DDay 12 and feeling very down

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

And now the offered suggestion is to "tell off" the OW for "satisfaction" while continuing to share a bed with the man who broke his marriage vow.

 

Yep. There are countless threads on here where BS's regret not giving the OP a piece of their mind. You can be a part of that group, or part of the group that got it all off their chest. I chose the latter and am thankful for it. PLus I gave OP some very sleepless nights wondering which night I was going to show up at his door with clenched fists. Ahhh...still makes me smile to this day. Much more satisfying than the feeling of letting them get off scott free.

 

 

 

Umm.. the biggest culprit is the WH, not the OW. It is the WH who chose to unzip his pants; it's the WH who was then basking in newly found "I'm so wanted" feeling.

 

I mean, please do take off the steam by screaming at the minor criminal while making peace and building a future with the major mastermind and the lead criminal.

 

Minor criminal? I don't see it that way. One guy robs the bank, one guy drives the getaway car. Which is the minor criminal?

 

Sure, the OP owes me nothing, but he certainly knew what he was risking didn't he? To let them off with absolutely no consequence...I dunno.

 

After the ass whopping my OP got, he is probably unlikely to ever mess with another man's wife.

[Lady2163]

Saturday will make 3 weeks since my dday and so far my WH is saying and doing everything right according to what I have read about someone who is truly remorseful. I am taking that with a grain of salt because I have also read that true remorse takes time and it is unlikely to happen this quick. I dont know. He sticks by his story that it was 4 times (1 oral, 3 Intercourse) over a 4 month period and that he ended it 4 months prior to me finding out. He said he realized what he was doing and what he could lose. He swears there was no emotional connection that it was just sex and feeling wanted. But really 4 times in 4 months, is that really believable? He says he will take a polly graph but he also knows that would be a hardship right now.

 

I want to contact the OW and see what her story is. He says he will support and do anything I want but he doesnt think its a good idea. Thoughts?

 

 

I would want to know WHY he doesn't want you to contact the OW.

 

Will she be hostile to you? That's a valid reason.

Was there really nothing between them but just sex and she will be uninterested? Valid.

Did it end poorly and she might lie just to sabotage him? Valid and it creates doubt.

He is lying. Not valid.

 

It has been over two years since I ended things with MM. If wife called me now, I'd be polite, but not very detailed. I don't think he will ever cheat again. I don't think any suspicion was ever raised or verbalized. He seemed relatively open and confident when he spoke to me about the normalcy of his home life.

 

I do NOT reccomend calling her and screaming and giving her any kind of what for. In these days of easy recording in the heat of the moment yiu could cross the line. A restraining order isn't a badge of honor. Even having a police report filed could make things worse rather than better. Most of my jobs have had some parallel interactions with the police. My workplaces would have found out if I was making threatening or harassing phone calls.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Contact the ow? What for?

 

Do you want to stay in the marriage? Are you willing to do all the work it takes to reconcile for the rest of your life?

 

Is your cheating husband willing to accept full responsibility even 30 years from now?

 

Contacting the ow will prove nothing. She was willing to stab you in the heart just like your husband was

 

You either decide to give him another chance or you don't. There is no right or wrong answer.

 

The ow is not going to help you decide

[Lady Hamilton]

Not worth it.

 

One of two things could happen... Either she will lock down and tell you nothing, maybe get in touch with him and tell him you were reaching out to her.... Or she'll tell you everything. And if she tells you everything, she'll either tell you exactly what he told you, making you wonder if they rehearsed their story, or she won't. Then you find yourself trying to figure out if this person who lied to you is lying, or that person who lied to you is lying. Both have a reason to lie, so neither one is more reliable than the other.

 

Best to weigh out what you're doing next and focus on that.

 

Threats and game playing, that stuff is pointless. As often as not the OW isn't trembling in fear over the BS and the behavior just verifies that the BS truly is whatever the WS made them out to be.

[Opossum]

I appreciate everyones thoughts. My goal was not to harass or be hostile with OW and have gone back and forth with the idea, tbh. Everything is still so new and I am still obsess over the details. I want to believe him and sometimes I honestly dont know if I want to hear any more. We are working towards R but we both understand that decision can change as we move through counseling. There a lot of things I want to work on with myself and we have already identified the issues in our marriage. Now its time to do the work.

 

I have tried telling myself not to give her any power over me, which is somtimes easier said than done but its doable. Some of you had some great points and for now I am going to leave that can of worms closed. I will continue to try and move forward and hope that I don't have blinders on.

[Jersey born raised]

This link is to a thread that is actually at the top fnthis forum.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

It may help him clarify what needs to be done,

[merrmeade]

Contacting the OW is a really bad idea in my opinion. Maybe a few people get satisfaction telling her off, but frankly I think this is actually the first time I've heard that it's even a thing and many people have done it and been glad.

 

Not that it matters which group is bigger, but I think more people have had the experience that I had and that is that the OW has zero interest in cooperating with anything you ask or want to know. Her main interest is protecting him - maybe because she assumes you're going to take it out on him. Either way she has NO INTEREST in helping you or connecting with you. That's the situation I've heard about the most.

 

Furthermore it can be very upsetting. This person cannot feel anything but antipathy for you and so whether she answers or doesn't, she'll treat you as she feels and it can be devastating to you to realize someone could be so indifferent to how you feel and, worse, be happy if you're hurting because she's hurting.

 

You don't want to do this to yourself. It can traumatizing.

[elaine567]

I want to contact the OW and see what her story is. He says he will support and do anything I want but he doesnt think its a good idea. Thoughts?

 

Contacting the OP is a really bad idea when you have already alerted the husband that you are thinking of doing so.

 

YOU have to take on board Burnt's idea that your husband is the criminal mastermind here, and not the friendly detective sent to help you solve the crime.

YOU: Should I send the police to check out that warehouse down at the harbour?

Criminal mastermind: NO, a complete waste of your time, who would put it there, far too obvious?

YOU: OK you are right, where should I look?

Criminal mastemind: Try looking in the yacht...

 

Meanwhile...

Criminal mastermind: Move the gear out of that warehouse at the harbour and move it to your mate's basement ASAP, she won't look there and you have never seen me down at that warehouse by the harbour.

Accomplice: OK boss, understood.

[elaine567]

Shaming and beating up mistresses in the street appears to be a new trend.

 

Something to think about, maybe????....

[66Charger]

Not letting anyone walk over you and calling out bad behaviour is hopefully the new trend.

 

And to RESPECTFULLY use the same analogy.

 

Accomplice: Your honor, I did not steal the money

 

Judge: Did you know he was going to rob the bank? Did you drive the gettaway car. DID YOU SPEND THE MONEY.

 

Acomplice: Yes

 

Judge: Then you are guilty too, Stop with the "I am innocent" 10 years.

 

If you knew, then you are just as guilty. Anything else is a bald face lie. This new word "shaming" is just a way for those who do dirt, to try to avoid responsibility. Its like saying, yes I did bad things but dont call me out on it or else you are a bully and made me cry. (Camera closeup as a tear rolls down). WTF?

 

How about just looking someone in the eye and saying, I did wrong, without the drama. Easier said than done, and there are a few apologies I still owe, out there.

 

Regardless, the effort to blur the lines between right and wrong needs to be fought and defeated. Even within ourselves.

Edited July 16, 2016 by 66Charger

[Lois_Griffin]

He says he will take a polly graph but he also knows that would be a hardship right now.

LOL. Spoken like a true cheater who wants to offer up his 'willingness' to do a poly but then disqualifying it with a feeble statement about not being able to afford it.

 

You know what TRUE remorse looks like? It looks like HIM getting a 2nd job to PAY for a polygraph because his need to give you the security you need so much right now supersedes anything else on his priority list. Your ability to believe that he's being HONEST with you is the difference between successful reconciliation and a not so successful reconciliation based on you having to settle for his 'version' of the truth.

 

One would think he'd be all over that, desperately wanting to prove the truth to you by making a polygraph happen. And yet - he's not.

 

Well, here's a spoiler - cheaters lie.

 

A lot.

 

Their version is never the whole truth.

 

I would have to suppose that the last time a cheater told the 100% truth to their spouse right after D-day, the moon was blue.

[Lois_Griffin]

I want to contact the OW and see what her story is. He says he will support and do anything I want but he doesnt think its a good idea. Thoughts?

Opossum, I can pretty much guarantee you he's ALREADY been in touch with the OW and told her you caught him, told her you know who she is, and filled her on on the 'version' of the truth he told you.

 

I'd also be willing to bet my right arm he's already asked her to go along with his version that he told you should you ever contact her looking for information.

 

That's pretty much standard operating procedure for cheaters. It's ALL about covering their ass at all costs, and doing damage control.

 

Spend some time reading the OW/OM boards where there's been a D-Day. The overwhelming majority of OW post that their MM snuck a call into them telling them about D-Day and telling the OW the 'story' he'd told his wife. SO many OW have posted that their MM told their wives that they'd only had sex "2 or 3 times with their OW" when it was hundreds or thousands of times.

 

You more than likely have NOT been told the real truth. Chances are pretty slim that you have.

 

It's also unlikely you'll learn much from the OW. He's probably already gotten to her and told her what to say.

[66Charger]

Single issue polygraph test range from $300 to $500. Is that really a hardship? I would take him up on that offer and borrow the money, just to see if the story changes or he has a different excuse.

Edited July 16, 2016 by 66Charger

[Lois_Griffin]

Single issue polygraph test range from $300 to $500. Is that really a hardship? I would take him up on that offer and borrow the money, just to see if the story changes or he has a different excuse.

Exactly.

 

A month of him flipping burgers at Burger King at night or waiting tables somewhere could pay for a poly, no problem.

 

But Charger is right - just wait til the poly is booked and you start getting 'mini' confessions he didn't tell you before because he knows he's headed for the hot seat and being exposed.

[elaine567]

This is your future that is at stake here, an "investment" in a polygraph may save you years of heartache ahead.

[merrmeade]

I'm not sure it's guaranteed that he contacted the OW and did all that, but I do know that it is entirely possible. We who were trickle-truthed know that ANYTHING is possible and that something or everything being is open to doubt.

 

Think about it this way: When he didn't want you to know that he was having sex with her (and you still don't know for a fact that it was only - what was it? - 3 times in so many months), what did he do? He lied straight to your face. He pretended and made up constant lies about where he was and why. Probably lied about his moods - a lot of things you won't remember nor he. But the point is that he is seasoned and also okay with getting away with it.

 

He may be the normal, honest, vulnerable person you think/hope you see and hear before you, telling the truth. But he may also be so good at ACTING at being that normal, honest, vulnerable person that he knows what to say and do to sound like he's taking the high road. When he agrees to do something but has an excuse why he can't you have to wonder.

 

And THAT is not your fault. You don't have to feel bad for doubting him. He created the situation; it's logical. He should understand, and if he can't you should wonder about that as well. Until YOU have decided you can, he doesn't even have the right to expect you to trust him.

Edited July 17, 2016 by merrmeade

[Opossum]

First I would like to clarify that my WH did not bring up the money issue when I asked about the polygraph rather I think he knows that $400 would be challanging to come with.

 

My husband has been reading what I wrote in this thread as well as all the feedback. He is willing to do what it takes and we have found a polygraph expert that is giving us a discount at $200. I get 3 questions that have to be worded so that the answer I want is no. I know one question for sure which is "did you have intercourse more than 3 times?" She gave him oral the first night so I am not sure if that could give a false reading. Thoughts?

[66Charger]

1st question. Other than this woman, have you ever had any intimate relations, kissing, oral, petting, intercourse, etc, with any other person outside of your marriage.

 

Someone else can pose 2 and 3

[merrmeade]

My husband has been reading what I wrote in this thread as well as all the feedback.

This is interesting. How does he react? Does he understand the reason for the doubt or is he offended that you don't believe him?

[elaine567]

Since the start of your relationship with X, have you passionately kissed anyone else?’

‘Since the start of your relationship with X, have you engaged in sexual contact with anyone else?’

‘Since the start of your relationship with X, have you had sex (or sexual intercourse) with anyone else?’

Usually with the corollary - "apart from the woman/women your wife/gf/partner already knows about."

 

These are the standard questions.

 

Trouble with asking specific questions about what he told you is that when people trickle truth they can tell the truth only they "forget" to tell the rest of it.

So "We had sex 3 times" is factually correct only he failed to mention they also had sex 2x a week for 6 months, or that woman was not the only one he had sex with, or the rest of the time it was "only" BJs or anal...

 

Coming out of the polygraph feeling good over a highly specific question is no comfort if you then start wondering if there are/were other women.

 

The questions you ask are important, do not get too bogged down in minutiae.

In 5 years time will it really matter if he had sex with her 3x or 30x or 300x? The point being he had sex with another woman and that is what you have to get over.

[Cablebandit]

lol at a polygraph. The US Judicial system has no faith in a polygraph, why do you? Save your money go on a date or something with it.

[elaine567]

My husband has been reading what I wrote in this thread as well as all the feedback.

 

Can I ask why?

Did he inadvertently find it or did you point him to it?

[Opossum]

Can I ask why?

Did he inadvertently find it or did you point him to it?

 

I pointed him to it. We have both been talking and reading everything we can and he is putting in the work so far and knowing that I was posting on here he asked to hear some of the responses so I let him. I wouldnt post anything that I wouldnt want him to know, as we are very open about this whole mess. I think him being able to read other members responses to my pain and fears helps him "get it" a little more and to see things through a different set of eyes, which then leads to him trying or doing other things.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Let's see:

OW: a complete stranger to the BW. OW had no relationship and no connection with the BW. Her role was to engage in an affair with WH.

 

 

See, I think there IS a relationship. She is a mistress. And there IS a connection. She might have herpes. She might get pregnant. She might buy a bunny and a stainless steel pot.

 

As a mistress, I assure you her impact will have a permanent place in this marriage. Thoughts of her will likely cut far deeper and last much longer than any thoughts about any relationship prior to the marriage ever will.

 

That's why they call it playing with fire. Because the burns are permanent.

[elaine567]

I pointed him to it. We have both been talking and reading everything we can and he is putting in the work so far and knowing that I was posting on here he asked to hear some of the responses so I let him. I wouldnt post anything that I wouldnt want him to know, as we are very open about this whole mess. I think him being able to read other members responses to my pain and fears helps him "get it" a little more and to see things through a different set of eyes, which then leads to him trying or doing other things.

 

I get the whole "open" thing, but you have effectively closed down a means of support for YOU when things get really tough.

You will have no place to vent to or to share your innermost thoughts amongst strangers, as your husband will always be reading everything you write, (no doubt on here or on any other forum you care to tell your story to).

He will be thinking, assessing and then modifying his behaviour to suit, telling you what you want to hear...

Most use LS as a bolt-hole, LS can now never be your bolt-hole, you just let the fox into the warren.

 

YOU are so busy "including" your husband, and reading everything in sight and are working so hard on "fixing" your marriage, when the truth is, your husband's remedy to "fix" that same marriage was to have sex with someone else.

All he needs to do now is to act nice, say the right things (prompted by your postings on here), have the best sex of his life and he then gets to breathe a huge sigh of relief...

No doubt at some point he will tell you to drop it and move on.

Will he learn his lesson and learn to "behave" in the future, who knows?

...Meanwhile, you are in hell.