False reconciliation

[heartwhole]

Personally, I think you should go ahead and end both relationships. You're not in any shape to be in a relationship right now. Get healthy. Get insight. Work on being the person you want to be. Once you've done that, a healthy relationship will be a natural extension of your life. A future relationship with one of these women isn't off the table, but at the moment, I don't think one woman or the other is the answer. The answer is that you need to work on you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Personally, I think you should go ahead and end both relationships. You're not in any shape to be in a relationship right now. Get healthy. Get insight. Work on being the person you want to be. Once you've done that, a healthy relationship will be a natural extension of your life. A future relationship with one of these women isn't off the table, but at the moment, I don't think one woman or the other is the answer. The answer is that you need to work on you.

 

But you know he is not going to do that. Men rarely leave unless they hop to a new woman. It's my experience IRL that woman generally are the ones initiating divorce for this very reason.

 

My H had a OW and I would rather he just leave than do what the OP is doing. That is just my opinion.

[MidnightBlue1980]

She is separated, but not divorced yet. She tells me all the time that she wants me to be exclusively hers. She is ready for commitment.

 

Calm, make a decision. We are a bunch of strangers on the internet. Some stayed, some left. Some fixed their marriages, Some divorced. Some married the AP, most did not. Pick the one you want to be with, own it and end this misery before you end up with nothing.

[heartwhole]

But you know he is not going to do that. Men rarely leave unless they hop to a new woman. It's my experience IRL that woman generally are the ones initiating divorce for this very reason.

 

My H had a OW and I would rather he just leave than do what the OP is doing. That is just my opinion.

 

True! If I thought he was actually going to follow my advice, I'd have responded with my usual wordiness. But I do think he can't build on the foundation he currently has with either woman. He needs to step back, fix himself, and then worry about building a healthy relationship with someone else.

[ChickiePops]

I am not filet mignon (depending on your definition), but I am a far cry from macaroni. I recognize the hypocrisy in expecting a certain standard when one is not exactly up to snuff themselves. But I have made a deliberate effort to get myself in sexy shape and my spouse isn't exactly there.

 

 

 

I appreciate your bluntness. And you're right. It's 100% my fault. No one else's. So what should I do? Dump the OW and divorce my spouse and live alone? I have the financial wherewithal to do that. I could do that. It would kind of suck, but I've always been independent, so I can survive.

 

What should you do? Be honest with both of them, that's what you should do. Leave and be alone unless you can get your sick, selfish impulses under control.

 

Are you going to do either of those things?

 

No? Didn't think so.

[ShatteredLady]

Calmb4 "But I have made a deliberate effort to get myself in sexy shape and my spouse isn't exactly there."

 

 

Yeh most people in affairs start to focus more on their physical appearance.

 

Don't worry, your wife will hit the gym & salon as soon as she's single. Plenty of men will appreciate her. Set her free to find a decent man & not one who cheats & compares women to meat!!

[ladydesigner]

Calmb4 "But I have made a deliberate effort to get myself in sexy shape and my spouse isn't exactly there."

 

 

Yeh most people in affairs start to focus more on their physical appearance.

 

Don't worry, your wife will hit the gym & salon as soon as she's single. Plenty of men will appreciate her. Set her free to find a decent man & not one who cheats & compares women to meat!!

 

Yep you know it! I read this all the time, the BS will get in shape and move on with her life while WS's life slowly implodes. I have read it here and on other forums over and over again.

[wmacbride]

While we're at it, I also feel I suffer a bit from the madonna/whore complex and maybe a bit of WKS too. My AP has some problems and I feel that I could make her life better, ironically, by giving up the one that I currently have. Would she stick with me longterm? Who knows? She says she would.

 

 

 

No, I'm not sure that I would. I'd probably kick myself. My AP knows that if I left my wife, it would mainly be to be with her.

 

I still love my wife, but then I wish she was fit and beautiful, and then I loathe myself more, because it's so superficial of me to want that. But we also only live once, and sexuality and attractiveness are important, are they not? She's not morbidly obese, but I crave a lululemon body. And I had never had that before I met my AP, and now that I've had a taste of it, I'm finding it hard to go back. It's like test driving a lambo and then returning to your civic. Or dining every night on filet mignon and then returning to Kraft macaroni. I'm really trivializing it and the metaphors are disrespectful, but you get the point. But the lambo and filet mignon both come with baggage too, so it's hard to sort out.

 

Um, that you would make that comparison and refer to your wife in such derogatory terms, not to mention the fact that you have been sleeping with someone else behind her back, shows you have no love or respect for your wife.

 

How can you think of her in that way? She is not "kraft dinner" or a "civic"...she is a human being who you are treating like cr@p, because as much as you would like to think of her as somehow not worthy enough, she is not second best. She is no kraft dinner, she is caviar, a luxurious item who deserves to be treated a such.

 

Right now, you may not be placing much value on loyalty, her loving actions, her kind heart, her gentle and forgiving soul. Those things may not matter to you, which is fair enough, as for some, they don't.

 

The thing is that, if you even have any respect for her as a human being who doesn't deserve to be hurt, let her go. Let her find the same happiness you feel entitled to have. Let her find her sports car and gourmet meal, as right now, all you are giving her is scraps.

 

I think you're too chicken to do it. You'd rather have her stay at your feet, and then if things don't work out with ow, you have her to run back to, all the while you will conveniently be bale to blame your bw and your marriage for keeping you form your dream rleationship.

 

Yes, I know I sound snakry, but you don't need kind words and a gentle hand. You need a smack upside the head.

[lemondrop21]

Ok, to be candid, I think I feel like I should be with my wife - that that's where my moral obligation lies -, but I like the idea of wanting to be with my affair partner. They are opposite people.

 

BS is loyal, compassionate, trustworthy, pretty -- but not stunning, slightly overweight, grounded, intelligent, caring

 

AP is outgoing, charming, humorous, sassy, flirty, sexy, gorgeous, stunning (body of a 20 yr old)

 

AP and BS both want me for themselves. With AP I feel like there are already some trust issues that I have (can't help but wonder where she is or what she's doing if prolonged gap in communication) even though I recognize that I have no right to these feelings anyway unless we were exclusively together. I'm sure it's more of a product of the way we met than anything else, as I'm reasonably confident she isn't involved with anyone else and she tells me as much.[/QUOTE]

 

Wait, isn't OW still married? Or is she separated, I can't remember... if she is separated, and is going on dates with others, you absolutely can't hold that against her. You're still going home to your wife every night for Christ's sake.

 

FWIW, when I was with xMM I dated others and would say so if he asked. I didn't sleep with others but I went on dates. To not do so would have felt pathetic given that he was in no way committed to me. It helped me keep my sanity. If I had the chance to be in a committed to him, I would have been. Everyone is different and if your gut says "trust issues" then listen... just don't hold her to some weird standard that you are in no way holding yourself to.

 

This isn't meant as a vote in the direction of your OW - I agree with others that you need to work on yourself and seek therapy if at all possible.

 

Also might be worthwhile to try thinking of both BW and OW as multi-dimensional people who may share more traits than you realize. Your BW may have a glamorous side that hasn't come out in awhile, but might show itself in light of genuine attention and affection from you. Your OW may have a nurturing, caring side, and might not appreciate being pegged as the "whore" in your "Madonna/whore" complex. These are two whole people who, at the moment, both have half a relationship.

 

I hope for the sake of all involved, you really commit to therapy. This is beyond the help of a message board.

[wmacbride]

That's pretty funny!!! She's ready for commitment but she's still married!

 

Do you even comprehend what she is actually telling you? You're married - she's married!

 

Sheez, what's wrong with proper order? Get divorced! Let her get divorced too! Then see how it is dating her.

 

Sounds to me like the ow just wants someone to catch her when she falls from one relationship. Is that love?

[Mr. Lucky]

But I have made a deliberate effort to get myself in sexy shape and my spouse isn't exactly there.

 

I wonder if she's distracted by the responsibility of holding down the fort and caring for your small children while you're out shopping for new cuts of steak?

 

Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

Do you have sons or daughters?

 

I hope you are instilling the important life values if you have girls.

 

Sit them down & explain that although you love Mummy she's let herself go a bit & doesn't deserve love or loyalty anymore. Introduce them to their potential new stepmother so they know how they need to look if they want to keep a man & know 'love' in their lives.

 

Remember girls 'it's what's outside that counts'. See you every other weekend!

[dreamingoftigers]

I wonder if she's distracted by the responsibility of holding down the fort and caring for your small children while you're out shopping for new cuts of steak?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This guy is more a pattern than a person.

 

OP. Look up the ending to your story ALL OVER this site.

 

While you lust after your AP, and destroy your marriage eventually your wife will see what a pattern you've become and leave.

 

Then you, just like ALL THE OTHER MM will come wailing back here begging for help on how to fix it.

 

Just leave now, you've done enough damage. You don't appreciate your wife whatsoever. You might as well prepare your children for the blowout.

 

And yes, it greatly screws over the kids.....ask me how I know....

[calmb4thestorm]

Well, as a brief update for anyone who remembers me or followed my story, I finally ended things a few days ago with the OW permanently. It has been a long and windy road, but it was my own decision. I went to IC many times throughout the last six months and I am not proud of my actions or the person I had become. Since going NC, I have had highs and lows and find myself missing her daily, but also recognize that it was like a poison...an addiction I was feeding. I am struggling with the decision, seeing it as a 'door closed', rather than finding myself again, but it is probably for the best. I have never suffered through such emotional pain and torment...and all at the hands of myself. Now comes the question of whether to salvage what's left of my marriage.

[aileD]

Well, as a brief update for anyone who remembers me or followed my story, I finally ended things a few days ago with the OW permanently. It has been a long and windy road, but it was my own decision. I went to IC many times throughout the last six months and I am not proud of my actions or the person I had become. Since going NC, I have had highs and lows and find myself missing her daily, but also recognize that it was like a poison...an addiction I was feeding. I am struggling with the decision, seeing it as a 'door closed', rather than finding myself again, but it is probably for the best. I have never suffered through such emotional pain and torment...and all at the hands of myself. Now comes the question of whether to salvage what's left of my marriage.

 

Your story is very similar to mine. I'm the BS. My H it off his affair about three months ago. The feelings do start to fade and we are doing better in our marriage so hang in there.

 

What you had with the OW was a super hyped up limerence part of a relationship...the beginning stages where everything is intense and amazing....and because it was in secret--it made it even more intense. The relationship with OW could last....but it probably wouldn't have because of the way it started.

 

I'm assuming youve been with your wife for awhile. You had the same limerence at the beginning of your relarionship with her too. But it matured over time....you didn't get that in the affair because the very nature of an affair keeps you stuck in limerence.

 

I think you did the right thing. You need to decide to stay married or not with no other woman involved in that. It should be a decision you and your wife make and agree upon and if there is someone else involved you will never know if you could have made it work and when you have children, you need peace of mind with this. Those kids didn't ask to be born. You and you wife brought them into this world, into a family and a divorce will definitely alter their lives and you have no way of knowing how much it will alter them personally. A divorce takes away their security and they need security. And if you leave in the midst of an affair, it won't be pretty. It will hurt the kids even more. Because you have a family, because your marriage is still salvageable (wife wants to try, no abuse, etc), I think you owe it to your wife and your kids to give it an honest effort with no one else involved. Otherwise you end up leaving for the OW, then you have a wake up call and get scared and go back. And you end up doing s back and forth thing till your wife wants to die and your kids are traumatized. That's not fair to put on people who never asked for this.

 

My kids are 16 and 13 and my h affair (which is very similar to yours) destroyed them. Even though he is back in the house and working on our marriage, our kids have not recovered. Our son lost his security. He asks all the time where dad is...(he's at work, he's in the backyard, etc). He is terrified he will leave again. Our daughter just doesn't talk to him. She uses him leaving against him all the time. She feels abandoned.

 

All because he was so caught up in the addiction, the limerence, the "love"...and his OW said she'd wait for him too even when he'd leave her to come home.

 

If you're going to fight for your marriage, you need to be committed to NC. You need to tell the OW NOT to wait for you. That it's not a "wait and see if my marriage works out"...you needs to be clear that is completely over and you need to be compete no contact. Even if that means leaving your job. Need to delete all secret emails and apps and block her number and her email.

 

If you're not willing to do that, then just move out and file for divorce now. Because the push and pull of waffling back and forth is going to emotionally destroy your wife. If you care about her at all, don't let this happen.

 

I am proof relationships can get better. Me and H are going well three months out. We have learned a lot and are much closer than before. You will never ever have the limerence part back with your wife because that is something that happens in the beginning of relationships...so you cannot compare your love to wife to love for OW based on the limerence stage. Limerence will always win but isn't always a good indicator of a long lasting love.

 

I wish you and your wife and kids the best

[aileD]

http://Www.affairrecovery.com is a great website

[CommittedToThis]

I read this entire thread today and all I got was this stupid t-shirt.

 

From the very first post my guts screamed "NARCISSIST."

 

The OP's self-absorption, the lack of empathy, the triangulating, the humiliation, the disrespect, the deliberate emotional manipuation, the thoroughly detached attitude towards the children, the "yeah, I'm an azzho!e" and "yep, I'm just a selfish prick" textbook passive aggression, the hyper-sexuality, the recklessness, the addictive nature, all the signs are there.

 

If I'm right, the OP's BS is and has been "onto him" forever (that's why his 1st confession didn't phase her into leaving, she already knew about it) and has likely cheated on the OP herself, repeatedly.

 

OP paints BS as this all-suffering saint holding it all together but something tells me she's onto this clown and gets all she wants on the side. Obviously she hasn't been getting it at home.

 

Narcs and cheaters get what they deserve -- nothing.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Well, as a brief update for anyone who remembers me or followed my story, I finally ended things a few days ago with the OW permanently. It has been a long and windy road, but it was my own decision. I went to IC many times throughout the last six months and I am not proud of my actions or the person I had become. Since going NC, I have had highs and lows and find myself missing her daily, but also recognize that it was like a poison...an addiction I was feeding. I am struggling with the decision, seeing it as a 'door closed', rather than finding myself again, but it is probably for the best. I have never suffered through such emotional pain and torment...and all at the hands of myself. Now comes the question of whether to salvage what's left of my marriage.

 

Only a few days ago? Your pain and suffering is just starting. I say that with kindness, I went through my own year of hell on earth. It's good you made a decision, now you must stick to you. Do not go back and forth with the OW. It is unbelievably cruel to everyone.

 

Are you going to tell your wife? That is the next step.

[Dis]

Hi Calm

 

I just read through whole thread and...wow

 

I know you have tons of posts to shift through but...you should think about this....

 

I havent heard you speak much about the pain you've caused your wife or kids

 

Most of what you post is about you're feelings, you're AP, whats best for your future

 

I dont think you're even beginning to grasp the absolute devasation you've caused your wife....just reading your posts I feel like I want to cry for her

 

Pls do yourself a favor and google things like gas lighting, triangulation etc etc and the effects of those behaviors....because if you think your hurt???? You have no idea how your wife feels

 

You have a paper cut and your wife is on the ground with multiple knife wounds to the chest

 

Calm, I'm not telling you this to berate you...I'm telling you this because if you want to save your marriage you need to understand how your wife feels....if dont you see and feel things from her point of view....both you and your wife will never heal from this

 

Best of luck to you

[Mr. Lucky]

Now comes the question of whether to salvage what's left of my marriage.

 

You (again) don't mention her, but what does your wife think has been happening for the last 6 months ???

 

Mr. Lucky