DDay 12 and feeling very down

[Opossum]

I get the whole "open" thing, but you have effectively closed down a means of support for YOU when things get really tough.

You will have no place to vent to or to share your innermost thoughts amongst strangers, as your husband will always be reading everything you write, (no doubt on here or on any other forum you care to tell your story to).

He will be thinking, assessing and then modifying his behaviour to suit, telling you what you want to hear...

Most use LS as a bolt-hole, LS can now never be your bolt-hole, you just let the fox into the warren.

 

YOU are so busy "including" your husband, and reading everything in sight and are working so hard on "fixing" your marriage, when the truth is, your husband's remedy to "fix" that same marriage was to have sex with someone else.

All he needs to do now is to act nice, say the right things (prompted by your postings on here), have the best sex of his life and he then gets to breathe a huge sigh of relief...

No doubt at some point he will tell you to drop it and move on.

Will he learn his lesson and learn to "behave" in the future, who knows?

...Meanwhile, you are in hell.

 

I never though t about it that way. I thought it was a way to help him understand how tormenting this is for me and to see, as well, what others had to say and somehow enlighten him more. Bad choice? Maybe, but I am working through this the best way I can and am making decisions based on my situatuion.

[Lobe]

I never though t about it that way. I thought it was a way to help him understand how tormenting this is for me and to see, as well, what others had to say and somehow enlighten him more. Bad choice? Maybe, but I am working through this the best way I can and am making decisions based on my situatuion.

 

Why would coming to a public anonymous forum and reading responses from strangers be of any benefit to him if he is not truly remorseful or interested? You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. It's too soon after d-day for him to be truly remorseful yet - if he hasn't taken the affair underground, then he is likely going through withdrawal and trying to mourn the loss of his AP without letting you know how sad he is. Not that I have so much an ounce of sympathy for waywards and their self-pity after getting busted, but if you don't recognize and acknowledge that your husband is going through a break-up, you can't begin to understand why it still feels like he's not there for you 100% yet. He may be going through the motions but I suspect regret over the affair itself and not just over getting caught won't hit him for a few more weeks.

 

I will reiterate that he should read this if he hasn't: http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf

 

Are you in MC? IC?

[Opossum]

Why would coming to a public anonymous forum and reading responses from strangers be of any benefit to him if he is not truly remorseful or interested? You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. It's too soon after d-day for him to be truly remorseful yet - if he hasn't taken the affair underground, then he is likely going through withdrawal and trying to mourn the loss of his AP without letting you know how sad he is. Not that I have so much an ounce of sympathy for waywards and their self-pity after getting busted, but if you don't recognize and acknowledge that your husband is going through a break-up, you can't begin to understand why it still feels like he's not there for you 100% yet. He may be going through the motions but I suspect regret over the affair itself and not just over getting caught won't hit him for a few more weeks.

 

I will reiterate that he should read this if he hasn't: http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf

 

Are you in MC? IC?

 

My husband ended his A four months before I found out about it so I dont think the "breakup " part applies to him.He already had a headstart. I could be wrong. He ended the affair when she got emotional and said it never was on his part. That is one of the things I question. He also was already on different forums for himself, reading and looking so I told him about mine and he asked if I would tell him what I wrote so I just let him read it himself. Its not like I am forcing him to the water. It may have been a bad idea to some that I shared this with him but like I said before we are doing what we feel is right for our situation.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know one question for sure which is "did you have intercourse more than 3 times?" She gave him oral the first night so I am not sure if that could give a false reading. Thoughts?

 

What difference would the answer make? Is there some "marital deductible" that 4 times exceeds but 3 doesn't?

 

Why not ask questions that have a direct bearing on your future?

 

Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

Opossum. Has your husband given you the names of the forums he's been visiting? Have you been able to read back from the start to get a better understanding of what he's been going through?

 

There are & have been some couples who post on the same forums, very successfully but I think that most (if not all of them) are years into reconciliation.

 

If BOTH of you are completely & utterly dedicated to reconciling, healing, building a new totally honest & transparent, PARTNERSHIP marriage then BOTH of you reading & posting here could work....I think....possibly.

 

That was a fantasy that I had for a while after my H devastated me. We always had (I believed) a very special, close, share everything & anything kind of relationship. I thought it could be incredibly helpful for both my H & I to be Love Shack members (& I believed that it could help others to follow our journey.)

 

No chance! I'm way too worried to even invite him to read. I need this place!!

 

Sadly we are still nowhere near the kind of emotional place that would be needed for it to work in any positive way.

 

As others have stated, you've lost many of the advantages that being a member of an anonymous forum brings.

 

Maybe you could gain a lot more by posting & answering together. It would be very brave though & not for the weak of heart. Total dedication to giving everything to build a stronger, better, safer marriage. I don't know!

 

I DO know that I was in a very different place this soon after D-Day than you guys seem to be. We are all different & affairs are all different but so very often, 'the song remains the same'.

 

Best wishes. The pain is beyond compare. Please keep coming here. It really was a lifesaver for me....I live in the USA & my family & friends are in the UK. I was so frightened & so alone. It's vitally important to have people that you can lean-on. Learnt that the hard way!!

 

 

Once you've been a member here & made a certain number of posts (can't remember how many??) you get the 'privilege' of private messaging with the other members here.

 

I read as many relevant posts as I could to learn other members experiences. I questioned, discussed & comizerated where I could. I found I had enough posts to get the privileges very quickly. I met some very special friends here & received great support. This & journaling stopped me from loosing my little mind at times.

[66Charger]

Well since the "husband" is reading...

 

Just for curious, lets switch the chit. Picture your wife who had a lover.

 

But only had sex 3 times

 

Plus 1 oral (thats a tough one, isnt it, what a visual)

 

You did your wife dirty and if she hadn't clued you into this site, these women here MAY have her divorced from you by Christmas.

 

Perhaps you should sign in and defend yourself.

Edited July 19, 2016 by 66Charger

[Cloudcuckoo]

I am inclined to agree with Shattered in that this forum works well as a place of sanctuary for many.

 

While sharing that with ones other half might be a possibility in some cases, I am only aware of one that appears to work very well here.

 

I do believe that sometimes we are wise to keep a little in reserve. Particularly after the excruciating fallout from an affair. At least until our security feels less threatened.

 

You are managing your situation remarkably well at the moment, but that in itself is tremendously hard work isn't it?

 

Perhaps your husband could further lighten your burden by doing the essential heavy lifting for you while you both navigate this awful stormy water.

 

Wishing you peaceful moments wherever you can find them. Lots of luck.

 

Cuckoo

[heartwhole]

Re the polygraph, maybe change the wording to, "Did you have more than 4 sexual encounters with her?"

[Lobe]

My husband ended his A four months before I found out about it so I dont think the "breakup " part applies to him.He already had a headstart. I could be wrong. He ended the affair when she got emotional and said it never was on his part. That is one of the things I question. He also was already on different forums for himself, reading and looking so I told him about mine and he asked if I would tell him what I wrote so I just let him read it himself. Its not like I am forcing him to the water. It may have been a bad idea to some that I shared this with him but like I said before we are doing what we feel is right for our situation.

 

Sorry for missing the part where the A was over already. I still vote that affairs fill an emotional need, even if it's nothing more than emotionally detached ego kibbles - the conquest for extramarital sex happens for a lot of reasons, ranging from boredom to kink to convenience. If it was just sex for ego kibbles then HE needs to start figuring out why he went outside the marriage. Has he offered an explanation for why/how it happened?

 

I'm with Charger - if he's here it'd be nice to hear from him.

 

I still concur that the polygraph is probably a waste of money - they are inaccurate and can easily be fooled with something as simple as popping a valium.

 

Are you or him in counselling either alone or together?

[merrmeade]

I agree with lobe and don't think it's good or bad he's reading. I do think it's totally up to her.

 

I used to WISH like hell my husband would want to read it. Maybe he'd understand and see how I really felt.

 

The other thing is - wtf, guys? The whole point is to HAVE an open, honest, sharing, caring - and all the rest - perfect marriage. That possibility was blown to smithereens by the A, so the R is in part about opening up and gaining insight, reflection about how the partner feels. As long as that's what they both think and they're talking.

 

Why would she want to keep this from him? To gain an edge so she can trick him? Well, that would wash if he were also actively deceiving her. And we don't really know that he is; we simply know patterns and what they usually do. So fine. Tell her that. Let him read it. All the better. If he's studying for the purpose of getting away with covering his ass and trying to not to be pinned down to details or something, THAT will play out between them. She's getting it; she'll see it.

 

Hell, I think this is just another way to go about getting what she needs - the truth, confirmation that he 'gets everything' she gets, etc. Another way that has advantages and disadvantages but totally viable for the goals she's chosen - so far.

 

And that's another point: She constantly adds that caveat - so far or for the time being, etc. He couldn't possibly misinterpret what that means.

[Opossum]

I agree with lobe and don't think it's good or bad he's reading. I do think it's totally up to her.

 

I used to WISH like hell my husband would want to read it. Maybe he'd understand and see how I really felt.

 

The other thing is - wtf, guys? The whole point is to HAVE an open, honest, sharing, caring - and all the rest - perfect marriage. That possibility was blown to smithereens by the A, so the R is in part about opening up and gaining insight, reflection about how the partner feels. As long as that's what they both think and they're talking.

 

Why would she want to keep this from him? To gain an edge so she can trick him? Well, that would wash if he were also actively deceiving her. And we don't really know that he is; we simply know patterns and what they usually do. So fine. Tell her that. Let him read it. All the better. If he's studying for the purpose of getting away with covering his ass and trying to not to be pinned down to details or something, THAT will play out between them. She's getting it; she'll see it.

 

Hell, I think this is just another way to go about getting what she needs - the truth, confirmation that he 'gets everything' she gets, etc. Another way that has advantages and disadvantages but totally viable for the goals she's chosen - so far.

 

And that's another point: She constantly adds that caveat - so far or for the time being, etc. He couldn't possibly misinterpret what that means.

 

Thank you. I did join this forum so that I could get some support and insight from others who are or have been in my situation. My H and I have both been very open about his A and I thought a great deal about whether or not to share this with him and in the end I felt this was what was best for me. So far it is helping both of us. There is nothing that I would post on here that I would not talk to him about and have no desire to be sneaky. Sometimes I have a hard time expressing myself with him right now and by having him read what I post in here and in turn read the comments it helps him to "get it" a little more. I get that some members dont agree and its not what they would do but the situation surrounding his A is ours to deal with how we think is best. Thanks for the support merreade:)

[Chefsteve]

Hello everyone, I am Opossum's WS. I am very grateful my wife has exposed me to LS. I belive it is allowing my to better understand the full extent of the pain and damage I have caused. By the way I have previously posted on this site on my own, in case you would like to read it. For the record my wife posts on other forums as well and I respectfully do not ask to see them. I feel there is a great benefit in her having a safe place to anonymously air things out and get feed back. I made the biggest mistake of my life and I just want to help her to heal anyway I can and find the root cause of my infidelity. As for my skeptics, I get it and I don't take it personally. There is only one person in which it matters if they feel I'm sincere and she is very intuitive and will know in due time.

[merrmeade]

As for my skeptics, I get it and I don't take it personally. There is only one person in which it matters if they feel I'm sincere and she is very intuitive and will know in due time.

Just keep 'getting it.'

 

Mr. Opossum, I would advise you to look up Mrs. John Adams and read her posts from as far back as you can (I think it's been a couple of years). Or anywhere. She's a WS that keeps 'getting it.' She doesn't care whether we think she gets it and her remorse is always front and present. Just read it.

 

Opossum, it's also not true that couples haven't posted together in this forum before. There's been one that have been on and off for a couple of years. I think he posted in your thread. As I recall, people asked them both questions. It was different though because they in a kind of 2nd reconciliation. You're very fresh. And, frankly - although I SAID it's up to you and you are trying to start over on the right foot together, i.e., everything out in the open - BUT I do agree that you need somewhere that's YOUR own, with someone to let down and let it out or whatever you need to discuss without weighing everything you say for how he'll feel. I think that's probably what they were saying earlier.

 

In fact, along that line there's a school of thought that you shouldn't do couples counseling right after discovering the affair. The BS especially needs to get over the trauma with therapy and time and THEN decide what to do about the spouse. I had a therapist tell me that in the first week. I flat out rejected the idea because I was so obsessed with getting the information - all the information. Seems to me you're a little bit there - still doubting you have it all.

 

Anyway, whether you go off and take care of you, whether you stay there and work together or do a blend of both, I still think what I said first on this thread: You have a healthy sense of what to do with the advice you get AND you 'got it' quickly that you don't have to agree to anything for as long as you need. You can stay guarded and weighing things. He can do what he wants with that.

 

But that's another thing: Most of us never get to the place we were before, where you just say okay, I believe you now and that you want to fix this the right way, etc, etc, so let's start over and I'll fully trust you, no questions asked. But maybe that's another discussion for another day maybe.

 

I don't really know much.

Edited July 21, 2016 by merrmeade

[Opossum]

Thank you merrmeade for your response and input. I do have a great place that I vent some of my more private thoughts to and my H knows but does not know which one it is. I believe him when he says he will not look for it. I understand that it's not for everyone but I feel good about my decision.I know that I am still early on in the process (4 wks Saturday) but I am a smart woman and can recognize my part in our unhappy marriage. He of course is 100% responsible for the current destruction of our marriage but I know why he was unhappy. Yes I was unhappy too in the emotional department but I chose to be a better, stronger person. I know I am not perfect, I admit I wasnt meeting his needs but if I had wanted to I could have chose to do what he did and find another man to fill that void left by him. I realize that nothing will ever be the same, that even if we get through this there will always be that little piece of my heart missing.

 

We have talked a bit about individual counseling first before mc and is something we are considering. In the meantime we are reading everything we can and just taking it a day at a time.

[Opossum]

 

 

 

I don't really know much.

 

I think you know a good bit. Thank you for all of your replies:)

[66Charger]

 

I realize that nothing will ever be the same, that even if we get through this there will always be that little piece of my heart missing. .

 

This is the true price you paid.

 

You really hurt this woman.

 

Look at her. Then look in your mirror.

 

Wishing you both the best that you can be.

[merrmeade]

I realize that nothing will ever be the same, that even if we get through this there will always be that little piece of my heart missing.

 

We have talked a bit about individual counseling first before mc and is something we are considering. In the meantime we are reading everything we can and just taking it a day at a time.

Probably a big piece.

 

I'd really urge you to do the IC. It seems like a reasonable compromise. I think everybody's reeling from the after-effects. imho you should get your husband in there right away while he's so willing and verbal about wanting to understand why he did it. That is a huge thing that I so wanted and never would get. My husband is too threatened by counseling and comes up with other excuses.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I made the biggest mistake of my life and I just want to help her to heal anyway I can.

 

You can start by referring to it as a choice from now on.