False reconciliation

[Mr. Lucky]

so she's working, great. who's gonna quit their job and look after these soon to be orphans?

 

I don't see how these kinds of pejorative labels help. Children hardly become "orphans" during or after a divorce.

 

This is a support forum, right ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[heartwhole]

Um. Couldn't you say the same about OP? This logic always seems warped to me.

 

I think this is something that APs, especially those contemplating a future together, tend to sweep over. My WH absolutely now realizes that OW, as a woman who was willing to fly halfway across the world to sleep with a married man with the hopes of breaking up his marriage, is not on par with me, a woman who has always acted in good faith with abundant respect for self and others. He would have been trading down to make that deal.

 

Now whichever of us wound up with the cheating dope, which turned out to be me, has to evaluate whether a known cheater is someone to be trusted in the future. You and I have talked at length so I know you know my reasons for cautiously trusting my husband at this point. He has done a lot of work on himself. But if we're talking about evaluating which is the "smarter" option, in many cases I would say, for the cheater at least, it's the faithful spouse who has stuck by in thick and thin. It's not the interloper who has proved herself less firm in morals and respect of self.

 

Of course, we don't always know the history and character of the BS, but in my case, I am proud to say I have always treated others as I want to be treated, and I have never lied or cheated to get what I want.

[Cymbeline]

I think this is something that APs, especially those contemplating a future together, tend to sweep over. My WH absolutely now realizes that OW, as a woman who was willing to fly halfway across the world to sleep with a married man with the hopes of breaking up his marriage, is not on par with me, a woman who has always acted in good faith with abundant respect for self and others. He would have been trading down to make that deal.

 

Now whichever of us wound up with the cheating dope, which turned out to be me, has to evaluate whether a known cheater is someone to be trusted in the future. You and I have talked at length so I know you know my reasons for cautiously trusting my husband at this point. He has done a lot of work on himself. But if we're talking about evaluating which is the "smarter" option, in many cases I would say, for the cheater at least, it's the faithful spouse who has stuck by in thick and thin. It's not the interloper who has proved herself less firm in morals and respect of self.

 

Of course, we don't always know the history and character of the BS, but in my case, I am proud to say I have always treated others as I want to be treated, and I have never lied or cheated to get what I want.[/quote

 

In the final analysis, this is important to most of us, even if we ourselves have behaved without honour. Inside ourselves we know what is 'right'. It's partly why therapists always, always insist on good behaviour ( the other part being that they don't want to be party to any behaviour that ends up in court)

[Miss Clavel]

I don't see how these kinds of pejorative labels help. Children hardly become "orphans" during or after a divorce.

 

This is a support forum, right ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

well, in your opinion they are not orphans but in my opinion and in my house, they are.

 

thank you.

[Lady Hamilton]

An orphan has neither parent... That isn't the case here. Even if they divorce. And if they divorce, nobody has to stay home to care for children, nor would the ex of OP have to stay home to care for OW's kids. That just makes no sense.

 

If anything, divorce and shared custody potentially makes working easier as now the kids have a guaranteed amount of time at the ex's house.

 

My AP left his wife to be with me and there was never a point where they were "orphaned." They are happy and healthy and have strong relationships with thier mother and father, as well as me. Every birthday, school event, sports event, milestone, doctors visit, parent teacher conference, and life event has been attended by me and either or both their mother and father (depending on work schedules).

[calmb4thestorm]

Hi,

 

I'm seeking opinions on false reconciliation with a wayward spouse (myself) and yo-yoing with decision making. Aside from the obvious fact that I'm not a good person and am hurting both my wife and the OW by my lack of decision-making, I truthfully want to know your opinions on what my actions mean...because I've analyzed them a lot.

 

During my affair, I began to feel extreme guilt. The issue is that my wife and I attempted reconciliation after D-day (which i disclosed myself...no prompting from wife), but then waffled back and forth in my decision-making process (unbeknownst to my wife) and ended up continuing a physical affair with OW again without wife's knowledge. This time, I have not disclosed it (knowing it would probably be the nail in the coffin)..and I'm not really feeling any remorse or guilt anymore.

 

Does the fact that I continued it after reconciliation mean I dont love my wife? Or the fact that i dont feel guilt anymore? Or is it still the affair fog? If I don't love my wife, I want to leave her. It is decision time.

[DKT3]

Why ask us if you love your wife? I'm guessing by that question alone you don't.

[minimariah]

i'm sure you're able to figure out if you love your wife on your own. and as far as the guilt and remorse go... well, the 1st time is always the hardest! after that, it just gets easier - i think that's why you don't feel anything anymore.

 

i wouldn't tell her about false reconciliation; sit down and tell her you can't do this & you're done with the marriage. figure out the finances & 50/50 custody and take some kind of family counseling for coparenting during the first months. once you get it going, the kids settle... it gets easier. good luck.

Edited June 27, 2016 by minimariah

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I don't know about "love", but your actions qualify you for the Worst Husband of the Year award. Ask yourself this question, "Does your wife deserve to be treated like this?" especially from the man that vowed to love and cherish and whatever else you promised her. Tell her the truth and let her decide the fate of your marriage. You owe her that much.

[heartwhole]

This update makes me sad and angry. What possible justification can you have for continuing the affair while pretending to work on your marriage with your wife? If you were making emotionally healthy and honest choices, you would simply tell your wife it's over and pursue an honest relationship with the OW. The way you are doing things reduces the already minuscule chances that you and the OW will work out long term because at least one of you is not capable of being in a healthy relationship at the moment.

 

So yes, you are probably doing this because you want to blow up your marriage. It's a terrible way to do it, but at least your wife will realize how hopeless you are when you come clean (again). I can tell you as a BW that I would have had zero interest in working on my marriage if my husband had done what you are doing. And I probably would have impaled him with a fork.

 

The reason most affairs do not work out is not for lack of love or compatibility. It's because the people who choose to enter them are already handicapped by lack of judgment, self-esteem, conflict resolution and coping skills, etc. So then they are thrown together in the midst of at least one collapsing marriage and it's a wonder that even 0.75% (yes, that's three-quarters of one percent) turn into long term marriages that don't themselves end in divorce.

Edited June 27, 2016 by heartwhole

[understand50]

Grow up....

 

 

You are hurting the woman you married, and you are leading on the OW. In each case you are not acting Honorably, and deserved the worst each can give you. You are acting like a self centered child, who is getting away with it for now. The end result is that you will lose each, and I would have to say, good for them. They dodge a huge bullet. Hope you do not have children. As you not loving your wife, you are deliberately, cold bloody continuing with actions that will bring great hurt and pain. Why ask the question?

 

So, what can you do? Stop the affair, tell your wife everything, and hope she will give you a second, chance knowing you do not really deserve one. IF she does, work hard to live up to her love, and if she dos not, leave with as much class, and love for her as you can muster.

 

I wish you luck........

[MadJackBird]

Hi,

 

I'm seeking opinions on false reconciliation with a wayward spouse (myself) and yo-yoing with decision making. Aside from the obvious fact that I'm not a good person and am hurting both my wife and the OW by my lack of decision-making, I truthfully want to know your opinions on what my actions mean...because I've analyzed them a lot.

 

During my affair, I began to feel extreme guilt. The issue is that my wife and I attempted reconciliation after D-day (which i disclosed myself...no prompting from wife), but then waffled back and forth in my decision-making process (unbeknownst to my wife) and ended up continuing a physical affair with OW again without wife's knowledge. This time, I have not disclosed it (knowing it would probably be the nail in the coffin)..and I'm not really feeling any remorse or guilt anymore.

 

Does the fact that I continued it after reconciliation mean I dont love my wife? Or the fact that i dont feel guilt anymore? Or is it still the affair fog? If I don't love my wife, I want to leave her. It is decision time.

 

You don't love your wife The actions you describe are not the actions of someone that is acting loving towards their wife.

 

You should leave her and let her find love from someone that does love her and won't betray her. It's that simple.

[aliveagain]

Second chances are earned, you obviously squandered yours and never got the professional help you needed to find out what got you to where you are in the first place. If you don't put enough value on your marriage, enough to make you stop your deception and infidelity then maybe it's time to let it all go. Some people just don't get it, they miss the most important step in getting past an affair and that is that both parties in the marriage want to fix things. The other important steps are:

 

.sever all ties with the lover, no contact.

.become transparent with one's spouse until trust is restored.

.be honest about the affair

.rekindle the passion with your wife(not the other woman).

 

You failed every one of these necessary steps, you are very poor marriage material for your wife and every other woman because you never fixed what is broken in you. You might as well start splitting your assets and work out visitation schedules for your children if you have children. Your about to make a lot of lawyers very happy, expect some serious adjustments to your currant way of life. You suck at being a husband. You don't need us to answer your question, you already know the answer.

[calmb4thestorm]

Second chances are earned, you obviously squandered yours and never got the professional help you needed to find out what got you to where you are in the first place. If you don't put enough value on your marriage, enough to make you stop your deception and infidelity then maybe it's time to let it all go. Some people just don't get it, they miss the most important step in getting past an affair and that is that both parties in the marriage want to fix things. The other important steps are:

 

.sever all ties with the lover, no contact.

.become transparent with one's spouse until trust is restored.

.be honest about the affair

.rekindle the passion with your wife(not the other woman).

 

You failed every one of these necessary steps, you are very poor marriage material for your wife and every other woman because you never fixed what is broken in you. You might as well start splitting your assets and work out visitation schedules for your children if you have children. Your about to make a lot of lawyers very happy, expect some serious adjustments to your currant way of life. You suck at being a husband. You don't need us to answer your question, you already know the answer.

 

I agree I failed every step.

 

I actually did go to IC immediately after D-day and continued many sessions thereafter with same counselor, explaining that I was having a hard time making decisions and my eventual false reconciliation to him. He likened it to a 'relapse'. I guess I dont deserve either person.

[heartwhole]

Does the fact that I continued it after reconciliation mean I dont love my wife? Or the fact that i dont feel guilt anymore? Or is it still the affair fog? If I don't love my wife, I want to leave her. It is decision time.

 

If I'm reading you right, you're asking if your choice to continue the affair and lack of remorse are a sign that your love for OW is true and special. No, I don't think one follows the other. Rather, I think they reflect your (lack of) character and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I think it's very possible you have done all this because you want out of your marriage, but sharing love and sex with another woman is not how a healthy person sorts all of this out.

 

If it helps you gauge the specialness of your relationship with OW, I can share what I know of my husband's affair. He really thought his feelings for her were real. He was conflicted, sought counseling, confided an EA with friends (too ashamed to admit to a PA), exhibited signs of guilt and stress. When I asked a direct enough question that he could no longer just commit the sin of omission and had to lie outright, he confessed (to an EA). He told her they had to go NC, but he sent her smoke signals for 5 days via social media. Once I figured that out and he deleted/blocked her on everything, it took another week for him to move on. I will never forget him chirpily exclaiming, "I thought it would be much harder to give her up!" Well, goody for you.

 

Then I discovered it had really been a PA and I think any residual moping and self-pity were replaced by frantic efforts to hang onto me. I encouraged him to be with the OW because I was not impressed by the prospect of a future with him, and his eyes widened in horror (I'm sure OW would be gutted to know that this "love of a life time" was so distasteful once it became a real option). Still, we loved each other, and I wasn't going to give up right away for the kids' sake. Soon after, Mr. Self-Centered was chirpily exclaiming, "It's like we're on a second honeymoon!" Well, goody for you.

 

I cannot imagine reconciling if I had to be second fiddle to an adulteress. Luckily my WH resolved his feelings for OW in those confusing early days when I really didn't understand the depth of the affair. It's hard enough to heal and move on with a husband who IS desperate to lose me and genuinely seems to worship the ground I walk on. The fact that he wasn't and didn't for 5 months is still a scar that will always smart. But emotionally recommitting to me and our marriage was just the first step. He has done a lot of work on himself, to stop putting himself first and feeling sorry for himself, to worry more about giving and less about getting, to communicate when he feels upset or distant, to participate in a virtuous cycle instead of a vicious one, etc.

 

Now, conveniently for us, the OW lives halfway across the world. Who knows how NC would have gone if she didn't. Who knows if I could have forgiven an affair when I could cross paths with the OW any time.

 

You're doing all three of you a disservice here. You need to work on you now; a healthy relationship will be a natural byproduct if you can develop healthy coping skills and insight into how to treat yourself and others.

[Liam1]

Hi,

 

 

Does the fact that I continued it after reconciliation mean I dont love my wife? Or the fact that i dont feel guilt anymore? Or is it still the affair fog? If I don't love my wife, I want to leave her. It is decision time.

 

It sounds as if you are one that stays in the affair fog.

 

An affair is like a cocaine addiction for some. The high of the affair feeds the same neurotransmitters and simulates the same brain chemistry as the dopamine high of cocaine.

 

Do you have an addictive personality?

 

For example do you drink too excess? Do you smoke or vape? Do you eat too much chocolate or sweets? Do you gamble?

 

If so you may have an addictive personality, and it may take you awhile to detox from the affair.

 

A false reconciliation is common, after an affair.

 

It does not ALWAYS indicate that you do not love your wife.

 

whether or not you love your wife is something you need to figure out.

 

It is possible that your wife is doing very hurtful things in the marriage and thus you sought an affair.

 

It's also possible that your wife is a really good wife.

 

But only you know the truth.

 

Get individual counseling to talk to a professional about this.

 

It is sad that too often people give up on their marriage, but in the end, typically two years, they regret ending their marriage.

 

I have a cousin whom I have not talked to in awhile who just informed me that her husband had an affair and she divorced him immediately.

 

Now, two years later, she regrets acting so rashly because he wanted to go to counseling and work on things.

 

To that end, she contacted him to discuss a reconciliation. It's too late, though about six months ago he met another woman and they are now engaged.

 

Do not do anything without thinking it through carefully.

[aliveagain]

I agree I failed every step.

 

I actually did go to IC immediately after D-day and continued many sessions thereafter with same counselor, explaining that I was having a hard time making decisions and my eventual false reconciliation to him. He likened it to a 'relapse'. I guess I dont deserve either person.

 

How can you be in reconciliation if your still having an affair? The bolded portion tells me that you lied to your counselor too and at some point came clean to him. Marriage counselling is a waste of money if your still cheating, independent counselling is what you need so you can find out what's broken in you. You need to decide if you really want to be married and then commit one way or the other. Your wife needs to know the truth. Your no good to either woman until you get to the root of your problem that causes you to cheat.

[Mr. Lucky]

Your no good to either woman until you get to the root of your problem that causes you to cheat.

 

Agreed, I think you're asking the wrong question. It's not "what does this say about my marriage?", it should be "what does this say about me?".

 

That you would again cheat on your wife after she's agreed to reconcile is unconscionable. It's not your marriage, it's your character failing the sniff test...

 

Mr. Lucky

[calmb4thestorm]

Agreed, I think you're asking the wrong question. It's not "what does this say about my marriage?", it should be "what does this say about me?".

 

That you would again cheat on your wife after she's agreed to reconcile is unconscionable. It's not your marriage, it's your character failing the sniff test...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Ok. Then what is wrong with me? How do i fix my character? I wasn't abused as a kid. I didn't have a bad upbringing. Why am I a piece of sh*t?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree with aa and mr lucky

 

In reality there is no such thing as false reconciliation. You either attempt reconciliation or you don't.

 

If you are still cheating there is no reconciliation..there is still cheating and lying... But no reconciliation false or otherwise.

 

If you want to be married then be married

If you want to be single then be single

 

But it is not fair to anybody including yourself ... To try to have it both ways.

 

You need ic to try to figure out why you are making the choices you are making... Meanwhile.. It is only fair that you come clean with your wife... She may help you to decide your future ...

 

Fool me once but don't fool me twice

 

I feel sorry for your wife... This is really sad for her

[calmb4thestorm]

Should it bother me that I could literally flip a coin and make a decision on whether to be with my wife or OW based on that? It is literal ambivalence. Because at this point, I just need to pick a route and stick with it.

 

Or does ambivalence indicate I should be single?

[minimariah]

Or does ambivalence indicate I should be single?

 

bingo. /10characters

[ladydesigner]

Agreed, I think you're asking the wrong question. It's not "what does this say about my marriage?", it should be "what does this say about me?".

 

That you would again cheat on your wife after she's agreed to reconcile is unconscionable. It's not your marriage, it's your character failing the sniff test...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Absolute character failure agreed!

 

My WH put me through 2 years of False R. I was planning on D, but he had a cancer scare that put me straight into limbo for these last 2 years. I have lost every ounce of respect I had left for my WH. I won't ever trust him again, not sure I even like him as a person anymore. I loved who we used to be, but that has been burned to the ground with his False R.

[ladydesigner]

Should it bother me that I could literally flip a coin and make a decision on whether to be with my wife or OW based on that? It is literal ambivalence. Because at this point, I just need to pick a route and stick with it.

 

Or does ambivalence indicate I should be single?

 

Omg are you serious? You can make a life decision like that with the flip of a coin. I think you have deep issues to work out in IC before you could be a capable partner to your BS or the OW. Neither woman deserves this.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If you do not passionately want your wife.. If she means no more than the flip if a coin... Cut her loose...

 

And please get therapy