Would YOU consider this cheating? So ....

[usa1ah]

Just an example. I think we have all read a thread at some point where a couples pillow talk has gone to far. It starts out as a fantasy they talk about, then over time one of them gets a message "going for it". To late to stop the shi train express. Things of a sexual nature have a tendency of getting out of hand no matter how innocent they start out.

[Secondrodeo]

Please let me clarify something: my husband didn't "ogle" my friends boobs at any point when we've all been together. He is a "boob man" & hers are hard to miss.

 

Edited to add: there's no way I could even begin to control what my husband looks at. I'm not sure how I was ever supposed to control that.

[66Charger]

After reading MJA post, I feel i have to rebut my own post.

 

At the end of the day, this isnt about boobs or sexual jokes. It is about trust and trust should NEVER be minimized. If their relationship dynamic was that sexual banter was ok, then that is probaly because rodeo had trust that her H would not take it to far.

 

There should not have been a need to discuss boundaries.

 

There are some things you just dont do and there should not be excuses.

 

Hopefully he gets it and doesnt use the flimsy logic that I did.

 

No guy would buy any excuse, if he read a text that said "send me a picture of your dick"

Edited June 29, 2016 by 66Charger

[usa1ah]

Please let me clarify something: my husband didn't "ogle" my friends boobs at any point when we've all been together. He is a "boob man" & hers are hard to miss.

 

Edited to add: there's no way I could even begin to control what my husband looks at. I'm not sure how I was ever supposed to control that.

 

 

 

I am sorry, I thought you said the 3 of you knew he had a thing for hers, all breast really.

 

 

If I miss read that I am sorry.

[usa1ah]

Please let me clarify something: my husband didn't "ogle" my friends boobs at any point when we've all been together. He is a "boob man" & hers are hard to miss.

 

Edited to add: there's no way I could even begin to control what my husband looks at. I'm not sure how I was ever supposed to control that.

 

 

 

Not saying control what he looks at but talking about how it make you feel when he does start to stare. Did you never catch him at it?

 

 

Sorry, but with there conversation, he had been looking at them for a good bit to get to the point he was at and your BF knew it.

[usa1ah]

After reading MJA post, I feel i have to rebut my own post.

 

At the end of the day, this isnt about boobs or sexual jokes. It is about trust and trust should NEVER be minimized. If their relationship dynamic was that sexual banter was ok, then that is probaly because rodeo had trust that her H would not take it to far.

 

There should not have been a need to discuss boundaries.

 

There are some things you just dont do and there should not be excuses.

 

Hopefully he gets it and doesnt use the flimsy logic that I did.

 

No guy would buy any excuse, if he read a text that said "send me a picture of your dick"

 

 

 

Sorry but not true. I was in the military and have seen first hand how comfortable people get with each other hanging out all the time when it comes to sex. I have seen a guy whip his out and an others wife take a picture all in fun. Also another wife flashing the group because of something that was said. I have seen things form one end of the spectrum to the other and try and take the middle ground. What is ok with one couple would never fly with the next.

 

 

The issue is that he wanted to keep it a secret from his wife and the lying about it afterwards. Yes he screwed up, this is result, what lead to this is what needs to be fixed.

Edited June 29, 2016 by usa1ah

[Mrs. John Adams]

Sorry but not true. I was in the military and have seen first hand how comfortable people get with each other hanging out all the time when it comes to sex. I have seen a guy whip his out and an others wife take a picture all in fun. Also another wife flashing the group because of something that was said. I have seen things form one end of the spectrum to the other and try and take the middle ground. What is ok with one couple would never fly with the next.

 

 

The issue is that he wanted to keep it a secret from his wife and the lying about it afterwards. Yes he screwed up, this is result, what lead to this is what needs to be fixed.

 

Rodeo has made it very clear that they only see each other once a year. There is sexual banter... No one has ever crossed lines.

 

We are not judging their behavior and whether or not we approve or disapprove. It is none of our business.

 

The issue here is the husbands behavior behind his wife's back. I would not call it cheating... But it was inappropriate and so far over rodeos line that it may have jeopardized their relationship.

 

To me ... She is over reacting... But it doesn't matter what I think. At the end of the day this is about rodeo and her husband. I cannot dictate how she should feel. She feels the way she feels about it.

 

It sounds to me like she and her husband are working on it and that's all the matters.

 

I do believe that this friendship with the other couple is permanently damaged and will probably be over. Rodeo will have a hard time ever trusting the other wife... And with good reason.

[Pollyannaslim]

Hi Second Rodeo –

 

 

How is everything? I am so sorry you are going through this. It is painful when we have been deceived by the one we love the most. When lied to, - or betrayed in any way, it can really trip us up, right? Many, I think would agree, too that the action isn’t necessarily the sole source of that pain, but the secrecy, lies and denial that follow. And… although it isn’t about “us,” it’s hard not to take it personally sometimes, right?

 

 

 

I can see by some of the things you have written, you are a strong woman and there is no doubt you will get through this! Surrounding yourself with a support system is key and coming here is a good start. It’s clear there are many that are behind you and in carefully reading through all of the replies to your post, it seems as though you have been given some pretty sound advice. I am so thankful you are “in the camp” of giving 2nd chances and that your H has agreed to counseling. Even though you and he have established boundaries in the past, this will also be a great opportunity for you both to revisit them. Sometimes circumstances warrant a little revision; building higher hedges – so to speak -and that may/may not include re-evaulating whether or not those with whom you socialize are truly friends of your marriage (these lines can get a little blurry now and then), and other influences that may jeopardize your relationship.

 

 

I am wondering if you, too, will consider talking with someone – just part of that support system mentioned earlier. I do know from experience learning to trust again can be a difficult road to travel – with peaks, valleys twists and turns – especially in cases of infidelity, for example. And a professional can certainly equip you with the tools to navigate the journey. There are also a plethora of resources available as well, from books, articles – even your pastor. When I read your post, the first thing that popped into my mind was the very insightful book “Not Just Friends”, by S. Glass. If you haven’t read it already, I hope to encourage you to do so.

 

 

 

Again, I think it is fantastic that you and your H have the desire to work through this together. As an advocate of marriage, it is my hope that you both exhaust every option available to you. I do believe that with a lot of hard work, open communication and compromise amazing things can happen. Will it be easy? No. Will it be worth it? An emphatic YES!

 

 

Finally, please take care of YOURself. Eat, stay busy and rest when you can. I know this is difficult and draining, but you are so strong and will get through this.

I wish you well and truly would like to know how you are doing... please keep us posted.

Edited June 29, 2016 by Pollyannaslim

[Secondrodeo]

Hi Second Rodeo –

 

 

How is everything? I am so sorry you are going through this. It is painful when we have been deceived by the one we love the most. When lied to, - or betrayed in any way, it can really trip us up, right? Many, I think would agree, too that the action isn’t necessarily the sole source of that pain, but the secrecy, lies and denial that follow. And… although it isn’t about “us,” it’s hard not to take it personally sometimes, right?

 

 

 

I can see by some of the things you have written, you are a strong woman and there is no doubt you will get through this! Surrounding yourself with a support system is key and coming here is a good start. It’s clear there are many that are behind you and in carefully reading through all of the replies to your post, it seems as though you have been given some pretty sound advice. I am so thankful you are “in the camp” of giving 2nd chances and that your H has agreed to counseling. Even though you and he have established boundaries in the past, this will also be a great opportunity for you both to revisit them. Sometimes circumstances warrant a little revision; building higher hedges – so to speak -and that may/may not include re-evaulating whether or not those with whom you socialize are truly friends of your marriage (these lines can get a little blurry now and then), and other influences that may jeopardize your relationship.

 

 

I am wondering if you, too, will consider talking with someone – just part of that support system mentioned earlier. I do know from experience learning to trust again can be a difficult road to travel – with peaks, valleys twists and turns – especially in cases of infidelity, for example. And a professional can certainly equip you with the tools to navigate the journey. There are also a plethora of resources available as well, from books, articles – even your pastor. When I read your post, the first thing that popped into my mind was the very insightful book “Not Just Friends”, by S. Glass. If you haven’t read it already, I hope to encourage you to do so.

 

 

 

Again, I think it is fantastic that you and your H have the desire to work through this together. As an advocate of marriage, it is my hope that you both exhaust every option available to you. I do believe that with a lot of hard work, open communication and compromise amazing things can happen. Will it be easy? No. Will it be worth it? An emphatic YES!

 

 

Finally, please take care of YOURself. Eat, stay busy and rest when you can. I know this is difficult and draining, but you are so strong and will get through this.

I wish you well and truly would like to know how you are doing... please keep us posted.

 

Wow, your post is so kind. Thank you for your kind words and positivity.

I'm doing pretty well today. Yesterday was not a good day - I could not get it out of my mind. Work kept me very busy today so I didn't have time to really give the situation much thought. I suppose that's a good thing as long as we revisit it in order to work through it.

 

You may have read in another one of my posts, but my first marriage of 17 yrs ended when my ex left me for his mistress. I went to counseling and did a lot of reading about self -care and forgiveness throughout the divorce. It helped me to come out wiser and stronger than I ever had been. It's that experience that's given me insight into betrayal. Some of that insight is positive; but it also left me a bit less trusting of my current husband, which probably isn't fair.

 

Thank you again for your words of support and advice. We are still planning to start counseling soon, so my hopes are that we'll come out stronger on the other side. But the work my husband has to do to earn my forgiveness and trust will take a lot of time. And I hope I'm able to move beyond the hurt and anger sooner rather than later, as it is an awful place to live.

[Grapesofwrath]

Rodeo: I'm sorry you are hurting and am fully supportive of counseling in whatever form. Self-awareness is always a good thing.

 

I read your original post, and felt that familiar stabbing pain of betrayal. I also noted your husband's initial response of minimizing, denying, and then trying to pressure you into a quick response so he can feel better about things. This is pretty classic gaslighting. It also sounds like he knows how to hide things and he made efforts to keep things hidden from you, which tells you that he knew he was doing wrong but proceeded anyway. His career in law enforcement has probably taught him a thing or two about how to conceal.

 

You are married, and that means you should try everything you can to heal the union before you abandon it. I'm sure you learned that in your first marriage. Having said that, I would suggest you read Chump Lady. She very strongly advocates for leaving, and that may not be the right course of action for you. Either way, it will help you recognize the patterns that you are seeing so you can move forward with your eyes open.

 

Please don't blame yourself. This isn't on you. Nor would I waste time judging your friend. This is squarely on the shoulders of your husband, as he is the one who made a vow of fidelity to you.

[Pollyannaslim]

Hi.

Just wanted to see if you have had a better week! Thank YOU for your kind response as well.

 

Because you have been through this before, I kn!ow you are not unfamiliar with the days that feel like a rollercoaster and am sure you learned the tool of mindfullness. My heart breaks that that "skill" was ever even necessary.

 

Anyway..it is my hope that by now, your H has truly taken the steps toward showing you his sincerity in making the necessary changes. I am so proud of you for holding on to your strength and resolve!

 

I will continue to keep you both in my prayers.

-P

[Secondrodeo]

Hi.

Just wanted to see if you have had a better week! Thank YOU for your kind response as well.

 

Because you have been through this before, I kn!ow you are not unfamiliar with the days that feel like a rollercoaster and am sure you learned the tool of mindfullness. My heart breaks that that "skill" was ever even necessary.

 

Anyway..it is my hope that by now, your H has truly taken the steps toward showing you his sincerity in making the necessary changes. I am so proud of you for holding on to your strength and resolve!

 

I will continue to keep you both in my prayers.

-P

 

Thanks for checking in! Things are going ok. We start MC the 19th so I'm looking forward to that. Husband has said he knows he screwed up & will do whatever I want/need to stay married. I'm just trying to be patient because I know this is a slow process.....but I wish I had a crystal ball to see how it all turns out, ya know? I'm 43 and don't want to waste time on it if he can't change. Just a fear, I suppose.

[Mrs. John Adams]

it is going to be ok hon