Her ex and I are both trying to get her back ***Updated***

[Jabron1]

I don't want to stop fighting for her.

 

You need to be better than the situation. That's how you improve as a man.

 

Those two idiots are only dragging you down.

[d409]

I didn't go and sleep with 10 other women when things got serious and the honeymoon phase ended.

 

I drove by the condo tonight, his car was parked there. So I guess that's what she thinks of him.

 

That is stalking.

[Deidre]

If she's smart, she'll forget both of you, and find a guy who knows what he wants and DOESN'T have to dump her to figure it out.

[katiegrl]

I don't want to stop fighting for her.

 

Oh please, spare us the melodramatics.

 

Your heroism isn't impressing anyone, least of all ....her.

 

If you were smart you'd back off.

 

She's knows how you feel, she chose the other guy, so back off. Let her wonder about you, think about you.

 

Your being in her face "fighting for her" will serve no purpose whatsoever except annoy her and eventually repulse her.

 

Trust me on that one I have been in her shoes and ended up thinking my ex was pathetic.

 

Foolish and pathetic. Cringe-worthy pathetic... I lost all respect for him pathetic .

 

I stayed with the new guy!

Edited July 8, 2016 by katiegrl

[NIGHT1985]

Bro let it go.... My ex is moved on and I love her, but there comes a point when you gotta realize it's over for you. You're not gonna get her back, the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can face reality and move on with your life. I've spent way too damn long on my ex and trying to get her back, it's caused nothing but worse heart break and extreme damage to my pride. Please do what I didn't do and move on before damaging your pride and self image any worse than you've already have.

[Densel]

Let me share my experience. I always have a bad habit of saying "break up" to my ex girlfriend. But I don't mean it, I was just bad tempered.

 

One day she snapped. One day, she told me she like someone new, next day she have the new guy coming over her home for a visit(4 hours). The weird thing is the new guy brought along his ex girlfriend too. 4 of us sat at the table. My ex and the new guy chatting happily. I dont know what to feel but i kept my cool. After he left, we argued, she told me to pack my things and i left the next day.

 

I believed she took revenge on me because I say "break up" too many times.

 

So your ex invited you home to have a glass of wine and then say she need space!?

 

Don't you think this is very contradicting?

If she needs space from you why would she invite you home?

I believe she's taking revenge on you. To let you feel the pain she went through.

 

And since she said she wanted space, let her be.

[guest569]

1. She doesn't love you anymore. She rejected your re-proposal. Accept it.

2. She wants you to listen to her and respect her decision. Do that.

3. I don't want to doubt your feelings, but you are focusing mainly on her other ex and how angry and jealous that makes you. You are not seeing logic.

4. Find another hospital that does heart transplants.

[tinkerbell16]

He was engaged to her as well! He ****ed other women AND broke an engagement. She expected the exact same things with him. After they broke up and still went around sleeping with anything that moved and jumping from relationship to relationship. That doesn't seem like a man with regrets. Just a player, who always wins.

 

wow... so you two are similar. She clearly needs to refine her selection skills.

[Popsicle]

All this emotional worry on your part, but did you ever explain yourself to her and why you left her at the altar?

Not that she could trust you again anyway, but people do it somehow after betrayal.

You should be starting there, with A LOT of explaining and begging and remorse, and as mentioned before, don't ever stop fighting for her.

[Popsicle]

He was engaged to her as well! He ****ed other women AND broke an engagement. She expected the exact same things with him. After they broke up and still went around sleeping with anything that moved and jumping from relationship to relationship. That doesn't seem like a man with regrets. Just a player, who always wins.

 

Go read the Infidelity section and see how the wayward spouses do it over there.

Most of the time they get their betrayed spouse to stay with them.

Edited July 8, 2016 by Popsicle

[Sunkissedpatio]

Unless I missed the explanation you still haven't really explained, and it looks like you don't even know, why you got cold feet and didn't see yourself spending your life with her? "I don't really know why" isn't good enough. It's superficial and makes you seem flaky which is just as bad as cheating actually.

 

This strikes me as the classic case of conquering the challenge, winning her back, and being exactly where you were that week before the wedding in a few months down the line.

 

Do yourself and her a favor and get to the root of what was it that made you decide she was not the one before you even attempt to try to get her back.

[NIGHT1985]

Why is it that we someone back when they're drifting towards someone else? We can know this person isn't right for us, but seeing them go to someone else just sparks some insecure/jealous side of us that just makes us desire them and project feelings upon them we may have never truly felt in the first place, or at least not as strong. It's interesting

[Sunkissedpatio]

Why is it that we someone back when they're drifting towards someone else? We can know this person isn't right for us, but seeing them go to someone else just sparks some insecure/jealous side of us that just makes us desire them and project feelings upon them we may have never truly felt in the first place, or at least not as strong. It's interesting

 

Because the thrill of the chase is a powerful and addictive force, that's not love. It's just a game.

[tinkerbell16]

Because the thrill of the chase is a powerful and addictive force, that's not love. It's just a game.

 

eeeegggsaaaakkklllleeee

[BlueIris]

I love her. It is my concern. I don't want to see her get hurt.

 

 

It didn't help.

 

I'd like to beat the **** out of him instead of just throwing a few punches. It'd be nice if he lost his job, then he wouldn't be her shadow. I wouldn't do it, but it sure would be nice.

 

I need to know if she is sleeping with him or not, or with him again or not. I cannot handle not knowing. It drives me crazy and is all I think about. Every move either of them make I have to decode. I can't handle her being with him and I can't handle knowing he's going to hurt her.

 

She always said she was uncomfortable with the amount of women he slept with and dated, yes she runs right back to him? What if there was always something going on between them, even when we were together.

 

I want her back in my life.

 

 

 

I can blame him for sleeping with her. He's using her and he knows that. He's a player and a cheater. He's just going to hurt her. He didn't wait any time before jumping on her. If he had any respect he wouldn't do that. He also wouldn't be flirting with her and kissing her at work. He damn well knows I can see it. This morning I saw him whispering to her, both smiling and kissed her cheek. Conveniently right where he knew I'd be and he shouldn't have been.

 

Im not switching careers because of him. That's ridiculous. What he gets my girlfriend and my job too? I cannot work in a hospital that doesn't do heart transplants. Moving to another hospital would involve finding a job when there are very few available and moving to another province. I'm also on a contract.

 

 

If I really loved her I wouldn't let her get involved with this guy. He obviously played her to get back with her. She's not a dumb person, she wouldn't get back with him in normal circumstances. He's just going to hurt her. Then maybe she'll want to be with me again after he's ripped her heart out the second time.

 

OP, she is an autonomous human being. She can do whatever she wants.

 

It is not your business any more. She is not your girlfriend. You left her.

 

The bolded above is waaay out of line. Stay out of her business.

 

If you can’t cope with the consequences of your actions, get help from a professional. Really. Take on your own demons and leave her, and him, alone.

Edited July 8, 2016 by BlueIris

[Popsicle]

Unless I missed the explanation you still haven't really explained, and it looks like you don't even know, why you got cold feet and didn't see yourself spending your life with her? "I don't really know why" isn't good enough. It's superficial and makes you seem flaky which is just as bad as cheating actually.

 

This strikes me as the classic case of conquering the challenge, winning her back, and being exactly where you were that week before the wedding in a few months down the line.

 

Do yourself and her a favor and get to the root of what was it that made you decide she was not the one before you even attempt to try to get her back.

 

You would be wise to do this. Take a day, a week, a month, however long it takes to figure this out. She will want to know it. This is not so much for you to mentally masturbate about yourself (people love to do that) but to be able to offer her something to grasp onto as she tries to re-establish trust for you.

[zarb]

I didn't leave her because I was bored or wanted other women. I wasn't even interested in other women when I made the decision. I still am not. I've tried sleeping with a couple but like I said, couldn't stay hard.

 

The last month of the engagement was insanely stressful. We chose a destination wedding partly because it was supposed to be easy. Details kept getting mixed up, things were going wrong left and right, the weather was supposed to be horrible. All the little things were completely stressing her out.

 

Because of the stress our sex life went out the window. If we tried she couldn't even focus or relax. I felt afraid of that being our sex life forever. He ex (or whatever the F they are now) was always in her/our life. It was the nature of our work environment and couldn't do much about it. Having the ex fiance always around, mildly flirting and knowing he still wanted her was always hard. Maybe the stress did it but I realized until he or we move, he'll always be in our lives. There was always something between them, you could sense it. I didn't want to always worry about it.

 

Also related to stress was just how I as handling everything. I told her to calm down to many times, she thought I didn't care enough. Everything we did started annoying each other and things that annoyed each other before (like eating in bed) became a whole new level of annoyance.

 

Things that we already talked about and figured out kept coming back and overwhelming me. Like kids. If she had her way she'd have a whole pack of kids already. I wanted to wait until we were married for a year before trying. She wanted to try right away, even before the wedding. We talked about it a lot and came to a conclusion together and put it to rest. But it came back full force and it was like we were doomed. Or, she wanted a pet and I didn't. But we talked about it and compromised. We got a hairless dog. I hate that thing, I took care of him but hate him. He looks like a naked mole rat. But she adores him (and he lives with her). In reality, it's not that big of a deal. It's just a dog. But at the time it felt like we wouldn't agree on anything, which isn't true at all.

 

It had nothing to do with losing the thrill. I wasn't bored or wanting a challenge. I haven't opened up to her totally, she won't listen anymore.

 

I can't just let her go. I was supposed to marry her. We should be together right now, married and happy. We should have been on our way to starting a family. But I messed it up and now she is gone. She lives in our condo that we bought together, she wants to buy me out. I drove by this morning and her ex's car was still there so he stayed the night. In my home. That I made with her and where I should be with her.

 

I don't understand how she could give him a second chance but not me. We made the same mistake, ending the engagement, but he added the cherry by cheating - a lot. If they do end up together I'm always going to wonder if they would have anyway. Maybe she always had something with him. Maybe she was cheating.

 

I don't know if she's doing this because she actually wants to be with him or because she wants to get back at me. She's a sweet woman, she isn't the type to seek revenge. But I also didn't think she'd ever go back to that walking dildo.

[NIGHT1985]

Zarb, it's commendable that you feel like you need to fight for this woman and show her you still love her. Trust me, I've been there. Hell, in a lot of ways I'm still there with my ex, but I know it's over, I know she's in love with another man.

 

Your Ex has made it clear that she's done with you. Let's put it out very bluntly, she's out having sex with this guy, cuddling up with this guy, kissing him, watching her favorite shows with him, and whatever else you enjoyed doing with her. It hurts to think about, doesn't it? You're not gonna get her back, and if you were, it would be from stepping out of her life completely and making her slowly realize that she misses you and wants you back, but I wouldn't hold on to that.

 

You need to do whatever you can to move forward. It's Friday so the weekend is the perfect time to get out and clear your head. Go hiking, go for some drinks with friends, and don't contact her what so ever. I would delete her #, her fb, and whatever photos you have of her on your phone.

[BlueIris]

OP, the way you are thinking is not good. You are being obsessive and narcissistic right now- and extremely intrusive.

 

You can’t let her go? No, you already did let her go.

 

Her having sex with him has nothing to do with you. She can do whatever she wants.

 

You. Left. Her.

 

If you regret that, work that out yourself. But that is your internal battle. She is free.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I didn't leave her because I was bored or wanted other women. I wasn't even interested in other women when I made the decision. I still am not. I've tried sleeping with a couple but like I said, couldn't stay hard.

 

The last month of the engagement was insanely stressful. We chose a destination wedding partly because it was supposed to be easy. Details kept getting mixed up, things were going wrong left and right, the weather was supposed to be horrible. All the little things were completely stressing her out.

 

Because of the stress our sex life went out the window. If we tried she couldn't even focus or relax. I felt afraid of that being our sex life forever. He ex (or whatever the F they are now) was always in her/our life. It was the nature of our work environment and couldn't do much about it. Having the ex fiance always around, mildly flirting and knowing he still wanted her was always hard. Maybe the stress did it but I realized until he or we move, he'll always be in our lives. There was always something between them, you could sense it. I didn't want to always worry about it.

 

Also related to stress was just how I as handling everything. I told her to calm down to many times, she thought I didn't care enough. Everything we did started annoying each other and things that annoyed each other before (like eating in bed) became a whole new level of annoyance.

 

Things that we already talked about and figured out kept coming back and overwhelming me. Like kids. If she had her way she'd have a whole pack of kids already. I wanted to wait until we were married for a year before trying. She wanted to try right away, even before the wedding. We talked about it a lot and came to a conclusion together and put it to rest. But it came back full force and it was like we were doomed. Or, she wanted a pet and I didn't. But we talked about it and compromised. We got a hairless dog. I hate that thing, I took care of him but hate him. He looks like a naked mole rat. But she adores him (and he lives with her). In reality, it's not that big of a deal. It's just a dog. But at the time it felt like we wouldn't agree on anything, which isn't true at all.

 

It had nothing to do with losing the thrill. I wasn't bored or wanting a challenge. I haven't opened up to her totally, she won't listen anymore.

 

I can't just let her go. I was supposed to marry her. We should be together right now, married and happy. We should have been on our way to starting a family. But I messed it up and now she is gone. She lives in our condo that we bought together, she wants to buy me out. I drove by this morning and her ex's car was still there so he stayed the night. In my home. That I made with her and where I should be with her.

 

I don't understand how she could give him a second chance but not me. We made the same mistake, ending the engagement, but he added the cherry by cheating - a lot. If they do end up together I'm always going to wonder if they would have anyway. Maybe she always had something with him. Maybe she was cheating.

 

I don't know if she's doing this because she actually wants to be with him or because she wants to get back at me. She's a sweet woman, she isn't the type to seek revenge. But I also didn't think she'd ever go back to that walking dildo.

 

See now you are tapping into the reality of why you had cold feet. This right here that you wrote is more for your benefit than ours because when you are yearning to be with her again you need to come back and read the list of concerns you just wrote.

 

The fact alone the ex was always milling about (due to work circumstance) and that made you uneasy and now they are "together-ish" was your gut telling you there is something very wrong with this picture.

 

Then there is the kids situation - you want to wait she is gung ho to go. That is a real issue young married couples need to find a way to compromise while maintaining a good relationship.

 

I can see why the sex was a concern, you were about to cross the threshold to spend the rest of your life with someone who becomes so consumed with stress she shuts dowb intimately. Valid concern. Having said that,weddings are very stressful (one of the most stressful events in your life esp for some women) planning, anticipating, wanting things to be perfect.... and it really tests Thea couple's conflict and stress management so it's understandable that she couldn't relax in the bedroom. But you discuss and work on it together, again, compromise and meet half way. Those are the tests of what marriage is about, not the party or the rings or anything material.

 

So, now that you see all this laid out have a long hard look at what your relationship was like with this woman and figure out if there is a way you could both work to repair those issues. If you both aren't willing then there is no sense for you to go after her. Ride out the pain of missing her because when that starts to lift you will see that simply getting back with her won't make the same things that drove you to bail the first time, go away.

 

 

She could be with the ex to get back at you, sure! And if that were the case could you see past that to be with her again? Don't think of the first week you win her back where it feels great and a relief and all you can think of right now is how do I make this pain stop. Try to think about what it will feel like when you make love to her and you wonder if she is still thinking about the ex.

Edited July 8, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Jabron1]

I don't understand how she could give him a second chance but not me.

 

It sounds to me like he was always her priority, and that she was settling for you because she wanted kids.

 

You've got a serious oneitis going on.

 

Look what it's turning you into: driving around her house, and looking to fight people.

 

You really need to get a hold of yourself. This problem is all in your head, mate.

[zarb]

I couldn't help myself. I went out of my way to talk to him today. I followed him into the parking garage and confronted him there. I needed to know why he was toying with her.

 

His response was "I had to learn the hardest way imaginable the consequences of my actions and how much [she] means to me. She has always been the one. You need to back off and let her be. She's happy, with me." Then snarked a douchey comment that was something like "Expect announcements soon. You know, wedding, pregnancy, that kinda thing ;)".

 

He has to be just saying that to get at me? There is no way she's already going to marry that thing or start a family with him, or heaven forbid already pregnant. She's a planner, very detail oriented she doesn't just jump into things.

 

What if he's going to try and knock her up on purpose? Do men ever do that?

 

He posted a picture of himself and her on facebook. He tagged her in it but she untagged herself. So maybe she's not that into him.

 

It rips my heart out and makes me want to puke thinking about her having sex with him, touching him, kissing him, just being with him. He's going to hurt her again and he's probably giving her every STD in the book.

 

If I completely remove myself from her life I'm afraid she will forget about me. Out of sight, out of mind. When I asked for space I didn't intend on breaking up with her. I just wanted some time, I still knew I wanted to be with her. But she thought I was done and got very distant, once I realized that is what she thought it was too late.

 

I really think the issues that caused me to have cold feet are not deal breakers. It was all stress from the wedding. Before the stress came everything was great. Things we didn't agree on we talked about and reached an agreement. She wanted kids right away, but I wanted to wait 1 year. We agreed to wait 6 months then not try hard but not prevent either and if nothing happened start seriously trying at the 1 year mark.

 

She could be with the ex to get back at you, sure! And if that were the case could you see past that to be with her again? Don't think of the first week you win her back where it feels great and a relief and all you can think of right now is how do I make this pain stop. Try to think about what it will feel like when you make love to her and you wonder if she is still thinking about the ex.

 

I've always had a tiny wonder way, way in the back of my head if she thinks (thought) of him or misses/d him. That's the nature of the game when he's wound so tightly in our work lives, and a friend of friends. It would be harder now knowing that she went back to him. But she's obviously not thinking clearly.

[elaine567]

When I asked for space I didn't intend on breaking up with her.

 

A lesson learned, never request "space" or a to "take a break" with anyone you do not want to, or cannot bear to lose.

 

People who want to work on relationships tend to stay in relationships.

A "break" or a request for "space" frequently introduces others into the middle of a relationship, and that causes all sorts of extra trouble.

 

But this was not just a small "break" was it, it was 3 months of separation, then you moved out and it has now been 9 months since you were together.

Why the big fuss now?

[dpass]

I couldn't help myself. I went out of my way to talk to him today. I followed him into the parking garage and confronted him there. I needed to know why he was toying with her.

 

You drove by her house twice and followed him into a garage. That is straight up stalking and you're going to wind up with a retraining order.

 

His response was "I had to learn the hardest way imaginable the consequences of my actions and how much [she] means to me. She has always been the one. You need to back off and let her be. She's happy, with me." Then snarked a douchey comment that was something like "Expect announcements soon. You know, wedding, pregnancy, that kinda thing ;)".

 

So he is no different than you. You also are learning the hard way. Who knows, maybe you will keep playing ping pong with her. He can finish up with her then you can get your go again, and again, and again.

 

He has to be just saying that to get at me? There is no way she's already going to marry that thing or start a family with him, or heaven forbid already pregnant. She's a planner, very detail oriented she doesn't just jump into things.

 

Maybe. Maybe not. You'll just have to wait and see. Bolded = mature.

 

What if he's going to try and knock her up on purpose? Do men ever do that?

 

Hopefully she's smart enough to avoid that. Yes, men do it. Poke some holes in a condom and she won't suspect a thing.

 

He posted a picture of himself and her on facebook. He tagged her in it but she untagged herself. So maybe she's not that into him.

 

Or maybe she is a typical woman who thinks she looks ugly in the photo. Maybe she doesn't want that picture on her page for a myriad of reasons, sure they could include not being serious about him.

 

It rips my heart out and makes me want to puke thinking about her having sex with him, touching him, kissing him, just being with him. He's going to hurt her again and he's probably giving her every STD in the book.

 

Then why do you want to be with someone who has "every std in the book"?

 

If I completely remove myself from her life I'm afraid she will forget about me. Out of sight, out of mind. When I asked for space I didn't intend on breaking up with her. I just wanted some time, I still knew I wanted to be with her. But she thought I was done and got very distant, once I realized that is what she thought it was too late.

 

Or, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Never ask for space without being very clear that you aren't broken up, if that is the intention. Better yet, don't ask for space at all.

 

I really think the issues that caused me to have cold feet are not deal breakers. It was all stress from the wedding. Before the stress came everything was great. Things we didn't agree on we talked about and reached an agreement. She wanted kids right away, but I wanted to wait 1 year. We agreed to wait 6 months then not try hard but not prevent either and if nothing happened start seriously trying at the 1 year mark.

 

Doesn't matter now, she doesn't love you.

 

I've always had a tiny wonder way, way in the back of my head if she thinks (thought) of him or misses/d him. That's the nature of the game when he's wound so tightly in our work lives, and a friend of friends. It would be harder now knowing that she went back to him. But she's obviously not thinking clearly.

 

And those wonders were right, she did miss him. If it makes you feel better he's probably wondering the same thing about you.

 

Stop over analyzing and move on. She doesn't want to be with you and doesn't love you, end of story. Your chapter with her is done.

[DeeplyMissHer]

This advice may seem counteractive but I suggest backing off. Maybe tell her one last time, that you love her, you are sorry for walking away before you two were married, maybe even reinforce your desire to be with her, and then leave it in her ball park.

 

Don't fight with the other ex boyfriend. Be friendly towards her but don't "try to win her back". Show her you can be a great guy, but don't smother her. You will only push her father away. If she tells you she doesn't want to be with you, accept it. It'll show you respect her, and will come across as you really understanding the consequence of your choices.