why would a divorced middle aged guy want to remarry

[thefooloftheyear]

I know women catch a lot of flak for this, but I have seen plenty of guys that will choose marriage as a way to "lock down" a woman...This seems true especially for those guys that have a difficult time attracting women..

 

Once they finally find someone to give them what they need(sex, companionship, etc) then they'll look to secure it...Those guys, like women, somehow feel that a wedding ring gives them some sense of security that the other person can't just easily walk away...

 

Just my observation, anyway...Of course there are other reasons .,,

 

TFY

[chapter44]

So ok... here is why I ask. I am a middle aged divorced woman and out in the dating world and I am seeing a trend of the men in the "pool" that are divorced, some financially hit by divorce and claiming they will never marry again. Now I am a financially sound, divorced woman with grown, independent children who still believes in marriage but is starting to see there are few men out there wanting the same. Is marriage in the middle age a lost cause? Are there any men out there who still believe in marriage? If so, what do you see are the benefits of marrying once you have moved past the kids stage and given all the effortless sex out there with hookup sites.

 

I'm a 50 year old man divorced 10 years and my son is grown and on his own in another state. For me being married would be about connectedness, love, shared values, and genuine love. That's a major difference between available sex. The benefit of being this age is that you know yourself and what you want. I hope to one day be married again.

[tinkerbell16]

OK so I didn't answer the question lol, so here it goes... I believe in "until death do us part." You know. That little thing we say at our wedding. Called VOWS! As in you vow to carry this out, no matter how hard it can be or how much work it can take. You work your ass off to make sure it's true. Through good and bad. Sickness and in health. I can think of only a very few scenarios where this wouldn't be true.

 

1) Death. If my wife dies, I won't move on. Zero chance. I wouldn't want anyone else. I don't want anyone else besides her.

 

2) she forgets her vow to me. Whatever the case. Cheating, or failure to work her ass off as I would for her. If she is abusive, treats me poorly, or is incapable of giving effort for the good of our relationship, then I would believe one of two things... either all woman are like this, or I'm incapable of choosing someone who is right for me.

 

I didn't enter into marriage lightly. Which IMO Is the biggest problem today with marriage. It took over five years for me to propose. I had to be absolutely sure I would work my ass off for her, and she would do the same for me. I needed to know without a doubt. Some people get married to show off on Facebook or whatever for their friends. Some people get married to appease their family and religious circle. Some people get married because the biological clock is ticking and they want to start a family. There are many reasons people get married, and all but one I don't agree with. The only reason for me is you want to spend the rest of your life with them. PERIOD! Some will say this is their reason, but deep down where they don't want to admit to themselves or others is the true reason.... kids, family, religion, social status, financial gain, whatever. There are many, and they will use the "love of my life" line to not only distort others, but themselves. I mean, how does one choose wrong? Because they are lying to themselves about what is important? Because they ignore glaring red flags flying in their face so they can achieve whatever TRUE agenda's they seek? Or if they truly deeply believed that is what they had in mind, spend the rest of their life with that person while choosing their partner, only to say a few years later after divorce "I chose the wrong person" how then could they trust themselves to choose correctly a second time around? To withstand the pain of it all over again?

 

No way would I risk it. If it doesn't work out, I would be too devastated in my choice and wouldn't trust myself to make a better one going forward. I wouldn't even come close to risking that again. If my wife dies, I would be to devastated to move on. Zero chance I get married again. To me marriage is a once in a lifetime choice you make. Better make that choice count! That is just me anyway.

 

You answered yah! Lol. I am glad you did too because it is nice to hear your perspective. You turned what I thought from your original post of being negative on marriage ("no not ever...) to showing how strongly you believe in it.

 

I divorced my ex (and the man I loved for almost 30 years)for reason #2. I feel I had no choice. He specifically denied one vow and borderline abused a few more. I never broke my vows, never desired to. He wasn't an easy man to live with for the last few years but I was committed to him and our marriage.

 

Under the right circumstances and with the right man, I would remarry. I still believe in it. In an odd way I mostly consider my marriage a huge success. I realize it ended but we DID have almost 3 decades of happy times and we do have beautiful children from it.

Edited June 22, 2016 by tinkerbell16

[xxoo]

I know women catch a lot of flak for this, but I have seen plenty of guys that will choose marriage as a way to "lock down" a woman...This seems true especially for those guys that have a difficult time attracting women..

 

Once they finally find someone to give them what they need(sex, companionship, etc) then they'll look to secure it...Those guys, like women, somehow feel that a wedding ring gives them some sense of security that the other person can't just easily walk away...

 

Just my observation, anyway...Of course there are other reasons .,,

 

TFY

 

I don't think this is only for guys who struggle. I've seen guys want to "lock down" a certain woman, after passing on others who were wanting marriage. It's common. If you want it, put a ring on it!

[beatcuff]

Because? I am curious of the reasons... hence this post

 

its the realization that marriage removes doubt and that removal allowed: routine, stagnation, 'let yourself go', confused priorities...

 

having even a small doubt means you are not 'taken for granted'.

[thefooloftheyear]

I don't think this is only for guys who struggle. I've seen guys want to "lock down" a certain woman, after passing on others who were wanting marriage. It's common. If you want it, put a ring on it!

 

Good point.....That's certainly true...

 

But if something really worked between two people, why does it necessarily need to be "locked down" by way of marriage? I dunno....just seems like someone wanting some sort of reassurance to prevent the other person from just walking away??

 

I certainly understand the issue for younger people...There is legacy, kids, and most of the time they are going in with little or no financial assets..As people get to middle age, I don't see the same need....I dunno..

 

But alas....to each their own, of course...

 

TFY

[dichotomy]

Depends on the age of the guy, past marriage issues, kids age, etc.

 

But makes sense that if a person is divorced and their kids older (14 +) that they would not want to get married anytime soon. Goes for women or man. Most want freedom, be independent, and experience some "fun" with a variety or partners.

 

When I was divorced at 38 and seeking to get married again and even have kids - I was a bit out of the norm for the dating pool of fellow men who were mostly in to casual fun situations.

[Liam1]

Studies show men are actually more likely to remarry after a divorce. Doesn't seem to matter how badly men get taken to the cleaners, the reality is that a lot of us seek it.

 

This is definitely true.

 

I also had a lawyer friend tell me the same. He said he has guys sitting in his office after a messy divorce swearing they would never marry.

 

Yet, he said most men are remarried within two years.

 

On the other hand women who say that actually do stay single or single much much longer than the men.

 

IMO, the reason, men need to lock down the GFs is because most men can not handle the thought of their GF having sex with other men.

 

That is why a larger percentage of men will typically divorce a spouse after an affair, and large percentage of women typically do not.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

This is definitely true.

 

I also had a lawyer friend tell me the same. He said he has guys sitting in his office after a messy divorce swearing they would never marry.

 

Yet, he said most men are remarried within two years.

 

On the other hand women who say that actually do stay single or single much much longer than the men.

 

IMO, the reason, men need to lock down the GFs is because most men can not handle the thought of their GF having sex with other men.

 

That is why a larger percentage of men will typically divorce a spouse after an affair, and large percentage of women typically do not.

 

Ive read where its like 1 in 3 men try for reconciliation after an afair and 1 in 5 women try to reconcile. Not sure where your numbers are coming from. Mine came from a google search and i dont remember the page, but you can search it.

[Liam1]

Ive read where its like 1 in 3 men try for reconciliation after an afair and 1 in 5 women try to reconcile. Not sure where your numbers are coming from.

 

Mine came from a google search and i dont remember the page, but you can search it.

 

Do you have a names of the experts who posted those stats? Maybe those google stats came from a layman rather than experts.

 

If you are talking about general divorce stats then they may be accurate.

 

In general, without an infidelity as the factor, women are more likely to file for divorce for various reasons.

 

I am talking about divorce after an affair only. Most women will be willing to reconcile post affair, fewer men will.....it's ego. Some men consider an affair a affront to their sensed of masculinity.

 

Most psychologists who study infidelity state that:

 

When a woman has an affair, she typically is unhappy in the marriage.

 

When a man has an affair, he is looking for simply sex.

 

It's much easier for a spouse to wrap their mind around the fact that a spouse had an affair just for sex rather than because they want out of the marriage.

 

Here are some stats from a Rutgers University study at WebMD with the expert's names noted.

 

 

Fact #3: Men cheat to save their marriages.

"Men love their spouses, but they don't know how to fix their relationship problems, so they go outside their marriages to fill any holes," says licensed marriage and family therapist Susan Mandel, PhD.

 

Men want it all and have the skewed notion that another woman will make the longing for something more disappear. Then, they can live happily ever after with their wife—and their mistress—without confronting the real issues.

 

Rutgers University biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, author of Why Him? Why Her?and Why We Love, says men are more likely to cite sexual motivations for infidelity and are less likely to fall in love with an extramarital partner.

 

Women, she says, tend to have an emotional connection with their lover and are more likely to have an affair because of loneliness.

 

"Women tend to be more unhappy with the relationship they are in," Fisher says, "while men can be a lot happier in their primary relationship and also cheat.

 

Women are more interested in supplementing their marriage or jumping ship than men are -- for men, it is a secondary strategy as opposed to an alternate."

 

Using another partner to transition out of a bad marriage is one of the common reasons women have affairs. "They are on a sinking ship and use it as a life raft because they don't want to just jump into the cold water," family therapist Winifred Reilly says.

 

Some women take time "to warm up to it," Marcella Weiner, adjunct professor at Marymount Manhattan College, says. "Going in and leaving quickly isn't their thing. Men can walk away more easily because their emotions are just different and it is unusual for a woman to want to have sex and forget about it.”

 

But experts say that women's motivations to have affairs are typically more than sexual. That's not to say that some women don't have affairs just for the sex or that sex wasn't important. But in general, women's motivations aren't just about sex.

and from Livescience with experts cited:

 

"Women are more likely to take into account their children, their economics, their general survival," Schwartz said.

 

 

 

"Men are just crushed or upset about what happened to them. They won't think as quickly about their children as the first or second issue; but they will eventually consider that." She added that men generally experience a flooding of anger over the violation.

 

 

That rise in blood pressure could result from a guy's perception of cheating as something done to him more than something done to the relationship.

 

 

"Men are less willing to forgive," said Ruth Houston, founder of Infidelity Advice and author of "Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs." She added, "Men view infidelity as a statement about their manhood, so it's such an affront to him that most men cannot get over this hurdle."

[BikerAccnt]

I'm a 50 year old man divorced 10 years and my son is grown and on his own in another state. For me being married would be about connectedness, love, shared values, and genuine love. That's a major difference between available sex. The benefit of being this age is that you know yourself and what you want. I hope to one day be married again.

 

I'm 55 and I agree with you wholeheartedly. I really wouldn't mind being married again one day if I found someone , who also found someone, they could love, share values, share the good and bad times, and grow old with.

 

It's the relationship you form that matters, and to me, being married, says you are "all-in."

[xxoo]

Good point.....That's certainly true...

 

But if something really worked between two people, why does it necessarily need to be "locked down" by way of marriage? I dunno....just seems like someone wanting some sort of reassurance to prevent the other person from just walking away??

 

I certainly understand the issue for younger people...There is legacy, kids, and most of the time they are going in with little or no financial assets..As people get to middle age, I don't see the same need....I dunno..

 

But alas....to each their own, of course...

 

TFY

 

There is no "lock down". Divorce exists, of course.

 

But a lot of women, no matter what age, desire marriage in a long term relationship. And if she wants marriage specifically, even the happiest relationship may have an edge of dissatisfaction without it. Men know this, and put a ring on it before some other guy swoops in with promises of marriage. Because--if she's a very desirable woman--other men will.

[Justanaverageguy]

I think most guys who have been divorced have seen that marriage certificate these days isn't worth the paper it's written on. And that's not meaning they don't believe in love or believe in making a serious long term commitment to a woman .... It just means they don't see marriage as adding anything. They have already done marriage and realized it didn't really provide any additional security to the relationship or make it any more significant. They don't necessarily need to publically or legally validate their relationship for their commitment to be real going forward. Going through a divorce shows you that the only commitment that really matters is the one between two people - not to the government or the church.

 

Marriage these days tends to be a big song and dance and mostly about the public show. Having already been through that I think most divorced guys realize the public show really doesn't mean anything at all and would like the relationship to perhaps be a bit more "real" and less about dresses and flowers or making parents and friends happy or impressing people with diamond rings and your reception venue.

 

I think most divorced guys are happy to make the same comittments to a woman - they just don't need all the irrelevant fluff. They realize that "marriage" really only offers the illusion of security.

Edited June 25, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

[elaine567]

The figures for remarriage are still pretty high in men

 

Among those eligible to remarry—adults whose first marriage ended in divorce or widowhood—men are much more likely than women to have taken the plunge again. In 2013, some 64% of eligible men had remarried, compared with 52% of women.

source

[Gloria25]

The figures for remarriage are still pretty high in men

 

 

source

 

Not because the majority of these guys value the institution of marriage - it's cuz they are lonely. Also, some men really need a "woman's touch" around the house.

 

Once you've been with someone for a minute, the day they're out of your life (by death, divorce, etc.), it's hard to be alone again - regardless how good/bad the marriage was. Some people can do well on their own, some can't.

[Gloria25]

I know women catch a lot of flak for this, but I have seen plenty of guys that will choose marriage as a way to "lock down" a woman...This seems true especially for those guys that have a difficult time attracting women..

 

Once they finally find someone to give them what they need(sex, companionship, etc) then they'll look to secure it...Those guys, like women, somehow feel that a wedding ring gives them some sense of security that the other person can't just easily walk away...

 

Just my observation, anyway...Of course there are other reasons .,,

 

TFY

 

I see it both ways...

 

The only guys dumb enough now a days to jump into marriage either have problems with attracting/dating women; or, some actually did find "the one" and aren't gonna waste her time by not making it legit.

 

Yes, divorce exists, but for the duration that they're wearing that ring - less likely they're gonna cheat, walk away, etc. Marriage - like it or not - is a binding contract. With it, you increase the likelyhood that the person isn't gonna walk away at the drop of a hat.

 

IMO, the majority of marriages now a days are about the dress and show/tell. But, by the time guys figure that out, they're in neck deep with kids and bills - so, it cheaper to just stick around and be satisfied with sex once a month or something instead of being alone, visitation, and division of assets.

[Justanaverageguy]

Yes, divorce exists, but for the duration that they're wearing that ring - less likely they're gonna cheat, walk away, etc. Marriage - like it or not - is a binding contract. With it, you increase the likelyhood that the person isn't gonna walk away at the drop of a hat.

 

I actually don't really think the above makes one ounce of difference. People cheat in marriages at record numbers.

 

I heard a pretty convincing argument that the "forever" part of marriage is actually one of the main things that leads to cheating and breakups. So many couples get lazy, complacent and take their partner for granted as soon as they put a ring on it no need to do any more work because they don't think they have to. They argued marriages should be limited time contracts After 3 years both partners have to decide if they want to "renew" the lease and stay married. Like employment contracts people always put n extra effort in a contract year. When there isn't a guarantee of forever people are enclined to pay more attention and give more effort to the relationship.

 

Not sure I 100% agree - but it is an interesting way to look at it.

[elaine567]

Not because the majority of these guys value the institution of marriage - it's cuz they are lonely. Also, some men really need a "woman's touch" around the house.

 

Once you've been with someone for a minute, the day they're out of your life (by death, divorce, etc.), it's hard to be alone again - regardless how good/bad the marriage was. Some people can do well on their own, some can't.

 

True. In the Uk, the figures for deaths among the elderly are increasing especially for women, the researcher said that was because of the fact that many elderly women end up living alone and with the cuts to services they are in trouble, whilst many elderly men tend to live with their wives, they are better cared for, eat better and being in a couple is beneficial to them if they need help.

[thefooloftheyear]

Several 50 year old guys I know have remarried...The women they remarried are much younger, tho(early 30's)...I don't think they would have married them if they had the choice, just that those women were the type that never married and wanted that as part of the relationship-so those guys complied....its understandable...

 

TFY

[Lois_Griffin]

It's generally not beneficial for us.

Nor is it for women, trust me.

[puzzleddad67]

I can't tell you how many times I've heard divorced guys swear up and down they will never marry again only to meet someone and remarry.

 

 

It's similar to people saying after a break up they are through with relationships, they will never love again, etc, etc.

 

THIS. Post of the month above.

 

Im pushing 50. Would I remarry? Possibly to Probably. I'll admit I would be much more careful than the first time.

 

Would I "live in sin" as permanent fiance with everything but the ceremony but including full monogamy, the "I love you's" etc. I think likely. I know several in my second circle of friends who live in sin and even have a ring exchange. All but the ceremony.

 

My attitude has changed since my marriage crashed and burned. (Wife had a boyfriend. Read my story if you wish. Its not very dramatic compared to many here. )

 

In my divorce I got INSANELY lucky and I know it. My ex had drastic income increases while the whole mess happened and I escaped alimony. My ex had zero interest in a court fight. Etc. Honestly Im a dad and I have no problem with the pittance I give her for my kids who are my world.

 

At first I was the president of the "No way in hell" club. As time has (mostly) healed my wounds, there are some things I miss. The primary one is the sense of someone has my back. That is what I miss most. OTOH I LOVE coming home, watching things blow up on my UHD TV and crazy subwoofer after a day of golf or fishing Sam Adams in hand.