movie Saturday?

Yes, yes I would!

Good. I'll probably see Expendables IX. What do you think you'll see?

:S

August 18, 2016

OH My GOD, this guy.

So whenever a guy toys with me like this, I typically respond by ignoring them. That's what I've been doing more or less. I'm polite when he talks to me, and am not acting upset or anything like that, just not going out of my way to initiate conversation. Which means that he makes more of an attempt to talk to me. It happens every single time.

Anyway so that's what he's doing. And then the conversation goes like this-
Him-"So what are you doing with your friend while she's in town?"
Me- "I'm not really sure yet, probably going to the beach"
Him- "So I have tomorrow off and am so excited (to finally have a day off), and can't decide between doing ( he describes activity #1) and (activity #2). Maybe you guys want to do one of those....?

*A few weeks ago him and I had a conversation about activity #2.

Me- "Yay, so glad you finally have a day off! Oh yeah we've been talking about going to activity #2. That WOULD be super fun tomorrow. I'll talk to her. Let me know if you decide to go ( do #2)"
Him- with a huge smile "Well see I say I want to do those things but since it's the first day I've had off in forever, I'll probably just want to sit at home and do absolutely nothing".
Me- "Totally, I can definitely understand that! Well either way, let me know"

And I pretty much wanted to throw my medicine ball at him right then. WTF?
No seriously, What The F is he doing? I'm starting to get irritated.

He is playing a game with you.

I think you've been underestimating him too.

He knows exactly what he's doing, and I think he knows you're into him too.

If it were me, I would just ignore.

August 18, 2016

Exactly! I feel like I'm living in some stupid romcom.

I mean if he wanted to distance himself from the notion of spending time with me outside of the gym and really was freaked out that I "asked him out", I'd think that he'd stop bringing up that conversation altogether. And I'd especially think that he'd not insert himself into my plans with my friend and dangle that idea in front of my face...

So activity #2 involves taking a train somewhere an hour away to go wine tasting. Was he basically trying to secretly tell me to meet him on the train? So we could accidentally run into each other? Why can't he just be more direct? And WHY when I'm direct, does he back down??

August 18, 2016

Bc he's a bit of a puss Amjam.

Its obvs he wants to 'go there' but he can't pull the trigger and will always take the escape hatch at the last minute if its available. (Panic over rejection or just fleeing back to safety or w/e - that's why the "probably won't" stuff.) What you have to do, if you won't just make it happen yourself, is not allow him any escape hatches.

Srsly what I would have done in your shoes is when he said "probably just want to sit at home," say "eff that, you're coming w us." And then make the plans right then and there.

A tricycle first date isn't ideal btw but if you're determined and he's scared, it might actually be for the best.

August 18, 2016

Srsly what I would have done in your shoes is when he said "probably just want to sit at home," say "eff that, you're coming w us." And then make the plans right then and there.

Right. He's been pulling herstrings for months and you recommend kicking her chase up a notch?

Come on jen, you know the game, he's playing her! Big time.

The huge smile on his face when he informed he would probably just sit home is a dead giveaway.

He's got AMJ jumping through hoops, chasing him is the LAST thing she should be doing.

AMJ... ignore ignore ignore.

You are too old to play those type of juvenile games.

August 18, 2016

LOL Jen. It's true and so disappointing.

See, I'm less determined now. This is so stupid. And his age is showing

If he's intentionally playing a game, that seems really reckless considering the ramifications for him professionally. So that doesn't really fit with this idea that he's trying to keep the trainer-client relationship professional.

I think he just wants us to happenstance wind up in the same place at the same time. That seemed to be what he was doing the last time we were talking about the festival. Either that or I wasn't convincing enough when I said I wanted to go on the train. He was even like talking about the times that you'd get on the train in the morning and then when you'd get home. Like he looked up the train arrival times already.

I feel like we are Jim and Pam on The Office. How many seasons did it take for those two to get together?

Edited August 18, 2016 by AMJ

August 18, 2016

Give me the gym number, I'll call and ask if he wants to go out w you.

August 19, 2016

So here is what I would have said when he pulled the old "i'm doing this, is that something you would like". I'd have said "are you asking out" cut through the BS. Cause I think this guy might be full of BS. That or he is just totally useless.

August 19, 2016

Oh I'm so sorry about this AMJ

I know you're not crying over it or anything but it sucks that things turned out this way

After reading through some of your recent posts, my opinion of him has changed

I still think he likes you....but not in the way you hoped or in the way I previously thought. I think he views you as a woman to look at, flirt with, take an interest in and talk to....but not outside of the gym

Which is why he never made a move in the first place...he had no intention of moving anything along...he wanted to keep it strictly at the gym

He knows what he's doing, like katiegrl said. He's still trying to keep you interested so he'll have a distraction from work...some interaction, some sexual tension....but he's not willing to do more than be a typical flirty trainer

If I were you, I'd stop feeding into his little game. I'd be cordial, but not flirty, not overly talkative. Kind of aloof. But def not butthurt...at all. Just dettached

August 19, 2016

So here is what I would have said when he pulled the old "i'm doing this, is that something you would like". I'd have said "are you asking out" cut through the BS. Cause I think this guy might be full of BS. That or he is just totally useless.

Okay but, what do I do going forward? Ignore him?

Why is he useless?

August 19, 2016

AMJ... ignore ignore ignore.

You are too old to play those type of juvenile games.

The more I ignore him though, the more he acts interested and does things like what he did today...

If there were other guys around to flirt with, that's what I'd do. But it's always just women everywhere.

August 19, 2016

I'm totally with jen on this. Force the situation. Ask him out directly with a place and time. Put him in a position to say yes or no. Once you have that answer, you can stop all of your wondering.

August 19, 2016

FWIW, my very happily married boss often asks me what my plans are for the weekend.

I highly doubt he is interested in dating me since as I said he is happily married. lol

I agree with Mystique. If he had been interested in dating you AMJ, he would have jumped all over your invite (no matter how casually executed).

And jmo but I think he does know what he is doing and knows perfectly well what to do when he is interested.

Unfortunately in this case, it just doesn't appear he is all that interested.

Do you know whether or not he has a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend?

EXACTLY.

FWIW, MY happily-married boss (who's only a year difference than me btw) also asks me what I have planned for the weekend. And he asks on a regular basis. It's basically just common etiquette. Sort of like: "How are you doing?" "What's up?", "Hey, what's new?", "What did you do last weekend?" etc. They are pretty much just common pleasantries that people exchange w/one another in kindness.....so as to make conversation and not appear rude. Nobody really cares all that much unless you two are genuine friends. They just want to hear something interesting, make conversation, etc.

A guy who is REALLY interested would have asked you on a date by now....or at the very least gotten your number.

Exactly! I feel like I'm living in some stupid romcom.

I mean if he wanted to distance himself from the notion of spending time with me outside of the gym and really was freaked out that I "asked him out", I'd think that he'd stop bringing up that conversation altogether. And I'd especially think that he'd not insert himself into my plans with my friend and dangle that idea in front of my face...

So activity #2 involves taking a train somewhere an hour away to go wine tasting. Was he basically trying to secretly tell me to meet him on the train? So we could accidentally run into each other? Why can't he just be more direct? And WHY when I'm direct, does he back down??

Because he's NOT THAT INTERESTED in you!!

I feel like Katiegrl and I have been trying to sort of give you the hint that this guy may be a time waster, but it seems to be falling on blind eyes. In fact, I've been thinking and saying from the outset that this guy doesn't seem to be all that interested, but I guess nobody believed me.

AMJ, you are so much more worthy than this. This guy sounds like a HUGE time waster.

Right. He's been pulling herstrings for months and you recommend kicking her chase up a notch?

Come on jen, you know the game, he's playing her! Big time.

The huge smile on his face when he informed he would probably just sit home is a dead giveaway.

He's got AMJ jumping through hoops, chasing him is the LAST thing she should be doing.

AMJ... ignore ignore ignore.

You are too old to play those type of juvenile games.

^^EXACTLY!

And I'm not even going to assume that he's consciously playing games with her. I think she's playing herself honestly.

This guy hasn't really shown any outward signs of being interested, still AMJ you're thinking about him and thinking of all kinds of different scenarios and puzzles as to why he's "acting" whichever way. But maybe he's not "acting"?

I don't go around calling guys "players"....SOME are....but some truly don't mean to play women. But I DO recognize true interest when I see it...and this (no offense) doesn't look like it.

The more I ignore him though, the more he acts interested and does things like what he did today...
If there were other guys around to flirt with, that's what I'd do. But it's always just women everywhere.

Trust me....I was in the same exact situation you were in years back. The guy used to do the same thing. Oh he would flirt, look at me with those "eyes', smile, even invite me places. But the point is, he wasn't moving things FORWARD. Nothing was ever progressing. No matter how much I did, no matter how many things I tried, or things I invited him to, no matter how many dates we went on, things never went further than HE wanted it to. THAT is not an accident. He WANTS it that way.

When a guy wants something to progress....believe me, he will make it known. In fact, many times I've had to SLOW the guy down because I felt he was moving too fast lol!!! THAT'S a guy who is seriously interested in you.

AMJ.....just give up. If he IS interested in you, he will definitely let you know. My guess is that he is just a guy who thinks you're attractive and likes to flirt. Nothing more. You don't really have to "do" anything honestly. Just be yourself. The YOU that you were before you started crushing on him.

I get the feeling that you're trying to look for signs from him and do things (like flirt w/other guys) in order to get some type of reaction from him. Hun...this is a sign that you haven't really let go. Maybe he will give you a reaction, but maybe he won't. Even if he DID give a reaction it would only be from his EGO. His EGO would be hurt.....not that he's harboring secret feelings for you. Trust me, my guy friend (the one I've been talking about) used to do the same thing to me, and I found myself twisting my brain into a pretzel trying to "figure him out". In reality, the answer was SIMPLE. He just wasn't as interested in me as I was in him.

I even suspect that gym trainer guy already kind of knows you sweat him.

I would just be friendly, but stop looking for signs/body language signals/hints from him. Until he's at least asked for your number or asked you out on a date, he's pretty much a time-waster imo. Being MORE direct or forcing him on a date won't change his overall mind.

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I have a crush on this guy, and I hate it.

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