Sexless Marriage - experiences, thoughts, comments very welcome

[tndawg]

I see a lot of the replies are telling you to leave her or demand something. Is that what you want? I was feeling your pain as you wrote your blog. It is obvious you are committed to your wife and child. Have you two gone to any marriage counseling? Would she be willing to do that?

[Mr. Lucky]

As soon as I proposed the intimacy became almost non existent.

 

Our wedding had been planned for over a year and we had been trying to conceive so it was a wonderful surprise when we found out during our honeymoon that we were pregnant.

 

I'm trying to do the math here. You proposed and had (at least) a year-long engagement with "almost non existent" sex?

 

How did that get you to the altar :confused: ???

 

OP, you understand the purpose of courtship is to ensure similar wants, needs and goals? Don't think anyone can accuse her of false advertising, she's been consistent since the ring went on her finger. I'm not sure why subsequent events have been a surprise to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[noelle303]

I have PCOS. It's very painful esp when the cysts burst. You can't walk and you have to take codeine immediately in order to breath. Ovulation is also painful. If you have a large cyst burst you are at risk of death due to internal bleeding, doctors operate immediately.

 

As I've already said before on this forum I have zero drive so I don't bother dating at all. I have had sex once in 5 years. The last thing on my mind during ovulation is sex, I need a hot water bottle to reduce the swollen ovary.

 

That sounds terrible, but PCOS varies in severity, I'm sure that if it was that bad for the OP's wife that he would have probably noticed?

 

OP, do you ever talk with your wife about her health issues? Does she ever complain about them to you?

[serial muse]

 

I will also say that this has been a chronic, serious issue for the entire duration of their marriage. This is not something that a nice conversation over dinner or while walking the dog will resolve this situation.

 

Keep in mind this is not a case of mismatched libidos or a lackluster Sexlife that is less satisfying than earlier in the marriage. She has steadfastly refused to have any intimacy with him since their child

 

If what he is saying is true, this is a very dire and serious situation. It's not something that a basic one on one discussion is going to resolve.

 

Hm. I thought it was obvious that I wasn't suggesting it was a matter of a nice convo while walking the dog, brush hands together, problem sorted. I'd have said that goes without saying, except here I am, having to say it. :/

 

I simply think it's worth noting that they've never really had a conversation about what's going on. That, to me, is as big a red flag as the lack of sex itself. Seems like an obvious first step to get up the courage to talk about it. Emphasis on "first", and "step", and "therapy", all of which I also said upthread.

[MJJean]

That sounds terrible, but PCOS varies in severity, I'm sure that if it was that bad for the OP's wife that he would have probably noticed?

 

OP, do you ever talk with your wife about her health issues? Does she ever complain about them to you?

 

PCOS runs in my family. My Aunt, me, my sister, and probably my mom...she was never formally diagnosed, but she had symptoms and then a hysterectomy for another condition, making PCOS a moot point.

 

Both my sister and I have higher male hormone levels. We also have very high sex drives.

 

That said, my sister had painful ovulation. And, in case some weren't aware, near ovulation is when most women experience a surge in desire. Only, when ovulation hurts, it doesn't matter because the pain overwhelms the desire.

 

Then, in time, sex became uncomfortable and then downright painful for her. Which made her insane because she wanted sex, but it hurt too much to have it. So she shut down her desire for sex. Her H was going batty. After failed hormone treatment, her doc recommended a partial hysterectomy. She was 32, but had already had 4 children of her own and was raising her 2 step daughters, too, so she was ok with it.

 

I am treating with hormones, but my symptoms are very minor.

 

PCOS can make conceiving and carrying to term difficult. It is NOT uncommon for hysterectomy to be the "cure". Hormone therapies alone only work in about 6% of cases. Usually, there is a combination of hormones and surgeries until even that stops working.

 

Point is, yes, PCOS can kill a healthy sex drive. And is is something that can have serious effects on future fertility.

 

OP, I think it's likely sex is actually painful for your wife. She may be holding off on treatment because she is afraid the recommendation will be surgery and she wants another child. She may even be willing to endure painful sex in order to conceive and give birth before her condition worsens, if it's been heading that way.

 

You need to REALLY talk to her about this. No holds barred.

Edited July 2, 2016 by MJJean

[Bufo]

If she has debilitating PCOS your sex situation won't get better by her not seeking treatment. How does she know treatment will result in infertility? Since she hasn't seen a doctor maybe she's self diagnosing via internet where one finds all sorts of true or false anecdotes about medical conditions. Very strange that she avoids one to one doctor to patient medical advice and treatment. There is something went with her above the neck as well as below the navel.

 

You are soon going to find yourself in the untenable position of her " giving in" to your demand for sex. And then asking you why no baby #2 like she wants but you won't agree. Astounds fair, doesn't it? If you now "convince"'her that sex is a necessary component of marriage she can throw those arguments right bCk at you to "convince"'you that a second child is a necessary component of marriage.

 

The problem? Once she's pregnant you will find yourself back in a sexless marriage. Baby #2 is not going to turn her into a loving partner.

 

In brief, don't trade a few quickies for extended misery. Either your issue is resolved through medicine and/or counseling or you should give serious thought to leaving before more damage is done to you.

 

Last thought. Baby#2 seems to triple the parental workload. Practice doesn't prepare you for dealing with one crying baby while #1 is deciding that throwing the dishes out of the cupboard is a great amusement that simply doesn't deserve

admonishment from a disgruntled parent.

[BettyDraper]

Some of us aspire to more than being a paycheck and occasional sperm donor. I hope the poster raises his sights and expectations a bit.

 

I believe that many women get married just so that they can have children and live a certain lifestyle. To these types, their husbands are just a means to achieving this end.

 

It's very telling that the OP's wife stopped having sex right after the proposal. Sounds like she pulled the ol' bait and switch. She wants another child yet she refuses to work on their sex life. She also refuses to seek medical attention for her condition which she claims prevents her from having sex.

 

All of these factors make it obvious that the OP's wife just sees him as someone with viable sperm cells and a wallet. She's using him.

[Madame_Noire]

I believe that many women get married just so that they can have children and live a certain lifestyle. To these types, their husbands are just a means to achieving this end.

 

It's very telling that the OP's wife stopped having sex right after the proposal. Sounds like she pulled the ol' bait and switch. She wants another child yet she refuses to work on their sex life. She also refuses to seek medical attention for her condition which she claims prevents her from having sex.

 

All of these factors make it obvious that the OP's wife just sees him as someone with viable sperm cells and a wallet. She's using him.

 

 

I could not have put this better myself Betty. Some proclaim sex stops after marriage. I have seen also on so many forums that the women are only interested in sex when they are ovulating.

 

From what I have read in the original post, I would not be suprised if she gets pregnant again, has the baby and then dumps the OP and takes him to the cleaners for half of everything and rake in the child support.

[BettyDraper]

I could not have put this better myself Betty. Some proclaim sex stops after marriage. I have seen also on so many forums that the women are only interested in sex when they are ovulating.

 

From what I have read in the original post, I would not be suprised if she gets pregnant again, has the baby and then dumps the OP and takes him to the cleaners for half of everything and rake in the child support.

 

Sex only stops after marriage if there are underlying factors. Sometimes the reasons for lack of sex are understandable but effort to work on those issues are key. If the OP's wife was interested in sex and the bond it brings, she would have already gone to the doctor to treat her PCOS .

 

I notice that husbands who complain about lack of sex are often told what they need to do differently but the men's needs are rarely taken into account. A romantic and attentive husband who is also an engaged father should not be deprived of sex.

 

My personal experience has been that sex did not stop after we married. It helps that we don't have pregnancy and children to contend with. I also believe that married couples should be making love even if one spouse is less than enthusiastic about it at times. When my sex drive was lowered, I still made it a point to be intimate with my husband out of love and the desire to fulfill his needs.

[VeveCakes]

I have PCOS. It's very painful esp when the cysts burst. You can't walk and you have to take codeine immediately in order to breath. Ovulation is also painful. If you have a large cyst burst you are at risk of death due to internal bleeding, doctors operate immediately.

 

As I've already said before on this forum I have zero drive so I don't bother dating at all. I have had sex once in 5 years. The last thing on my mind during ovulation is sex, I need a hot water bottle to reduce the swollen ovary.

 

Surely you could give your husband a handy or BJ every few weeks to satisfy him though if needed?

 

I see no reason the wife can't do this at least...

[BettyDraper]

Surely you could give your husband a handy or BJ every few weeks to satisfy him though if needed?

 

I see no reason the wife can't do this at least...

 

She certainly can but she will not because clearly her husband's sexual needs are not a priority.

I'm not sure why the OP married a woman who stopped having sex right after she got an engagement ring.

Her intentions were clear right from the start.

Edited July 4, 2016 by BettyDraper

[HopeForTomorrow]

If she has debilitating PCOS your sex situation won't get better by her not seeking treatment. How does she know treatment will result in infertility?

 

The treatment doesn't result in infertility; the condition does. Many people with PCOS have infertility issues ranging from minor to extremely severe.

 

The fact that she didn't have infertility issues with the first child (I'm assuming) would suggest that her PCOS is not debilitating and is probably on the mild side.

 

She may feel un-feminine due to the increased testosterone levels which result in excess weight, abnormal hair growth (in male places), male pattern hair loss, insulin resistance, and acne. It can also directly cause decreased libido.

 

Treatment is as easy as taking a medication so I'm not sure why she won't try it. Metformin or spironolactone can and do help. Why won't she go to the doctor? Because she doesn't want to fix it. She should want to fix it for her own health (risk factors down the line), as well as for you.

 

That comment about not having a second child being a deal breaker would have sent me walking.

[Dolfin80]

Surely you could give your husband a handy or BJ every few weeks to satisfy him though if needed?

 

I see no reason the wife can't do this at least...

 

husband? I'm not marriage material Lolz

 

I wouldn't even go on a date let alone live with a guy.

 

She clearly doesn't want to touch his penis let alone put it in his mouth.

[sexlessmarriage]

Thank you for your all your replies.

 

 

Sorry if I seem to have disappeared from my own post. I thought I would receive an email telling me if someone replied.

I was quite surprised to have found so many responses...thank you so much!

 

I just read everyone’s responses very carefully and while I cannot respond to each one individually, I would like to respond to everyone collectively.

Some people have mentioned divorce as an option, and while I understand that response, as dad to a beautiful, smart, sensitive daughter who loves her mum and dad this would be crushing. I think I would have to exhaust every option before this was even a consideration for me.

 

I also understand why some people have made comments like ‘the writing was on the wall’ before we got married. But once we got engaged we kind of went straight into wedding planning mode. As my wife planned and made everything for our wedding, the 8-12 months leading up to the wedding was extremely stressful for her. On top of that there were a couple other unrelated family issues going on which also made it very stressful. For that reason, I decided to take the understanding and supportive approach. I loved and cared for her so much that I figured minimal sex leading up to the wedding wasn’t the end of the world and things would go back to normal post the wedding. But of course then we discovered we were pregnant.

 

So here we are!

 

My wife is an exceptional mum. I always knew she would be a good mum to any kids we eventually had which is one of the many reasons I decided to marry her. She is also a very supportive wife…except for this one aspect.

 

Some people have commented that if intercourse is painful then why not other forms of intimacy like oral. I think some of this is due to my wife having a very vanilla approach to sex. I’m not sure oral is really an option. She tells me she is still attracted to me and wants me, but if this is the case, then why not some kind of sexual touch…any sexual touch.

 

Regarding the PCOS which has been diagnosed, it seems to impact women in different ways. Apparently for her it can make sex painful which is also why I have tried to be as understanding as possible. I would never leave her if the issue was medical. However, at the same time there are many therapies, including natural therapies, which do help some people. The fact that she says she does not have the time to try any of these options is most upsetting. It gives me the impression that intimacy in our marriage is way, way down the list of priorities in her life.

 

I have read so many books, blog posts and articles on sexless marriages and I understand they are complex. I understand that sex is different for men and women. For me stress and exhaustion does not reduce my desire for my wife and my ability to be intimate. However, from what I read stress and tiredness can kill a women’s sex drive. But when you’re married with kids it’s too easy to always be tired and never desire intimacy.

 

I’ve decided to see a marriage counsellor by myself first for some guidance and then start being more assertive with my wife. I guess in making sure my wife felt secure and loved by not pressuring her for sex, I have gone too far the other way. When you haven’t touched or been touched in an intimate way by your partner in 3 years knowing where to start can even be a challenge.

Edited July 7, 2016 by sexlessmarriage
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[MJJean]

Some people have commented that if intercourse is painful then why not other forms of intimacy like oral. I think some of this is due to my wife having a very vanilla approach to sex. I’m not sure oral is really an option. She tells me she is still attracted to me and wants me, but if this is the case, then why not some kind of sexual touch…any sexual touch.

 

Regarding the PCOS which has been diagnosed, it seems to impact women in different ways. Apparently for her it can make sex painful which is also why I have tried to be as understanding as possible. I would never leave her if the issue was medical. However, at the same time there are many therapies, including natural therapies, which do help some people. The fact that she says she does not have the time to try any of these options is most upsetting. It gives me the impression that intimacy in our marriage is way, way down the list of priorities in her life.

 

If sex is painful for her, she may be avoiding sexual touch and physical closeness so that neither of you become aroused and then frustrated.

 

My sister said sex was EXTREMELY painful for her. She stopped having sex with her H for about a year before she was diagnosed. Then she tried hormone therapy for 6 months. It didn't help. She had a surgery and more hormone therapy. The combination didn't help, either. So, she had the hysterectomy. All totaled up, they went about 2 years. Which is astounding because my sister is a very HD woman.

 

A lot of treatments for PCOS are, frankly, ineffective. And there are concerns that some treatments increase cancer risks.

 

How much have you and your wife talked about her PCOS? Have you spoken to her doctor? Gone to any appointments?

 

I was wondering if it is possible that she has been told by her doctor she needs a treatment that may cause fertility issues and that's why she has been avoiding being treated.

[VeveCakes]

Even if sex is painful she is not concerned at all about her husbands needs. This speaks volumes.

[MJJean]

Even if sex is painful she is not concerned at all about her husbands needs. This speaks volumes.

 

I haven't seen him mention he's been seeing to her needs this whole time. Remember, she's not getting any, either.

 

I have to admit, if sex was too painful for me and my DH wasn't "taking care" of me, I certainly would have no desire to "take care" of him. I'd just end up getting turned on by him in the process and end up frustrated and resentful.

 

Now, if he were seeing to my needs, that would be a different story.

[sexlessmarriage]

Hi MJJean thanks for your thoughts.

 

This is a perfectly valid question to ask.

 

For me intimacy isn't about me but rather the connection with my wife. I would love to be able to satisfy her needs but unfortunately she just doesn't seem to have any desire. In our first year of our marriage I gave her a back massage and foot massage almost every night. She seemed to enjoy a massage as long as it didn't lead to anything sexual.

 

Because she would never offer me any kind of touch in return I kind of stopped offering the foot massages because the giving only seemed to be one way.

 

Sometimes I have wondered if my wife could actually be A-Sexual. She has told me in the past that she has pretty much never pleasured herself. She has told me that when she was young a friend bought her a sex toy but she never used it as she never had the desire and never received any pleasure from it.

Edited July 7, 2016 by sexlessmarriage
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[Mr. Lucky]

I also understand why some people have made comments like ‘the writing was on the wall’ before we got married. But once we got engaged we kind of went straight into wedding planning mode. As my wife planned and made everything for our wedding, the 8-12 months leading up to the wedding was extremely stressful for her. On top of that there were a couple other unrelated family issues going on which also made it very stressful. For that reason, I decided to take the understanding and supportive approach. I loved and cared for her so much that I figured minimal sex leading up to the wedding wasn’t the end of the world and things would go back to normal post the wedding. But of course then we discovered we were pregnant.

 

OP, your wife doesn't even need to make excuses - she's got you to do it for her.

 

If you really think planning a wedding is so stressful that it's progress precludes sex then I understand how you've arrived at your current predicament. In the real world, couples find comfort and satisfaction in each others company, intimately and otherwise. This notion of sex as demands and pressure is nether normal nor healthy...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sexlessmarriage]

Last night when we were in bed I held my wife's hand and told her that I miss being intimate with her.

 

 

She told me that her friends have said it's normal to be like this when you have kids.

 

 

I replied that while it may be normal to go through short periods, I don't think 3 years of no intimacy is normal in a marriage.

 

 

I asked her if she things we need some help...perhaps some counselling and she said she doesn't think so.

 

 

She said that most people don't have a child who never sleeps and she is always tired and it will get better eventually.

 

 

She does get up to our daughter a lot in the night, but whenever I try and get up or offer to look after her she refuses the help. I've suggested that we take it in turns getting up to her. But she just replies that our daughter needs her during the night and she is the priority.

 

 

Our daughter is only 2.5 and if she is still a bad sleeper now it is more than probable she will be a bad sleeper until she is 4 or 5. My thinking is that if we don't proactively do something to rediscover intimacy and sex in our marriage than nothing is likely to change. I think the way she sees it is that sex will always be there in the future so it can wait until then.

 

 

There are probably some people who may read this post and just think here's another guy complaining about not enough sex. But it just isn't the case. I'm a good husband and a good dad. Having a strong and healthy marriage and feeling an emotional and physical bond with my wife is important. After 3 years of absolutely no intimate touch with my wife, I don't think raising it as a serious concern and feeling somewhat depressed about the situation is unreasonable or not normal.

 

 

As I mentioned in my previous post, I think it's becoming clear to me that finding a counsellor to help me through this issue is probably a good idea.

[Maggie888]

This is so so sad. Your wife is asexual. She must be. You need to put your foor down that you will not even discuss a 2nd child until she goes to counseling. It is absolutely not normal to have 3 years of no sex or physical touch. Its cruel and frankly ridiculous to blame it on a child. By her line of reasoning one would assume she is not capable of any basic functioning or activity due to the stress of motherhood.

 

And the wedding planning....I just cant even.

 

You are 100% correct this will never get better. Not unless you do something. And even then....its still likely she will never have sexual desire.

 

Sadly bc you tolerated it during a year engagement she probably assumed u were okay with sexless.

 

Gald to hear you are going to counseling.

[oldshirt]

Have you checked out the Athol Kay books and website (Married Man Sexlife) that I recommended early in the thread?

 

This is the stuff they deal with on that site all day every day.

[noelle303]

Last night when we were in bed I held my wife's hand and told her that I miss being intimate with her.

 

 

She told me that her friends have said it's normal to be like this when you have kids.

 

 

I replied that while it may be normal to go through short periods, I don't think 3 years of no intimacy is normal in a marriage.

 

 

I asked her if she things we need some help...perhaps some counselling and she said she doesn't think so.

 

 

She said that most people don't have a child who never sleeps and she is always tired and it will get better eventually.

 

 

She does get up to our daughter a lot in the night, but whenever I try and get up or offer to look after her she refuses the help. I've suggested that we take it in turns getting up to her. But she just replies that our daughter needs her during the night and she is the priority.

 

 

Our daughter is only 2.5 and if she is still a bad sleeper now it is more than probable she will be a bad sleeper until she is 4 or 5. My thinking is that if we don't proactively do something to rediscover intimacy and sex in our marriage than nothing is likely to change. I think the way she sees it is that sex will always be there in the future so it can wait until then.

 

 

There are probably some people who may read this post and just think here's another guy complaining about not enough sex. But it just isn't the case. I'm a good husband and a good dad. Having a strong and healthy marriage and feeling an emotional and physical bond with my wife is important. After 3 years of absolutely no intimate touch with my wife, I don't think raising it as a serious concern and feeling somewhat depressed about the situation is unreasonable or not normal.

 

 

As I mentioned in my previous post, I think it's becoming clear to me that finding a counsellor to help me through this issue is probably a good idea.

 

Trust me, they do. Married couples still maintain a sex life, even when having infants and toddlers who don't sleep through the night.

 

First of all, you need to stop feeling guilty about wanting and needing intimacy. It enables your wife to manipulate you more easily into doing what she wants.

 

You are a person in this marriage. Your desires matter too. She can't brush them off. I swear, this reminds me of that old saying ''We're all too busy thinking about what kind of a spouse we want to think about what kind of a spouse we want to be.''

 

That is exactly what your wife reminds me off - she is building a life that works for her and she is giving no thought at what works for you. She needs to be working on this issue.

 

Counseling and medical assistance should be a must for her so I definitely think you should push this issue and be more firm. Don't allow yourself to be guilted into submitting to her.

[Mr. Lucky]

But she just replies that our daughter needs her during the night and she is the priority.

 

The priority should be training your 2 1/2 year-old to sleep through the night.

 

http://seattlemamadoc.seattlechildrens.org/toddler-sleep-4-reasons-toddlers-wake-up-at-night/

 

Mr. Lucky

[getsmartie]

Hi OP,

 

Just wanted to chime in. I think your wife may secretly be happy that your daughter isn't sleeping through the night. It gives her yet another excuse not to be intimate.

 

I think in talking with her, you need to be more forceful regarding this issue. I certainly wouldn't want to have another child with her. She needs to see that the marriage is a priority just as much as the child!!!