I have a crush on this guy, and I hate it.

[Shining One]

Fine don't be the one to ask him out, I wouldn't either but you HAVE to step up your girlie flirt game. He needs to know you are wanting more than a trainer too.

She's already come to the conclusion that she has to be the one to make a move. See below:

I've realized he's probably never going to ask me out the way things are going since he has more at stake for crossing that line than I do (for me it's embarrassment if I'm wrong, for him it's jeopardizing his job plus embarrassment) so if it's going to happen it needs to be me to ask.

[AMJ]

 

I can see why you would be nervous around a crush but, correct me if I'm wrong but, aren't you quite a few years older than him? Let him see what a REAL woman is like! You shouldn't feel that nervous around a guy who's a lot younger than you and doesn't even have half the experience you have! If anything you should feel very powerful lol.

 

I think you're building this up in your head a LOT bigger than it really needs to be. Just treat him like a friend.

 

You read my mind! I finally did it

 

I found a reason to talk to him after class, and then said something like- it would be fun to hang out with him when he's not working. I think I caught him off guard, that was probably the last thing he was expecting me to say. But he agreed and said we definitely should, the problem is he's always working, which is why he tells people to visit him at job #2. He doesn't even know when his next day off is.

 

So....on the one hand, a guy who wanted things to progress probably would have jumped all over that. Unless he panicked a little because he wasn't expecting me to say that? Since he kinda left it hanging, it could mean this crush is totally one-sided...lol.

 

The way I asked was more platonic than not, which I wanted to do to make it less awkward if he wasn't interested. Since I do see him on a daily basis and I'm not planning on looking for a new gym anytime soon. I kinda feel like all that was doing was planting a seed, to see what happens. Ball is a little bit back in his court now. Maybe he didn't even know there was a ball, and now he does?

 

I know you guys are going to say I should have been WAY more forward but I think anything more than that would have been too much. He's not sleazy.

 

Oh and re: me being older and him being intimidated...I don't really see it that way. He doesn't act younger, he's pretty mature. He doesn't seem like an inexperienced spring chicken either. My friend who I brought with me to job #2 says him and I look the same age.. He doesn't act intimidated normally, though a few times I've done things that do seem to intimidate him. If he did act younger, intimidated, I'd probably not be attracted to him in the first place. But maybe he is, and he's just good at hiding it.

[katiegrl]

AMJ, jmo but you did it just right, perfect!

 

You are also right that had he been into you, he would have been all over that in like two seconds...

 

So now you know.

 

Sorry it didn't turn out the way you hoped and wanted, but nothing ventured nothing gained

[Imajerk17]

You read my mind! I finally did it

 

I found a reason to talk to him after class, and then said something like- it would be fun to hang out with him when he's not working. I think I caught him off guard, that was probably the last thing he was expecting me to say. But he agreed and said we definitely should, the problem is he's always working, which is why he tells people to visit him at job #2. He doesn't even know when his next day off is.

 

So....on the one hand, a guy who wanted things to progress probably would have jumped all over that. Unless he panicked a little because he wasn't expecting me to say that? Since he kinda left it hanging, it could mean this crush is totally one-sided...lol.

 

The way I asked was more platonic than not, which I wanted to do to make it less awkward if he wasn't interested. Since I do see him on a daily basis and I'm not planning on looking for a new gym anytime soon. I kinda feel like all that was doing was planting a seed, to see what happens. Ball is a little bit back in his court now. Maybe he didn't even know there was a ball, and now he does?

 

I know you guys are going to say I should have been WAY more forward but I think anything more than that would have been too much. He's not sleazy.

 

Oh and re: me being older and him being intimidated...I don't really see it that way. He doesn't act younger, he's pretty mature. He doesn't seem like an inexperienced spring chicken either. My friend who I brought with me to job #2 says him and I look the same age.. He doesn't act intimidated normally, though a few times I've done things that do seem to intimidate him. If he did act younger, intimidated, I'd probably not be attracted to him in the first place. But maybe he is, and he's just good at hiding it.

 

I think you handled it perfectly. You don't need to be wondering what if anymore because stepped up and took a chance. Awesome!

 

I definitely don't think you needed to be more forward. You gave him plenty of an "in". It's just not on you at this point to spell it out that your interest in him is romantic, all you needed to do was express interest in getting to know him better. And that's what you did.

[AMJ]

Maybe he's not interested in any women right now. Idk. I don't really know how I expected him to react when I said that...like it would have been a little weird for him to reply right back with - yeah definitely let's do something tomorrow! Because like I said, I think I've always acted uninterested and this took him by surprise....

 

Other opinions are welcome! My feelings won't get hurt by honesty....it's not like my life will end if I don't snag the adorable younger guy at my gym. But it would be super fun..

[AMJ]

I think you handled it perfectly. You don't need to be wondering what if anymore because stepped up and took a chance. Awesome!

 

I definitely don't think you needed to be more forward. You gave him plenty of an "in". It's just not on you at this point to spell it out that your interest in him is romantic, all you needed to do was express interest in getting to know him better. And that's what you did.

 

Thank you NotaJerk! But what's the verdict? Is he in or out?

[Moves Like Jagger]

You read my mind! I finally did it

 

I found a reason to talk to him after class, and then said something like- it would be fun to hang out with him when he's not working. I think I caught him off guard, that was probably the last thing he was expecting me to say. But he agreed and said we definitely should, the problem is he's always working, which is why he tells people to visit him at job #2. He doesn't even know when his next day off is.

 

So....on the one hand, a guy who wanted things to progress probably would have jumped all over that. Unless he panicked a little because he wasn't expecting me to say that? Since he kinda left it hanging, it could mean this crush is totally one-sided...lol.

 

The way I asked was more platonic than not, which I wanted to do to make it less awkward if he wasn't interested. Since I do see him on a daily basis and I'm not planning on looking for a new gym anytime soon. I kinda feel like all that was doing was planting a seed, to see what happens. Ball is a little bit back in his court now. Maybe he didn't even know there was a ball, and now he does?

 

I know you guys are going to say I should have been WAY more forward but I think anything more than that would have been too much. He's not sleazy.

 

Oh and re: me being older and him being intimidated...I don't really see it that way. He doesn't act younger, he's pretty mature. He doesn't seem like an inexperienced spring chicken either. My friend who I brought with me to job #2 says him and I look the same age.. He doesn't act intimidated normally, though a few times I've done things that do seem to intimidate him. If he did act younger, intimidated, I'd probably not be attracted to him in the first place. But maybe he is, and he's just good at hiding it.

 

You started this thread over a month ago and you still have not asked him out. This crush isn't healthy. You're 34 and you're still putting some guy that you have never dated on a pedestal. You don't know whether he would make a good boyfriend or whether you would have chemistry outside of a trainer-client relationship. You don't know how he acts around his friends and families. You're idealizing his personality all because he's good-looking and nice. Um, he has to be nice so clients continue taking his classes. The reason why you're putting things is off because you put so much pressure on yourself because he's so amazing. This infatuation is already hurting your chances because you're overanalyzing the situation instead of taking action. You're already picking apart his body language and what he is saying. There is no foolproof way of determining whether someone is interested in you unless they're return your calls and showing up on dates. Different people show interest in different ways.

 

Flirting should't be treated like some delicate operation. It should be fun and playful. It should convey that you like them, but you could walk away because you have not made any commitment yet. Instead of having fun and flirting with different guys, you're acting all serious about some guy that you never even dated. You're supposed to go on dates to find if you're compatible or not.

 

Who do you think a guy like him wants to date? A woman who is fun and flirtatious and is enjoying her life or a woman who is really serious about how things might turn out. You could have been using all this time meeting new guys and practicing your flirting skills. Instead, you're so infatuated with some guy that is not even your friend. I know this girl that developed a crush on my friend. She got all attached and ignored all his signs of his disinterest. My friend ended up cutting off all contact with her. I'm sorry. I think crushes and infatuations are something that teens and younger women have. You're 34 and you still have crushes on guys you never dated????

[AMJ]

I'm not only focused on this guy, for the record...there are a few others but nothing really interesting is happening there. Maybe you're taking the title of the thread too seriously...I don't actually hate this crush at all, it's been fun. I don't know what else to say to that except people never grow out of having crushes.

[Mystique01]

You read my mind! I finally did it

 

I found a reason to talk to him after class, and then said something like- it would be fun to hang out with him when he's not working. I think I caught him off guard, that was probably the last thing he was expecting me to say. But he agreed and said we definitely should, the problem is he's always working, which is why he tells people to visit him at job #2. He doesn't even know when his next day off is.

 

So....on the one hand, a guy who wanted things to progress probably would have jumped all over that. Unless he panicked a little because he wasn't expecting me to say that? Since he kinda left it hanging, it could mean this crush is totally one-sided...lol.

 

The way I asked was more platonic than not, which I wanted to do to make it less awkward if he wasn't interested. Since I do see him on a daily basis and I'm not planning on looking for a new gym anytime soon. I kinda feel like all that was doing was planting a seed, to see what happens. Ball is a little bit back in his court now. Maybe he didn't even know there was a ball, and now he does?

 

I know you guys are going to say I should have been WAY more forward but I think anything more than that would have been too much. He's not sleazy.

 

Oh and re: me being older and him being intimidated...I don't really see it that way. He doesn't act younger, he's pretty mature. He doesn't seem like an inexperienced spring chicken either. My friend who I brought with me to job #2 says him and I look the same age.. He doesn't act intimidated normally, though a few times I've done things that do seem to intimidate him. If he did act younger, intimidated, I'd probably not be attracted to him in the first place. But maybe he is, and he's just good at hiding it.

YES!!!!! FINALLY!!

 

Now we're finally getting somewhere!

 

Good for you AMJ on going for it and making an effort so that you can see whether something happen with this guy or not.

 

Maybe you didn't get the response you wanted, but at least NOW it is out there and something can happen, or not.

 

That's worth so much more than continuing to agonize over a guy without anything having a chance to develop right?

 

Now the ball is squarely in his court, and you can rest easy, knowing that if he's interested, he will do something.

 

From what I've gathered already this thread, I'm not so sure he is interested, since if were, I would have thought he would have at least asked for your number after you told him you two should hang out. But whatever..... I mentioned already in this thread pages back that anytime had to wonder so hard if a guy was interested, it usually meant wasn't. But I guess time will tell in your situation.

 

 

Maybe he's not interested in any women right now. Idk. I don't really know how I expected him to react when I said that...like it would have been a little weird for him to reply right back with - yeah definitely let's do something tomorrow! Because like I said, I think I've always acted uninterested and this took him by surprise....

 

Other opinions are welcome! My feelings won't get hurt by honesty....it's not like my life will end if I don't snag the adorable younger guy at my gym. But it would be super fun..

STOP analyzing!!!

 

There's really no need to analyze anything anymore. You've put it pour there, and you can now rest easy cuz the ball is in his court New.

 

 

You started this thread over a month ago and you still have not asked him out. This crush isn't healthy. You're 34 and you're still putting some guy that you have never dated on a pedestal. You don't know whether he would make a good boyfriend or whether you would have chemistry outside of a trainer-client relationship. You don't know how he acts around his friends and families. You're idealizing his personality all because he's good-looking and nice. Um, he has to be nice so clients continue taking his classes. The reason why you're putting things is off because you put so much pressure on yourself because he's so amazing. This infatuation is already hurting your chances because you're overanalyzing the situation instead of taking action. You're already picking apart his body language and what he is saying. There is no foolproof way of determining whether someone is interested in you unless they're return your calls and showing up on dates. Different people show interest in different ways.

 

Flirting should't be treated like some delicate operation. It should be fun and playful. It should convey that you like them, but you could walk away because you have not made any commitment yet. Instead of having fun and flirting with different guys, you're acting all serious about some guy that you never even dated. You're supposed to go on dates to find if you're compatible or not.

 

Who do you think a guy like him wants to date? A woman who is fun and flirtatious and is enjoying her life or a woman who is really serious about how things might turn out. You could have been using all this time meeting new guys and practicing your flirting skills. Instead, you're so infatuated with some guy that is not even your friend. I know this girl that developed a crush on my friend. She got all attached and ignored all his signs of his disinterest. My friend ended up cutting off all contact with her. I'm sorry. I think crushes and infatuations are something that teens and younger women have. You're 34 and you still have crushes on guys you never dated????

I actually agree with you on many accounts

[AMJ]

If nothing else, it's safe to say I hate having the ball in my court. I am so happy being a woman.

[joseb]

Maybe he's not interested in any women right now. Idk. I don't really know how I expected him to react when I said that...like it would have been a little weird for him to reply right back with - yeah definitely let's do something tomorrow! Because like I said, I think I've always acted uninterested and this took him by surprise....

 

Other opinions are welcome! My feelings won't get hurt by honesty....it's not like my life will end if I don't snag the adorable younger guy at my gym. But it would be super fun..

 

Well done on asking him out. I wasnt clear from your post what exactly his response was, but I do think if he was interested he would have said something like "sure how about a drink Wednesday".

That is what I would have done anyway.

 

I guess it's possible he is a bit interested but has a lot of other girls on the go, so wants to keep you as an option for later.

 

If I were you I'd write him off totally at this stage, and if it does turn out he asked you out it will be a pleasant surprise.

[AMJ]

I'm not holding my breath- lol. His response was positive (Yeah! We definitely should hang out!) but he was a bit flustered and caught off guard, and started talking about never having a day off, and a few other things. That could mean a few things, right.. I just remembered he was telling me about how strict the gym is with certain policies...so maybe there is a policy about dating members or clients. I know I wrote that off to begin with, only because I could care less...but he probably cares a lot, it's his job, not mine.

 

Also, when I was working that many hours, I didn't have time for dating either. He hasn't had a day off in nearly a month. When I was working that much, I always felt bad because guys would ask me out and I'd kinda keep stringing them along since I did want to go out with them but literally didn't have time. This one guy was cool with seeing me only once a month for like four months and then finally I just told him he needed to forget about me...so the working too many hours thing sometimes is an excuse, but sometimes it's a legit problem.

 

Other girls- I'd be surprised if he didn't have other girls in the orbit right now. I don't really care about that. I'm not trying to marry him or anything.

 

Idk I do think also he possibly was just surprised and therefore didn't respond as smoothly as we'd all like to be. When I said that it really did come out of nowhere. Or maybe he hadn't really thought it was a possibility but now he's thinking about it. Who knows, it could be a combination of all these things. One thing for sure, I do know that I was not at all expecting him to respond setting up a date. I got the reaction I pretty much expected. There's always more to our conversations than I post here, partially because I forget some, partially because I try to just give the highlights.

 

Everyone wants me to stop analyzing but I am actually an analyst so that's just what I do. I'm not stressed out about this at all, if something happens- great, if not- that's fine too. But yeah bottom line, if he's interested, he knows what to do.

Edited August 14, 2016 by AMJ

[Imajerk17]

Thank you NotaJerk! But what's the verdict? Is he in or out?

 

Hi AMJ, it could go either way, but I am going to go with maybe 30/70 yes/no (sorry). If I were into someone and she asked me to hang out sometime, I wouldn't have left anything to chance and I would have set something up then and there (if I wasn't the one who had asked her to hang out first that is). BUT, there have been plenty of instances where a woman bold enough to express her interest in us sparks attraction, so boldness is a turn-on and it isn't gender specific.

 

He could be busy with work, or he may not be over someone else. Truly the answer is in the end whether he follows up with you or not.

[Popsicle]

I don't think he's going to make a move. Why that is is beyond me, but some guys just can't pull the trigger. So, what that means is that you have to decide if you are willing to pull the trigger and ask him out yourself. If you are, then just do it and ask where his next gig is and go. If not, then just write him off.

[Mystique01]

I'm not holding my breath- lol. His response was positive (Yeah! We definitely should hang out!) but he was a bit flustered and caught off guard, and started talking about never having a day off, and a few other things. That could mean a few things, right.. I just remembered he was telling me about how strict the gym is with certain policies...so maybe there is a policy about dating members or clients. I know I wrote that off to begin with, only because I could care less...but he probably cares a lot, it's his job, not mine.

 

Also, when I was working that many hours, I didn't have time for dating either. He hasn't had a day off in nearly a month. When I was working that much, I always felt bad because guys would ask me out and I'd kinda keep stringing them along since I did want to go out with them but literally didn't have time. This one guy was cool with seeing me only once a month for like four months and then finally I just told him he needed to forget about me...so the working too many hours thing sometimes is an excuse, but sometimes it's a legit problem.

 

Other girls- I'd be surprised if he didn't have other girls in the orbit right now. I don't really care about that. I'm not trying to marry him or anything.

 

Idk I do think also he possibly was just surprised and therefore didn't respond as smoothly as we'd all like to be. When I said that it really did come out of nowhere. Or maybe he hadn't really thought it was a possibility but now he's thinking about it. Who knows, it could be a combination of all these things. One thing for sure, I do know that I was not at all expecting him to respond setting up a date. I got the reaction I pretty much expected. There's always more to our conversations than I post here, partially because I forget some, partially because I try to just give the highlights.

 

Everyone wants me to stop analyzing but I am actually an analyst so that's just what I do. I'm not stressed out about this at all, if something happens- great, if not- that's fine too. But yeah bottom line, if he's interested, he knows what to do.

 

Ask yourself this......if HE had been the one to tell you "hey, we should hang out sometime!", would YOU have responded in the way that he did? Answer honestly!

[AMJ]

Ask yourself this......if HE had been the one to tell you "hey, we should hang out sometime!", would YOU have responded in the way that he did? Answer honestly!

 

Okay well, that's the thing though- you're missing the point of me being his client. The only reason I made the move to begin with is because I realized that he'd never cross that line. If he were just a member at the gym like me, I'd agree with your point. I also left out this detail which is actually probably a little more important:

 

There's this room that connects to the room him and I were in, which staff are always coming and going from, it connects to a different part of the gym so sometimes we can't tell if staff are in there. Right after he said "Yeah, definitely we should do something" he kinda jumped over to see if any of his coworkers were in there, because they'd be able to hear us. No one was there- I'd not even put him in that position if that were the case- but I'm now realizing that he probably is really concerned about that. And when I think about it, the gym probably does give him a lot of grief about acting professionally and not sleeping around with members. It's a family owned business, not a big chain gym.

 

What I'm wondering is, if he's really not interested, then why did he act interested all of those times? There are a lot of little things he's done that I didn't mention here. Or, why was he so flustered when I asked him out? He's a confident guy, it doesn't make sense why he'd be flustered about that. When people ask me out and I'm not interested, I don't get all nervous about it, I just calmly say no thanks. So something's definitely up with him, I'm just not sure what. Idk I've been wrong about lots of things when it comes to guys...but I'm usually never wrong about knowing when a guy is into me.

 

Are we bored with updates or should I keep this thread going, lol? This is the most g-rated story on here I'm sure.

[katiegrl]

For me when a man asks me out and I am not interested, it makes me very uncomfortable (and a bit nervous and hesitant) ... I know I have to reject which is always awkward.

 

If we work together, I might say "sure" but think of reasons why I cannot, just like he did.

 

If he were some anonymous guy I met at a bar or club I would feel more comfortable saying, "thank you, but not interested" but again you are a client, so it's an awkward and somewhat precarious situation.

 

Short of him telling you, no not interested, he declined as politely as he could without risk of offending or losing you as a client.

 

If there was a policy against dating clients, or he had a gf, he would have told you. Easy peasey.

 

"Sounds fun, but I have a gf, so wouldn't be cool.". Or "sounds fun but we are not allowed to fraternize with clients outside the gym."

 

Something like that.

 

The fact he said sure but came up with several (bogus) excuses speaks volumes.

 

I wouldn't be giving him a second thought if I were you.

Edited August 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited ~ V

[jen1447]

I'm not sure why some ppl are saying this was a no ....it sounds like the expected response from a guy who's shown time and time again that he's afraid to pull the trigger.

 

And Amjam you know that means if you leave it in his court it's unlikely anything will happen.

 

Ask. Him. Out. Don't invite him to ask you out or wait for him to invite you to invite him to feel safe enough to ask you out, etc., etc. You have to do it.

[AMJ]

I thought that was me asking him out. Lol.

 

I agree he's afraid for some reason (Idk why...its not like I'm going to hurt him) and that's a little bit of a turnoff unfortunately.

[Shining One]

I thought that was me asking him out.

If a guy had approached you in this fashion, would you have considered yourself "asked out"?

[Shining One]

I agree he's afraid for some reason (Idk why...its not like I'm going to hurt him) and that's a little bit of a turnoff unfortunately.

As you have mentioned, it's a work situation for him. He has to be extra cautious. Furthermore, you haven't clearly expressed interest... you merely said it would be fun to hang out outside of the gym. I've had female work acquaintances (vendors mostly) say the same thing. In my younger, more naïve days, I misconstrued that as interest on her part. Now, I'm more cautious with women in my work environment, unless she is sending clear signs of interest.

[Grisho]

AMJ, this thread is so lovely - you've shown your warmth, light-heartedness, humility and willingness to let us all chime in. Thank you.

 

I favour a different approach. I think you should just focus on building a solid friendship with him. It seems you have loads in common, and friendship shouldn't scare either 1 of you away during these tempestuous early days.

 

Plan a BBQ with your friends (in a park somewhere would be lovely), and invite him along, encouraging him to feel free to bring his friends along, too.

[jen1447]

I thought that was me asking him out. Lol.

 

I agree he's afraid for some reason (Idk why...its not like I'm going to hurt him) and that's a little bit of a turnoff unfortunately.

 

Yeah, that'll put out the fire faster than anything. Your balls are bigger than his.

[joseb]

I dunno, I've a hard time thinking a gym Pt is the shy type afraid to ask girls out if he is interested.

Maybe it's a bigger deal in the states, but over here I think a lot do it to hook up with clients.

Edited August 15, 2016 by joseb

[AMJ]

If a guy had approached you in this fashion, would you have considered yourself "asked out"?

 

I had to think about this one. I'm not really sure

I'd probably be suspicious but still a little confused. Which is kinda how I wanted him to feel. Maybe if I had been more direct his response would be less ambiguous? Something tells me it wouldn't have mattered much. I really think the main reason he was so flustered is that he really did not at all expect me to say that to him.

 

Back to your question though, I typically think any guy who ever wants to spend time with me is trying to date me or hook up with me. Women don't seem to wind up in the 'friend zone' as often as men do.

 

As you have mentioned, it's a work situation for him. He has to be extra cautious. Furthermore, you haven't clearly expressed interest... you merely said it would be fun to hang out outside of the gym. I've had female work acquaintances (vendors mostly) say the same thing. In my younger, more naïve days, I misconstrued that as interest on her part. Now, I'm more cautious with women in my work environment, unless she is sending clear signs of interest.

 

I'll keep that in mind...haha. Very, VERY direct signals

 

AMJ, this thread is so lovely - you've shown your warmth, light-heartedness, humility and willingness to let us all chime in. Thank you.

 

I favour a different approach. I think you should just focus on building a solid friendship with him. It seems you have loads in common, and friendship shouldn't scare either 1 of you away during these tempestuous early days.

 

Plan a BBQ with your friends (in a park somewhere would be lovely), and invite him along, encouraging him to feel free to bring his friends along, too.

 

Thank you Grisho! That was a very nice thing to say. Talking about him makes me happy, and I'm grateful you all are obliging me

 

I actually agree with you- re: moving slower, no pressure, just being friends. I was telling my friend Sarah this story yesterday and she gave the same advice.

 

Yeah, that'll put out the fire faster than anything. Your balls are bigger than his.

 

Ahhh, story of my life Jen.

 

I dunno, I've a hard time thinking a gym Pt is the shy type afraid to ask girls out if he is interested.

Maybe it's a bigger deal in the states, but over here I think a lot do it to hook up with clients.

 

In my experience the types of trainers who hook up with their clients and are known for it, hook up with pretty much all of their clients. If my guy were like that, I think he probably would have tried to make it happen already.

 

But I know what you mean. It's weird that he's suddenly shy.